2014: The Year We Still Hated George W. Bush, And You Can Too!
Sure, it has been many years since George Dubya Bush occupied the White House, which he stole, YES HE DID. But that doesn't mean our fierce and fiery hatred of his presidency should end any time soon. In 2014, while he was emailing his nudie self-portraits to his sister (ewwwwww, dude, GROSS) and clearing brush and trying not to choke on pretzels and pretending he's too dignified to criticize the current president -- while not saying squat as his vice president says ALL THE WORST THINGS, gosh, how convenient -- George continued to give us plenty of reasons to keep on keeping on with the despising of him and his presidency and, screw it, his little dog too.
He complained that his privacy was invaded, BOO FRICKIN' HOO
When a computer hacker figured out Bush's email password and inflicted his paintings upon the world, he had a real sad about that, and was, in fact, "annoyed." Because, sob, privacy. On the one hand, sure, it's too bad when someone hacks into your email and shares your most privatest stuff, but on the other hand, as we yelled at you at the time, we remember when Bush did not give one little itty bit of a damn about invading anyone's privacy with every agency of the United States government, known and off-the-record unknown, because otherwise the terrorists had won and 9/11 and freedom and blah blah blah, screw you and your privacy, GEORGE.
He was too busy clearing brush or whatever to attend the opening of the 9/11 Memorial Museum
For a president whose entire freedom d'être was about 9/11, we almost cannot believe that he just barely phoned it in for the long-awaited opening of the museum dedicated to the very thing he'd made his entire presidency all about. We almost can't believe it, except that this is George Goddamned Dubya Bush we are talking about, so of course we can believe that he merely issued a statement that the museum "will help ensure that our nation remembers the lessons of Sept. 11." So moving! So touching! So not making hardly any effort whatsoever! As our gone but not forgotten beloved snipy (come back, snipy, we miss you!) observed at the time:
How long do you think that took him to write it? On a scale of one to "probably playing computer solitaire while thoughtlessly and speedily refusing to even consider clemency for executions" we're going to guess this took about 10 seconds, tops, and he probably had a minion to draft it while W. continued to paint some cats or some nudes or some nude cats.
Remember, kids, 9/11 is the reason for all the seasons when you're trying to push through tax cuts or invade countries or encourage Americans to visit, oh, say, the state of which your brother is governor, what a coincidence. But once you're out of office, meh.
Speaking of brothers, ugh. Jeb.
As if America had not suffered enough under Daddy Bush and evil drooling idiot son George, now we are faced with the prospect of yet another one because Jeb "The Smart One" Bush thinks it is finally -- finally! -- his turn. He's been pretending to play coy for the better part of 2014, and he again suggested after Thanksgiving that he and his family are seriously talking about seriously considering a serious discussion about seriously considering a run for the White House in 2016.
Sure, you're thinking, this is a good and fine reason to hate the Bush family in general because, ugh, Bush family. But why should we direct our rage at George in particular? Well, why the hell not? If George hadn't stolen his brother's chance way back when Jeb was grooming himself to be president, we might have been done with Jeb and the whole rotten lot of them by now. But nope, George Bush has to ruin everything, even for his own family, so here we are, stockpiling Xanax in anticipation of a presidential campaign's worth of Bush-based panic attacks. Those of us who are not born-yesterday millennials are still not recovered from the trauma of big brother George's presidency and will no doubt be pushed right over the damned edge the first time we see a "Bush 4 President" bumper sticker again. So thanks for that too, George. Thanks a LOT.
He made a dick joke and couldn't even get that right
In the endless campaign to rewrite history and humanize the Worst. President. EVER!, we were supposed to chuckle about that joke George made at an event at the LBJ Library, celebrating the 50th anniversary of the Civil Rights Act because irony is dead, and lucky him, his calendar was clear that day.
“Former presidents compare their libraries the way other men may compare their, well …,” Bush said to laughs.
Ha ha ha, dick jokes! Of course we have no problem with dick jokes on principle, but only if they are good jokes. But, as we dick-jokesplained at you at the time, that joke should have had a better punchline than drifting off into NOTHING. So fail again, George, even at the telling of dick jokes, which especially hurts our feelings on a real personal level.
He still won't stop being wrong about everything
This is an actual thing George Bush said in 2014:
I think you have to earn your way into politics. I don’t think anything’s ever given to you.
We cannot think of a single American in the entire history of the American United States of the United States who has not-earned his way into politics more than Bush. Because there is none. That's a fact. You can look it up.
The fucking torture program!
This one reason just barely made it under the wire for reasons in 2014 to keep hating the hell out of George Dubya Bush. The Senate Intelligence Committee finally released the partial redacted report on the CIA's torture program that happened under the President George Bush, and it was as awful as we'd heard for years that it would be, except a whole lot worse. Seriously, we are never, EVER getting the hummus-flavored "rectal feeding" image out of our brains, no matter how much bleach we drink.
And for anyone who says George Dubya Bush was too stupid to have any idea what Actual President Dick Cheney was up to, well, OK, fair point. Except Cheney says "nuh uh" and George totally knew all the ways we were doing all the torture. While we hate ourselves a little bit for taking Dick Cheney at his word this one time and one time only, we're gonna. Because yeah, we absolutely believe that Bush could have known all about our torture program and not given a damn that we were doing horrible things to people because that sure does sound like him.
And so in conclusion, while George Bush has been out of the White House for nearly six years, that's no reason we cannot continue to have all the angry feels at him and all of the ways he practically destroyed America -- now, tomorrow, and forever, the end.