2015: The Year Bristol Palin Stole Kim Kardashian's Face, And Did A Lot Of Other Cool Stuff Too


"There will come a day," my mother once warned me, "when you will no longer look cute on a barstool." Sometimes my mom is a real bitch. This was not in relation to a different question I once asked her regarding Mrs. Robinson and The Graduate and why on earth Dustin Hoffman would have run off with Mrs. Robinson's daughter, the cypher/robot from Stepford. "She's young!" my mom answered, looking at me as if I were an idiot, and maybe I was. My point here, and I do have one, is that sometimes we just have to mosey on up to that great big endless summer we call Laska and do our fishin' and drillin' and shootin' and more drillin' and ring those bells like Paul Revere did in Iwo Jima and make space for our female loinfruits to get all the 'tention, because we are old and dried up and even our wigs have gone bad and don't nobody want to listen to us quit things no more.

[contextly_sidebar id="H1liDpn0zUA398ByV6tJWtYAMeQ9YehE"]For Sarah and Bristol Palin, is what I'm sayin' is, the daughter has become the master. We were already seeing the glimmer of the eclipse one year ago, when our New Year's Eve remembrance of the Palins' bitchen year of our lord 2014 focused only on Bristol throwing down at some dude's birthday party, but now we have the full moon: what did Sarah do besides quit her dumb website (NEVER SAW THAT COMING) and occasionally lick Donald Trump's classy balls? Nothin' is what! Whereas Bristol and her ghostblogger did lots of things, like yellin' at the president, and yellin' at Hillary Clinton, and shoutin' at the media, and whoopsydaisy gettin' knocked up (BY GOD),engaged,disengaged, and re-mommenatedouta wedlock one more time, again.

[contextly_sidebar id="sEh5ZhuF9FAk2Khue9KVEZqWQ7JmCpyV"]

Also, some time in there, she stole poor Kim Kardashian's face.

[contextly_sidebar id="LISypBsXWZJvtfGQ8JMPpeo5VkruXMS6"]Here's the thing about Bristol Palin: she's a mean, terrible person. And it's not just her politics. You can be raised with a devil momma who whispers all sorts of bad thoughts in your ears, and you could believe them, and that's not your fault. Even though she says terrible lies about Barack Obama personally forcing IUDs into 10-year-olds with his big black man fists, [contextly_sidebar id="WEQDT46lDng2meRhFZNNv36SDjnSx81K"]and every other lie she tells politically, it is not Bristol's politics that make her bad. Those she was taught. It's her persona that makes her bad, and we don't mean her face, even though she stole it (from Kim Kardashian). All you have to do to know she is a mean, terrible person is watch her own reality show, "Life's A Tripp" (though we really, really, really don't recommend it). There you see that she is manipulative, lazy, cruel to those around her, and a princess in every rotten sense of the word. It's who she is. So when she gets in a spot of bother and then lies Kim Kardashian's face off, it's not that she got stuck and lied like happens sometimes to the best of us, it's that she will LIE KIM KARDASHIAN'S FACE OFF ABOUT A ROASTED FUCKING CHICKEN.

Fuck her, that mean, pinched, face-stealing layabout. She looked really pretty in the pictures with her daughter, though, so mazel tov, Kim Kardashian Bristol Palin, and all that.

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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