The Odd Couple. Wonkagenda For Tues. Oct. 17, 2017
Trump and McConnell's dysfunctional marriage, Puerto Ricans still struggling to survive, and John McCain tells Steve Bannon to suck it. Your morning news brief!
GOOD MORNING Wonketariat! Here are some of the things we may be talking about today!
John McCain gave a speech to some other olds Monday night and dropped bombs all over nationalists and Trumpkins with these hot zingers: “To fear the world we have organized and led for three-quarters of a century, to abandon the ideals we have advanced around the globe, to refuse the obligations of international leadership and our duty to remain ‘the last best hope of earth’ for the sake of some half-baked, spurious nationalism cooked up by people who would rather find scapegoats than solve problems is as unpatriotic as an attachment to any other tired dogma of the past that Americans consigned to the ash heap of history.” Oh, WINGNUTZ!
All the poor states are completely fucked now that Trump stripped their federal subsidies for health insurance, and they're trying to figure out what to do next.
Trump is going to declare the opioid crisis in America a national emergency next week. Meanwhile, he "You're Fired" the guy he was going to pick for drug czar, Rep. Tom Marino, after a WaPo/60 Minutes investigation found that he was already a literal drug czar.
The only thing Republicans can agree upon is Trump's effort to stack the courts with more Republicans. What better way to avoid a corruption scandal than to tip the scales of justice?
That Rose Garden speech Trump had with Mitch McConnell has confused everyone on the Hill - Is he sucking Steve Bannon's cock, or is he building log cabins with McConnell?
Trump and his minions don't understand why they keep getting thwarted in the Senate where old white people, their rules, and their bullshit reign supreme.
Not only is Trump's White House telling Trey Gowdy and the House Oversight Committee it isn't using private emails like a certain "Cillary Hinton", it's telling people to fuck off and stop asking all its fancy private plane trips.
Former Obama aides are coming out of the woodwork with stories about all the times B. Barry Bamz called the families of dead soldiers in reaction to Trump's bullshit lie that he's the only one who's ever done that.
Callista Gingrich, wife of Newt, is your new ambassador to the Vatican after a 70-23 Senate vote yesterday. Personally, we're wondering what shenanigans Newt will get his dick stuck in while fucking off in Not America.
Democrats are demanding FCC Chairman Ajit Pai actually do something about Trump's threats to NBC, but most experts find it highly unlikely that Pai will ever perform any action that could be considered "fair" or "good."
There's a troubling trend building where crazy shit happens somewhere, but the stock market climbs anyway, and that has some math nerds worried.
In case you missed it, Trump thinks the military "shouldn't have to be" distributing food in Puerto Rico because the federal government has already provided "massive amounts of food" and water.
Meanwhile, the governor of Puerto Rico is just hoping to restore electricity by December, and the EPA is is investigating reports of people drinking and bathing in contaminated water from Superfund sites.
Officials in California are warning people against returning to the smoldering ruins of their homes in an effort to avoid disease and poisonings.
A Republican Virginia state lieutenant governor hopes voters are too stupid to connect the dots to her shadowy evil empire that funds conservative movements around the country.
A Mass-hole businessman is watching his empire crater after he posed for a photo with Trump as he signed the EO gutting health insurance subsidies, and he just wants some sympathy for his ignorance.
Rich Florida Man and GOP Governor Rick Scott has issued state of emergency for Alachua County ahead of neo-Nazi Richard Spencer's talk/Nazi rally at the University of Florida.
Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera is a 59-year-old Republican Congressional candidate who says she was abducted by aliens when she was seven, and has since received several telepathic messages from them. Yep.
North Korea doesn't give two soggy shits about what anyone else wants, with an official telling CNN the DPRK won't come to the table until its missiles reach the US, and that a nuclear war may break out at any moment.
The US reportedly dropped some bombs on ISIS fighters in Yemen, which is still acting as a D-list stunt-double for Iran.
Early Tuesday morning US-backed Syrian Kurdish forces and Arab fighters took control the Syrian city of Raqqa from ISIS/ISIL/Daesh/Whatever. Yes, that's a big deal!
In the wake of the Kurdish independence declaration, Iraqi forces captured the city of Kirkuk, while Trump followed a century of historical precedent by casually throwing the Kurds under the bus.
The deadline for Brexit talks have been pushed back to December after EU leaders told Theresa May to bugger off (again).
Russia's troll farm has been pressing all the right buttons in the US for years, like tax policy, gun rights, and HER EMAILS, but one day in 2015 shit got really weird ...
Apple responded to Senator Al Franken's concerns about its "Face ID" unlocking feature with some nice, buttery jargon that boils down to "We're not keeping anything." While this has been a standard feature on Windows and Android devices for years, Apple doesn't really have the best track record for security.
In an effort to fend off federal oversight, Facebook is actively seeking employees with security clearances. This is just further proof that Zuckerberg is a douchebag.
Even though Obama's FCC explicitly told them to stop, Verizon and AT&T are still selling customer data by tricking people into entering basic information into mobile sites that spit out personal details about users.
Super creeper Seb Gorka went on Fox and Friends Tuesday morning to remind everyone Trump is trying to make AMERICA great again, not the GOP. Silly olds, only one of these things can actually be bought by Not America.
Dana Loesch, the NRA's loudest gun fetishist, is scared for her life after ALLEGEDLY getting death threats from anti-gun people, ALLEGEDLY. Note: We never advocate violence against anyone (even if they regularly advocate for bad public policy, like pushing for violent and/or disturbed individuals to carry firearms).
Here's a look back at all the people Trump thinks are villains, or bad guys, or whatever. It's a pretty long list.
Crazy pants Jesus freak Jim Bakker SWEARS to God we're all fucked because we've spent YEARS making fun of him and his burrito bucket/toilets.
And here's your late night wrap-up! The Daily Show is in Chicago and realized it's just like Syria, but with pizza (and Cubs!); and Jordan Klepper knows Trump's enemies are his friends.
And here's your morning Nice Time! MEERKATS!
Freedom isn't free, but 'Yr Wonkette is! Throw us some Ameros so things stay that way!
Trump Tax 'Plan': You'll Be Sick To Death. Wonkagenda For Thurs., Sept. 28, 2017
Trump tax plan is here, Kushnerville strikes back, and Democrats LURV Puerto Rico. Your morning news brief.
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
After Paul Manafort failed to come correct on his his Russian blood money, he made his pissed off Russian partners an offer they couldn't refuse.
The Trump Taxes are here, and the loudest assholes in the room are the press who keep asking why are all these super rich people getting a fucking tax cut?
Sen. Lisa Murkowski is taking headshots at zombie TrumpCare, telling her colleagues that any health care law needs to be bipartisan.
Democrats are playing a dangerous game and daring Republicans to keep trying to strip healthcare from all the poors.
Because he's not happy picking fights with just one or two countries in Not America, Trump is now starting a trade war with Canada.
Now that Puerto Rico is a No Man's Land, Florida Democrats are opening their arms to welcome all the potential new voters who could tip the scales in future elections.
Trump is apparently pissed at Tom Price for skipping around fly-over country on fancy planes. Maybe he should have used Trump Air?
It's not just Tom Price who refuses to fly in steerage, Scott Pruitt has been using chartered military flights to avoid rubbing elbows with the rest of us regular folk.
Good news, heathens! A US District Judge has struck down a Kentucky anti-abortion law that required ultrasounds before abortions.
People in Baltimore's "Kushnerville" want to drag Prince Kushner into court and sue his smarmy ass for ruining their lives with with nickel and dime fees.
Some brain cases at one of those fancy schools crunched some numbers and found that Russian social media bullshit brainwashed racist uncles in swing states like Pennsyltucky, Florida and Michigan to push Trump over the edge.
A couple of Russian trolls were using a Muslim nonprofit's hacked Facebook account to shitpost bad memes and troll Hillary Clinton and John McCain.
In a desperate attempt to fall off the same cliff as the Trump Train, Paul Ryan was kicking Mitch McConnell on Hannity last night. He had charts, and graphs, just like Ross Perot!
Don't you dare tell Tucker Carlson he's a racist, or a white nationalist, or an ignorant fuck stick in a suit who doesn't know the first thing about struggling to survive on less than minimum wage like a common poor! Why, he just might make snippy comments on his teevee show about you!
Two weeks ago, when Little Donnie dumped his Secret Service chaperones and people started freaking out, he had actually decided to go moose hunting in Canada -- and he would have gotten away with it too, except he's A Idiot.
How bad is it to be broke AND black in America? Hint: It's really bad. And may Crom help you if you need to file for bankruptcy.
And here's your morning Nice Time! Prevost Squirrels!
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Son of Zombie TrumpCare Dead (Again)... Wonkagenda For Wed., Sept. 27, 2017
TrumpCare dies (again), Jill Stein Facebook ads paid for in rubles, and brace yourself, the Trump Tax is coming.
Oh, hi Wonketariat! We have many newses for you to ingest today, so here are some of the things we may be talking about.
The gay-hatin' racist former judge with a hard-on for Steve Bannon, Roy Moore, has won the Republican primary for Jeff Sessions's Senate seat in Alabama. Moore beat the "establishment candidate" Luther Strange, and Donald Trump is running away from that loser BUT FAST.
Hey, everyone! The FBI is working with the IRS to share info with Robert Mueller on Paul Manafort.
There's worry on the Hill that bills to protect Robert Mueller and the Trump-Russia investigation might never make it to the Senate floor.
The GOP plan to rob from the poor and give to the rich is hitting some snags as Republicans can't make up their minds on whether or not to bundle ACA repeal with tax reform.
Trump will head to Indiana today to announce his tax reform policy that will cut corporate tax rates to about 20 percent. Per usual, nobody really knows a fucking thing about what the specifics are.
The plan to make private businesses pay for rebuilding fly-over country has been tossed in the shitter; Trump's White House officials are signaling that they want broke-ass states to foot the bill for their own infrastructure improvements.
A few Republicans are open to DACA reforms, but they keep pushing their own toxic crap in order to scuttle any attempt at immigration reform.
While giving a speech at a Detroit suburb, Betsy DeVos stated that she wanted to end the "borrower defense rule" so that she and bullshit for-profit colleges can once again pickpocket students.
The US will cap refugee admissions at 45,000, but the Trump administration technically doesn't have to let in Not Americans. We've just got to protect those Trump Steaks and that Trump Vodka.
For some reason, EPA chief Scott Pruitt needs a $24,570 phone booth. Since he's obviously not a Doctor Who fan, we assume it's so nobody can hear him raping Mother Earth.
In a new ruling, a federal appeals panel has made it easier to be a crooked bastard by making it harder to prove corruption in a court of law. We can all thank Gov. Bob "Transvaginal ultrasound" McDonnell.
Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke wants to "You're Fired" federal workers who are "not loyal to the flag" as they keep ruining his ability to go helicopter hunting and frack his brains out -- except in Montana, because, "SOME PLACES ARE TOO PRECIOUS TO MINE."
DEA admin Chuck Rosenberg The acting has decided to "You're Fired" himself after finding it impossible to work with honor and dignity in the Trump administration.
HHS Secretary Tom Price's taxpayer-funded private air adventures include personal business meetings, lunch with his kid, and a quick jaunt or two to his island home.
Trump wasted a lot of time and money sending judges to the border to free up immigration courts, except the judges were so bored that they actually started helping stock supply rooms.
Cops in Texas can now get thrown into the slammer for refusing to honor ICE requests after a provision in its
Fuck The Messicansanti-Sanctuary City bill was upheld by a federal appeals court.
A Podunk Nowhere, IL, superintendent has "You're Fired" himself after people were SUPER pissed and grossed out by this pervy op-ed he wrote about being a 15-year-old kid ogling the girls volleyball team.
Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman issued a decree, signed by his father, King Salman, announcing that women in Saudi Arabia can now drive cars. This is a big deal in the conservative Arab world.
Russian rubles were used to buy ads for Jill Stein, Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump on Facebook in order to make people hate that old, technocratic email murderer, Hillary Clinton. Once again, Go fuck yourself, Jill Stein.
Back in the olden-timey days of 2015, Ukrainian activists tried to warn Facebook of Russian trolls only to find themselves beaten with banhammers of injustice.
Twitter is considering changing character limits so that way Russian Trump-bots can troll and shitpost at length. You're welcome, America.
Jeff Sessions has a sad that the Senate was mean to Elizabeth Warren for trying to read Coretta Scott King's letter on the Senate floor. "Nevertheless, she persisted."
Neil Gorsuch gave a speech at Mitch McConnell's alma mater, the University of Louisville -- which just happens to be McConnell's hometown, after being introduced by Mitch McConnell, and now some people (LIBARULZ) are calling out Gorsuch for a major ethics violation.
A dumbshit redneck fire chief in Pennsyltucky called sportsballers the "N-Word" on Twitter, but he later apologized for being "frustrated" that all the black people keep trying to make him feel guilty about being a racist.
Somebody wrote a very handy guide for "underprivileged" people to protest "societal issues" so that all the "outer-city people" don't get offended.
And here's your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert isn't sure why Trump can't follow his own boycott; Jimmy Kimmel is as sexcited as we are that Graham-Cassidy is dead; Seth Meyers had some thoughts on Puerto Rico; The Daily Show aired a retraction about team Trump's private emails.
And here's your morning Nice Time! Mandrill babies!
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Trump All GRRRR At Black People, For A Change. Wonkagenda For Mon., Sept. 25, 2017
Sportsball ruined forever, Merkel holds on, and Peggy Noonan ponders peace through Trump. Your morning news brief.
Good Monday morning, Wonketariat! Did somebody ruin your sportsball? Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
Over the weekend sportballers decided to get down on their knees in support of all the not-white people who routinely have their constitutional rights violated, and Trump called them sons of bitches because he's a fat, unclassy fuck from Queens.
Shit is bad in Puerto Rico, y'all, and it's only getting worse as people ignore all the suffering.
Not America is coming to aid all the Messicans struggling to find survivors, but people are still worried about aftershocks and unstable buildings.
Just to set the record straight, Steve Mnuchin went on teevee to let people know that he has thoughts about wasting shitloads of taxpayer money, and all the angry black sportsballers. Make sure your coffee cup is empty before reading this one. ['Script]
Lindsey Graham and Bill Cassidy are rejiggering their zombie TrumpCare bill in an effort to drag Alaska, Arizona, and Kentucky to the table.
Trump will kick his plan for tax cuts for the super-rich into gear this week at a rally in Indiana, where those tax cuts will benefit tens of their citizens!
The Trumped-up trickle-down tax cuts will shrink tax brackets to three from seven, lower the corporate rates, and kill off state and local tax deductions, that way the rubble of small-town America will shine before it's stripped and sold for scrap.
Trump indefinitely expanded his
Muslim bantravel restrictions on Muslim majority countries to include more Not American freedom haters; now you can't call it a "Muslim ban."
Even after being called out, Tom Price was STILL flying over 'Murica in fancy jets this past week -- but now that he's being investigated he'll suffer in First Class with the peasants.
Pilots with close ties to terrorists are still flying the friendly skies despite multiple warnings from the FAA as far back as 2009. Happy trails to you! [Archive]
People are wondering if Prince Kushner pulled a Hill-ghazi when he started using a private email address to conduct government business. LOCK HIM UP!
Democrats are planning on making life a hell of a lot harder for Trump and Republicans by dumping millions into Nowhere, America's elections for attorneys general.
Congressional staffers on both sides of the aisle are cashing in on their government access by buying and selling stocks that rise and fall with the legislation passing through their committees. The paper chase is real, ya'll.
Someone inside Florida Governor Rick Scott's office deleted voicemails from staff members attempting to report their concern for residents at a nursing home where 11 people died in the fallout of Hurricane Irma. There's no joke here.
A New Orleans mayoral candidate is standing at attention after being accused of rubbing one out in the back of an Uber while on a Californication vacay.
The leader of the free world, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, has won a fourth term, despite the creep of ethno-nationalists.
Britain's foppish former Prime Minister Tony Blair thinks all the Berniecrats are worse than Donald Trump for their flat-out opposition -- unlike the Republicans who refused to work with The Black Guy, that was probably different.
Iraqi Kurds are hoping to gain their independence in a referendum being held today despite opposition from the the rest of the world that has been fucking over the Kurds for over a century.
Before Zuckerberg was bullshitting us about making Facebook great again, B. Barry Bamz had to set his ass straight.
Marching through the streets with bandanas and signs might be in vogue, but protesting has been become illegal in some states because it hurts the feefees of normal, Crom-fearing assholes.
Dame Peggington ponders whether or not Trump's "bluntness" shall catalyze world peace amongst the unwashed, uncivilized savages and commoners. [Archive]
John McCain says Trump never bothered to apologize for calling him a loser-ass failure for being shot down and imprisoned for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS in Vietnam.
Dan Harmon hates his fans because they keep being misogynist shitheads who think it's OK to troll the women who write for their favorite show.
And here's your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert thinks the DPRK should stop stealing his thunder; Jimmy Kimmel unnecessarily censored some people; Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at Sean Spicer lying about lying; Chelsea Handler had some very lovely talky time with Randy "Iron Stache" Bryce, Bill Maher talked about Trump's long con on flyover country; John Oliver explains why "MERGER MONDAY" should be making you shit bricks in terror.
And here's your morning Nice Time! Baby Cougar!
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