2020 presidential election

It's Election Eve. NO BEDWETTING, PLEASE!

This ain't 2016.

We hate to interrupt your panic attack, but Your Wonkette would like to remind you that the Trump campaign would have its hands full arranging a three-car funeral, much less a nationwide campaign to ratfuck this election.

Okay, that's a lie. We very much hope to interrupt your panic attack, because that shit is entirely unproductive. The part about them being a pack of losers who couldn't find their collective junk with two hands and a map is completely true, though. All this posturing about the unstoppable Death Star juggernaut Trump campaign was bullshit from the jump, so don't get yourself worked up about some kind of eleven-dimensional chess. They're still the same old chucklefucks who needed Vladimir Putin's help to get elected in 2016, only now the country hates them even more.

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2020 presidential election

GOP's BUT HIS EMAILS Bombshell Fails To Detonate

Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

This is a story about Rudy Giuliani busting in like the Kool-Aid Man and blowing up Donald Trump's last, best chance to ratfuck this election with Hunter Biden's buttery, buttery emails. But at least he kept his chram in his pants this time.

New York Times media columnist Ben Smith reports that Rudy Giuliani wasn't the first one who tried to get a Rupert Murdoch publication to run with Hunter Biden's emails. In early October, MAGA troll Arthur Schwartz invited White House lawyer Eric Hirschman and former deputy White House counsel Stefan Passantino to his McLean, Virginia, home to pitch the Wall Street Journal on a story. The team had "a cache of emails detailing Hunter Biden's business activities" and Tony Bobulinski on speakerphone swearing Joe Biden was a silent partner in all his son's business deals.

Note that these emails were not attached to any laptop "abandoned" at a random Delaware computer repair shop. Note also that the younger Biden's emails and photos had been circulating in Ukraine in the fall of 2019, with a price tag of $5 million, according to Time. Giuliani himself passed up on the same stuff in May, deeming it too sketchy, according to Salon. (And when something is too sketchy for Rudy Giuliani ...)

Nonetheless, the GOP brain trust congratulated itself on its foolproof plan to steal another election with an apparently hacked set of emails. Hooray!

Or, perhaps not.

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Elections

Deep State Hard At Work Protecting Free And Fair Elections. No, We Mean It!

Be cool, guys.

Can it be ... Nice Times?

IT CAN!

The Washington Post has a new story on all the ways our government is actually doing the work to stop electoral interference. And they're doing it in coordination with social media platforms and local governments. Deep State FTW!

For months American military cyber-operators, aided by intelligence from the National Security Agency (NSA), have been targeting Russian spies to disrupt their plans by repeatedly knocking them off the Internet, confusing their planners and depriving them of their hacking tools. The goal is to prevent them from attacking U.S. voting systems, according to security officials, speaking on the condition of anonymity because of the matter's sensitivity.

The effort spans multiple agencies in the executive branch. Most visibly, the State Department revoked visas for Rudy Giuliani's Ukrainian disinformation sources, Andrii Telizhenko and Andrii Derkach, while the Treasury Department put Derkach on the sanctions list, after which Google disabled 14 of his accounts and deleted his YouTube channel.

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Trump

We're Beginning To See Why Brad Parscale Might Be Going Li'l Bit Bugf*ck

Did Ol' Neckbeard lie to Congress? And is he under investigation for stealing from the Trump campaign?

SAD NEWS, everyone. The Trump campaign has been systematically deleting Brad Parscale's nasty gross neckbeard from its website, as if it was never there! The good news is that you are a lot less likely to get a hairball if you go to the Trump website now.

Meanwhile, Parscale has officially "resigned" from the Trump campaign, which is funny because from what we've heard, Parscale wasn't doing a whole lot of "work" for the campaign in the first place, even before they quit-fired him and gave his "campaign manager" position to some other idiot named Bill Stepien. Parscale seemed to be mostly hanging out in Florida and spending the Trump campaign's money on Ferraris and other baubles for himself. ALLEGEDLY.

You'll remember that this week started five years ago with an incident at Mr. Parscale's home, where the cops had to come out and respond to what was either somebody waving a gun threatening to kill himself, or possibly he was threatening to kill his wife, or maybe both. His wife, Candice Parscale, has now recanted what she told the cops about him abusing and threatening her. "He hits me," she told the cops on scene when asked about her bruises, but it is now "unclear." We hope she can safely get out and away from him.

Regardless, we all saw the video of a shirtless Parscale being manhandled to the ground by Florida cops, and noted how much worse that might have gone had Parscale been Black.

But there are some updates on what is really going on with Brad Parscale, why he might be going literally bugfuck right at this minute. And those updates are related to how the Trump campaign is also reportedly going literally bugfuck, because they're scared Old Dirty Neckbeard is going to cooperate with the authorities and spill Trump campaign secrets and crimes, ALLEGEDLY.

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