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Elections

Little Marco Rubio Kicking Big 3-Pointers At His Own Face Over Florida Election

Something something 'own goal.'

Florida Senator Marco Rubio has been busy the past week auditioning for America's Next Top Trump. We know he doesn't really enjoy being a senator, with all the required showing up occasionally. And he'll never be president because the Republican Party is mostly racist and its shrinking, non-racist electorate isn't keen on "lightweight chokers" who can't get through a debate without mindlessly repeating the same anti-Obama talking points. His career options severely limited, lately he's taken to hate tweeting in his underpants like Donald Trump before John Kelly reminds him he's in the Oval Office and should put on actual pants.

Rubio started to mentally unravel after last week's midterms. Governor Rick Scott, whom Rubio only tepidly endorsed in his Senate race against incumbent Bill Nelson, was all set to flip the seat when corrupt Democrats and their Soros-funded army of lawyers insisted all votes be counted. Rubio has been really resistant to this idea for random-Bible-verse-related reasons.

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Russia

Let's Throw A Bunch Of Sh*t At The Wall And Call It The Trump-Russia #SMOKINGGUN

Ready for a DEEP DIVE into Russian fuckery, the likes of which we have only done several times in the past? LET'S DO THIS.

Monday night, we posted a hilarious and wonderful internet article outlining all the reasons we think some sorts of big moves are coming from Robert Mueller very very soon, probably as soon as this week. At almost the exact same time we hit publish, wingnut crazypants moron-ass conspiracy theorist Jerome Corsi went live on his Tumblr to say Mueller had told him last week he was going to be indicted for saying perjuries to the FBI.

It. Was. OMGLOLWTF.

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Elections

Lindsey Graham Knows What White Ladies Want

Why can't they all be like Susan Collins?

Senator Lindsey Graham has lamented that his party performed "fairly poorly with suburban women in some of these House districts." This is the canny political observation of a seasoned operator who watched dozens of Republican seats in the suburbs fall to Democrats. The running GOP theory leading up to the midterms was that the districts that voted for Mitt Romney in 2012 but switched to Hillary Clinton in 2016 did so only because of an aversion to Donald Trump. Without Trump himself on the ballot in 2018, these areas would remain loyal to Republican candidates. This did not happen.

We all recognize that "suburban women" is code for white women, specifically well-off, well-educated white women who are probably watching "This Is Us" right now. So, when the election returns came in from suburban districts on election night, it was clear that this prized demographic had fled Trump's party.

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2016 Presidential Election

The Porn Star, The Playmate, The President And His Pecker. Just Look At This Passel Of Putzes!

Trump and David Pecker knew EXACTLY what they were doing. LOCK THEM UP!

There are lies, damn lies, and there's EVERY LYIN' SUMBITCH IN DONALD TRUMP'S ORBIT! The Wall Street Journal just dropped a huge connect-the-dots piece on the secret plan in Trumpland to use the National Enquirer's checkbook to bury stories of all the ladies Trump bumped his orange uglies against. And, with apologies to Popehat and Bing Crosby, it's beginning to look a lot like RICO!

It all started back in 2015, when serial philanderer Donald Trump decided he'd goose his brand by running for president. Being a dirty old perv, he knew there were endless women with stories about him that might give the church ladies heartburn. (Or not.) Luckily, he had a friend at the National Enquirer who'd been disappearing stories about him since the '90s.

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Culture

Michelle Obama Said A Mean About Donald Trump And Made Him Cry

God, we love this woman.

Michelle Obama has written a memoir, Becoming, that you should all pre-order right now so you can rejoice in the majesty of her life. She's always been real, unlike the current cubic zirconia first lady, so you might wonder how much real-er she can manage to be. Well, Obama easily ascends to the top of the Cheryl Lynn scale of realness when she reveals that she suffered a miscarriage 20 years ago that left her feeling "lost" and "alone." She also shares for the first time that both her daughters, Malia and Sasha, were conceived through in vitro fertilization.

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Culture

Rick Scott Wants Florida To Cut Out All This 'Counting Votes' Nonsense

2000 deja vu all over again

Florida has been a hot mess of electoral shenanigans if not outright fraud for as long as I can remember. I still have the Katherine Harris-inflicted scars from the 2000 election. Tuesday night, Republicans Ron DeSantis and Rick Scott pulled ahead in the vote counts for Florida governor and senator, so they just sort of stopped counting. Not counting votes is a reliable, Supreme Court-approved strategy. Why wait for all those pesky returns to come in when we've already tabulated the results from the Republican candidates' own homes? They even counted those votes twice!

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Russia

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

The Mueller killer is IN THE HOUSE.

Okay, NOW WE PANIC. Trump firing Attorney General Jeff Sessions and shoehorning in partisan meathead Matthew Whitaker to murder the Mueller investigation during the lame duck session is DEFCON 1. The White House knows Adam Schiff, Elijah Cummings, and Eric Swalwell are about to investigate the shit out of them, and they're reasonably confident that the Special Counsel has indictments in the works for Don Jr. for lying to Congress and conspiracy to violate campaign finance law, among other things.

Which is why John Kelly called Sessions yesterday morning and told him to get out immediately, refusing even to let the Attorney General finish out the week. If you believe Vanity Fair, the White House expected Junior to be indicted as soon as today, so they needed the Mueller slayer in place to put the kibosh on it ASAP. And this time, they weren't going to take a chance with someone ethical. Enter Matthew Whitaker, a partisan hack who isn't afraid to plunge his hands into a mixture of slime mold and shit, right on up to the shoulders.

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Culture

Trump Topples Confederate Monument Jeff Sessions. No One Black Will Miss Him

The line to dance on Sessions's political grave starts behind the ghost of Coretta Scott King.

Jeff Sessions "resigned" as attorney general Wednesday, and African Americans across the country living, dead, and somewhere in between, are rejoicing. Now, we are sensible people. We understand that Donald Trump whacked Sessions for no honorable reason, almost certainly to obstruct justice in the Russia investigation. We get that the acting attorney general, Matthew Whitaker, literally wrote a cover letter for the job posing as a CNN op-ed stating that Robert Mueller's investigation had "gone too far."

Just listen to us for a moment, white people: We know that Trump is shredding the rule of law and we've just advanced a few rounds in the fascism home game. We're going to be sad later, but just let us be happy right now. And, baby, are we happy.

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Post-Racial America

Chief Justice John Roberts Made Jim Crow Great Again

Oh, he'll have a legacy all right!

It's easy to blame Georgia's Secretary of State Brian Kemp, a less charming Boss Hogg-style villain, for the blatant voter suppression efforts in the state: electronic voting machines not working because someone "forgot" to send electrical cords for them, and the four-and-a-half hour lines in black districts as if the polling places were holding one-night-only concerts with the ghosts of Prince, Michael Jackson, and Aretha Franklin. It may be a winning campaign strategy: "I'm not racist. I'm just incompetent. Hell, I'm probably both. Make me governor." But Kemp was only in position for such large-scale corruption because the Supreme Court in 2013 ruled to make Jim Crow great again and gutted the Voting Rights Act.

"Our country has changed," Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. wrote for the majority. "While any racial discrimination in voting is too much, Congress must ensure that the legislation it passes to remedy that problem speaks to current conditions."

Roberts was correct the the country had changed. Barack Obama won re-election in 2012 with a smaller percentage of the white vote than Michael Dukakis in 1988. Racial demographics had changed dramatically in almost a quarter century: White voters had gone from 85 percent of the electorate to 72, with a corresponding -- and concerning for Republicans -- increase in the electorate for blacks and Hispanics. After Mitt Romney's defeat, there were "autopsies" that argued the GOP would have to expand its tent and reach out to minorities. This was all superficial talk. Immigration reform flopped in the Senate the same month the Supreme Court gave Republicans an easier path to retaining power: cheating.

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Elections

David Brooks Tries On Steve King's Hood, But Like *Moderately* And Whatnot

What's with this guy?

David Brooks, member of the Mediocre White Men Society (his uncle was on the board), is concerned that America is becoming a chocolate city. Brooks scribbled out his scary thoughts in yesterday's New York Times.

Here's the central challenge of our age: Over the next few decades, America will become a majority-minority country. It is hard to think of other major nations, down through history, that have managed such a transition and still held together.

Let's "kick the ballistics" here: "Majority-minority country" is a white supremacist concept. How are the current minorities still "minorities" if we suddenly outnumber what was once the "majority"? I remember an interview with Steven Tyler back in 1998 when he described himself as an "18 year old with 32 years experience!" This is a similarly pathetic denial of reality and the ongoing march of time except also really racist.

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Post-Racial America

Liar-in-Chief Trump Lies About Defending OBAMACARE, *From Democrats*

Hey, New York Times, see how easy it is to say Trump's lying?

Donald Trump is a lying sack of garbage. We can accept this fact and still find ourselves stunned by his mendacity. During his fifty or so minutes of hate in Missouri last night, Trump warned of what might happen if Democrats gain power today. It's basically a disaster of Biblical proportions, real "wrath of God type of stuff," not just "fire and brimstone" but higher taxes on your boiling seas and rivers.

"One of [the Democrats'] very first projects will be a socialist takeover of American health care. You know what's happening: Your taxes are gonna triple, maybe quadruple. You're not gonna be happy. I know you well."

This is all a very ambitious agenda for a Democratic Party whose Senate minority leader, Chuck Schumer, can't even negotiate bathroom breaks for his caucus. Poor Heidi Heitkamp has been hopping on one leg for weeks now. Still, it's fairly standard Republican fear-mongering. From the bouquet, I would place this as a 1994 Gingrich with an unpleasant Limbaugh finish. But then Trump started offering tasting samples from his home distillery.

The Democrat plan would obliterate Obamacare.
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Culture

Remembering 10 Years Since We Baracked The Vote

This was our moment.

Sunday marked the 10th anniversary of Barack Obama's election as the first black US president. Ten years! What an epic night. People were celebrating in the streets like the original ending of Return of the Jedi. Black folks were crying ... good tears, not the "does anyone know the nearest stop for the Underground Railroad?" tears from 2016. We had achieved something unprecedented. So many states, including Florida or Georgia, had never even had a black governor (not yet) but the US had a black commander-in-chief. It was a milestone Americans of all races could appreciate, because it meant that racism was officially over. A former coworker had already insisted this happened in 2003 when Halle Berry won an Oscar (so "Spike Lee can just shut up!") but this was less irrational.

I tend to only use the term "post-racial America" ironically, but the notion was promoted in all earnestness back in 2008 when Obama looked to do the impossible. The beautiful dream was that the country was becoming more diverse and more tolerant. The less attractive reality was we were only becoming more diverse.

When Obama crushed war hero John McCain, black voters made up 13 percent of the electorate. White voters were 74 percent -- a staggering 15 percent drop since Ronald Reagan's 1980 victory over Jimmy Carter. Roughly the same percentage of white people voted for McCain as they did Reagan.

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Russia

Is It Possible Roger Stone Was TOO STUPID For Russian Ratf*cking?

We're just saying the guy still has a hotmail account.

How the hell did a pack of misfits like today's GOP manage to successfully ratfuck American Democracy? If you saw Bannon, Assange, Roger Stone or Randy Credico out in public, you'd cross the street and grip your keys like a weapon. And yet, there's a very real possibility that this pack of rancid gin farts teamed up with Vladimir Putin to pull off the greatest hack of all time.

Or maybe they're just a bunch of clueless morons who never even knew what hit them. Honestly, we have no idea which!

Today's adventures in wonderland, courtesy of the New York Times, take us back to October of 2016. In his Foreverwar with irrelevance, Roger Stone was flogging a story that Bill Clinton had fathered an illegitimate child with a prostitute. Bannon was busy with the campaign and ignored the old geezer. But Matthew Boyle, political editor at Trumpland's ministry of alt-right outreach, aka Breitbart, was low enough on the food chain to take Stone's calls.

Stone had been shit-tweeting that Wikileaks and "my hero Julian Assange" were coming, and soon Hillary Clinton would be "done." Which everyone ignored because ... Roger Stone. But then, on October 3, Assange announced that he was about to drop the good shit, and Boyle got all tingly in his down-theres.

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Elections

Trump: Illegal Immigrants Taking Murder Jobs From Hard-Murdering Americans

Just when you think he can't get more racist. Just kidding, you knew he could.

The latest appalling thing Donald Trump has done -- honestly, who can even keep count these days? -- is the release of a racist attack ad that depicts illegal immigrants as the single greatest threat to America other than Democrats. I'm not linking to the ad because I'm not helping drive up Trump's engagement numbers, but you can find it pinned to the top of his Twitter page with the following absurd proclamation: "It is outrageous what the Democrats are doing to our Country. Vote Republican now!" It's basically a less subtle version of the "Futurama" PSA advising horny teenagers against sex with robots: "The next day Billy's planet was destroyed by aliens. That planet was Earth! DON'T DATE ROBOTS!"

Trump has taken time from his busy schedule of hate-mongering to remind voters just days before the midterms about Luis Bracamontes, a twice-deported Mexican immigrant who killed two police officers in 2014. When convicted, he expressed no remorse for his crimes and even vowed to "kill more" cops. Bracamontes was executed in April, so he now poses at least 20 percent less of a threat. Democrats apparently support an "open borders" policy with hell, so let's not get too comfortable.

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Russia

Let's Liveblog Steve Bannon's Life And See If It Sends Us Into A Tailspin ... Of LOLs!

Man, if our week sucked this much, we'd dissolve it in an acid-filled bathtub in Florida, just kidding no we wouldn't.

If you are like most Americans, you probably have been wondering about Steve Bannon's itinerary as we run headlong into the midterm elections. Most specifically, you probably have been wondering if this was the week he decided to take a shower, but then you stopped wondering because you figured probably not, and decided he still smells like poop and gin, THE END.

But Steve Bannon has had quite a week! Have you seen this pictures of the massive rally he threw at the Holiday Inn in North Topeka, Kansas, last night? Sorry if you spent your night "having a nice dinner" or "watching Netflix" or "having sex," because we are about to make you so jealous of Steve Bannon.

Why, just look at this crowd!

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Russia

George Papadopoulos: Lousy Spy, Worse Lawyer

Did Simona put you up to this, bro?

Sorry to pop your pimple, Lil Papi, but you got about as much of a shot at withdrawing that Mueller guilty plea as Yr FDF does of playing for the NBA. (And she's 5'2" and 43 years old!) Feel free to ride that wingnut wave to a spot on the grifter speaking circuit, but you'll still have to serve that paltry two-week sentence for lying to the FBI. And you ought to be damn grateful it wasn't two years!

This week, George Papadopoulos is making the rounds at various Trump outlets to pretend that he's maybe for real this time going to withdraw his guilty plea and blow the lid off this dirty, dirty Mueller investigation. Sure, he got hammered that one time and told Australia's former foreign minister that Russia had Clinton's emails and intended to leak them to help Trump. But, umm, somethingsomething HILLARY arglebargle FBI, ipso facto res ipsa loquitur it's all a plot to frame poor Georgie for loving Trump too much.

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