Aw, Rudy Giuliani Thinks He's Helping!

Shine on, you batshit crazy diamond!

Rudy Giuliani can't stop, won't stop. The man is under investigation by the pit bulls at SDNY for possible failure to disclose his representation of a foreign government official. His associates just got indicted on a massive campaign finance scheme undertaken in the interest of former Ukrainian prosecutor Yuriy Lutsenko, with whom Giuliani himself has worked for the past year. Giuliani's phone records just showed up in the House Intelligence Committee report. And, not for nothing, but his client is getting impeached for leaning on the Ukrainian government to smear Joe Biden in exchange for foreign aid.

So naturally this crazy sumbitch is out there on Twitter confessing that Trump's concerns about corruption were only ever about Joe Biden and explicitly threatening to withhold American foreign aid if the Ukrainians don't investigate Trump's likely 2020 opponent.

Subtle! So much for the argument that Donald Trump has a deep-seated loathing of corruption in all its forms and seeks only to ensure that American tax dollars support strong civic government.

And Rudy sent the tweet FROM UKRAINE, where he's been holding a series of meetings with the most rancidly corrupt dregs from the former regime, which the Ukrainian people overwhelmingly just tossed out at the ballot box. It's truly amazing that a 75-year-old man whose main form of exercise appears to be philandering is still spry enough to kick himself in the dick all day long.

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Senate Intel Committee Knows GOP Ukraine Conspiracy Theories Are Horsesh*t But SHHHHH DON'T TELL!

Maybe they'll release their report when committee chair Richard Burr is done spreading Russian propaganda for Donald Trump.

Look, it's more news you probably missed this week because there are too many newses!

But first, we need to do a quick review:

  • Every journalist who has looked into spurious conspiracy theories that UKRAINE was the REAL COLLUSION in 2016 has found that it's bullshit. (Ken Vogel's New York Times piece on the Bidens and Ukraine was debunked within HOURS. Vogel's 2017 Politico piece, which started it all, and which Republicans referred to incessantly during the impeachment hearings, admitted that there was "little evidence of a top-down effort by Ukraine" to fuck with our election. Finally, John Solomon does not get to be included among "journalists," because that's not quite what he does for a living.)
  • Donald Trump's first homeland security advisor, Tom Bossert, has specifically said that Trump's "Ukraine stoled the DNC server and buried it in the backyard" conspiracy theory is fully debunked horseshit, and expressed distress that people fill the president's brain with things like that. "It sticks in his mind when he hears it over and over again," said Bossert in September, confirming Trump is very stupid.
  • Many impeachment witnesses, most notably Dr. Fiona Hill, who used to work for the Trump administration as the National Security Council's top Russia adviser, informed Congress that conspiracy theories about Ukraine meddling in the 2016 election are bullshit, and also Russian propaganda. Hill said this in her opening statement, right to Devin Nunes's face.
  • Democratic lawyer Daniel Goldman repeatedly showed a slide during those hearings with a quote from a Vladimir Putin press conference in early 2017, where Putin can be seen personally planting the seeds of the conspiracy theory that it was Ukraine and not Russia that attacked our election in 2016, to help Hillary Clinton steal the election from herself.
  • The intelligence community has specifically briefed the United States Senate and told them that shit is a Kremlin conspiracy theory, thereby strongly implying that Republicans like Senator John Kennedy and Devin Nunes and Rudy Giuliani and Donald Trump really need to STFU about it.

That's a pretty consistent and strong record.

But did you know that the GOP-led Senate Intelligence Committee has also studied the issue and made that same determination for itself? And that there is a report on that sitting at the office of the Director of National Intelligence that mysteriously hasn't been cleared for release, even though it is all finished?

WHOA IF TRUE! (It is true.)

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Rudy Giuliani Is In Ukraine Right Now. SURE, WHY NOT.

Never stop f*cking that chicken.

At least OJ Simpson had the courtesy to wait until after the murder trial was over to write that book about how he would have murdered his ex-wife and her boyfriend IF HE DID IT. Rudy Giuliani is right this very minute, as the impeachment is ongoing, in Ukraine filming If Trump Colluded With Shady Ukrainians To Frame Joe Biden. Subtle!

Fox's first cousin (on all four sides!) One America News Network (OANN) has been filming a documentary with a bunch of corrupt prosecutors who got shitcanned by Ukrainian presidents Poroshenko and Zelenskyy for being dirrrrrrty. Apparently this heroic act of journalisming has been going on for some time and we never heard about it because THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW. Just ask VRY SRS investigative journalist Chanel Rion -- not her porn name, apparently! -- seen here conducting a "deposition."

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Trump Goes 0 for 4,792 With The Courts, Declares FLAWLESS VICTORY!

It's almost like his arguments are all bad faith bullshit! ALMOST.

Another day, another court kicking Donald Trump in the dick. You love to see it! This time it's the Second Circuit, which ordered Deutsche Bank and Capital One to fork over Trump's financials in response to a House subpoena. That means we have two nut-crushers to update you on, since we we never even got to the DC Circuit telling former White House counsel Don McGahn yesterday to quit stalling and TESTIFY, BITCH. Only Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson phrased it as a Memorandum Opinion and Order Denying DOJ's Motion for a Stay Pending Appeal, because she's not a vulgar yuckmouth like some people!

Which should settle the matter, but you know that whiner in the White House will just shout ARTICLE TWO!!! ARTICLE TWO!!! like he knows what it means, and force his attorneys to dump the same shit on the Supreme Court's doorstep that failed at every other court where they tried to pass it off as Shinola. He's betting it all on Chief Justice John Roberts -- and he just might be right.


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Thanks For Nothing, Rod Rosenstein!

Weak. Shit.

Rod Rosenstein is a cringing little man who once did a very good thing. He protected the Mueller investigation despite massive pressure from Trump to shut it down along with a coordinated smear campaign by Fox and the howler monkey brigade. He also threw his colleague Lisa Page to the wolves, baring her personal life and painting a target on her back, simply to buy himself an easier afternoon before the House Judiciary Committee in December 2017. And former Justice Department Spokesperson Sarah Isgur Flores, now a CNN commentator, happily helped him do it and lied about it when she got caught. So these are not good people, and they should not live this down.

This story is back in the papers today because of Lisa Page's interview with Molly Jong-Fast at The Daily Beast. It's awful, and sad, and you should read the whole thing. In it, Page recounts being told that she was under investigation by the Justice Department's Inspector General, and realizing that, although she'd broken no laws, her affair with Peter Strzok was going to come out.

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Coming IG Report Doesn't Indict FBI For Treason And Bill Barr Is Having A Sh********tfittttt

This is what happens when you smoke your own farts.

Trump idiots have been so excited about the forthcoming report from Justice Department Inspector General Michael Horowitz on the origins of the Trump-Russia FBI investigation. Outside of their stupidity, there's no reason they should be excited, but this is what happens when you eat the stuff you cook up in your own bathtub. You know, figuratively.

They have been sincerely convinced that when Horowitz finishes his look into the beginnings of the Trump-Russia FBI investigation -- just like Attorney General Bill Barr has been doing! -- that he will see the light just like they do, and determine that it was WITCH HUNT and PETER STRZOK and BRUCE OHR and THEY WERE JUST TRYING TO GET NAKED PICK-SHURES OF DONALD TRUMP! They have been certain that he will find -- just like Barr believes! -- that "spying occurred" against the Trump campaign, and that it wasn't just some kind of regular spying like you see in the old movies, no, Horowitz will determine that OBAMA PEOPLE put WIRE TAPPS inside DONALD TRUMP'S SUMPTUOUS BOTTOM.

How could Horowitz find anything else? Those are just the things that happened, are we not correct?

The Washington Post reported Monday night that Bill Barr is so mad because Horowitz's report is going to say ... not that. Everybody laugh at Bill Barr, he is so mad right now, all God's children point and laugh!

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History Facts

Stupidest Jim Hoft's Brother On The Internet Can't Believe We're Not Executing Democrats

In which a Doktor of Rhetoric's head explodes.

Joe Hoft, the idiot brother of Stupidest Man on the Internet Jim Hoft, wants to know why we aren't killing Democrats yet for plotting to overthrow Donald Trump, because after all, the conspirators who assassinated Lincoln all danced the Hemp Fandango, didn't they? Yes, he's as serious as any of the idiots at Gateway Pundit ever get.

Here's the historical "logic," boldface and all:

President Trump is arguably the best US President since Lincoln, the last great President removed from office by Democrats.

Lincoln was assassinated after holding the country together and freeing Democrat owned slaves during the great Civil War. President Trump is too good for the Democrats. He has an 'America First' agenda which the traitorous Democrats and elites despise.

It's time that we Americans stand and call this what it is. This is another Democrat attempt to remove a President through any means necessary. It is seditious and treasonous. The Democrats in the 1860's that were in on the Lincoln assassination were killed in their escape or hanged high. ["hanged high" is highlighted in red at the site, because that is what the color of blood is, indicating Joe Hoft is quite serious indeed -- Dok]

We are entering a new phase when it's time to hold all seditious and treasonous Democrats who actively act to remove President Trump from office to the same fate!

Mind you, that's just the preface to the article. It gets even stupider after that. But the piece represents an apotheosis of sorts for the historical idiocy pushed by charlatans like Dinesh D'Souza and "Prager U": The Democrats of a century and a half ago supported slavery and Jim Crow, and party realignment never happened, so today's Democrats are exactly the same, and probably are seditious traitors, too. Just like that great Democratic hero John Wilkes Booth.

Also, please pour one out for poor Richard Milhous Nixon, who you might think would fit the category of "removed from office by Democrats." We aren't sure whether Hoft doesn't mention him because he wasn't a great president, or because Republicans had the good sense to tell Nixon it was all over.

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2020 Congressional Elections

Will GOP Lady-Gal Get WNBA Lez Cooties On Senate? MAYBE!

Georgia governor may appoint own rightwing flunky to Senate, not Donald Trump's, and they're going craaaazy.

Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp is in hot water with his own party's Trump loonies -- which is to say, virtually all Republicans -- because of reports he's likely to defy the Great Man's pick for the US Senate seat being vacated at the end of the year by Johnny Isakson, who's resigning due to declining health. Donald Trump wants rabid loyalist Rep. Doug Collins to move from the House to the Senate, but Kemp appears to have settled on an Atlanta financial services exec, Kelly Loeffler, a newcomer to politics but clearly an excellent choice for the Senate since she'll always side with rich people while perhaps not totally alienating women voters in the 'burbs the way a hardline Trumpsucker like Collins would.

For his efforts to game out an "electable" conservative candidate, Kemp is being excoriated by Trumpetarians as a dirty rotten traitor to the cause, since Trump's last-minute endorsement of Kemp in the 2018 GOP primary (breaking a Trump pledge to stay neutral) is thought to have tipped the primary his way.

Let's try not to revel too much in the anticipated wingnut-on-wingnut violence, shall we?

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Giuliani Wanted The Corrupt Ukrainian Prosecutor To Pay Him To ... Look, It's Complicated

No flowchart can handle it!

If you're not the customer, you're the product. Every 15-year-old on TikTok knows this, and yet President Dementor persists in believing that his free lawyer Rudy Giuliani is representing his personal interests, rather than selling access to the DOJ and the State Department, which flung their doors open to accommodate the president's personal attorney. Because Donald Trump is A IDIOT, but the Ukrainians are not. Which is why they tried to hand over cold, hard cash to get Rudy to plead their case to Attorney General Bill Barr.

The Washington Post reports that in February, while he was digging for dirt on Joe Biden in Ukraine, Giuliani was simultaneously negotiating with the county's top prosecutor, Yuriy Lutsenko, to represent the Ukrainian government in a bid to recover assets stolen under the previous regime and allegedly routed into American bank accounts. Lutsenko, who has since been fired by President Volodymr Zelenskyy, was ostensibly seeking a meeting with Barr to discuss asset recovery. Lutsenko told local publication Ukrainian Truth that Giuliani said the only way a foreign government could get in front of the DOJ was to hire a lobbyist, but the noble Ukrainian prosecutor steadfastly refused to pony up cash for access, claiming, "I said that I am the prosecutor general of Ukraine and will not pay a dime."

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Another Day, Another Judge Kicking Trump In The D*ck

And Don McGahn, too.

In a ruling which surprised exactly no one, US District Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson held yesterday that shouting ABSOLUTE IMMUNITY!!!!1!! while giving the finger to Congress does not, in fact or in law, nullify a congressional subpoena. Her Honor was similarly unimpressed with the Justice Department's argument that checks and balances is more of a suggestion than a rule, and thus it is UNLEGAL for the judiciary to decide any issue which touches the president because SEPARATION OF POWERS. In short, Donald Trump is not an absolute monarch, and there's no such thing as absolute immunity when it comes to his advisors, a total vindication of the House's argument to compel former White House Counsel Don McGahn to testify.

"Stated simply, the primary takeaway from the past 250 years of recorded American history is that Presidents are not kings," Judge Jackson wrote in her 120-page ruling.

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Remember That Time Rudy Giuliani Told The Truth? Nope, Us Neither.

We're living in a POST TRUTH WORLD.

The defining truth of life in the Trump era is that THERE IS NO TRUTH. If Donald Trump draws dicks on a map, then, dammit, that storm was going to hit Alabama. If one of his asscheeks sends a random tweet, then by God "Covfefe" is a real word, and anyone who doesn't get it is just an idiot. If the White House says Trump is getting taller and thinner and healthier every day, then your eyes must be deceiving you when they say he looks like a hamburger-scarfing heart-attack waiting to happen. And if Donald Trump says that the rancid sack of corruption/former chief prosecutor of Ukraine, the one pushed out by a coalition of the United States, European Union, and International Monetary Fund, was actually an upright, honest man, then it must be true.

That's the storyline Rudy Giuliani has been pushing for over a year now. Viktor Shokin wasn't comically corrupt, he was maligned by Joe Biden to protect his son. Shokin's replacement Yuriy Lutsenko was also an upright man, smeared by evil leftists and former Ukrainian Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch, not someone who was desperately trying to save his position as prosecutor after his boss Petro Poroshenko lost an election and Volodymyr Zelenskyy swept in on an anti-corruption platform promising to clean house at the prosecutor's office. Andriy Telizhenko, whose name came up over and over in the impeachment hearings and was the source for a January 2017 Politico piece accusing the DNC of soliciting (true) dirt from the Ukrainian embassy, isn't a shameless, self-promoting scammer. He's a wholly credible source who told Ken Vogel (OF COURSE!) the truth and nothing but.

The party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.

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2016 Presidential Election

Rudy And The Chucklefux Were Shaking Down ALLLLL The Oligarchs, ALLEGEDLY

A scam so nice, they had to run it twice!

Rudy Giuliani has lost his damn mind! The New York Times has finally confirmed what we've suspected all along -- that Giuliani sent Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman to persuade Ukrainian oligarchs to dig up dirt on Joe Biden to make their American legal problems go away. First he ran the play with Dmitry Firtash, who's facing extradition to the US on federal bribery charges. Then he twisted the arm of Ukraine's then-president Petro Poroshenko, who actually agreed to open investigations of the Bidens and the bullshit theories about Ukrainian interference in the 2016 US election. And then when Poroshenko lost his reelection bid, Rudy sent Parnas and Fruman to offer the Firtash deal to oligarch Ihor Kolomoisky, who was close to President-elect Volodymyr Zelenskyy and facing possible bank fraud charges of his own in the US. All with the blessing of the president of the United States. HO. LEE. SHIT.

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Giuliani-Chucklefux-Hairball Lawyers-Dmitry Firtash Traveling Band: Now With MORE COWBELL!

How you livin', Devin Nunes?

HOLY COW! Devin Nunes is even deeper in the manure than even we thought! In a massive Friday night news dump (betcha Daily Beast was hot on their trail), CNN busted the GOP plot to smear Joe Biden wide open. Remember Thursday the Beast reported Devin's four-day, taxpayer-funded field trip facilitated by Lev Parnas to A COUNTRY in Europe last December? Well! Turns out Devin and three congressional aides spent $4,000 per day, per person, of your money to jet off to Vienna and pump corrupt former Ukrainian prosecutor Viktor Shokin for dirt on Joe Biden. So Nunes has been part of this drug deal from the very beginning.

"Mr. Parnas learned from former Ukrainian Prosecutor General Victor Shokin that Nunes had met with Shokin in Vienna last December," Parnas's lawyer Joseph Bondy told CNN. So a full year ago, before Joe Biden had even declared his candidacy, Devin Nunes was using government resources to smear him in cahoots with the president's former attorney and his Ukrainian-American fixer? Cool, cool.

Nunes himself spoke to Parnas at least three times about Ukraine, and he didn't think that was worthy of mention in testimony that prominently featured Rudy Giuliani and Lev Parnas's schemes? Instead he spent the entire hearing howling that Chairman Adam Schiff COLLUDED with the whistleblower by telling his lawyer to file a formal complaint?


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2016 Presidential Election

GOP Blows Wad Over Inspector General Report That Doesn't Say Thing GOP Says It Says

If it weren't for bad faith ...

The Inspector General's report on the FISA warrant for Carter Page has started to leak and it is TOTAL VINDICATION! Just like very serious journalist Maria Bartiromo tweeted last night before her interview with the dumbest dingbat on the Trump campaign, "an innocent American citizen was wiretapped by a cabal of people who wanted to stop @realDonaldTrump @POTUS bc they had the power to do it."

Or maybe the opposite of that.

The Washington Post reports that there was nothing wrong with the factual or legal basis for the FISA warrant on Page, meaning that there was no defect in the predicate. Which is YEAH NO SHIT, since the Russians had tried to recruit that nutter in 2013, long before he popped up on a presidential campaign that was being actively supported by the Russian government.

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2016 Presidential Election

I Knew A Girl Named Nikki I Guess You Could Say She Was An Email Fiend

No jail for Nikki, she's a Republican!

Nikki Haley, you got some 'splainin' to do! The FOIA warriors at American Oversight just dumped a trove of documents that reveal the former UN Ambassador may have a little BUTTERY MALES problem of her own. No doubt the GOP will insist that her server be seized immediately before a wily Ukrainian oligarch spirits it off to bury in his back yard outside Kryvyi Rih in the Dnipropetrovsk Oblast!

Way back in July of 2017, before Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un fell in love and we fucked over the South Koreans by trying to extort them for protection money, North Korea looked very much like it was trying to provoke a war. It was launching missiles into the Sea of Japan every other week and threatening Guam and Hawaii. UN Ambassador Haley was rightly concerned, which is perhaps an explanation -- if not an excuse -- for why she sent confidential emails over the State Department's unclassified system while drafting her response to the crisis.


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