Deutsche Bank Whistleblower Spills The Beans On The Beancounters

Turns out, they looked the other way for Trump and Kush. This is your SHOCKED FACE!

Deutsche Bank shitcanned its own internal compliance reports to disappear suspicious Trump and Kushner transactions and make sure Treasury never got wind of them? You mean the bank that continued to make loans to Trump after every other lender tapped out, that accepted his overnight doubling of his "net worth" by claiming his brand was worth $4 billion, that continued to write him checks after he defaulted and then sued them claiming the 2008 financial crisis was an "act of God?" Those prudent beancounters cut corners to benefit their wealthy clients? FAM, WE ARE SHOOK.

No, not really. It would be shocking to find out that the private wealth managers let algorithms work their magic on high net worth individuals and turned the reports over to Treasury like they would for some guy making $75,000 who got a $19,000 wire from the Isle of Man. The rules for rich people are different, and Deutsche Bank did not get to be part of the "Global Laundromat" by taking all those anti-money laundering statutes literally. (And if you think the other big banks aren't doing the exact same thing, the Easter Bunny has a bridge to sell you. This is why Elizabeth Warren freaks the finance guys out -- she knows where all the bodies are buried.)

At the same time, this story in the New York Times about Deutsche Bank compliance officer Tammy McFadden getting fired for pointing out Trump and Kush's hinky transactions in 2016 -- including some with Russians, natch -- is pretty ridiculous. With regulators on two continents breathing down their necks for laundering Russian money, DB's private wealth bankers were allowed to swoop in and save their clients from any of that icky federal snooping into their questionable transactions.

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OH HEY MORE Steele Dossier Says PAUL MANAFORT Used Trump Org Server To Sext The Russians? SOME COLLUSION!

Citizens United FOIAed another Steele dossier. They're lying about what it says.

Trumpy wingnuts, in their quest to prove that the FBI did DEEP STATE HILLARY-ING to TRUMP by FRAMING him for RUSSIA STUFF, may have just opened (or helped re-open) a new line of inquiry in the question of the connections between Donald Trump's campaign and Russia, in Russia's active measures op to steal the 2016 election.

The usual suspects -- known mental pube John Solomon over at The Hill, Hannity's favorite "journalist" Sara Carter -- are crowing about the fruits of a FOIA request from David Bossie's Citizens United, saying it's the smoking gun that proves British spy Christopher Steele wanted his research to get out there before the election, which just proves he is SHILLARY for HILLARY, and so forth, you know the rest. And it's true, according to a memo from then-Deputy Assistant Secretary of State Kathleen Kavalec, that Steele briefed US officials on October 11, 2016, and said the group that hired him, which had been hacked by the Russians, was "keen to see this information come to light before November 8." (Is this new information? Nope. Glenn Simpson, the head of Fusion GPS, testified to Congress that Steele was near apoplectic trying to get the FBI to fucking listen to him about the ongoing attack on the American election. And if you were the people who got hacked -- the DNC and the Hillary Clinton campaign -- wouldn't you want the American people to know the election was under attack? Jesus fuck, this is not complicated.)

Of course, because Solomon appears to have fleas in his cranial cavity, this just proves his conspiracy theory true, because 10 days later, the FBI got a FISA warrant on Carter Page, and that means ... we don't know what the fuck he thinks it means. We have read every word he wrote, and the only thing we can really glean is that if John Solomon was our dad, we would kindly trick him into seeing a neurologist by promising him ice cream and a field trip to the petting zoo.

The thing is, if Solomon is reading from the same FOIA-ed document Wonkette is reading from, he either missed a big section, or he's lying by omission to his readers. He claims the whole document from Kavalec's memo is redacted, and maybe it was when he saw it. But the document Citizens United uploaded to the interweb, while indeed heavily redacted, features what amounts to a brand new mini-dossier of information from Christopher Steele, one that stopped us in our FUCKING tracks, now that we have read the full Mueller Report.

It comes on page 17 of the Kavalec memo, and it has some WHOA IF TRUE claims about Paul Manafort, and whether he might have been the biological operator of that weird Trump Organization server that only communicated with two Alfa Bank servers in Russia and one associated with the DeVos family's Spectrum Health. (Remember that weird server? Blast from the past! And did you forget Betsy's husband Dick DeVos runs Spectrum Health and that it might have some role to play here?)

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Derpsplaining (AGAIN!) Rudy Giuliani's Joe Biden Hitpiece, Ukrainium One

Learn up, it's gonna be a thing!

Is Rudy Giuliani drinking that Just for Men hair dye? What is going on with Grandpa America's Mayor's hair? And what nonsense is he dogwhistling through his lockjaw now?

I've decided I'm not going to go to the Ukraine. I'm not going to go because I've decided I'm walking into a group of people who are enemies of the president. In some cases enemies of the United States. In one case, an already convicted person who has been found to be involved in assisting with the 2016 election.

JFC, he's really putting all his chips on the PAUL MANAFORT WUZ FRAMED argument. An American jury sent Paul Manafort to jail for bringing in millions of untaxed dollars from Ukrainian oligarchs, but somehow it is no fair for Ukrainians to publicize Manafort's grift. Ipso facto hocus pocus, the Mueller investigation was illegal? Plus, also, somethingsomething Joe Biden. Clearly we picked the wrong day to quit snorting Poligrip. Unlike Rudy Giuliani!

Okay, let's see if we can derpsplain it all together, since this Ukrainium One lie isn't going away.

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Rudy Colludy Twisting Ukraine's Arm To Investigate Joe Biden

He's gonna make 'em an offer they can't refuse.

Third verse, same as the first. Little bit louder, and a little bit worse. Or in Donald Trump's case, a whole lot louder, and so, so much worse. Rudy Giuliani has once again rung up his pal Ken Vogel at the New York Times to announce that he is concocting a bullshit scandal out of thin air to damage Donald Trump's political rivals. If the paper wants to get in on the ground floor of this one, Rudy can arrange a front row seat for the low-low price of simply printing this Ukrainium One nonsense as if it might actually be true.

Perhaps we are too hard on the Times. Without their particular brand of access journalism, would we get Rudy unfiltered shouting, "HEY EVERYONE, I'M GOING TO UKRAINE TO LEAN ON THE GOVERNMENT TO GIN UP A SCANDAL AGAINST MY CLIENT'S POLITICAL RIVALS"?

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Trump Confesses To Obstruction Of Justice ESSENTIALLY

Shit your dad says.

Kellyanne, it's time to get your game face on, girl! President Sundown Syndrome just held a press conference to brag about Mueller's conclusion that the president committed "essentially no obstruction." (Not actually Mueller's conclusion, as he rather famously didn't make one.) "Essentially no obstruction" is an odd turn of phrase, so we fully expect to see Mrs. Conway on all the programs splaining that there is a five-count minimum for an obstruction of justice prosecution, and anyone who says otherwise is FAKE NEWS.

No collusion, and essentially no obstruction. Of course a lot of people say, "How can you obstruct when there was no crime? When there was no collusion, how can you possibly obstruct?"
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But Daddy, Don Junior Doesn't WANT To Testify Any More!

Looks like Junior's getting a second time in the barrel.

Don Junior, COME ON DOWN! The Senate Intel Committee enjoyed your first performance so much, they're demanding an encore. Guess they can't resist that Divorced Dad Back in the Game beard. Who can, really? But please, no dick pics -- save that shit for Kimmy, bro.

Yesterday Axios got the scoop that SSCI has been negotiating for weeks to have the president's son return for further testimony before the Committee. CNN reports that Deej is handling it with his usual aplomb.

A source close to Trump Jr. said in a statement Wednesday that when Trump Jr. testified in 2017, there was an agreement "that he would only have to come in and testify a single time as long as he was willing to stay for as long as they'd like, which Don did."

"Don continues to cooperate by producing documents and is willing to answer written questions, but no lawyer would ever agree to allow their client to participate in what is an obvious PR stunt from a so-called 'Republican' senator too cowardly to stand up to his boss Mark Warner and the rest of the resistance Democrats on the committee," the source said.

Hasn't he given you people enough?

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PSA: We Still Don't Know If Trump Is A F*cking Russian Intelligence Asset!

And Senate Democrats are seriously asking!

House Intelligence Committee Chair Adam Schiff made some horrifying comments in an interview yesterday with the Washington Post's Greg Sargent. It came as news was breaking that Schiff and his Republican counterpart, ranking member Devin "Cow Stuff" Nunes, jointly subpoenaed the FBI for the full, unredacted Mueller report, and also all the underlying evidence and intelligence Mueller uncovered. They specifically are demanding Rule 6(e) grand jury information, citing an exception in the law that says they are entitled to see that information -- no court order necessary! -- because as members of the House Intelligence Committee, they are officers who need to know "any grand-jury matter involving foreign intelligence, counterintelligence, or foreign intelligence information," as well as matters relating to "clandestine intelligence gathering activities by an intelligence service or network of a foreign power." The entire Trump-Russia question would seem to fall under that exception, wouldn't it!

Schiff wants us to know the FBI is specifically withholding Mueller investigation counter-intel findings from the House Intelligence Committee -- which by law they are supposed to get, because they are the intelligence committee, for God's sake -- and that he thinks Attorney General Bill Barr and Trump are personally putting their thumbs on the scale to keep it that way:

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Trump Checks His Executive Privilege, Decides Yes, He's KING!

We got us a real live constitutional crisis!

Time to fire up that shredder, kids! Poppy Trump has invoked executive privilege over the entire Mueller Report, so now we have to delete poor Evan's eight-million-word liveblog. DOH! Bill Barr followed through on his threat to ground the House and send it to bed without its 448-page bedtime story if Chairman Jerry Nadler proceeded this morning with a Judiciary Committee vote to hold the Attorney General in contempt of Congress. Which he did. Yesterday, Barr was willing to show a whole 12 of the 41 members of the Committee a less-redacted report, as long as they promised never to talk about it with anyone on the House Intel Committee. But now that is ILLEGAL because the entirety of the report -- including the 90 percent that has already been published unredacted -- is covered under a warm, fluffy blanket of privilege.

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What Are Trump's Syphilitic Brain Squirrels Scrabbling Around Today? WHAT AREN'T THEY!

So exonerated you don't even know!

It was a wild weekend for the syphilitic squirrels that live in Donald Trump's brain attic. The varmints spent Saturday rattling around retweeting various Infowars bigots and xenophobic loons who are being CENSORED!!!!1!! by Facebook in flagrant violation of the First Amendment, Geneva Convention, and Law of the Sea. But Sunday Trump had important business to attend to. He's got lots of congressional oversight to obstruct, and there's no time to waste!

Have you heard about NO COLLUSION? Robert Mueller and the two hundred angry Democrats gave Donald Trump a clean bill of health. (No, not really.) Having adjudged Trump pure as a virgin birth, Mueller is now obliged to take a vow of silence and never speak of the president again. Just ask Lou Dobbs if you don't believe it.

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Meet The New Uranium One. Same As The Old Uranium One.

This time with Joe Biden and more UKRAINE!

Were you wondering if the media has figured out how to deal with bad faith Republican attacks since the 2016 debacle? They have not! The GOP spinmeisters put their heads together and came up with a spiffy new Uranium One lie for 2020 -- oh, let's call it UKRAINIUM ONE -- and the "liberal" New York Times happily ran right off after it. Yeah, it's going to be another shitshow.

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Trump Gives New York Times Pulitzer For Reporting On Spies In His Underpants

Fucking fuck, everything is so stupid right now.

One of the genres of news story we love best (that's sarcasm) is when something breaks that's not actually totally new, but just more details on something we already knew the general parameters of, but then certain people treat it as BRAND NEW. For instance, look what Dillweed is tweeting about this fine morning:

Well that's just FAN-DAMN-TABULOUS. It's too "hot" to avoid, because "hot" needs quotation marks, any native English speaker would put quotation marks there.

So the New York Times says there are spies in Trump's underpants, and he's screaming TOLD YOU. Let's see what Pulitzer-worthy hot scoop that serves to validate Donald Trump's preconceived notions that couldn't come out at a worse time Adam Goldman and Michael Schmidt are serving us today, and yes, we are throwing shade, because that is kind of their thing:

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Rod Rosenstein Crashes The Plane

He's a groveling toady. The next guy will be worse.

Is this what Rod Rosenstein meant by landing the plane? Because he seems to have missed the runway entirely. Does the deputy attorney general really think that kissing Trump's gnarly orange toes while frantically mumbling MAGA incantations will protect him? Trump has attacked everyone who ever worked for him. That maniac tweeted photos of Rosenstein behind bars when the Mueller investigation was ongoing. Ol' Rod has a wildly active fantasy life if he believes that he's about to wander off into private practice, never to be bothered by Hannity and the Howler Monkeys again.

But seriously, look at this bullshit mash note he dropped on Trump yesterday:

Dear Mr. President:

The Department of Justice made rapid progress in achieving the Administration's law enforcement priorities -- reducing violent crime, curtailing opioid abuse, protecting consumers, improving immigration enforcement, and building confidence in the police -- while preserving national security and strengthening federal efforts in other areas.

The fuck is he talking about? The opioid crisis continues unabated, they're dismantling the Consumer Finance Protection Bureau, Trump has declared a national emergency on immigration, and only 57 percent of Americans have confidence in police. He's right that the murder rate is down, although rapes and assaults are up. But Making America Great Again is more of a figurative goal. It's like the president's weight -- it defies traditional measurements.

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Maria Butina, GTFO!

Well, first go to jail. Then RETURN TO SENDER.

GIRL, BYE! This morning, Maria Butina was sentenced to 18 months for failing to register as a foreign agent, after which she'll be deported back to Mother Russia. With credit for time served and good behavior, she might even get home to see the snow falling in Moscow on Christmas Eve, so important for a woman whose devotion to Jesus is only surpassed by her love of heavy weaponry.

Spoken like someone who figured out years ago that the way for Russia to worm itself into American politics was by snuggling up to Jesus and the NRA. Which is very much NOT SPY STUFF, says Butina's attorney Alfred Carry, who argued that his client is but a poor, idealistic student, whose only crime was wanting to unite the countries she so deeply loves.

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Post-Racial America

Thank You Rod Rosenstein, Sniveling Toady!

Don't go away mad. Just GTFO.

Thanks, Rod! No really. The deputy attorney general appointed Special Counsel Robert Mueller and protected the Russia investigation for 18 long months, despite a sustained campaign of harassment by Donald Trump and his howler monkey minions. The president of the United States tweeted photos of him behind bars, House Republicans threatened to impeach him, and Rosenstein just kept showing up and doing his job. The country owes him a profound debt of gratitude for weathering that storm. But Rod Rosenstein is also guilty of shameful, partisan acts -- most recently lending his accumulated credibility to Bill Barr's pathetic whitewash of the Mueller Report -- for which he deserves only derision. So, as he exits stage right, it would behoove him to keep his head down and refrain from taking a victory lap. He really, really should not do THIS:

We use the term "rule of law" to describe our obligation to follow neutral principles. As President Trump pointed out, "we govern ourselves in accordance with the rule of law rather [than] … the whims of an elite few or the dictates of collective will."

OH, NO HE DIDN'T. He did not go out there and hold up Donald Trump as a beacon of principled government and neutral application of the law. He could not possibly have described the man who tried dozens of times to end the investigation into Russian hacking and instead sic law enforcement on his political enemies as standing for heroic American values. There's no way in hell that he's describing a person who is currently flouting all congressional oversight, including that mandated by the plain language of the statute, as a heroic advocate for equal justice under the law.

Just kidding, of course he is!

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Hillary Clinton Has A Message For Trump's Victims, AKA All Living Americans

A primer on how to end Trump's presidency!

Hello, America, it's me, Hillary Clinton, the one who FUCKING TOLD Y'ALL'S ASSES APPROXIMATELY ONE MILLION TIMES, DID YOU NEED ME TO MAKE VISUAL AIDS? That is how Hillary Clinton could have started her new surprise op-ed in the Washington Post if she were willing to be a total dick in public like a common Wonkette. As it is, that's not how she started her op-ed about what we should do in response to the truly appalling Mueller Report on Criminal-In-Chief Donald Trump:

Our election was corrupted, our democracy assaulted, our sovereignty and security violated. This is the definitive conclusion of special counsel Robert S. Mueller III's report. It documents a serious crime against the American people.

A SERIOUS CRIME AGAINST THE AMERICAN PEOPLE? Yes, even the ones in Buttfuck, Kentuckystan, who worship Trump as their lord and savior.

But what should we do? Investigations? Impeachment? Should we just have an ice cream party and then investigate Hillary Clinton some more, because it was fun the first 48,000 times? She says this is a false choice, and doesn't even include the possibility of investigating herself, because she's shifty like that.

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