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Rudy Giuliani REALLY Doesn't Want To Talk About FBI Agents Leaking Hillary Dirt Up His Ass In 2016

He seems mighty defensive!

'Sup, Rudy?

VANITY UNFAIR! EAT YOUR HEARTS OUT! Yikes, it's like if Donald Trump's Twitter feed fucked itself and made a Trump Twitter incest baby.

He is so mad. For some reason, on the same day as the Department of Justice inspector general released a report saying James Comey committed no crimes, people are talking about this other thing that Comey has said should be investigated, that Wonkette has said should be investigated, and that the IG is supposedly going to get around to investigating once he's done with whatever Trump enemies list Bill Barr has stacked on his desk. Maybe he's totally doing it! We just don't know.

When the IG report on the Hillary Clinton emails investigation came out -- you know, the one that found that the FBI totally screwed Hillary, and that exactly zero of the conspiracy theories that ooze out of the brains of Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani like syphilitic rat smegma are true -- we learned a lot of things about why then-FBI director Comey, for better or for worse, decided he had to go to Congress 11 DAYS BEFORE THE GODDAMNED ELECTION to tell them about "new" delicious Hillary Clinton emails found on Anthony Weiner's laptop. We learned that Comey had in mind the likelihood that if he didn't tell Congress, the info would have leaked anyway. (Or maybe disinformation.)

But leaks from whom? Well! Let us tell you! For the 50th time in three years! There was this cohort of rogue FBI agents in the New York field office who very seemed to be leaking directly to Rudy Giuliani and his buddy Jim Kallstrom (who used to run the NY FBI office) and Erik Prince about GROSS HILLARY REVELATIONS A-COMIN'. They were all over the TV and the radio talking about how the FBI had probably just found a smoking gun on Hillary and that she was probably going to be indicted, for "emails" and "Clinton Foundation" and "PizzaGateWhitewaterFileGateBenghaziiiiiiii!11!1!" (or something), you betcha, just you wait and see! It was allllll over Fox News.

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Russia

House Judiciary Committee Finally Lighting A Fire Under Don McGahn's Ass

Pony up, fuckers!

It's about damn time! The House Judiciary Committee has finally asked the US District Court in DC to call bullshit on the Trump administration's claim that congressional oversight is ILLEGAL because of some made up claim of "absolute immunity" that White House Counsel Pat Cipollone pulled out of his smarmy, Covington Catholic ass. And if Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson isn't willing to grant summary judgment on this legal question, perhaps she will be willing to order former White House Counsel Don McGahn, who witnessed all the obstruction of justice, to get his behind into the committee for testimony pronto, since it's considering whether to recommend impeachment and needs access to all the evidence to carry out its constitutionally mandated duty.

Yep, the committee is using the "I" word. Again. 44 times in 57 pages. Oh, it's on.

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Politics

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Launches Website For Future Grifting Purposes, Whatever They Might Be!

She should never work in politics again. Ever. But she's probably going to.

We'd hoped Sarah Huckabee Sanders had gone away forever, never to darken our lives with her bullshit again, but she Just. Won't. Go. Away. Sanders launched a new personal website Monday, which Politico describes (repeatedly) as "sleek" and "high-polish."

Let's take a look:

We're a little disappointed that no one thought to buy the URL "sarahhuckabeesanders.com" and use it to solicit donations for the First Amendment Project. The landing page is designed as if Sanders believes she has a future in politics, which, considering today's GOP, is probably true, even though the woman has zero credibility as a public official. The featured photo is also misleading because she's shown addressing the press without her usual Super Soaker filled with cat pee. (FACTCHECK: she did not actually use a Super Soaker filled with cat pee during her few briefings. That's just how they made everyone feel.)

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Russia

Rudy Giuliani Is Just Asking Questions

About the Seth Rich murder! About the Joe Biden Ukrainium One 'scandal' he made up in his brain! All of it!

Rudy Giuliani, that great seeker of knowledge, is just asking questions. Far be it from Donald Trump's personal unpaid lawyer to suggest that Hillary Clinton had DNC staffer Seth Rich murdered for leaking emails to Julian Assange. But he's just so curious!

When reached for comment by the Daily Beast's Will Sommer, Chatty Cathy referred to "nagging coincidences," saying, "I vaguely remember it and was asking a question about whether it was ever investigated fully. [...] Don't remember if it was ever solved? Was it." A normal person might ask Mr. Google, but Rudy's a busy guy, so he just put it out for his research assistant, Mr. Twitter. And if he prolongs the agony for Seth Rich's parents by implying that their dead son was a disloyal leaker, well, "some degree of emotional pain" is just the price they have to pay for Rudy's insatiable curiosity.

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White House

New Sarah Huckabee Sanders Has History Of Plagiarism And DUIs, She Sounds #BeBest

Almost anyone would be an improvement over Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and we guess Stephanie Grisham is technically 'almost anyone.'

We told you yesterday that horrible person Sarah Huckabee Sanders has a sweet new deal at Fox News, where she will lie shamelessly for money. It's not a big stretch from what Sanders did previously as White House press secretary, a once noble position she disgraced. We'd consider almost anyone who replaced her an improvement, and Stephanie Grisham is almost anyone, so we shouldn't complain that Grisham doesn't actually do her job. The White House hasn't held a press briefing since Sanders told a bunch of lies on March 11, and Grisham claims press briefings are passé because Donald Trump is "so accessible" and "that's good enough." It so isn't. Trump tweets bigoted garbage and yells lies at reporters while standing near a rotored conveyance he helpfully identifies as a helicopter. Even if he was effectively communicating to the American people like a functioning mammal, why is Grisham trying to downsize herself two months into the job?

According to profile in the New York Times, this new gig is supposedly the realization of a lifelong dream for Grisham.

"I've always had a picture of the White House and it would always sit right in front of my desk" in the Arizona Capitol, Ms. Grisham told a local television interviewer from the state shortly after joining the administration. "Whenever I was having a hard day I could look at it and remember what my goal was."

This makes sense if her goal was to someday visit the White House or even just walk past it on the way to one of DC's finer restaurants. Pretty much anyone can do at least one of those things. She should've aimed higher and framed a photo of the Oval Office specifically or the war room or someplace they don't show you on the standard tour.

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Russia

Overstock Dude Says He Only Pretended To Bone Russian Spy Maria Butina For Love Of Country

Why are you like this, 2019?

GO HOME 2019, YOU ARE DRUNK! The country cannot take another batshit news cycle with an insane, libertarian CEO waving around his wizened wiener, shouting that the evil Deep State made him bone Russian spy Maria Butina. We are all so, so tired. And yet, here we are, having to learn about Overstock.com owner Patrick Byrne, the looniest corporate titan on the block since the feds picked up John McAfee.

Okay, fine. Glove up, kids, we're going in.

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Elections

FEC Head Tells Trump To Knock Off The 'Voter Fraud' Bullsh*t

Spoiler: Trump will not knock off the 'voter fraud' bullshit.

With Donald Trump on yet another tear about how he only lost the 2016 popular vote because they're all out to get him, the chair of the Federal Election Commission (FEC) asked him to please stop undermining Americans' faith in the fairness of our elections. Haha, like that's going to happen! In the past week, Trump has lied about nonexistent election fraud in New Hampshire, griped that California and other states sabotaged his fraudulent voter commission to cover up "proof" of voter fraud, and has floated a bizarre conspiracy theory about Google unfairly manipulating election results with its search algorithms somehow. The guy who insisted in 2016 the election would be "rigged" because he thought he'd lose is certainly not going to start becoming a fan of reality now.

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Trump

Trump In Love Spat With Billionaire Buddy Tom Barrack

Will he flaunt his beach body now that they're dunzo?

After three decades, the bromance between Donald Trump and his longtime pal and actual billionaire businessman Tom Barrack is on the rocks. Donny and Tommy are on a break, and Politico has the DL on their tough split.

Trump was "really upset" to read reports about Barrack's role in allegedly making it easy for some foreigners and others to try to spend money to get access to Trump and his inner circle and whether some of the inauguration money was misspent, according to a senior administration official.

"The president was really surprised to read all about the inauguration and who was trying to buy access and how, because the president doesn't get any of that money," said the official.

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! You bet, fellas! Donald "Russia If You're Listening" Trump, the guy who refuses to say he won't accept foreign help in 2020, is "really upset" that Tom Barrack besmirched his honor by allegedly taking inauguration donations from disreputable foreign sources. It's got nothing at all to do with Barrack's cooperation with the multiple federal inquiries into the campaign PAC and inauguration, or his characterization of the House Judiciary's inquiry as "important work."

Although the part about Trump losing his shit that he only netted a piddly $1.5 million in room rentals when the inauguration was raking in cash sounds legit. Ditto for Politico's reporting that Barrack's requests to be appointed roving ambassador to everywhere -- literal quote, "Tom wanted to be special envoy to the Middle East and then special envoy in South America and then he was going to be the ambassador to Argentina and then he didn't want that and then he was going to be ambassador to Mexico" -- grated on Trump's nerves.

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Media/Entertainment

Mark Halperin Puts Penis To Paper For New Trump Book No Decent Person Should Buy

Mark Halperin: 'If I Did It.'

In a just world, the story of Mark Halperin — pervert and philosopher — would end with him getting bombed on Woolite under one of Manhattan's less fashionable bridges. Unfortunately, we're all trapped in the world where Donald Trump is president, so a legitimate publisher has signed a book deal with the hack pundit who rubbed his nasty-ass penis on women without their consent.

C'mon, Donna!Twitter

The above notice states definitively that "the height of the #MeToo movement" was in 2017. So we guess it's all over now. Men said so. Ladies, please put on your company-issued go-go boots and report to your dancing cages. It's not even two full years, y'all. Halperin wasn't away long enough to grow a solid beard of shame.

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Congress

Corey Lewandowski Will Make Sweet Extramarital Love To Senate Race, F*ck Congressional Subpoenas

What fun we have here!

Corey Lewandowski, COME ON DOWN! You're the second contestant on the Trump Fuckin' Up Local Elections Show! Last season, the audience was treated to the spectacle of Kris Kobach being foisted on Kansas voters by presidential endorsement, defeating sitting Governor Jeff Colyer in the Republican primary, only to go down to Democrat Laura Kelly in the general. In Kansas! Turns out, furiously humping Trump's leg isn't actually a winning strategy in a place where Democrats and independent voters make up a sizable portion of the electorate. Womp womp!

But Corey's a scrapper, especially when it comes to the ladies. Will he rise to the challenge and take on New Hampshire's Democratic Senator Jeanne Shaheen in 2020? It's looking more and more likely. This week, Trump's shady-ass pollster Tony Fabrizio was flogging a dubious survey showing Lewandowski beating all the declared Republicans. On the subject of his viability against Shaheen herself, Fabrizio was silent. Last night, Lewandowski got a shoutout from Trump at his Manchester MAGA rally. And RNC Chair Ronna Romney McDaniel gushed to Politico, "Obviously, Corey is a star. He's going to do really well if he debates any Democrat, Shaheen."

And if by "star" Ronna means a raging dickhead who once got arrested for bringing a gun into a congressional office building, grabbed a (Breitbart!) reporter and threw her on the ground during the 2016 campaign, slapped a woman's ass at a Trump gala and laughed that it was allowed in the "private sector," suggested that the current Republican governor of New Hampshire is associated with Hamas, and ran around on the mother of his four kids with a much younger campaign staffer, then your Wonkette is entirely in agreement.

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Post-Racial America

Anthony Scaramucci Taps Out ... Long After The Ref Called The Match

YOU TRIED IT.

Oh, noes! We've had another Scaramucci outbreak. Quick, grab the cortisone and start rubbing before it spreads!

That's right, the Mooch is back, baby. Do you have questions about Donald Trump's mental competence? Or who in Washington can suck his own cock? Or perhaps the finer plot points of The Wizard of Oz?

Clearly you need to have done A LOT of drugs to parse that analogy, but if we had to guess, he's saying Donald Trump is a crazy melted green witch, so all the Republicans will now abandon him and become Friends of Dorothy for Mike Pence.

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Featured

Andrew McCabe Is Back To Discovery The Sh*t Out Of The FBI

Are you there Donald? It's me, Andy.

Former deputy FBI director Andy McCabe is back, and he just dumped a whole pile of ugly receipts on Donald Trump's desk. McCabe's wrongful termination lawsuit accuses the Department of Justice and the FBI of abetting "Trump's unconstitutional plan and scheme to discredit and remove DOJ and FBI employees who were deemed to be his partisan opponents because they were not politically loyal to him." If Peter Strzok was aggrieved in his suit filed two days ago, McCabe is furious. He's here for his pension, sure. But also, he's ready to burn that shit down to the ground.

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Russia

WaPo Fact-Checker: Cory Booker On Trump Stealing Michigan Is Biggest Liar Since Barack Obama

Here's some Four Pinocchio bullshit right here!

In many ways, Wednesday was Cory Booker's night. In a debate that was mostly boring, tedious, and poorly thought-out, he landed some zingers and clearly had some fun, sparring with Joe Biden over his crime bill record and saying, "If you want to compare records, and frankly I'm shocked that you do, I am happy to do that." Elsewhere, he had a fun moment when he clearly got the best of Biden, who responded by calling Booker the "future president." As Amanda Marcotte notes at Salon, Biden was trying to land a zinger of his own, but Booker was the one who looked more presidential in that moment.

But the line from Booker we personally loved was when, in response to a question about how to make sure Democrats win back Michigan in 2020, he spoke a hard truth that too many in the lazy mainstream media and the Democratic Party seem terrified to say out loud:

This is one of those times where we're not staring at the truth and calling it out. And -- and this is a case for the Democratic Party, the truth will set us free.

We lost the state of Michigan because everybody from Republicans to Russians were targeting the suppression of African American voters. We need to say that. If the African American vote in this state had been like it was four years earlier, we would have won the state of Michigan. We need to have a campaign that is ready for what's coming: an all out assault especially on the most valuable voter group in our -- in fact, the highest performing voter group in our coalition, which is black women.

And so I will be a person that tries to fight against voter suppression and to activate and engage the kind of voters and coalitions who are going to win states like Michigan and Pennsylvania and Wisconsin.

And the crowd went wild, and the Washington Post's dumbass fact-checker Glenn Kessler just called Booker a liar. And not just any liar either, but a FOUR PINOCCHIO liar. We thought the Post's fact-checker might be better at checking facts than that, but we are kidding, we didn't think that at all.

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