Tulsi Gabbard continues embarrassing herself and loved ones.
You might've noticed the hashtag #IVotedForHillaryClinton trending on Twitter earlier this week. People wanted to declare that they'd chosen sanity over what actually wound up in the White House. Donald Trump is marching us to a senseless war, as Republicans like to do whenever they're in office. Hillary Clinton tried to warn us. She didn't belabor the point. She often just pointed at Trump during debates and shouted, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
Some conservatives are claiming, however, that Clinton's Iran strategy wouldn't have differed much from Trump's. That assumes Trump actually has an Iran strategy and there's no evidence of this. His entire foreign policy is just a game of pin the tail on the dildo.
Mark Kelly is a goddamn astronaut!
Go West, young man! Don't spend all your time and energy in the Rust Belt, because we have just as good a shot at taking Arizona's 11 electoral votes as we do Wisconsin's 10. And we have a better than even chance of picking up a Senate seat in the Grand Canyon state if we can somehow induce our voters to show up like they did in 2018, when they rejected Martha McSally the first time. Which is why the senator just hit the panic button and begged for a bailout from out-of-state donors.
This morning, Public Policy Polling (PPP), a Democratic pollster, published new numbers on Arizona and Iowa. Trump has never been popular in Arizona, and 52 percent of respondents to a phone/text poll conducted in the past two weeks disapprove of the president. Even against a historically unpopular candidate in 2016 (we're not going to fight about this now!), Trump was only able to win by 3.6 percent, as compared to Romney's 9 point margin in 2012. And while he polls basically even with Joe Biden, and only slightly ahead of Sanders, Warren, and Buttigieg, about 8 percent of respondents remain undecided.
And Rudy Giuliani's not even his lawyer!
Congratulations to Michael Flynn's nutbag lawyer Sidney Powell on a flawless victory! In December of 2018, federal prosecutors asked for zero jail time for her client. Then the former national security adviser fired his white shoe law firm, hired himself a fancy teevee lawyer who sells T-shirts on her website, and like magic the feds are now recommending he spend up to six months in the pokey. Well-played, everyone!
In December 2017, Gen. Michael Flynn pleaded guilty to one count of lying to the FBI about his conversations with the former Russian ambassador. He acknowledged his guilt twice, under oath, in open court. As part of the plea, Flynn gave up any right to further exculpatory evidence and promised to help the Justice Department prosecute his former colleague Bijan Rafiekian for unregistered lobbying on behalf of the Turkish government. So when it came time for him to be sentenced a year ago, prosecutors were willing to overlook all the sniveling bullshit in his pleading about being framed by the mean old FBI.
Judge Emmet Sullivan was not willing to overlook it, however. In fact, he was furious that Michael Flynn, a man who spent decades in the military and held one of the highest offices in the land, would come into his court and try to pull some shit about not knowing it's bad to lie to the FBI. His Honor made it very clear that Michael Flynn was going to spend a whole lotta time in the hoosegow if he didn't go back and cooperate a whole lot more with prosecutors. Crystal clear. Pellucid.
So what did Michael Flynn do?
It was real crazyass!
It's been a hell of a year for the president's pro bono lawyer Rudy Giuliani. It started when Rudy admitted on live television that his client was negotiating with Russia to build Trump Tower Moscow all the way up to the election, NO COLLUSION! It ended with Rudy drooling onto his sweater, ranting about WHO IS JOO, and under investigation by his old office at the Southern District of New York. Along the way, there were ten thousand butt dials, one hideous divorce, and his Ukrainian machinations managed to get Donald Trump impeached. So all in all, it was an amazing success!
Rudy Giuliani ruins a perfectly good smear campaign.
If Donald Trump wasn't a batshit loon with a demented, spittle-flecked lawyer, he probably would have gotten away with this Uranium One redux. There's a tiny kernel of truth to the Ukrainium One smear, inside a giant, grease-soaked popcorn tub of lies. Clearly Hunter Biden was put on the Burisma board not for his international business skills but in hopes that he might provide some cover for the company and its crooked owner Mykola Zlochevsky. Having US allies on your side is a powerful shield in that part of the world. Which is exactly why corrupt Ukrainian prosecutor Yuriy Lutsenko tried to hire Rudy Giuliani, and former Ukrainian president Yuliya Tymoshenko paid former GOP congressman Bob Livingston to lobby Giuliani on her behalf. Everyone knows how this rigged game is played, and no one knows it better than Ol' Roodles.
And Giuliani may be a raving nutbag with a literal zipper problem, but he did manage to get his Turkish and Venezuelan clients' cases directly in front of the State and Justice departments. In contrast, Joe Biden's fuckup son appears to have gotten bupkiss for his guys, probably because his personal life is even messier than Rudy's. But still, if Donald Trump had any chill at all, he could probably have made some serious political hay out of shining a spotlight on Hunter Biden's flaccid attempts at influence-peddling fuckery.
BUT DONALD TRUMP HAS NO CHILL. NONE. ZERO.
World's shittiest witness this side of Lev Parnas says WHAT?
God may forgive Michael Cohen, but the Southern District of New York will not. Last night SDNY filed its response to Cohen's motion for a reduction of his sentence, and the president's former lawyer/fixer/pornstar-payer/bank of last resort is clearly on Santa's naughty list. Turns out, lying all the time and to everyone you meet makes you pretty much useless as a government witness. Go know!
Last week, Michael Cohen's lawyers filed multiple affidavits attesting to his voluminous cooperation with the government and howling in indignation that anyone might describe their client as lacking in credibility. How very dare you, sir, suggest that Michael Cohen, a man who pleaded guilty to lying to Congress, is an unreliable witness!
In response, the feds filed a motion pointing out that they could have charged Cohen for perjury for all the times he swore under oath that he never nohow tried to get a job in the White House after the election, helpfully including the transcript of that testimony, a link to a television interview where he expressed his hope for a White House job, texts where he said he anticipated being named chief of staff, and a secretly recorded conversation where he affirmed same. The fact that it was just a STUPID LIE, which convinced no one, is immaterial. It still made Cohen totally useless as a government witness.
If it's a day, Giuliani is confessing to crimes in the media.
It's noon on a Monday, and Mitch McConnell is already having a week. Trump's babysitters had finally gotten Li'l Crankypants to agree to a 17-minute impeachment sham in the Senate, promising that Lindsey Graham would stage show hearings on the Biden bullshit after Uncle Mitch magicked away any real danger for the president. But then Rudy Giuliani stuck his stupid pinky ring in and screwed it all up. Yes, Rudy's back from Ukraine where he's been filming a "documentary" on Joe Biden's multiple attempts to poison Ukrainian prosecutor Viktor Shokin. And that's not even a joke!
So now Trump has promised that his free lawyer Rudy will be presenting his findings to the Department of Justice, State Department, and Congress as SCIENCE PROOF that Donald Trump was duty-bound to investigate Joe Biden and thus impeachment is UNLEGAL.
The Grandpa Crazy Express train is barreling down the tracks toward the White House and the State Department. No wonder Mike Pompeo is conspicuously fingering the rip cord of his State Department parachute.
Trump Maybe Won't Debate In 2020 Because Last Time They Rigged It To Make Him Stupid, Yep, That's It
Hate it when 'they' make Donald Trump stupid.
Donald Trump has a totally legitimate reason for maybe deciding to act even more like a criminal authoritarian king during the election next year, by refusing to debate his eventual Democratic opponent.
No, it's not because Joe Biden or Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren or Pete Buttigieg or, we dunno, a hologram of Marianne Williamson beamed in from outer space, would make him look very stupid, because of how he is the stupidest person in the entire United States of the World, STOP SAYING IT'S BECAUSE HE'S STUPID.
And no, it's not because he's a total chickenshit who's BAWK BAWK BAWK about having to go head-to-head in a battle of wits against literally anybody.
And no, it's not because his old balls body is too incontinent at this point to stand on a stage for three hours without a poop break.
And no, it's not because they won't let him bring big Sharpie-written notes that say "BIDEN IS THE REAL YOUKRAINE" or "SAY POCOHOMTAS MORE" or "PETE IS THE GAY KIND."
And no, it's not because he's bad at talking and did we mention stupid?
Just kidding, it actually is because he's stupid, but not in the most obvious way. You see, THEY made it RIGGED, and he is STILL MAD:
Or maybe he won't, dunno, gonna have to check his schedule.
Many fascinating shitshows happened in Wednesday's hearing with Department of Justice Inspector General Michael Horowitz in the Senate Judiciary Committee. Republicans lied and pretended the central focus of Horowitz's report was that there were some unexplained fuckups with the FISA applications for Carter Page, when the actual main point -- you could tell because Horowitz listed it first every time he was asked -- was that the Trump-Russia investigation was correctly predicated, without political bias. All the rest is "room for growth" at the FBI.
But another thing came up in the hearing. We all know Rudy Giuliani is currently committing election inteference crimes on behalf of his client Donald Trump in Ukraine, that Giuliani is under criminal investigation by the Southern District of New York for Ukraine stuff and God knows what else, and that his best Chucklefuck pals Lev and Igor are currently under indictment related to those schemes.
But do you remember Rudy's first weirdass scheme for Trump, the one that happened in the month leading up to the 2016 election?
Republicans won't impeach Trump because a random protestor asked for it once.
Temporarily embarrassed Republican Tom Nichols likes to lecture liberals as if we're the ones who put Donald Trump in office. We didn't vote for the president but every move we make, even every breath we take, somehow enables him. Yesterday on Twitter, Nichols, who also enjoys mocking homeless families, dropped an "I told you so" bomb about impeachment. See, Republicans are rallying behind their mob boss president, and liberals are somehow to blame because people took to the streets in horror after the Electoral College gag-gifted us Trump.
Republican defenders of Trump make shit up at the speed of lies. As Gutman said in The Maltese Falcon, "There's never any telling what [they'll] say or do next, except that it's bound to be something astonishing." There was never any "right" way to oppose Trump that would somehow magically lead to bipartisan consensus, as if we were living inside a "West Wing" rerun.
In case the Ukrainians hadn't worked out that Trump sold them out, Trump wants to make it extra clear.
Thank goodness we have the Russian press to tell us what's REALLY going on. Yesterday CNN got confirmation from Russian Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Maria Zakharova that the rumored Oval Office meeting with Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov is a go for this afternoon. The Ukrainians are desperately trying to negotiate an end to the war with invading Russians, while Donald Trump plants a big fat kiss on Putin's ass. Ukraine, if you're listening ... we just screwed you over.
The meeting will be closed to the American press, of course, so we'll have to rely on Russia to tell us which country's intelligence service Trump sells out this time and whether the FBI director is getting fired. Thanks, Pootie!
It's your Sunday show rundown!
After a few weeks of the Sunday shows dealing with the C-level Trump lackeys, we got the appearance of some of the "All-Stars" this week from the House and the Senate. So we begin with Texas Senator and second-string Ulysses S. Grant cosplayer Rafael "Ted" Cruz. Appearing on "Meet The Press," Cruz was there to give us a preview of how Republicans in the McConnell-led Senate are going to handle their constitutional duty: like the cynical, partisan hacks they all are!
Chuck Todd began by outlining how the Trump administration's "tough" foreign policy rhetoric doesn't seem to jive with their actions, citing as an example Trump wanting Russia to return to the G7 WITHOUT returning the annexed Crimea (you know, the reason they were booted to begin with!). Cruz immediately deployed Republicans' well-worn talking points, and we were off:
CRUZ: By any measure, the president's policy and this administration's policy have been tougher on Russia and, actually, better for Ukraine than Obama's was. Let me give you an example. You just mentioned Ukrainian aid. The Donald Trump administration gave lethal defensive aid to Ukraine, Javelin missiles, to take out Russian tanks. Do you know what? Throughout the Obama administration, I repeatedly pressed President Obama to give lethal aid to Ukraine. I traveled to Ukraine. I went to the Maiden Square, in Kiev. And they needed lethal aid. But the Obama administration, they sent, teddy bears and MREs.
This talking point is a perfect example of how Republicans hear one "clever" retort and repeat it like the uncle who tries to perform Chris Rock jokes he heard.
Shine on, you batshit crazy diamond!
Rudy Giuliani can't stop, won't stop. The man is under investigation by the pit bulls at SDNY for possible failure to disclose his representation of a foreign government official. His associates just got indicted on a massive campaign finance scheme undertaken in the interest of former Ukrainian prosecutor Yuriy Lutsenko, with whom Giuliani himself has worked for the past year. Giuliani's phone records just showed up in the House Intelligence Committee report. And, not for nothing, but his client is getting impeached for leaning on the Ukrainian government to smear Joe Biden in exchange for foreign aid.
So naturally this crazy sumbitch is out there on Twitter confessing that Trump's concerns about corruption were only ever about Joe Biden and explicitly threatening to withhold American foreign aid if the Ukrainians don't investigate Trump's likely 2020 opponent.
Subtle! So much for the argument that Donald Trump has a deep-seated loathing of corruption in all its forms and seeks only to ensure that American tax dollars support strong civic government.
And Rudy sent the tweet FROM UKRAINE, where he's been holding a series of meetings with the most rancidly corrupt dregs from the former regime, which the Ukrainian people overwhelmingly just tossed out at the ballot box. It's truly amazing that a 75-year-old man whose main form of exercise appears to be philandering is still spry enough to kick himself in the dick all day long.
Maybe they'll release their report when committee chair Richard Burr is done spreading Russian propaganda for Donald Trump.
Look, it's more news you probably missed this week because there are too many newses!
But first, we need to do a quick review:
- Every journalist who has looked into spurious conspiracy theories that UKRAINE was the REAL COLLUSION in 2016 has found that it's bullshit. (Ken Vogel's New York Times piece on the Bidens and Ukraine was debunked within HOURS. Vogel's 2017 Politico piece, which started it all, and which Republicans referred to incessantly during the impeachment hearings, admitted that there was "little evidence of a top-down effort by Ukraine" to fuck with our election. Finally, John Solomon does not get to be included among "journalists," because that's not quite what he does for a living.)
- Donald Trump's first homeland security advisor, Tom Bossert, has specifically said that Trump's "Ukraine stoled the DNC server and buried it in the backyard" conspiracy theory is fully debunked horseshit, and expressed distress that people fill the president's brain with things like that. "It sticks in his mind when he hears it over and over again," said Bossert in September, confirming Trump is very stupid.
- Many impeachment witnesses, most notably Dr. Fiona Hill, who used to work for the Trump administration as the National Security Council's top Russia adviser, informed Congress that conspiracy theories about Ukraine meddling in the 2016 election are bullshit, and also Russian propaganda. Hill said this in her opening statement, right to Devin Nunes's face.
- Democratic lawyer Daniel Goldman repeatedly showed a slide during those hearings with a quote from a Vladimir Putin press conference in early 2017, where Putin can be seen personally planting the seeds of the conspiracy theory that it was Ukraine and not Russia that attacked our election in 2016, to help Hillary Clinton steal the election from herself.
- The intelligence community has specifically briefed the United States Senate and told them that shit is a Kremlin conspiracy theory, thereby strongly implying that Republicans like Senator John Kennedy and Devin Nunes and Rudy Giuliani and Donald Trump really need to STFU about it.
That's a pretty consistent and strong record.
But did you know that the GOP-led Senate Intelligence Committee has also studied the issue and made that same determination for itself? And that there is a report on that sitting at the office of the Director of National Intelligence that mysteriously hasn't been cleared for release, even though it is all finished?
WHOA IF TRUE! (It is true.)
You go, girl!
Hey, Devin Nunes! You want to know what a real defamation suit looks like? Check out this slander claim by Karen McDougal against Fox News after Russia-loving trust-fund baby Tucker Carlson falsely accused her of extortion on live television. It's amazing what a real lawyer can do with an actual, cognizable, non-frivolous claim! She doesn't even have to dream up a bullshit explanation to park the case in some random court in rural Virginia -- she just files it where the actual injury took place. There's not a cow in sight! AMAZING, right?
McDougal was one of the women who sold the story of her affair with Donald Trump to the National Enquirer in the run-up to the election, only to find that Enquirer owner David Pecker and his pet snake editor Dylan Howard had a side deal to sell the rights to Trump so he could make sure it never saw the light of day. And while we may question the judgment of a person who voluntarily chose to bump uglies with Trump, in no universe is this woman an extortionist.
Never stop f*cking that chicken.
At least OJ Simpson had the courtesy to wait until after the murder trial was over to write that book about how he would have murdered his ex-wife and her boyfriend IF HE DID IT. Rudy Giuliani is right this very minute, as the impeachment is ongoing, in Ukraine filming If Trump Colluded With Shady Ukrainians To Frame Joe Biden. Subtle!
Fox's first cousin (on all four sides!) One America News Network (OANN) has been filming a documentary with a bunch of corrupt prosecutors who got shitcanned by Ukrainian presidents Poroshenko and Zelenskyy for being dirrrrrrty. Apparently this heroic act of journalisming has been going on for some time and we never heard about it because THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW. Just ask VRY SRS investigative journalist Chanel Rion -- not her porn name, apparently! -- seen here conducting a "deposition."
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