Did Ol' Neckbeard lie to Congress? And is he under investigation for stealing from the Trump campaign?
SAD NEWS, everyone. The Trump campaign has been systematically deleting Brad Parscale's nasty gross neckbeard from its website, as if it was never there! The good news is that you are a lot less likely to get a hairball if you go to the Trump website now.
Meanwhile, Parscale has officially "resigned" from the Trump campaign, which is funny because from what we've heard, Parscale wasn't doing a whole lot of "work" for the campaign in the first place, even before they quit-fired him and gave his "campaign manager" position to some other idiot named Bill Stepien. Parscale seemed to be mostly hanging out in Florida and spending the Trump campaign's money on Ferraris and other baubles for himself. ALLEGEDLY.
You'll remember that this week started five years ago with an incident at Mr. Parscale's home, where the cops had to come out and respond to what was either somebody waving a gun threatening to kill himself, or possibly he was threatening to kill his wife, or maybe both. His wife, Candice Parscale, has now recanted what she told the cops about him abusing and threatening her. "He hits me," she told the cops on scene when asked about her bruises, but it is now "unclear." We hope she can safely get out and away from him.
Regardless, we all saw the video of a shirtless Parscale being manhandled to the ground by Florida cops, and noted how much worse that might have gone had Parscale been Black.
But there are some updates on what is really going on with Brad Parscale, why he might be going literally bugfuck right at this minute. And those updates are related to how the Trump campaign is also reportedly going literally bugfuck, because they're scared Old Dirty Neckbeard is going to cooperate with the authorities and spill Trump campaign secrets and crimes, ALLEGEDLY.
This is what a Russian asset looks like.
He was told.
The stupidest director of national intelligence in the entire history of America, John Ratcliffe, who used to be one of the stupidest GOP members of Congress, was told that he was releasing Russian propaganda/disinformation this week, when he — transparently for no other reason than to try to help Trump steal re-election — declassified a RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE ASSESSMENT that said back in 2016, Hillary Clinton had ordered her campaign to start a Russia witch hunt to, get this, distract from her emails.
See, Russian intelligence was "chattering" about how Hillary Clinton had hatched a nefarious campaign plan to somehow suggest that sweet, innocent Donald Trump might have some connections with Vladimir Putin, and maybe the Russian hack of the DNC. Why, she must have made it all up!
It's all part of the big large huge Trump campaign to absolve Russia of guilt for helping Trump steal his first election, while they're trying to bag another one for him in 2020.
Ratcliffe was told. He has zero excuse. Russian motherfuckin' dipshit intelligence asset, thy name is Director of National Intelligence John Ratcliffe.
And no, babies, before anybody whines, "Russian asset" doesn't necessarily mean they're a secret spy for Russia, though we won't rule out the possibility that Ratcliffe is such an easy mark that the Kremlin could have turned him just by promising to get him some surgery to make his face right-side up. It can just mean he's doing their bidding, even if he's too stupid to get it.
Sure, why not just release Russian intel chatter about Hillary Clinton? Surely they wouldn't lie!
Last week, Wonkette theorized an intelligent hypothesis, yes that is the first sentence of this post, that Wonkette THEORIZED AN INTELLIGENT HYPOTHESIS. Only downhill from here until the election, y'all.
Anyway, the intelligent hypothesis was that Attorney General Bill Barr has been so spitting mad at everything lately because he's trying to do everything he possibly can to help in the effort to steal the election for Donald Trump, but it's juuuuuuust noooooooot woooooorking. Zero people who matter respect him or believe anything he says, and we believe John Durham, the US attorney Barr deputized to 'VESTIGATE THE 'VESTIGATORS who looked into the Russian election attack of 2016, and Trump's collusion/conspiracy with that attack, ain't got shit for him.
Barr has desperately wanted Durham to find "evidence" to "prove" that the Russian attack was fake, or somehow lesser than we thought, and that the REAL crime was that Obama people did "wire tapps" to the Trump campaign. This is because Bill Barr is not only an authoritarian power-monger, but also because he is dumber than your right-wing Fox News-obsessed uncle, whom you hate.
Barr so badly wants the October Surprise to be himself hauling Obama People off in chains, but if Durham came to play that democracy-destroying game, we don't think it's working. Durham's top investigator quit the Justice Department, reportedly because of interference from Barr. Fox News's Maria Bartiromo reported this weekend that it's "unlikely" we'll see any arrests or Durham reports before the election. She swears it's gonna be real big, though, when Durham is finished! YOU BETCHA.
So what do deranged Trump people do in a situation like this, when the bottom is falling out and it looks like Joe Biden is going to beat Trump by a margin of "America" to "maybe three or four members of the Trump family"? You throw ALL THE SHIT at the wall, and you pray to your imaginary gods that something will stick. Anything.
That's how we're interpreting dumb dick Director of National Intelligence John Ratcliffe's behavior Tuesday, as he declassified unverified Russian chatter from 2016, what had Russian intelligence saying that actually Hillary Clinton invented the Deep State Russia Witch Hoax against Trump in her Pizzagate basement, in order to distract from her Hotmail account.
Wonkette has a theory about why Hillary Clinton's name is part of Durham's investigation.
What in the hell is John Durham investigating now?
He was tasked by Attorney General Bill Barr to 'VESTIGATE THE 'VESTIGATORS to "prove" that the FBI's Trump-Russia investigation was a highly improper witch hunt. You know, even though the IG of the Justice Department looked at the issue in every which way and found that it, you know, wasn't. As Wonkette wrote at the time, the IG found that "There was no Deep State plot against Trump, the Russia investigation was opened for completely correct and non-politically-biased reasons, spying did not occur, Bill Barr, and aside from a few fuckups with Carter Page's FISA applications, everything was on the up-and-up."
All finished, right? Nope, Bill Barr is trying to make an October Surprise happen for Trump, to haul some Obama People out in chains because of how they did WITCH HUNT, and if the damn IG won't make some shit up, he's hoping US Attorney John Durham will.
We have a theory, by the way, that this effort is going poorly. We think that's part of why Barr has been so viscerally angry at the FBI and Justice Department lately. Remember how Durham's top investigator just up and quit, reportedly because of interference from Barr?
The New York Times has a report today on just exactly what the hell Durham is investigating, and it seems weird until you remember that Barr's big goal here is to gin up some bullshit to PROVE that the FBI treated Trump differently, in some inappropriate way. And he'd just love for Durham to find/make up some "evidence" that the FBI treated Hillary Clinton with kid gloves, while doing a Deep State coup to Trump.