2020 presidential election

Trump Campaign Tired Of Winning, Coughs Up Brad Parscale's Neckbeard

No chaos! No chaos! You're the chaos!

Last night Donald Trump made it official, removing Brad Parscale as his campaign manager after weeks of rumors that he'd fallen out of favor with the Trump family and was phoning it in—literally—from Florida. You won't have Ol' Chin Pubes to kick around anymore. Or, you will, but he'll just be Chief Digital Bro now, not campaign manager.

"I am pleased to announce that Bill Stepien has been promoted to the role of Trump Campaign Manager," Trump tweeted when the blue checks finally got out of Twitter jail last night. "Brad Parscale, who has been with me for a very long time and has led our tremendous digital and data strategies, will remain in that role, while being a Senior Advisor to the campaign."

Honestly, it's amazing that it took this long. Trump had cycled through multiple campaign managers by this time in 2016. But the night is still young, and the polls are still dire, so ... hang in there Corey Lewandowski!

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polls

One America News Georgia Poll Is Bad, Should Feel Bad

How to make a bad poll in just 486 easy steps!

With Fox News and Rasmussen both showing Donald Trump down by double digits, the president has taken to scream-tweeting about "Fake Suppression Polls," unlike his "VERY GOOD internal Polling Numbers," which he won't be sharing with you, so don't even ask. Luckily, Trump's favorite off-brand Fox News substitute, the One America News Network (OANN), has cooked up some polls in swing states to please the sad MAGA man.

Faced with the daunting task of showing Trump winning bigly, OANN has started polling swing states like North Carolina, Arizona, and most recently Georgia. You already know these polls are junk. But let's reach up the ass end of that Georgia poll and see exactly what went wrong.

First Order of Business: Check the Survey Method

According to OANN, "The survey was collected from respondents using interactive voice responses and an online panel of cell phone users." What the hell does that mean? A good pollster will aim for 50 percent landline and 50 percent cell phone respondents, usually live callers only. Presumably, the Gravis polling company conducted its survey by calling and texting people, but we have no way of knowing. Was it cellphones? Landlines? Text? Twitter poll? That sentence of gibberish could mean a lot of different things.

Second Order of Business: Sample Size

Any good poll, will sample about 800-1500 people, depending on the state. The OANN poll sampled 513 likely voters, off to a great start.

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Tech

Advertisers Dumping Facebook Like A Common Myspace

Social network loses $60 billion from Zuckerberg’s cigar-lighting fund.

Shares in Facebook dropped one percent on Monday, following a 8.3 percent slide on Friday after several companies announced they were boycotting the social network. The two-day stock decline erased $60 billion in Facebook's total market value. As the guy in a cowboy hat says in every movie set in a casino, “You win some, you lose some."

Most businesses avoid giving companies a moral standing to cut and run, but Facebook has remained defiantly obtuse regarding the spread of misinformation and hate speech on its platform. Now major corporations such as Starbucks, PepsiCo, Coca-Cola, Diageo, Unilever, Levi's, and Verizon all want out.

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justice department

Turns Out Bill Barr's Been Ratf*cking SDNY From The Jump. Yeah, Don't Faint.

Slimy sumbitch!

Holy Tarmac, Batman! After Bill Barr's spectacularly botched attempt to ratfuck the DOJ branch in the Southern District of New York last weekend, that office has started leaking. Who could have seen it coming? Turns out that about five minutes after being sworn in, the attorney general marched into SDNY and demanded to see all the files related to Donald Trump and his associates. You know, in the interests of justice.

Barr's first order of business was to see if he couldn't figure out some way to keep Donald Trump's former lawyer Michael Cohen out of the hoosegow. Cohen had already pled guilty to violating campaign finance law at the direction of "Individual 1," AKA that rancid, orange couch potato tweeting all day in the Oval Office, and was facing a three year stretch at FCI Otisville.

According to the New York Times, the newly confirmed AG spent weeks grilling prosecutors about their decision to charge Cohen, even going so far as to order them "to draft a memo outlining legal arguments that could have raised questions about Mr. Cohen's conviction and undercut similar prosecutions in the future." Just in case some other presidential candidate got his lawyer to pony up $130,000 to pay off a porn star to keep quiet about their affair, failed to disclose the debt, and then hid the repayment in his business accounts as a legal "retainer." It could happen!

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