2020 presidential election
Trump Campaign Tired Of Winning, Coughs Up Brad Parscale's Neckbeard
No chaos! No chaos! You're the chaos!
July 16, 2020 11:32 AM
Last night Donald Trump made it official, removing Brad Parscale as his campaign manager after weeks of rumors that he'd fallen out of favor with the Trump family and was phoning it in—literally—from Florida. You won't have Ol' Chin Pubes to kick around anymore. Or, you will, but he'll just be Chief Digital Bro now, not campaign manager.
"I am pleased to announce that Bill Stepien has been promoted to the role of Trump Campaign Manager," Trump tweeted when the blue checks finally got out of Twitter jail last night. "Brad Parscale, who has been with me for a very long time and has led our tremendous digital and data strategies, will remain in that role, while being a Senior Advisor to the campaign."
Honestly, it's amazing that it took this long. Trump had cycled through multiple campaign managers by this time in 2016. But the night is still young, and the polls are still dire, so ... hang in there Corey Lewandowski!
<p>Yesterday before the news broke, <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2020/07/13/politics/trump-rallies-tulsa-fallout-election-coronavirus/index.html" target="_blank">CNN</a> reported that Parscale was on the outs with Trump himself.</p><p>"It's very clear that when Brad offers a position, Trump decides to be against it," one adviser told CNN, while a donor expressed the opinion that "I think a lot of folks would feel more comfortable with someone who's actually run a campaign before." And that's exactly who they're getting with Bill Stepien, who has been <em>de facto</em> in charge of the operation for weeks now.</p><p>Stepien is a longtime GOP operative, who came out of New Jersey politics and worked on the presidential campaigns of George W. Bush, John McCain, and Rudy Giuliani. He was <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/chris-christie-takes-full-responsibility-for-underlings-terrible-vengeful-bullying" target="_blank">ousted</a> from Governor Chris Christie's administration in the Bridgegate scandal, but never left Republican politics. Stepien's roles with the Trump 2016 campaign and in the Trump White House have made him a trusted figure in the Dear Leader's orbit, and yesterday the president invited him to the Oval Office to offer him the job. Parscale got <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2020/07/15/us/politics/trump-campaign-brad-parscale.html" target="_blank">shivved by Kushner</a>, because Trump is a cowardly little weenus who doesn't like to do things like that himself. </p><p>Unlike Parscale, Stepien isn't some <a href="https://www.propublica.org/article/the-myths-of-the-genius-behind-trumps-reelection-campaign" target="_blank">hustler</a> who emerged from obscurity five years ago by attaching himself to the Trump family and setting up a <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/trump-campaign-managers-company-working-for-trump-pac-no-collusion" target="_blank">bunch of LLCs</a> so he can buy another Ferrari, <em>allegedly</em>. He fundamentally understands how a normal campaign is supposed to function. </p><p>Which is not the same as saying he can turn this Trump turd into a diamond. We're only three and a half months out, Trump's poll numbers are <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/goya-marketing-director-losing-bad-in-polls-to-joe-biden" target="_blank">circling the drain</a>, and coronavirus has not disappeared "like magic." That dipshit can tweet, "I look forward to having a big and very important second win together. This one should be a lot easier as our poll numbers are rising fast, the economy is getting better, vaccines and therapeutics will soon be on the way, and Americans want safe streets and communities!" But 1,413 Americans succumbed to COVID and another 65,370 new infections were reported <em>yesterday</em>. No one knows what the hell is going to happen next month, but Israel bet on kids being weak vectors and opened schools before getting community spread under control, and they're <a href="https://www.israelhayom.com/2020/07/16/pm-convenes-emergency-corona-cabinet-meeting-as-infection-tally-spikes/" target="_blank">about to go back</a> into nationwide shutdown. The best campaign operative in the world can't change the reality that this country is in deep shit.</p><p>Among the Trump donor class, though, expectations for Stepien are high. GOP megadonor Doug Deason <a href="https://www.wsj.com/articles/trump-replaces-campaign-manager-11594861502" target="_blank">told</a> the <em>Wall Street Journal</em> that he hopes the new campaign manager will be able to rein in Trump's batshit Twitter feed, perhaps with a "fact checking team."</p><p>"I love most of his tweets, but some have been pretty far out there lately, and others make pointless attacks," he told the <em>Journal.</em></p><p>LOL, good luck with that one, buddy. </p><p>In summary and in conclusion, Trump is demented, Jared Kushner's boundless ego is the real campaign manager, and the economy is fucked. But now they've made a seasoned professional the titular captain of the Trump-tanic, and that iceberg doesn't stand a chance!</p><p>[<a href="https://www.cnn.com/2020/07/13/politics/trump-rallies-tulsa-fallout-election-coronavirus/index.html" target="_blank">CNN</a> / <a href="https://www.wsj.com/articles/trump-replaces-campaign-manager-11594861502" target="_blank">WSJ</a>]</p><p><strong>Follow Liz Dye on Twitter <a href="https://twitter.com/5DollarFeminist" target="_blank">RIGHT HERE!</a></strong></p><p><strong>Please click here to support your Wonkette. And if you're ordering your quarantine goods on Amazon, <a href="https://amzn.to/2wbH77j" target="_blank">this is the link to do it.</a></strong></p><p></p><form name="donation" method="post" class="donation-form"><p class="subheadline">How often would you like to donate?</p><div class="form-row row--plan"><label class="plan-type__label"><input type="radio" name="plan_type" value="once" class="plan-type" required="" checked> Just once
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polls
One America News Georgia Poll Is Bad, Should Feel Bad
How to make a bad poll in just 486 easy steps!
July 13, 2020 11:35 AM
With Fox News and Rasmussen both showing Donald Trump down by double digits, the president has taken to scream-tweeting about "Fake Suppression Polls," unlike his "VERY GOOD internal Polling Numbers," which he won't be sharing with you, so don't even ask. Luckily, Trump's favorite off-brand Fox News substitute, the One America News Network (OANN), has cooked up some polls in swing states to please the sad MAGA man.
Faced with the daunting task of showing Trump winning bigly, OANN has started polling swing states like North Carolina, Arizona, and most recently Georgia. You already know these polls are junk. But let's reach up the ass end of that Georgia poll and see exactly what went wrong.
First Order of Business: Check the Survey Method
According to OANN, "The survey was collected from respondents using interactive voice responses and an online panel of cell phone users." What the hell does that mean? A good pollster will aim for 50 percent landline and 50 percent cell phone respondents, usually live callers only. Presumably, the Gravis polling company conducted its survey by calling and texting people, but we have no way of knowing. Was it cellphones? Landlines? Text? Twitter poll? That sentence of gibberish could mean a lot of different things.
Second Order of Business: Sample Size
Any good poll, will sample about 800-1500 people, depending on the state. The OANN poll sampled 513 likely voters, off to a great start.
<h2>Third Order: Weighting</h2><p>
All pollsters weight their results for demographics because the cohort of people willing to answer the phone and donate ten minutes of their time to a random stranger is likely not representative of the electorate generally. But this is OANN, the "news" people who took time out of a White House press briefing to ask if <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/trumps-daily-coronavirus-bullsh-t-or-who-or-what-is-a-chanel-rion" target="_blank">Chinese food was racist</a>. If there's fuckery here, it's probably in how they weighted the results. And <em>what a coincidence</em>, they didn't tell us how they weighted the demographics. Could their baseline be 2016? It's probably not 2018, since the GOP got blown out then and GOP Georgia Governor Brian Kemp almost lost. (Probably <em>did</em> lose, if everybody had been able to vote and have their votes counted, but that's another post.)</p><p>
Okay, let's check out the actual numbers and see if we can see what they did here.
</p><h2>Crosstabs: Let's Talk About Race</h2><p>
Let's give Gravis credit here, because its top line result is very reasonable. If Trump won Georgia by three, no one would be surprised. But let's look a little closer at these horseshit crosstabs. </p><p><img src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/PI3bOBZ68TsqJifvm9CPnKdkn4VKi0HA0RvqsKIX8EsPpv8faqsVTNjMio1JMTSblEo8gbBz327H3T0ow-B2Yl8Gaa2n1WMkUX_PLBsOyxZLtUketwWaW1wu5lnWMbrsav__hi5f">
</p><p>
Okay, sure, it's <em>possible</em> Trump could get 12 percent of the Black vote in Georgia. He got <a href="https://www.cnn.com/election/2016/results/exit-polls/georgia/president" target="_blank">nine percent</a> last time and is doing <a href="https://www.blackenterprise.com/trumps-approval-rating-with-black-voters-may-be-higher-than-you-thought/" target="_blank">better</a> nationally than in 2016 with African Americans. That said, 12 percent seems implausible, particularly in light of the ongoing protests against police violence.
</p><h2>WTF Is Going On With the Asian-American Vote?</h2><p>According to OANN, 21.6 percent of Asians prefer Trump, 20.6 percent like Biden, and almost a whopping <em>58 percent</em> are uncertain. WTF? You have seven percent of African Americans, 19 percent of Hispanics, and six percent of whites undecided, but only 41 percent of Asian Americans have made up their minds? Come on!</p><p>Nationally, Asian-American voters are becoming increasingly Democratic. Two-thirds of Asian-Americans supported Clinton in 2016, and <a href="https://www.cnn.com/election/2018/exit-polls" target="_blank">77 percent</a> backed down-ballot Democrats in 2016. This ain't 1992 — the Republican candidate won't win Asian Americans.</p><h2>Trump Making Big Inroads With Hispanics, You Bet!</h2><p>
According to OANN, 36 percent of Latinos back Trump for re-election, an 11 point increase since 2016. Donald Trump has made some <a href="https://www.vox.com/2020/7/2/21308487/latino-hispanic-vote-trump-biden" target="_blank">progress</a> with Hispanic voters nationally, so perhaps he could get to 32 or maybe 33 percent in Georgia. But 36 percent is unrealistic, as is the 19 percent who are undecided. Joe Biden, who doesn't spend half his day shitting on immigrants, will probably win at least 60 percent of the Latino vote.</p><h2>But When It Comes to White People ...</h2><p>
I have no issues with the white vote here. Seems like a very good representation of where Georgia's melanin-challenged population is at right now. Good job, OANN!</p><h2>Age Is Just a Number, But It's a Pretty Important One</h2><p>What the hell is going on with that 18-29 number? According to OANN, Trump has 18 percent support with young voters, Biden is at 54, and a full 28 percent are undecided. Trump is at <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/marleycoyne/2020/06/18/following-trumps-protest-antics-young-voters-turn-hard-against-him-according-to-exclusive-new-poll/#68b2434a363d" target="_blank">31 percent</a> with young people nationally, but can't crack 20 percent in Republican-leaning Georgia? Meanwhile, Clinton took 63 percent of millennials in 2016, but OANN wants us to believe Biden is doing nine points worse? That's just straight bullshit.</p><p>The 30-49 numbers are no better. Trump 57, and Biden 35? What the fuck? OANN says they weighted for voter demographics, but unless they weighted based on the 30-44 crowd in Wyoming, these results don't make any sense. In 2016, this vote went for Hillary <a href="Trump%2057-%20Biden%2035.%20What%20the%20fuck" target="_blank">51-44</a> in Georgia. Apparently there has been a fundamental shift in this crowd between 2016 and 2020 and only OANN noticed it.</p><p>
And speaking of fundamental shifts in the electorate, if Biden really is winning the 50-64 crowd by 10 points as OANN predicts, then Trump is in deep shit. For comparison, <a href="https://static.foxnews.com/foxnews.com/content/uploads/2020/06/Fox_June-20-23-2020_Complete_Georgia_Topline_June-25-Release.pdf" target="_blank">Fox</a> has Trump leading by 11 points with Georgia voters over 45. In 2016, he won this cohort 57-41, and in 2018 Brian Kemp's margin was 57-42. If OANN's numbers were right, Trump would lose Georgia in a landslide.</p><p>
The senior vote number isn't too bad, though. It looks like a reasonable snapshot of where Georgia seniors are right now. OANN gets its second gold star!</p><h2>Gender</h2><p>
The splits by gender are horseshit, too. In 2016 Trump was at 60 percent with men in Georgia, and 43 percent with women. According to OANN, those numbers are at 54 and 42 percent today, meaning Trump became eight points less popular with men and one point less popular with women. Leave aside that suburban women have been abandoning the GOP in droves. There is no way in hell Trump can carry Georgia by three percent if his margin with men is down to just 15 points. That would probably lead to a Biden victory in the four to five point range.</p><h2>And so on!</h2><p>
There aren't enough pixels in the world to go through every goofy thing about this poll, so here are some of the highlights:
</p><ul class="ee-ul">
<li>GOP Senators David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler are getting 20 percent of the black vote;</li>
<li>Trump has a 25 percent approval rating among African Americans, 51 percent approval rating among Asian-Americans, and a 62 percent approval among Hispanics;</li>
<li>Brian Kemp has a 48 percent approval rating among African Americans, 71 percent approval rating among Asian-Americans (with none strongly disapproving), and a 77 percent approval rating among Hispanics;</li>
<li> Kelly Loeffler has a 40 percent approval among African Americans;</li>
<li>Asked about voting behavior in 2016, 78 percent of African-American respondents in this poll voted for Hillary Clinton, as opposed to 11 percent who voted for Trump (she won them 89-9);</li>
<li>Hispanic participants in this poll? 31-30 for Trump in 2016 (actual results were 67-27 Hillary in 2016);</li>
<li>In 2016, 16 percent of Hispanic respondents in this poll supported Gary Johnson, and 14 percent supported Jill Stein. (In the actual election, six percent supported Gary Johnson, and there wasn't enough data on Jill Stein's vote);</li>
<li>In 2016, white respondents to their poll say they backed Trump 65-25. (they backed him 75-21);</li>
<li>There is no question about Trump's handling of coronavirus or race relations;</li>
<li>There is no crosstab asking about religion. (I want to know what Georgian Jews think of Trump.) </li>
</ul><p>
Polling is never an exact science, and it's really hard. But Gravis Marketing and OANN <em>disrespect the profession</em> when they put out shit like this. </p><p>But we guess their job is just to make Trump feel better, so ... </p><p>[<a href="https://www.scribd.com/document/468898889/Oann-Gravis-Georgia#download" target="_blank">OANN Georgia Poll</a> / <a href="https://www.cnn.com/election/2016/results/exit-polls/georgia/president" target="_blank">CNN Exit Polls 2016</a>]<br></p><p><strong>Follow me on Twitter at <a href="https://twitter.com/TheDataGoon" target="_blank">@TheDataGoon</a>!</strong></p><p><strong>Click <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/st/Subscriptions" target="_blank">here</a> to support your Wonkette.</strong></p><p></p><form name="donation" method="post" class="donation-form"><p class="subheadline">How often would you like to donate?</p><div class="form-row row--plan"><label class="plan-type__label"><input type="radio" name="plan_type" value="once" class="plan-type" required="" checked> Just once
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Tech
Advertisers Dumping Facebook Like A Common Myspace
Social network loses $60 billion from Zuckerberg’s cigar-lighting fund.
June 29, 2020 03:30 PM
Shares in Facebook dropped one percent on Monday, following a 8.3 percent slide on Friday after several companies announced they were boycotting the social network. The two-day stock decline erased $60 billion in Facebook's total market value. As the guy in a cowboy hat says in every movie set in a casino, “You win some, you lose some."
Most businesses avoid giving companies a moral standing to cut and run, but Facebook has remained defiantly obtuse regarding the spread of misinformation and hate speech on its platform. Now major corporations such as Starbucks, PepsiCo, Coca-Cola, Diageo, Unilever, Levi's, and Verizon all want out.
Facebook must take actions to stop misinformation and hate speech on its platforms. It is an unacceptable affront t… https://t.co/unHBKHZaP8— Levi's® (@Levi's®)1593216887.0
<p>The #StopHateForProfit boycott campaign impacts all social media companies, but Facebook is in the deepest shit because it hasn't even tried to slow the spread of hateful garbage and outright lies. Twitter at least <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2020/06/23/twitter-slaps-another-warning-label-trump-tweet-about-force/" target="_blank">slaps a metaphorical mask</a> on some of Donald Trump's most egregious tweets. </p><p>Facebook obviously has more than a few dozen advertisers. (It's closer to eight million.) According to BMO Capital Markets analyst Daniel Salmon, the boycott won't harm Facebook long term. There's arguably a "bigger impact" if Facebook actually cleaned up its act. It's like the famous “recall or not recall?" formula from <em>Fight Club</em>.</p><p class="shortcode-media shortcode-media-youtube">
<span style="display:block;position:relative;padding-top:56.25%;" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="bc453eb6beab22cb52188d6a3db20157"><iframe type="lazy-iframe" data-runner-src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/SiB8GVMNJkE?rel=0" width="100%" height="auto" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" style="position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;"></iframe></span>
<small class="image-media media-caption" placeholder="Add Photo Caption...">Fight Club - The Recall Coordinator's Formula</small>
<small class="image-media media-photo-credit" placeholder="Add Photo Credit...">
<a href="https://youtu.be/SiB8GVMNJkE" target="_blank">youtu.be</a>
</small>
</p><p>Friday, Mark Zuckerberg <a href="https://techcrunch.com/2020/06/26/as-advertisers-revolt-facebook-commits-to-flagging-newsworthy-political-speech-that-violates-policy/?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAK0XdFle6EhpV_vbhBBostcWDULMX7o42m3Sff8Ce92S5xW4YXSIW13rnhWMWLUEDRnFt4EY-6iZN1zyKGb0CpT0uKo8rq5KEc9o79zK6z-G34iyq9tm1MDbPoi84zpLQCkTUpbRel0_pzdKgs5FUw854Rh3x808MpVNRPLjSLlt" target="_blank">announced</a> that Facebook will take some bare-ass minimum measures against misinformation. The platform will leave up lies but just flag them as “newsworthy" because unfiltered libel is apparently “newsworthy."<br></p><blockquote>A handful of times a year, we leave up content that would otherwise violate our policies if the public interest value outweighs the risk of harm. Often, seeing speech from politicians is in the public interest, and in <strong>the same way that news outlets will report what a politician says,</strong> we think people should generally be able to see it for themselves on our platforms.</blockquote><p>Oh, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plqxShaqFcI" target="_blank">fuck you.</a> Maybe Zuck's parents toilet trained him with copies of the <em>Weekly World News</em>, but respectable publications don't just uncritically “report what a politician says." </p><blockquote>We will soon start labeling some of the content we leave up because it is deemed newsworthy, so people can know when this is the case. We'll allow people to share this content to condemn it, just like we do with other problematic content, because this is an important part of how we discuss what's acceptable in our society — but we'll add a prompt to tell people that the content they're sharing may violate our policies.</blockquote><p>Dummies who trade their cows for magic beans aren't this naive. There is zero evidence that most people glom onto hateful, incendiary content so they can righteously “condemn it." No, you roll your eyes when your Nana shares racist screeds about “black-on-black crime" because she believes the propaganda. </p><p>Facebook generates revenue from user engagement -- good or bad -- and Zuckerberg will gladly keep feeding the beast. During his <em><a href="https://youtu.be/h2_Em3_Y8D0" target="_blank">Live on the Sunset Strip</a></em> concert, Richard Pryor said he'd gotten so fucked up at one point that even cocaine dealers felt bad about selling him more shit. Zuckerberg has no such qualms, apparently. “Trump says voting will give you COVID-19? Let the people decide what's true," he seems to be saying.</p><p>Joe Scarborough offered a <a href="https://twitter.com/donie/status/1273211180031639553?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1273211180031639553%7Ctwgr%5E&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.wonkette.com%2Fr%2Fentryeditor%2F2646290476publish" target="_blank">scathing indictment</a> recently of Zuckerberg and Facebook's Lean-In Specialist Sheryl Sandberg, saying they care more about "protecting their billions" than they care about the "protection of 75-year-old men who were brutalized in a march for black justice, more than the protection of American democracy." The implication that two Jewish billionaires are willingly destroying the world for profit is gross.</p><p>It's much fairer to take Zuckerberg at face value and believe he's sincere when he talks about the <a href="https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2020/05/facebook-public-square/" target="_blank">digital square,</a> but that just means he's just in over his head.</p><p>And like the scientists in <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRNX6XJOeGU" target="_blank"><em>Jurassic Park</em>,</a> he never considered whether he should've created this monster in the first place.</p><p>[<a href="https://markets.businessinsider.com/news/stocks/facebook-stock-price-reaction-advertisers-halt-social-media-spending-2020-6-1029350644" target="_blank">Business Insider</a> / <a href="https://techcrunch.com/2020/06/26/as-advertisers-revolt-facebook-commits-to-flagging-newsworthy-political-speech-that-violates-policy/?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAK0XdFle6EhpV_vbhBBostcWDULMX7o42m3Sff8Ce92S5xW4YXSIW13rnhWMWLUEDRnFt4EY-6iZN1zyKGb0CpT0uKo8rq5KEc9o79zK6z-G34iyq9tm1MDbPoi84zpLQCkTUpbRel0_pzdKgs5FUw854Rh3x808MpVNRPLjSLlt" target="_blank">Tech Crunch</a>]<br></p><p><em>Follow Stephen Robinson on </em><em><a href="https://twitter.com/SER1897" target="_blank">Twitter.</a></em><br></p><p><a href="https://amzn.to/33mKzZe" target="_blank">Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons</a>.</p><p><strong>Yr Wonkette is 100 percent ad free and entirely supported entirely by reader donations. 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justice department
Turns Out Bill Barr's Been Ratf*cking SDNY From The Jump. Yeah, Don't Faint.
Slimy sumbitch!
June 26, 2020 10:00 AM
Holy Tarmac, Batman! After Bill Barr's spectacularly botched attempt to ratfuck the DOJ branch in the Southern District of New York last weekend, that office has started leaking. Who could have seen it coming? Turns out that about five minutes after being sworn in, the attorney general marched into SDNY and demanded to see all the files related to Donald Trump and his associates. You know, in the interests of justice.
Barr's first order of business was to see if he couldn't figure out some way to keep Donald Trump's former lawyer Michael Cohen out of the hoosegow. Cohen had already pled guilty to violating campaign finance law at the direction of "Individual 1," AKA that rancid, orange couch potato tweeting all day in the Oval Office, and was facing a three year stretch at FCI Otisville.
According to the New York Times, the newly confirmed AG spent weeks grilling prosecutors about their decision to charge Cohen, even going so far as to order them "to draft a memo outlining legal arguments that could have raised questions about Mr. Cohen's conviction and undercut similar prosecutions in the future." Just in case some other presidential candidate got his lawyer to pony up $130,000 to pay off a porn star to keep quiet about their affair, failed to disclose the debt, and then hid the repayment in his business accounts as a legal "retainer." It could happen!
<p>With Cohen already sentenced (unlike Michael Flynn!), there wasn't much Barr could do to unwind the case. But the <em>Times</em> notes that the Justice Department closed the investigation in July of 2019 without charging any Trump Organization executives with lying to the FBI. Which is <em>interesting</em> in light of reporting at the time that "Executive 1," AKA <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/okay-who-the-f-ck-is-allen-weisselberg" target="_self"></a>Trump's consigliere/accountant, greenlighted those "retainer" payments to Michael Cohen, some of which had Don "Failson" Jr.'s signature on them. And <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/okay-who-the-f-ck-is-allen-weisselberg" target="_blank">Allen Weisselberg</a> is alleged to have structured the whole deal to compensate Cohen for his tax liability by <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/rudy-giuliani-confesses-to-fifty-impossible-trump-crimes-before-breakfast" target="_blank">"grossing it up"</a> to 12 easy payments of $35,000. Lucky for them Attorney General Barr was on the case to make sure nothing untoward happened, huh? Unluckily, New York's Attorney General Letitia James is not inclined let accounting bygones be bygones.</p><p>Barr has already gotten caught with his flaccid little billy <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/bill-barr-breaks-the-justice-department" target="_blank">in the cookie jar</a> on the Roger Stone and Michael Flynn investigations. But according to the Unitary GOP Executive Theory, in which a Republican president has unlimited power to direct the Justice Department to prosecute his enemies and go easy on his friends, <em>this is totally fine</em>. Offer not valid for Democratic presidents unmasking traitors who undermine US sanctions policy against hostile powers who attack our elections! In that case, it is LOCK HER UP.</p><p>The <em>Times</em> reports that the Cohen case wasn't the only one Barr took an interest in. Our fearless AG has helped himself to a front row seat for the investigations of Trump's chucklefucker buddies Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, who <em>did</em> get indicted, and Trump's personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani, who <em>didn't</em>. The <em>Times</em> and The Daily Beast have both reported that the grand jury investigating <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/hey-crazy-racist-asshole-who-used-to-be-nyc-mayor-kindly-go-f-k-yourself" target="_blank">Crazy Racist Uncle Rudes</a> for violating foreign lobbying laws has been shut down for COVID, but let's speculate wildly here that Bill Barr will allow SDNY to indict Rudy ... NEVER. </p><p>When it comes to launching probes of the FBI for doing RUSSIA HOAX FRAMES to Michael Flynn, though, Deputy Dawg's got all the time in the world.</p><p>Hey, remember that time Loretta Lynch recused herself from the Hillary Clinton email investigation — an investigation which Barr <em></em>just tapped out on in <em>October of 2019</em> — after having a brief discussion about her grandkids on the tarmac with Bill Clinton? Remember how Republicans spent the last three years pretending that their chat proved that the FBI was totally BIASSSS, and thus it was UNLEGAL to investigate the Trump campaign's bumbling attempts to coordinate with Russian hackers to steal the election? </p><p>Apparently it is totally fine to fix FBI investigations to benefit the president's allies. <em>But only if you're a Republican.</em></p><p>[<a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/25/nyregion/geoffrey-berman-william-barr-michael-cohen.html" target="_blank">NYT</a>]</p><p><span></span><strong>Follow Liz Dye on Twitter <a href="https://twitter.com/5DollarFeminist" target="_blank">RIGHT HERE!</a></strong></p><p><strong>Please click here to support your Wonkette. And if you're ordering your quarantine goods on Amazon, <a href="https://amzn.to/2wbH77j" target="_blank">this is the link to do it.</a></strong></p><p></p><form name="donation" method="post" class="donation-form"><p class="subheadline">How often would you like to donate?</p><div class="form-row row--plan"><label class="plan-type__label"><input type="radio" name="plan_type" value="once" class="plan-type" required="" checked> Just once
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