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Elections

Oh, Just Some Bannon Pals Trying To Pay A Lawyer To Lie About His Roy Moore-Accusin' Client, No Big

Supporters of Roy Moore tried to pay someone to make a false claim, and Breitbart was there? We are shocked, shocked.

Funny how these things happen!

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News

Happy 78th Birthday, Nancy Pelosi! Your Present Won't Be Here Until November But It Is This Gavel

Let's end our day by recognizing Nancy Pelosi as the badass she is.

Winner

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Elections

Don't Watch, Just Read The Top Seven Fuckbonkers Things Donald Trump Said In Pennsylvania!

But what has Pennsylvania done to deserve this?!?

Let's talk about MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

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Science

Now #Teens Gonna Save The Climate, Earth. WHAT CAN'T THEY DO!!!

The kids are more than all right. They're getting the adults' butts in gear.

Kids these days... are organizing.

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Elections

PA Governor Tom Wolf Tells The GOP Mapfuckers To Get Fucked

Gerrymandering! Have we mentioned this stuff is BAD?

The Pennsylvania GOP has chutzpah! (For those of you who didn't grow up in Bageltown, that means they have SOME NERVE.) The classic definition of chutzpah is a guy who murders his parents and then begs the court to take pity on him for being an orphan. Which is apt considering Pennsylvania Republicans have murdered elections with gerrymandering for the past decade, and are now stomping up and down at the unfairness of having to draw fair electoral districts. They spent a lot of time ratfucking those maps to ensure they'd get 70 percent of the seats with only 50 percent of the vote, and they don't intend to give it up without a fight. CHUTZPAH!

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News

The Series Finale Of The Devin Nunes Show. Wonkagenda For Fri., Feb. 2, 2018

Trump worried Devin Nunes Show will get canceled, Diplomats running from Foggy Bottom, and Mike Pompeo meets Russian spy chiefs (no biggie). Your morning news brief!

Okay, Wonketariat, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's COOOOOLD out there today! Here's some of the things we may be talking about, but first, CROWNED LEMUR BABIES!
Trump is expected to approve the release of THE MEMO, then bounce the decision back to Devin Nunes and the House Intel Committee so Republicans can continue dragging their collective asses all over the carpet.

Deep within the halls of Trump's White House people are worried that Devin Nunes's Russian tragicomedy will flop now that the audience is losing interest.

The story behind THE MEMO is a winding ass-backwards road that leads to THE DOSSIER, and it all starts at Devin Nunes and his staff.

This morning Trump tweeted a thing about how the FBI isn't totally corrupt, it's just the leftist boy scouts at the top, or whatever.

DJTJ took to Twitter yesterday afternoon to potentially implicate himself in an obstruction of justice charge by blithering about how Andrew McCabe was "You're Fired" over THE MEMO.

Three lawyers for Paul Manafort's partner in Not American crime, Rick Gates, "You're Fired" themselves, suggesting that Gates is rolling over on Donald Trump and begging for clemency to Robert Mueller.

Trump talks to Sean Hannity late into the night, gossiping about Her Emails and other tinfoil hat conspiracies, with some White House officials joking that Hannity is "senior counselor to the president."

Dame Peggington is still awash in the afterglow of Trump's Reaganesque SOTU, even if the sullen "Draculaic" Democrats sat slumped in the shadows, running only on the commie fuel of the poors, hoping that Robert Mueller's "Ahabs" will catch their fat, white whale. [Archive]

The Mooch is talking again in a desperate attempt to repair his reputation, and this interview is everything you'd expect, including "Berserkazoid Craziness," and "Fucking Sith Lords."

Mike Pence LOVES the Jews because they're pawns who will help him kick start the apocalypse and reawaken Cthulhu-Christ.

Sorry, servers, the Labor Department killed the study that showed letting restaurants pool tips was gonna pick your pocket! What you don't know can't hurt you.

Mike Pompeo is pissed off that anyone would think he was doing dirty deeds last week when he met with three Russian spy chiefs in DC.

As Republicans gather in the woods to kvetch, plot and scheme this weekend, Donald Trump reminded them that he's "tremendous," Nancy Pelosi is a bitch, and that Orrin Hatch once said his is the only presidential dick he'd ever suck.

Even though some of them are trying to jump off the Trump Train, most Republicans love Donald Trump as much, or more, than St. Ronnie Reagan. He is, after all, making (some of) them shitloads of money.

Mittens is getting ready to announce his Senate run now that he's gained the support of his family and a shitload of donors.

The State Department's top career diplomat is retiring, and now the DEEP STATE is freaking out over what will happen in all the shithole countries now that even MORE State Department leadership is running from Foggy Bottom.

Those damn, dirty Democrats LIED when they said they spent $1 million to defeat the Bible thumping racist and ALLEGED pedophile Roy Moore; most of that money was raised directly via micro donations for Sen. Doug Jones. IMPEACH!

The price of avocado toast is about to skyrocket (again) as California farmers struggle to harvest crops due to the deportation of migrant workers. No joke, farmers are even offering salaries, PTO, and 401(k) plans in an attempt to attract people to do dirty jobs.

An anti-gun taskforce in Baltimore is accused of running a complicated hustle that involved shaking down street level dealers, planting fake guns, stealing drugs and cash, stalking, and robbery while charging the city for hundreds of thousands of hours in overtime. Charm City cops, just doing what they do best.

Former sheriff and racist fellon Joe Arpaio is denying that he's an anti-semite after he gave his FIFTH INTERVIEW to a Jew hatin' rag in four years. A spokesman said Arpaio "doesn’t do background checks."

Bad hombres in Not America are using Bitcoin to skirt sanctions now that they've found how easy it is to make, use or steal stuff using magic Internet funny money.

Facebook just filed a patent for a system that could guess how poor you are based on all the crap you willingly tell Mark Zuckerberg.

And here's your morning Nice Time! BABY DUCKS!

Freedom isn't free, but Yr Wonkette is! Throw us some Ameros so things stay that way!

Follow Dominic on Twitter and watch him behave inappropriately with robots!

Elections

Call The Joo Lawyer Cause Roy Moore Is SO SUED

'Don't take the law into your own hands — take 'em to court.'

Now would I say something that wasn't true?
I'm asking you sugar
Would I lie to you?

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News

We Are All Doug Jones's Son, Staring GAY DAGGERS Through Mike Pence's Dumb Skull

That's right, Carson Jones, READ THAT FUCKER FOR FILTH.

Embed from Getty Images

A nice story for your afternoon! Doug Jones (D-Alabama Yes For Real Alabama) was sworn in to the Senate on Wednesday, and he brought his son. His hot son. His hot gay son. His hot gay son whose name is Carson and whose Instagram Wonkette DOES NOT RECOMMEND YOU VISIT TO OBJECTIFY HIM, because YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT.

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Science

BANNON, BANNON, BANNON! Wonkagenda For Thurs., Jan. 4, 2018

The lovers' quarrel between Bannon and Trump gets brutal, Trump gets ready to drill, baby, drill, and Ellen DeGeneres invites Eric Trump to her big, gay agenda.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Elections

Roy Moore's 'Jew Lawyer' Voted For Doug Jones, As Did His Negro Maid And Messican Pool Boy

Meet a guy who became a meme!

He looks kind of amused even in his law firm's photo

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Elections

A Letter From Alabama On This Joyous, Roy Moore-less Day!

Now fuck all the way off Roy Moore!!

AND NOW HE CAN GO THE MALL IN WASHINGTON.

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Elections

Working Hard Or Hardly ... Eh, It's Trump, What Do You Want. Wonkagenda For Thurs., Dec. 28, 2017

Trump tries to take credit for Obama's legacy, Roy Moore about to officially lose (again), and Donald Trump is ... GOLFING??? THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT!!! Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today, but first A HUNGRY WOMBAT!

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Elections

Donald Trump SO MAD Jeff Sessions Betrayed Him By ... Accepting His Job Offer

Donald Trump is such a jerk he almost made us sorry for Jeff Sessions. Almost.

What the flibber-flabber flickitty now?

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Elections

Breitbart And James O'Keefe: Oh, Never Mind, We Were Just Lying!

Politics makes for strange bedfellows. Here's why two conservative stars slept with a guy who wanted to fuck children.

Is this the face of a child molester? Let's rephrase the question...

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