Mark Kelly Could Be Just The Spaceman To Launch Mitch McConnell's SCOTUS Dreams Directly Into The Sun
Could happen! Let's DONATE HIM SOME DOLLARS just to be safe.
Since Ruth Bader Ginsburg died on Friday, amidst the despair and existential dread, people have been talking about whether or not Mitch McConnell actually is holding the cards he says he's holding, and will actually be able to quickly seat a "Handmaid's Tale" extra in RBG's seat before Joe Biden beats the shit out of Donald Trump in 43 days.
Senators Lisa Murkowski and Susan Colins have made statements suggesting they are opposed to it, though take Susan Collins's word at your own peril. Some are holding on to past statements from Chuck Grassley suggesting what's good for the goose is good for the "pidgin," and that he would support waiting for a new president to make the nomination. Of couse, Grassley isn't chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee anymore. Craven shitheel Lindsey Graham is.
Mitt Romney? Nobody fucking knows, and he's not saying.
Throughout all this talk about other vulnerable senators — Joni Ernst is DOWN THREE to Theresa Greenfield according to a new poll, DONATE TO GREENFIELD — exactly nobody has suggested that Arizona GOP Senator Martha McSally might have a shred of human decency, or even read the room and realize just how badly she is about to lose her own Senate race, and support waiting for a senator people actually want representing them to cast that vote. She's a total fucking asshole. Nobody ever died on the hill of "Maybe Martha McSally will surprise us by having a soul."
Speaking of, hello, Senator McSally:
But it might not matter, if we can stall long enough, and if you haven't heard about why yet, here is why.
Mark Kelly, astronaut husband of Gabby Giffords, is somewhere between one million and three gabillion points ahead of McSally, depending on which poll you look at. The fork in McSally's Senate career, it is almost just about stuck in it. And Kelly, if (when) elected, won't have to wait until January to be sworn in with a new Congress, because of how McSally wasn't elected to shit. The governor of Arizona appointed her to John McCain's Senate seat, after she lost her 2018 race for Arizona's other Senate seat to a bisexual ex-Mormon.
Therefore, according to the rules, Kelly could be sworn in as soon as November 30, because the Arizona race is actually a special election. So once Arizona certifies it, Kelly can go to Washington and put his hand on the Bible and say the oath, which is "LOL eat dicks, Mitch." (That is NOT the Senate oath. What temperamental, uncouth jokes we are making this morning!)
We just have to drag shit out that long. (We will explore in another post exactly how we might drag shit out that long.) And Susan Collins has to keep her wo-HAHAHAHAHAHA LOLS.
Point is, the conclusion here is not foregone, and we just wanted you to know about the whole Arizona situation, in case you had not seen it during your 200 hours of doom-scrolling the internet this weekend while you were eating your feelings.
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Did Trump write this?
Reality is a DEEP STATE plot! Luckily President Bunkerbitch knows just how to deal with objective facts and their damn, dirty scheming. That's right, he pays someone to spin him a nice little cocoon of fairy tales. A safe space if you will. It's warm in there, and as long as you keep OANN playing at all times, there's no chance of upsetting truth leaking in.
The president's most recent hire is famous poll un-skewer John McLaughlin, brought onboard to prove it is just science fact that all the polls showing Biden beating Trump are bullshit.
...Crooked Hillary Clinton in 2016. They are called SUPPRESSION POLLS, and are put out to dampen enthusiasm. Despit… https://t.co/v5JnPAEx80— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1591643687.0
Five months before the election, and Trump is already whining that the pollsters are trying to suppress the vote? Criminy, it's going to be a long, stupid summer. It was nice of that nutbag to give political Twitter a chance to come together and dunk on John McLaughlin, though. Last night was a veritable hit reel of races McLaughlin whiffed badly, taking his Republican clients' money and telling them what they wanted to hear.
Like when he told Rep. Barbara Comstock she was one point ahead of Democratic challenger Jennifer Wexton in 2018. Now Wexton represents Northern Virginia in Congress, and Comstock is in the private sector after losing by 12 points.
In 2012, McLaughlin predicted Mitt Romney would win Virginia by 7 and Colorado by 4. He lost them by 4 and 6 points respectively.
That same year, he said that New York's safely blue Sixth District was a 36-33 toss-up between Democrat Grace Meng and Republican Dan Halloran. He managed that magic number by cooking up a poll that showed 30 percent of respondents undecided in October. Meng won 68-31.
The list of McLaughlin flubs is long, but none can top the 2014 GOP congressional primary in Virginia's Seventh District, where McLaughlin showed his client Rep. Eric Cantor walloping challenger Dave Brat by 34 points. Brat won the seat with an 11-point margin, after which the National Republican Congressional Committee told its caucus to think hard about whether they wanted such an incompetent boob running their polling operations. Safe to say the president may be taking some liberties when he describes McLaughlin as a "highly respected pollster."
And indeed this "memo" is of a piece with McLaughlin's work product generally. His main point is that 2016's turnout model, when large numbers of Democrats stayed home because they didn't love Clinton and the media assured us she was going to win anyway, is the only legitimate metric, and everything else is a deliberate attempt to suppress the vote.
"So instead of the 33% Republican turnout which actually happened in 2020, they are reporting polls on only 26%, 25% or even 24% Republicans," McLaughlin blustered. Let's assume that he means 2016, not 2020, since the Republican presidential primary this year was a foregone conclusion, and Democrats accounted for 68 percent of total votes cast. Why is it illegal to disregard changing demographics, actual voter registration, or the massive Democratic turnout in 2018? Okay, to be fair, it's understandable that McLaughlin might want to memory hole the midterms, since he predicted the GOP would hold the House and possibly even pick up a seat or two, when they wound up losing 41 seats.
"For example, the CNN poll out today is another skewed anti-Trump poll of only 25% Republican," he continued in a grammatical style which sounds suspiciously like his client. "It's a poll of 1,259 adults — not even registered voters, let alone likely voters." Well, actually, the 14 percent Biden margin came from a poll of 1,125 registered voters. But, go off, dude!
"Also, it was done between June 2nd and 5th, before the great economic news from last Friday," he continued. McLaughlin accused both CNN and the NBC/Wall Street Journal pollsters of deliberately skewing their polls by conducting them before the unexpectedly good jobs numbers came out last Friday. How is it cheating to conduct a poll to exclude an unanticipated future event which might affect the outcome? Obviously, the space time continuum is #RIGGED!
"The latest media spin is that it's too late to define Joe Biden and it's too late for President Trump to win," McLaughlin theorized. "We can hardly wait until they start spinning a 'Biden electoral lock'. It has to be a strategy to counter the enthusiasm of Trump voters."
UH HUH. Well, leaving aside the wisdom of using a guy whose entire job is to brew up insanely rosy polls for GOP candidates, that language about it being "too late to define Joe Biden" sounds kinda familiar. Hey, Jonathan Chait at New York Magazine, remind us where we heard it before.
A slew of polling finds Biden's lead ranging from a low of 7 to CNN's high of 14. Trump's staffers backhandedly acknowledge this fact by the rote denials they have been giving reporters whenever asked about Trump's polling: "Our internal data consistently shows the president running strong against a defined Joe Biden in all of our key states." This line might sound confident, until you realize "defined" means "after pollsters have given respondents one-sided attack messages against him" and "running strong" means "still losing."
OH RIGHT! So Donald Trump's own internal pollsters can only get good numbers when they ask a question like, "If we told you that Joe Biden is a China-loving career politician whose son may have taken bribes in Ukraine, would you vote for him? What if we told you he kicks puppies?" But, please, tell us more about how the media is trying to suppress the vote five months before the election by undersampling Republicans.
Okay, enough of this pathetic shit. We've given it too many pixels already. In summary and in conclusion, Donald Trump is a demented little snowflake surrounding himself in ever-thicker layers of nonsense because objective reality is DEEP STATE. At this rate, the entire White House will be one huge rubber room by November.
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GOP leadership is shocked, shocked!
California Republican Ted Howze thought he could run for Congress without anyone checking his social media, or maybe he assumed everyone would stop using social media and have more “game nights" with their families. Neither happened and now he has to answer for offensive posts about Muslims and immigrants that appeared on his Facebook and Twitter accounts.
The inflammatory content is your typical Rush Limbaugh/Ann Coulter garbage: Hillary Clinton is accused of murdering Seth Rich. Rep. Maxine Waters doesn't just have distracting black lady hair, she's also a crackhead. Parkland shooting survivor David Hogg is a fraud who hasn't witnessed real gun violence. Also, Islam sucks. None of this is true or all that “shocking." It's boilerplate rhetoric from your MAGA relative. But Republicans like to gaslight us into thinking their party isn't a pack of bigots.
Howze claimed he didn't know how those "negative and ugly" posts got on his accounts. He certainly didn't write them! He was a regular user of Facebook, but he apparently never read its security guidelines, so he gave people access to his accounts ... for reasons. Facebook isn't Netflix or Hulu. Facebook is free.
We all know the #FakeNews media is joined at the hip with the Democrats. They don’t even hide it! Now they are afte… https://t.co/ryolDuYE2M— Ted Howze (@Ted Howze) 1589988945.0
Earlier this month, Howze tried to smooth things over with a social media security PSA.
"Like many folks in my middle-age group, I learned the very hard lesson to never allow anyone access to social media accounts or passwords," Howze said in a statement.
Dude is in his early 50s. Generation X is middle-aged, sure, but we're not your nana. We understand the Internets. Howze
is was even a member of the GOP's “Young Guns" program.
"I made the mistake of allowing others access to these accounts unknowingly — and I am angered, horrified and extremely offended that these ugly ideas were shared or posted by those individuals several years ago."
Howze declined to identify the drooling bigots he trusted with his account (probably because they don't exist), but his flimsy excuse was enough for the GOP. Then more posts emerged. He signed his name to one and tagged family members in others. It's a dumpster fire of anti-Muslim sentiment, as well as conspiracy theories about Hillary the serial killer and Obama the secret Muslim who's going to impose Sharia law.
House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy endorsed Howze before the March primary. No one in his office thought to check social media, either, but now McCarthy is preparing to cut his losses.
MCCARTHY: The content in question on Mr. Howze's social media channels is disappointing and disturbing. Bigotry and hateful rhetoric — in any form — have no place in the Republican Party.
They keep saying this as if Trump isn't a Republican. He gave Limbaugh the Presidential Medal of Freedom shortly before the world ended and yes, there is a connection.
MCCARTHY: These posts are unacceptable and do not reflect the Ted Howze that I have briefly interacted with.
See, McCarthy didn't know Howze was a creep when he endorsed him. It's not like he spat on a Muslim or anything during the five minutes they spoke at a meet-and-greet.
National Republican Congressional Committee chair Tom Emmer was also shocked and appalled.
EMMER: These statements are unacceptable and not indicative of the Republican Party and what we are building here at the NRCC with our diverse slate of candidates.
McCarthy and Emmer pulled Howze from their “Young Guns" roster. They no longer want him, dead or alive. This makes reelection much easier for freshman Rep. Josh Harder, who represents California 10th district. He is neither a bigot nor does he hand out his social media account passwords like candy.
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