Rep. Paul Gosar Praises Hero Cops By Demanding FBI Turn Them Over To Deranged Mob
There's a thin blue line between crazy and stupid. But Gosar manages to be on both sides of it.
"Back the blue!" shout Republicans, warning darkly of "Marxist" Black Lives Matter protestors and Antifa supersoldiers coming to murder saintly white taxpayers in their beds now that Democrats have defunded the police. But that's only when those hero cops are shooting unarmed Black men. When it's law enforcement holding back a horde of crazed MAGA rioters shouting "Hang Mike Pence!" it's another matter entirely.
Which is why 21 House Republicans, a full 10 percent of their caucus, voted against a resolution awarding Congressional Gold Medals to the very officers who defended them during the January 6 Capitol Insurrection. And, yes, it's the same cast of memelords you think it is — the ones who spend all their time grandstanding and offering stunt legislation to own the libs.
There's Rep. Andrew Clyde, who called the rioters "tourists," despite footage of him screaming to bar the door. And Rep. Lauren Boebert, who loves her some good ol' rebels. Louie Gohmert, Marjorie Taylor Greene, and Matt Gaetz showed their whole asses, because it was a day that ends in "Y." Kentucky's Thomas Massie worried that labeling the events as an "insurrection" was "partisan," because "I think if we call that an insurrection, it could have a bearing on their case that I don't think would be good."
Plus a bunch of JV shitstirrers of lesser infamy — Andy Biggs, Michael Cloud, Bob Good, Andy Harris, Jody Hice, Mary Miller, Barry Moore, Ralph Norman, Scott Perry, John Rose, Matt Rosendale, Chip Roy, Greg Steube — and Warren Davidson, a backbencher from Ohio who accused Democrats of "using an opportunity to recognize the valor of our Capitol Police officers to launder a politically motivated narrative about the events of 1/6."
But it was Arizona Rep. Paul "Dental Body Language Expert" Gosar, who won the Crazy Sumbitch of the Day award. (That guy is like the Simone Biles of batshittery.)
Here he is trying to get FBI Director Chris Wray to admit that the guards executed poor Ashli Babbit in cold blood and hand over the officer's name so Gosar can better paint a target on his back for every rightwing lunatic in the country.
While questioning FBI Director Wray, Rep. Paul Gosar asserts that Ashli Babbitt was "executed" https://t.co/ySYscC096P— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1623790005.0
"Director Wray, do you know who executed Ashli Babbitt," he demanded in classic "When did you stop beating your wife" style.
"No, I don't know the name of the person who—" Wray responded, before Gosar cut him off.
"So, do you agree that Ashli Babbit was unarmed?" he demanded.
Wray continued to refuse to comment, noting that the case was investigated by "DC Metro's internal affairs department," who cleared the officer of wrongdoing. But Congressman Mensa was not mollified.
"It's disturbing," he railed. "The officer that did that shooting appeared to be hiding, lying in wait, and he gave no warning before killing her. Question! Why hasn't that officer that executed her been named when police officers around the country are routinely identified after a shooting?"
The Washington Post has reported that the unidentified officer has already received death threats, but Rep. Gosar would like to save the howling mob the trouble of hunting him down, please and thank you.
It's an odd way to describe a crowd forcing its way through a line of police and breaking a window in an attempt to enter the Speakers Lobby. Aren't Republicans the ones telling us that Black people wouldn't get shot by cops if they would just comply with police instruction?
But Gosar is nothing if not odd, so he continued to press Wray, who is, lest we forget, an investigator, not a prosecutor. "Do you approve of lethal force against unarmed citizens?" he wondered, launching into an elaborate hypothetical grounded in the assumption that officers knew Babbitt was unarmed at the time they shot her — not a standard he has ever advocated for when the victim was a Black man, of course.
The whole thing was vile, as Rep. Liz Cheney agreed.
"On January 6, as the violent mob advanced on the House chamber, I was standing near @RepGosar and helped him open his gas mask," she tweeted. "The Capitol Police led us to safety. It is disgusting and despicable to see Gosar lie about that day and smear the men and women who defended us."
But disgusting and despicable is kind of Paul Gosar's brand, so ... here we are.
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OK, Who's Writing The Matt Gaetz Screenplay, Because This Sh*t Is WILD
Meet your new Bumblefuckers, we almost can't tell them apart from the old Chucklefucks!
Let's just skip to the part about the UFOs, shall we? We all know that's where this weird-ass Matt Gaetz story is headed, right? Maybe we ought to just cut to the chase and acknowledge that the Florida congressman with the roving peener (allegedly!) is a space alien.
BREAKING: Matt Gaetz found to be secret space lizard! Must credit Wonkette!
Oh, we kid ... probably!
When last we left that freak, he and his father were flapping their yaps to every reporter in DC about a supposed sextortion plot to get the congressman out of trouble with the FBI in exchange for a $25 million payoff.
"HENGGGHHHHH????" we all said in unison? How could some lawyer in Pensacola who hasn't worked for the government in 16 years make a federal investigation disappear?
When he appeared on Tucker Carlson's show Tuesday, Gaetz implied that the entire FBI investigation was a Democratic plot to shut him up and steal money from his father.
"These allegations aren't true. They're merely intended to try to bleed my family out of money," he protested, perhaps too much, accusing federal prosecutors of leaking the story to the New York Times to blow up the sting operation the Gaetz family was running to catch the perps in the act.
As if the so-called extortion caused the federal investigation — you know, in the same way that babies cause sex.
And then the Iran stuff dropped. Hooboy!
Let's assume for the moment that the documents leaked to the Washington Examiner are real, since no one involved has come forward to say they're forged. It's as good a starting place as any, right?
According to the Examiner, the federal investigation into Gaetz's relationship with a teenage girl had been underway for months when his father, Don Gaetz, was approached by a former Air Force intelligence officer named Bob Kent and his attorney, David McGee, with a harebrained scheme to free an American hostage held in Iran and clear the congressman's name.
"I would like to talk to you immediately about the current federal investigation and the indictment that is about to be filed against your son," the March 16 text reads. "I have a plan that can make his future legal and political problems go away."
Kent and McGee have been working for years to free Robert Levinson, a CIA operative who went missing in Iran in 2007. The US government has told his family that Levinson is dead, but Kent claims to have more recent proof of life. When Don Gaetz met with Kent and McGee the next day, they allegedly presented him with a typed memo which began with a detailed description of his son's legal problems, with references to "compromising pictures depicting Congressman Gaetz and an Election Official involved in a 'sexual orgy with underage prostitutes', in Maitland, Florida," which "has resulted in Congressman Gaetz becoming a target of a widening investigation into serious underage sex trafficking, political corruption, public integrity, and other Criminal allegations against Congressman Gaetz and others."
"A Grand Jury has been impaneled, in the Middle District of Florida, to determine whether criminal charges shall be brought against Congressman Gaetz and others," it continues. "It has been confirmed that at least one underage female has testified to the Grand Jury that Congressman Gaetz has paid her to engage in sexual activities."
But never fear, these randos have a solution to all the congressman's problems!
"Our strategy for Congressman Gaetz to mitigate his legal, and political, troubles would be for him, or someone else, to arrange for the funds required to obtain the immediate release of Robert Levinson from captivity in Iran," they wrote.
The "plan," dubbed "Project Homecoming," appeared to go like this:
- Step 1: Poppy Gaetz "loans" the schemers $25 million;
- Step 2: Schemers pay $25 million to Iran and secure Levinson's release;
- Step 3: Matt Gaetz is "on the plane" when Levinson comes home;
- Step 4: Gaetz is a hero;
- Step 5: President Biden disappears Gaetz's legal problems, since heroes are allowed to have sex with minors;
- Step 6: Schemers collect $25 million reward from US government for Levinson's release;
- Step 7: Schemers pay Poppy Gaetz back for his "loan" and promise never to mention it again;
- Step 8: ALIENS!!!!!
The Examiner has emails apparently from the FBI confirming Don Gaetz's claim that he wore a wire during at least one meeting with the schemers. They've also got a photo of a business card from a guy named Stephen Alford, a Florida businessman who served ten years on a fraud conviction, whom Gaetz claims was at the meeting. But it's not clear if the illegal conduct here is extortion of the Gaetz family or some other violation of sanctions laws. It's also not clear how these geniuses thought Poppy Gaetz was going to move $25 million into the lawyer's escrow account by March 19 — i.e. in three days — without leaving a paper trail that would inevitably lead to the whole stupid caper becoming public.
What is clear, however, is that Rep. Gaetz's legal problems occurred long before these desperate idiots put the squeeze on his father. This is not, as Gaetz would have us believe, one unified, dastardly plot to shut him up because "we are in an era of our politics now Tucker, where people are smeared to try to take them out of the conversation."
The feds were investigating Gaetz's pal Joel Greenberg, the Seminole County tax collector awaiting trial on a raft of charges including embezzlement and paying minors for sex. And some sort of way that investigation led them to Gaetz's door.
Equally clear is that Gaetz's strategy to salvage his political career by talking about his legal problems with every reporter in DC is really fucking stupid when it comes to his legal defense.
"My hope is that the truth will set me free, so I'm trying to get as much truth out as possible," he told Politico yesterday, after having confirmed that he did in fact ferry women across state lines for sex. Which makes it a lot easier for the government to simply enter some poor girl's birth certificate into evidence, since Gaetz has more or less copped to the other elements of the crime. (Yes, it's more complicated than that. But still!)
Gaetz's pals in Congress are sticking by him for the time being, but his obnoxious antics and total lack of interest in the work of governing have hardly endeared him to his colleagues.
Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy is so far ignoring Democratic demands to yank Gaetz from the Judiciary Committee, but appears open to cutting him loose if the investigation goes any further, telling NBC, "DOJ has not told me anything. If a member at my conference gets indicted, they will get removed from a committee. He says this is not true. And we have a newspaper report that says something else. We'll find out the basis."
Meanwhile, the congressman's parachute into private life seems to have sprung a leak. On Tuesday, Axios reported that Gaetz was thinking of noping out of Congress for a sweet gig at Newsmax or another conservative outlet. He confirmed as much yesterday to the Daily Beast, saying, "There is not a single conservative television station I haven't had a passing conversation with about life after Congress. I have neither received nor solicited offers from any of them. But yes, I've talked to either executives, producers or hosts at Newsmax, OAN, Fox, Fox Business, Real America's Voice and probably others I'm forgetting in this moment as I focus intently on refuting false accusations against me."
But even wingnut welfare is denying Gaetz's application.
"No one with any level of authority has had conversations with Matt Gaetz for any of our platforms and we have no interest in hiring him," a Fox spox told the Beast.
"Right now, I'm not really hiring anybody for talk shows," said OAN's CEO Robert Herring.
"Highly doubt it, highly," Newsmax sources said, when Beast reporters asked if Gaetz would be joining the network.
Womp womp. And also, CRIPES, COULD THIS SHIT GET ANY WEIRDER?
We'll keep you posted.
[WashEx / Gaetz Docs / Beast]
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Tucker Had A Weird One Last Night
Most of this is from one show.
How many quiet parts can Tucker Carlson say really loudly in one night? Try this one on for size.
TUCKER CARLSON: Everyone is welcome under this tent. They're all invited, except the white supremacists and the QAnon people and anyone else who disagrees with anything we say. They're all going to jail, but the rest are more than welcome to stay and obey our commands. It was that kind of night, festive, good-hearted, magnanimous.
Won't somebody make the white supremacists and the QAnon people feel included?
As with everything involving Tucker Carlson, context just makes it stupider and more offensive.
The clip above starts out so well, with a question America really can agree on: "In what version of quote meritocracy can someone like Chuck Todd get rich and famous? Dumb and conventional now passes as impressive? It's insulting." And for the first time in our lives, we looked at Tucker Carlson and said, "OK, with you so far!"
But then the worm turned, and Tucker somehow made his way to whining that white supremacists and QAnon people aren't welcome in the Democrat Media Complex's Big Tent. According to known truth seeker Tucker Carlson, all the media that is not Fox is just paid to lie constantly. (About Tucker Carlson, remember, a real judge noted that Fox News lawyers had argued "persuasively" to her that "any reasonable viewer 'arrive[s] with an appropriate amount of skepticism' about the statements he makes.")
Tucker then played clips of people on MSNBC saying nice things about Kamala Harris, which are all, we guess, to Tucker, just factcheck false. We don't know if it's because Vice President Harris is Black, but we're trying to have an appropriate amount of skepticism about the statements he makes, like the judge told us.
This led to Tucker playing a clip of CNN's Don Lemon being genuinely overjoyed after the election, which we guess was also a mainstream media lie, in response to which Tucker bitched that white supremacists and QAnon aren't included in the Big Tent. Totally normal Tucker commentary!
How about this Tucker quote from last night?
TUCKER CARLSON: Once again, COVID restrictions aren't just about COVID. Any more than Donald Trump's impeachment was just about Donald Trump or BLM's ongoing campaign to end the nuclear family was ever about George Floyd.
Oh boy. Everything's a conspiracy, isn't it, Tucker? COVID restrictions aren't about keeping people safe, they're about fascist control. Trump's impeachment wasn't about Trump, it was about ... who knows, "cancel culture" probably. And for white racists, Black Lives Matter is a conspiracy to destroy the nuclear (white) family. Gotcha. To be clear, the "Black Lives Matter wants to destroy the nuclear family" thing is one of the racist right's Big Lies about BLM, relying on one out-of-context quote that used to be on its website. To believe this particular lie, we think you need to be pretty willfully ignorant and racist.
Sometimes Tucker doesn't say the quiet parts loud by himself. Sometimes he lets one of his guests do it. Here is Heather Mac Donald, who is ... some right-wing asshole, doesn't matter ... proffering what she thinks is a gotcha "own the libs!" question from an op-ed she recently published in Newsweek. (This was actually Monday night, but it's insane, so fuck it.)
HEATHER MAC DONALD: On the one hand as Biden said during the campaign, as he said in his inauguration speech, as he said since then: America is lethally racist, on the other hand we should break down every single reasonable, common sensical immigration control in order to bring in legally and illegally as many third world immigrants of color as possible. Both positions cannot be true. If Biden believes that Black children are at risk of getting shot every time they step outside, we should not be bringing more Black children into this country. This is an opportunity for Republicans, Tucker, to call them out on this.
Wait, what is the opportunity for Republicans, Tucker, to call them out on? To keep Black immigrant children out of America? To OWN THE LIBS by saying that if America is so racist, why can't we keep all these Black immigrant kids out of America, for their own safety, obviously? Heather Mac Donald is a conservative "think tank" person, and this is just some really clever "thinking." Because in the conservative squirrel brain, liberals couldn't possibly both think America is full of systemic racism and also want to fix it and make it as safe as possible for Black immigrant children coming to America for a better life than what they had before.
Fuck it, it's just white supremacist bullshit, no reason to try to diagram their sentences.
Finally, and back to Tuesday, it wouldn't be Tucker Carlson if it didn't just go weird as hell at some point. Tucker has a new obvious projection conspiracy theory about Joe and Jill Biden's marriage. Did you know their marriage, and their obvious love and affection for each other, are not real, but just rather an elaborate 44-year-long PR stunt? That is a reasonable thing to believe, maybe, if you were not hugged as a child and have never experienced real intimacy or touched your marital spouse's genitals, allegedly:
"Their love is as real as climate change" Tucker Carlson's newest bizarre take is that Jill and Joe Bidens' 44-yea… https://t.co/eHQ8t35Mmp— Kat Abu (@Kat Abu) 1613524561.0
TUCKER: At the heart of this great American family is a love story. One man, one woman, and the fires of passion that changed the course of our history! Not since Antony dined with Cleopatra in downtown Antioch — before they killed themselves obviously — has a country witnessed a love story as moving as poignant as Jill and Joe's. No, ladies and gentlemen, Jill Biden is not Joe's caretaker, she isn't his nurse. She is his fully equal romantic partner. Together they are like besotted teens, yet at the same time they are the wise and knowing parents of a nation. [...]
So it's official, the Bidens' affection is totally real. It's in no way part of a slick PR campaign devised by cynical consultants determined to hide the president's senility by misdirection. [Right here Tucker's voice shrieks up a few octaves, like it does.] Not at all! Their love is as real as climate change!
Spoken by a true guy who's never actually been around two old people who've been together forever who are in love. Guess Black Lives Matter destroyed all the nuclear families Tucker had growing up. (Allegedly.)
Wonkette will have more on this new obviously very true story about the Bidens' obviously fake sham marriage later today, because just like Tucker said above, the media lies constantly and makes up fake love stories about the Bidens, while ignoring the consistently lusty heat between Donald and Melania Trump.
Donald Trump No GIF by Election 2020Giphy
[Media Matters / ibid. / ibid.]
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Mark Kelly Could Be Just The Spaceman To Launch Mitch McConnell's SCOTUS Dreams Directly Into The Sun
Could happen! Let's DONATE HIM SOME DOLLARS just to be safe.
Since Ruth Bader Ginsburg died on Friday, amidst the despair and existential dread, people have been talking about whether or not Mitch McConnell actually is holding the cards he says he's holding, and will actually be able to quickly seat a "Handmaid's Tale" extra in RBG's seat before Joe Biden beats the shit out of Donald Trump in 43 days.
Senators Lisa Murkowski and Susan Colins have made statements suggesting they are opposed to it, though take Susan Collins's word at your own peril. Some are holding on to past statements from Chuck Grassley suggesting what's good for the goose is good for the "pidgin," and that he would support waiting for a new president to make the nomination. Of couse, Grassley isn't chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee anymore. Craven shitheel Lindsey Graham is.
Mitt Romney? Nobody fucking knows, and he's not saying.
Throughout all this talk about other vulnerable senators — Joni Ernst is DOWN THREE to Theresa Greenfield according to a new poll, DONATE TO GREENFIELD — exactly nobody has suggested that Arizona GOP Senator Martha McSally might have a shred of human decency, or even read the room and realize just how badly she is about to lose her own Senate race, and support waiting for a senator people actually want representing them to cast that vote. She's a total fucking asshole. Nobody ever died on the hill of "Maybe Martha McSally will surprise us by having a soul."
Speaking of, hello, Senator McSally:
But it might not matter, if we can stall long enough, and if you haven't heard about why yet, here is why.
Mark Kelly, astronaut husband of Gabby Giffords, is somewhere between one million and three gabillion points ahead of McSally, depending on which poll you look at. The fork in McSally's Senate career, it is almost just about stuck in it. And Kelly, if (when) elected, won't have to wait until January to be sworn in with a new Congress, because of how McSally wasn't elected to shit. The governor of Arizona appointed her to John McCain's Senate seat, after she lost her 2018 race for Arizona's other Senate seat to a bisexual ex-Mormon.
Therefore, according to the rules, Kelly could be sworn in as soon as November 30, because the Arizona race is actually a special election. So once Arizona certifies it, Kelly can go to Washington and put his hand on the Bible and say the oath, which is "LOL eat dicks, Mitch." (That is NOT the Senate oath. What temperamental, uncouth jokes we are making this morning!)
We just have to drag shit out that long. (We will explore in another post exactly how we might drag shit out that long.) And Susan Collins has to keep her wo-HAHAHAHAHAHA LOLS.
Point is, the conclusion here is not foregone, and we just wanted you to know about the whole Arizona situation, in case you had not seen it during your 200 hours of doom-scrolling the internet this weekend while you were eating your feelings.
According to ActBlue, people have given over $100 million since RBG died. Go give some more of it to Mark Kelly. (Also some of it to us, below.)
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