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2020 presidential election

Ayanna Pressley Endorses Ever-Living F*** Out Of Elizabeth Warren's Plans

Dream ticket assembled!

Democratic superstar Ayanna Pressley has ended the suspense and officially endorsed Senator Elizabeth Warren for president. I also officially endorse a presidential ticket with two candidates from Massachusetts.

PRESSLEY: Elizabeth has made it her life's work to pursue justice for working families and put economic and political power in the hands of people. We find ourselves in a fight for the soul of our nation, and I know Elizabeth can win it.

People guessed this might be coming when Pressley didn't endorse Bernie Sanders along with fellow "Squad" members Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, and Rashida Tlaib.

FRIENDSHIP! It means you still love each other even if you have different votes in the primary! (That includes in the comments, let's not chase people away, hey?) Not in the general though, let's get it correct.

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Elections

George Papadopoulos Throws Douchey Hat In Ring For Katie Hill's Seat, Sure What The Hell

Don't let the joke candidate distract you from the GOP's attempt to flip back Katie Hill's seat.

Katie Hill has resigned from Congress after a calculated and vicious smear campaign. Republicans are hoping to reclaim her seat representing California's 25th congressional district, and (more or less) serious contenders have wasted no time launching campaigns. There's Mike Garcia, who was a vocal Hill critic, and Angela Underwood-Jacob, who breakdanced on Hill's political grave before it was even dug. Former Rep. Steve Knight, who Hill defeated last year, is considering running again. One man's revenge porn is another man's career opportunity.

Republicans denounced Hill for her "unethical" behavior, which involved a consensual sexual relationship with a former campaign staffer. So it's fitting that one of the Republican challengers for her now vacant seat is someone who's broken actual laws. Trump 2016 campaign adviser George Papadopoulos, who spent 14 whole days in prison for lying to the FBI, filed the paperwork yesterday to run for Congress in California's 25th.

Yes, this asshole:

If you look closely at the photo he retweeted from his wife, you'll see that he's wearing black loafers without socks, which is part of the official douchebag uniform.

Papadopoulos was arrested in 2017 for lying to the FBI about his contacts with mysterious perfessers promising Russian dirt on Hillary Clinton. Pap served a Felicity Huffman and some change in federal prison. Upon his release, he threatened to run for elected office.

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Congress

John Conyers Dies At 90, Leaving Behind Complicated Legacy

Former representative from Michigan first introduced Medicare for All in 2003.

Former Rep. John Conyers, who died Sunday at 90, was the longest-serving black congressman in history. But longevity wasn't his sole achievement. He co-founded the Congressional Black Caucus in 1971. After Martin Luther King Jr.'s assassination, Conyers introduced the first bill to create a federal holiday for the civil rights leader. He opposed the Vietnam and both Bushes' Iraq wars. He pissed off New York mayors Ed Koch and Rudy Giuliani with his hearings on police brutality. He also sponsored the United States National Health Care Act or Expanded and Improved Medicare for All Act in 2003. He reintroduced the bill every year, and now most Democratic presidential candidates advocate for some version of Medicare for All.

Rep. John Conyers on Medicare for All www.youtube.com

Conyers was ahead of the curve on a lot of issues, including advocating for reparations. He consistently fought to keep Americans from getting shot in the name of freedom. However, his political career ultimately ended in disgrace. Conyers was forced to resign in 2017 after 52 years in Congress because of credible accusations of sexual misconduct, which he denied. The House was under Republican control at the time, but it wasn't just Donald Trump-enabler Paul Ryan hypocritically showing Conyers the door. Fellow Democrats Nancy Pelosi and James Clyburn also told Conyers it was time to go.

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2020 Congressional Elections

Republicans Still Want To 'Ride Coattails' of President Extortion Treason

There are worse ideas, but we can't think of any right now.

Defeated Republicans aren't giving up on their old House seats. You gotta love the delusional bastards. They were swept out of power in 2018 but they like their chances in 2020 because they'll have Donald Trump at the top of the ticket. Trump is in the middle of an impeachment inquiry. He gets booed at baseball games. He's the iceberg in their Titanic.

According to Politico, former Rep. Claudia Tenney thinks she has a shot at winning New York's 22nd Congressional District again. She lost to Democratic Rep. Anthony Brindisi by just two points. Trump carried the district by 15 points in 2016. I get that Republicans want to contest these districts but why serve up stale leftovers?

TENNEY: [2018] was a tough year, just not a great environment for Republicans. I think the environment now is different.

Yes, it's a Red New Deal! There's no telling how well Republicans can do with a criminal president in their corner. Tenney underperformed Trump significantly when they last appeared on a ballot together. She won in 2016 with just 44 percent of the vote. Her Republican predecessor, Richard Hanna, refused to endorse her.

HANNA: The jobs she's had and the offices she's run for isn't a positive [campaign] that I can associate myself with.

Trump, his idiot sons, and his annoying daughter campaigned for Tenney to no avail. But maybe a public airing of Trump's major presidential felonies will inspire Republican turnout next year. It's not much of a theory but you gotta hold on to something. Public support for impeachment increases each day, especially among independents. It doesn't seem like a general election killer.

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Congress

Katie Hill Was In The Closet Making Babies And I Saw One Of The Babies And The Baby Looked At Me!

Damn millennials with their avocado toast and consensual sexual relationships!

Democrat Katie Hill is a freshman House member who flipped a California district that Republicans had held since 1993. Hill is a rising star, or rather she was. She's now the subject of a House ethics probe over a matter I don't think is anyone's business. Hill confirmed that she had an "inappropriate relationship" with a female campaign staffer. However, she's denied an affair with her legislative director, Graham Kelly, who is a current member of her office staff.

House rules forbid a "sexual relationship with any employee of the House who works under the supervision of the Member, Delegate, or Resident Commissioner." It's a new rule the House implemented last year in response to longstanding allegations of sexual misconduct, specifically involving Michigan Rep. John Conyers. But unlike Brutus, Conyers was not an honorable man. He was Dabney Coleman in 9 to 5, a gross letch who repeatedly made unwanted sexual advances to female staffers and reportedly retaliated against those who resisted.

Consensual sex is both natural and fun, but nonconsensual sex isn't a great pop song. I don't understand how we conflated the two. My personal opinion is that office romances are a bad idea but they're not inherently unethical or criminal. Yes, there are oppressive workplace environments where (mostly) women aren't empowered to say "no" to their supervisors. Brooke Nevils legitimately believed her career was at risk if she didn't continue a sexual relationship with former "Today" show host Matt Lauer, who she says raped her. Vanina Guerrero recently charged that Louis Lehot, co-managing partner at DLA Piper, assaulted her multiple times. He lied about the nature of their "relationship" and actively sabotaged her professionally. Mark Halperin and Louis C.K. masturbated in front of horrified women because that's something disgusting but powerful men like to do.

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2016 Presidential Election

Mike Pence Will Bring Home Michigan If He Has To Punch Every Resident In The Nuts Himself

VP Politics Knower and President Wordsgood are a peach of a pair!

For a guy who's been kicking around in politics for 20 years, Mike Pence is impressively bad at it. This weekend he traveled to Michigan's famous Mackinac Island to rouse the faithful at the Republican Leadership Conference. And he did it in an eight-car motorcade, an unequivocal fuck you to the island's century-old ban on motorized vehicles. The internet was not impressed. Political journalist James Fallows likened it to "rolling a Port-a-John into a church, and using it"; Michigan native and former AP chief Ron Fournier called it "sacrilege"; and even GOP stalwart Greta Van Susteren recoiled in horror.

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2020 presidential election

Who The F*ck Is Elizabeth Heng And Why Is She Setting Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez On Fire?

She has excellent history reasons: Democrats are the Khmer Rouge.

During last night's Democratic debate, a seriously weirdass ad ran in a number of large media markets, depicting a photo of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez catching fire and burning. Behind the burning face of AOC was the "real face of socialism": photographs of skulls and dead bodies from Cambodia's killing fields. The point, in case you miss it, is that all socialism leads to genocide, as narrator Elizabeth Heng, a failed 2018 GOP congressional candidate, explained:

This is the face of socialism and ignorance. Does Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez know the horror of socialism? My father was minutes from death in Cambodia before a forced marriage saved his life. That's socialism. Forced obedience. Starvation. Mine is a face of freedom. My skin is not white. I'm not outrageous, racist or socialist. I'm a Republican.

"I'm not outrageous," huh? Citation Needed, as they say.

Not surprisingly, a lot of viewers wondered what the fuck that was all about, and why ABC would accept an ad that accuses a sitting member of Congress of being in league with mass murderers. (Quick answer: It was an ad buy through multiple local markets; the ad didn't air nationally, so tweeting #BoycottABC won't accomplish anything.) But now people are talking about Elizabeth Heng and her one-woman PAC, "New Faces GOP PAC," which the Daily Beast reports "appears to be purely a Heng-related venture." So who is this loon and why is she insisting AOC will genocide you?

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News

LET'S WIN THE F*CKING SENATE

It's doable. We just have to count to five.

Labor Day weekend has passed, which means the summer is over, and also means it is officially campaign season. So let's start thinking about winning a thing! The Senate, in particular.

Recently, we got the very surprising news that Johnny Isakson of Georgia is quitting the Senate, which means, according to esteemed publications like NBC News and Politico, the Senate is suddenly a lot wider open than it was before. But fuck those "esteemed publications," let's look at a pollster who really knows her shit and see what she's been saying the whole time.

Rachel Bitecofer should have become well-known last year when she was the person who most exactly nailed how big the Democratic blue wave was going to be, as in, almost down to the House seat. As it turns out, she's getting recognized right now, so maybe you've seen her on MSNBC in the past few weeks.

Right now, there are 53 Republicans in the Senate, and 47 who are either Democrats or who are "Bernie Sanders" and "Angus King," independents who caucus with the Dems. First of all, let's get out of the way that Doug Jones is probably not going to win re-election in Alabama. Yes, we suppose he could, but let us not use any of that hopeful pipe dreaming shit in our math. That means we need five pickups to get to 51. (And we need to lose zero others that we already have. Should go without saying it, but saying it.)

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Featured

Trump Campaign Manager Brad Parscale Draining Swamp All Over His Wife

Is Parscale pissing on our leg, or is it raining?

Brad Parscale is GRRRR SO MAD, you guys. Donald Trump's campaign manager will not stand for Fake News CNN accurately reporting that his wife Candice is the registered owner of a digital media company which raked in upwards of $900,000 from the pro-Trump America First Action PAC. How dare those scumbags viciously attack Republicans by printing truthful information showing that the "firewall" between the Trump campaign and the PACs slurping up sacks of secret cash is protected by Ol' Pube Beard's sacred promise not to speak to his own wife!

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sex crimes

Republicans Shocked SHOCKED At Steve King Saying That Part Out Loud

They don't know her!

Oh, NOW the GOP wants to get rid of Steve King? Not when he accused undocumented immigrants of being drug smugglers with "calves the size of cantaloupes"? Not when he referred to the torture of prisoners at Abu Ghraib as "hazing"? Not when he said Muslims shouldn't be allowed to work in meat-packing plants? Not when he suggested cutting food stamps "for people who have not worked in three generations"? Not when he suggested using electrified cattle fences to keep out migrants? Not when he said, "We can't restore our civilization with somebody else's babies"? Not when he referred to Mexican immigrants as "dirt"? Not when he spewed his poison about white genocide and the "great replacement" theory?

All that was merely distasteful, a shame, inappropriate, tut tut. But now that he's facing a rematch against J.D. Scholten, after barely eking out a three-point win in an R+11 district last year, now they want him gone?

There aren't enough jerk off gifs in the world for this bullshit.

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News

Republicans SHOOK About Texas. No, Not The El Paso Attack, It's Something Else.

All these Republican congressmen from Texas retiring, makes you wonder how bad their internal polling really is.

Y'all, Republicans are shitting their everloving pants about Texas. And as we said in that headline, NO, SILLY, we don't mean the El Paso terrorist attack. They are thoughts-ing and prayers-ing about that, and a couple of them are even saying, "White supremacists are bad, MMKAY?" But that doesn't rise to the level of SHOOK.

What they are SHOOK about is the fact that 2020 could actually, possibly, theoretically, if the stars align just perfectly, be the year Texas inches itself over into the blue column. Nobody wants to say that out loud, because we've been hearing for hundreds of millions of years now that one of these days, and it won't be long, Texas will become a purple state, and then a blue state, by force of pure demographics alone. It is definitely going to happen, we just don't know exactly when. But in possibly related news, yet another Texas Republican, Kenny Marchant of the 24th district in the Dallas suburbs has announced he will not seek re-election to Congress in 2020. He's the fourth Texas Republican to make that decision, after Will Hurd, Pete Olson and Mike Conaway.

As the New York Times notes, Conaway's district is full-on wingnut, but Hurd and Olson represent districts that very well might oughta flip with their Republican incumbents bowing out. Hurd's district, TX-23, is enormous, stretches along the border from the San Antonio suburbs to the El Paso suburbs, and is majority Hispanic. It's almost a certain pick-up for Democrats. Olson's district, TX-22, is Houston suburbs. Things could change there too.

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Immigrants

How Donald Trump Built The Border Crisis On Purpose, For Fun And Profit But Mostly For Hate

Migration has increased. But this fuckery isn't about the numbers.

The Associated Press reports that even as lawyers found children in overcrowded, unsanitary conditions at a Border Patrol station in Clint, Texas, last week, the government's baby jail system had at least 500 beds available, according to government documents. Remember, we were being told the overcrowding and lack of safe and sanitary conditions at that processing station and others were all due to the lack of space in shelters, and that lack of space was due to terrible Democrats who refuse to give Donald Trump "emergency" funding if there are limits on cruelty attached. This, as we have been saying, is bullshit, so let's say it A LITTLE LOUDER.

The more than 200 children being held at the Clint border station -- before being removed, then some of them were moved back -- had been held far longer than the 72 hours kids are supposed to be held by the Border Patrol before being placed in facilities overseen by Health and Human Services. But there were open beds in those HHS baby jails:

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2020 Congressional Elections

Arizona Sen. Martha McSally Can Win Election If She Just Can Avoid 'Opponents'

She's freaking out over the makeup guy.

Martha McSally is worried. Everything was coming up Martha when Arizona Gov. Doug Ducey picked her to fill the late John McCain's Senate seat. But now the junior senator has to hold that seat in 2020, and actual elections are where she has her troubles. Kyrsten Sinema, she of the fierce wardrobe, defeated McSally last year when they were running against each other for Jeff Flake's old seat. Arizona hadn't elected a Democratic senator since 1988.

McSally's likely challenger next year is Mark Kelly, who's a goddamn astronaut. We appreciate her service as an Air Force pilot but really, Kelly's been in space, where the Klingons are. Kelly's identical twin is also an astronaut. McSally has four siblings and none of them are astronauts or even her twin. She can't win this.

Besides, this is Kelly's campaign announcement video. When his awesome wife, Gabby Giffords, shows up, we just lose it. Why are we even bothering with an election?

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White House

Ken Cuccinelli To Be New Kris Kobach Of Stephen Millers

We're all actors in this B Movie.

Former Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli has started work as the acting director of the US Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS), the agency that runs all legal immigration in our great land of white people who belong here and others who somehow made it in anyway. Cooch had been rumored to be on his way to an appointment as Trump's "immigration czar," but instead will take over as acting head of one more agency in the Department of Homeland Security, which has been filled with temps since the great DHS purge earlier this year.

Cuccinelli issued a statement promising to Git Tuff on legal immigrants, because America has been far too nice to people foolish enough to buy that bullshit about this being a nation of immigrants:

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