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Moscow Mitch Writes Love Song To All The Senate Norms He's F*cked Before

McConnell writes NYT op-ed begging Democrats not to nuke filibuster. Sounds like he's scared.

The New York Times published a work of fiction today from Mitch McConnell. The tortoise who wrecked the Senate passionately defended the legislative filibuster, which he argues plays a "crucial role in our Constitutional order." McConnell isn't just a singularly graceless liar. He also thinks you're stupid.

This is how his fairy tale begins:

" You'll regret this, and you may regret this a lot sooner than you think."

That was my warning to Senate Democrats in November 2013.

Don't you just love a story that kicks off with someone's straight-up gangster declaration? The Godfather at least opened with a wedding. McConnell likes to cast former Democratic leader Harry Reid as the villain who blew up Senate norms so Barack Obama could pack the courts with Castro clones. This isn't what happened. The Republican Senate minority blocked countless Obama executive branch appointments. They were not "controversial," as McConnell claims -- they just weren't right wing hacks. Republicans also used the filibuster to "negotiate" legislative concessions. They were close to demanding protection money from Obama, so Reid went nuclear. McConnell, naturally, takes no responsibility for this. He repeatedly broke his word to Reid and refused to honor previous commitments.

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2020 presidential election

Jay Inslee Ends Campaign To Spend More Time With Planet

Also available to be Climate Czar.

Washington Gov. Jay Inslee announced last night he's ending his presidential campaign after not reaching the polling threshold to be included in the September Democratic debates. On MSNBC's "Rachel Maddow Show," Inslee said he was glad his campaign had "advanced the dialogue" on climate change in the 2020 race, and that he believes America is finally ready to take the action needed to prevent the worst possible effects of global warming.

I've been fighting climate change for 25 years, and I've never been so confident of the ability of America now to reach critical mass to move the ball.

Inslee also said that his detailed plan to address climate change, which he said has been recognized as the "gold standard," is now "open source" and should should be adopted by other candidates. Quip points to Maddow, who said Inslee's multi-part program "isn't just a road map, it's an atlas." Whoever gets the nomination and replaces the guy Inslee called "the climate denier in the White House" now has available to them a thorough plan to meet the goal of getting the US to net zero carbon emissions by 2030 and resume the role of world leadership on the greatest threat to humanity. Here's hoping they take it.

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Congress

Corey Lewandowski Will Make Sweet Extramarital Love To Senate Race, F*ck Congressional Subpoenas

What fun we have here!

Corey Lewandowski, COME ON DOWN! You're the second contestant on the Trump Fuckin' Up Local Elections Show! Last season, the audience was treated to the spectacle of Kris Kobach being foisted on Kansas voters by presidential endorsement, defeating sitting Governor Jeff Colyer in the Republican primary, only to go down to Democrat Laura Kelly in the general. In Kansas! Turns out, furiously humping Trump's leg isn't actually a winning strategy in a place where Democrats and independent voters make up a sizable portion of the electorate. Womp womp!

But Corey's a scrapper, especially when it comes to the ladies. Will he rise to the challenge and take on New Hampshire's Democratic Senator Jeanne Shaheen in 2020? It's looking more and more likely. This week, Trump's shady-ass pollster Tony Fabrizio was flogging a dubious survey showing Lewandowski beating all the declared Republicans. On the subject of his viability against Shaheen herself, Fabrizio was silent. Last night, Lewandowski got a shoutout from Trump at his Manchester MAGA rally. And RNC Chair Ronna Romney McDaniel gushed to Politico, "Obviously, Corey is a star. He's going to do really well if he debates any Democrat, Shaheen."

And if by "star" Ronna means a raging dickhead who once got arrested for bringing a gun into a congressional office building, grabbed a (Breitbart!) reporter and threw her on the ground during the 2016 campaign, slapped a woman's ass at a Trump gala and laughed that it was allowed in the "private sector," suggested that the current Republican governor of New Hampshire is associated with Hamas, and ran around on the mother of his four kids with a much younger campaign staffer, then your Wonkette is entirely in agreement.

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Post-Racial America

Corey Lewandowski, Who Has Absolutely No Skeletons In His Closet, May Run For NH Senate

Oh, noes!

Ye gods, not Corey Lewandowski! It would be so terrible if he decided to challenge New Hampshire Democratic Senator Jeanne Shaheen next year. With his formidable resume and endorsement by Donald Trump, he'd be a shoo-in!

Sure this scrappy conservative's political career got off to a rocky start with his 7,157-7 loss in the 1994 Massachusetts House of Representatives race. But look how much he improved his margin by 2012 when he only lost the race to be treasurer of Windham, New Hampshire by, 1,941-714. All he does is win!

Well, except for that time in 1997 when he forgot about the loaded handgun in his laundry bag and got arrested and charged with a misdemeanor when he tried to bring it into the Longworth House Office Building. Who carries a loaded handgun in a laundry bag? Who brings his laundry to Congress? Corey Lewandowski, that's who!

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2020 presidential election

John Hickenlooper, We Didn't Even Know Her!

OK, needs work.

Former Colorado governor John Hickenlooper, unable to make enough headway in fundraising and polling to have much shot at qualifying for the September Democratic presidential primary debates, is planning to drop out of the presidential race today, according to several reports. Hickenlooper is eyeing a run for US Senate against incumbent Republican Cory Gardner, although he's not expected to address a Senate run when he announces his withdrawal today. After Hickenlooper bows out today, there'll only be one Colorado Democrat making a doomed run for the presidency. Call yourself a big politics nerd if you can name him! (Okay, you're a big politics nerd!)

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Post-Racial America

Republicans Shocked SHOCKED At Steve King Saying That Part Out Loud

They don't know her!

Oh, NOW the GOP wants to get rid of Steve King? Not when he accused undocumented immigrants of being drug smugglers with "calves the size of cantaloupes"? Not when he referred to the torture of prisoners at Abu Ghraib as "hazing"? Not when he said Muslims shouldn't be allowed to work in meat-packing plants? Not when he suggested cutting food stamps "for people who have not worked in three generations"? Not when he suggested using electrified cattle fences to keep out migrants? Not when he said, "We can't restore our civilization with somebody else's babies"? Not when he referred to Mexican immigrants as "dirt"? Not when he spewed his poison about white genocide and the "great replacement" theory?

All that was merely distasteful, a shame, inappropriate, tut tut. But now that he's facing a rematch against J.D. Scholten, after barely eking out a three-point win in an R+11 district last year, now they want him gone?

There aren't enough jerk off gifs in the world for this bullshit.

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2020 Congressional Elections

John Cornyn Really Really Really Really Really Really REALLY Doesn't Want Beto To Run For Senate

BETO, YOU WERE BORN TO DO THIS.

This is ... pathetic.

You need a "Stand Against Beto Fund" to tell Beto O'Rourke that Texas does not want him to run for Senate, just in case Beto decides to run for Senate, which would be so bad that you need an extra fund, even though Texas does not want that? OK, buddy! We feel like we can see where you are coming from, John Cornyn! You're fuckin' scared.

The tweet linked below goes to an editorial from the Houston Chronicle imploring Beto to do just that. Come home. Run for Senate. WIN. As one might expect, they talked about the "what the fuck" heard 'round the world, when a journalist decided to ask him if Donald Trump's batshit eliminationist rhetoric about Hispanic invasions might be linked to a white guy driving hours and hours to murder Hispanic people, and publishing a manifesto on the internet that literally quoted the president's (and Fox News's) invasion rhetoric. "What the fuck," indeed.

The Chronicle addresses the obvious elephant in the room, which is that, so far at least, Beto's presidential bid hasn't worked out the way Vanity Fair thought it might. And that's OK. We guess his fortunes could turn around, but ... yeah no probably not.

However, we keep seeing things about the GOP losing its fucking marbles over Texas (we had a thing on it last week, partially about the insane number of Texas Republican congressmen who are getting the fuck out of Dodge before they get kicked out, and Politico has a new thing on it this week), and the more we think about it, the more we think Beto does need to be on Texas's ballot if we want 2020 to be the year when we finally tip Texas over and make it blue. Not saying he's the only one who could do it, but that we'd have a damn good shot at it.

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Everywhere Else News

The 2019 Puerto Rico Governor Hunger Games Have A Winner! (For Now)

Give it a day.

So Puerto Rico has now had three governors (the equivalent of the president in any other country) in a week. Take that, mainland United States Congress!!!

After the Puerto Rico Supreme Court found that Pedro Pierluisi was unconstitutionally sworn-in as governor and told to him vacate La Fortaleza (The Fortress, the name of the governor's mansion in Old San Juan), Wanda Vazquez Garced became the Governor of Puerto Rico. On his way out, Pierluisi released a taped statement that appeared to be filmed in front of a green screen:

Or on the set of Lex Luthor's library in Richard Donner's Superman.

Even had Otis doing sign language!

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Everywhere Else News

Siri, Who Is The Governor Of Puerto Rico?

Your Mini-Constitutional Crisis Update!

When we last checked in with the United States most ignored favorite colony, Puerto Rico had just forced their governor, Ricardo Rosselló, to announce his resignation effective August 2 after weeks of intense protests. The protests were sparked by years of corruption and 889 pages of leaked chats involving the governor, secretary of state, and other top officials. This forced many in the administration to resign and, after a disastrous Fox News interview, Rosselló soon joined them. But this was not a tidy happy ending.

Because the secretary of state (second in line for the governorship) resigned prior to Rosselló, there was no clear answer who was next in the line of succession. By Article IV of the Constitution of Puerto Rico, Secretary of Justice Wanda Vázquez Garced would have been the next governor until the 2020 elections. But amid protests due to various scandals and controversies outlined by the New York Times (and probably not wanting to be in charge in a shitshow), Ms. Vázquez Garced announced she didn't want the job.

With the deadline bearing down, Rosselló announced July 31 that he had chosen Pedro Pierluisi Urrutia as the new secretary of state to fill the vacancy left by Luis G. Rivera Marín. This effectively made him the next in line and successor as governor, so crisis averted! Just kidding.

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Science

Florida (Congress) Man Gonna Sniff These Bath Salts And Argue About Climate Change

He seems fun.

Meet first-term Congressman Ross Spano, who was elected to represent the 15th District of Florida just last year. In a teevee interview on WFLA Sunday, Rep. Spano said he's not convinced humans are causing climate change, and what's more, it really bugs him that people like him who reject the consensus of scientists get portrayed as idiots. It's just not fair, he says! If only there were some way for him to find out more about the topic, perhaps he would be convinced! But although he readily admits to knowing very little about it, and seems disinclined to learn, he gets to make laws about energy and environmental policy, and isn't that what makes America great?

Here's the clip of the gentleman beclowning himself on a local interview show, "Politics On Your Side." Every expense was spared by the WFLA production team, and it shows!

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News

Republicans SHOOK About Texas. No, Not The El Paso Attack, It's Something Else.

All these Republican congressmen from Texas retiring, makes you wonder how bad their internal polling really is.

Y'all, Republicans are shitting their everloving pants about Texas. And as we said in that headline, NO, SILLY, we don't mean the El Paso terrorist attack. They are thoughts-ing and prayers-ing about that, and a couple of them are even saying, "White supremacists are bad, MMKAY?" But that doesn't rise to the level of SHOOK.

What they are SHOOK about is the fact that 2020 could actually, possibly, theoretically, if the stars align just perfectly, be the year Texas inches itself over into the blue column. Nobody wants to say that out loud, because we've been hearing for hundreds of millions of years now that one of these days, and it won't be long, Texas will become a purple state, and then a blue state, by force of pure demographics alone. It is definitely going to happen, we just don't know exactly when. But in possibly related news, yet another Texas Republican, Kenny Marchant of the 24th district in the Dallas suburbs has announced he will not seek re-election to Congress in 2020. He's the fourth Texas Republican to make that decision, after Will Hurd, Pete Olson and Mike Conaway.

As the New York Times notes, Conaway's district is full-on wingnut, but Hurd and Olson represent districts that very well might oughta flip with their Republican incumbents bowing out. Hurd's district, TX-23, is enormous, stretches along the border from the San Antonio suburbs to the El Paso suburbs, and is majority Hispanic. It's almost a certain pick-up for Democrats. Olson's district, TX-22, is Houston suburbs. Things could change there too.

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Post-Racial America

Black Republican Will Hurd Plans To Make GOP More Diverse By Leaving

We never said it was a good plan.

We told you last week about the House Republicans who'd decided to retire rather than go down in flames with Donald Trump in 2020. One of them is Teas Rep. Will Hurd, who is the GOP's only black House member, leaving Senator Tim Scott as the only black Republican in Congress. We guess he got lonely without having Mia Love to sit with in the House cafeteria.

Hurd survived the 2018 blue wave because Beto O'Rourke stuck with the bro code and refused to endorse Democrat Gina Ortiz Jones, who lost by just 926 votes. Hurd went on to vote with Trump 51 percent of the time, which is a steep drop from his 94 percent toadying during the previous congressional session. We still think Jones was the better choice. She was up for a rematch but will now face whatever creep the GOP runs in Hurd's place.

You might assume Hurd is quitting because he represents a district Hillary Clinton won in 2016 and O'Rourke might be too pissed off with Trump to help him out this time. Rather than go through all the trouble of running for re-election and losing, he can coast to the finish line and prepare to re-enter the private sector. Besides, as Hurd sort of admitted on "Face the Nation" yesterday, Congress sucks.

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Congress

House Republicans All Quitting Congress Now, Something Something DEMS IN DISARRAY!

Don't let the door hit you in the ass.

Golly, there must be something in the air that's telling House Republicans to GTFO, because so far, this congressional recess has been a story of Republicans, one after the other, announcing that it's just TERRIBLE HORRIBLE NO GOOD VERY BAD to be in the minority, and they must feel there is approximately one tiny snowball's chance in hell that they're going to take back the House in 2020, so they are all quitting to spend more time with their families or with the sweet lobbying ca$h they intend to Hoover into their mouth holes the second they are done being "public servants."

Or maybe they are all in Epstein's safe, we don't know. Whatever! (We highly doubt it's that. Republicans? Having sex scandals? PSHAW YOU GET OUTTA HERE.)

We didn't know what was up last week during the Robert Mueller hearing in the House Intelligence Committee, when Rep. Mike Conaway of Texas -- a powerful member of the minority on that committee -- decided he didn't want to ask questions, and instead yielded his time to John Ratcliffe, the latest dumbfuckingliar object of Donald Trump's affection, who may or may not be confirmed as the next director of national intelligence. Maybe he figured who fuckin' cares, because he had already decided he is tired of this shit and he is LEAVING. He is the fifth House Republican to announce that in recent days!

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2020 Congressional Elections

Can Ilhan Omar's GOP Challenger Steal Her Seat Like She (ALLEGEDLY) Stole 279 Items From Target?

We don't think Omar has much to worry about here.

Republicans consider Rep. Ilhan Omar the greatest threat to democracy since fair elections. They've accused the Minnesota congresswoman of hating Jews, America, and Irving Berlin songs about America. We expect that they'll do everything in their power to unseat Omar in 2020. They're bringing out the serious, heavy artillery. Meet Omar's Republican challenger, Danielle Stella.

Wow.

So, obviously, something's a little off about Stella and not just in the "I believe in trickle-down economics" sense. We're not going to drag her too mercilessly. She's not some common Megs McCabe. Stella is a special education teacher (that's nice!) whose policy positions include loving on Donald Trump, defending the rights of conservatives to say whatever bigoted crap they want online without consequence, and Second Amendment fetishism. Predictably, she opposes abortion rights and believes "choice starts in the bedroom." She doesn't specify where in your home choice ends. We'd guess the laundry room. There's only so much you can do there.

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White Nonsense

Chris Wallace Sh*ts All Over Stephen Miller, So That's 'Sad'

It's the Sunday Show Rundown!

El Presidente Trumpito's syphilis-addled brain tweets from last week, when he told four congresswomen of color ("The Squad," Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Ayanna Pressley) to "go back where you came from," sent Republicans on a weeklong Circe De SuRacists acrobatics to excuse it.

We went from Kellyanne Conway's impromptu Ancestry.com with journalists to racists at a Trump rally chanting "Send Her Back" which Trump basked in before trying to gaslight people into believing he opposed to it only to later follow it with "sorry not sorry" while doubling down. Normally, any sane person would let this die down so the media/news cycle could move on. But norms don't exist, President Fucksquib is not a sane person, and time is a flat circle we are doomed to repeat.

Living these 2 1/2 years really ages you...

Giphy

So early Sunday morning, while probably fast food constipated, Donnie decided to tweet:

So who better to speak about racism than Trump's own Wormtongue, Stephen Miller, on "Fox News Sunday" with Chris Wallace.

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News

Alabama GOP Senate Candidate Says Less Buttsex, More Gunsmoke, PEW PEW PEW!

Is this a winning platform for Alabama? Sure why not.

Let's check in on the GOP Senate primary in Alabama! Did you know that accused kid toucher Roy Moore has primary opponents? That's right, Alabama Republicans aren't just gonna let him Stranger Danger his way into office without a fight. We'd like to introduce you to one of his opponents, current Alabama Secretary of State John Merrill, who, unlike Moore, hasn't been accused of touching any kids -- to our knowledge, but this is Alabama, so who knows! -- but who, like Moore, has some bizarre thoughts about the homosexuals. Specifically he is tired of seeing them on his television, and would like to see more "Gunsmoke" on the TV instead.

Is "Less Buttsex, More Gunsmoke" a winning platform for Alabama? Probably sure why not! It's a very serious state, after all.

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