See, Sara Gideon? That's the ad.
There's a short list of politicians who could make Joe Lieberman look like a hero. The perpetually “very troubled" Susan Collins is one of them. Politico writer Michael Grunwald was feeling nostalgic while social distancing and recalled on Twitter that the Maine senator had declared funding for pandemic flu preparation a “non starter" during the debate over Barack Obama's 2009 stimulus package. Collins's likely Democratic opponent, Sara Gideon, should feel free to classify this as an “in-kind" donation to her Senate campaign.
AOC's video is well-worth watching, regardless of your primary candidate.
Joe Biden continued his march toward the Democratic nomination Tuesday, which is great news for
John McCain Biden but less exciting news for Bernie Sanders. I can appreciate the urge to rejoice when a candidate you don't like crashes and burns, but we shouldn't forget that every Democratic primary candidate, except for Tulsi Gabbard, had supporters who were passionate about their campaign and were devastated to see it end. Hell, even Gabbard inspired folks to donate hard-earned rubles to her ingrown toenail campaign, and they're likely drowning their tears in Stolichnaya right now.
Tuesday night, on her Instagram live chat, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez shared some nice words of comfort for Sanders supporters, many of whom are young and perhaps first-time voters. Ocasio-Cortez wanted to lift their spirits and keep their eyes on the larger prize of removing Donald Trump from office. She took the time to do this while some people on Twitter were "joking" about conducting a "wellness check" on her, Rashia Tlaib, Ilhan Omar, and other prominent Sanders supporters. Look, I get that a lot of "Bernie Bros" showed their asses online and in public, but to borrow from Nietzsche, if you gaze too long into the Twitter abyss, the abyss gazes back into you with suicide "humor."
Somewhere, Coretta Scott King is pointing and laughing.
The moment Jeff Sessions shamelessly debased himself to avoid finally came. Tuesday, Donald Trump officially endorsed Tommy Tuberville in the runoff election on March 31. Tuberville has greatly impressed Trump with his bold platform of not being Jeff Sessions.
Trump reminded voters that Tuberville was once a "terrific" head football coach at Auburn University, and although this makes Tuberville more qualified for political office than Trump himself, that's a very low bar. Every line of Trump's endorsement is a not-so-subtle dig at Sessions: Tuberville is "a REAL LEADER who will never let MAGA/KAG, or our Country down," unlike Sessions who betrayed Trump when he remained loyal to his oath of office.
Democrats elected women of color! Plus, dogs and cats are living together! It's mass hysteria!
There's an invisible plague spreading across the nation, and our leaders seem defenseless to stop it. No, we're not talking about the coronavirus. We mean socialism — big bad, scary socialism. Fortunately for all Americans who don't enjoy bread lines, the Republican Party is here to save us from an overhyped, toothless enemy.
The National Republican Congressional Committee just released a video titled "We Never Back Down from a Fight." It confronts the scourge of socialism with the sobriety of your classic anti-marijuana and anti-robot sex propaganda films. Like all horror movies, it begins with four women of color who were elected to Congress in 2018: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Ayanna Pressley, and Rashida Tlaib. The narrator, who you can almost hear pissing his pants as he speaks, declares that this "wasn't what America voted for" — although, that is exactly what some Americans voted for and the Squad can prove it. Women of color can't just show up at the Capitol without a long-form copy of their election results.
Kindly Florida Woman Changes Voters' Registration To Republican, Sparing Them Eternal Damnation In Socialist Hell
She'll likely do less time than the black woman who voted by accident.
Cheryl A. Hall of Florida (of course) was charged Thursday with the crime of conjuring up Republican voters from thin air. This magic trick involved filling out voter registration forms with false information and enrolling at least six Democratic and independent voters in the Republican Party without their consent.
Hall worked for the voter registration group Florida First, which received much of its funding from America First Policies. The solipsistic name should clue you in that the organization supports Donald Trump. Last year, America First Policies declared its plans to invest $20 million on voter registration.
"There are millions of patriotic Americans who believe in the America First movement, but aren't registered to vote," said America First Policies President Brian O. Walsh. "Returning power to the people requires an active, engaged citizenry. Let your voice be heard. Join the movement. Register today."
This was a stark change from the normal Republican tactics of actively preventing people from voting. Hall believed in America First's mission so fully she didn't just register new voters, she made them Republicans at the same time! No fuss, no muss! It's unclear if she also subscribed them to So You No Longer Care About Your Fellow Humans magazine.
Time to get our shit together and win this.
BuzzFeed has an excellent piece this week, written by the co-founders of Run For Something, on what to do if your favorite candidate does not win the nomination, especially if you hate the person who ends up with it. (There is nobody left in the race that is worse than Donald Trump. Fuck you, there just isn't. And no, Tulsi does not count, but even she is probably marginally better than Trump.) This may be even more pertinent now that Elizabeth Warren has officially dropped out of the race, for some Wonkette folks. The short answer in the BuzzFeed piece is VOTE BLUE NO MATTER WHO — because to be clear, if we may shamelessly steal verbiage from one of our Facebook friends, not voting for the Democratic nominee is a racist and sexist act against the people who have been most hurt by the Trump presidency — but it's also a good primer on getting involved in down-ballot races.
Yes, that means state congressional races and nearby national congressional races, and it's even about the school board. But in 2020, it's also, especially, about the Senate, in order to give our hopeful eventual Democratic president Democratic control in both houses of Congress, so that together they may accomplish good things for America and pull us out of the shitpool of authoritarianism and racism Trump has put us in.
To remind everyone of the math: The current Senate is 53-47, controlled by Mitch McConnell and the GOP. If Trump were to steal re-election, we'd need four seats in the Senate to take the majority. If Trump loses, as he by all indicators should, we need three, with Vice President Stacey Abrams (or whoever) breaking the tie. Just to be safe, we should be aiming for more than all that, partially because it's just smart, and partially because we need to be prepared for Alabama Senator Doug Jones to lose, because come on, it is Alabama, and they didn't pick the accused kid-toucher in their primary on Super Tuesday. We need to be involved in all these Senate races, helping however we can.
On that note, there is hopeful news in the world of #PollPorn, and we will tell you it, are you ready? According to Public Policy Polling, the Democrat is ahead by at least four points in four of the most watched Senate races:
Let the hypocritical pearl-clutching commence!
Chief Justice Roberts — the man I will forever blame for demolishing voting rights because of how he did that — got up his in feels yesterday over comments Chuck Schumer made at an abortion rights rally earlier in the day. The Court is hearing arguments about June Medical Services v. Russo, an abortion-related case that might result in Louisiana having zero abortion clinics. The Senate minority leader is normally meek and non-confrontational. He sells the Democratic agenda like Jack Lemmon sold real estate in Glengarry Glen Ross, but someone must've spiked Schumer's egg cream with piss and vinegar. You love to see it.
SCHUMER: I want to tell you [Justice Neil] Gorsuch. I want to tell you [Justice Brett] Kavanaugh. You have released the whirlwind and you will pay the price. You won't know what hit you if you go forward with these awful decisions.
Holy crap! Schumer stood outside the Supreme Court building and threatened fierce, bloody vengeance against Justices Gorsuch and Kavanaugh. Whatever happened to pure ethics and nice manners? Whatever happened to class? Donald Trump's failed impeachment made Schumer crack. He's gone gangster! Or — and let's walk through this together — he's literally just quoting Kavanaugh's own words back at him.
During Kavanaugh's Senate confirmation hearings, the credibly accused attempted rapist charged Democrats with orchestrating a political hit job against him. He had no real evidence of this, but it wasn't like he was applying for an important job in the legal profession. Once he'd reached full diva, Kavanaugh claimed Democrats had "sowed the wind for decades to come. I fear that the whole country will reap the whirlwind."
Thanks for finally (maybe!) listening to sense.
Montana Governor Steve Bullock, who in December ended his Quixotic bid to become the Tim Ryan di tutti Tim Ryans, appears to be close to finally deciding he'll run for the US Senate after all, according to "three Democratic officials" who spoke to the New York Times. Bullock has been lobbied to run for the Senate this year by top party apparatchiks like Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, and the Times notes Bullock even took time out from a DC meeting of the National Governors Association to meet with Barack Obama last month. Yr Wonkette prefers to think it was our own repeated calls for Bullock to run for the Senate that did the trick, though, especially Yr Editrix's nice Montana-based open letter reminding him not to disappoint her army of bees.
Bullock himself hasn't made any formal announcements, but if he's gonna run, he'd better hurry up. Monday is Montana's filing deadline.
Jeff Sessions advances to runoff election for his old job.
Mall-cruising pervert and racist creep Roy Moore will not have his desired rematch with Sen. Doug Jones. Alabama Republicans soundly rejected Moore, who is projected to come in a distant fourth in Tuesday's Senate primary. This is a blow to Democrats who believed Jones's best shot at keeping his seat was Republicans being dumb enough to nominate Moore again.
It's not yet decided who Jones will face in November. Trump's former attorney general and favorite punching bag, Jeff Sessions, tried to get his old job back, but he placed second behind former Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville. The upside for Sessions is that six other candidates were running and they weren't all Roy Moore. Tuberville was unable to win a majority, so Sessions will advance with him to a runoff election later this month. Trump won Alabama by 27 points. He's still incredibly popular in a state that occasionally makes Roy Moore its Republican nominee for Senate. Four years ago, Sessions snubbed Ted Cruz and endorsed Trump just before Super Tuesday, but Trump doesn't remember (or pay) his debts. He only harbors grudges. Sessions wouldn't serve as his personal lawyer, like a common Bill Barr, so Trump will continue to publicly humiliate Sessions whenever it's convenient. This morning was very convenient.
The Devil went down to Georgia, he said, "Hi, I'm from the National Republican Senatorial Committee. Let me help you cut some super-fuckin' racist ads against one of your own."
And it sure looks like the Georgia GOP will be getting that fiddle of gold! Check this out.
Doug Collins wants you to think he's a conservative. But before last August when a senate seat opened up, he was far less supportive of the president.
Hold up! That guy talks like Boomhauer on speed, but we're pretty sure we'd remember if he'd announced his support for Mexican gaybortions while prostrating himself at Nancy Pelosi's feet. The supercut of Collins saying he doesn't agree with everything Trump does, as a prelude to an obvious defense of the latest indefensible assault on democracy -- minus the defense -- is also a nice touch.
But HOLY WILLIE HORTON, what is this shit?
Credit where credit is due.
Yesterday at CPAC, Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz announced that he will no longer accept money from political action committees, better known as PACs. And while we are no fans of Matt Gaetz, we will acknowledge that this is a good thing. Even padded with Trump-humping and digs at socialism, this was an impressive speech.
This PAC donation process, with the expectation of exchanging money for favors, renders public service, which should be the noblest of professions, dangerously close to the oldest profession. I've never turned tricks for Washington PACs, but as of this very moment, I will not pick up their money in the nightstand anymore. I will never again accept a donation from a federal political action committee. Not one red cent. The American people are my one and only special interest.
You gotta give it up for Matt Gaetz. Not because it's a huge hit for his congressional campaign, which it isn't. This cycle, he's taken in a whopping $43,550 from PACs. He doesn't need the money anyway, since his seat is in one of the reddest districts in the country, and he can hold it forever for about eight bucks, particularly because he gets infinity free media appearing on Fox every other day preaching the gospel of Jesus Trump and yowling about socialism.
You never come for Rep. McBath. You just don't.
Mike Bloomberg donated a crazy amount of money to Democratic candidates in 2018. That was very much appreciated. Unfortunately, at the Democratic debate Tuesday, Bloomberg might've accidentally on purpose implied that he owned the new Nancy Pelosi-led House.
BLOOMBERG: Let's just go on the record. They talk about 40 Democrats. Twenty one of those are people that I spent a hundred million dollars to help elect. All of the new Democrats that came in and put Nancy Pelosi in charge and gave the Congress the ability to control this president, I bough — I, I got them.
Just get Bloomberg a monocle and a top hat and he's Mr. Billionaire, the cackling lead in a political satire co-written by Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren. It's bad enough that Bloomberg is assuming ownership for the blue wave, but his slip of the tongue is a gift to Republicans who'll -- without any sense of irony -- shame Democrats for accepting his money.
In related news, Dr. Ronny used to hide vegetables inside Donald Trump's food. Dr. Ronny is also running for Congress.
Dr. Ronny L. Jackson is running in the GOP primary to replace Mac Thornberry as the congressman for Texas's 13th District. It's one of the most conservative in the country, with a Republican partisan lean of 33 points, which is why the primary is filled with 15 anti-abortion, anti-immigration, Trump-huffing candidates. Jackson, of course, was once Donald Trump's White House physician and was probably somewhat qualified because Trump didn't hire him. He was a holdover from Barack Obama's administration, but Jackson hopes the good people of Texas's 13th will forgive him for helping to keep Obama alive and focus instead on how tight he is with the current president.
Jackson boasts that he's the only one "who can walk in the Oval Office unannounced and say, 'Sir, I need you to stop what you're doing and listen to me,' and he will stop what he's doing and listen to me." Far be it for us to suggest that Jackson is full of shit, but Trump doesn't seem like someone who pays that much attention to medical advice. Jackson claims one of his biggest regrets is that he left his job as the mad king's physician before he could moderately alter Trump's Caligula-like lifestyle.
How many times are you gonna make Chuck Schumer beg?
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is desperate to flip the Senate. Unfortunately, he's had trouble convincing Democrats in some key states to join this noble cause. Stacey Abrams wasn't interested in challenging David Perdue in Georgia, despite having equal favorability. Beto O'Rourke has declined to run against John Cornyn in Texas. But Schumer still hopes Montana Governor Steve Bullock will come to his senses and help save the nation. Bullock, a former presidential candidate, has insisted that the Senate isn't for him. Still, the filing deadline is two weeks away. Maybe Bullock will do the right thing like a common John Hickenlooper.
Schumer met with Bullock in Montana last weekend. We don't know the extent of Schumer's begging or whether it had any effect on Bullock, who we assume doesn't enjoy seeing grown men cry. You'd think convincing people to run for Senate would be the easiest part of Schumer's job, but it's like he's out there selling vacuum cleaners. The Democrats who've turned their noses up at the Senate claim that it's just not a place you go if you're interested in accomplishing anything useful. O'Rourke even called out Schumer by name when he was running for president, and that name was feckless Chuck.
BETO: Ask Chuck Schumer what he's been able to get done ... We still don't have [universal] background checks. Didn't have them when he was in the majority, either. So, you know, the game that he's played, the politics that he's pursued have given us absolutely nothing and have produced a situation where we lose nearly 40,000 of our fellow Americans every year..
Don't we have enough of those guys already?
Will Hurd of Texas, the GOP's lone black Republican congressman, announced in August of last year that he wasn't running for re-election. Some of us were naive enough to believe Hurd might feel free to recognize his constitutional duties and vote to impeach Donald Trump for all those crimes he committed in plain sight. Instead, Hurd readied himself for his Fox News closeup. He claimed that "weaponizing impeachment" would set a dangerous precedent where presidents, regardless of political party, might have to obey the law.
HURD: We have 435 folks in the House, 100 senators. That means there's 535 definitions for impeachment. I've sat through the hundreds of hours of depositions and hearings and didn't see any evidence presented of bribery or extortion.
Republicans are bummed that they're going to lose such a colossal moral failure in a bland, unassuming package. Hurd's district, which is majority Hispanic, is competitive. But potentially losing one swing seat is a small price to pay so Hurd can work on losing many other seats across the country. Hurd's already filmed a video for the Future Leaders Fund, a super PAC his former campaign manager, Justin Hollis, leads. The Future Leaders Fund is "determined to create a diverse crop of future elected officials to be ambassadors to our party."
It's the Sunday Shows Rundown!
A few days ago, it was reported that it seems the Russians are meddling in the 2020 elections, like they did in 2016, favoring Donald Trump. This (of course) pissed off our Authoritarian-In-Chief and he fired acting (aren't they all) Director of National Intelligence Joseph Maguire and replaced him with an idiot loyalist, Ambassador to Germany Ric Grenell. Trump also did one of his White House lawn presser shout interviews denying the intelligence while blaming Democrats like House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff, who rightfully criticized him. So this week on the Sunday shows, we got multiple appearances from Trump officials Robert O'Brien and Marc Short, telling America what they really want us to hear about that so-called intelligence.
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