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Win A Free Toaster With A $10K Deposit! Tabs, Tuesday, Feb. 25, 2020

Tabs, tabs, everywhere are tabs!

It's Tabs Tuesday, which is a thing I just made up. Strap yourselves in because we have access to thrilling stories on all available Internets.

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The Nevada caucus results are finally, 100 percent in, and Bernie Sanders beat all comers. The Vermont senator walked away with 24 of the state's 36 delegates. Joe Biden was second, and Pete Buttigieg came in third. (Washington Post)

Buttigieg is currently polling fourth in South Carolina. It's not the best trend line for the South Bend, Indiana mayor as the primaries advance toward Super Tuesday. (NBC News)

Tom Steyer, who's polling third in South Carolina, just qualified for the Democratic primary debate in Charleston Tuesday. He just needs to avoid standing next to Sanders and Mike Bloomberg and he'll be fine. (The Hill)

Oregon Reps. Greg Barreto, Vikki Breese Iverson, and E. Werner Reschke are the "honorary state chairs" for Donald Trump's campaign. Trump lost Oregon by 10 points, but everyone needs a hobby. Barreto, Iverson, and Reschke represent the non-"Portlandia" portions of the state. MAGA-loving Oregonians have so far donated $466,000 to Trump's campaign, which is just $2,000 shy of what Elizabeth Warren and Buttigieg have received from Oregonian supporters. (The Oregonian)

There are now more than 200 reported cases of the coronavirus in Italy, and at least seven people have died. Italy has the worst outbreak of the disease in Europe and has imposed quarantine restrictions. (Sky News)

Dana Mustafa was arrested on a Saturday flight from Frankfurt, Germany, to Washington, D.C. She was what professionals would diagnose as "drunk off her ass." She freaked out on the plane and claimed that she was distraught because her family had just been killed by a drunk driver. She later admitted to federal agents that she made up the "oldie but a goodie" story about the dead family. (Washington Post)

Mike Bloomberg's campaign headquarters in Flint, Michigan, and Youngstown, Ohio, were apparently vandalized with "Eat the Rich" and "Oligarch" signs. We don't support these shenanigans but we also don't think the Sanders campaign invented the graffiti arts. (Twitter)

Captain America himself, Chris Evans, is in talks to play the sadistic dentist in a new film version of Little Shop of Horrors. Scarlett Johansson might also be involved, but what's really matters is that Billy Porter will play carnivorous plant, Audrey II. Greg Berlanti ("Flash," "Supergirl") is set to direct. Let's hope they keep the 1986 version's bleak original ending. (The Hollywood Reporter)

There's a problem with Antebellum plantations receiving positions of honor in the National Register of Historic Places without any mention of slavery. It's probably just an oversight. The only plantation worth visiting, I think, is the Whitney Plantation in Louisiana, just outside of New Orleans. It actually centers the enslaved people whose torture and bondage made all those cotillions possible. (Time)

Michael Jordan's eulogy for the late Kobe Bryant will make you cry. Don't make this one a meme, though. (Sports Illustrated)

Vanessa Bryant, Kobe's widow, has filed a wrongful death suit against the helicopter company that owned the aircraft that crashed on January 26 and killed the basketball star and their 13-year-old daughter, Gianna. Seven other people also died that day. (LA Times)

NASA mathematician Katherine Johnson died Monday. She was 101, which is a damn good run. Johnson was one of the first black women to work as a NASA scientist, and the sister's genius with numbers helped mankind venture into space and land on the moon. She was an actual American hero who received the Presidential Medal of Freedom from an actual human president. (Charleston Gazette-Mail)

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fox news

Judge Jeanine Harassing New Yorkers About Whether Trump Or Bloomberg Would #BeBest At 'Construction Worker'

According to one guy she talked to, Trump would win this contest. Mike Bloomberg would have to settle for just swimming in his billions.

This weekend, Fox News's Jeanine Pirro explored the possibility of a "subway series" presidential race between New Yorkers Donald Trump and Mike Bloomberg. Technically, the president is no longer a New York resident. He moved to Florida last year with Melania Trump, as seen in the opening credits of "Green Acres." Pirro didn't let this small snag in her premise hold back her latest edition of "Street Justice," which is a lot like Jay Leno's old "Jaywalking" segments but with more overt humor.

Pirro described a Bloomberg/Trump matchup as a "scrapple in the apple," which is an expression that makes no sense. She asked New Yorkers who they preferred --"New York City's mayor" Bloomberg or "New York City's president" Trump. This was already off to a flawed start: New York City's true president is Hillary Clinton, who won 86 percent of the vote there in 2016.

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Russia

Trump Officials Say They Have 'No Intelligence' ... Stop Laughing, They Are Serious!

It's the Sunday Shows Rundown!

A few days ago, it was reported that it seems the Russians are meddling in the 2020 elections, like they did in 2016, favoring Donald Trump. This (of course) pissed off our Authoritarian-In-Chief and he fired acting (aren't they all) Director of National Intelligence Joseph Maguire and replaced him with an idiot loyalist, Ambassador to Germany Ric Grenell. Trump also did one of his White House lawn presser shout interviews denying the intelligence while blaming Democrats like House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff, who rightfully criticized him. So this week on the Sunday shows, we got multiple appearances from Trump officials Robert O'Brien and Marc Short, telling America what they really want us to hear about that so-called intelligence.

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2020 presidential election

Clint Eastwood Might Vote For Different Empty Chair Than Trump This Time

Eastwood wants a more 'genteel' president like ... Mike Bloomberg?

Hollywood tough guy Clint Eastwood once frightened an empty chair into submission at the 2012 Republican National Convention. After that sad scene, there was nowhere for the party to go but Trump.

Eastwood now has misgivings about the president. In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, Eastwood said that while he approves of "certain things" Donald Trump has done, he'd prefer that the president behave "in a more genteel way, without tweeting and calling people names." Yes, Dirty Harry said "genteel" like he's a common Cary Grant.

This is a big change from barely four years ago when Eastwood expressed his support for Trump over serial email murderer Hillary Clinton. It disturbed Eastwood that Clinton declared she was going to "follow in Obama's footsteps." Unfortunately, Eastwood wasn't in the market for "genteel" back then, because Obama certainly has genteel footsteps.

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2020 democratic primary

Sanders Won Nevada, But No One Needs To Be A Chris Matthews About It

Here, let me try to allay some of your concerns!

So! Bernie Sanders won the Nevada caucus' yesterday, and by a lot. He's got 46% of the vote so far, and Biden, who came in second, has only 19%. Sanders is now the first candidate in history to have won the popular vote in the first three primaries, and the numbers nerds at 538 (whom I am still quite skeptical of after 2016) are currently predicting that he will win every primary except Minnesota (Klobuchar), Alabama (Biden), Mississippi (Biden) and Florida (Bloomberg). In each of these states, they predict he will come in second.

Am I excited about this? HELL YES I AM. Sure, I pulled for Warren for most of this primary but I am also super jazzed about Sanders. I love Medicare for All. I love that he has a plan to house the homeless (this is an extremely important thing to me). I love that he wants to give amnesty to all undocumented immigrants, that he wants to raise the minimum wage to $15, that he wants to implement the Green New Deal, that he wants to eliminate all student debt and subsidize public colleges, that he wants to institute a national rent control standard, and frankly, I just genuinely like him as a person.

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2020 democratic primary

Can We All Agree That Barack Obama Should Never Follow Bill Kristol's Consistently Bad Advice?

We don't even recommend Republicans listen to Kristol.

Bill Kristol thinks it's time for Barack Obama to get off his ass and save America from Donald Trump or, more immediately, Bernie Sanders and his scourge of universal heath coverage. Kristol isn't the only white person who wants to recall our last legitimate president to active service. However, his argument is the most irritating and obnoxious.

There's so much stupid to unpack here. Yes, Obama routing Clinton in the 2008 South Carolina was a key victory for him, but he did that all by himself. Joe Biden didn't help him pull the sword from the stone. Kristol can't even mask his contempt for Obama while asking him for a favor. It's not surprising because Kristol never thought much of Obama. During his farewell address, Obama said that serving the American people made him a "better president" and a "better man," and Kristol all but called him an egomaniac. This was just a week before Trump would infect the White House, and Kristol was still playing the popular conservative parlor game of "Everything Obama Does Is Wrong."

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Media/Entertainment

We Need To Talk About Dick Van Dyke And His Collection Of Animatronic Dick Van Dykes

Also this is your open thread!

The Bernie Sanders campaign put out a video last night, featuring Dick Van Dyke, star of The Dick Van Dyke Show, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Bye Bye Birdie and, of course, Mary Poppins, talking about why he is voting for Sanders in the 2020 Democratic primary. Some may consider this good news, others may be so furious about it that they will never watch an episode of Diagnosis: Murder ever again. Still other people might be like "Who?," but screw them, they are monsters.

The ad is a plea from Van Dyke, who calls this the most important election since World War II, to older people to join him in voting for Sanders. It includes a very nice moment of him dragging Trump in a manner any of us should find very satisfying regardless of who we are voting for, and a very cute moment at the end where the 94-year-old legend says, about the 78-year-old Senator, "I think somebody young like Bernie is just a perfect candidate."

But regardless of how you feel about Bernie Sanders, I am going to need to draw your attention to some very important things in this video.

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Trump

President Klan Robe So Sad The Oscars Aren't Hella Racist Like He Is

Trump probably still thinks 'Birth of a Nation' was robbed.

It's easy with all the corruption and shredding of institutional norms to forget that Donald Trump is also a sickening racist. During his rally Thursday night in Colorado Springs, Colorado, the president of the United States went on an Archie Bunker-style rant about the Oscar-winning film Parasite.

TRUMP: How bad were the Academy Awards this year? Did you see it?

The MAGA crowd booed the very mention of the Oscars, because we've always been at war with Hollywood.

TRUMP: And the winner is a movie from South Korea. What the hell was that all about? We've got enough problems with South Korea, with trade. And after all that they give them best movie of the year?

The South Korean government didn't win any Academy awards. The work of an individual South Korean filmmaker, Bong Joon-ho, was honored.

TRUMP: Was ["Parasite"] good? I don't know.

He hasn't actually seen the film, but he's going to "pre-judge" its value based solely on its national origin. This is such an obvious example of know-nothing bigotry, it could appear in a children's pop-up book.

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Hot Mess

Hot Take: Anonymous Jerks Probably Shouldn't Torture Pigeons For Fun

May those responsible suffer a lifetime of pigeon crapped hair.

Some attention-seeking creeps showed the libs this week before the Democratic debate in Las Vegas, Nevada. The self-proclaimed "underground radical group" P.U.T.I.N. outfitted pigeons with pigeon-sized "Make America Great Again" hats on their heads. The pigeons were released on Tuesday in advance of the debate as an annoying and pointless protest.

P.U.T.I.N. is short for Pigeons United To Interfere Now. A group member with the alias "Coo Hand Luke" freely confessed to the Las Vegas Review Journal that P.U.T.I.N. used eyelash glue to keep the hats on the pigeons' heads.

From the Review-Journal:.

COO HAND LUKE: It's what women use to put around their eyes for eyelash extensions. The hats usually stay on for a day or two, depending on the bird's movements. We can also remove them ourselves as they fly back to the coop. They could be gone for a day, two days or a week, but they always come back.

This abomination unto the lord was intended to serve as an "aerial protest piece in response to the arrival of the 2020 Democratic debate," which would've occurred regardless of whether pigeons were tortured. In fact, it's highly possible that if P.U.T.I.N. had issued an ultimatum in keeping with its "Get Smart" villain-style name, the Democrats would've postponed the debate. P.U.T.I.N. might've saved Mike Bloomberg from Elizabeth Warren.

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Trump

Donald Trump Obsesses Over Hillary Clinton For About 90 Minutes Of 90 Minute Arizona Rally

Can a former presidential candidate get a restraining order against the president?

Donald Trump is feeling cocky these days. His Republican cronies helped him survive impeachment. His approval numbers are almost as high as a summer day in San Francisco. You could see how relaxed this new Trump is during his latest hate rally Wednesday in Phoenix, Arizona. His adoring fans waited in line overnight, camping out like the homeless people they resent. It was all worth it to see Trump give a version of the same damn speech.

Trump's opening act was Arizona Sen. Martha McSally, whose remarks were a tiresome word salad filled with partisan rancor and sycophantic fealty to the president. She couldn't say enough good things about Trump, which is why she was invited. McSally called the reporters present "liberal hacks," because that's her hot "where's the beef?" catchphrase.

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2020 democratic primary

Invisible Woman Elizabeth Warren Almost Mentioned In Coverage Of Debate She Won

WHAR WARREN?

Elizabeth Warren had a spectacular debate performance last night. It helped that she was joined on stage by the living embodiment of everything she has resented and fought against for the past few decades. We always enjoy seeing the Elizabeth Warren who during Senate hearings made Wells Fargo executives cry.

However, despite murdering the former mayor of New York City on live TV, Warren didn't actually receive top billing in news coverage of the Las Vegas debate. Mike Bloomberg dominated most headlines. Sure, it was his first debate, but how about sharing the spotlight with the woman who ripped out his still-beating heart and ate it? Describing the debate as "Democrats' Bloomberg pile-on" implies that everyone dealt blows as lethal as Warren's own jujutsu. Bloomberg would've had a much better night if Warren wasn't there.

CNN

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News

ARE YOU READY FOR BLOOOOOMBERG????? (No.) (Your Vegas Democratic Debate LIVEBLERG!)

Screw you guys, we're going home!

Hey fuckers. You know who's mad tonight? ME. It's not you, specifically, unless it was you, specifically (it's entirely possible it was you, specifically), but MAMA MAD. I've been mad all week. Maybe I've been mad ALL YEAR! I've definitely been mad all day. And the MORE I THINK ABOUT IT, THE FUCKING ANGRIER I AM.

LET'S FUCKING LIVEBLOOG.

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2020 democratic primary

You Like FIGHTS? Then You'll Love Tonight's Democratic Debate!

This will be a debate worth watching, because FIGHTS.

CANCEL YOUR PLANS TONIGHT, BECAUSE YOU GOT PLANS TONIGHT!

Yes, loves, there is a Democratic debate tonight. Now, we know — we know — that there might be a wee bit of debate fatigue setting in. WE KNOW. But we need you to suck it up, because at last, for finally, people are voting now. Yes. For real. We have had an Iowa caucus and a New Hampshire primary, Pete Buttigieg has a narrow lead in delegates, followed by Bernie Sanders in second place. Joe Biden has crashed and burned so far, and other people have also gotten votes and delegates, like Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar!

This weekend, there is a Nevada caucus, and then at the end of this month there is a South Carolina primary. Then comes Super Tuesday, and people are already voting in a lot of those states. Like, for literal, we could personally leave our house after we finish writing this and immediately go vote in our home state of Tennessee. (But we're NOT GONNA, because we have NOT DECIDED who we are voting for.)

In other words, after 767 months of primary, we have actually reached the official starting line, which means the finish line is finally in sight.

TIME TO TUNE IN, BOZOS.

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2020 Congressional Elections

Swing State GOP Senators Content To Hold Trump's Hand, Drive Off Cliff Together

But, hey, did you hear that Bernie Sanders is a ... SOCIALIST?

Donald Trump is set to hold rallies in swing states where Republican senators tanked their political careers when they helped him skate on impeachment charges. It's the least he can do, and they might as well call it the "GOP Learned Nothing From Kentucky" tour.

The president will swing by Arizona Wednesday to prop up never-elected, never-gonna-get-elected Sen. Martha McSally. McSally headlined her own "Veterans for Trump" event Tuesday night, where she made some strange remarks.

MCSALLY: We are going to be ground zero for President Trump's reelection, and we are ground zero to keep the Senate majority.

It's almost been 20 (!) years since 9/11, but isn't "ground zero" objectively a bad thing? The term most commonly refers to the site of a nuclear explosion. She's not wrong, but how is this helpful? McSally demonstrated more of her savvy political skills during an appearance on Fox News where she accused Barack Obama of trying to take credit for actual things he'd done as president.

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2020 presidential election

NBC News/Wall Street Journal Present 'The Mystery Of The Vanishing Elizabeth Warren'

Why is the media treating Warren like a common Tulsi Gabbard?

NBC News and the Wall Street Journal released a poll Tuesday showing Bernie Sanders with a double digit lead over Joe Biden, who's effectively tied for second place with Mike Bloomberg, Pete Buttigieg, and Elizabeth Warren. Biden, whose campaign centered around his highly touted "electability," has hemorrhaged support since his disappointing performances in Iowa and New Hampshire. But on the plus side, he's still recognized as existing on the physical plane, which is more than we can say for some people we can't currently see right now (they are Elizabeth Warren).

WHAR WARREN? It's not as though Mark Murray ran out of space in his tweet (280 characters is a bastard!), Warren isn't included in the hypothetical and mostly pointless general-election matchups in the full length article covering the poll results. There's no good reason. Her poll numbers are double those of Amy Klobuchar's. We shouldn't discount KLOMENTUM, but at its current rate, Klobuchar's support will have grown to 12 percent by the Democratic National Convention.

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fox news

Fox News: Don't Compare Mayor Pete's Marriage To Trump And Rush Limbaugh's Cheaty Slutting, NO FAIR!

Party of family values, you bet.

Rush Limbaugh has been married four times and was caught coming back from a boys' trip in the Dominican Republic with a bottle of mislabeled Viagra in 2006. But recently he has been casting aspersions on the YUCKY LOL GAYNESS of Pete Buttigieg while he and fellow wingnut Ben Ferguson said the most stomach-churning things about how masculine World's Ugliest Man Donald Trump is, and Rush was calling him "Mr. Man" and just ew. We were just really hoping they would put their boners back in their pants.

The story continues, though!

Buttigieg went on the TV this weekend and what he said should have put a lid on Rush Limbaugh, human trashcan, once and for all:

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