Donate
Guns

Oh, You Thought Kellyanne Conway WASN'T Going To Blame Obama?

Professional liar blames Democrats, Obama for keeping Trump from healing the nation.

After this weekend's horrific yet depressingly preventable mass shootings in El Paso, Texas, and what Donald Trump believes was Toledo, Ohio, Republicans have focused on the scourge of video games and make-believe baby killing. They've actively avoided seriously addressing gun violence in America. Fortunately for the NRA-owned GOP, accountability is easy to dodge because it moves more slowly than the rounds from a high-powered .223 caliber firearm.

The president's paid bullshit artist, Kellyanne Conway, turned up this morning on "Fox & Friends" to feign human emotion and peddle lies while dealing rhetorical Three-Card Monte. She's upset that Democrats have "politicized" these tragic murders by trying to address their root causes like common lawmakers. Worse, they're not even politicizing American deaths fairly because there's blame to go around for everyone, specifically unrelated Democrats.

CONWAY: Let me tell you something. I'm hopping mad this morning, because I seen very little scant coverage that this Dayton shooter has been confirmed as having a Twitter feed that was supportive of Antifa, that's supportive of Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders...

The Dayton shooter's Twitter feed probably also indicated that he saw Avengers: Endgame because practically everyone saw Avengers: Endgame. It doesn't mean Captain America inspired his murder spree. Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders have never actively promoted violence, especially not gun violence. Republicans keep telling us that Warren in particular is coming for all our penis substitutes. Warren and Sanders don't regularly demonize the demographic to which the Dayton victims belonged. John Hinckley liked Jodie Foster, but she wasn't responsible for Ronald Reagan's attempted assassination -- unless Kellyanne Conjob plans to blow that cold case wide open.

Keep reading... Show less
Post-Racial America

We Are All Beto O'Rourke Saying WHAT THE F*CK, JESUS CHRIST, OF COURSE TRUMP'S A RACIST!

Go fuck yourself, Mister President.

Beto O'Rourke is through with it. As some have said on Twitter, he had one fuck left to give, and he just gave it.

Addressing reporters from El Paso after a white male terrorist murdered 20 people in his beloved hometown, O'Rourke turned a question about Donald Trump's role in the violence back on the reporters themselves.


What do you think? You know the shit he's been saying. He's been calling Mexican immigrants rapists and criminals. Like, members of the press, what the FUCK? It's these questions that you know the answers to. I mean, connect the dots about what he's been doing in this country. He's not tolerating racism, he's promoting racism. He's not tolerating violence, he's inciting racism and violence in this country. So, I just ... I don't know what kind of question that is.

Neither do we.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

WaPo Fact-Checker: Cory Booker On Trump Stealing Michigan Is Biggest Liar Since Barack Obama

Here's some Four Pinocchio bullshit right here!

In many ways, Wednesday was Cory Booker's night. In a debate that was mostly boring, tedious, and poorly thought-out, he landed some zingers and clearly had some fun, sparring with Joe Biden over his crime bill record and saying, "If you want to compare records, and frankly I'm shocked that you do, I am happy to do that." Elsewhere, he had a fun moment when he clearly got the best of Biden, who responded by calling Booker the "future president." As Amanda Marcotte notes at Salon, Biden was trying to land a zinger of his own, but Booker was the one who looked more presidential in that moment.

But the line from Booker we personally loved was when, in response to a question about how to make sure Democrats win back Michigan in 2020, he spoke a hard truth that too many in the lazy mainstream media and the Democratic Party seem terrified to say out loud:

This is one of those times where we're not staring at the truth and calling it out. And -- and this is a case for the Democratic Party, the truth will set us free.

We lost the state of Michigan because everybody from Republicans to Russians were targeting the suppression of African American voters. We need to say that. If the African American vote in this state had been like it was four years earlier, we would have won the state of Michigan. We need to have a campaign that is ready for what's coming: an all out assault especially on the most valuable voter group in our -- in fact, the highest performing voter group in our coalition, which is black women.

And so I will be a person that tries to fight against voter suppression and to activate and engage the kind of voters and coalitions who are going to win states like Michigan and Pennsylvania and Wisconsin.

And the crowd went wild, and the Washington Post's dumbass fact-checker Glenn Kessler just called Booker a liar. And not just any liar either, but a FOUR PINOCCHIO liar. We thought the Post's fact-checker might be better at checking facts than that, but we are kidding, we didn't think that at all.

Keep reading... Show less
Media/Entertainment

Chris Cillizza Worried Kamala Harris Just Too Angry A Black Woman To Be POTUS

WHY CAN'T SHE KEEP HER COOL!?

We'll never understand why CNN pays Chris Cillizza any sum larger than zero to offer his consistently absurd and ignorant political commentary. Ronald Reagan claimed the nine most terrifying words in the English language were "I'm from the government and I'm here to help." We think they're "I'm CNN's Chris Cillizza and I have an opinion."

Cillizza's latest opinion we didn't ask for is about Sen. Kamala Harris, and it's a sexist soufflé of stupidity. After watching Wednesday's Democratic debate, he believes we need to "keep an eye" on Harris because she demonstrated an "inability to keep her cool." That definitely is a liability if Harris winds up facing the stoic and controlled Donald Trump.

Twitter

Keep reading... Show less
Everywhere Else News

If It's What You Say, Tulsi Gabbard Loves It, Especially Later In The Summer

Everything is 2016 again.

A while back, a certain part of the internet we rarely travel to published the definitive piece on Tulsi Gabbard, What Is Wrong With Her, which was actually called "Tulsi Gabbard Is Not Your Friend." It was at Jacobin -- which if we recall correctly is not the name of Neera Tanden's DNC Establishment Factchecking Studio, Bar And Grill -- and it went chapter-and-verse through all kinds of things about Gabbard that are problematic, to say the least, from her claims to being anti-war (she isn't, she's just very selective about what kinds of wars she likes, which involve lots of bombing) to her anti-LGBT record to her anti-Islamic rhetoric to her love for the very creepy prime minister of India, Narendra Modi.

Oh yeah, we should also mention that Gabbard is a major fucking bigtime apologist for Syrian murderer dictator Bashar al Assad. Jacobin didn't get far into that, but we're about to.

But we guess all that is forgotten now, because Tulsi Gabbard said kAmAla iS a cOp during Wednesday night's debate, and therefore certain parts of the internet we rarely travel to are going to now act like all the problems with Gabbard have gone away and Tulsi is good now:

Is it a "lazy slur" to say Tulsi Gabbard refuses to admit that Assad illegally murders his own people with chemical weapons on the regular, and that she refuses to call him a war criminal? It's not as lazy as saying "Kamala is a cop," but this post isn't about that.

Keep reading... Show less
2020 democratic primary

How I Would Moderate The Democrat Debate By Me, Laura Ingraham

This should be good.

Professional terrible person Laura Ingrahm wasn't thrilled with the two-part Socialist Showdown masquerading as a Democratic debate. Her tiki torch went up in flames because CNN permitted Don Lemon to moderate Tuesday's restricted club debate. Lemon's obviously compromised and biased because he believes Donald Trump is racist on account of everything he's ever said or done. She vented about this on her white power hour to her panel of shameless hacks.

INGRAHAM: How does CNN defend having Lemon moderate this debate? I mean, just proclaiming Trump, you know, someone who traffics in racial division, I mean, that was actually a question.

Ingraham's right that it's not really a question whether Trump "traffics in racial division." It's literally all he does. They should get him one of those reflective vests crossing guards wear. Trump's lapdog lawyer Rudy Giuliani, a gross racist himself, argued that Democrats had ruined racism's good name.

GIULIANI: I think being called a racist now is not what it was 10, 20 years ago. I think they've demeaned it. I don't know what the American people even think a racist is anymore, because it's used all the time.

Thanks, Democrats! You've single-handedly made "racist" as meaningless a term as "farm-to-table" or "artisanal." Americans used to know what a "racist" was, and according to Fox News and Giuliani himself, the actual "racists" were Barack Obama or any black person who politely suggested that their lives mattered.

Keep reading... Show less
News

Told You CNN Would F*ck Up The Debates

Turns out obsessing over time limits and asking bad questions is not a winning formula.

The CNN double-header two-night Debate Thunderdome is in the books, and God, it sucked.

First of all, we can conclusively say at this point that the DNC's new format, while well intentioned, fell flat. Enough of 20 candidates putting their names in a hat and ruining TWO NIGHTS of America's week, especially at the end of July. They should just put all the lesser candidates in a kids' table debate that nobody watches, or maybe they could just put them in the balls at Chuck E. Cheese and let them fight until security throws them out. Fuck 'em.

But we can also say that if you compare MSNBC's attempts to work within the debate format to CNN's attempts, there was a clear loser, and it was CNN. Moderators Jake Tapper, Dana Bash and Don Lemon were obsessed with the time limits to the point that it was ridiculous, and it turns out 30 seconds -- or 15 for a response -- isn't enough time for a candidate to actually say something. So instead, what we got were two debates that lasted far longer than they should (almost THREE HOURS per night), full of halting questions and answers that conveyed little substance, and lacked any sort of rhythm that engaged the viewers. During the MSNBC debates, when something would organically happen on the stage, the moderators would pull back and allow the thing to happen, which led to memorable moments like when Kamala Harris spoke directly to Joe Biden about busing. In the CNN debates, on the other hand, if candidates didn't have a canned zinger ready for every single question, then good luck trying to say anything that might involve nuance or complex thought before Jake Tapper would horn in and yell at them about his stopwatch so he could tee up his next Fox News question.

And ah yes, the stupid questions, which are the point of this post.

Back in 2015, during the Republican primary, CNBC hosted a debate after which the RNC screamed BIASSSSSSSS, when in fact the questions were fine. The GOP candidates even got to say which woman they'd most like to see on the $20 bill, and their VERY GOOD ANSWER was mostly "my mom," because you know how the Treasury Department is, always putting everybody's mom on money for Mother's Day. In order to handily rebut the RNC's complaints, Wonkette decided to make a list of all the debate questions, just to have a record to point to when Republicans started whining. And now that time has come again, for a different reason -- not because the candidates are complaining, but because it wouldn't be terrible if they did, as some of CNN's questions were lazy as fuck and/or factually wrong and/or and used Republican talking points so much they sounded like Chris Cillizza and Chuck Todd wrote them together in a bubble bath so big it has room for both sides to fuck each other to death.

Because we're dealing with two nights here, we're not going to list every question, but rather just highlight some of the worst ones, the ones that should make Jake Tapper and Dana Bash and Don Lemon feel very bad. There won't be as many questions from the first night, because the second night was markedly worse. (Transcript of night one is here, transcript of night two here.)

Keep reading... Show less
2020 democratic primary

Stop It With Your Marianne Williamson Stanning, She Is Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad

I said what I said.

It's time to have a little chit chat about Marianne Williamson, aka "Chakra Khan," the mid-Atlantic accented Texas native, who once worked as a singer in some cocktail lounge in 1930s Atlantic City, or 1980s Los Angeles. Marianne Williamson is no longer merely the "Queen of the Moon People" after Tuesday night's debate, she is now queen of the post-debate Google search too. Know what else she's queen of? She is also the "Queen of people who like to fall for shit because someone said something they found super meaningful but it wasn't." This is clearly very stupid, and I don't like it. Guess who DOES like it?

This guy.

Keep reading... Show less
Featured

VANQUISH THEM, KAMALA. Your 27th-Night-In-A-Row Democratic Debate Liveblog!

ABANDON HOPE AGAIN.

Oh hello, did you see Wonkette's live coverage of the debate last night, and did you sense our enthusiasm for double-header debates where we have to watch CNN all the fucking time because of "democracy" or something like that? Well let us tell you we are even MORE enthusiastic tonight. It's time for Kamala and Joe and the others and the lesser others to debate, and just as Elizabeth Warren did last night to poor (rich) John Delaney, we are going to need Kamala Harris to bully the shit out of some lessers for no damn reason besides ending some losers' campaigns, because we are NOT DOING a double-header debate next time. ADORABLE DNC DEMOCRACY EXPERIMENT OVER.

OK, we are done ranting about the things that make us mad, we will liveblog now. As usual, CNN is a horrible network, so the questions will be shit and the livestream is only available elsewhere, so watch it on TV or hey fuck it, don't watch it and just read our jokes.

Let's go!

7:40: As we type this DNC chair Tom Perez just literally tried to start an "Old McConnell had a farm" riff during his pre-debate speech and we regret to inform you we have succumbed to sweet death over how stupid that was.

Don't worry we got better.

7:59: Oh my God the CNN pre-show people are so stupid. "Tulsi Gabbard is one to watch! She's so anti-war!" NO SHE'S NOT, IDIOTS, READ A BOOK.

We have invented a new motto for the CNN pre-show people, and it is "Betcha Don't Think Chris Cillizza Is That Stupid Anymore, At Least Compared To These Idiots!" It is a good motto.

Anyway, the opening ceremonies have started, and if last night is any indication, we'll get opening statements in about 45 minutes once CNN is done jerking itself off.

8:02: LATE BREAKING, we have just been handed a copy of Tulsi Gabbard's opening statement. Again, this is Tulsi Gabbard's opening statement.*

"I'm Bashar al Assad and I approve this message. No homo!"

Wow, Tulsi, weird opening statement.

*It is not her opening statement.

8:05: You guys, Andrew Yang got to go out before like five other people. That is how stupid this primary is right now. Because he is polling about in the middle of this group. Uh huh.

In other news:

He is probably so scared right now.

8:08: Uh huh, he is scared. Because this is what he said.

Feel free to put "Be nice to Joe Biden" in the suggestion box, Joe, but nah.

8:13: OK, this shit is finally starting. The moderators were real dorks last night about time limits, so assume they will suck this evening.

Opening statements!

DE BLASIO: I should drop out. Nobody in New York even likes me. I say I am the mayor of it but they all make fun of me on the subway. What's this all about? My ego. Will I be in the next debate? Unlikely. But I'm gonna shit on Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, because literally in my brain I am thinking that things are going to turn around for me. Yap yap yap. The end.

8:15: BENNET: A church sign made me sad. I am pretty good at being "Senate" though. I ought to stay in "Senate." But Colorado is a blue state so maybe I can say Trump sucks and become Secretary Of Ski Resorts of something. Therefore I will debate!

INSLEE: Hello, my name is Jay Inslee. That's J-A-Y I-N-S-L-E-E. Climate change climate change climate change. I would probably be really good at running the EPA, so KAMALA AND LIZ WARREN, IF YOU'RE LISTENING.

8:17: GILLIBRAND: In a fair world, I would be doing better in this race. But life is not fair. Here is a list of times I was nice to gays.

GABBARD: 9/11 9/11 9/11, I love America, hold on BRB Bashar al Assad just texted me like "brunch?" and I was like "of course" but I didn't use any emojis because I am a very serious candidate in this race.

8:20: CASTRO: Really, we have nothing mean to say about Julian Castro. He would be a great HUD secretary, WAIT A MINUTE HE DID THAT ALREADY. Anyway, last debate Castro kicked Beto's ass on immigration stuff, so hopefully he'll kick somebody's ass tonight.

YANG: giVe yOu tHoSand dOOlars. (No seriously, he's doing it again.)

He did just say a zinger about how he is the opposite of Trump because he is an "Asian man who likes math." That was funny.

BOOKER: Gonna rile up the crowd and piss everybody off by reminding them what Trump said about Baltimore. But UH OH, there are protesters! They are yelling!

8:24: The Wonkette chatcave says the protesters were saying "Biden is a tomato." Is the Wonkette chatcave correct or RONG? Vote in the comments!

HARRIS: This is an inflection point in our history. That is my line, I always say "inflection point." It is a good line, as lines go. Anyway, I am a damn fighter, I fight for justice, I am the best one to "prosecute" the case against Trump, because that is also one of my lines. Also in a few minutes I am going to TKO Joe Biden probably.

BIDEN: You all are only here to watch Kamala beat the shitfire out of me, don't lie.

Ends with a line about how we LOVE America, we are not gonna LEAVE it, and we CERTAIN-DAMN-LY aren't gonna leave it to you. It was a good line!

8:27: Questions! Kamala Harris, you released a new healthcare plan this week. Joe Biden says it sucks. What you say about that?

HARRIS: They probably haven't read it. Notes that she created her plan by talking to people and hearing their concerns and yadda yadda yadda.

BIDEN: Haw haw, Kamala has had a hundred healthcare plans, she's probably writing one right now. Her plan doesn't even take effect for 10 years. She's a double talker.

HARRIS: Unfortunately you are wrong about everything you just said. People can sign up for my plan on the first day, Joe Biden's healthcare plan sucks ass, and maybe he should stop lying about what is in my plan.

BIDEN: Kamala's plan will cost one million trillion Ameros per hour.

HARRIS: We spend more than that under our current shithole system!

DANA BASH: We should get Bill De Blasio in on this, because he matters.

8:32: Biden responds to whatever the fuck De Blasio said by saying "Obamacare is working," which is actually factcheck not true for millions of Americans, because of what Republicans have done to it.

Dana Bash asks Kirsten Gillibrand if it's OK for Kamala Harris to call her plan "Medicare For All," when there are private parts of it (just like regular Medicare).

Gillibrand does not exactly answer the question, but definitely talks shit about how awful health insurance companies are, and also how Republicans are the only ones actually trying to take away people's heatlhcare, so STFU.

Harris notes that the architect of Obamacare (Kathleen Sebelius) says HER plan is the best way to get America where it needs to go, and she notes that because Joe Biden was over there OBAMACARE OBAMACARE OBAMACARE!

Biden responds by flapping his gums some more.

8:36: Booker points out that it's DUMB for Democrats to be bickering and pitting progressives against moderates and all that is so very stupid, because NONE OF US IS THE ENEMY HERE.

Tulsi Gabbard jumps in to say we don't have a heatlhcare system, we have a "sick care" system. (For a sec, we thought she was about to go down the Marianne Williamson road less traveled by and start talking about crystals and how you should give AIDS a big hug, but she didn't.) Then Gabbard says Kathleen Sebelius "wrote" Kamala's healthcare plan, which is crap because Sebelius works for Medicare Advantage, and stands to profit. Kamala responds by asking if she said Kathleen Sebelius wrote her plan, because she's 100 percent certain she didn't say that.

In the time it has taken us to type, Michael Bennet and Julian Castro have also said things, but you missed nothing.

8:41: MODERATOR: Hey Kamala, Michael Bennet said you are going to BAN employer-provided healthcare. Why you gonna do that?

HARRIS: Zero fucking chance my plan does that. I talk about separating healthcare from employment, so people aren't stuck in jobs they hate just to keep their healthcare.

BENNET: You lie! But I say that in a friendly way!

HARRIS: Why are all the people up here spouting Republican talking points?

Seriously, we are pretty sure approximately 100 percent of the country needs to actually study how the fuck Medicare works before they express a position on "Medicare For All" ever again. We are veering dangerously close to the liberal version of "Keep your government out of my Medicare!" tea party talk here.

That's not Kamala Harris saying that. It's Wonkette.

8:45: Andrew Yang, what are you going to do to healthcare?

YANG: giVe yOu tHoSand dOOlars.

8:47: CNN just split-screened it so Michael Bennet and Bill De Blasio can fight, so that is your cue to go make a drink or poop or sit on the patio with your neighbor and drink beer for the next three hours and skip the rest of this if you want to.

8:48: BIDEN: Obamacare Obamacare Obamacare Obamacare Obamacare Obamacare.

I am the year 2008, and I approve this message. Also, MALARKEY!

8:49: Biden just accused Kamala Harris of doing CALIFORNIA MATH that won't get her healthcare plan paid for. And now she is mad at him and will beat the shitfire out of him with an abacus.

And with that, the healthcare discussion is over, and we have learned nothing. Let's talk immigration!

DON LEMON: I am going to ask Julian Castro about the immigration thing about decriminalizing border crossings, the thing he got into a fight with Beto O'Rourke about at the last debate. Why? Because CNN forgot to write questions for its debate :(

But don't worry, I'm going to use Republican talking points to ask it! OPEN BORDERS OPEN BORDERS OPEN BORDERS!

CASTRO: Jesus Christ.

MICHAEL BENNET: Words.

HARRIS: I agree with Castro that we should definitely decriminalize border crossings, because that is exactly the law Trump is using to abuse people and fill his concentration camps. But y'all listen, I am going to tell you about what I did after the last debate, when I visited one of those immigration detention centers in Homestead, Florida, and I am going to be very passionate and angry about what I saw, and I seriously do not fucking care if Don Lemon is speaking over me saying "Senator Harris, your time is up, shut up Senator Harris, stop it, Senator Harris." STFU, Don Lemon, you dumbass CNN anchor.

(Golly, Wonkette's disdain for CNN keeps slipping through in very subtle ways in our liveblog!)

BENNET: Words.

GILLIBRAND: Better words.

BIDEN: Words.

PROTESTERS: LOUD WORDS!

8:58: Castro just looked at Biden and said, "one of us has learned the lessons of the past and the other one hasn't." The subject is still immigration policy, both the legal kind and the illegal kind. He is basically saying Biden is a chickenshit. Biden responds by saying Castro doesn't make sense, and that there's no reason to change the laws on border crossings just because Donald Trump is abusing those laws.

(That's horseshit. Sometimes it takes somebody really misusing and shitting all over a law to show us how and why that law needs to be improved or changed. Point: Castro)

Gabbard hops in to talk about the only border she cares about, which is the sovereign border of Syria, where WE ARE JUST KIDDING, TULSI GABBARD DID NOT JUST CHANGE THE SUBJECT TO HER BFF BASHAR AL ASSAD.

9:01: Candidate speaking Spanish to pander threat level alert just went up a notch, because of how hard Cory Booker just worked to pronounce "Juarez" as Spanish-ly as possible.

9:03: Cory Booker and Jay Inslee want Democrats to stop fighting like idiots about immigration particulars because THERE IS A WHITE NATIONALIST IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

Meanwhile, Joe Biden will defend Obama's deportation record, because literally the only thing Biden is running on is Obama's record. This, even though Bill De Blasio is yelling at him and asking him if he tried to get Obama to stop deporting people so much all the time.

MOVING ON!

Tulsi Gabbard, should college be free like Bernie Sanders says?

GABBARD: No.

DE BLASIO: Biden still did not answer my questions about Obummer Deportsalot.

BIDEN: Not gonna either!

BOOKER: LOL, this guy says "Obama" whenever it's convenient and dodges the question whenever it's not. (LAUGHS FROM AUDIENCE.)

BIDEN: I am surprised that I am not losing this debate to Kamala Harris right now, but rather to literally everyone else.

9:13: Criminal justice!

MODERATOR: Joe Biden, Cory Booker says your criminal justice reform plan is absolute bullshit. You and him fight.

BIDEN: Our plans are almost the exact same. Also CORY'S plan is bullshit.

BOOKER: You know who writes bad crime bills? Joe Biden writes bad crime bills.

BIDEN: President Cory Booker, you are wrong! (Srsly, he just accidentally called Cory Booker the "president." Republicans are preparing their "Joe Biden is senile" attack ads right now.)

BOOKER: Thank you Vice President Biden for calling me President of America!

BIDEN: Interrupting cow MOOOOOOOOOOOO!

BOOKER: You don't interrupt the president! Also quite frankly I am surprised you actually want to defend your "crime bill record" right now. "You are dipping into the Kool-Aid and you don't even know the flavor!"

HARRIS: kAmAlA iS A CoP! (Just kidding, they have not called on her, we are actually surprised.)

9:18: Cory Booker wants Joe Biden to come to Newark to see how fucked up the results of the Biden crime bills are. Jay Inslee wants everybody to come to Washington to see how he fixed criminal justice and got rid of the death penalty. Apparently we are all going on one million road trips now.

Oh also, Julian Castro just took a shit on Bill De Blasio asking why the fuck the cop who killed Eric Garner is still on the street. Bill De Blasio does not have much of a good answer.

9:21: LOL Joe Biden just defended his crime bill record by saying Obama vetted him, which must mean he's perfect. Christ, Joe, do better.

Andrew Yang notes that literally anybody on that stage would do better on criminal justice reform than the white supremacist fucker in the White House.

FOLLOW UP on why the cop who killed Eric Garner is still on the beat. Kirsten Gillibrand, was De Blasio's answer good enough? Gillibrand says FUCK NO.

And FINALLY, they get to Kamala Harris. Maybe something interesting can happen now, one hour and 23 minutes in?

9:23: MODERATOR: Kamala Harris, do the busing fight with Joe Biden again.

HARRIS: Uh, yeah, no. Joe Biden still won't admit that he was wrong on busing and palling around with segregationists, despite how if those guys all got their way, Obama would have never made him vice president, and I couldn't be a senator.

We will find you a video, but she also addressed the Eric Garner situation, and the moderator tried to stop her and she pointed at the moderator and said "This is important!" and continued to speak for however fucking long she wanted to.

Biden responds by saying kAmAlA iS A cOp!

Harris says half her job as attorney general of California was fixing the results of the fucked up crime laws Joe Biden has his name on.

9:31: Oh now Tulsi wants to come at Kamala Harris, says Harris put everybody in jail for marijuana, even though Harris has laughed about her own pot smoking. Also cites some other things that probably came out of David Sirota's butt and accuses Harris of doing the death penalty to everyone, or something. (Harris has always been personally opposed to the death penalty.) That's all cool, and Kamala Harris should definitely be called upon to explain things in her criminal justice record, but yeesh, imagine having to justify yourself to Tulsi Gabbard.

9:32:

Mood right now:

9:33: WHY ARE YOU THE BEST CANDIDATE TO HEAL THE RACIAL DIVIDE?

Jay Inslee says he has never been a gay or a black person, so he has a special responsibility to be the best straight white dude he possibly can be. Also says senators suck.

Andrew Yang takes a lot of time to get there, but he finally gets to gIvE yOu ThoSand DoLlLars.

9:35: We have a surprise for you. Tulsi Gabbard? The candidate who is beloved of Steve Bannon and the alt-right? Well it would APPEAR that the smear she just launched at Kamala Harris, about Harris supposedly packing prisons with marijuana offenders, seems to come entirely from far right wingnut sources, and to have originated at the far right wingnut source the "Washington Free Beacon."

Aren't you surprised by the surprise we just gave you? We are surprised to be giving you that surprise!

9:39: Let's talk about climate change!

INSLEE: I am the king of fixing climate change. Joe Biden's plan is "MIDDLING."

BIDEN: Do you know who my father is? His name is Paris Climate Accord, and when I am president, I will rejoin him!

YANG: We need to fix climate change, but we also need to make people move to higher ground, and you know what will help them buy land on higher ground?

tHoSanD dOllLlars.

9:42: BIDEN: We will "work out" fossil fuels and fracking under President Biden

INSLEE: We don't have fucking time to work it out!

HARRIS: Inslee is right. Biden is wrong-ish. Donald Trump thinks wind turbines cause cancer. Literally everybody up here would be better than Donald Trump. Green New Deal. Paris Accords. Carbon-neutral by 2030.

GILLIBRAND: My first plan to fix climate change is to Clorox the Oval Office. (HA HA SHE SAID A LOL LINE.)

9:44: Tulsi Gabbard, you hate the Green New Deal. Sup with that?

GABBARD: I am from Hawaii, therefore I don't need to cosponsor the Green New Deal, because by definition I am the Green New Deal.

BOOKER: Jay Inslee is the best at this in the entire world. I love Jay Inslee. Also people stop clapping for people who say they are going to rejoin the Paris Accords, that is "kindergarten" shit. Of COURSE every damn one of us is going to do that. God.

9:47: MODERATOR: Bill De Blasio, all the kids in NYC are full of lead. How can the people of Flint and everywhere else trust you?

DE BLASIO: They don't have as much lead in them as they used to.

9:49: JAKE TAPPER: Joe Biden, last night Elizabeth Warren said boring centrist milquetoast policies are Teh Suck and are not going to win Michigan back from Trump. Tell us why being boring like you is actually better than being cool.

BIDEN: obamabamamaboamaummerobmamaobmamaObamaOBAMAOBAMABAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA.

Obama.

GILLIBRAND: I will beat Trump in Michigan and also other places with "bus tour." I have been on "bus tour" before.

9:53: Say something cool, Cory Booker, about why we lost Michigan.

"FUCKING EVERYBODY, FROM REPUBLICANS TO RUSSIANS, WAS DOING EVERYTHING IT COULD TO SUPPRESS THE BLACK VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP. THAT IS WHY WE LOST MICHIGAN. JESUS CHRIST, YOU FUCKERS."

He said something cool.

9:59: Economic questions! Because they're going to overshoot their time again tonight!

First question goes to Castro, but we will take this moment while you are all here to say we love that you are here, and remind you that Wonkette runs ENTIRELY on donations and subscriptions from you, and you will never come to Wonkette and find out that you have three free articles left this month, and we will never fill your brain with ads or anything like that. Meanwhile, we pay actual salaries to our writers, and also health insurance!

Please hit up the donation tanks below, by clicking them with your credit card in your hand.

10:02: Would Tulsi keep Trump's tariffs on China? No, because he did them stupid, but she likes fair trade. Would Biden rejoin the TPP, which Trump pulled out of? He would renegotiate it.

10:04: Bill De Blasio wants to ask all the people on the stage if they support Trump's NAFTA 2.0, because apparently Bill De Blasio is Jake Tapper now. He mostly directs the question to Biden, because BIDEN VOTED FOR NAFTA. Biden says ... meh, he said a thing, there was a mildly jolly moment and mostly didn't really answer the question.

Next question goes to Michael Bennet and it is a SNOOOOOOOOZE and Bennet's answer is ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

10:08: Andrew Yang, women make 80 cents on the dollar. Kamala Harris wants to fine companies that refuse to close the gap. Whatchu think?

YANG: 80 cents on the dollar is only 800 dollars. I will give women thOsaNd dOlLlars, just like I will give to men.

(You guys think we are just inserting that joke because Yang is stupid and we are bored and making it up as we go along. You guys are incorrect. Dude has ONE POLICY.)

Kamala Harris responds by saying she thiiiiiiinks Yang was saying he agreed with her, but how could she possibly tell.

10:10: Kirsten Gillibrand dug up some old op-eds Joe Biden wrote where he said some REAL retrograde shit about women in the workforce degrading families and stuff. Répondez S'il Vous Plaît!

Biden responds by not responding. Gillibrand responds by telling him to fucking respond please. Joe Biden says he was a single dad. Also he wrote the Violence Against Women Act and was "deeply involved" in the Lilly Ledbetter act. He notes that Kirsten Gillibrand worked with him on a lot of those things. He doesn't know what happened between then and now, except for maybe Gillibrand is running for president now, so we guess he is saying SHE LYIN'.

UH OH, HERE GOES KAMALA HARRIS, GONNA SMACK JOE IN THE ASS FOR SUPPORTING THE HYDE AMENDMENT FOR SO LONG. (He changed his mind like eight minutes ago on this.)

10:15: Biden's response is that everybody in Senate votes for Hyde Amendment, it is just a thing. Harris asks why it took him until now, and the conversation kind of ... dies.

Can SOMEBODY do something cool in this debate, or do we just make Elizabeth Warren president now?

Let's talk about Foreign Policy! We talk about it for 30 seconds per debate, because what is "foreign" anyway?

10:17: Cory Booker will bring 'em home from Afghanistan. This is very personal for Tulsi Gabbard, because she is a veteran, and she is very anti-war (no she isn't).

Andrew Yang, let's talk about Iran! He is giving something resembling a real answer, but Wonkette would like to note something very important that Andrew Yang might not know about Iran:

In other words, gIvE yOu 42,105,000 iRanIan rIaL mYaBe?

10:19: INSLEE: Joe Biden was bad to vote for the Iraq war.

BIDEN: Yes, he was.

In the year 2578, assuming America still exists, Democratic candidates will be asked why their ancestors voted for that war. It is just always going to be a thing.

GABBARD: They lied us into war, duh no shit. Who in this room does not know that at this point? Donald Trump loves al Qaeda.

DE BLASIO: I want to talk about Iran!

DON LEMON: OK, that is enough foreign policy, let's talk about Robert Mueller!

10:22: DON LEMON: Kamala Harris, you say your Justice Department is going to have to prosecute Trump and his criminal administration. Why is it OK for you to prosecute your political enemies and not for Trump? I am Don Lemon, and I wrote this question myself.

HARRIS: Oh holy fuck, I did not say I would DIRECT my Justice Department to do that, I said they'd have no choice. Jesus fuck!

BOOKER: I agree, Jesus fuck! The Mueller Report is full of CRIIIIIIIIMES. Also, time to IN-PEACH!

CASTRO: There are 10 obstruction of justice crimes in the Mueller Report! None of us is saying the president should DIRECT the attorney general to prosecute people. But if the attorney general follows the facts, they're gonna end up prosecuting Donald Trump.

DE BLASIO: I don't wanna talk about impeachment.

10:27: Ha ha, Julian Castro just called Mitch McConnell "Moscow Mitch" live on TV. Moscow Mitch HATES that. In fact, he hates it so much you should go tweet it to him, so he can tell you how much he hates it.

10:32: Christ almighty thank God, this boring debate is almost over and it is time for closing statements.

DE BLASIO: Let's stand for things! Unions! Universal healthcare! Tax the hell out of the wealthy! Donald Trump will call us socialists, but fuck him, he is the REAL socialist! FOR RICH PEOPLE! Haw haw, Donald Trump is the rich people socialist.

BENNET:

Giphy

President achieved!

10:35: INSLEE: Not gonna be a country if we don't fix climate change, y'all, I am just saying. I am the only person who says this on this whole stage.

WONKETTE: Remember to tip your bartenders! And by "bartenders" we mean "Wonkette."

GILLIBRAND: Trump is a ginormous pig racist, and I want to NOT be a president like that. I will go to all the places to win this election, and I will get there by doing "bus tour."

10:38: GABBARD: Trump and everybody else is a warmonger. I am anti-ALL THE WARS. (I am not.) If there was a nuclear attack, you would get a text message like we did in Hawai'i. I am against nuclear attacks. I am Tulsi Gabbard, and I forgot to give out my website like all the other people did just now.

CASTRO: I would like to thank Don Lemon and Jake Tapper and Dana Bash for their shitty-ass questions. I remembered to say my website unlike a common Tulsi. ADIOS TO DONALD TRUMP!

YANG: Know what I got in my pocket right now? No, not the tie I am not wearing. It is ...

Giphy

We are still not kidding.

BOOKER: I am literally the only person on this debate stage who was any fun tonight, and Joe Biden called me Mr. President, so that is obviously true.

10:44: HARRIS: kAmAlA iS A CoP. And you know what? In my job, I took on trans-national criminal organizations and for-profit colleges and sexual predators and guess what, I will beat the shit out of the predator in the White House, who has a long RAP SHEET. He puts babies in cages, he fucks American families with his trade policies, and is just generally terrible. I will fix all these things at 3:00 AM.

BIDEN: Dunno, but here is the YIKES op-ed Kirsten Gillibrand was talking about earlier:

Biden ends by saying that if you want to support him, then go to 30330 on the internet, which is factcheck not a website, Joe.

And with that, Elizabeth Warren has now won two debates in two nights, even though she was probably just drinking beer and playing with her dog Bailey the whole night.

Good night, everyone.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!

Wonkette is ad-free and funded ONLY by YOU, our dear readers. If you love Wonkette, SUPPORT WONKETTE.

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

2020 democratic primary

Billionaire Tom Steyer Needs Your Money To Attend Presidential Fantasy Camp

He's got money for nothing but will debate for free.

Tom Steyer watched the Democratic debate last night at home in his underpants. No fairy godmother showed up to take him to the ball. He just shouted about climate change to pumpkins with photos of Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren on them. Although Tom Steyer the presidential candidate has considerable financial support from Tom Steyer the billionaire, he still needs 130,000 donors before he can stand on the same stage as Marianne Williamson. He's roughly 129,999 donors shy of his goal.

Americans concerned about their financial futures might consider the more conservative option of setting large piles of their money on fire rather than donating to a billionaire's vanity campaign. Steyer isn't asking for much, though -- just one dollar. It's the cost of a cup of coffee. (It's been a while since he bought his own coffee.)

Keep reading... Show less
News

Elizabeth Warren Has A Plan For Hiding John Delaney's Body, After What She Did To Him Last Night

Didn't happen on 5th Avenue, but we're pretty sure she didn't lose a single follower.

We don't know why Elizabeth Warren decided to murder John Delaney last night. It certainly wasn't on her must-do list for the CNN debate, unless she just really wanted America to know she was ready and willing on day one to make things that annoy us go away, like for instance dumb men with dumb egos who won't get the fuck out of our faces. There were 8,895,682 people on that stage, and she could have picked any of them. Beto? Boring. Marianne Williamson? Nothing to get your chakras in a bunch about. Buttigieg? She could just PINCH HIS CHEEKS. Also he might be a good cabinet nominee down the road. Klobuchar? Oh, was she in attendance last night? Tim Ryan or Jim Monkeydongler or Steve Buttocks of Montana? Eh, that just didn't seem FUN, and Elizabeth Warren had a plan for last night, and that plan involved FUN.

And she didn't seem to feel it was necessary to bring it to Bernie Sanders last night. No, better to riff off him and save that for later. Maybe she's pretty sure the universe is going to work that one out on its own.

So John Delaney it was. A man who started last night with 29,000 Twitter followers, most of whom are probably his mom. It was he upon whom Warren decided to use a line that was obviously worthy of somebody far above his paygrade, but that's OK, she has a whole room full of zingers at her house. Plus, have you seen his dumb face? It is dumb. And quite frankly, she probably was getting very tired of the no-name moderate men in the race who seem hellbent on mucking it up with chants of "What do we want? A marginal improvement! When do we want it? Whenever we get around to it!"

Maybe Warren found a shiny quarter behind Jake Tapper's ear, and Tapper, unreasonably giddy over the magic trick Warren had just performed, agreed to try to help tee her up for MURRRRRDERRRRRRRR.

Keep reading... Show less
News

Let's See How Hard CNN F*cks This Thing Up: Your Democratic Debate Liveblog!

Last exit before hell!

OH HEYYYYYYYY EVERYONE, are you happy to be here? Trick question, you can't leave now!

Anyway, tonight, in like 10 minutes, is night one of the Democratic debates on CNN, and because CNN is a common "CNN," you have to watch it at their website if you don't want to watch it on TV. (No linky for the stinky, you know where "CNN" is.)

So what will happen tonight? Will one of the Tim Ryans eat one of the other Tim Ryans? Will Marianne Williamson pull a total Marianne Williamson and chakra the living fuck out of the entire auditorium? Will Elizabeth Warren and Bernie FIGHT? Will Beto go on a road trip by himself to the dentist? STAY TUNED!

Shall we liveblog? We shall.

Keep reading... Show less
News

Abandon Hope, There's Another Democratic Debate Tonight!

And here is your preview of it!

LIVEBLOG HERE!

Oh golly gee, where would we rather be tonight than liveblogging yet another double-header Democratic debate featuring half of the 78,679 candidates running for the Democratic nomination cabinet positions in the presidential administration of Joe Biden, Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Bernie Sanders, or Pete Buttigieg?

Here is a top ten list of where we'd rather be:

Keep reading... Show less
2020 presidential election

I Was A Dick To Kamala Harris, By Not Wonkette

*CLICK*

Joan Walsh looks back on Kamala Harris's first campaign. Should you use up one of your five Nation clicks on it?

There are many reasons I haven't written about the San Francisco magazine profile I did of California Senator Kamala Harris, back in 2003 when she was running for San Francisco district attorney, her first elected office, against incumbent progressive Terence Hallinan, whom the headline writers cast in the role of "Beast" because of his pugnacious style. I haven't written about it, even though it was her first big magazine profile, and it's not online; I have it all to myself.

Most of the reasons I've set it aside have to do with the way the story embarrasses me, not at all her, 16 years later.

It starts with that headline ["Beauty and the Beast"], which I didn't write, but which still makes me shudder. It continues with my describing her, early on, as "black-eyed, raven-haired, latte-skinned." I made much of her stylish clothes. Yikes. I apologize, to her and to all women everywhere. I also called her "smart and strategic, ribald and flirty," and that's probably not politically correct either, but I kind of stand by it.

Yes.

(Kamala Swag here by NOT Not Wonkette.)

News

Tulsi Gabbard Says Kamala Harris Lacks Foreign Policy Chops To Kiss Assad's Ass

Meow Tulsi. Meow.

We can't even pretend to like Rep. Tulsi Gabbard. She's nicer to Syrian butcher Bashar al-Assad than she ever was to queer folk. Lately, the presidential candidate's been coming for Sen. Kamala Harris, who unlike Gabbard is polling in double digits. She claimed it was "underhanded" for Harris to surprise Joe Biden with his record during his nap at the last Democratic debate. Now, she's arguing that Harris isn't "qualified" to serve as commander in chief. This is where we remind everyone that the current president is Donald Trump.

Gabbard called out Harris yesterday during an interview with Clay Travis on Fox Sports News. Travis is the author of Republicans Buy Sneakers, Too, which sounds like a conservative children's book. Right-wingers dig Gabbard, so she should consider just primarying Trump and actually making herself useful.

GABBARD: Kamala Harris is not qualified to serve as commander in chief and I can say this from a personal perspective as a soldier. She's got no background or experience in foreign policy, and she lacks the temperament that is necessary for commander in chief.

We repeat: Donald Trump is the current C-i-C. The Hulk has a better temperament. And where does Gabbard get off questioning Harris's "temperament" anyway? Harris is a former prosecutor. You have to keep your shit together in court. You can't turn over tables, scream at the judge, and throw rotten tomatoes at hostile witnesses. This isn't "Boston Legal."

Keep reading... Show less
2020 democratic primary

Who's Got The Grooviest Pot Policy -- Kamala Harris Or Uncle Joe Biden?

Spoiler Alert: It's not Uncle Joe.

Sen. Kamala Harris and House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler are set to announce bold new legislation today that goes beyond decriminalization of marijuana, also expunging old criminal convictions related to its use.

HARRIS: We need to start regulating marijuana, and expunge marijuana convictions from the records of millions of Americans so they can get on with their lives

As marijuana becomes legal across the country, we must make sure everyone — especially communities of color that have been disproportionately impacted by the War on Drugs — has a real opportunity to participate in this growing industry. I am thrilled to work with Chairman Nadler on this timely and important step toward racial and economic justice.

This legislation will ensure that people of color can benefit from marijuana legalization and not sit on the sidelines as manbun hipsters get rich. The proposed bill would also seal cannabis-related records for qualifying individuals at no cost to them.

Most Democratic candidates for president support decriminalizing marijuana on the federal level, but Harris and Nadler take it up a notch: Their bill proposes a five percent federal tax on the sale of marijuana. This would in turn fund grant programs to help people who were screwed over for past doobie possession. This should improve Harris's standing with people who are still skeptical about her record as a California prosecutor. For instance, when she became attorney general, she didn't immediately free everyone from prison with her official skeleton key that opens all the doors.

Democratic frontrunner Joe Biden is also hep to the jive. His campaign released a criminal justice reform plan today, and Biden supports Mary Jane decriminalization. He'd even take marijuana off the Drug Enforcement Administration's Reefer Madness list. However, he stops short of supporting legalization for recreational use. This puts him to the right of most of the other 101 Democratic candidates on the issue. Uncle Joe is moving kind of slow at the weed junction.

Keep reading... Show less
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc