Republicans, Don’t Come For Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer Unless She Calls For You

Michigan’s badass governor murders some fools for Easter.

Nonessential employees are stuck at home and bored during the coronavirus lockdown, and few things are less essential than Republicans. Some have decided to pass the time by coming for Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer, and she keeps handing them their asses. I'm not one to kink shame but I suggest they spare themselves further embarrassment and just watch "Tiger King."

This weekend, Texas's junior senator and Donald Trump's wet wipe, Ted Cruz, tried to score one on Whitmer. He tweeted an article with what he believed was witty commentary about the $1,000 fines imposed on any Munchkins who dare defy the Wicked Whitmer of the Midwest's social distancing order. The photo attached showed the governor apparently breaking her own edict, signing her tyrannical law into effect among a crowd of contagious onlookers. Cruz didn't bother to consider that this was an old photo, especially since no one's dumb enough to have public signing ceremonies anymore during the coronavirus crisis. Whitmer's not a common Donald Trump.

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2020 democratic primary

Joe Biden Extends An Elbow To Bernie Sanders Supporters

Biden lets his progressiveish flag fly with new Medicare and student debt forgiveness plans

The prevailing argument in 2016 for why Sen. Bernie Sanders supporters should've backed Hillary Clinton is that even if she wasn't your candidate, you could still advocate for the policies important to you if she's president. Clinton would listen to you, whereas Donald Trump would ignore your pleas and just give you coronavirus.

Well, in fairness to third party voters, no one expected an economy-wrecking global pandemic. Now, we're soaking it in like Palmolive as we scrub our hands furiously. We should all understand what's at stake in this upcoming election, and if we're still too dense to realize it, at least Joe Biden isn't. He's already making an effort to unite the party's two wings, both alike in dignity.

Thursday, Biden announced two new Sanders-friendly policy proposals that aren't full of malarkey. The first lowers the eligibility age for Medicare from 65 to 60. There were several proposals for this out there, with age minimums as low as 55, but Biden hadn't supported them until now. He's linked his change in position to the coronavirus crisis, because even when life returns to some semblance of normality, Biden concedes that "older Americans are likely to find it harder to secure jobs." Fast fact, as Beakman would say: Workers over the age of 55 made up 49 percent of all new jobs in 2018. They were also a sizable percentage of employees in the temporarily (we hope) devastated restaurant industry.

Sanders and Biden tussled over Biden's record on Social Security. We won't get into that here, but it's definitely important that the Democratic nominee lead with a senior-friendly economic plan, especially post-coronavirus.

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2020 democratic primary

Mr. Monopoly Mike Bloomberg Breaks Promises To Campaign Staff, Sends Them Directly To Unemployment

They will not pass go or collect $200.

Shortly before the world ended, Mike Bloomberg was running for president. The billionaire's self-funded campaign was a Shangri-La for employees who received record-high salaries and perks beyond belief. A January Politico piece detailed the Robin Leach-style spectacle.

Bloomberg now has more than 1,000 people on his campaign payroll. Those employees got iPhone 11s and MacBooks and were put up in furnished Manhattan apartments if they relocated. Now, they enjoy catered meals throughout the long days they're expected to clock. The campaign's $750,000 travel tab, which includes the use of a private plane owned by Bloomberg's eponymous financial news organization, doesn't include airfare and hotels racked up this month as he zoomed in on California, Texas and Florida.

The campaign spent $10,000 on sushi alone.

Unfortunately, as with so many lifestyles of the rich and famous, Elizabeth Warren came along and ruined everything. Bloomberg's presidential ambitions are all over, and instead of sushi, his former campaign staff will have to settle for egg noodles and ketchup. Bloomberg fired everyone in early March, despite having promised most of them employment (at $6000 a month) through at least November. He graciously allowed them to keep their iPhones and MacBooks.

Wonkette said nice things about Bloomberg's beautiful promises before they were revealed as nothing but lies. We officially retract that and declare him a big suckball.

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Trump Will Put Americans Back To Work Over Their Nanas’ Dead Bodies

So very ‘pro-life.’

Donald Trump is already bored with all the social distancing he doesn't actually practice. According to Jonathan Lemire at the Associated Press, Trump misses his old hate rallies. He lies to Americans and insults reporters during his daily coronavirus briefings but it's not quite the same. Lemire shared the president's sorry emotional state with Nicolle Wallace on MSNBC Monday.

LEMIRE: He's frustrated that he's not able to run the campaign right now that he wants to, against Joe Biden. They thought they could unload their financial advantage to go after Biden to define him now, early in the campaign, like [Barack] Obama did to [Mitt] Romney in 2012, and Biden could not play catchup, and of course, he is missing the rallies and the road.

This doesn't seem like the kind of election where the opposing candidates need to “define" themselves. We know Biden is very old and not good with modern technology ... like a teleprompter. On the other hand, Trump is a deranged sociopath. That's the dynamic of the race. It won't change. We might as well just vote (by mail) today.

Now Trump is considering shutting down the shutdowns so his re-election campaign can focus on how great the economy is after millions of Americans have died in three months. The campaign ads film themselves. This might seem like a shocking disregard for human life — even from Trump — but he reassured everyone during his daily stock-market tanking presser that he totally gives AF whether we live or die.

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