Yep, he's still somehow president.
Donald Trump held a rally in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Tuesday night. It's one of the "battleground states" the president needs to hold if he wants to keep torturing us for another four years. NPR claimed Trump's speech "ranged widely," and it truly was a variety pack of crazy. He talked about dishwashers -- dishwashers, y'all -- like your angry grandfather who is both senile and a racist.
TRUMP: I'm also approving new dishwashers that give you more water so you can actually wash and rinse your dishes without having to do it 10 times -- five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10.
I can believe that if Trump ever actually came face-to-face with a dishwasher in his ridiculous, pampered life, he probably lost the encounter. This might explain his vendetta. The Department of Energy does regulate how much water dishwashers can use, and Trump hates regulations because he's a Republican and an old man, which is functionally the same thing.
Are we drinking? We're not not drinking!
Oh nothing, just making a mango roast chicken and waiting for Liz to write her emergency post on OH JUST MAYBE THEY WERE GOING TO DO A HIT ON MARIE YOVANOVITCH, NO BIG DEAL.
Or maybe she has already finished that and we have posted it! I don't know, it is hard to concentrate!
Oh ... Democratic ... debate?
First question for our distinguished panel of Joe and Pete and Liz and Bernie and Amy and Tom: IS THERE ANYTHING MORE ON THE YOVANOVITCH YET?
Bernie Said Joe Told Amy That Pete And Liz Are Faking Being Gay Ladies. Your Democratic Debate Preview!
Sorry, Tom Steyer, you don't fit in this headline.
GROAN, so have you been on the internet lately, GROAN?
If you have, GROAN, you may have noticed that the Democratic primary is behaving like an obnoxious two-year-old at the moment, and that is fine, all primary campaigns go through the Terrible Twos, which makes sense right now, since we have officially started the second year of this never-ending primary. What are they fighting about? The things. Who's right? Oh, just everyone, and also no one.
Meanwhile House GOP leader Kevin McCarthy is out there doing conspiracy theories about the Democratics rigging the primary against Liz and Bernie and for Joe by doing the impeachment trial right here before Iowa, as if airplanes do not exist, and ignoring the whole fact that if the Democratics are really doing that, then by definition they are also rigging it against Amy and for Pete. He says Joe should suspend his campaign during the impeachment trial, for #fairness.
Eat shit, dork.
Also meanwhile, there was a guest host on the Rush Limbaugh radio waves program, and it was Fox News idiot Mark Steyn, and he said there is a new #scandal brewing after Cory Booker's exit from the race race, as all the major players in tonight's debate (yes there is a debate, that is the point of this post) are white people, except HAW HAW, said Mark Steyn, followed by a "Pocahontas" joke about Elizabeth Warren, and also HAW HAW, said Mark Steyn, is Elizabeth Warren faking being a lady too? Is Pete Buttigieg faking being Teh Gay?
WELL ARE THEY?
STEYN: I mean, he looks like some guy from the accountancy department. He doesn't — that's a very non-gay look.
OK. Sounds like a real well-rounded guy there, who knows what Teh Gay looks like! Also, "accountancy department."
So anyway, about that debate. Why why why why why why why? Do we have to?
Oh yes, we have to, because "democracy."
Here are your questions about tonight's debate (in bold) and Wonkette's answers (in not bold):
Looks like it's time for The Talk again!
I keep thinking about dominance, and not in the sex way :(
I keep thinking about it as it pertains to white men, identity politics, the Left, the primary. Some Bernie people did not cover themselves in glory when they demanded conservatives, centrists, squishy liberals, and real liberals "bend the knee" to them. Sure, it's a quote from a popular television program. But people do not like being dominated. (It was also the most boring part of that popular television program. The hot queen is fighting on three fronts, including zombies, but she's going to take time every episode to demand someone "bend the knee"? Get your priorities in order, hot queen!) Insisting on "my way ... OR DRAGONS" is not actually awesome.
I am a Warren person, after first being a Kamala person. A plurality of Wonkette writers are Warren people too. One is Maybe Bernie. A couple are Affirmatively Undecided until it's time to vote but possibly leaning toward a more centrist candidate. Nobody is a Bidener, that I know of -- late-breaking news, we do have a Bidener! -- unless and until he wins the nom, at which point we will jump on that bandwagon so hard we break our ankles. There are people on staff (me!) who would vote Bernie before Biden, and people who would not do that. Maybe you're harder Left than we are, or less. Maybe you're more hawkish, or less. There's an entire spectrum, just among the staff. We argue quite a bit in the chatcave! There's a far larger spectrum outside it.
This is as low as Fox will get ... today.
Cory Booker dropped out of the presidential race today, which is a bummer. What's worse is that Fox News had something to say about it. There are many legitimate theories as to why Booker's campaign never caught fire. I personally thought he ran a reprise of Barack Obama's 2008 "hope and change" that was fundamentally unsuited for this current moment. Donald Trump is president. The country is inching toward war. It's tempting to look for a sweet, charming bald guy to unite the country with dad jokes, but it ignores the racial and cultural resentment that put Trump in the White House. Voters want actual substantial change, even if those in power prefer we don't. People want a living wage, affordable health care, and a planet that won't explode. Their top priority isn't whether the conservative and liberal members of an otherwise well-off family can discuss politics politely again.
That's just one opinion. I guess we could consider other, more racist ones. Fox's Melissa Francis suggested Booker's problem was that he was lazy, shiftless even.
We need to get money out of politics, for real.
Tuesday's Democratic debate in Iowa will be as white as, well, Iowa. Cory Booker dropped out of the race today because he didn't make the cut. Neither did Andrew Yang or even wannabe Obama Deval Patrick. As a presidential candidate, Patrick is like the alien race on Doctor Who that you only remember exists when you're looking right at them. Hey, no one ever said politics was easy ... or diverse. The candidates who didn't make it this far just didn't have a message that connected with voters. That's Tom Steyer's story, and he'll pay you good money to believe it.
Steyer has spent $116 million in television advertising. This marketing budget normally reserved for Star Wars movies was focused on Nevada and South Carolina. Steyer has started to see a return on his investment. Recent polls have him at third place in Nevada with 12 percent support and second place in South Carolina with 15 percent. Yes, you read that correctly. Steyer is second -- the one after first -- in South Carolina. That's also the state where his campaign "borrowed" voter data from Kamala Harris, so I don't know why he's still allowed to compete at all. It's insulting.
What's even more insulting is that Steyer won't cop to trying to buy the primary. No, he just has a great message that the poor bastards in Nevada and South Carolina can't escape.
Whatever you do, don't let this clown become speaker of the House.
Bernie Sanders is surging in the Democratic primary. He's leading recent polls in Iowa and New Hampshire. RealClearPolitics now show Sanders with roughly the same "betting odds" as Joe Biden. Brett Stephens is even warning the world of a socialist apocalypse. Sanders is a serious candidate for president, whether you like it or not, so it's a little strange to see Kevin McCarthy, the House Republican leader, feeling the Bern.
McCarthy stopped by Fox News Sunday morning to talk impeachment, and he ended up sounding like every Jerry Garcia lookalike I encountered after the 2016 election who complained that the Democratic Party rigged the primary against Sanders. I don't want to have that debate again, either here or in the comments. I just think it's odd that McCarthy's advocating for a politician he should (rightly) see as an existential threat to everything he represents, all of which is terrible.
The campaign that never should've been is now over.
Marianne Williamson's presidential campaign has ended its presence on our physical plane. This is devastating news for supporters of the "Orb Queen," who thought it was a great idea to replace an incompetent, anti-science president with another incompetent, anti-science president ... but with crystals!
Williamson announced last week that she was firing her campaign staff and would rely on unpaid Oompa Loompas to continue her long-shot bid for the White House. But you can't align the nation's chakras with negative cash flow. So, Williamson finally called it quits Friday.
From the Marianne2020 website:
I ran for president to help forge another direction for our country. I wanted to discuss things I felt needed to be discussed that otherwise were not. I feel that we have done that.
I stayed in the race to take advantage of every possible effort to share our message. With caucuses and primaries now about to begin, however, we will not be able to garner enough votes in the election to elevate our conversation any more than it is now. The primaries might be tightly contested among the top contenders, and I don't want to get in the way of a progressive candidate winning any of them.
As of today, therefore, I'm suspending my campaign.
Remember the famous Emma Goldman quote: Stop dancing, you're embarrassing the revolution.
Sorry guys, but Elizabeth Warren is flip-flopping and being inauthentic again. For one thing, we heard Goody Warren has been dancing, the internet told us.
There is even video evidence!
You are free to click around the bad parts of the internet and witness people saying it is disrespectful for Elizabeth Warren to dance while Donald Trump is bombing Iran or that she is being fake or that she is being "cringe," or you can just skip to Cory Booker's response to it, which is *chef's kiss*.
And that is officially all the time we've got for that shit.
In other news, Warren has just released videos and interviews with both Elle AND ALSO Cosmo, a day apart, like OK, PICK ONE MAGAZINE, FLIP-FLOPPER!
We don't have time for this crap.
The Washington Post ran one of those op-eds I hate. You know the one because we're so close: A Republican who hates Donald Trump "advises" Democrats on who we should nominate to beat him in November. This strikes me as odd because Republicans couldn't stop Trump when they had the chance. They were the only ones voting and he wound up their nominee. More people already voted for a Democrat, Hillary Clinton, over Trump, but that didn't matter because US democracy is goofy. However, there are encouraging signs in the polls that we can beat the freshly impeached Trump in the Electoral College. I think we're OK, even with our crazy socialist candidates. Republicans set their own house on fire. They can crash at our place for a while, but we don't need to listen to their interior design tips.
But, fine, whatever. Let's hear what this Republican has to say. I'm sure it won't annoy me at all.
Oh, FFS!The Washington Post
Mark Kelly is a goddamn astronaut!
Go West, young man! Don't spend all your time and energy in the Rust Belt, because we have just as good a shot at taking Arizona's 11 electoral votes as we do Wisconsin's 10. And we have a better than even chance of picking up a Senate seat in the Grand Canyon state if we can somehow induce our voters to show up like they did in 2018, when they rejected Martha McSally the first time. Which is why the senator just hit the panic button and begged for a bailout from out-of-state donors.
This morning, Public Policy Polling (PPP), a Democratic pollster, published new numbers on Arizona and Iowa. Trump has never been popular in Arizona, and 52 percent of respondents to a phone/text poll conducted in the past two weeks disapprove of the president. Even against a historically unpopular candidate in 2016 (we're not going to fight about this now!), Trump was only able to win by 3.6 percent, as compared to Romney's 9 point margin in 2012. And while he polls basically even with Joe Biden, and only slightly ahead of Sanders, Warren, and Buttigieg, about 8 percent of respondents remain undecided.
Oh, THAT'S how you deal with Megs McCabe!
Meghan McCain was two clouds above nine on "The View" Monday because Trump had just killed Iranian General Qasem Soleimani for reasons he's still workshopping. These are her childlike words on the impeachment-distracting strike that might lead us to war.
MCCAIN: For me, when a big, bad terrorist gets blown up, I'm happy about it.
Megs smash! Flag-draped violence is good, no matter the suspicious motivations or potential quagmire-shaped ramifications. Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren joined the "hot topics" table yesterday, and McCain called out the senator for raining on her military parade. First, though, she tried to butter her up with empty flattery.
MCCAIN: I believe you respect the American military and respect our troops. You have traveled overseas many times. I just want to say that first and foremost.
These are three sentences that met randomly and are embarrassed by how little they have in common. Warren doesn't need McCain to tell her she respects the military. She's not the one pardoning war criminals against their recommendations or pissing on the memories of dead war heroes. Warren responded to this with a curt "sure," which was awesome. She could tell a "but" was coming because she was talking to an asshole.
Congratulations, Chris Cillizza And Mitch McConnell! You've Both Won A One-Way Trip To Go-F*ck-Yourself-Ville!
They are very unhappy with Elizabeth Warren's statements on the Soleimani killing, how will she Yet She Persist her way out of this one?
Mitch McConnell and Chris Cillizza have thoughts about Elizabeth Warren's statements in the wake of Donald Trump's targeted killing of Iranian Maj. Gen. Qasem Soleimani. They are very bad and stupid thoughts.
Let's have a contest to see who can go fuck themselves the fastest!
Judith Sheindlin, who AP style dictates we should call "Judge Judy" on second reference, just endorsed Michael Bloomberg for president. This further upends the incredibly fluid Democratic primary race that Joe Biden has consistently led. Although the Judge Mathis endorsement will truly decide who's the Democratic nominee, this is still a big "get" for Bloomberg.
Judge Judy filmed a campaign ad for Bloomberg that we can expect to see everywhere because Bloomberg enjoys setting his money on fire like the Joker. It's called "Judge Him".... because she's a judge, you see. Look, we just report the titles. We're not responsible for them. Let's take a look.
We think it went well!
Julian Castro dropped out of the presidential race last week. That's a bummer. However, he just endorsed Elizabeth Warren this morning, which is awesome! Castro declares Planmaster Liz "the most-qualified, best-equipped candidate to win the nomination." Let's grab some tissue and watch his endorsement video together. It starts with a moving shout-out to the strong women in Castro's life.
CASTRO: There's one candidate I see who's unafraid to fight like hell that America's promise will be there for everyone, who'll make sure that no matter where you live in America or where your family came from in the world, you have a path for opportunity, too. That's why I'm proud to endorse Elizabeth Warren for president.
The Democratic primary keeps getting whiter.
Julian Castro officially ended his presidential campaign today. I don't feel the same shock I did when Kamala Harris dropped out -- maybe I'm numb -- but I'm just as disappointed. Castro is energetic, dynamic, and sympathetic to the struggles of all Americans, not just the ones in the rust belt. He had Cabinet-level experience, serving as Barack Obama's secretary of Housing and Urban Development. He was the former mayor of San Antonio, Texas, where he grew up. He was on the short list for consideration as Hillary Clinton's running mate in 2016 (hindsight is, er, 2020 but I think he'd have been a better choice than Tim Kaine). He was also statistically unlikely to die in office.
That's what hurts the most. Castro was invisible to white voters, especially to the predominately white voters in Iowa and New Hampshire, which have an outsized influence in selecting the Democratic nominee. Castro wasn't a crystal-waving kook or a businessman with no political experience and an allergy to ties. He was a serious candidate who was never taken seriously. His polling numbers were roughly equal to Crystal Pepsi.
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