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2020 democratic primary

Can Mike Bloomberg Save Democrats, His Bank Account From Elizabeth Warren?

She's got the centrists scared silly!

Elizabeth Warren is a frontrunner now in the Democratic primary, and this has a lot of foxes worried that a chick might wind up running the hen house. The "establishment" -- Democrats, Republicans, anyone with a morning talk show -- wants a return to the status quo, where the president was polite and no one complained about their student loan debt and medical-related bankruptcy. The "establishment" is convinced only Joe Biden can beat him. Warren, however, doesn't see the point of a primary if she doesn't try to win actually win it. This unorthodox campaign strategy has thrown Biden off his footing. He had a disappointing fundraising quarter, coming in behind Warren, Bernie Sanders, and Pete Buttigieg, and people are starting to worry.

"A lot of us are really concerned," another Democratic bundler said. "We think Biden is the strongest out of the lot, but he hasn't exactly shown that he can play the part yet."

They're desperate for a central casting president, aren't they? Biden just needs to learn his lines and commit to the part. But the show must go on and what it Biden can't perform? On "Morning Joe" the other day, Mika Brzezinski fretted over Biden's struggles. If he doesn't win, that leaves a "void" in the Democratic Party. Who can possibly beat Trump? Trump's approval rating is 42 percent. I was a liberal arts major but I'm still confident that's a minority of the electorate. People are acting like he's George Foreman before the Rumble in the Jungle.

BRZEZINSKI: I personally love Elizabeth Warren... I would potentially vote for her.

Your enthusiasm is overwhelming.

BRZEZINSKI: But you know what? The people who are really tired of Trump who are looking for an alternative, who would be very comfortable with Joe Biden, they're left without a candidate if Joe Biden can't make it through.

No, these people aren't "left without a candidate." There are enough Democrats running that every voter could have their own personally engraved candidate. OK, fine, I guess fragile white men need a Biden backup. Howard Schultz dropped out, but there's no dearth of rich white guys who think they know everything and can run the country. What's former New York mayor Mike Bloomberg up to these days? Bloomberg said in March he wasn't going to run, but that was before Biden launched his campaign. Uncle Joe was at his peak electability.

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Impeachment

Sondland Opts For The 'I'm An Idiot, And So Are You' Defense

It's a bold move, Cotton!

Ambassador to the EU Gordon Sondland has A PLAN. It's not a very good plan. In fact, it's downright idiotic. But nonetheless the guy who spent the summer running point on Ukraine for the White House has worked out what he's going to say to the congressional impeachment committees when he testifies this coming Thursday.

He'll take his oath, look those politicians in the eye, and tell them I NEVER NOHOW REALIZED THAT INVESTIGATING BURISMA MEANT INVESTIGATING JOE BIDEN. AND YEAH I KNEW THAT DONALD TRUMP WAS WITHHOLDING AID AT THE SAME TIME HE WAS INSISTING ON THE INVESTIGATION, BUT I HAD NO IDEA THOSE TWO THINGS MIGHT BE RELATED.

Toldja it was a stupid plan.

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2020 democratic primary

At CNN Town Hall, Democrats Talk About LGBTQ People Like They Are People

Oh, and Joe Biden comes out as gay.

Nine of the Democratic presidential candidates participated in CNN's Equality Town Hall Thursday night. They directly addressed issues relevant to LGBTQ Americans as if they are citizens who vote. This is probably one of the biggest shifts in politics I've personally witnessed in my (middle-lengthy) adult life. LGBTQ people were politically invisible just a couple decades ago. If they were acknowledged at all, the focus remained on the perspective and comfort level of straight people. Here's a CNN compilation of presidential and vice presidential candidates declaring their opposition to same-sex marriage. This includes Ellen DeGeneres's BFF George W. Bush and current Democratic candidate Joe Biden, who eventually voiced his support in 2012. Ellen should probably hang out more with Uncle Joe.

Presidential Candidates on Same-Sex Marriage www.youtube.com

So, in just seven years and two presidential cycles, Democrats stopped centering heterosexual unions. They no longer nod and agree with Republicans that we must defend "traditional" marriage from whatever gay people are doing that they'd rather not discuss. Two of the moderators at last night's town hall were openly gay men, Anderson Cooper and Don Lemon. Lemon is engaged and plans to "redefine" the hell out of marriage. And we should never forget that an actual presidential candidate, Pete Buttigieg, is openly gay and married to a man. Even back in 2008, when the leading Democratic candidates were a black man and a woman, we'd have considered this a fantasy or merely the subject for an unfunny "Saturday Night Live" sketch. Now, it's reality, assholes, and if you start talking about "traditional marriage between one man and one woman," our girl Elizabeth Warren is going to tell you to sit down and shut up.

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2016 Presidential Election

Senate Intel Finds SURPRISE, Trump Got A Big Boost From His Pal Putin

See Republicans, telling the truth isn't so hard after all.

The Senate Intelligence Committee issued the second installment of its report on interference in the 2016 election. This edition was subtitled "Russia's Use of Social Media," and SPOILER ALERT, the committee agreed with everyone outside the Wingnut Bubble that it was the Russians. We don't know who needs to hear this, but:

The Committee found that the IRA [Internet Research Agency] sought to influence the 2016 U.S. presidential election by harming Hillary Clinton's chances of success and supporting Donald Trump at the direction of the Kremlin.

LOL, we're kidding! We know exactly who needs to hear it, and it's Trump's Attorney General Bill Barr, who spent last week in Italy chasing down nutty professor Joseph Mifsud in an effort to prove that HILLARY CLINTON IS THE REAL COLLUSION because ...

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Environment

What Elizabeth Warren Environmental Justice Plan Are We Going To Debunk Tod... Wait

Heart eyes emoticon!

Elizabeth Warren is out with another of her darn plans, this time a proposal to pursue environmental justice as part of her overall commitment to fighting climate change. This is the seventh Warren policy proposal to touch on some aspect of addressing the climate crisis, and she vows to devote at least a third of federal climate funding to communities that have been screwed over by the fossil fuel economy. That's roughly a trillion dollars over ten years. Warren would make sure those communities that have borne the brunt of our messed-up climate have a say in how the cleanups and the green manufacturing of tomorrow will go forward -- a topic she brought up while visiting voters in Charleston, South Carolina, yesterday.

The timing of the new plan coincides with California's biggest electric utility, Pacific Gas & Electric, choosing to cause a huge blackout because its antiquated equipment and grid risk sparking wildfires. PG&E's crappy management and haphazard maintenance caused multiple California wildfires in recent years, made worse by the climate change caused by burning coal and oil for electricity for a century. More and more parts of the country can look forward to that kind of disruption becoming the norm.

Quick, somebody tell us we can't afford clean energy.

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2020 presidential election

Chris Cillizza Too Much Of A Joke To Know When Hillary Clinton Is Joking

Please put your boner back in your pants.

Hillary Clinton epically trolled Donald Trump the other day. Trump suggested in a tweet Tuesday that the people's president should run against him in 2020 instead of the "Uber Left Elizabeth Warren." Clinton responded with the sick burn, "Don't tempt me. Do your job."

Twitter

Sensible people understood Clinton was joking. They also know Clinton was robbed either constitutionally or out-right criminally, so it's exciting to imagine a possible rematch. But men who hate seeing women happy on the Internet had their testicles in a twist. They think Clinton's about to pounce at them from the electoral tub where they hoped she'd drowned. Matt Gorman, who helped Jeb! Bush and Mitt Romney lose, even declared that a "Trump vs. Hillary" news cycle amounted to an "in-kind contribution to the Trump campaign."

Chris Cillizza published a bedtime story posing an "analysis" yesterday where he reassured scared little boys that the pantsuited bogeyman isn't really running for president again. Clinton's not hiding under their beds. She's just selling books with her daughter on the talk show circuit ... or is she? Cillizza isn't sure himself.

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Education

Joe Biden Has College Plan, Definitely Has Word 'College' In It!

I mean, okay.

Joe Biden yesterday released a higher education plan focused on strengthening community colleges, historically black colleges and universities (HBCUs) and minority-serving institutions, and workforce training. The central features include making public community college tuition-free to all students enrolled in a two-year program and tweaks to Pell Grant and student loan programs that would make college more affordable.

The Biden plan is decidedly more modest than proposals from Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Julián Castro, who all call for federal support for free tuition at four-year state colleges and universities. Instead, Biden's plan builds on Barack Obama's second-term community college proposal, from around the time Sanders was talking free college for everybody. We were originally planning on saying Biden wants to Make America 2015 Again, but Biden's proposal does have good ideas in it -- and may be more likely to actually get passed. And it is a ton better than what we have now. Let's dig in!

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2020 presidential election

What Dumb Wingnut Lie About Elizabeth Warren Shall We Debunk Today?

Elizabeth Warren appropriated her pregnancy.

With election season and impeachment both heating up, the (mostly) rightwing bullshit factory is swinging into gear and trying to find stuff that might tarnish Democratic candidates. At the moment, those without too many critical thinking skills are giddily announcing they've caught Elizabeth Warren in a HUGE LIE about having been fired from her first teaching job for being pregnant, because the school never wrote down "Fired for being a pregnant married lady" as the reason for her dismissal. It's bullshit, of course, and for the most part, respectable media outlets aren't buying into the wingnut (and a few unfortunate leftists') gaslighting. But as with the Obama birther conspiracy bullshit, just the existence of the gaslighting campaign makes a debunking necessary. Doing that debunking without reinforcing the bullshit is the trick -- and believers in (mostly) rightwing bullshit are remarkably resistant to mere facts. Which is, not for nothing, why it's taken 40 years to start doing anything about climate change. Worse, some supporters of other Democratic and/or Democrat-caucusing independent candidates are piling on, advancing the rightwing bullshit, because some people never learn.

Yes, it's all incredibly stupid, and relies on deliberately presenting misleading partial information and insisting minor differences in what Warren has said about the firing -- decades later -- constitute a "lie," even when there are no real inconsistencies in her statements. Let's unwind this fucktangle, shall we? We shall.

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2020 democratic primary

How Responsible Is Kamala Harris For What Goes On At Husband's Firm On Scale Of Not At All To Hell, Naw?

Harris 'forced' to deal with more sexist media coverage.

Vanina Guerrero, a junior partner at DLA Piper, has accused one of the law firm's top deal makers of sexual assault. Guerrero charged in a complaint that Louis Lehot attacked her at least four times since she joined the firm in September 2018. Lehot is the co-managing partner at DLA Piper's branch in Palo Alto, California. He's also (allegedly) an asshole who Guerrero claims "regularly" told her "she was a successful lawyer only because men were attracted to her."

This case is gross and awful, but it's also larger news because Kamala Harris's husband, Douglas Emhoff, is a partner at DLA Piper. Of course, Emhoff isn't Lehot, not even if you rearrange the letters in his name. But people who've watched "Ally McBeal" or "Boston Legal" think big firms have just three partners who know each other and make all the decisions. DLA Piper has 1,246 partners and 3,702 total employees. Emhoff is also based in the Los Angeles, California, and DC offices. The press still treated us to the following headline:

NBC News

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Impeachment

If You Don’t Stop And Look Around, You Might Miss The Impeachment. Your Sunday Show Rundown!

When the best you've got defending you on the Sunday shows is Ron Johnson and Jim Jordan, your prospects are not looking good.

The long-awaited Trump impeachment is speeding up! Mark Zaid, one of the attorneys for the Ukrainium One whistleblower, has stated he is now representing " multiple whistleblowers. The announcement of a second whistleblower -- the second intel whistleblower, on top of the IRS whistleblower who already existed, and who is being described as "an intelligence official with first-hand knowledge" (NOT "hearsay," Lindsey Graham!) of some of the allegations outlined in the original complaint, threw a wrench on ALL the talking points of Trump's ardent defenders, to the point that nobody from the White House even showed up for the Sunday shows. But a couple of idiots from Congress did!

It was perhaps most difficult this week for GOP Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin. Appearing on NBC's "Meet The Press," OshKosh M'Gosh Johnson was asked about what he told the Wall Street Journal about how EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland told him Trump was doing quid pro quos with Ukraine and basically extorting the nation for electoral assistance in exchange, but don't worry, Donald Trump told him that's a damn lie and Donald Trump always tells the truth.

It did not go well for Johnson.

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Sex

You Know What Liz Warren Was Missing? SEXY. Thanks Jacob Wohl And The Other One!

There wasn't even a fake website this time. Very lazy, guys.

Rightwing conspira-fraudsters Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman held a great big press conference today in a ludicrous attempt to smear Elizabeth Warren, and it was very, very entertaining. There were two big surprises: 1) Warren's alleged rental boy-toy, an absolutely legitimate "former Marine sex worker," actually showed up for the event, and B) Burkman's little dachshund, Jack Jr., wasn't audible, at least not in the Periscope video stream I watched.

The allegations of a months-long series of kinky rentboy sexual encounters from the supposed Marine, one "Kelvin Whelly," didn't so much elicit gasps as guffaws, because nobody's stupid enough to take Wohl and Burkman seriously anymore. Nope, not even Wohl's former employer, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, bothered to give it the time of day.

So here's the video link, for those of you daft enough to want to see three dipshits embarrass themselves in public. LUCKY YOU: it's not embeddable. Whelly read from a prepared statement, and had difficulty not cracking up himself at some of the more over the top moments. Here it is, from the Twitters. What's the significance of "Project 1599"? Your guess is as good as anyone's.

Update: Silly us: it's just Burkman's street address in Arlington.



Whelly said he had been hired by Warren through an online escort service, and that she flew him out to Massachusetts for the first time in August, 2018. In the very best Penthouse Forum prose, Whelly asserts that before their rendezvous at the Hilton in Woburn, he was a little nervous, because "I had spent time with older women before, but never a woman older than 60."

And oh, my, he assets that Warren was an absolute maniac, who "wanted not just rough sex but extensive BDSM play." Uh huh. And we bet she asked him to dress up like Jamie Dimon so she could spank him with a copy of the Sherman Antitrust Act, too.

Whelly purports to have been "shocked" by just how violent Warren liked to do sex, and that while he generally doesn't ask his clients if they're married, this time he just happened to, and Warren casually revealed the SHOCKING TRUTH. Here is the very realistic dialogue she said to him:

"Yes, I am married My husband and I are in an open relationship [...] In my line of work, this is a fairly common arrangement. You wouldn't believe how many studs like you show up to the Congressional retreats."

Look, if you wanted to make it really sound like Elizabeth Warren, you could have at least had her say something about taxing Wall Street -- sinfully.

Poor Whelly couldn't even keep a straight face when he got to the bit about Warren supposedly having a lesbionic threesome with him and a young lady friend of his, "using a lime green strap-on dildo" new from the box.

Also, for some reason, they want us to think Warren confessed to having a secret illegitimate daughter named "Lisa," born after a one-night stand 37 years ago. Because hoor.

It was pathetic. Wohl and Burkman had the dude take off his shirt to show the supposed scars from Warren's whippings with a cat o' nine tails, although that fell apart pretty quickly -- someone immediately found old Instagram photos of the welts, which he said he'd gotten when he was hit by a chain while disassembling an old swing. Or an old swinger, amIright?

Wohl, the original lime green strap-on dildo, also took pains to explain why he was bringing all this forward: "We all know women are more hormonal than men," and he just wanted to save America the grief that would come from electing Warren and then having a "hormonally unstable" sex fiend in the White House. Because he cares. Also, NORMAL women take their husbands' last name when they get married, so Warren is an abnormal sex fiend, QED.

Another Update: How could I forget this? At one point, a heckler asked Wohl if he was on psychiatric medication. Swear to god, he invoked HIPAA and said his medical records were private.

Warren seems not to recognize her political career is over, oddly enough.

(Yet another damn update: HD video on YouTube, but darned if we want to pay a licensing fee to embed it.)

Ma'am.

Giphy


[Ford Fischer on Twitter / Yr Dok Zoom on Twitter]

Yr Wonkette is supported entirely by reader donations. Please send us money so we can bring you the latest wild sex tales from the 2020 campaign, and real news too.

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Class War

Hey Any Bernie Sanders News Today?

Yes! He's got a new CEO tax!

Yr Wonkette would like to wish Bernie Sanders a speedy recovery after some chest discomfort Tuesday evening sent him off to a hospital, where doctors found an arterial blockage and inserted two stents. His campaign team has cancelled his appearances for the time being. A campaign aide told the New York Times Sanders "feels better than ever because that's how people feel after they get a stent and there's more blood flow." Now don't overdo it, OK? As Wonkette's Stephen Robinson points out, if this were anyone other than a presidential candidate, their doctor would probably NOT recommend a year of sleeping badly, eating randomly (and state fair food at that), incessant travel, and the ridiculous stress of the always-on news cycle.

Which means Sanders, 78, is likely to be back out campaigning within a couple of weeks, because the people who run for president are every bit as crazy as the system we use to elect them. Take care of yourself, ya nut, so you can ease back into things. Maybe, while convalescing, Sanders can come up with some nice relaxing policy proposals, like his plan, released Monday, to fight income inequality by raising taxes on companies where CEO pay is grossly disproportionate to what average workers get. (This is what we in the writing biz call a "transition." A really clumsy one!)

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Media/Entertainment

Redundancy Alert Cartoon Donald Trump Is Cartoon, Redundant

Sock it ... to me?

In the midst of his impeachment imbroglio, Donald Trump last night tweeted a little video made by a Trump supporter, with little video snippets rotoscoped into cartoon form, over some bland Trump teleprompter speech we suppose is meant to be inspiring, as if anyone listened. (Huffpo identifies it as his 2017 Liberty University commencement speech, which would explain why he's not ranting about emails and globalists.)

Take heart from this fact: No taxpayer funds went into making the video, which was made by some Twitter guy with the handle "Power Tie," and who Slate says tweeted his labor of love "several times" before Trump finally shared it.

Charlie Pierce has it right: The shrooms must have kicked in.

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Media/Entertainment

Kamala Harris Parodied On SNL, Doesn't Even Arrest Maya Rudolph

Being a good sport IS A COP.

Senator Kamala Harris is getting lots of credit for her reaction to being parodied on this week's season premiere of "Saturday Night Live." Instead of whining that Maya Rudolph was mean to her, like certain very presidential individuals might, Harris was delighted, even though the Rudolph impersonation included the mandatory "Kamala's a COP" reference.

Here's the sketch, which is honestly hilarious (if a TOUCH mean to Bernie Sanders, but not too bad), Rebecca is adding in here that it was hilarious because apparently at the end of this post Dok will call it "only okay," which she will edit out because what the fuck Dok.

DNC Town Hall - SNL www.youtube.com

Like Woody Harrelson (as Joe Biden) and Larry David (as Bernie Sanders), Rudolph appeared as a guest for the one-shot appearance, and did pretty good Kamala Harris vocal gestures, telling moderator "Erin Burnett" (Cecily Strong), "That girl you just introduced? That girl was me!" She continued,

I'm not just that little girl. I'm also America's cool aunt. A fun aunt -- I'd call that a funt. The kind of funt who would give you weed and then arrest you for having weed. Can I win the presidency? Probably not, I dunno! Can I successfully seduce a much younger man? You'd better funtin' believe it.

And just to prove that if you elect her president, Kamala Harris won't call for NBC to fire Maya Rudolph, Harris took to Twitter first thing Sunday morning to say she was perfectly pleased with the bit, so people will remember she's a good sport, not the very mild jabs:

That's a smart candidate, or a smart comms team, or even both!

Also, Andrew Yang liked his portrayal by Bowen Yang, but -- not to take anything away from SNL's first Asian cast member (no hurry, Lorne Micheals, we guess Asians just got funny this year) -- Andrew Yang is on his way to becoming a bar trivia question.

We liked Beto O'Rourke's (Alex Moffat) offer to "say a few words in eighth-grade Spanish." Some bits were a little lazy, like just having Larry David do old guy who can't work the remote jokes, and you'd think the writers could have done more with Kate McKinnon's Elizabeth Warren -- like maybe having her present a 17-page plan to talk a guy down off a bad trip on Orange Sunshine. Ah, but we are in a fallen age.

[SNL on Youtube / Kamala Harris on Twitter]

Dok is not allowed to write about Saturday Night Live anymore just like he is not allowed to write about UFOs, like hello it is the Air Force showing flying saucer videos and you are still like "look at the rubes"? FOR SHAME DOK. Please send money to keep Dok off the streets.

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Ukraine

It's Getting Hard Out Here For Trump's Henchmen

It's the Sunday show rundown!


After a week where Trump was exposed by a whistleblower for keeping aid from Ukraine to extort them for political help, confirming all the facts himself with the transcript of the call, involving the Attorney General in the scheme, and revelations of a secret server ("But HER EMAILS!!!), Trump's liddle' defenders have had such a hard time, they even made Chuck Todd do journalism! But that doesn't mean the clown car of sycophants didn't try on ALL the Sunday shows. So let's take a look at these idiots in chronological order.

We begin with Ohio congressman and proof that dumb jocks in high school just get dumber with age, Rep. Jim Jordan. Appearing bright and early on CNN's "State of the Union," Jordan tried his best to steer the conversation away from Trump's many impeachable crimes over to the bullshit Ukrainium One story that the GOP has settled on. After listening on and on to Jordan spit lies, Jake Tapper finally facted check Jordan and left him sputtering like a the moron he is.

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Politics

Beto Calls On Trump To Resign, Like That's Gonna Happen

Please, we're lucky if he leaves when he's voted out.

During an appearance at The Texas Tribune Festival that is probably getting way more attention than it normally would because today is pretty boring news-wise (not that we are complaining), Beto O'Rourke tried to shake things up by calling for Donald Trump to resign, or at least for those around him to encourage him to do so.

"The best possible path ... is for this president to resign, allow this country to heal and ensure that we come back together with the greatest, most ambitious agenda we've ever faced, none of it possible while he remains in office," the former El Paso congressman said during a conversation with MSNBC's Garrett Haake at The Paramount Theatre in Austin.

He also said the same thing earlier this week on CNN. It is apparently his new thing that he is going with.

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