He Moved On China Like A B*tch, But He Just Couldn't Get There

Trade wars are dumb. And really, really dumb.

Bad Santa strikes again! After sending global stock markets reeling with his August 1 Twitter declaration that the remaining $300 billion of un-tariffed Chinese imports would face a 10 percent levy starting in September, our demented leader has just announced that some of those tariffs will be delayed. So don't say he never gave you anything!

The US Trade Representative's website explains, "Certain products are being removed from the tariff list based on health, safety, national security and other factors and will not face additional tariffs of 10 percent." Which of these public welfare exceptions cover the "cell phones, laptop computers, video game consoles, certain toys, computer monitors, and certain items of footwear and clothing" that will escape tariffs until December 15? Not clear! Perhaps it dawned on the Stable Genius that adding 10 percent to the cost of every gift under the tree might not endear him to the Real Murikans in the White Jesus Heartland.

Aw, we're just funnin' ya! Everyone knows it's the Chinese who pay those tariffs, while Americans get richer and richer.

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2020 Congressional Elections

John Cornyn Really Really Really Really Really Really REALLY Doesn't Want Beto To Run For Senate


This is ... pathetic.

You need a "Stand Against Beto Fund" to tell Beto O'Rourke that Texas does not want him to run for Senate, just in case Beto decides to run for Senate, which would be so bad that you need an extra fund, even though Texas does not want that? OK, buddy! We feel like we can see where you are coming from, John Cornyn! You're fuckin' scared.

The tweet linked below goes to an editorial from the Houston Chronicle imploring Beto to do just that. Come home. Run for Senate. WIN. As one might expect, they talked about the "what the fuck" heard 'round the world, when a journalist decided to ask him if Donald Trump's batshit eliminationist rhetoric about Hispanic invasions might be linked to a white guy driving hours and hours to murder Hispanic people, and publishing a manifesto on the internet that literally quoted the president's (and Fox News's) invasion rhetoric. "What the fuck," indeed.

The Chronicle addresses the obvious elephant in the room, which is that, so far at least, Beto's presidential bid hasn't worked out the way Vanity Fair thought it might. And that's OK. We guess his fortunes could turn around, but ... yeah no probably not.

However, we keep seeing things about the GOP losing its fucking marbles over Texas (we had a thing on it last week, partially about the insane number of Texas Republican congressmen who are getting the fuck out of Dodge before they get kicked out, and Politico has a new thing on it this week), and the more we think about it, the more we think Beto does need to be on Texas's ballot if we want 2020 to be the year when we finally tip Texas over and make it blue. Not saying he's the only one who could do it, but that we'd have a damn good shot at it.

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Post-Racial America

Anthony Scaramucci Taps Out ... Long After The Ref Called The Match


Oh, noes! We've had another Scaramucci outbreak. Quick, grab the cortisone and start rubbing before it spreads!

That's right, the Mooch is back, baby. Do you have questions about Donald Trump's mental competence? Or who in Washington can suck his own cock? Or perhaps the finer plot points of The Wizard of Oz?

Clearly you need to have done A LOT of drugs to parse that analogy, but if we had to guess, he's saying Donald Trump is a crazy melted green witch, so all the Republicans will now abandon him and become Friends of Dorothy for Mike Pence.

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Donald Trump REALLY Doesn't Want You To See His Tax Returns

Your lawsplainer update on who Trump is suing this week

At the end of July, California Governor Gavin Newsom signed SB 27, the Presidential Tax Transparency and Accountability Act, which requires candidates for president and governor to release their tax returns to appear on the California primary ballot. So naturally, Trump is suing to keep his skeevy finances private.

As The Root so aptly put it:

President Donald Trump once claimed that if he wasn't being audited he'd have no problem showing his tax returns. While tax-return flashing isn't a requirement to be president, it's been the unspoken norm that all presidents since Richard Nixon have adhered to. As it stands, Trump is the only modern president not to release his tax returns, and most likely that's because he listed Russian prostitute urine as a write-off.

Spurred by Trump's refusal to release his tax returns -- including to the House Ways and Means Committee -- states around the country have sprung into action. New York passed a law that would allow its Department of Taxation and Finance to give Ways and Means an individual's state tax returns upon request. Trump already filed a batshit insane lawsuit to try to stop that one. So add in California, and the president is involved in lawsuits on both coasts to try to stop people from seeing his taxes. Troubling, you say? Pshaw.

But Trump isn't the only one suing. A handful of suits have been filed over SB 27, by Trump, the RNC and California Republican Party, and our buddies over at Judicial Watch. As you might imagine, the complaints are chock full of little gold nuggets.

But with regard to the constitutionality of this new law ... *takes deep breath* ... Donald Trump, the GOP, and Judicial watch might actually have a point, here.

(No, I can't believe I just typed those words, either.)

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FiveThirtyEight: Is Any Democrat Man Enough To Challenge Ubermensch Trump?

Voters are dumb and sexist. What can you do?

We're often told that because a woman lost to Donald Trump last time, the only way Democrats can safely slay the Trump-beast next year is to nominate a powerful, strapping working-class hero such as Joe Biden. That's just what we're told. We never said it made sense. However, FiveThirtyEight argues that no matter which man pulls the sword from the stone, he'll still have to contend with Trump's flaming virility.


Excuse us a second.

OK, we're back.

The apparent thesis of Amelia Thomson-DeVeaux's article is that Trump governs like John Wayne, Vito Corleone, or even Regina George from Mean Girls. Trump sits around eating Big Macs and rage-tweeting about people who are mean to him on TV. Even if we accept toxic masculinity as a positive trait to admire in a president, we wouldn't describe a woman president who behaved identically to Trump as "tough." She'd be dismissed as "hysterical." Let's imagine President Donna Trump gushing over a "beautiful letter" she received from a brutal dictator.

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Elizabeth Warren Has A Plan To Make Shopping At Walmart Less Shooty

You'd still be at a Walmart, though.

Over the weekend, 17 of the Democratic presidential candidates spoke at a forum on what to do about guns, held by Everytown for Gun Safety in Des Moines, Iowa. Two of them published plans outlining what they'd do to reduce gun violence. Joe Biden wrote an op-ed for the New York Times calling for a return and update of the Clinton-era ban on semiautomatic assault rifles and high-capacity magazines. Elizabeth Warren, ever the overachiever in the class, offered a far more ambitious plan with the goal of reducing overall gun deaths in America by 80 percent. Gosh, we wish we didn't have to repeat familiar tropes about the 2020 campaign, bur here's Joe Biden looking to revive (yes, and extend) an idea from the past, and Warren offering a much more comprehensive plan that includes a ban on assault rifles as just one component. Where oh where is the media narrative coming from?

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White Nonsense

Bill Maher: Champion Of Mediocrity

Underqualified white men, you have your champion!

Bill Maher is an assclown. This is not the first time we have outlined this. But it is important we set the stage at where we are. On the August 2 episode of “Real Time with Bill Maher," he ended his show with his usual “NEW RULES" segment, with the final one always a small rant. Here it is for context:

In this rant, Maher tried to convince his audience to support Joe Biden by talking down to them:

Fatigue is the best thing we've (Democrats) got going for us […] The voters that Democrats need to win, the moderates who have Trump fatigue, will vote against the good economy I think just to get back to normalcy. But they won't trade it away for left-wing extremism. […] This election is about 2 things: Fatigue and Fear. We have Fatigue, He has Fear. Fear of 'socialism', fear of 'open borders', fear of 'getting rid of private health insurance', fear of 'higher taxes.' He's running on "The communists are coming! Shit yourselves." We should run on “Elect Me and we can stop talking about him." All the Democrats have to do to win is to come off less crazy than him...and of course they're blowing it! Coming across as unserious people who are going to take away all your money so migrants from Honduras can go to college for free and get a major in “America Sucks." Now do I want Biden to be president? Not really, but Biden is the only one who beats Trump in Ohio. He's like non-dairy creamer: Nobody loves it but in a jam, it gets the job done[…] He's like a McDonald's when you're in Europe. I'm sick of hearing Democrats need to "excite the base." TRUMP EXCITES THE BASE! […] let the fatigue win the election for us. […]
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Everywhere Else News

The 2019 Puerto Rico Governor Hunger Games Have A Winner! (For Now)

Give it a day.

So Puerto Rico has now had three governors (the equivalent of the president in any other country) in a week. Take that, mainland United States Congress!!!

After the Puerto Rico Supreme Court found that Pedro Pierluisi was unconstitutionally sworn-in as governor and told to him vacate La Fortaleza (The Fortress, the name of the governor's mansion in Old San Juan), Wanda Vazquez Garced became the Governor of Puerto Rico. On his way out, Pierluisi released a taped statement that appeared to be filmed in front of a green screen:

Or on the set of Lex Luthor's library in Richard Donner's Superman.

Even had Otis doing sign language!

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2020 presidential election

Elizabeth Warren Has A Plan For The Rural Jurors

It's Warren rural pluralism!

Elizabeth Warren is at it again with another policy proposal, this one aimed at revitalizing rural America, which she says has been squeezed by increasingly consolidated agribusinesses, and largely ignored by Washington. It's a good old progressive agenda for the heartland that should shut up anyone who thinks reaching out to rural voters means you have to sound like Donald Trump without the overt racism. Warren, who grew up in Oklahoma, knows better, as does Yr Editrix's mom.

The plan also makes an overt call for Democrats not to write off red-state progressives. Yes, there are more Dems in the urbs and suburbs, but you can't ignore such a big chunk of the country. (Hello, 50-state strategy!)

A strong America requires a strong rural America. Rural communities are home to 60 million people, hundreds of tribal nations, and a growing number of new immigrants who account for 37% of rural population growth. These communities feed our nation. And they are leading the country in sustainable energy, generating 99% of America's wind energy and pioneering efforts to harness solar energy.

As with many of her policy proposals, Warren emphasizes America is paying a huge opportunity cost by centering the economy on the already rich and the financial sector. Invest in rural areas, and millions of families will be able to create and develop wealth, benefiting the country as a whole. While we're at it, maybe it would be a good idea to notice that rural areas are on the front line of climate change -- if the nation's food supply is imperiled by changing growing conditions and invasive species, we're in a spot of trouble, no? (Wouldn't you know it, feral hogs are among the malign critters whose range and numbers are increasing with warmer climate. Fuckers are everywhere, though not in the Warren policy paper.)

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Everywhere Else News

Siri, Who Is The Governor Of Puerto Rico?

Your Mini-Constitutional Crisis Update!

When we last checked in with the United States most ignored favorite colony, Puerto Rico had just forced their governor, Ricardo Rosselló, to announce his resignation effective August 2 after weeks of intense protests. The protests were sparked by years of corruption and 889 pages of leaked chats involving the governor, secretary of state, and other top officials. This forced many in the administration to resign and, after a disastrous Fox News interview, Rosselló soon joined them. But this was not a tidy happy ending.

Because the secretary of state (second in line for the governorship) resigned prior to Rosselló, there was no clear answer who was next in the line of succession. By Article IV of the Constitution of Puerto Rico, Secretary of Justice Wanda Vázquez Garced would have been the next governor until the 2020 elections. But amid protests due to various scandals and controversies outlined by the New York Times (and probably not wanting to be in charge in a shitshow), Ms. Vázquez Garced announced she didn't want the job.

With the deadline bearing down, Rosselló announced July 31 that he had chosen Pedro Pierluisi Urrutia as the new secretary of state to fill the vacancy left by Luis G. Rivera Marín. This effectively made him the next in line and successor as governor, so crisis averted! Just kidding.

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Post-Racial America

Trump Idiots Sh*tting Bed Over Joaquin Castro Revealing Top Secret Public Info About Them

Holy fuck these people are stupid.

Y'all, last night on the internet was WAY dumber than 30-50 feral hogs. It was, like, at least 70-90 feral hogs. Per minute.

But instead of 70-90 feral hogs running into your yard to play with your kids, it was 70-90 feral conservatives losing their goddamned marbles over the fact that Rep. Joaquin Castro, who runs his brother Julián Castro's presidential campaign, tweeted a list of publicly available names of donors from San Antonio (his district) who have already maxed out their contributions to Donald Trump for 2019.

The way they're responding, you'd think conservatives had just discovered that when they make a contribution to a candidate, that information is public and searchable on the internet, with exactly the information listed right there in Castro's tweet. Many of them probably have just discovered it for the first time, because conservatives are very stupid people.

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Republicans SHOOK About Texas. No, Not The El Paso Attack, It's Something Else.

All these Republican congressmen from Texas retiring, makes you wonder how bad their internal polling really is.

Y'all, Republicans are shitting their everloving pants about Texas. And as we said in that headline, NO, SILLY, we don't mean the El Paso terrorist attack. They are thoughts-ing and prayers-ing about that, and a couple of them are even saying, "White supremacists are bad, MMKAY?" But that doesn't rise to the level of SHOOK.

What they are SHOOK about is the fact that 2020 could actually, possibly, theoretically, if the stars align just perfectly, be the year Texas inches itself over into the blue column. Nobody wants to say that out loud, because we've been hearing for hundreds of millions of years now that one of these days, and it won't be long, Texas will become a purple state, and then a blue state, by force of pure demographics alone. It is definitely going to happen, we just don't know exactly when. But in possibly related news, yet another Texas Republican, Kenny Marchant of the 24th district in the Dallas suburbs has announced he will not seek re-election to Congress in 2020. He's the fourth Texas Republican to make that decision, after Will Hurd, Pete Olson and Mike Conaway.

As the New York Times notes, Conaway's district is full-on wingnut, but Hurd and Olson represent districts that very well might oughta flip with their Republican incumbents bowing out. Hurd's district, TX-23, is enormous, stretches along the border from the San Antonio suburbs to the El Paso suburbs, and is majority Hispanic. It's almost a certain pick-up for Democrats. Olson's district, TX-22, is Houston suburbs. Things could change there too.

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Kamala Harris Is Too Queen To Notice Tomi Lahren & Her Stupid Apology

Nobody CARES, Tomi!

Tomi Lahren had to apologize to Kamala Harris on Twitter for saying she "slept her way to the top" a few days ago.

Nobody gives a shit about Tummy's dumb ass stupid fucking apology. We care about Kamala Harris. Let's talk about Kamala Harris and her relationship with Willie Brown -- former San Francisco mayor and boss of pretty much all California for a very long time -- very quickly, and then let's move the fuck on.

On why Kamala dated Willie Brown, via The Nation:

"There aren't a lot of us … lawyers, African Americans, people of color, interested in politics. There was a deep friendship there. He has a lot of wit and humor. I need my mind to be engaged—I've dated a lot of intelligent men."

While I don't really think this is any of our business, I still realize it is a subject that will resurface time and time again, mainly because the person running for office is running with a vagina between her legs. Having vaginas make people feel entitled to be all up in your business all the time, and even tell you what to do. The vagina she possesses also seems to have the magical ability to trick women with dumb fucking mouths into a false sense of security, then, when opening said mouths in their attempts to diminish, disrespect, or damage Senator Harris, they end up letting their mouth get their entire dusty ass dragged. Glory be! One such woman with a shithole-mouth, Timi Lumpkin, learned a life lesson the hard way this week. Her much needed lesson was about how easy and FAST people will turn on you for saying the wrong thing about Kamala Harris -- just "the wrong words" like she's a hussy slut who slept her way to the top.

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Chris Cillizza Worried Kamala Harris Just Too Angry A Black Woman To Be POTUS


We'll never understand why CNN pays Chris Cillizza any sum larger than zero to offer his consistently absurd and ignorant political commentary. Ronald Reagan claimed the nine most terrifying words in the English language were "I'm from the government and I'm here to help." We think they're "I'm CNN's Chris Cillizza and I have an opinion."

Cillizza's latest opinion we didn't ask for is about Sen. Kamala Harris, and it's a sexist soufflé of stupidity. After watching Wednesday's Democratic debate, he believes we need to "keep an eye" on Harris because she demonstrated an "inability to keep her cool." That definitely is a liability if Harris winds up facing the stoic and controlled Donald Trump.


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2020 presidential election

David Brooks Has Seen The Future, And It Has A Jade Egg In Its Nethers

We need a dark psychic space force.

David Brooks, the New York Times columnist who knows America could be a much better nation if it would just become David Brooks, would like the 2020 Democrats to stop worrying about "policy" and get at the sickness of America's soul. Fortunately, he's seen the cure! Marianne Williamson, the loonypants lady who eschews policy details and instead has taken to channeling Chauncey Gardiner at the debates, is the Democrat of David Brooks's never-fevered centrist dreams. Not because of any of her plans to do policy things, but because she knows America needs its soul healed up.

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2020 democratic primary

How I Would Moderate The Democrat Debate By Me, Laura Ingraham

This should be good.

Professional terrible person Laura Ingrahm wasn't thrilled with the two-part Socialist Showdown masquerading as a Democratic debate. Her tiki torch went up in flames because CNN permitted Don Lemon to moderate Tuesday's restricted club debate. Lemon's obviously compromised and biased because he believes Donald Trump is racist on account of everything he's ever said or done. She vented about this on her white power hour to her panel of shameless hacks.

INGRAHAM: How does CNN defend having Lemon moderate this debate? I mean, just proclaiming Trump, you know, someone who traffics in racial division, I mean, that was actually a question.

Ingraham's right that it's not really a question whether Trump "traffics in racial division." It's literally all he does. They should get him one of those reflective vests crossing guards wear. Trump's lapdog lawyer Rudy Giuliani, a gross racist himself, argued that Democrats had ruined racism's good name.

GIULIANI: I think being called a racist now is not what it was 10, 20 years ago. I think they've demeaned it. I don't know what the American people even think a racist is anymore, because it's used all the time.

Thanks, Democrats! You've single-handedly made "racist" as meaningless a term as "farm-to-table" or "artisanal." Americans used to know what a "racist" was, and according to Fox News and Giuliani himself, the actual "racists" were Barack Obama or any black person who politely suggested that their lives mattered.

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