fox news

Judge Jeanine Harassing New Yorkers About Whether Trump Or Bloomberg Would #BeBest At 'Construction Worker'

According to one guy she talked to, Trump would win this contest. Mike Bloomberg would have to settle for just swimming in his billions.

This weekend, Fox News's Jeanine Pirro explored the possibility of a "subway series" presidential race between New Yorkers Donald Trump and Mike Bloomberg. Technically, the president is no longer a New York resident. He moved to Florida last year with Melania Trump, as seen in the opening credits of "Green Acres." Pirro didn't let this small snag in her premise hold back her latest edition of "Street Justice," which is a lot like Jay Leno's old "Jaywalking" segments but with more overt humor.

Pirro described a Bloomberg/Trump matchup as a "scrapple in the apple," which is an expression that makes no sense. She asked New Yorkers who they preferred --"New York City's mayor" Bloomberg or "New York City's president" Trump. This was already off to a flawed start: New York City's true president is Hillary Clinton, who won 86 percent of the vote there in 2016.

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Trump Officials Say They Have 'No Intelligence' ... Stop Laughing, They Are Serious!

It's the Sunday Shows Rundown!

A few days ago, it was reported that it seems the Russians are meddling in the 2020 elections, like they did in 2016, favoring Donald Trump. This (of course) pissed off our Authoritarian-In-Chief and he fired acting (aren't they all) Director of National Intelligence Joseph Maguire and replaced him with an idiot loyalist, Ambassador to Germany Ric Grenell. Trump also did one of his White House lawn presser shout interviews denying the intelligence while blaming Democrats like House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff, who rightfully criticized him. So this week on the Sunday shows, we got multiple appearances from Trump officials Robert O'Brien and Marc Short, telling America what they really want us to hear about that so-called intelligence.

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2020 presidential election

Clint Eastwood Might Vote For Different Empty Chair Than Trump This Time

Eastwood wants a more 'genteel' president like ... Mike Bloomberg?

Hollywood tough guy Clint Eastwood once frightened an empty chair into submission at the 2012 Republican National Convention. After that sad scene, there was nowhere for the party to go but Trump.

Eastwood now has misgivings about the president. In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, Eastwood said that while he approves of "certain things" Donald Trump has done, he'd prefer that the president behave "in a more genteel way, without tweeting and calling people names." Yes, Dirty Harry said "genteel" like he's a common Cary Grant.

This is a big change from barely four years ago when Eastwood expressed his support for Trump over serial email murderer Hillary Clinton. It disturbed Eastwood that Clinton declared she was going to "follow in Obama's footsteps." Unfortunately, Eastwood wasn't in the market for "genteel" back then, because Obama certainly has genteel footsteps.

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2020 democratic primary

Sanders Won Nevada, But No One Needs To Be A Chris Matthews About It

Here, let me try to allay some of your concerns!

So! Bernie Sanders won the Nevada caucus' yesterday, and by a lot. He's got 46% of the vote so far, and Biden, who came in second, has only 19%. Sanders is now the first candidate in history to have won the popular vote in the first three primaries, and the numbers nerds at 538 (whom I am still quite skeptical of after 2016) are currently predicting that he will win every primary except Minnesota (Klobuchar), Alabama (Biden), Mississippi (Biden) and Florida (Bloomberg). In each of these states, they predict he will come in second.

Am I excited about this? HELL YES I AM. Sure, I pulled for Warren for most of this primary but I am also super jazzed about Sanders. I love Medicare for All. I love that he has a plan to house the homeless (this is an extremely important thing to me). I love that he wants to give amnesty to all undocumented immigrants, that he wants to raise the minimum wage to $15, that he wants to implement the Green New Deal, that he wants to eliminate all student debt and subsidize public colleges, that he wants to institute a national rent control standard, and frankly, I just genuinely like him as a person.

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2020 democratic primary

Can We All Agree That Barack Obama Should Never Follow Bill Kristol's Consistently Bad Advice?

We don't even recommend Republicans listen to Kristol.

Bill Kristol thinks it's time for Barack Obama to get off his ass and save America from Donald Trump or, more immediately, Bernie Sanders and his scourge of universal heath coverage. Kristol isn't the only white person who wants to recall our last legitimate president to active service. However, his argument is the most irritating and obnoxious.

There's so much stupid to unpack here. Yes, Obama routing Clinton in the 2008 South Carolina was a key victory for him, but he did that all by himself. Joe Biden didn't help him pull the sword from the stone. Kristol can't even mask his contempt for Obama while asking him for a favor. It's not surprising because Kristol never thought much of Obama. During his farewell address, Obama said that serving the American people made him a "better president" and a "better man," and Kristol all but called him an egomaniac. This was just a week before Trump would infect the White House, and Kristol was still playing the popular conservative parlor game of "Everything Obama Does Is Wrong."

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2020 presidential election

Tim Scott Predicts Clone Army Of Tim Scotts Voting For Trump

This is very disturbing news.

It's no secret that black people aren't crazy about Donald Trump. This is because he's a racist and we all know he's a racist. Republicans like to counter this indisputable fact with a list of all the great things Trump has done for us. For instance, the sun is still in the sky and fried chicken is freely accessible.

Tuesday, on Fox News, Neil Cavuto asked House Majority Whip James Clyburn if he thought more black voters would support the president's re-election. The esteemed representative from South Carolina was a firm "hell, no!"

CAVUTO: [Voters] are happy with the way things are going, including African-Americans. Do you not agree with that?

CLYBURN: No, I don't. Because I go to church with African-Americans. I live with African-Americans. I'm the father of African-Americans.

This is only first-hand information. Cavuto still demanded that Clyburn comment on his great white hope.

CAVUTO: You don't think more African-Americans will vote for the president than he's previously been given credit?

CLYBURN: Absolutely not.

That sounds like "case closed" to me. However, South Carolina Republican Sen. Tim Scott dropped by Friday with some good news for Donald Trump. He doesn't just disagree with Clyburn, but my brother from a very different mother boasted that Trump's black voter support will almost double.

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The Top 768,796 Reasons Putin Wants Trump Re-Elected, For GOP Rep. Chris Stewart And Idiots Like Him


Yesterday we learned about the Russia briefing to the House Intelligence Committee that pissed off Donald Trump so much he fired his director of national intelligence, because the ODNI briefer told Congress the obvious truth that Russia is trying to get Trump re-elected. In that briefing, butthole-mouthed GOP Rep. Chris Stewart of Utah was reportedly highly skeptical that Vladimir Putin would even want Trump re-elected, because Stewart is apparently high on his own sauce and truly believes the lies he tells himself about how Trump has been tougher on Putin than anybody else.

According to the New York Times,

Mr. Stewart insisted that the president had aggressively confronted Moscow, providing anti-tank weapons to Ukraine for its war against Russia-backed separatists and strengthening the NATO alliance with new resources, according to two people briefed on the meeting.

Mr. Stewart declined to discuss the briefing but said that Moscow had no reason to support Mr. Trump. He pointed to the president's work to confront Iran, a Russian ally, and encourage European energy independence from Moscow. "I'd challenge anyone to give me a real-world argument where Putin would rather have President Trump and not Bernie Sanders," Mr. Stewart said in an interview, referring to the nominal Democratic primary race front-runner.

This is the guy who was reportedly one of Trump's top choices for permanent director of national intelligence, but apparently isn't anymore because somebody showed Trump a mean quote Stewart said in 2016 where he called Trump "Mussolini" and Trump doesn't like him anymore. (Funny how much these Republicans have changed! Wonder why.)

Regardless, that sound you hear right now is Wonkette and every other patriotic and informed American endlessly screaming and banging our heads against the wall and wondering how Stewart and his fellow Trump-humping Republicans manage to put on pants in the morning without injuring themselves.

Why would Putin want Trump? Dunno, Congressman, why did Putin want Trump in the first fucking place? Because the reasons back then are the same as the reasons now, except for how how Putin also had a personal vendetta against Hillary Clinton in 2016. But oh boy, there were a thousand reasons Putin preferred to have his puppet Donald Trump in the American presidency then, and there are a million more now!

Instead of endlessly screaming, Wonkette chooses to be helpful to Chris Stewart and anybody else who is as dumb as he is and answer his question. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, DUMBASS.

Here is a long but not remotely exhaustive listicle! CLIP AND SHARE whenever someone is BEING AN IDIOT.

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Russia Trying To Re-Elect Trump, And He Is MAD (That Democrats Found Out)

Golly are we surprised.

Hey guess what! We know why Donald Trump fired acting Director of National Intelligence Joseph Maguire this week and felt the need to install the stupidest dipshit loyalist he knows, Ambassador to Germany Ric Grenell, a guy who couldn't find "intelligence" with his ass and both hands, as acting DNI immediately, even though Maguire was out the door next month, as mandated by law.


The House Intelligence Committee got a briefing one week ago, on February 13, where an agent of the DNI -- Trump's DNI, not "Obama People" DNI, not the Deep State that tried to sound the alarm in the months before the 2016 election -- told them that Russia is working its yaytsa (THAT MEANS BALLS) off to re-elect Donald Trump, and that this is the conclusion of "multiple intelligence agencies," according to the New York Times, just like it was in 2016. And Trump found out about it. (The briefing. We are sure he already knew Russia was IF YOU'RE LISTENING.) And he is maaaaaad. (That Democrats found out. Not that Russia yet again is attacking our democracy for his benefit, he LOVES that.)

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Hot Mess

Hot Take: Anonymous Jerks Probably Shouldn't Torture Pigeons For Fun

May those responsible suffer a lifetime of pigeon crapped hair.

Some attention-seeking creeps showed the libs this week before the Democratic debate in Las Vegas, Nevada. The self-proclaimed "underground radical group" P.U.T.I.N. outfitted pigeons with pigeon-sized "Make America Great Again" hats on their heads. The pigeons were released on Tuesday in advance of the debate as an annoying and pointless protest.

P.U.T.I.N. is short for Pigeons United To Interfere Now. A group member with the alias "Coo Hand Luke" freely confessed to the Las Vegas Review Journal that P.U.T.I.N. used eyelash glue to keep the hats on the pigeons' heads.

From the Review-Journal:.

COO HAND LUKE: It's what women use to put around their eyes for eyelash extensions. The hats usually stay on for a day or two, depending on the bird's movements. We can also remove them ourselves as they fly back to the coop. They could be gone for a day, two days or a week, but they always come back.

This abomination unto the lord was intended to serve as an "aerial protest piece in response to the arrival of the 2020 Democratic debate," which would've occurred regardless of whether pigeons were tortured. In fact, it's highly possible that if P.U.T.I.N. had issued an ultimatum in keeping with its "Get Smart" villain-style name, the Democrats would've postponed the debate. P.U.T.I.N. might've saved Mike Bloomberg from Elizabeth Warren.

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Donald Trump Obsesses Over Hillary Clinton For About 90 Minutes Of 90 Minute Arizona Rally

Can a former presidential candidate get a restraining order against the president?

Donald Trump is feeling cocky these days. His Republican cronies helped him survive impeachment. His approval numbers are almost as high as a summer day in San Francisco. You could see how relaxed this new Trump is during his latest hate rally Wednesday in Phoenix, Arizona. His adoring fans waited in line overnight, camping out like the homeless people they resent. It was all worth it to see Trump give a version of the same damn speech.

Trump's opening act was Arizona Sen. Martha McSally, whose remarks were a tiresome word salad filled with partisan rancor and sycophantic fealty to the president. She couldn't say enough good things about Trump, which is why she was invited. McSally called the reporters present "liberal hacks," because that's her hot "where's the beef?" catchphrase.

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2020 presidential election

Elizabeth Warren Has A Plan. It Is A Plan For Kicking Ass.

Guess some people just refuse to be erased.

Elizabeth Warren was ready to debate last night. It was kind of glorious. While most of her wrath — measured, well-spoke wrath, but damn! — was focused on Mike Bloomberg, she also went after other candidates on their policy weaknesses, and she left plenty of online commenters looking forward to how she'd go after Donald Trump in a national debate. If he showed up at all. While Warren categorically rejects the Citizens United notion that money is a form of speech, her campaign certainly heard some pleasant voices last night. To the tune of $2.8 million in donations by the end of the debate, Warren's best single-day total, according to her campaign.

I have to warn you, kids, this post may read a bit like fanfiction. We're bullish. But don't worry, there won't be a character named Doktor Sue who gets hired as a policy adviser.

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2020 democratic primary

Invisible Woman Elizabeth Warren Almost Mentioned In Coverage Of Debate She Won


Elizabeth Warren had a spectacular debate performance last night. It helped that she was joined on stage by the living embodiment of everything she has resented and fought against for the past few decades. We always enjoy seeing the Elizabeth Warren who during Senate hearings made Wells Fargo executives cry.

However, despite murdering the former mayor of New York City on live TV, Warren didn't actually receive top billing in news coverage of the Las Vegas debate. Mike Bloomberg dominated most headlines. Sure, it was his first debate, but how about sharing the spotlight with the woman who ripped out his still-beating heart and ate it? Describing the debate as "Democrats' Bloomberg pile-on" implies that everyone dealt blows as lethal as Warren's own jujutsu. Bloomberg would've had a much better night if Warren wasn't there.


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ARE YOU READY FOR BLOOOOOMBERG????? (No.) (Your Vegas Democratic Debate LIVEBLERG!)

Screw you guys, we're going home!

Hey fuckers. You know who's mad tonight? ME. It's not you, specifically, unless it was you, specifically (it's entirely possible it was you, specifically), but MAMA MAD. I've been mad all week. Maybe I've been mad ALL YEAR! I've definitely been mad all day. And the MORE I THINK ABOUT IT, THE FUCKING ANGRIER I AM.


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2020 democratic primary

You Like FIGHTS? Then You'll Love Tonight's Democratic Debate!

This will be a debate worth watching, because FIGHTS.


Yes, loves, there is a Democratic debate tonight. Now, we know — we know — that there might be a wee bit of debate fatigue setting in. WE KNOW. But we need you to suck it up, because at last, for finally, people are voting now. Yes. For real. We have had an Iowa caucus and a New Hampshire primary, Pete Buttigieg has a narrow lead in delegates, followed by Bernie Sanders in second place. Joe Biden has crashed and burned so far, and other people have also gotten votes and delegates, like Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar!

This weekend, there is a Nevada caucus, and then at the end of this month there is a South Carolina primary. Then comes Super Tuesday, and people are already voting in a lot of those states. Like, for literal, we could personally leave our house after we finish writing this and immediately go vote in our home state of Tennessee. (But we're NOT GONNA, because we have NOT DECIDED who we are voting for.)

In other words, after 767 months of primary, we have actually reached the official starting line, which means the finish line is finally in sight.


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Meghan McCain Thinks Democrats Did 'Piss Poor Job' Of Reminding Her Trump Exists

The Duchess of Arizona is now very politically correct.

Meghan McCain really doesn't like former New York City mayor Mike Bloomberg, who is currently shopping to buy a Democratic primary. Bloomberg was a fairly standard Republican/right-leaning independent for years prior to Trump's election. It's unclear where the daylight is between Bloomberg's policies and whatever's important to McCain. Bloomberg has presumably never insulted John McCain, a distant relative of Meghan's. I guess this is all about guns. Bloomberg is a prominent gun control advocate, and McCain has been romantically linked in the past to several well-connected assault weapons.

Joy Behar offended McCain Tuesday on "The View" because she's considering voting for Bloomberg if he's the Democratic nominee. This isn't a huge shock, because Behar has stated how much she wants to defeat Trump. She believes whoever becomes the Democratic nominee will stand between Trump and fascism. I don't know if I'd go that far, but McCain argued that if "Democrats don't take [Bloomberg] out, Republicans will."

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2020 Congressional Elections

Swing State GOP Senators Content To Hold Trump's Hand, Drive Off Cliff Together

But, hey, did you hear that Bernie Sanders is a ... SOCIALIST?

Donald Trump is set to hold rallies in swing states where Republican senators tanked their political careers when they helped him skate on impeachment charges. It's the least he can do, and they might as well call it the "GOP Learned Nothing From Kentucky" tour.

The president will swing by Arizona Wednesday to prop up never-elected, never-gonna-get-elected Sen. Martha McSally. McSally headlined her own "Veterans for Trump" event Tuesday night, where she made some strange remarks.

MCSALLY: We are going to be ground zero for President Trump's reelection, and we are ground zero to keep the Senate majority.

It's almost been 20 (!) years since 9/11, but isn't "ground zero" objectively a bad thing? The term most commonly refers to the site of a nuclear explosion. She's not wrong, but how is this helpful? McSally demonstrated more of her savvy political skills during an appearance on Fox News where she accused Barack Obama of trying to take credit for actual things he'd done as president.

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