31 Walmart Items For Anyone Who Spends Basically All Their Time In The Kitchen. Tabs, Wed., July 29, 2020

Tabs gifs by your friend Martini Ambassador!

Are these Erik Prince's boys? Nope, they're NYPD, according to the NYPD. (Insider)

The guy with the umbrella who smashed all the Minneapolis Auto Zone windows that first day (remember that day?) is not in fact a St. Paul cop like people were spreading, but is apparently a white supremacist biker gang man, so that's ... better? Yeah, we'll go with that. (Star Tribune)

Tab from last week I couldn't bear reading till now, the DREAD of this story (you can breathe; everyone in the story can breathe) and the beautiful woman in terrible extremis. Still, I feel like this chaplain should not be a chaplain.

A chaplain came in to talk about the possibility that the officers might be forced to kill a mentally ill person. He urged them not to become consumed with guilt. "You never shoot a man, they always choose to be shot," the chaplain said.

Washington Post

This nice young Alabama representative doesn't understand what's so wrong with going to the Big KKK Hoedown And Crossburnin' For Nathan Bedford Forrest and Jesus (minus the crossburning but definitely with all the Confederate flags you could carry). Even his GOP colleagues are like goddammit. (Washington Post)

Every sentence of this story about the lack of social distancing at the Chainsmokers tequlia-promotional concert featuring the head of Goldman Sachs (?) DJing in the Hamptons is amazing. (Stereogum)

Barr testifies he's unfamiliar with the obstruction section of the Mueller Report, which is weird because he summarized it so well and faithfully. — Marcy Wheeler at Emptywheel

New gun research shows that places with loose gun laws have more gun murders. And that's why gun research is illegal. (Business Insider)

Just schoolteachers writing their wills, as really we all should. — Vice

Gosh, say the Missouri parents who let a hundred teenagers have a party at their house and then get sick, we guess with the benefit of hindsight we should have made the kids wear masks. (KCTV-5)

Ten thousand children a month are starving to death and hundreds of thousands more are wasting due to coronavirus shutdowns. (LA Times)

We're about to have an eviction crisis. How it's going to hit each state. — CNBC

Hey The Economist, do unemployment benefits cause unemployment? No? Terrific. — Economist

We got some of these seeds from China marked on the package as "headphones," except I really had ordered thyme seeds on the Internet, which took three months to arrive, from China, marked as headphones. (The Stranger)

Mama loves a long shot, which is why I made Kansas motherfucking blue. — 270toWin

Trump doubles down on the nice doctor lady who says demon-fucking gave me my fibroids, which is obviously factcheck TRUE. (Daily Beast) I really don't think this lady should be a doctor. (Crazy shit, Daily Beast)

Some internet douches at Red Letter Media (like a Breitbart thing? I already forget!) broke William Shatner. Like, he took screenshots and shit to prove they said the things he said they said because they are terrible gaslighters and he is crazy now and trying to explain the whole thing and it is really a lot of words and those men do not seem nice! (Medium)

Remember "antitrust law"? That was a thing that existed once! "Google's Top Search Result? Surprise, It's Google!" (The Markup)

Dok, the Stranger's book club is doing Joan Didion, probably want to start everyone's engines. (The Stranger / The White Album)

Put the cold crab spaghetti on my face. PUT IT ON MY FACE NOOWWWWW. — Food and Wine

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