Shirley Sherrod Ends Up On the Cutting Room Floor
Did you know that there was aControversy this week surrounding a USDA employee? No? Neither does West Wing Week, the greatest television program on the Internet. Its sole reason for existence is to tell you the things that Barack Obama did that had nothing to do with his Secretary of Farmville's hysterical reaction to a video clip posted by a douche. This week's edition is entitled "A Sensible Midwesterner." Is the title in reference to Bariatric Obama? No, because he is from Nairobi.
Last Friday, Obama gave a speech about the giant tampon BP shoved into the gusher in the Gulf of Mexico. Then, typically, he DISAPPEARED FOR TWO DAYS, this time to "Acadia" in "Maine." "Acadia" sounds like "Canadian," which means Obama went to Toronto to sell state secrets to The Kids in the Hall.
On Monday he was all, "Hey how about extending some fucking unemployment benefits to the unemployed poors, i.e., 90% of your constituents." Later, he met with the WNBA championship team, the Phoenix Mercury, so named because there is clearly mercury in the drinking water in Phoenix, which explains Sheriff Joe Arpaio.
"And I want to thank you for setting a wonderful example," said Obamar. "Because I live with three tall, good-looking women who are quite competitive and push me around under the boards all the time." (ACTUAL QUOTE.) By this he means that he dwells with the Three Ages of Woman: Maiden, Mother, and Crone. They live together in a mythical abode concealed within a dark forest, and there they safeguard the Mysteries that shall be revealed when the Fisher King rises again. Also, they kick his ass in basketball, in his house.
Then he went to see former Senator John Glenn, who floated in from outer space to talk about aliens. He called Glenn a "sensible midwesterner." Everyone came in their pants.
On Tuesday, David "Kirk" Cameron, who is like King Arthur except less mythical, had special boyfriend time with Obama. At a press conference, Cameron said, "Pish posh snoobledy doobledy baaaaaathtub Winston Chuuuuuuuuuur-chill." Then it was like the scene in Love Actually where Prime Minister Hugh Grant verbally bitch-slaps the Preznit Billy Bob Thornton and the British people are so happy. Except that did not happen at all, and never will. Sorry, Brits; our government's balls are in your government's mouth, forever. And they taste like freedom (and talcum powder).
On Wednesday, Obama signed something involving monies, but you did not know, because Tom Vilsack is afraid of Andrew Breitbart.
On Thursday, Barry signed something else involving money. That afternoon, he met with Ray Odierno, who was on vacation from his job at a coffee shop in Baghdad. Ray just chills over there, because they let him smoke whenever he wants and he gets to set up these open mic nights that he really digs. Sometimes David Petraeus comes in and plays the acoustic guitar. He's really good.
And that, my scrumptious dumplings, sums up EVERY SINGLE THING that happened last week, to anyone. Have a fabulous weekend. I'll be at your Netroots Nation 2010, because nothing says "relaxing weekend" like 30 hours in Las Vegas in July. I'll be talking on a panel called Satire and Progressive Politics, which means "doing shots with Lizz Winstead and calling everyone gay." If you are there, come say hi! Because I'll also be taking photo-graphs and documenting the day's events for Your Wonkette. You're fucking welcome, you bastard people.
Sara Benincasa needs to be careful because "Ginger Ale" means something very different in Las Vegas.