(PSSST *Grandma* Wonkette's Pineapple Orange Cranberry Sauce Is Better, Actually)

For years now — seven at least, suckers — we have been making Aunt Wonkette's Real Cranberry Business. It's great! (Needs more sugar. Not Oprah-level four damn cups, but one would be nice.) But last year, we did not do that. We wanted pineapple, which we almost always have on hand ever since your comrade Vegan & Peeara or whatever she is named these days told us while we visited her in Charleston that pineapples are symbols of hospitality.

So fuck it, we did it live!

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The Days Of Black Friday Starting Thanksgiving Night Maybe Coming To An End (Thankfully)

Black Friday is rough.

As a former mall employee, I hate it with every fiber of my being. It's just a whole long horrible, unavoidable day of people screaming at you and making a mess and pulling you in different directions and asking you to do shit that is not your job and having to call security because someone left their baby with you to go shop at another store (true story!) while the same awful perky/weirdly depressing songs play over and over again on a loop. I swear to God I actually start to itch every time I hear "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses.

Lucky me, though, I was out before it got really bad. It was around a decade ago that stores, big box stores at least, started on their "Now we open at midnight on Thanksgiving!" shit, which swiftly morphed into "Now we open at 5pm on Thanksgiving!" shit, meaning that employees could not celebrate Thanksgiving with their families. For those of you who have never worked in that industry, most stores have "blackout dates" where you can't request any days off from a little before Thanksgiving to Christmas, so it's not as if the employees could say "Oh no thank you, I have plans."

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Conservative Hustlers Jonah Goldberg And Stephen Hayes SHOCKED To Find Dangerous Demagoguery At Fox Network

Jonah Goldberg is mad as hell, and he's not going to take it anymore. Because Fox News's streaming platform aired Tucker Carlson's insane propaganda special "Patriot Purge," Goldberg and his business partner Stephen Hayes have decided to purge themselves right out of Fox. On (belated) principle!

"I'm tempted just to quit Fox over this," Goldberg texted his fellow Fox contributor on October 27 when Carlson's turd dropped online.

"I'm game," Hayes replied, according to the New York Times. "Totally outrageous. It will lead to violence. Not sure how we can stay."

Slow clap for these brave patriots, who took this courageous stance a mere 11 months after a mob of deranged maniacs hopped up on Donald Trump's Big Lie tried to overthrow the government. Because obviously this is the first time Fox News has pushed alternate reality propaganda about January 6. Obviously.

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Rittenhouse Acquitted On Friday. New York Times Casually Normalizes Violent Right-Wing Militias By Sunday.

It's been a couple weeks since the New York Times published a total “what the fuck?" article, but in the aftermath of Kyle Rittenhouse's acquittal, the paper of record did not disappoint:


So yeah, “paramilitary groups" (or translated from Caucasian, “thuggish gangs") feel “vindicated" that a jury gave the thumbs up to a vigilante kill spree dressed up as self defense. That's not a shock, but the Times reports this as if it's perfectly sane and rational.

The first sign of trouble is this tweet from the Times account: "Kyle Rittenhouse's acquittal has reinvigorated support on the right for armed responses to racial justice protests." Someone not huffing the “both sides" paint fumes might instead write: “Kyle Rittenhouse's acquittal has emboldened rightwingers to show up at peaceful protests with assault rifles."

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Conspiracy theories

Right-Wing Conspiracists Come Up With Most Moronic Theory Yet

Obviously, the Greeks invented their whole alphabet to just mess with anti-vaxxers in the year 2021

One of the main things that make conspiracies "work" for those who believe them is a fervent belief that everything those who are conspiring against them in whatever capacity do is symbolism. That way, everything those people so or say is "proof" of whatever evil think you think they are doing. In fact, almost no conspiracies make sense unless you think that "they" are literally sitting around all day Herman Melville-ing it up in hopes of making the sheeple look foolish. One of the big Q sayings, even, is "Their need for symbolism will be their downfall."

The idea is that the whole evil cabal either gets together at Bohemian Grove and decides "OK! So here's what we're gonna do — we're gonna wear red shoes to symbolize our love of eating babies in Satanic rituals and then laugh and laugh and laugh about how we are rubbing our love of eating babies in everyone's face and they don't even know it! Because that is a good time for adults." It's like a never-ending game of updog.

What We Do In The Shadows GIF "Does anyone here have any updog?"

Sometimes they don't even need to go to Bohemian Grove or the Denver Airport, because they can just hep the fellow cabal members to what is going on by posting pictures of their dogs on Twitter.

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You Bought Nothing Yesterday. Now It's Time To WONKETTE BAZAAR!

Oh you lucky sons of guns!

You have a loved one who LURVES YOUR WONKETTE. Buy them some shit straight from our basement! Nota bene: We are shutting down our basement factory right after Christmas, so if you wanted some presents from us anytime in the first half of the year, please to buy it ahead of time, hide it in your garage, and then forget not only where you hid it, but also what you bought. Now you are a Schoenkopf, you lucky bastard you.

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Recipe Hub

It's Wonkette Happy Hour (Again), With This Week's Cocktail, Irish Coffee!

Oh dear lord this is so tasty.

Our motel wi-fi did not catch my edit where I put this on the homepage. Consider it your Saturday evening happy hour instead! — Editrix

Greetings, Wonketteers! I'm Hooper, your bartender, and here is your SPECIAL BLACK FRIDAY cocktail! Let's toss in one more after-dinner drink to get you past the leftovers. Have some Irish Coffee with me. Here's the recipe.

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