If Twitter Is 'Silencing' Trump, WHY CAN WE STILL HEAR HIM WHINING?

Uh oh, Grandpa President McGoodbrain ANGRY:

That's right, PRESIDENT ANGRYPANTS is going to SHUT DOWN TWITTER, even though it is his ONLY FRIEND, because he is being SILENCED, which is why you can STILL HEAR HIM WHINING. Donald Trump is BIG MAD DICTATOR and you will RESPECT HIS AUTHORITAH!

south park cartman GIF Giphy

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When We Say ‘Black Lives Matter’ We Mean Cops Shouldn’t Crush Our Necks With Their Knee. Was That Unclear?

Four Minneapolis, Minnesota, police officers were fired Tuesday for executing a black man on a city street. That was fast! But let's not pop open the champagne because justice was almost served. George Floyd is still dead. He was arrested Monday night for forgery, but he wasn't trying to sell a fake Rembrandt. He reportedly “matched the description" of someone of using forged documents at a deli. Paul Manafort was charged with tax evasion, bank fraud, and money laundering, but he somehow managed to remain alive in time for his trial, as promised in most copies of the Constitution.

Floyd “resisted arrest," the officers claimed, and that's why Derek Chauvin pressed his knee into Floyd's neck for several minutes. Unfortunately, Floyd had a fairly common medical condition known as “needing to breathe," so he died painfully in front of disinterested cops and horrified bystanders.

Darnella Frazier recorded the last torturous minutes of Floyd's life, which she later posted on Facebook. Floyd was handcuffed and on the ground. Further “resisting" of arrest seemed impossible. He wasn't Houdini. Floyd is seen in the video groaning in agony and crying, "Please, please, please I can't breathe." These were also Eric Garner's last words. If you're a black person repeating those words, begging for mercy from a police officer, you must realize you're already dead, but you gotta give it a shot. Maybe he's one of those good ones we hear so much about. There was no such luck this time. One of the officers suggested Floyd just “relax" while Chauvin's knee rested on his windpipe, which is as perfect a description for the relationship of white and black people in America as you could find. Floyd cried out for his mother. He begged for his life some more: "My stomach hurts, my neck hurts, everything hurts ... I can't breathe." The human bystanders expressed their concern for the murder in progress and one of the officers insisted, "He's talking, so he's breathing." That is both medically illiterate and sociopathic. These officers were completely indifferent to Floyd's suffering. People called animal control on Amy Cooper for yanking her dog's chain too tightly, but the police still commit war crimes on black people like it's another day at the office.

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Wedding Planner Guy Might Not Be Best Choice For $39 Million USDA Contract

A little while back we told you about this big $3 billion USDA program that was intended to solve two coronavirus-related problems at once. USDA would grab up a lot of the agricultural products that are at risk of going to waste because restaurants and schools are closed, and then it would distribute the stuff to food banks and other charities to help feed the folks who are hurting because they've lost their jobs. The "Farmers to Families Food Box Program" was supposed to be an example of a public-private partnership to respond quickly to some of the economic ripple effects created by shutting down the economy. Very feel-good stuff. Problem is, the USDA seems to have awarded some contracts to vendors that don't seem especially well-suited for big foodstuff distribution, like a California outfit that does "business finance solutions" or another that sells hand sanitizers in airports.

One of the larger contracts, for $39 million, went to a San Antonio, Texas, company that specializes in corporate events and big weddings, a marketing outfit called "CRE8AD8" — like, "Create a Date" for your big event. The company has never done any food distribution, but it somehow got the seventh-largest contract to move surplus food from farms to food banks. Big surprise! The San Antonio Express News did some digging into CRE8AD8 and its CEO, Gregorio Palomino, and found out that Palomino had "boasted about clients who say they've never worked with him, cited unearned professional credentials and touted business affiliations that can't be verified," if you can believe that. It's very basic, shoe-leather and records-checking journalism, and golly, does Mr. Palomino come off looking a bit like the old SNL character Irwin Mainway, although maybe not as convincing.

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Proud Boys Tore Down A COVID-19 Memorial, Because Caring That People Died Is For Commies

In recent weeks, the covidiots have turned. Now, those at anti-lockdown protests are not only demanding their right to defy stay-at-home orders and social distancing protocols, they're not only asking that they get to risk other people's lives, they are demanding that everyone else join them. They grab at the masks of reporters who cover the rally and at those belonging to counterprotesters. They get in people's faces. They scream. If they were leftists this would be a super big deal and Tucker Carlson would have had a thousand fainting spells by now, but they're not.

One thing that would be very big news if these people were liberals but is not because they're not is that last week, during an anti-lockdown rally in Spokane, Washington, a bunch of Proud Boys trashed a memorial to COVID-19 victims. A memorial made out of crosses meant to represent people who have died from the novel coronavirus, two of which they broke. Crosses. You know, like the one Jesus hung on?

The memorial had been put together by activist Tom Robinson, who runs the Stronger Together Spokane Facebook page. Robinson also attended the protest as a counterprotester, where he planned to simply stand with his memorial and not bother anybody. This did not work out as planned, because these people are the biggest assholes on earth. A video posted to the group's Facebook page show the protesters harassing Robinson, screaming at him to take off his mask and otherwise acting like the school bullies in a John Hughes movie.

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Trump's First 100,000 Coronavirus Deaths Are In The Bag, So Like ... Should He Eat Insulin?

Is it delicious like hamberder?

Everything is so batshit today, so please take a moment to mark in your mind that the United States, which is in the throes of the worst novel coronavirus epidemic in the world, which is rapidly growing, reached and surpassed 100,000 confirmed deaths today.

We'd say we've reached peak MAGA, but Donald Trump is such a fuckup, we don't want to underestimate how big this death count could eventually get with his tiny hands on the steering wheel.

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Court Reminds Conservatives For 9,278,428th Time The First Amendment DOES NOT APPLY To Businesses

Spoiler Alert: No, the president can't regulate Twitter. Fuck off.

Paging Donald Trump!

Grandpa Tweetrant is GRRRR SO MAD that Twitter finally factchecked one of his eleventy billion lies and now he's threatening to do ... something about it.

You can't stifle his FREE SPEECH, man!

Except, womp womp, funny you should mention it, Poppy, because here's the DC Circuit just today reminding us that the First Amendment does not apply to non-government actors. One more time for the cheap seats, you don't have a First Amendment right to use commercial platforms to barf out whatever stupid nonsense you want!

Still confused? Here's a little love note from 1791 to lay it out clearly:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

In other words, corporations don't owe you shit under the First Amendment.

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Florida Felon Poll Tax Struck Down!

Suck it, DeSantis!

Ever since Florida voters decided to give the right to vote back to most people convicted of felonies, the GOP has been trying to figure out ways to stop it. So last year, the Republican-controlled Florida legislature and feces-in-the-shape-of-a-frat-bro Ron DeSantis developed a fun, new pay-to-vote system for the formerly incarcerated. (It's almost impressive that Florida found a way to create a new poll tax here in the 21st Century, but Florida gonna Florida and ratfuckers gonna ratfuck, so here we are.)

But on Sunday, Northern District of Florida Judge Robert Hinkle told Florida to take its poll tax and shove it — though in much kinder words.

Following a unique trial-by-video-conference held last month, Judge Hinkle ruled that Florida's pay-to-vote scheme was unconstitutional.

The State of Florida has adopted a system under which nearly a million otherwise-eligible citizens will be allowed to vote only if they pay an amount of money. Most of the citizens lack the financial resources to make the required payment. Many do not know, and some will not be able to find out, how much they must pay. For most, the required payment will consist only of charges the State imposed to fund government operations—taxes in substance though not in name.

While this likely isn't the end of this particular story, it is nonetheless a huge win for justice — and the 1.6 million people with felony convictions who Florida is trying to stop from voting.

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