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What Does Your Hannity-Obsessed Uncle Fear More Than Death? Bernie, Socialism, Liz Warren, Sharks, Stairs ...

Here is a fun poll porn survey experiment for you to look at, as you are carefully thinking about how you will vote in the Democratic primary, assuming you have not already voted nine times like most liberals.

We know, going into the 2020 election, that based on the results of the 2018 midterms, people's voting habits are motivated more and more by what pollster and all-around data badass Rachel Bitecofer calls "negative partisanship," i.e. the idea that people are much more motivated to vote against those they oppose, and that the team that's most pissed off and ready to go wins the election. Bitecofer, who almost exactly predicted the results of the 2018 midterms, is fighting against the "Chuck Todd theory of American politics," which makes supposed "swing voters" objects of worship and veneration, as if there's really a giant portion of the population that just vacillates back and forth between the parties like a bunch of idiots. Bitecofer argues that while these folks exist, they're not the dominant part of the equation, not in American politics in 2020.

SeniorLiving.org is out with a new poll Wonkette is exclusively reporting on first, MUST CREDIT WONKETTE! It examines something we think probably goes hand-in-hand with Bitecofer's model, asking a very interesting question of Americans: What do you fear more than death? In other words, what would you rather DIE than have happen? The results are illuminating!

Keep reading...

Mike Pence Will Edit All CDC Coronavirus Messages For Mentions Of Science, Truth, Boobies

In a move that no one could have seen coming, one of the White House's first jobs for Mike Pence after making him Donald Trump's coronavirus czar was to tell the federal bureaucracy that "all statements and public appearances" concerning about the epidemic will have to be cleared through Pence first. The New York Times reports the administration wants y'all to understand this is not an attempt to subordinate scientists to the administration's political agenda, heavens no, why would anyone think that?

Officials insist the goal is not to control the content of what subject-matter experts and other officials are saying, but to make sure their efforts are being coordinated, after days of confusion with various administration officials showing up on television.

Yes, we're sure this has more to do with Larry Kudlow declaring the virus was all bottled up (Mmmm, bottles!) than with silencing that terrible Deep State Scientist lady all of wingnuttia is mad at for trying to make Trump look bad. If there's one thing this administration worries about, it's having a consistent message at all times, not people saying inconveniently true things.

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Rush Limbaugh So Mad Rod Rosenstein Invented Coronavirus With The Deep State And His Sister

Bad news, y'all. Rush Limbaugh, the well-known Nobel-Prize-winning epidemiologist, has figured out what is going on with this whole coronavirus thing.

Actually, we should say good news, because knowing is half the battle, when you are fighting a pandemic. And if there's anything Donald Trump's coronavirus press conference on Wednesday taught us, it's that the Americans in charge of the response to coronavirus know stuff. For instance, Trump knows it's just not gonna be that bad, because there's only like one American who has it, his name's Dale, and as long as Dale stays home instead of coughing all over everybody at Cracker Barrel like he usually does, we're all good. Oh, and Mike Pence! He knows viruses, and that is why he is the new czar of finding out if coronavirus is gay, praying the gay out of the coronavirus, refusing to let it share clean needles, and other scientific responses to disease. And if there's anything else Pence needs to know about coronavirus, he will have a meeting with the CDC, as long as it's not a lady CDC, because he's not allowed to be alone with lady, as per Second Lady Mother's instructions.

Relax, everyone, they GOT THIS.

But anyway, Rush Limbaugh. He knows where the hysteria over so-called coronavirus is coming from. You see, there's a woman from the CDC, Nancy Messonnier, the director of the National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases. She really pissed Trump off when she said there will be "community spread" of coronavirus, and that "It's not so much a question of if this will happen anymore, but rather more a question of exactly when this will happen and how many people in this country will have severe illness." She said America needs to start preparing for that.

Where does THAT lady get off? Trump is trying to make the stock market great again by lying about coronavirus, HOW DARE SHE say real science!

You will understand HOW DARE SHE when you realize who Dr. Nancy Messonnier is. Tell us, Rush!

Keep reading...

Mike Pence Is Your New Czar Of Finding Out If Coronavirus Is Gay, Praying It Away

There were two big takeaways from Donald Trump's big coronavirus presser last night. One that the scientists know what they're doing, and they're concerned, but Donald Trump wants you to look on the bright side and share his assumption that everything's gonna be just fine. The other is that Trump has handed the job of coordinating the government's response to Vice President Mike Pence -- apparently without informing HHS Secretary Alex Azar beforehand! -- and that should really make all of us worry more than a little bit, given Pence's shitty record on public health.

We refer in particular to Pence's mishandling of an HIV outbreak when he was governor of Indiana. At least there will be plenty of Thoughts and Prayers to keep the virus at bay. Unfortunately, several top posts at the Centers for Disease Control are held by women, so it's unclear at this point how long containing coronavirus may be delayed by having to work with Karen Pence's schedule to make sure Mother can attend all meetings between the VP and those temptresses.

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Healthcare

CPAC Speaker Claims Princess Diana MURDERED By Socialized Medicine (Spoiler: She Was Not!)

France actually has one of the highest-rated healthcare systems in the world.

At the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) yesterday, an orthopedic surgeon named Dr. David Schneider terrified a crowd full of, well, the kind of people who go to CPAC, by telling them Princess Diana was killed by socialized medicine — and before she could ever go on a date with Donald Trump. Oh, the humanity of it all!

Via RawStory:

"Socialized medicine killed Princess Diana," the announcer revealed before asking one of the panelists to explain why.

"Princess Diana was in the car accident in France," Dr. David Schneider, an orthopedic surgeon, told the crowd. "They actually don't have any trauma specialists in France."

"For the first hour after that accident, she was still in that tunnel," he continued. "And after an hour, they took her to a nearby hospital and she was alive for another three hours and they couldn't control the bleeding from her pulmonary artery."

According to Schneider, "there were no trauma trained people there."

"I really believe, knowing what I know about her care and comparing it to what Congressman Scalise had, Princess Diana would have lived had that accident happened here in America," he concluded.

It should not shock you to know that this is not at all what happened. Even sort of.

First of all, ambulances in France are different from ambulances in the United States. There is a doctor on them and they are equipped to deal with emergency life-saving situations in a way ambulances here are not. In fact, very often, a French ambulance will come and take care of an emergency without needing to bring the person to the actual emergency room, leaving the triage line shorter for those whose emergencies absolutely necessitate an ER visit.

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News

Odd-Looking 42-Year-Old Manchild Will Bring Cool GOP Kids To Polls For Daddy

Sure, that'll work.

Hillary Clinton crushed Donald Trump among 18-to-29-year-old voters in 2016. Democrats in 2018 collectively did even better against Republicans with that demo, although fewer turned out. There was probably a concert that night. Republicans are now starting to worry that Bernie Sanders, if he were somehow the nominee, might lure young people away from their avocado toast with his pandering concern for their futures and overall well-being. However, they have a plan in place for raising an electoral army of smug young conservatives. This plan involves the president's first-born Tweedledum, Donald Trump Jr., and his adopted Tweedledee, Charlie Kirk. It is not a good plan.

Politico described the pair of Ken dolls as "the 42-year-old son of a billionaire president and his 26-year-old friend." How pathetic is your life when -- even in middle-age -- you're still defined as your father's son? Despite his years of consistent douchebaggery, Trump Jr. will forever remain in the shadow of his father's asshole. Kirk at least founded the awful Turning Point USA. He's pulled his bigotry up by its bootstraps.

Trump Jr. would like nothing more than for his father to remember his name, and he probably figures improving the president's numbers with young voters could help. Trump Jr. is touring college campuses with Kirk and speaking nonsense to people who can't find the exits quickly enough. He usually brings a collection of Milton Berle-fresh jokes about liberals and the oppressive PC culture that prevents someone from crudely shouting at Joe Biden, "OK, Boomer, you've got dementia!" Of course, Trump Jr. was able to say just that without suffering any negative repercussions.

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Trump

How Did Donald Trump Fight Coronavirus On Thursday? Pfffffffft, How Did He NOT?

President Stable Genius GOT THIS, y'all.

On Thursday, the stock market tanked almost 1,200 points, making it the greatest one-day drop in history. Worldwide coronavirus fears continued to spread, but it's OK, because Mike Pence is on the case, or maybe HHS Secretary Alex Azar is on the case, or maybe this other lady who actually does know science things about viruses is on the case, but whatever, it's cool. An HHS whistleblower says a bunch of HHS workers were sent to greet coronavirus evacuees landing at air bases in California without the proper training or protective gear, and sent back into the world without proper testing, and they reassigned her and told her to shut up or get fired, but really, we are sure it's fine.

Point is, they got this.

And to show you how much the president himself has it under control, here is Donald Trump meeting with the coronavirus task force Diamond and Silk in the White House on Thursday.

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campaign finance

Matt Gaetz Is ... Right About A Thing???

Credit where credit is due.

Yesterday at CPAC, Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz announced that he will no longer accept money from political action committees, better known as PACs. And while we are no fans of Matt Gaetz, we will acknowledge that this is a good thing. Even padded with Trump-humping and digs at socialism, this was an impressive speech.

This PAC donation process, with the expectation of exchanging money for favors, renders public service, which should be the noblest of professions, dangerously close to the oldest profession. I've never turned tricks for Washington PACs, but as of this very moment, I will not pick up their money in the nightstand anymore. I will never again accept a donation from a federal political action committee. Not one red cent. The American people are my one and only special interest.

You gotta give it up for Matt Gaetz. Not because it's a huge hit for his congressional campaign, which it isn't. This cycle, he's taken in a whopping $43,550 from PACs. He doesn't need the money anyway, since his seat is in one of the reddest districts in the country, and he can hold it forever for about eight bucks, particularly because he gets infinity free media appearing on Fox every other day preaching the gospel of Jesus Trump and yowling about socialism.

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News

Weirdo Whistleblower Thinks 'Touch Me I'm Sick' Bad Way To Respond To Coronavirus, What A Weirdo

Probably just another plot to make the Trump administration look incompetent.

The Washington Post published a hell of a story yesterday afternoon, detailing a whistleblower complaint from a senior official in the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The official, based in Washington, said 14 HHS employees were deployed to two airbases in California to help with Americans repatriated from Wuhan, China. But according to a redacted copy of the complaint given to the Post by the whistleblower's lawyers, the HHS workers weren't trained to deal with highly infectious diseases, and met face-to-face with the returnees without wearing any protective gear.

Then they were allowed to, like, leave.

The complaint alleges HHS staffers were "improperly deployed" and were "not properly trained or equipped to operate in a public health emergency situation." The complaint also alleges the workers were potentially exposed to coronavirus because appropriate steps were not taken to protect them and staffers were not trained in wearing personal protective equipment, even though they had face-to-face contact with returning passengers. The workers were in contact with passengers in an airplane hangar where evacuees were received and on two other occasions: when they helped distribute keys for room assignments and hand out colored ribbons for identification purposes.

In some instances, the teams were working alongside personnel from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in "full gown, gloves and hazmat attire," the complaint said.

Well that's nice. For her efforts to call attention to the potential risk to the HHS workers, including alerting higher-ups in the office of HHS Secretary Alex Azar, the whistleblower says she was retaliated against by being reassigned to a job outside her area of expertise, and informed if she refuses the reassignment, she'll be fired.

As of blogtime, Donald Trump hasn't yet taken to Twitter to demand she be tried for spying and treason, or to suggest that she merely misunderstood his perfect call with the coronavirus, so there's that.

Keep reading...
News

Part-Time Truck Driver Ted Cruz Defends Hardworkin' Americans From Latte-Sippin' Liberals

Now, we remember why it was so much fun watching Cruz lose to Donald Trump.

The Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) is this week, and Republicans gathered to confront the looming threats to America, which this year is everyone they hate, same as last year and the year before that. This ranges from Mitt Romney to actual liberals who've done more than just personally offend Donald Trump.

Thursday, Ted Cruz and his rubbish beard described the scourge of liberalism in terms you might've heard at an Occupy Wall Street rally. He went full class warfare on Democrats, whom he laughably claimed are the "party of the rich." Yep, the big money left sings while the working-class slaves.

CRUZ: Today, the Democrats are the party of Hollywood celebrities, Silicon Valley, and Wall Street titans. They sip their lattes and they look down on working-class Americans.

Wow! He found us out. Every Democratic voter fits into at least one of those three categories. And we all love lattes. We're too arrogant and elitist to worry about lactose intolerance.

CRUZ: On the other hand, working men and women here, union members. Blue-collar union members used to form the heart of the Democratic Party -- FDR Democrats, who became Reagan Democrats and today they're Trump Democrats.
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Legal

Court Kicks PragerU's 'Free Speech' Lawsuit Right In The Dick

How many times do we have to tell you, Dennis? First Amendment doesn't apply to companies!

Pour one out for Dennis Prager, and Devin Nunes, and his lawyer Steven Biss, and Sean Hannity, and all the other vexatious litigants who think they're going to use the First Amendment to sue American companies into becoming part of the conservative noise machine. The Ninth Circuit just benchslapped the shit out of PragerU's moronic lawsuit against YouTube, through its parent company Google. (You remember PragerU, yes? Wingnut idiot Dennis Prager's fake college?) Or, more accurately, they benchslapped the shit out of Prager's hatemongering sleaze machine AGAIN, since US District Judge Lucy Koh of the Northern District of California already told them to get bent two years ago.

Yesterday's decision described the plaintiff thusly:

PragerU is a nonprofit educational and media organization with a mission to "provide conservative viewpoints and perspective on public issues that it believes are often overlooked." PragerU does not confer certificates or degrees. Instead, the organization creates short videos for high-school, college, and graduate school-age audiences and shares them on the Internet.

That is an extraordinarily charitable characterization. We at Wonkette might instead refer to them as shit-peddling, immigrant-bashing, grifters of the highest order. Which is why we wrote such articles as "Dennis Prager Feels Like The Left's N-Word Because He Can't Just Say ... You Know," "Dennis Prager Will Not Be Bullied By Anne Frank," and "Dennis Prager: A Lying Liar Telling Lies About Yr Wonkette". We report, you decide, as Dennis's pals might say.

In the original complaint filed by Prager University (the scare quotes are implied), these First Amendment warriors bitched about brutal censorship by the evil Google overlords.

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coronavirus

Someone’s Still Gonna Have To Make You A Latte Even If They Have Coronavirus

Maybe we should let people stay home when they're not well.

Writer Lauren Hough posted a compelling Twitter thread Thursday that's worth reading, in light of the coronavirus pandemic. It reminded us that the people who prepare our food, clean our homes, and otherwise keep the world spinning aren't robots. They get sick and because they aren't tech executives, they can't afford to take time off to recover from the sniffles or that pesky walking pneumonia.

Most of the Democratic candidates have some plan for paid family leave. Washington Senator Patty Murray introduced the Healthy Families Act last year. The legislation would provide up to seven job-protected paid sick days each year for workers at businesses with 15 or more employees. If you work somewhere with fewer than 15 employees, your sick time is unpaid, which means you won't take any because you enjoy eating and living indoors. You can also use this time to care for a sick relative, so parents specifically will likely use up their days playing nursemaid to sick kids and return to work with turbo-charged versions of the same illness.

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US of America News

When You See What These Kids Are Jumping In, Your Jaw Will Drop! Tabs For Friday, Feb. 28, 2020

We'll take a tab at this.

Yr Editrix will be back (to work, not from her friend's beach house in Mexico) Monday, but for now you get guest tabs again. And don't expect any recipes either, because Yr Dok Zoom is a philistine when it comes to food. And most other things!

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polls

What Does Your Hannity-Obsessed Uncle Fear More Than Death? Bernie, Socialism, Liz Warren, Sharks, Stairs ...

HAVE SOME POLL PORN!

Here is a fun poll porn survey experiment for you to look at, as you are carefully thinking about how you will vote in the Democratic primary, assuming you have not already voted nine times like most liberals.

We know, going into the 2020 election, that based on the results of the 2018 midterms, people's voting habits are motivated more and more by what pollster and all-around data badass Rachel Bitecofer calls "negative partisanship," i.e. the idea that people are much more motivated to vote against those they oppose, and that the team that's most pissed off and ready to go wins the election. Bitecofer, who almost exactly predicted the results of the 2018 midterms, is fighting against the "Chuck Todd theory of American politics," which makes supposed "swing voters" objects of worship and veneration, as if there's really a giant portion of the population that just vacillates back and forth between the parties like a bunch of idiots. Bitecofer argues that while these folks exist, they're not the dominant part of the equation, not in American politics in 2020.

SeniorLiving.org is out with a new poll Wonkette is exclusively reporting on first, MUST CREDIT WONKETTE! It examines something we think probably goes hand-in-hand with Bitecofer's model, asking a very interesting question of Americans: What do you fear more than death? In other words, what would you rather DIE than have happen? The results are illuminating!

Keep reading...
coronavirus

Mike Pence Will Edit All CDC Coronavirus Messages For Mentions Of Science, Truth, Boobies

No more of this 'disruption to everyday life' crap.

In a move that no one could have seen coming, one of the White House's first jobs for Mike Pence after making him Donald Trump's coronavirus czar was to tell the federal bureaucracy that "all statements and public appearances" concerning about the epidemic will have to be cleared through Pence first. The New York Times reports the administration wants y'all to understand this is not an attempt to subordinate scientists to the administration's political agenda, heavens no, why would anyone think that?

Officials insist the goal is not to control the content of what subject-matter experts and other officials are saying, but to make sure their efforts are being coordinated, after days of confusion with various administration officials showing up on television.

Yes, we're sure this has more to do with Larry Kudlow declaring the virus was all bottled up (Mmmm, bottles!) than with silencing that terrible Deep State Scientist lady all of wingnuttia is mad at for trying to make Trump look bad. If there's one thing this administration worries about, it's having a consistent message at all times, not people saying inconveniently true things.

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National Politics

Rudy McNoFriends Ain't Got No Friends :(

Just kidding, he has five friends, but we're guessing a few of them will end up in prison, so.

If there's one thing people say about Wonkette, it's that we don't talk about Rudy Giuliani's personal problems enough.

Sure, we talked the other day about how Rudy Giuliani, Cyber Expert, is so bad at computer that hackers are using the accidental links he makes on Twitter to put coronavirus butt herpes on other people's computers. But when's the last time we talked about Rudy's loneliness?

January. That's when.

Last time, he was lonely because Congress wouldn't even tickle him with a subpoena, all they wanted was John Bolton, he's so hot right now, what's John Bolton got that Rudy ain't got? (Mustache rides.)

And now Roodles the Clown has gone and accidentally told a reporter how lonely he is, after he thought he got off the phone, but he didn't actually get off the phone, because Rudy is so bad at technology he doesn't know how to hang up his iPhone, we guess. Hey, at least it wasn't a butt-dial this time! (Not that this is better or less embarrassing.)

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Trump

Trump Sues New York Times For Called Him Russian Puppet And Made Him Mad, Awwwww

This is just a very good lawsuit.

On Wednesday, the Trump 2020 campaign filed a libel lawsuit against the New York Times, whining that an opinion piece about Russia and Donald Trump being BFFs wasn't very nice to the Trump campaign.

And yes, it's just as dumb as it sounds.

Donald Trump and his buddy, lawyer Charles Harder, are big fans of using bullshit lawsuits like this to intimidate journalists and use as press releases. They believe they are entitled to abuse the legal system by suing over news they don't like and using their money to silence people who disagree with them. Lawsuits like this one, styled Donald Trump for President v. New York Times, are no more than attempts to use American courts to frighten dissenters into silence.

The op-ed in question, titled "The Real Trump-Russia Quid Pro Quo," was written by Max Frankel, former Times executive editor, in March of last year. The first paragraph of the piece sets the tone:

Collusion — or a lack of it — turns out to have been the rhetorical trap that ensnared President Trump's pursuers. There was no need for detailed electoral collusion between the Trump campaign and Vladimir Putin's oligarchy because they had an overarching deal: the quid of help in the campaign against Hillary Clinton for the quo of a new pro-Russian foreign policy, starting with relief from the Obama administration's burdensome economic sanctions. The Trumpites knew about the quid and held out the prospect of the quo.

I mean ... seems pretty accurate thus far.

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Education

Betsy DeVos Stupid Again

She makes the flames on the side of our face pissed.

It feels like it's been a whole month since we last discussed how much Betsy DeVos sucks. The education secretary with no practical education experience testified before a House Appropriations subcommittee Thursday, and she was just in a foul mood. DeVos is probably testy because every Democratic candidate, regardless of ideology, has declared they'll fire her ass on day one. Amy Klobuchar even said she'd do it within the first 100 seconds of her presidency.

Rep. Mark Pocan from Wisconsin got under DeVos's skin when he grilled her about charter schools, which DeVos loves more than all 17 of her yachts. He quoted her data that shows charter schools are for crap, and she got all Dr. Evil about it. She literally used air quotes when saying the word "question."

DEVOS: Everything you're citing is debunked, ridiculous, so I don't accept the premise of your "question."

Pocan correctly pointed out that the report he cited was not "debunked." The facts stand that the US government wasted $1 billion on charter schools "that never opened, or opened and then closed because of mismanagement and other reasons." Worse, the Education Department doesn't effectively monitor how the money is spent. Another report showed that the state with the most charter schools that simply never materialize (like The Music Man's band equipment) was Michigan, where DeVos stores her yachts and McMansion. The key data in the report came from DeVos herself (though we presume she never read the information personally).

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Immigrants

Bill Barr's DOJ Gives Fox News New Excuse To Flash Scary Mexican Videos At Your Grandma

Like everything involving immigrants, it's a crisis!

The Trump administration's total war on immigrants took another big step forward this week, as the Justice Department opened a whole new section devoted to stripping US citizenship from naturalized citizens who lied on their citizenship application forms. The DOJ is spinning it as an effort to rid America of the very worst, scummiest criminals who have wormed their way into Our Great Nation, no doubt due to liberals who hate America. The actual number of people who'll end up losing their citizenship is likely to be small -- in the hundreds, at most -- but the new "Denaturalization Section" of the Office of Immigration Litigation will help achieve some top administration goals: It will reinforce the narrative that immigrants in general are criminals and all pre-Trump laws were too lax, plus it will send immigrants the message that they're never safe -- not even after they become citizens.

Keep reading...
Conspiracy Theories

Rush Limbaugh So Mad Rod Rosenstein Invented Coronavirus With The Deep State And His Sister

Awesome. This is how we're gonna do public health crises in Trump's America. Neat.

Bad news, y'all. Rush Limbaugh, the well-known Nobel-Prize-winning epidemiologist, has figured out what is going on with this whole coronavirus thing.

Actually, we should say good news, because knowing is half the battle, when you are fighting a pandemic. And if there's anything Donald Trump's coronavirus press conference on Wednesday taught us, it's that the Americans in charge of the response to coronavirus know stuff. For instance, Trump knows it's just not gonna be that bad, because there's only like one American who has it, his name's Dale, and as long as Dale stays home instead of coughing all over everybody at Cracker Barrel like he usually does, we're all good. Oh, and Mike Pence! He knows viruses, and that is why he is the new czar of finding out if coronavirus is gay, praying the gay out of the coronavirus, refusing to let it share clean needles, and other scientific responses to disease. And if there's anything else Pence needs to know about coronavirus, he will have a meeting with the CDC, as long as it's not a lady CDC, because he's not allowed to be alone with lady, as per Second Lady Mother's instructions.

Relax, everyone, they GOT THIS.

But anyway, Rush Limbaugh. He knows where the hysteria over so-called coronavirus is coming from. You see, there's a woman from the CDC, Nancy Messonnier, the director of the National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases. She really pissed Trump off when she said there will be "community spread" of coronavirus, and that "It's not so much a question of if this will happen anymore, but rather more a question of exactly when this will happen and how many people in this country will have severe illness." She said America needs to start preparing for that.

Where does THAT lady get off? Trump is trying to make the stock market great again by lying about coronavirus, HOW DARE SHE say real science!

You will understand HOW DARE SHE when you realize who Dr. Nancy Messonnier is. Tell us, Rush!

Keep reading...
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