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No One Saw It Coming: Snake-Handling Pastor Gets Bit By Snake

Also this is your open thread!

In 2014, Pastor Jamie Coots of the Full Gospel Tabernacle in Jesus' Name church in Middlesborough, Kentucky died from a rattlesnake bite. Was it a camping accident? Did something go terribly wrong at the zoo? No, he was handling those snakes on purpose, in order to demonstrate how super holy he was. Not holy enough, it seems,

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ICE Don't Care If You're Driving Your Pregnant Wife To The Hospital, Will Detain You Anyway

These people are MONSTERS.

Once upon a time, Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers at least claimed to focus their efforts entirely on immigrants involved in criminal activity. Those days are long gone, and now they're going after anyone, including law-abiding people who are just trying to drive their pregnant wives to the hospital to give birth.

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Trump NDAs Unenforceable? Trump Lawyers Shitty? WHAAAAA?!?!?

Losing your mind waiting for the Manfort jury to come back? Join the club! Let's distract ourselves with fun story of Jessica Denson, a former Trump campaign worker who represented herself pro se in a lawsuit to get her Non-Disclosure Agreement invalidated. AND SHE WON!

Why, yes, this is the very same agreement that Omarosa and thousands of other Trump employees signed! (Although the ruling is limited -- but more on that later.)

If Denson ever gets the NDA thrown out in its entirety, she's going to write one hell of a crazy book. Her complaint alone is full of delicious dirt on her rise from a Trump campaign phone banker to Hispanic Engagement Director in the den of vipers that surrounds Trump wherever he goes. According to Denson, along the way she pissed off her supervisor Camilo Sandoval, alienated designated strumpet AJ Delgado, became a favorite of Steve Bannon, and had her claims of persistent workplace harassment ignored by noted champion of women Kellyanne Conway.

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OMAROSA OHMYFUCK! Your Daily Omarosa Roundup, We Guess

Donald Trump just gave one of his awkward trademark press availabilities where he perches his beef body on the White House lawn (awkwardly) and yells the words on his Twitter feed at reporters. Anybody interested in a post about that, or should we just do an Omarosa update? SPOILER, you saw the headline, let's talk about the reality star nemesis who is currently unfairly making our dear Christlike president walk his own personal Via Omarosa on the way to what may end up being certain DOOM. (On our way to hell now, for making that pun. See you there.)

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SEAL Commander Who Killed Bin Laden Invites Trump To Go Suck Some Bone Spurs

Golly gee, it seems like Donald Trump might have just stepped on his own dick again, in revoking the clearance of former CIA director John Brennan, who was integral to planning and executing the mission that killed Osama bin Laden, who, if the president has forgotten, was a radical theocratic fuckwad Islamic terrorist who murdered thousands of Americans on September 11, 2001. (Remember, Donald? You lied about seeing Muslims dancing in the streets that day in New Jersey.)

It's weird how when Donald Trump comes for real American patriots, real American patriots clap back harder, stronger, and with a much louder clappy THWAP! sound than Trump could ever muster (because their hands are normal-sized, as opposed to when Trump claps, which probably sounds like a mouse angrily trying to jerk off).

Admiral McRaven -- or more properly retired Admiral William H. McRaven, who led the Navy SEAL team that fucking murdered Osama bin Laden -- has penned an op-ed in the Washington Post saying that if Trump is revoking security clearances, then please go ahead and take his too, because he'd like to be counted among the patriots who love this country, like Brennan, who speak out against the thin-skinned flabby-ass tinpot dictator wannabe squatting in the Oval Office. He of course said it nicer than that:

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Post-Racial America

We've Now Reached The 'So What If Trump Said The N-Word' Stage Of This Cancerous Presidency

Oh for fuck's sake

I'd mentioned this week that there's definitely probably a tape out there of Donald Trump referring to a black person as a "nigger," because Trump is a racist and that's sort of what they do. Sarah Huckabee Sanders won't even affirmatively deny such a tape exists, and she's from the "two plus two equals five" school of communications management. I also speculated that once the tape was released, Republican supporters of the president would flock to defend his vile words: "Hey, if you rearrange the letters in "nigger," you get "ginger" and who doesn't like redheads and the occasional Dark 'n' Stormy?"

The shameful display has already started and the supposed recording isn't even available for pre-order on iTunes. Georgia State Senator Michael Williams stated in appearance on CNN's "New Day Saturday" that if Trump -- who's the president, by the way -- did say "nigger," it would certainly concern him as an "individual" but "not necessarily as a person that is running our country." So, uh, what the hell is that? This has been a standard argument from Republicans ever since Trump crawled his way out of the sewers of birtherism and onto a major political stage: "We think Trump is a terrible human being -- seriously, we have to shower immediately after meeting with him -- but we still think he's a suitable steward of the most powerful nation on the planet."

Normally, you'd think this would work the other way. You know, your brother-in-law is a nice enough guy. Your sister certainly could've done worse. You don't mind the slightly rambling sports-ball discussions with him at family gatherings. He's good for looking after the kids (as long as your sister is present or reachable by cell), but you'd never invest your hard-earned money into whatever half-assed business venture he's trying to get off the ground nor would you back his run for any serious political office.

I've long had issues with the "brilliant asshole" archetype in TV and movies. It's almost always a white male (because women and minorities must be perfect) whose emotional immaturity and overall jerkass behavior we're told to overlook because they're so goshdarned awesome. Do you want some PC "cuck" or do you want Dr. House to figure out that the MS symptoms you're suffering are really just because you ate a stale doughnut? Sherlock Holmes doesn't have time for your feelings or social niceties -- not while he's solving mysteries and being dreamy.

Trump, however, isn't "brilliant." He's just a guy who says "nigger." They're hardly a scarcity in the market. You don't even have to venture out to a klan rally to find one. You can order online -- same day social media delivery.

Williams argues that Trump didn't use the word "nigger" when he was in the "office of the president." It was just some youthful indiscretion when he was almost 60. I don't even know where he's going with this. Does he think Trump has changed? He routinely insults and belittles black people. He also calls black NFL players who peacefully protest "sons of bitches." Was that his way of weaning off calling us "niggers"? Has he been wearing a "nigger" patch on his arm to control his cravings for the racial epithet?

"He used the word in his personal life," Williams said. (It was actually in a workplace context -- SER) "Now if he were president and were to go on TV and use the n-word, I'd have a major problem with that."

media.giphy.com

It's heartening repulsive to see that Williams draws the line at Trump holding an official "nigger" press conference. I think once we reach that point, Trump will probably also reveal that his buddies on the Supreme Court discovered a typo in the Thirteenth Amendment and black folks' work-life balance will start to really suffer.

"I will always say using the n-word is wrong, and it's bad, and should never be accepted in our society. But just because (Trump) might have done it years ago, not as our president, doesn't mean we need to continue to berate him because he used it," GOP state Sen. Michael Williams, who is white, told CNN's Victor Blackwell on "New Day Saturday."

Blackwell, who is black, had to sit there and listen to this crap from a white elected official who is just 45 years old. You know, the word "nigger" doesn't even appear in the Dred Scott decision, for example, but that's not necessary for reasonable people to understand that it was racist as hell. We all know Trump is racist, but now Republicans can't even repudiate the worst demonstrations of his racial animus. The first black president hasn't even been out of office for two full years and already "nigger" is being redefined. What would once end a campaign in its tracks when Blackwell and I were growing up is now just an "oops, my bad."

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popular

Trump Vows To Protect Conservatives From Pretend Social Media Censorship

They wanna be oppressed so bad.

Conservatives want to be oppressed. Or, rather, for everyone to think they are being oppressed and to then give them what they see as the impunity and moral upper hand that comes along with being an oppressed group of people. They want it very, very badly and think it is very unfair that all the people they have oppressed have this privilege and they do not. This morning, Trump took to Twitter to vow to protect them from the worst kind of oppression of all -- imaginary social media censorship!

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popular

Your Weekly Top Ten Is STILL BOSS OF YOU

TOP TEN COUNTDOWN GET SOME!

OH HI WONKERS NO TIME TO TALK STILL BOSS OF YOU REBECCA BACK SOMETIME NEXT WEEK SO STILL BOSS OF YOU BUT NOT RIGHT NOW GOTTA GO TO A WEDDING IN NASHVILLE AND SHOULD HAVE LEFT TWO HOURS AGO TOP TEN COUNTDOWN LOOK AT DOG PICTURE ABOVE HEY DO YOU LIKE RUN-ON SENTENCES WE DO.

Shall we count down the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by Beyoncé? Yes we shall:

10. Rudy Giuliani: Lying Or Stupid? Stupid Or Lying? It's Just So Hard To Tell! (He's Lying)

9. ACTUAL Space Force Will Land On The Sun!

8. Now Is The Time On Sprockets Where Gordon Klingenschmitt Exorcises Everyone Who Hates Trump

7. Mike Ness Punched Rude-Ass Trump Idiot At A Social D Show And Now We Are All Pregnant

6. Stupidest Man On Internet Shitcans Stupidest White House Correspondent On Internet, For We Dunno Why

5. It's A Kansas Kobach Clusterfuck, And We Are LOVING IT!

4. Jason Kessler: SHUT UP DAD, I'M DOING NAZI STUFF!

3. D.C. Restaurants To Charlottesville 2.0 Marchers: Nazi Punks Fuck Off

2. Please Tell Us What Is Going On With These Creepy DIY Videos

1. Mississippi's 2018 Senate Elections Are, Of Course, Completely Nuts.

So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!

OH HEY, one more thing. Know how Wonkette is fully funded by readers like you, like we mentioned above, and that's how we have salaries and servers and healthcare and liquor? If you want Wonkette to be here FOREVER, you gotta help us out, so won't you click here to do a $10 donation, or even better, a monthly subscription? WE LOVE YOU, YOU PAY OUR RENT. If you need more convincing, check out this story right here, about how it is THAT TIME OF THE MONTH, the one where we really need you to help us make ends meet.

Let's see ... anything else? NOPE.

OK this post is over now, goodbye.

Love,

Wonkette

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Wonkebago

Eastern Washington Wonkers, Are You Spokane For?

We can all hang out at Rachel Dolezal's place. Or better, not!

It is Friday, Yr Wonkette's back end (that's website talk) has been cranky all afternoon like a digital babby that needs a nap, and we are all stuck in the stupidest timeline. The one way we know it's not actually hell is that there are still adorable doggies and kitties and sloths, no to mention toddlers preschoolers named Donna Rose, and of course you, you lovely wonderful readers of ourn. And if you're in Eastern Washington or its environs, you can come out to meet Yr Editrix, Yr Shypixel, and Yr one day Benevolent Monarch Donna Rose come this Sunday in the Evergreen State's second-largest city, Spokane!

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SCOTUS

Brett Kavanaugh Gonna Strict Constructionist All Your Abortions And Gay Weddings Away

But he never says he'd vote exactly like Scalia, whom he loves and admires and wants to have heterosexual strict constructionist babies with.

Rachel Maddow brought us a newly relevant bit of tape from the Before Times last night, of a speech Brett Kavanaugh gave when he was just a plain old federal judge on the DC Court of Appeals. He was remembering his icon, Antonin Scalia, and what a great guy he was for interpreting the Constitution as if it were still 1787, since that is of course the only just and proper way to think about that dead dead document.

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Post-Racial America

It's Not That Funny That You Can't Tell Black People Apart

The issue affects more than just black celebrities

Aretha Franklin's death Thursday had such an impact on us that even FOX News took time out of its jam-packed schedule of promoting white nationalism to acknowledge the Queen of Soul's passing. Unfortunately, the network confused her with the Duchess of R&B Patti LaBelle. Whoops, there it is again. White folks can't tell us apart.

This is not the first such prominent race identification fail. Total Beauty, a Web site whose whole deal is how people look, confused Oscar winner Whoopi Goldberg with other black Oscar winner Oprah Winfrey. Both ladies are kinda famous. Total Beauty was so certain it was talking about Oprah that its tweet even stated, "We had no idea Oprah was tatted!" That's usually your first hint you're possibly thinking of the wrong black person. It's like tagging Barack Obama in a tweet that says, "We had no idea Obama wore Kangol hats and carried a bad motherfucker wallet!" Well, no duh, you've confused the first black president with Samuel L. Jackson. That's the bad motherfucker white folks often mistake for the black guy in The Matrix.

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News

President Whiny Ass Taking His Invisible F-35's And Going To France

Trump is now pretending HE decided to cancel his stupid military parade nobody wanted in the first place. YOU HAPPY NOW?

As Trump's White House dealt with the fallout of more self-inflicted scandals, CNBC reported that Trump's military parade had shot higher than the Space Force for an estimated cost of $92 million. Since nothing says "America" like a large pile of burning money and jet noise, Trump threw a Twitter tantrum, swore up and down that HE canceled the parade, blamed "local politicians," and declared he was going to France instead. You know, for the troops.

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Post-Racial America

Hey, Is Closing All But Two Polling Places In A Mostly Black County Racist? Asking For Georgia.

It's probably necessary to stop illegal aliens from voting. Yeah, that's the ticket.

The ACLU is seriously pissed at a Georgia county that's planning to shut down most of its polling places before this fall's elections. Why, yes, the residents are primarily black and poor, and the Randolph County Board of Elections is mostly Republican. And this is happening before an election that's expected to have heavy turnout, because the Democratic candidate for governor, Stacey Abrams, could become Georgia's first black governor. Closing 75 percent of the polling places in a predominantly black county just might have an effect on the statewide results. Who could have seen this coming when the Supreme Court gutted the Voting Rights Act, except everybody?

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lawsplainer

Trump NDAs Unenforceable? Trump Lawyers Shitty? WHAAAAA?!?!?

Try to contain your astonishment.

Losing your mind waiting for the Manfort jury to come back? Join the club! Let's distract ourselves with fun story of Jessica Denson, a former Trump campaign worker who represented herself pro se in a lawsuit to get her Non-Disclosure Agreement invalidated. AND SHE WON!

Why, yes, this is the very same agreement that Omarosa and thousands of other Trump employees signed! (Although the ruling is limited -- but more on that later.)

If Denson ever gets the NDA thrown out in its entirety, she's going to write one hell of a crazy book. Her complaint alone is full of delicious dirt on her rise from a Trump campaign phone banker to Hispanic Engagement Director in the den of vipers that surrounds Trump wherever he goes. According to Denson, along the way she pissed off her supervisor Camilo Sandoval, alienated designated strumpet AJ Delgado, became a favorite of Steve Bannon, and had her claims of persistent workplace harassment ignored by noted champion of women Kellyanne Conway.

Keep reading... Show less
News

OMAROSA OHMYFUCK! Your Daily Omarosa Roundup, We Guess

Trump deserves what Omarosa is doing to him right now. So much.

Donald Trump just gave one of his awkward trademark press availabilities where he perches his beef body on the White House lawn (awkwardly) and yells the words on his Twitter feed at reporters. Anybody interested in a post about that, or should we just do an Omarosa update? SPOILER, you saw the headline, let's talk about the reality star nemesis who is currently unfairly making our dear Christlike president walk his own personal Via Omarosa on the way to what may end up being certain DOOM. (On our way to hell now, for making that pun. See you there.)

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Elections

The DMV Is Not Like Concentration Camps And Other Statements Self-Evident To Everyone But Morons

Republican candidate for California governor is just trying to lose.

Mike Godwin himself has relaxed his famous Godwin's Law regarding comparing things you don't like to Hitler because we live in Nazi-adjacent times where white supremacists roam free. So, yes, you should note the similarities in Donald Trump's "othering" of his enemies in the press and the brown skin. By all means point out that kiddie jails have less in common with the camps where children play than they do with the ones where Hitler sent people to die horribly. But whatever you do, don't compare the quotidian annoyance of standing in line at the DMV to the systematic extinction of millions of human beings.

Centuries from now, when they teach history at one of the Space Force settlements on Uranus, they will discuss the failed candidacy of John Cox, the Republican candidate for governor of California. He was already polling double digits behind Lt. Governor Gavin Newsom, but that was before he visited the Sacramento DMV.

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Healthcare

It's A Bird! It's A Plane! It's More Disingenuous Trump Horseshit About Obamacare!

No health, no humanity, no service

Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar took to the Washington Post's op-ed page Thursday to shill for Donald Trump's exciting new junk insurance plans that won't cover much of anything, but will have very low premiums. It's a load of bullshit, of course, but it sure has a nifty lying headline: "Obamacare forgot about you. But Trump didn't." All hail the Great Man for selling us "insurance" that insures very, very little -- it's the perfect coverage for people whose idea of "buying a car" is having an undrive-able hulk up on cinder blocks in the front yard.

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News

SEAL Commander Who Killed Bin Laden Invites Trump To Go Suck Some Bone Spurs

We are beginning to think Trump revoking John Brennan's clearance is having some unintended consequences!

Golly gee, it seems like Donald Trump might have just stepped on his own dick again, in revoking the clearance of former CIA director John Brennan, who was integral to planning and executing the mission that killed Osama bin Laden, who, if the president has forgotten, was a radical theocratic fuckwad Islamic terrorist who murdered thousands of Americans on September 11, 2001. (Remember, Donald? You lied about seeing Muslims dancing in the streets that day in New Jersey.)

It's weird how when Donald Trump comes for real American patriots, real American patriots clap back harder, stronger, and with a much louder clappy THWAP! sound than Trump could ever muster (because their hands are normal-sized, as opposed to when Trump claps, which probably sounds like a mouse angrily trying to jerk off).

Admiral McRaven -- or more properly retired Admiral William H. McRaven, who led the Navy SEAL team that fucking murdered Osama bin Laden -- has penned an op-ed in the Washington Post saying that if Trump is revoking security clearances, then please go ahead and take his too, because he'd like to be counted among the patriots who love this country, like Brennan, who speak out against the thin-skinned flabby-ass tinpot dictator wannabe squatting in the Oval Office. He of course said it nicer than that:

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Trade War

Pentagon Hates The Troops. Wonkagenda For Friday, Aug. 17, 2018

Trump's military parade is canceled, the intel community strikes back, and beer saves a life. Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

Now Is The Time On Sprockets Where Gordon Klingenschmitt Exorcises Everyone Who Hates Trump

A fun post, because it's almost Friday!

Former Colorado state legislator and internet-elevangelist Gordon Klingenschmitt (his name is my name too) knows why we hate Trump. Is it because he is a terrible person and a terrible President? Is it because he says horrible things all of the time? Is it because he had the motherfucking gall to refer to Aretha Franklin as someone who worked for him?

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