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Insert Clever Impeachment Headline Here. Another Impeachment Hearing Liveblog!

GOOD MONDAY MORNING TO YOU! Did you feel like easing into your Monday gently, with a nice gallon of coffee and whatnot? That sucks for you.

Anyway, time for another big impeachment hearing in the House Judiciary Committee, where this time the House Intelligence Committee will be presenting its report. Since there is a bit of overlap between the members of the committee, we hope this means congressmen like Eric Swalwell will be presenting the report to himself in front a mirror, perhaps while wearing a tiara or something, we dunno, these hearings need pizzazz.

For Republicans who are on both committees, like John Ratcliffe, we assume this means this is a day they will literally go fuck themselves as they present their fake Republican report to themselves.

Or something.

We don't really have anything smart to say right now, we were just filling space.

Oh, and the witnesses today will be the lawyers who have been doing the questioning in earlier hearings, so that means Dan Goldman, Barry Berke, and the idiot Republican one.

Here's a video.

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Do Us A Favor, Though: Get Wonkette Merch For Everyone On Your Holiday List

OK, listen up you HUMAN SCUM! It's your Doktor Zoom, and we need to have a word. A word about MOVING PRODUCT.

Yr Wonkette has t-shirts and coffee mugs and shot glasses to move, and you, our beloved readers, have holiday shopping needs. Let's see if we can't come to a mutually beneficial arrangement, OK? Sure would be a shame if we had to withhold military aid to you because you aren't buying Wonkette merch for all your relatives, and selected frenemies. So if you know what's good for you (snark and politics and stuff), you'll do your patriotic duty and GO SHOPPING. (Haha, remember when, in a more innocent era, we thought that was as bad and stupid and vulgar as it could get?)

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Hot: That New Joe Biden Ad. Not: FIGHTING A AUDIENCE, JOE.

This is not a post about supporting Joe Biden or not supporting Joe Biden or anything like that. We are already tired of your fucking circular firing squad, and at this point, we just hope somebody survives it and has the energy/reputation left to beat Trump next November.

But hey, did y'all see that Joe Biden ad that dropped last night, capitalizing on world leaders at NATO mocking and LOLing at Donald Trump, about how the entire world is laughing at our dumbass president, with alllll those clips of Trump getting laughed at by everybody who ever lived? It is a good fuckin' ad! It is the kind of ad every Dem who can afford it should be running right now, not least because it'll get right under Trump's thin loserbaby skin.

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Naming And Shaming The 71 House Republicans Who Just Took Russia's Side In Ukraine War

Rachel Maddow's Wednesday night show alerted us to a little vote that happened in the House this week that most didn't notice, what with Trump crying himself to sleep on Air Force One after Justin Trudeau made fun of him, and oh yeah, impeachment.

The House voted this week on H.R. 546 -- just a simple resolution, really. It was introduced by Democratic Rep. Albio Sires of New Jersey and says NO, Donald Trump, you cannot try to sneak your boyfriend Vladimir Putin back into the Group of Seven (G7), not even as a guest and definitely not as a member, no matter how much he begs and/or promises you more sweet election interference in 2020. (As Yahoo! News notes, Russia decided to quit the group for good in 2017, because of how they definitely don't want to be invited to your party, you fuckin' betcha no they never. Yahoo! News also reports that French President Emmanuel Macron actually agreed with Trump at the NATO summit that they should invite Russia to the G7 next year as a guest. Emmanuel, WHAT R U DOIN?)

It passed, of course. But 71 (71!) House Republicans voted against it.

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foreign policy

Rudy Giuliani, Your Bus Awaits

Probably a coincidence all these stories about Rudy appearing on the same day, right?

It could just be a coincidence that the Washington Post and the New York Times both dropped long stories about Rudy Giuliani's corruptionpalooza last night. It's entirely possible that Jim Dwyer and Josh Dawsey both happened to get a load of dirt on Rudy's shady-ass clients at the same time and raced each other to get them into print. Maybe this isn't a concerted move by every sane person in Trump's orbit to get him to ditch his pro bono lawyer before that lunatic gets himself arrested for violating the Foreign Agents Registration Act (FARA). But maybe it is, since even Trump's Kurvy Kouch Krew asked Kellyannne Conway this morning, "Is Rudy Giuliani representing the president in the Ukraine, and is the president going to use that material to bolster his case, or is he acting on his own?"

So, what did we learn about America's Mayor from this conveniently timed news dump? Well ...

Rudy's Got a Big Monthly Nut To Satisfy

Hey, Big Spender! The Times reports that Rudy needs $2.75 million a year for housing and golf expenses, before he buys his first stogie.

A third marriage has fallen into divorce court ruins, revealing monthly expenses of $230,000 for six homes and 11 country club memberships. By taking President Trump as a client, he lost a position at a law firm in 2018 that paid him $6 million annually, according to court filings. In October, he broke with a partner in a security consultancy, a former police officer who had been at his side for three decades. He was so badly hurt in a fall two years ago that his wife put off divorce plans and looked after him for a while. She laments that before he appears in public, no one tells him that dye has given his hair an orange tinge.

And that's post tax income, which means he has to earn about $6 million out of the gate. Besides which, he has alimony payments and is in the middle of a hideous divorce. No wonder this guy is desperate for cash and willing to get in bed with just about anyone to get it.

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White House

HUD Withholding Hurricane Aid To Puerto Rico Until It Investigates Joe Biden

Seriously. We're not even kidding.

While it's unlikely to make it into the articles of impeachment against Donald Trump, you could make a pretty good case that his treatment of the US territory of Puerto Rico rises to a pretty high crime, especially considering the thousands of American citizens who died in the months following Hurricane Maria in 2017 waiting for electricity and disaster relief. And all the time Trump insisted he was Puerto Rico's best friend. But it didn't happen on the mainland, and Trump's pretty sure Those People are just cheating real America, and honestly, it's so hard to keep up with all the horrors while the world is burning down around us.

More evidence that the president of the United States is happy to consign American citizens to hellish conditions because they're of no political use to him: Thursday, Democrats accused the administration of illegally holding up already-appropriated aid to the island. Nobody in the White House or the Department of Housing and Urban Development will say exactly why the aid is being held up, although at a hearing in October, after HUD missed a first deadline, HUD officials said the agency simply wanted to make sure "corruption" in the territory's government wouldn't prevent the aid from reaching the people. Obviously, it's much better to withhold the aid altogether to learn 'em a lesson.

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Impeachment

Ted Cruz Gonna Ride That Trump Train To End Of The Line!

It's your Sunday show rundown!

After a few weeks of the Sunday shows dealing with the C-level Trump lackeys, we got the appearance of some of the "All-Stars" this week from the House and the Senate. So we begin with Texas Senator and second-string Ulysses S. Grant cosplayer Rafael "Ted" Cruz. Appearing on "Meet The Press," Cruz was there to give us a preview of how Republicans in the McConnell-led Senate are going to handle their constitutional duty: like the cynical, partisan hacks they all are!

Chuck Todd began by outlining how the Trump administration's "tough" foreign policy rhetoric doesn't seem to jive with their actions, citing as an example Trump wanting Russia to return to the G7 WITHOUT returning the annexed Crimea (you know, the reason they were booted to begin with!). Cruz immediately deployed Republicans' well-worn talking points, and we were off:

CRUZ: By any measure, the president's policy and this administration's policy have been tougher on Russia and, actually, better for Ukraine than Obama's was. Let me give you an example. You just mentioned Ukrainian aid. The Donald Trump administration gave lethal defensive aid to Ukraine, Javelin missiles, to take out Russian tanks. Do you know what? Throughout the Obama administration, I repeatedly pressed President Obama to give lethal aid to Ukraine. I traveled to Ukraine. I went to the Maiden Square, in Kiev. And they needed lethal aid. But the Obama administration, they sent, teddy bears and MREs.

This talking point is a perfect example of how Republicans hear one "clever" retort and repeat it like the uncle who tries to perform Chris Rock jokes he heard.

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Healthcare

Taxpayers Refuse To Buy Trump Official $50,000 Of Jewelry UNFAIR!

Six grand for that necklace? REALLY?

As much as we all love to hate the Trump administration from afar, it's always nice to know that these assholes hate each other even more up close and in person. Medicare and Medicaid head Seema Verma, a cartoon villain who wears coats made of puppies (probably), has been gleefully dismantling Obamacare and trying to steal healthcare from poor people. But what do her coworkers think of her?

Turns out they detest her, too! Politico and Axios have reported for weeks that Verma and her boss, Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar, spend half their time trying to kick the shit out of each other, forcing Mike Pence, their capo from back in Indiana, to pull them apart keening MOTHER WOULD NOT APPROVE, over and over! (Probably.) And we ain't mad about it! Particularly since Verma and Azar seem to be canceling each other out, each sticking a shiv in the other's signature plan just before it lands on Trump's desk. Also, there's the leaking. So, so much leaking.

Now we're not saying that Alex Azar's allies fed Politico a story that makes Verma look like Marie Antoinette tucking into a cake made from human babies. But we're not NOT saying it either. Here's how Politico described the reimbursement claim submitted by Verma after her luggage was stolen in San Francisco in August 2018:

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2020 democratic primary

Shocking! Liz Warren Earned Millions Of Dollars Over Millions Of Years

It's like she had a job and everything.

Elizabeth Warren and Pete Buttigieg are embroiled in a slap fight right now over transparency. Buttigieg wanted Warren to disclose her tax returns and the details on her past legal representation of corporations. Warren requested that Buttigieg fess up about his former work with corporate consulting firm Wolfram & Hart McKinsey. Presumably, all of this matters somehow, and Warren dropped the bomb Sunday that she pocketed $1.9 million in corporate blood money since 1986.

Annie Linskey at the Washington Post claimed that Warren's compensation "doesn't fit neatly with her current presidential campaign brand as a crusader against corporate interests." Warren isn't a soda pop, but if she were, she's kept her "brand" consistent since 2004, when Buttigieg was in college. She didn't suddenly change her formula like a common New Coke.

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Impeachment

Insert Clever Impeachment Headline Here. Another Impeachment Hearing Liveblog!

It's Monday, fuck it.

GOOD MONDAY MORNING TO YOU! Did you feel like easing into your Monday gently, with a nice gallon of coffee and whatnot? That sucks for you.

Anyway, time for another big impeachment hearing in the House Judiciary Committee, where this time the House Intelligence Committee will be presenting its report. Since there is a bit of overlap between the members of the committee, we hope this means congressmen like Eric Swalwell will be presenting the report to himself in front a mirror, perhaps while wearing a tiara or something, we dunno, these hearings need pizzazz.

For Republicans who are on both committees, like John Ratcliffe, we assume this means this is a day they will literally go fuck themselves as they present their fake Republican report to themselves.

Or something.

We don't really have anything smart to say right now, we were just filling space.

Oh, and the witnesses today will be the lawyers who have been doing the questioning in earlier hearings, so that means Dan Goldman, Barry Berke, and the idiot Republican one.

Here's a video.

Keep reading... Show less
News

Rude Boys. Wonkagenda For Mon., Dec. 9, 2019

MORE impeachment hearings, Rudy's driving the Trump train, and Marianne Williamson peddles BS.Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Recipe Hub

Recipe Hub: Some Baked Stuffed Shrimp For Your Feast Of Seven Fishes, Or For Whenever

It is cheap, easy and also impressive.

Last week, for Thanksgiving, I met my immediate family down in Rhode Island to see my extended family. As lovely as Thanksgiving dinner is, turkey is just never on our food priority list when we go back there. Rhode Island may be small, but it has some truly glorious food and beverages, most of which cannot actually be found outside of the state. Clamcakes I understand, they're definitely more of a thing you eat when you are only a few miles away from the sea, but I still don't understand how the rest of the country has slept on coffee milk. They have salted caramel milk at my grocery store now, but I still have to get my Eclipse coffee syrup shipped to me, like a fool? It's not right.

Every time we go back, one of our biggest priorities is going to Twin Oaks in Cranston. I grew up going to Twin Oaks. It is the restaurant where they gave me a Shirley Temple with my very own glass of maraschino cherries every time I came in with my parents, it is the restaurant where my uncle bit a guy's nose off one time, and it remains one of my favorite restaurants in the whole world. And every time we go there, my mother, sister and I all get the baked stuffed shrimp. Other than the weird conversation I had at a bar with a guy who said he was in max with Ted Bundy and had, I shit you not, an Italian flag neck tattoo, putting those shrimp in my face was the highlight of my trip.

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Nice Time

It Is Very Punk To Like Kittycats, Okay?

Cats are pretty punk all on their own, thank you very much.

Welcome again to your weekly escape from all the nastiness out there! Let's dive right into the kitties and puppies and stuff, shall we? A quick reminder to folks who wonder when THEIR lovely pet pics will be featured in Nice Things: Check the date on that calander next to little Beto up there. I have a LOT of your kitty and doggy and ferret pics, and I may not get to 'em all immediately, or ever. But I will try! Yes, you can post or email more, but only if you promise you'll at least try to be patient!

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Media/Entertainment

If Your Lady Is Jealous Of 'Alexa,' You Might Want To Run

Open thread hate read!

There are a lot of good reasons to not have an Alexa or whatever the Google version of Alexa is in your home. Like, for one, the thing where they are always listening to and spying on you all of the time and the thing where people can hack them with lasers. That is all pretty terrifying.

A bad reason, I guess, to not have an Alexa, would be because you are so insanely jealous that the idea of your husband asking a robotic lady voice about the weather sends you into a spiral. You wouldn't think that would be a thing for anyone, but it is, I guess, a thing for Helen Ellis, who wrote an essay titled "I'm Not Jealous, I'm Territorial" for Roxane Gay's Gay Mag — which is chock full of more red flags than you can shake... a red flag at.

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popular

Tucker Carlson Dazzled By 'Sanity' Of White Nationalist Talking Points

That tracks.

Meet Pete D'Abrosca! Pete D'Abrosca is a Republican running for a Congressional seat in North Carolina's 7th district. He is also a big proponent of the white nationalist "Great Replacement" theory and an advocate of banning immigration entirely, on account of how he is sick and tired of seeing white people replaced with "peasants." Yes, he actually says "peasants," like he is Margeaux on Punky Brewster or some shit.

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Healthcare

Alan Keyes Wants YOU To Drink Bleach (Do Not Do That, You Will Die!)

For real, do not drink magic bleach.

Hey! Remember Alan Keyes? The Black Republican guy who runs for President and isn't Herman Cain or Ben Carson? The gay-hating guy with the crazy eyes who used to work for Reagan? Who once moved to Chicago briefly in hopes of stealing Senator Barack Obama's seat (SPOILER: It did not work out)? Well he's back, and he's now in the dangerous snake oil game. I'd say "Surprise!," but it actually seems pretty apt.

As first reported by Kelly Weill of the Daily Beast, Keyes has been using his new platform on the internet TV station IAMtv (which probably isn't related to the I AM Activity cult, but who knows anymore!) to promote the use of "Miracle Mineral Solution" (MMS) as a cure for almost everything.

The other name for Miracle Mineral Solution, however, is chlorine dioxide, and it is primarily used to bleach things. As you may have guessed, it is not safe to drink and several people have died or gotten sick from trying to drink it.

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News

Your Weekly Top Ten's Wonkette Toddler Picture Isn't Sideways, YOU ARE SIDEWAYS

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

LOOK, IT IS A NEW WONKETTE TODDLER PRESSURE LION OF CUTENESS FOR YOUR TOP TEN POST. That is the type of thing that encourages you to give us donations. And yes, it is sideways and yes we could fix it but also yes, we don't feel like it because yes, we have shit to do because yes we write this on Friday afternoons and yes that means there's an alcoholic beverage burning a hole in our refrigerator.

Anyway!

Before we count down the top ten stories of the week, here is your obligatory money beg, because if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE. Give us money to keep the lights on up in here! Better yet? SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! Thank you, we love you, you pay our rent, especially because of the pic of Wonkette toddler right there doing PRESSURE LION.

Also, have you been to the Wonkette Flea Market lately, in order to find some rare finds? We have all kinds of merches, like t-shirts and coffee cups featuring your favorite candidates, and also just Wonkette-branded swag. Maybe there is some you do not have! GO FIND OUT.

Ready to count down the top stories? Yes, you are.

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Politics

Do Us A Favor, Though: Get Wonkette Merch For Everyone On Your Holiday List

Just say Feck It, through The Gift Shop

OK, listen up you HUMAN SCUM! It's your Doktor Zoom, and we need to have a word. A word about MOVING PRODUCT.

Yr Wonkette has t-shirts and coffee mugs and shot glasses to move, and you, our beloved readers, have holiday shopping needs. Let's see if we can't come to a mutually beneficial arrangement, OK? Sure would be a shame if we had to withhold military aid to you because you aren't buying Wonkette merch for all your relatives, and selected frenemies. So if you know what's good for you (snark and politics and stuff), you'll do your patriotic duty and GO SHOPPING. (Haha, remember when, in a more innocent era, we thought that was as bad and stupid and vulgar as it could get?)

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National Politics

Bill Barr Said A Cussy!

WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Somebody send a criminal referral to the #BeBest Justice Department of No Cussing, because Attorney General Bill Barr is mad enough to say a cuss!

Specifically, he said the "BS" word, while whining about how all these mean people think he's an el cheapo Big Lots regional theater understudy transmogrification of the Roy Cohn figure Donald Trump really wants, as he traipses around the globe trying (and failing) to get people to make up conspiracy theories about the origins of the Russia investigation in service of his braindead master.

Barr said the verified cuss in a New York magazine profile of himself:

"That's all bullshit," Barr said to me in his office of the skepticism surrounding his overseas meetings, which he said were necessary under the circumstances. "This is a case where we're asking for assistance and information, some of which is sensitive or classified information."

GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRRR ARGH!

Hey you guys this is Bill Barr:

Giphy

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News

Detained Teen Died Of Flu. And Of Border Patrol Not Giving A Sh*t

America: The Great Again Chronicles.

ProPublica has published a horrifying investigative piece on the last day in the life of Carlos Gregorio Hernandez Vasquez, the 16-year-old Guatemalan boy who died in Border Patrol detention May 20. Carlos was the sixth detained child to die in less than a year -- following a decade of no child deaths in immigration detention. And while the other kids at least made it to a hospital before they died, Carlos was the only child to die in a Border Patrol facility. This story includes some gruesome details and may make you want to throw your computer out a window.

And here's a surprise: Video of the cell where Carlos died shows US Customs and Border Protection flat-out lied about important aspects of his death. CBP said in a press release that he was found dead by CPB officers during a routine safety check, about an hour after a prior check confirmed he was just fine.

Not quite.

The cellblock video shows Carlos writhing for at least 25 minutes on the floor and a concrete bench. It shows him staggering to the toilet and collapsing on the floor, where he remained in the same position for the next four and a half hours.

Agents didn't discover the death during a safety check; rather, Carlos's cellmate woke in the morning, found him dead, a pool of blood around his head, and got the attention of guards. CBP logs show an agent "checked" on him three times in the early morning hours, but apparently didn't enter the cell, even though Carlos was seriously ill.

The video shows the only way CBP officials could have missed Carlos' crisis is that they weren't looking. His agony was apparent, even in grainy black and white, making clear the agent charged with monitoring him failed to perform adequate checks, if he even checked at all. The coroner who performed an autopsy on Carlos said she was told the agent occasionally looked into the cell through the window

Carlos's teacher back in Guatemala, Jose Morales Pereira, didn't see the video, but told ProPublica that if someone had a sick animal, they'd at least check on it to make sure it was breathing and not in distress.

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