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Sorry I Freaked Out At You Guys Last Night

Hey, remember last night, when I freaked out at you guys? Probably not, because I only left the comment up for about five minutes before I deleted it, too embarrassed at my WHINE and WHAAH and OUTBURST and PETULANCE and WAAH SOME MORE. But it was long enough for like 50 people to feel bad at the sulky shouty lady having a breakdown and SEND HER MONEY, for WONKETTE and LOVE. So thank you, 50 people, I will get to your thank you notes later, after ALL THE NEWS IN THE WORLD.

So let's talk about why I am having breakdowns, what we need, what I'm doing right, what I'm doing wrong, what I'm going to continue doing wrong because I can't help it, and what YOU need to do, because CITIZENSHIP.

First: I can't help hiring new people, all the time, like constantly. If I waited to do this until I had the money in the bank, we would never hire the people! And we neeeeed the people. Two more full-time staffers will allow our writers to take their time on SOME posts, SOMETIMES, like PROFESSIONALS; it'll allow us to have news for you in the morning instead of oh is it TEN THIRTY ALREADY AND I HAVE TO KILL EVAN NOW? Do you want me to kill Evan? OF COURSE YOU DON'T. Also, my therapist says I am impulsive and he is correct. But if my "impulsive" is limited to "hiring people you love and giving them fully funded healthcare so Elizabeth Warren can bone us," I'd say that "impulsive" is GOOD! :D

We'll be able to focus on all the things we're good at, and maybe SOME FUCKING DAY one of us will do a podcast, gross, ugh, how do you even listen to people YAMMERING ALL OF THE TIME. (Can you tell I don't have a "commute" or go to "gym"?)

Second: No, I'm not doing premium content for subscribers; everyone is equal at the Wonkette, and no animal is more equal than others. Second part B: I don't think ads are going to work. I had a brief vision of this ONE AD solving our problems and me not having to beg and whine at you, and ... it just won't. Not just because some of you mewled about that ONE AD which I'd WARNED YOU WAS COMING after TWO AD-FREE YEARS, and it HURT MY FEELINGS and MADE ME YELL AT YOU ... this is not a good apology.

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How Are GOP Idiots Defending Trump's Ukraine Crimes Today?

Donald Trump is so mad right now. About all of it, obviously. He's getting impeached, he probably can't pick out which picture is "camel" the way he used to, everybody hates him, he gets booed at Veterans Day events, his oldest son has that face ... we can't think of a thing he has to be happy about, honestly.

But he's real mad that Republicans won't go out there and say his crime call with Ukraine was perfect, which is what he thinks about his extortion of the Ukrainian president. We imagine it's pretty hard for Republicans to say it was "perfect," since the partial transcript Trump released of the call is, prima facie, a crime spree.

Ayup!

Let's look at some of the new defenses the GOP has come up with the past few days for Trump's bribe-y crime call, and his much longer campaign to extort Ukraine into investigating his political rivals.

SPOILER, none of them are "it was a perfect call!"

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Rudy Giuliani: The Password Is 'ASSWORD'

On Friday, after work, we decided to text one of our best friends to see what she was doing that night. So we pulled out our iPhone and typed "Hey, what you doing this evening," and then we laughed at ourselves because we realized we typed that INTO OUR GOOGLE SEARCH BAR, and we looked at ourselves in the mirror and said "OK Boomer," even though we are not a Boomer.

Speaking of that, computer genius cyber expert superlawyer Rudy Giuliani appears to have texted his password, or a password, to a reporter named Roger Sollenberger, who had just published a thing at BuzzFeed where Giuliani had confirmed some new Ukraine crimes for him, like Giuliani does all the time whenever he opens his mouth. And then it was a dark and stormy night, and Rudy went to a baseball game with Alan Dershowitz:

Two days after publication, on the evening he attended a Yankees playoff game with Alan Dershowitz, Giuliani — President Donald Trump's 75-year-old informal cybersecurity adviser — accidentally texted me what appeared to be a password: Eight characters, beginning with the name of a networking company and including a capital letter, a special character, and a number. Multiple IT experts confirmed it could be nothing else, and, given the iPhone's messaging setup, impossible to type with your butt or in any other unwitting way.

Au contraire, Roger Sollenberger! Maybe Rudy Giuliani's butt just has remarkable dexterity! But is he left-cheeked or right-cheeked? That is what enterprising journalists need to find out.

Sollenberger decided to be nice and say hello, my dude, you appear to have just given me your password, and Rudy said no I gave you my ASSWORD!

I alerted him. He replied, "Oh, that was just a butt dial," but thanked me, punctuated with a smiley-face emoji.

:)

OK, so obviously "Rudy Giuliani, Cyber Expert" is a running joke at this point, because he is BAD AT CYBER.

But this story is just beginning!

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Donald Trump Jr. Heckled Off Stage By Trump Supporters Because God Is Good​

Donald Trump Jr. -- the first and dumbest of the president's children -- just released a new book, Triggered, and his ghost writer gamely constructed something close to sentences from Junior's anti-liberal diatribes. Trump recently tweeted praise for his son's book, which we're certain he hasn't read and never will.

Triggered is subtitled How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence Us. Trump Jr. expected to provide an in-the-field demonstration of liberal intolerance when he and his dented trophy girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle visited the University of California at Los Angeles yesterday. Turning Point USA founder Charlie Kirk moderated the event and barely 20 minutes had gone by before people started shouting down the annoying couple. This pleased Trump Jr. because he's apparently someone who "thrives on hate."

TRUMP JR.: Name a time when conservatives have disrupted even the furthest leftist on a college campus. It doesn't happen that way. We're willing to listen.

Yes, college campuses were once bastions of free speech before they let in women and minorities. White mobs used to threaten the lives of the first black students to attend once all-white colleges. But now it's all so unfair for conservative hacks who can't drop a load of their fetid rhetoric without smarter students heckling them. Women and minorities are also selectively targeted for harassment on social media, but Trump Jr. just dismisses them as "triggered" snowflakes.

The twist here is that while there were a lot of vocal anti-Trump protesters at the event, the audience members specifically calling out Trump Jr. were seemingly devoted fans of the president. They wore "Make America Great Again" caps and other clothing items indicative of low self-esteem. It makes sense that if you model yourself after Donald Trump, you're not going to like his son very much. However, these guys were more upset that the event had canceled a scheduled question-and-answer session. That's how you know they weren't liberal imposters. You don't need a Q&A to heckle Trump Jr. "Why do you suck so bad?" is only a rhetorical question.

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Russia

Tulsi Gabbard Sends List Of Demands To Hillary Clinton, READ THE TRANSCRIPT!11!!1!!1!1

Everybody is saying Tulsi's list of demands for Hillary Clinton is perfect.

On Monday, Tulsi Gabbard threw down the gauntlet in the Democratic primary that exists entirely in her mind, in which she is fighting Hillary Clinton to the death either for the Democratic nomination, or maybe for possession of a secret key that grants #InfinityPower to the person lucky enough to possess it. After Gabbard threw down said gauntlet, Hillary reportedly kind of looked at it and immediately went back to reading her book or making chili or giving a speech on children's healthcare, you know, whatever she was doing at the time.

Gabbard has sent Clinton A LETTER. And not just any letter! It is a LIST OF DEMANDS.

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News

Mick? The Knife. Wonkagenda for Tues., Nov. 12, 2019

Mulvaney gets embussened, the 2020 horse race, and Nikki Haley's truthiness. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Impeachment

How Are GOP Idiots Defending Trump's Ukraine Crimes Today?

None of them will say Trump's Ukraine call was perfect :(

Donald Trump is so mad right now. About all of it, obviously. He's getting impeached, he probably can't pick out which picture is "camel" the way he used to, everybody hates him, he gets booed at Veterans Day events, his oldest son has that face ... we can't think of a thing he has to be happy about, honestly.

But he's real mad that Republicans won't go out there and say his crime call with Ukraine was perfect, which is what he thinks about his extortion of the Ukrainian president. We imagine it's pretty hard for Republicans to say it was "perfect," since the partial transcript Trump released of the call is, prima facie, a crime spree.

Ayup!

Let's look at some of the new defenses the GOP has come up with the past few days for Trump's bribe-y crime call, and his much longer campaign to extort Ukraine into investigating his political rivals.

SPOILER, none of them are "it was a perfect call!"

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Culture

Fine Here Is Your Bloody Kurt Vonnegut For The Armistice. Pray For Peace.

Peace is impossible, so we'll settle for a traditional wish for peace.

It is November 11, 2019, and time again for our annual tribute to Kurt Vonnegut, who made us want to be a writer, and to his birthday, which this year falls on the 101st anniversary of the end of what was optimistically called the War to End All Wars. This is our eighth consecutive Kurt Vonnegut's birthday here at Wonkette, if you can believe that!

Of course, it is mandatory we begin properly, with the quote from Breakfast of Champions that we take down from the attic every year, because what's a tradition without the proper decorations?

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Ukraine

Chucklef*ck Lev Parnas Is Ready To Take It Off, Take It ALL OFF For Congress

They're fabulous, but ARE THEY REAL???

The Chucklefuckery continues! Last week, several news outlets reported that LEV PARNAS HAD FLIPPED!!!!1!! and would soon be starring as this season's Michael Cohen, a figure so utterly lacking in credibility that he could testify for fifty hours and the only person who wound up in jail was ... Michael Cohen. And while Lev Parnas may yet find himself rooming with Cohen in Otisville, it's clear that he hasn't "flipped" as much as he's flopping around like a fish in a net, trying desperately to get back in the water and swim far, far away.

After Parnas got his own lawyer, he realized that perhaps telling Congress to get fucked when you're facing multiple counts of campaign finance fraud and are smack in the middle of an impeachment investigation is probably not so smart. So, while he'll undoubtedly assert his Fifth Amendment right not to squeal on himself and may well invoke attorney-client privilege, he's no longer telling Congress to stick their stupid impeachment subpoena right up their SCIF. On second thought, he'd be only too delighted to accept their generous offer to come for a chat and bring his documents. Let's get that on the calendar!

And now his lawyer, Joseph Bondy, an experienced federal criminal practitioner, seems to be testing the water with a sample of what his client has to trade for the right offer. The New York Times has the juicy juice:

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Culture Wars

Some A**hole Keeps Hiding The 'Liberal' Books In An Idaho Library

It triggers the libs, so it's an excellent hobby.

In northern Idaho, some schmuck is going into the Coeur d'Alene Public Library, pulling books they think are too liberal off the shelf, and hiding them in other parts of the library. The story surfaced locally at the end of September, but it only made the New York Times today -- just a week or so after those brave county supervisors in Florida voted to protect library patrons from exposure to the digital version of the Times, because after all it's "fake news." Two stories make a trend, so with confidence, say we can: Begun the information war has.

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Fuckin' A It's Not That Hard!

Rudy Giuliani: The Password Is 'ASSWORD'

Buckle up, chucklefux! This time it's WEIRD.

On Friday, after work, we decided to text one of our best friends to see what she was doing that night. So we pulled out our iPhone and typed "Hey, what you doing this evening," and then we laughed at ourselves because we realized we typed that INTO OUR GOOGLE SEARCH BAR, and we looked at ourselves in the mirror and said "OK Boomer," even though we are not a Boomer.

Speaking of that, computer genius cyber expert superlawyer Rudy Giuliani appears to have texted his password, or a password, to a reporter named Roger Sollenberger, who had just published a thing at BuzzFeed where Giuliani had confirmed some new Ukraine crimes for him, like Giuliani does all the time whenever he opens his mouth. And then it was a dark and stormy night, and Rudy went to a baseball game with Alan Dershowitz:

Two days after publication, on the evening he attended a Yankees playoff game with Alan Dershowitz, Giuliani — President Donald Trump's 75-year-old informal cybersecurity adviser — accidentally texted me what appeared to be a password: Eight characters, beginning with the name of a networking company and including a capital letter, a special character, and a number. Multiple IT experts confirmed it could be nothing else, and, given the iPhone's messaging setup, impossible to type with your butt or in any other unwitting way.

Au contraire, Roger Sollenberger! Maybe Rudy Giuliani's butt just has remarkable dexterity! But is he left-cheeked or right-cheeked? That is what enterprising journalists need to find out.

Sollenberger decided to be nice and say hello, my dude, you appear to have just given me your password, and Rudy said no I gave you my ASSWORD!

I alerted him. He replied, "Oh, that was just a butt dial," but thanked me, punctuated with a smiley-face emoji.

:)

OK, so obviously "Rudy Giuliani, Cyber Expert" is a running joke at this point, because he is BAD AT CYBER.

But this story is just beginning!

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White Nonsense

Donald Trump Jr. Heckled Off Stage By Trump Supporters Because God Is Good​

It's official: No one likes Donald Trump Jr.

Donald Trump Jr. -- the first and dumbest of the president's children -- just released a new book, Triggered, and his ghost writer gamely constructed something close to sentences from Junior's anti-liberal diatribes. Trump recently tweeted praise for his son's book, which we're certain he hasn't read and never will.

Triggered is subtitled How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence Us. Trump Jr. expected to provide an in-the-field demonstration of liberal intolerance when he and his dented trophy girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle visited the University of California at Los Angeles yesterday. Turning Point USA founder Charlie Kirk moderated the event and barely 20 minutes had gone by before people started shouting down the annoying couple. This pleased Trump Jr. because he's apparently someone who "thrives on hate."

TRUMP JR.: Name a time when conservatives have disrupted even the furthest leftist on a college campus. It doesn't happen that way. We're willing to listen.

Yes, college campuses were once bastions of free speech before they let in women and minorities. White mobs used to threaten the lives of the first black students to attend once all-white colleges. But now it's all so unfair for conservative hacks who can't drop a load of their fetid rhetoric without smarter students heckling them. Women and minorities are also selectively targeted for harassment on social media, but Trump Jr. just dismisses them as "triggered" snowflakes.

The twist here is that while there were a lot of vocal anti-Trump protesters at the event, the audience members specifically calling out Trump Jr. were seemingly devoted fans of the president. They wore "Make America Great Again" caps and other clothing items indicative of low self-esteem. It makes sense that if you model yourself after Donald Trump, you're not going to like his son very much. However, these guys were more upset that the event had canceled a scheduled question-and-answer session. That's how you know they weren't liberal imposters. You don't need a Q&A to heckle Trump Jr. "Why do you suck so bad?" is only a rhetorical question.

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Ukraine

Do Not Make Wonkette KICK YOUR ASS For Attacking Adorkable Patriot Alexander Vindman

You know that neighbor you ask to borrow a wrench and he comes over and fixes your sink for you? It's this guy.

Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman is a mensch and a patriot, and the Republican hacks out there attacking him are SUCH A ASSHOLE. We read his entire testimony this weekend (so, so much elliptical machine!), and we never want to hear again how much the Republicans love the troops. This guy's testimony is really bad for Trump, so they're going to slime a Purple Heart recipient with shrapnel in his body from a roadside bomb in Iraq and destroy his career because he stood up and told the truth.

Let's Ragesplore!

Meet Alex, Nerdball Extraordinaire!

Did Alex Vindman wear a pocket protector every day of high school? Safe bet!

Ukrainian-born twins Alexander and Yevgeny Vindman are both lieutenant colonels in the army, and both serve on the Trump National Security Council, where Yevgeny is the top ethics lawyer and Alexander is the Ukraine expert. Never Trumpers, they are not.

Alexander is the older brother by nine minutes, which we know because he said it at least five times during his testimony.

He's 9 minutes younger. He's my kid brother, whether he Iikes it or not.
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Class War

Every Non-Billionaire American Is A Better Person Than All These Sobbing Billionaires

Hear me out.

For the last several weeks, we have been hearing a lot from billionaires. Billionaires who are very, very sad and disappointed that Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders are going around suggesting that maybe they should give back more so that the rest of America can be a little less miserable. So we can all have things like health care and child care and education, all of which will help to create a society in which the distribution of wealth is slightly less ridiculous.

Absurdly rich human beings like hedge fund manager Leon Cooperman and JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon are going on TV wailing about these proposed taxes and the way in which they feel they are being vilified. They're out there begging their fellow billionaire Michael Bloomberg to run for president so they at least have some representation in government. You know, other than the kind they buy.

I mean, seriously. This motherfucker is openly weeping.

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News

Peter King To Leave Congress, No Not Steve King, The *Other* Bigot

Don't let the door hit you in the ass.

Rep. Peter King (R-NY) announced on Facebook this morning that he won't run for reelection next year, making him the 20th Republican in Congress to call it quits before next year's referendum on Donald Trump -- or maybe "President Pence." The Long Island Republican is one of those Republican "moderates," meaning he's generally rightwing on everything but has also been the rare R who's cosponsored some bills calling for modest gun safety reforms like universal background checks.

In his statement, King said he'd talked it over with his wife and kids (they're both adults), and decided that "after 28 years of spending 4 days a week in Washington, D.C., it is time to end the weekly commute and be home in Seaford." We're not sure if that translates to dead girl, live boy, or whopper of a financial scandal. Or perhaps he just wants to be able to get out while the getting's good, although he emphasized that while he's still in Congress he plans to vote against impeaching Trump, and to support Trump's 2020 bid.

Around Wonkette, Pete King will always be remembered as the guy who thought the IRA was a great bunch of freedom fighters but who disliked other terrorists -- which he figured had to include most American Muslims. He was also known to most Americans as "Oh, Peter King. The bigot from New York, not the bigot from Iowa."

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Impeachment

A Gentle And Loving Reprimand For Chuck Todd, Because We Are Gentle And Loving

Gonna try that 'catch more flies with honey than vinegar' thing for like five seconds and then go back to being dicks.

Chuck Todd has had a couple moments of greatness lately. We know, it's weird! When the Ukrainium One Trump impeachment story really broke wide open, he hosted Louisiana GOP Senator John Kennedy. Todd got real mad at Kennedy, because Kennedy wouldn't stop saying stupid completely debunked lies about what Joe Biden supposedly did in Ukraine. A couple weeks later, he hosted Wisconsin GOP Senator Ron Johnson, and he YELLED AT RON JOHNSON, because Johnson was doing the same thing, saying stupid lies not only about Joe Biden, but also about how Ukraine was the real collusion in the 2016 election.

We have been impressed, quite frankly. And we have wondered where the real Chuck Todd is, and if he is safe, BLINK TWICE IF KIDNAPPED.

So it is in the spirit of gently correcting Todd, so as to keep him on the path of righteousness, that we must reprimand him today. It's not the biggest thing in the world, it's just that we care about him and want to encourage him as he tries to become a real live grownup journalist.

Todd had Rand Paul on Sunday morning's "Meet The Press." (First mistake.) Paul spewed a bunch of weird crap about how it's totally OK to do quid pro quos with Ukraine, because Ukraine is "corrupt," even though this is aid that had been appropriated by Congress. It was incredibly dumb, because everybody with two brain cells to rub together knows that Donald Trump doesn't give a shit about "corruption" in Ukraine or anywhere else, unless it's corruption that benefits him, in which case he's for it.

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2020 democratic primary

Elizabeth Warren Is So Angry It's Like She Knows Trump Is President

Yeah, she's ready to kick some ass. Are you?

Elizabeth Warren is "angry." That's what her political opponents claim, and it's in their interests to paint the selfie senator as a less-than-kindly schoolmarm. Joe Biden said Warren had an "angry, unyielding viewpoint." Pete Buttigieg thinks Warren's "so absorbed in the fighting that it is as though fighting were the purpose." He suggested she's only running to pick fights.

BUTTIGIEG: She's more interested in the fighting part of it. I'm more interested in outcomes.

It's unclear what "outcomes" Mayor Dobie will achieve as president other than having Republicans eat his lunch every day for four years. Warren actually understands that Republicans exist. She's not naive enough to think they'll suddenly have an "epiphany" and "rejoice" in the holy spirit of "bipartisanship" once Donald Trump's gone. If it sounds like Warren's ready for a fight, that means she's prepared to serve as the president of America not Hippie Dippy Land.

Fighting isn't Warren's singular objective. She's not Jake LaMotta. Her "purpose" is taxing rich people back into the Stone Age or more accurately the mid-1950s. If she was just a windmill tilter in a leather jacket, billionaires wouldn't have nightmares on their streets about her.

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News

Bless Her Heart. Wonkagenda For Mon., Nov. 11, 2019

The GOPs impeachment strategy, Nikki Haley has words, and 2020 Dems get heated. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat, and happy Veterans Day (or Armistice Day)! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Media/Entertainment

Dean Cain Sucks.

Worst. Superman. Ever.

This past Wednesday, America's Least Super Man Dean Cain attempted to be a real American hero by outing the whistleblower whose Inspector General complaint was found credible, triggering the House's Impeachment Inquiry of Donald Trump. Cain tweeted out a photo of Obama staffers with a big red circle around the supposed "traitor's" face, along with this caption from 1994, which is, coincidentally, the last year in which Dean Cain was at all relevant:

R. David Edelman, the man whose face was circled in the picture, was not the whistleblower.

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Culture

Wonkette Book Club: How Do You Undo A Dystopia?

Margaret Atwood's The Testaments: Too optimistic?

As we noted last week, it's not easy to pull off a sequel to a iconic book. You'll probably get a bestseller, but it's hard to create a second cultural touchstone. We have a feeling that Margaret Atwood's The Testaments, the sequel to 1986's The Handmaid's Tale, won't ultimately attain the legendary status its predecessor has, but it at least won't be remembered as a disappointment. That's not faint praise at all, given how disastrously a lot of attempts to return to an iconic work of fiction have turned out. It may not become legendary, but it's a satisfying return to themes Atwood explored in Handmaid.

Since we're allegedly all finished with the book, there will be some spoilers ahead, but if you haven't done the reading, feel free to take part in the discussion. I'll try to talk around some of the surprises, maybe, like the fact that Darth Vader is Aunt Lydia's father, and she's been a ghost the whole time. I will at least offer you this much warning, OK?

No, not my fault if you keep whistling "The Farmer in the Dell" all day.

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