Go To Hell And Shut The F*ck Up, Marco Rubio

Oh, Marco Rubio is so MAD. He's gonna have to get on Twitter and post a mean angry Bible verse, that's how mad he is. Maybe that'll teach the Miami Heat to make nice tribute videos to the children murdered in Uvalde, Texas, videos that ask sports fans to call their senators and tell them to pass common sense gun safety laws. And that'll teach Miami Heat fans to clap and cheer when the Miami Heat tells them to do that.

That'll teach 'em all. Marco Rubio gonna teach 'em all. BIG MAN!

Look at this fucking whining:

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Top Five Bullshits The Right Is Trying To Distract You Away From IT'S THE GUNS.

If nothing else, mass shootings and school shootings always bring out the creative side of America's worst human beings. Whether they're desperate for the shooter to not be a white supremacist (for fear it would make other white supremacists look bad, because they look so good and normal otherwise) or for the usual reason that they just really, really don't want gun control. They want it to be about literally anything else. Ideally, they'd especially like it to be about a thing they are mad about so that they can blame it on the Left. Because for them, it's not about actually preventing these massacres or making people safer, it's about who gets the political points.

To be fair, they also claim to believe that this is what we are doing. They believe the reason we look at mass shootings and say, "Wow, seems like we should perhaps be more careful about who gets guns and perhaps not sell guns that make it super easy to kill a whole bunch of people within a very short span of time" is not because this is the most obvious and logical conclusion to reach, but because it is part of our long game to take their guns and do tyranny to them. Granted, these are people who also really love Augusto Pinochet, Vladimir Putin, and Viktor Orbán so it's not totally clear what they imagine "tyranny" is. It's certainly not forcing everyone to adhere to one's own religion or forcing them to give birth against their will or forcing them to conform to what you believe their gender identity or sexual orientation should be, because those are things they would enjoy. I'd say it's "everyone having health care" but Russia and Hungary both, technically, have universal, publicly funded health care and even Pinochet couldn't totally get rid of FONASA (Chile's public healthcare program). It's honestly hard to tell!

So in order to keep people from turning to that very logical conclusion, they have come up with umpteen entirely unreasonable conclusions in hopes of distracting us. Let's take a look at some of the gems we've seen this go-round.

1. Ted Cruz's School Door Control

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Police Response To Uvalde School Shooter Delayed By Cop Thumbs Up Cop Asses

The Associated Press reports that "Frustrated onlookers urged police officers to charge into the Texas elementary school" while the shooter was inside killing 19 fourth-graders and two teachers, but that it actually took between 40 minutes and an hour before a tactical team from the Border Patrol entered the classroom and killed the shooter. The good guys with guns stood by, it seems.

“Go in there! Go in there!” nearby women shouted at the officers soon after the attack began, said Juan Carranza, 24, who saw the scene from outside his house, across the street from Robb Elementary School in the close-knit town of Uvalde. Carranza said the officers did not go in.

Remember how in 2020 the freaking US Attorney General of the United States (and all of rightwing media) insisted we needed to be more appreciative of police and stop complaining when they killed unarmed Black people, or maybe someday a terrible thing would happen and there'd be no police to save the day? Seems like that's already the case in Uvalde, although we haven't seen any reports that the town ever tried to "defund" its police.

Read More: Bill Barr: Support Your Local Police. Or Else.

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So Beto's Pissed

In 2019, during Beto O'Rourke's short-lived run in the Democratic presidential primary, a white male terrorist entered a Walmart in El Paso, Texas, Beto's home, and murdered 20 people. That was an explicitly racist mass killing event, and Beto was not shy about talking about who was inspiring that racism, and what mass shooters use to mass-shoot people. (It's guns.) He said out loud over and over again that "This is fucked up." And he ran on that, without shame. He didn't win, obviously, but it mattered.

Now Beto O'Rourke is running for governor, and another gunman has murdered 21 in Uvalde, Texas. And the guy he's running against, living breathing piece of shit Greg Abbott, had a press conference today. And Beto showed up. And you can say all you want about how Beto sure does know how to get the camera on him at times like these, and we'll gently explain you how that is called "politics."

Beto was there to say, "You're doing nothing. This is on you." In response, one of Abbott's loser white boy goons called Beto a "sick son of a bitch" and Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick took a break from spreading white nationalist great replacement conspiracy theories to say there'll be "plenty of time" later on to decide what needs to be done about mass shootings.

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Wonkette's Weekly Top Ten Is All You're Getting Today

So come read them!


It's Memorial Day weekend, which means that instead of working today, I'm going to drop this Top Ten so you all have something to comment on, then I'm gonna get some shit done and go to DSW with my sister. Hooray!

But before that, I got you a lovely present. Or a horrifying present, actually, as the case usually is and definitely is today. It is a rap, performed by a bunch of white people from 1980s Flora, Illinois, about how they want a prison in their town. According to the description, they were competing with about 33 other towns for the honor and did not get it, but did end up on Good Morning America.

Is We Is (Original Upload) www.youtube.com

Yup. This is a thing that exists, and it is horrible.

Quick programming note, before I jet — Rebecca has informed that the commenters here have some kind of movie thing on Saturday nights and has suggested we should put up a separate post for that. Not sure how it would work, but if that is something the people want, maybe appoint someone to tell me what movie you're watching every week and I can put up a post so you can all comment on it in there? My email is Robyn@Wonkette.com, get in touch if that's a thing you want me to do. Or if you just want to send me compliments, which are of course always appreciated.

Have a lovely day!

And here are your top ten stories of the week/ articles that got a lot of page views because of how they were open threads.

10. Why The Right Is Obsessed With Nonexistent Mid-Labor Abortions

9. Virginia County Considers Making Schools Celebrate Slavery, Confederate Generals Again

8. Wonkette Weekend Live Chat Is Still Counting Pennsylvania GOP Primary Ballots

7. Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, The Mint Julep!

6. MI State Rep Candidate Has Great Plan To Ruin Sex For Everybody

5. How Many Ways Did Ginni Thomas Try To Ratf*ck The 2020 Election? Oh, Just All Of Them.

4. Glenn Beck Knows Why

3. So Beto's Pissed

2. Herschel Walker Completely Shocked To Learn Trump Thinks 2020 Election Stolen

1. Hero Clerk Shuts Maine Town Down, Quits Job After Being Refused Vacation Time

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Recipe Hub

Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, The Key West Mai Tai!

Drink your favorite cocktail. It's Memorial Day weekend.

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. It’s been rough, but the Memorial Day weekend is finally here. Summer means tiki season for me. I’m too tired and frazzled to play by the rules, though. Let’s recreate a tasty drink that I found in Florida before America went crazy. Here’s a Key West Mai Tai. Recipe’s below.

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A wee heartening thing to cap off this week.

Every post on the shooting in Uvalde, Texas, seems to have been worse than the last. Particularly: Maybe Cops Let Uvalde Shooter Keep Killing, But At Least They Handcuffed Some Parents. In it we learned that in fact, while the dads were ready to LET'S ROLL, the police were tasing them (and children were getting murdered inside). We also learned this utterly horrific timeline, during which the incident commander on scene claims (apparently) to have been somehow unaware that a little girl in the classroom stacked with the corpses of her schoolmates had been calling police just about every two minutes, for an hour. Another little girl called 911 too. It is unclear as of now which little girl survived.

Trigger warning, and I mean it:

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