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Sorry I Freaked Out At You Guys Last Night

Hey, remember last night, when I freaked out at you guys? Probably not, because I only left the comment up for about five minutes before I deleted it, too embarrassed at my WHINE and WHAAH and OUTBURST and PETULANCE and WAAH SOME MORE. But it was long enough for like 50 people to feel bad at the sulky shouty lady having a breakdown and SEND HER MONEY, for WONKETTE and LOVE. So thank you, 50 people, I will get to your thank you notes later, after ALL THE NEWS IN THE WORLD.

So let's talk about why I am having breakdowns, what we need, what I'm doing right, what I'm doing wrong, what I'm going to continue doing wrong because I can't help it, and what YOU need to do, because CITIZENSHIP.

First: I can't help hiring new people, all the time, like constantly. If I waited to do this until I had the money in the bank, we would never hire the people! And we neeeeed the people. Two more full-time staffers will allow our writers to take their time on SOME posts, SOMETIMES, like PROFESSIONALS; it'll allow us to have news for you in the morning instead of oh is it TEN THIRTY ALREADY AND I HAVE TO KILL EVAN NOW? Do you want me to kill Evan? OF COURSE YOU DON'T. Also, my therapist says I am impulsive and he is correct. But if my "impulsive" is limited to "hiring people you love and giving them fully funded healthcare so Elizabeth Warren can bone us," I'd say that "impulsive" is GOOD! :D

We'll be able to focus on all the things we're good at, and maybe SOME FUCKING DAY one of us will do a podcast, gross, ugh, how do you even listen to people YAMMERING ALL OF THE TIME. (Can you tell I don't have a "commute" or go to "gym"?)

Second: No, I'm not doing premium content for subscribers; everyone is equal at the Wonkette, and no animal is more equal than others. Second part B: I don't think ads are going to work. I had a brief vision of this ONE AD solving our problems and me not having to beg and whine at you, and ... it just won't. Not just because some of you mewled about that ONE AD which I'd WARNED YOU WAS COMING after TWO AD-FREE YEARS, and it HURT MY FEELINGS and MADE ME YELL AT YOU ... this is not a good apology.

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Black White Nationalist Candace Owens Blames Obama For Inventing The Racism She Filed Lawsuits Over

Tomi Lahren's blackface performance art character, Candace Owens, appeared on "The Ingraham Angle" last night, and it was just a coupla white chicks sitting around talking about race and Pete Buttigieg. Mayor Lochinvar of the Democratic Party got in a spot of trouble the other day when he implied that Barack Obama was a big loser whose incompetence led to Donald Trump raining hell on the American people. Evan Halper at the Los Angeles Times later clarified that Buttigieg didn't actually call out the "failures of the Obama era" but instead decried the "failures of the old normal" like the dismissive "OK, Boomer!" Millennial he is. That's some pretty sloppy reporting there. But after the misquote's retraction, Buttigieg followed up with some nice words about Obama and everyone moved on.

Unfortunately, Laura Ingragam is both of evil and capable of simple inference. She thought there was “wisdom" in Buttigieg's criticism of Obama. She looked so happy when she put it together, like she was carving into a sous-vided baby cooked to perfect medium rare.

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Tulsi Gabbard Sends List Of Demands To Hillary Clinton, READ THE TRANSCRIPT!11!!1!!1!1

On Monday, Tulsi Gabbard threw down the gauntlet in the Democratic primary that exists entirely in her mind, in which she is fighting Hillary Clinton to the death either for the Democratic nomination, or maybe for possession of a secret key that grants #InfinityPower to the person lucky enough to possess it. After Gabbard threw down said gauntlet, Hillary reportedly kind of looked at it and immediately went back to reading her book or making chili or giving a speech on children's healthcare, you know, whatever she was doing at the time.

Gabbard has sent Clinton A LETTER. And not just any letter! It is a LIST OF DEMANDS.

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How Are GOP Idiots Defending Trump's Ukraine Crimes Today?

Donald Trump is so mad right now. About all of it, obviously. He's getting impeached, he probably can't pick out which picture is "camel" the way he used to, everybody hates him, he gets booed at Veterans Day events, his oldest son has that face ... we can't think of a thing he has to be happy about, honestly.

But he's real mad that Republicans won't go out there and say his crime call with Ukraine was perfect, which is what he thinks about his extortion of the Ukrainian president. We imagine it's pretty hard for Republicans to say it was "perfect," since the partial transcript Trump released of the call is, prima facie, a crime spree.

Ayup!

Let's look at some of the new defenses the GOP has come up with the past few days for Trump's bribe-y crime call, and his much longer campaign to extort Ukraine into investigating his political rivals.

SPOILER, none of them are "it was a perfect call!"

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Impeachment

It's Impeachment-Eve-Thirty, Motherf*ckers! Let's Remember What Trump's Ukraine Scandal Is Really All About.

Missed some Ukraine stories and need to catch up? WONKETTE GOT YOU.

Welcome to Impeachment Eve! Or, you know, the first of many Impeachment Eves.

Tomorrow is the first public impeachment hearing in the House, and the guests of honor will be (acting) ambassador to Ukraine Bill Taylor and State Department official George Kent, two people whose testimonies behind closed doors were devastating to Donald Trump. The hearings start at 10 a.m. Eastern, which is "time" where you live, it will be aired on all the channels and all the internets, and yes, we will be FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE-ing here at Wonkette, which is another word for "liveblogging."

Last night, Rachel Maddow started off her show with an "A" block that we think really captured what this impeachment is all about. As complicated as certain details have gotten, remember that the central crime has remained simple: Donald Trump abused the power of his office for personal gain by extorting a country to manufacture fake dirt to help him win the 2020 election, and also to legitimize his 2016 "win," while threatening to withhold military aid they desperately need to survive their war with Russia, Trump's BFF who invaded them.

That's it. Memorize that sentence if you want to. Set it to music! CHOREOGRAPH A JIG!

It's not "allegedly." He did it. Everybody who has testified says he did it. The original whistleblower complaint says he did it. His READ THE TRANSDFRIPT!!11!21! says he did it. Mick Mulvaney says he did it. His confessions say he did it.

And oh yeah, tomorrow's all-stars Bill Taylor and George Kent sure as hell say he did it, as does Marie Yovanovitch, the ambassador who got fired because she was in the way of Trump doing it, who will be testifying in public on Friday.

Game over. Get the un-American fucker out of office already.

BUT IN CASE YOU HAVE MISSED SOME STUFF, LET'S CATCH UP!

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Featured

Roger Stone Charms Jury By Staying Off Witness Stand

Even a blind squirrel is right twice a day.

If Donald Trump's campaign was really doing NO COLLUSION with Russia, it sure as hell wasn't for lack of trying. Testimony from Steve Bannon and Rick Gates conclusively establishes that the Trump campaign believed they were working with Wikileaks through Roger Stone to get the stolen DNC emails released.

Maybe Roger Stone was lying about having a conduit to Wikileaks, although he and that loon Jerome Corsi correctly "predicted" that it would soon be John Podesta's "time in the barrel." And perhaps the Trump campaign didn't realize that Kremlin-backed hackers had broken into the DNC server. Although Rick Gates testified that just days before his famous plea for Hillary Clinton's emails, "Russia, if you're listening," Trump hung up the phone after speaking to Roger Stone and announced that Wikileaks was going to dump more stolen Clinton dirt.

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Impeachment

Fed Society Founder Steve Calabresi Was A Dick But He Was Smart. The Daily Caller Ruined That Too

Jamie used to respect this guy, her old professor. His thoughts on 'Constitution' and 'impeachment' are YIKES.

If we wrote about it every time the Daily Caller published bootlicking bullshit with no legal or factual basis, we wouldn't have time to do anything else. But this isn't just your typical Daily Caller drivel. It was "written" (allegedly) by none other than Steven Calabresi, one of the founders of the Federalist Society. And it is one of the dumbest things I have ever read.

It's bad. It's really bad. It's bad even for 2019. It's bad even for a defense of Donald Trump. I might even go as far as to say it's bad even for the Daily Caller, and the fact that that's even a possibility should tell you how bad it really is.

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2020 democratic primary

Democratic Establishment Wondering Just How Stuck They Are With Joe Biden

If the tag's still attached, then they have options.

People -- well, mostly white dudes -- like to claim that Hillary Clinton was a sucktastic candidate. However, there's a reason her only serious competition in 2016 was the socialist. It wasn't because the DNC "cleared the field" for Queen Hillary's coronation. People just didn't want to get their asses beat.

It's quite a different primary race this time. So many Democrats are running it's hard to notice when they drop out. It's like raking leaves. They still keep piling up. Joe Biden is the mostly undisputed frontrunner, and that excites no one, not even his wife. He was the non-threatening choice, perfectly capable of defeating Donald Trump with his high-octane electability. But according to a recent article in the New York Times, the "movers and shakers" in the party are having second thoughts. Maybe they finally Googled "Joe Biden." Regardless, according to the Times, they're asking themselves, "Is there anybody else?"

New York Times

Please stop already with the "Michelle Obama for president" nonsense. Michelle and Barack are out there living their best lives. She's not giving that up to become anyone's personal Oprah. There's an actual black woman already running in this primary. Support her.

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Immigrants

Donald Trump Libelslandering The DACA Kids, So That's A Surprise

You know who's really a 'hardened criminal'? Half his administration!

With the Trump administration's attempt to shut down the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) program being argued before the Supreme Court today, the Great Man took the opportunity to tweet about it. Remember how he used to say his "heart just breaks" for the plight of folks who were brought to the US as little kids and through no fault of their own don't have legal status because of their illegally border-crossing parents (who are of course scum)? He even briefly said this about DACA kids, shortly after he decided to end DACA and then found out that wasn't popular.

Trump's opinion of those fine young men and women is as variable as anything else rattling around in his head, so of course this morning he decided the best strategy would be to simply lie through his teeth about DACA recipients:

You know how it is: Sure, they may be cute and innocent-looking when they're young, but whatever country in Mexico they're from Donald Trump knows they're murderers and rapists, they sell drugs, and some, he supposes, are good people, although that last bit is open to revision for the 2020 campaign.

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Impeachment

Rudy's Confess-A-Crime Podcast Will Be Just Like Build-A-Bear, Except Crimes Not Bears!

You know, allegedly.

POP QUIZ: If you were a person serving as the unpaid lawyer to the most criminal president in American history, AND you were also under federal investigation and just had to retain defense lawyers because of your extracurricular activities in pressuring foreign countries to meddle in the 2020 election campaign for the benefit of that president, AND your Ukrainian-American Chucklefuck pals who were part of that scheme were under indictment and living in Ankle Bracelet Jail, AND you had a well-known propensity for accidentally confessing your crimes and your president's crimes whenever you go on TV or when your ass texts a reporter or when your fingers text a reporter or when your ass calls a reporter or when your mouth calls a reporter, ON A SCALE OF ONE TO "LOL OH MY GOD NO" ...

How much should you start a podcast?

Where you'll have zero adult supervision and can just ... say things?

And you will not have 17 hot dogs in your mouth at all times to prevent you from just ... saying things?

Yeah well nobody ever accused Rudy Giuliani of having good judgment:

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Trump impeachment hearings

Bolton Tells Mulvaney To Find His Own Mustache Ride

A lawsplainer!

If Mick Mulvaney and John Bolton were drowning and you could only save one, which would it be? Never mind, DON'T ANSWER THAT. The point is, these ghouls are suing, and unfortunately they couldn't both lose. Apparently Bolton's former deputy kicked Mulvaney in the pink bits and forced him to go find his own lawsuit. More or less.

On October 25, John Bolton's former deputy at the NSA, Charles Kupperman, sued the House of Representatives, which had subpoenaed him to testify, and Donald Trump, who had ordered him not to. Kupperman argued that he was stuck between two competing authorities and needed the court to break the tie. Although Bolton isn't directly involved in this case, it's viewed as a proxy for his interests because he and Kupperman share the same lawyers and because Bolton had made clear that he would testify if ordered to do so by a court.

Even though the case was put on an expedited docket, it would very likely drag out through the rest of the year. And the House doesn't have time to screw around with Kupperman and by proxy Bolton, particularly since they already have several State Department and National Security Council witnesses in pocket. So the House dropped the subpoena and moved to get the case dismissed, reasoning that the decision on Don McGahn's testimony, expected within a month, should cover Kupperman and Bolton. And although Bolton and Kupperman said they had no intention of being guided by McGahn's order, they were delighted to have the threat of congressional contempt removed.

But then, Mick Mulvaney tried to horn in and make it a threesome, just him, Kupperman and (on the DL) John Bolton. Bow Chicka Bow Bow! Reasoning that he was in an analogous position to Kupperman -- that is, stuck between Trump and the House -- Mulvaney tried to join the suit against his own beloved boss and Shifty Schiff. Which is an odd position, not least because Mulvaney and Bolton have always despised each other. But no one ever accused Mick Mulvaney of being a man of principle, so, there you have it.

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Class War

Oh Gee! Why Ever Would Arizona Payday Lenders Want To Ban Minimum Wage Increases?

Balls of steel, these people.

Some people have trouble advocating for what they want in life. They don't want to look pushy, or greedy — they don't want to inconvenience others.

Those people are not payday lenders in Arizona.

Well. Technically nobody's a payday lender in Arizona. The predatory practice has been illegal in the state since 2010, when the law allowing it to exist expired. In 2008, payday lenders got a proposition on the ballot to allow the practice to continue, and it was soundly defeated, 60-40. Since then, instead of payday loans, these creeps have switched over to "title loans," which is basically the same thing except that it means that poor people people put their car titles up as collateral for a short term, high interest loan — up to 204% APR.

This grossness pushed a group called Arizonans for Fair Lending to put a new measure on the ballot for 2020 — one that would place restrictions on this type of loan as well. And you might well guess what happened next!

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Media/Entertainment

Black White Nationalist Candace Owens Blames Obama For Inventing The Racism She Filed Lawsuits Over

Thanks, Obama!

Tomi Lahren's blackface performance art character, Candace Owens, appeared on "The Ingraham Angle" last night, and it was just a coupla white chicks sitting around talking about race and Pete Buttigieg. Mayor Lochinvar of the Democratic Party got in a spot of trouble the other day when he implied that Barack Obama was a big loser whose incompetence led to Donald Trump raining hell on the American people. Evan Halper at the Los Angeles Times later clarified that Buttigieg didn't actually call out the "failures of the Obama era" but instead decried the "failures of the old normal" like the dismissive "OK, Boomer!" Millennial he is. That's some pretty sloppy reporting there. But after the misquote's retraction, Buttigieg followed up with some nice words about Obama and everyone moved on.

Unfortunately, Laura Ingragam is both of evil and capable of simple inference. She thought there was “wisdom" in Buttigieg's criticism of Obama. She looked so happy when she put it together, like she was carving into a sous-vided baby cooked to perfect medium rare.

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2020 Congressional Elections

Maya Rockeymoore Cummings Running To Steal All Late Husband Elijah's Legislative Badass Awards

Ready set go!

Maya Rockeymoore Cummings, the widow of Elijah Cummings, announced yesterday she plans to run for the congressional seat he held before he died October 17. She told the Baltimore Sun in an interview that while she's devastated by losing her spouse, "his spirit is with me," and "I'm going to run this race and I'm going to run it hard, as if he's still right here by my side."

Just in case you missed the funeral service in Baltimore for Elijah Cummings, here's Maya Rockeymoore Cummings's moving farewell to her husband:

WATCH: Maya Rockeymoore-Cummings' full remembrance at her husband Rep. Elijah Cummings' funeral www.youtube.com

She's a hell of a speaker, and with her announcement, automatically became the frontrunner for the Seventh Congressional District seat. We like her!

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Russia

Tulsi Gabbard Sends List Of Demands To Hillary Clinton, READ THE TRANSCRIPT!11!!1!!1!1

Everybody is saying Tulsi's list of demands for Hillary Clinton is perfect.

On Monday, Tulsi Gabbard threw down the gauntlet in the Democratic primary that exists entirely in her mind, in which she is fighting Hillary Clinton to the death either for the Democratic nomination, or maybe for possession of a secret key that grants #InfinityPower to the person lucky enough to possess it. After Gabbard threw down said gauntlet, Hillary reportedly kind of looked at it and immediately went back to reading her book or making chili or giving a speech on children's healthcare, you know, whatever she was doing at the time.

Gabbard has sent Clinton A LETTER. And not just any letter! It is a LIST OF DEMANDS.

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News

Mick? The Knife. Wonkagenda for Tues., Nov. 12, 2019

Mulvaney gets embussened, the 2020 horse race, and Nikki Haley's truthiness. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Impeachment

How Are GOP Idiots Defending Trump's Ukraine Crimes Today?

None of them will say Trump's Ukraine call was perfect :(

Donald Trump is so mad right now. About all of it, obviously. He's getting impeached, he probably can't pick out which picture is "camel" the way he used to, everybody hates him, he gets booed at Veterans Day events, his oldest son has that face ... we can't think of a thing he has to be happy about, honestly.

But he's real mad that Republicans won't go out there and say his crime call with Ukraine was perfect, which is what he thinks about his extortion of the Ukrainian president. We imagine it's pretty hard for Republicans to say it was "perfect," since the partial transcript Trump released of the call is, prima facie, a crime spree.

Ayup!

Let's look at some of the new defenses the GOP has come up with the past few days for Trump's bribe-y crime call, and his much longer campaign to extort Ukraine into investigating his political rivals.

SPOILER, none of them are "it was a perfect call!"

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Culture

Fine Here Is Your Bloody Kurt Vonnegut For The Armistice. Pray For Peace.

Peace is impossible, so we'll settle for a traditional wish for peace.

It is November 11, 2019, and time again for our annual tribute to Kurt Vonnegut, who made us want to be a writer, and to his birthday, which this year falls on the 101st anniversary of the end of what was optimistically called the War to End All Wars. This is our eighth consecutive Kurt Vonnegut's birthday here at Wonkette, if you can believe that!

Of course, it is mandatory we begin properly, with the quote from Breakfast of Champions that we take down from the attic every year, because what's a tradition without the proper decorations?

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Ukraine

Chucklef*ck Lev Parnas Is Ready To Take It Off, Take It ALL OFF For Congress

They're fabulous, but ARE THEY REAL???

The Chucklefuckery continues! Last week, several news outlets reported that LEV PARNAS HAD FLIPPED!!!!1!! and would soon be starring as this season's Michael Cohen, a figure so utterly lacking in credibility that he could testify for fifty hours and the only person who wound up in jail was ... Michael Cohen. And while Lev Parnas may yet find himself rooming with Cohen in Otisville, it's clear that he hasn't "flipped" as much as he's flopping around like a fish in a net, trying desperately to get back in the water and swim far, far away.

After Parnas got his own lawyer, he realized that perhaps telling Congress to get fucked when you're facing multiple counts of campaign finance fraud and are smack in the middle of an impeachment investigation is probably not so smart. So, while he'll undoubtedly assert his Fifth Amendment right not to squeal on himself and may well invoke attorney-client privilege, he's no longer telling Congress to stick their stupid impeachment subpoena right up their SCIF. On second thought, he'd be only too delighted to accept their generous offer to come for a chat and bring his documents. Let's get that on the calendar!

And now his lawyer, Joseph Bondy, an experienced federal criminal practitioner, seems to be testing the water with a sample of what his client has to trade for the right offer. The New York Times has the juicy juice:

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Culture Wars

Some A**hole Keeps Hiding The 'Liberal' Books In An Idaho Library

It triggers the libs, so it's an excellent hobby.

In northern Idaho, some schmuck is going into the Coeur d'Alene Public Library, pulling books they think are too liberal off the shelf, and hiding them in other parts of the library. The story surfaced locally at the end of September, but it only made the New York Times today -- just a week or so after those brave county supervisors in Florida voted to protect library patrons from exposure to the digital version of the Times, because after all it's "fake news." Two stories make a trend, so with confidence, say we can: Begun the information war has.

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