Judge Orders DOJ To GTFO Of Trump's Rape We Mean Defamation Case

The earth is healing! Well, eventually. But in the meantime, please enjoy this delightful order from US District Judge Lewis Kaplan inviting the Justice Department to GTFO of E. Jean Carroll's defamation suit against our soon-to-be-ex president.

After the author went public with her story of being sexually assaulted by Trump in a department store decades ago, the president used his bully pulpit to call her a liar who was too ugly to rape.

"I'll say it with great respect: Number one, she's not my type. Number two, it never happened. It never happened, OK?" he said, adding in another interview that Carroll was "Totally lying. I don't know anything about her."

Carroll sued for defamation, and after six months of Trump ducking the process server and trying to assert some magical cloak of presidential immunity, the New York State court finally ordered him to submit to discovery, including handing over a DNA sample to be matched to male genetic material on the dress Carroll says she wore the day of the assault.

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Shiny Normal Things! What Is JOTUS Up To Today?

It's Thanksgiving Monday, and like you we are giving thanks that things will fucking slooooowly go back to not-trying-to-actively-murder-us. There will still be terrible people doing terrible things, but the most powerful man in the world won't be perpetrating (most of) them. So what is Joe Biden doing today?

He's appointing some folks!

Would you like a secretary of State who is neither an oil executive nor Mike Pompeo? Meet Antony Blinken! He's a (((globalist))) and we mean both of those things in the best possible ways! His stepfather was rescued from the camps by an American soldier who was the son of a slave. He's a longtime Biden advisor who helped craft the Iran Nuclear Deal (but also advised him to vote to authorize the war in Iraq). Still, superprogs like this Bernie Sanders foreign policy advisor say he's a solid dude.

Who else is into it? Just Grover.

Grover meets Deputy Secretary Tony Blinken to talk about refugees. www.youtube.com

And another appointment!

I mean, we'd all rather it was Jay Inslee, but he is busy stealing governor's races from some guy who for sure definitely won.

This lady, Avril Haines, will be Director of National Intelligence instead of yet another Devin Nunes thug:

Blah blah blah, senior counsel this and deputy CIA deputy that, but Haines "served in various roles including Senior Research Scholar at Columbia University; a Senior Fellow at the Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory; and a member of the National Commission on Military, National, and Public Service. Haines received her bachelor's degree in physics from the University of Chicago and a law degree from Georgetown University Law Center."

That's cool.

A UN Ambassador who is not Nikki Haley! (Or Ric Fucking Grenell.) Meet Linda Bloodworth Thomason just kidding it is Linda Thomas-Greenfield (but Bloodworth Thomason would be cool too).

Retired Ambassador Linda Thomas-Greenfield, a career diplomat, is returning to public service after retiring from a 35-year career with the U.S. Foreign Service in 2017. From 2013 to 2017 she served as the Assistant Secretary for the Bureau of African Affairs, where she led the bureau focused on the development and management of U.S. policy toward sub-Saharan Africa. Prior to this appointment, she served as Director General of the Foreign Service and Director of Human Resources (2012-2013), leading a team in charge of the State Department's 70,000-strong workforce.

Ambassador Thomas-Greenfield's distinguished Foreign Service career includes an ambassadorship to Liberia (2008-2012), and postings in Switzerland (at the U.S. Mission to the United Nations), Pakistan, Kenya, The Gambia, Nigeria, and Jamaica. In Washington, she served as Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary of the Bureau of African Affairs (2006-2008), and as Deputy Assistant Secretary of the Bureau of Population, Refugees and Migration (2004-2006).

Plus a shitload more stuff she did!

He talked to foreign leaders without yelling at them, seriously, remember when Trump's first calls with everyone but Putin were him being a steaming pile of shit?

He talked to New Zealand's Jacinda Ardernand didn't even scream at her.

The two leaders had a "positive and warm" phone call, Ardern said on Monday, and she had invited Biden to visit, saying: "He spoke of his fond memories of visiting New Zealand years ago. He was very pleased to be invited to come back here."
She said she had sensed Biden's desire to work constructively on trade and other matters of mutual interest such as climate change response. "We discussed Covid-19 and the president-elect spoke positively about New Zealand's response to the pandemic," the prime minister said.
"I offered to him and his team access to New Zealand health officials in order to share their experience on things we've learnt on our Covid-19 journey." New Zealand's response to the pandemic has been one of the most successful in the world in stark contrast to the situation in the US.

NO LIES DETECTED. Meanwhile, remember all the way back in the first horrifying Trump hours, when we got readouts of Trump's first calls with foreign leaders? Good, because we can't find the links to any of them.

This has been a post.

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Bunch Of Goddamn Lunatics Walking Around Saying They're The President's Lawyers

It was another wildass weekend in Rudyland, full of legal dropkicks, staff shakeups, Hugo Chavez and micropenises. That last one was courtesy of Trump campaign lawyer Jenna Ellis.

Because the president's lawyer is one classy broad. She and Jesus are, like, BFFs, and don't you forget it!

Frank Luntz had noted that Ellis had been a bit wide of the mark when she predicted victory in the Pennsylvania case after Rudy Giuliani charmed the robes off US District Judge Matthew Brann, tweeting, "You media morons are all laughing at @RudyGiuliani, but he appears to have already established a great rapport with the judge, who is currently offering recommendations on martini bars for Team Trump in open court."

Indeed, we were all laughing at Roodle Doodle, because his appearance in court on Tuesday was inexpressibly, cringingly terrible. Which is why Judge Brann dropkicked it and dismissed the case with prejudice on Saturday night.

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Shiny Normal Thing! Cory Booker & Friends Will Fix Decades Of Discrimination Against Black Farmers

Want yet another reason for Georgia to elect Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff to the Senate, so things can actually get done? Look no farther than this Mother Jones article on the Justice for Black Farmers Act, to be introduced in the Senate at the end of this month by Sen. Cory Booker (D-New Jersey) and cosponsors Elizabeth Warren and Kirsten Gillibrand. Nothing like three of our favorite 2020 presidential candidates getting together to correct a historic injustice. MoJo reporter Tom Philpott handily sums up the problem. Following the Civil War and the dismantling of Reconstruction, African-American farmers still managed to be a significant part of American agriculture, so the forces of white supremacy had to dismantle the gains Black farmers had made:

By the 1910s, nearly a million Black farmers, a seventh of the nation's total, owned 41.4 million acres of land, mostly in the South. That turned out to be a peak. Since then, due largely to lingering white supremacy and the racist machinations within the Department of Agriculture, the number of Black farmers has plunged by 98 percent. The remaining few managed to hold on to just 10 percent of that hard-won acreage.

Booker et al. are determined to set some of that straight with their bill, which aims at eliminating historic discrimination within the Department of Agriculture, shoring up existing Black family farms, and attracting new Black farmers to the business. Just think —Donald Trump tried to scare suburban white ladies with the prospect of Cory Booker moving in next door, while Booker was actually headed farther out of town.

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May You Smile As Brightly As Trump Smiles When He Sh*ts On Santa Claus To A Seven-Year-Old Girl

Ladies and gentlemen, we got us a sociopath.

Step with us into Obama's time machine back ten thousand years to Christmas 2018. Whoosh whoosh wavy lines! Trump was answering calls on the NORAD Santa tracker, which along with "scrubbing oil off rocks" is our favorite use of the military. Donna Rose called up that year (I think?) and thought she was talking to Santa Himself, shouting SANTA SANTA ARE YOU COMING TO MY HOUSE?, and dude on the other end (NOT DONALD TRUMP) was just seamless about it. It was really sweet!

Here are Donald Trump and his frowning wife, probably mad she had to do the FOCKING CHREESTMAS DECORATIONS for an ungrateful nation that did not appreciate her Fritz Lang aesthetic, answering calls about Santa.

At first Trump is unobjectionable, asking the seven-year-old girl on the line how old she is, and how school is going. He calls her honey, which I always find nice and not patriarchal. Would you demand Flo the waitress not call you honey? Well, you are wrong. Then, lest anyone think he is not a monster, he includes this:

"Are you still a believer in Santa, because at seven it's marginal right?" Donald Trump asks a seven-year-old on Christmas Eve.

I have not been able to get this out of my mind lately. Because I believe this — asking a girl who's calling to ask where Santa is and then telling her Santa is fake if she can pick up on the words coming out of his mouth — is the only time I've ever seen him genuinely smile.

Yes, a genuine smile, and a genuine laugh, because he's transgressing. If Trump's telephone pal gets what he's up to — she doesn't — she'll have a real bummer of a night. And he is delighting in it, reveling in flaunting it, and it's the only time I've ever seen him actually happy.

Here, for a counterexample, is how a person acts if he does not get off on making children cry:

Trump will be gone soon, and then he will die.

The end.


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History Facts

Need A Cosmic Reset? Learn From The Ancient Babylonians, And Slap The King!

Don't know what could have brought this to mind.

Once upon a time, archaeologists came across a Babylonian tablet describing a ceremony where the chief priest of Marduk slapped the king as hard as he could. If the king cried it was a blessing on the nation. I'm not saying I want to try out a god-king theocracy, but this "to restore cosmological order, slap the king" concept intrigues me. Let's explore!

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Celebrate Randy Quaid Day With Crazy Wizard Video You Didn't Know You Needed

Cousin Eddie has some Thoughts y'all!

Everybody's favorite one-term president had a rough time on the toilet this morning, so he did what every thoroughly defeated wanna-be autocrat has always done in such a situation, he retweeted Randy Quaid about a billion times. The Rat King is very concerned that Republicans aren't listening to the soul of their party, a documented and highly powerful WIZARD:

Now you might remember Randy Quaid from his breakaway hit, Being Arrested In Vermont As A Felony Fugitive (2015, People Of Vermont), but he is actually most famous for being actor Dennis Quaid's older, wiser, more wizardy brother. Hahaha, just kidding, he is REALLY most famous for his sublime representation of Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation 2: Eddie's Island Adventure (2003, NBC), and also Cousin Eddie in Vegas Vacation (1997, Warner Brothers), Cousin Eddie in Vacation (1983, National Lampoon), and Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation 1: The One That Doesn't Suck (1989, Warner Brothers). He was also in a couple other things, playing a drunk ex-pilot version of Cousin Eddie in Independence Day (1996, FOX), and an Amish version of Cousin Eddie in Kingpin (1996, MGM). He also recently starred in a Wonkette Post, What Are Tinfoil Hatters Saying About Coronavirus.

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