Senate A**hole Caucus Folds, Government Shutdown Averted!

Huzzay! After several days of Republican senators huffing and puffing and threatening to force a government shutdown over Joe Biden's vaccine mandates, the Senate last night passed a bill to temporarily fund the government for 11 weeks, meaning that government won't be furloughing "nonessential" employees or closing down any agency websites tonight at midnight. Heck, with climate change causing weirdly mild temperatures in much of the country, you might could even go camping in some national parks if you want. or at least they won't be shutting down.

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Don't Tell An Anti-Vaxxer To Go Eat Dirt, Because They WILL Take It Literally!

If we were worse people, we would all be millionaires right now. Billionaires, probably. Because if we have learned anything over this pandemic, it is that there is a frighteningly large segment of the population who will turn their noses up at anything an actual doctor says, but who will guzzle bleach no-questions-asked at the suggestion of some random Instagram person. Each time they come out with a new thing — colloidal silver, white oleander, bleach enemas — it seems like they have hit rock bottom, or should have. "Well, at least it can't get any more bizarre than this," you said to yourself, probably, when they were putting horse paste up their butts.

Oh how wrong you (probably) were. Because this whole damn time they were eating and bathing in "magic dirt." Go figure!

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LIVE BLOG: Partisan GOP SCOTUS Hacks Hear Arguments In 15-Week MS Abortion Ban

Today is a terrible day at the Supreme Court.

The nine justices, most of whom are partisan Republican hacks, and several of whose nominations and confirmations were entirely illegitimate, will hear oral arguments in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization, the case over whether Mississippi's 15-week abortion ban — and by extension all pre-viability bans — is constitutional. In other words, this is the case that could overturn Roe, or gut it beyond recognition.

So let's liveblog the terribleness together! For backgrounders and more analysis, check out SCOTUSblog and NPR and CNN and hey, if you're still bored after that, google it.

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Abortion

Madison Cawthorn Pretty Sure Ladies Are Just God's Holy Tupperware

For sperm. And babies.

Many women and others across this country are on the verge of losing their reproductive rights, a fact which has apparently just occurred to several liberal men who have been working in political journalism even longer than I have. It's a bad time. On top of that, we are headed towards an absolute minefield of people, mostly men, saying a whole lot of terrible, deeply cringe-inducing things about how very magical and wonderful it is for people to lose said rights.

This week, Madison Cawthorn did not disappoint. Speaking to Congress this week, the North Carolina congressman waxed what he clearly thought was poetic about abortion and pregnancy.

Cawthorn kicked his speech off with a ridiculous metaphor about a person taking a beautiful Polaroid of a landscape and waiting for it to develop, when some other person walks up and tears their precious photo into pieces, saying it wasn't a photo yet because it hadn't developed. You know, just like abortions, except not at all like abortions unless people are being forced by other people to have abortions, which would in fact be the exact opposite of reproductive choice.

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Crime

Parents Of Oxford Shooting Suspect Arrested While Innocently Hanging Out In Detroit Warehouse

Sure why not.

James and Jennifer Crumbley, the parents of Oxford shooting suspect Ethan Crumbley, were arrested and taken into custody after being apprehended in a warehouse late last night, following a tip-off from someone who saw their car and got a glimpse of Jennifer Crumbley. Both parents had briefly been considered fugitives by law enforcement after they refused to

They have both plead not guilty to four counts of involuntary manslaughter and are being held on $500,000 bond each.

If the couple is able to post bond, they will still be required to "wear a GPS tether and would only be allowed to attend work, court appearances, medical appointments and attorney meetings, so long as a schedule and proof of employment is given to pretrial services ahead of time."

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popular

Wonkette's Weekly Top Ten Is A Game Of Chess, But No One’s Taking This Queen Down

Come read what you may have missed!

Hello and happy weekend to you all!

Here is some inside baseball for you — we here at Wonkette sometimes get some fairly strange PR emails that have absolutely nothing to do with politics or anything we actually cover here. Or which are incredibly confused about what we cover here, like the time this lady spent two months sending me nauseating emails about her website's page on Jordan Peterson that she wanted me to backlink to, without even bothering to read the actual article she wanted her link in to see that it was not exactly a glowing review of this man.

Hey Robyn,    Did you clean your room? \ud83d\ude0e   Anyways.   I\u2019m Tamara from Vuibo com. We\u2019re a resource about the best possible resources in the world: books!   In fact, I saw you have a page on Jordan Peterson https://www.wonkette.com/jordan-peterson-shocked-shocked-to-find-that-anti-semitism-is-going-on-in-his-establishment   We\u2019re featuring books from some of the most prominent thinkers in the world, including Mr. Peterson. It\u2019s here if you want to check it out: https://vuibo.com/people/jordan-peterson   It features a whopping 660 book recommendations and counting!    I think it\u2019d be a great addition to your post.    Would you consider linking to it?

I finally gave up and emailed her back to inform her of this and helpfully suggested she try The Daily Stormer instead, to which she responded "Thanks for the recommendation Robyn Pinocchio ," a thing I haven't really heard much since elementary school. Professionalism!

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