As Walls Close In, Trump Vomits Out Several More Ridiculous Excuses For Stealing Documents

As with every single goddamn thing involving Donald Trump, the former president's theft of government documents is going to come down to one question: malevolent incompetence, or incompetent malevolence? Or, more precisely, to what degree the latest crime spree was motivated by corruption and/or sheer inability to understand that America's laws do actually apply to him. (Hat tip to Lawfare's Ben Wittes, who framed the issue perfectly back in 2017.)

Last night, Politico had an amazing piece on the chaos at the White House in the final frantic days when it finally dawned on them that losing the election by eight million votes meant they would literally have to hand over power. Unfair!

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Jared Book Bad

Let's be real here. We are never going to read Jared Kushner's book and neither are you, and we don't understand who at Broadside Books greenlit it or why. Who thought there was a constituency for a book by Jared Kushner? Democrats didn't want it. MAGA Republicans aren't really readers, and we're pretty sure none of them ever idolized Jared anyway. (A book where Don Jr. and Eric name each other's farts and then eat them, on the other hand? That would sell like hotcakes for the MAGA set, they should call it Let's Go Brandon.)

Anyway, thank Christ the New York Timessaw fit to print Dwight Garner's review of Jared's piece of crap, which is called Breaking History, and which Garner calls "soulless and very selective." At 492 pages, Garner describes it as "lengthy" and "it's a slog."

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Hold Up, Is Alaska About To Send A Democrat To Congress?

Alaska held its Rube Goldberg primary Tuesday, and Sen. Lisa Murkowski will advance to the November elections along with Donald Trump-backed crackpot Kelly Tshibaka, who considers the results “the first step in breaking the Murkowski monarchy’s grip on Alaska.” Yeah, OK, it’s true that Murkowski’s father is Frank Murkowski, a former senator and full-term-serving governor. However, Murkowski didn’t inherit her seat. She won it outright, even through a write-in campaign in 2010. Queen Elizabeth’s son couldn’t pull that off and it’s much easier to spell “Charles."

Murkowski is as independent as you get with the Republicans, not another fascist rubber stamp for Trump. She voted to convict Trump in his second annual impeachment and supported Interior Secretary Deb Haaland’s confirmation. She still finished (narrowly) ahead of Tshibaka by about three points. Democrat Patricia Chesbro and an as-yet-to-be-determined fourth candidate will also appear on the November Senate ballot. Instead of splitting the vote in Tshibaka’s favor, Alaska’s new ranked-choice voting system should likely ensure Murkowski holds her seat in the November election, but we can expect that Trump will waste more time attacking Murkowski, whom he’s called a “disloyal and very bad senator.”


Meet The Trump-Approved MAGA Stooge Who Thinks She Can Beat Alaska GOP Sen. Lisa Murkowski

Alaska GOP Senate Candidate Loon Thinks God Sent Her To ‘Subdue And Rule’ Some Fishes And Birds

Regrettably, we still have to think about Sarah Palin for a while longer. She also advanced to the November ballot along with Democrat Mary Peltola and Republican Nick Begich. The fourth-and-final spot is too close to call.

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Loser Trump Can't Find Real Lawyers Again

It is a game among lawyering types, to make fun of Donald Trump's bad lawyers. We have engaged in the practice at Wonkette before, probably very gently, as is our style. We hate to generalize — hate it — but nobody wants to work for a loser who incriminates himself every time he opens his mouth and also has a really poor reputation for paying his bills.

Everybody likes a challenge, but not that kind of challenge.

And here we are again, as Trump is easily in the most peril he's ever faced, where anybody can see that if this ends with indictments, he could be going away to prison for a very long time, or at least until he chokes while hurling some jailhouse ketchup at the wall.

The dream team of Washington Post reporters including Carol Leonnig, Josh Dawsey, Jaccqueline Alemany and all the others report on Trump's current inability to find a real damn lawyer yet again. They note that his current legal army is made up, in part, of a "Florida insurance lawyer who’s never had a federal case, a past general counsel for a parking garage company and a former host at far-right One America News." And it's funny because that fucking OAN idiot (Christina Bobb) and the parking garage lady (Alina Habba) are exactly who you keep seeing on TV, just babbling like a common OAN host and making insinuations about planted evidence and whatnot.

But it's not that Trump is so stupid that he thinks these are the good and smart and qualified lawyers that the grownups hire, though he does personally have a reputation for surrounding himself with the absolute stupidest people in the world and thinking he's hit the jackpot.

It's just that everybody is telling him to fuck off:

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Right Wing Extremism

Godly Christian Pastor Knows How Commie Biden-Voting CNN-Loving Abortion Whores Are Made

White Christians really aren't sending their best these days.

Here is a fuckbonkers hate preacher we don't think we've met here at Ye Olde Wonkette!

His name is Jonathan Shelley and he is some Dallas-area hick redneck who thinks the gays should be executed and LGBTQ+ people are child molesters and also they hate children and they "hate Baptists, they hate Christianity, and they hate God.” Specifically he's the pastor of the Stedfast Baptist Church in Watauga, Texas, which describes itself as an "independent fundamental King James Only Baptist church." If you know anything about fundamentalist Christians, that type of church is truly where brain cells go to die.

He once did a sermon where he celebrated a 75-year-old man who was run over and died during a Pride parade in Wilton Manors, Florida. "I just can’t wait until you just go to Hell" is a thing he's said about LGBT+ people.

He's got a weird fixation with gays, as so many white conservative Christian men do. It's like hey man, get a hobby, go hit a golf ball, learn how to cross-stitch your favorite Bible verses into warm homemade yarn underwear, read a book or something, Jesus fuckin' Christ, dude.

But these weirdos are just like GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY all the time, swear to God they think more about gay fucking than literally any gays, except maybe gay porn stars, who have a job to do and you literally should not go to their job and slap the dick out of their mouth, they are busy.

Anyway, here's your end of day video, which is Jonathan Shelley telling us wha' happens if you let your kids go to public school and never punish them like it says in Bible. Got a kid in public school? Get ready for a bunch of CNN and STDs!

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What Books Are We Burning Today? A Back To School Roundup!

Florida districts halt book purchases, Texas removes Bible, Anne Frank graphic novel.

Gosh, it seems like we just shared an awesome story of how the "parental rights" people are ruining public schools and making good teachers want to say the hell with it. But with schools reopening across the country in this year of the Big Hissy, we figure we may as well be prepared to bring you regular updates on the Republican war on public education. Put on your fireproof underpants and join us!

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2022 midterms

What's Mitch McConnell Saying About Taking Back The Senate Today?

Lowered expectations.

You heard it right here from his mouth:

It's a lot harder to gerrymander whole entire states to keep Black people and other Democratic-leaning constituencies from voting, we think is what we hear him saying.


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