Supreme Court To Trump: You Are So Screwed, Eventually!

Finally, it's here! At long last, the Supreme Court has issued a ruling in the Trump tax cases. Chief Justice John Roberts, Kegstand, and Gorsuch joined the four liberal justices in two 7-2 decisions. Hooray! We must have won, right?

Well ... that depends.

If your definition of a "win" is preserving a legal system where the president is not above the law, then yes, we won. If you were hoping that before the election we'd get to see whatever it is that Trump has been fighting so hard to keep hidden, not so much. On the plus side, Trump's chances of retaining the White House look worse by the day, and the court just enshrined protections for a future President Biden (God willing!) against harassment by a future Republican Congress (God forbid!). And that's a really fucking good thing!

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Trump Can't Always Get What He Wants, Not Even From Gorsuch And Kegstand :(

The Supreme Court just dropped its season finale rulings in the cases we had been most anticipating, on Donald Trump's taxes and financials, and we are going to call them WINS. Why? Well for one thing, because they are. Also, Trump seems to know he lost, because he sure is rage-screaming!

We screengrabbed this one because GOT CAIGHT is our new favorite presidential typo:

The full, reposted thread is here. There were also these:

You hate to see it.

However, don't pop the champagne just yet, because we probably won't be reading Trump's taxes and financials on the internet anytime soon, at least not before the election.

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Tucker Carlson Has 14 Words For Tammy Duckworth

Tucker Carlson devoted chunks of his Fox News Paranoia Hour Monday and Tuesday night to accusing Sen. Tammy Duckworth (D-Illinois) of all sorts of terrible things: hating America, wanting to tear down all statues of George Washington, and of course wanting to impose socialist totalitarianism, after which she'll no doubt take away your MyPillows, too. It's the usual bullshit from Carlson and Fox, but before we get into it, we really need to lay out a tasty truth sandwich for you, to make clear just how unhinged and substance-free Tucker's Two Nights Hate really was. Like, even less substantial than usual.

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When Trump And Fox News Love Each Other Very Much, Sometimes They Lie Down Together And ...

Yesterday was weird. (Evergreen statement!)

Donald Trump HEREBY ANNOUNCED early in the morning on Twitter that he was very mad at the CDC's recommendations for how schools across America should handle the question of reopening. This came after a Tuesday event when he was very insistent that the kids must go back to school NOW RIGHT NOW, and if a few kindergarten teachers keel over dead, well, they probably forgot to take their hydroxychloroquine that morning.

And then in the afternoon, unbelievably but not unbelievably, the CDC announced through Mike Pence — sure, why not! — that it would be changing its school reopening recs, to lighten them up and make sure the schools don't do anything CRAZY like stay closed, which could hurt Trump's chances at re-election. We guess the only thing worse than a kid dying of coronavirus is a kid who dies of coronavirus in a world where Donald Trump is not president.

It got us to wonderin', as we are wont to do, what might have happened in the 24 hours leading up to Pence's announcement and the CDC's abrupt change. Did the president read a new scholarly article that strongly suggested the CDC was overreacting? Yes, that's what happened, the president read something.

Or maybe he just watched a shitload of Fox News, like he always does.

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Conspiracy Theories

No, Wayfair's Industrial Storage Units Do Not Come With Bonus Mole Children

Also, no, actor Tom Hanks is not involved in the imaginary thing.

The Wayfair comms team must be having a hell of a day today today, as conspiracy theorists have launched a bizarre theory that the reason some industrial storage units for sale on their website are so expensive is because there are children inside of them.

SPOILER: There are not children inside of them.

This all started yesterday, when Reddit user PrincessPeach1987 posted a query to r/conspiracy wondering if it were possible that some very expensive storage units on Wayfair were a cover for a child trafficking operation. Just a normal question anyone would ask!

"Is it possible Wayfair involved in Human trafficking with their WFX Utility collection? Or are these just extremely overpriced cabinets? (Note the names of the cabinets) this makes me sick to my stomach if it's true :("

Since then, this stupid question by a random person on Reddit has morphed into an absolute fact for the tin foil hat brigade on Twitter, and — like any good game of telephone — it has taken on a life and mythology of its own. One which somehow involves actor Tom Hanks, because sure, why not.

The "evidence" here is that the storage cabinets by WFX Utility are very expensive, up to $15,000, and their product names are all female names. And yes, for most people that would be very flimsy evidence — or more accurately, absolutely zero evidence of anything. But these are internet conspiracy people and they'll believe pretty much anything.

Several of the believers even went so far as to look up whether or not girls with the same names as these cabinets lined up with girls who were missing. And because there really are so many children who go missing every year, they had some luck. Except one of the girls they believed was in one of these storage cabinets was no longer "missing." The very surprised girl did a video (not from a Wayfair storage unit) expressing her displeasure at a bunch of strangers on the internet claiming she was a part of a sex trafficking ring.

Said strangers were very mad at her for being so rude. After all, they were just concerned for her welfare and that maybe she was trapped in a very expensive storage cabinet being sold on

One even suggested that maybe she is a clone, because that's where we're at now with this crap. It is actually more plausible to someone that this girl is a clone than that they are wrong.

In reality, the exorbitant prices on the storage cabinets were not, as one might assume, a price glitch or a mistake (or a way of doing child sex trafficking), but rather the actual price of those storage cabinets. Wonkette reached out to Wayfair and they explained the situation:

There is, of course, no truth to these claims. The products in question are industrial grade cabinets that are accurately priced. Recognizing that the photos and descriptions provided by the supplier did not adequately explain the high price point, we temporarily removed the products from site to rename them and provide a more in-depth description and photos that accurately depict the product to clarify the price point.

Fair! I don't know how much industrial grade cabinets are supposed to cost, but according to a cachéd image of the listing, one of these units weighed 1200 lbs, which seems to justify the high price point.

You know what else costs $15,000? An Hermes Constance Long Wallet in crocodile leather. And you could not fit a mole child in there if you tried.

The thing I'm gonna have to point out here, however, is that these industrial storage units are also on sale. So in order to believe this is true, you would have to not only believe that $10-15K gets you a 1200 lb storage unit and a child sex slave ... but that they could not sell these things at full retail price, so they had to discount them. That just does not seem plausible.

What seems even less plausible is what they claim is Tom Hanks's role in all of this.

To give you some background, there is a girl on Twitter, Sara Ruth Ashcraft, who claims to have had recovered memories of her parents being involved in a several-thousand-year-old cult called the Hivites, who control the whole entire world. Naturally! One of her recovered memories is of being sold as a child sex slave to actor Tom Hanks at the age of 13. There's a lot that's wrong with this, starting with the fact that if her parents were involved with this world-controlling cult, they would probably be able to procure other children for the purpose of being sex robots to Hollywood celebrities, rather than having to brainwash their own. Like, were this a real thing, she would probably be a Hivite princess.

Oh! Also it's completely freaking bonkers and not at all true and it's actually very sad that so many people are encouraging this poor girl on the internet when she very clearly has some serious issues and needs help. Like the storage cabinets, it doesn't matter that there is no evidence for this outside of the recovered memories of one person, because people have accepted it as gospel and now every time Tom Hanks is mentioned on the internet, they go absolutely friggin' bonkers.

Anyway! Tom Hanks likes to tweet pictures of single gloves and other odd things he finds on the sidewalk, because he's whimsical like that. One time, he tweeted a picture of a glove on the street next to the initials "SRC USA." "This must mean something!" the geniuses decided, and one of them did an image search on a search engine called Yandex and posted the results, which showed a bunch of pictures of children — thus confirming, to these people, that Tom Hanks is involved in child sex trafficking. These things can never be doctored.

I did the same thing today and got this, which I suppose means that Tom Hanks is sex trafficking military guys and also American flags?

So one of these people looked up the sku number of one of the storage units and found that pictures of children come up, which to them signifies that this whole storage unit thing is a plot orchestrated by the star of Forrest Gump.

Clearly, these people will believe any story they are told and turn it into a whole mythology. I, for one, am still not over the fact that the basis of this whole conspiracy comes from people thinking "Eh, I'm not so sure that Italian people talk about food that much." We have to figure out a way to use this to our advantage. I don't know how, I don't know what, but we gotta come up with something. It's too easy.



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2020 presidential election

Trump's New Hampshire COVID Rally Postponed For, Uhhh, Weather, You Bet

Is it Point and Laugh Thirty already?

No Bareback Spitswappin' Covidpalooza for you, New Hampshire! The Trump campaign just canceled the rally scheduled for 8 o'clock tomorrow night in an airplane hangar in Portsmouth, so you'll just have to Netflix 'n' chill on Saturday night like the rest of us. Get it on, Granite Staters!

Kayleigh McEnany, who never lies, told reporters on Air Force One that the MAGA event was off because of a "big storm," while campaign comms director Tim Murtaugh said it would be postponed for "safety reasons because of Tropical Storm Fay."


Hey, Weather Channel, what's going on tomorrow in Portsmouth?

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Trump Hopes Whining About CAMPUS RADICALS Will Distract You For Five Minutes

Nope, COVID-19 and Black Lives Matter are still here.

With his poll numbers slumping, the COVID-19 pandemic getting worse, and most Americans agreeing that Black lives actually do matter, Donald Trump keeps trying to change the subject, since that's always worked for him before. We're generally skeptical of the idea that any given outrage from Trump is a distraction from some other issue, because EVERYTHING he's been doing forever has just been one outrage piled on another. But the pandemic and the marches against police brutality and institutional racism have continued, one because it's a deadly virus that refuses to be contained by the news cycle, and the other because millions of people are demanding change. So when Trump tries to parade another insane idea in front of us, our focus soon shifts — but not to whatever new steaming turd Trump is throwing. Instead, we can't ignore fundamental questions about how we're going to stay alive, both in a clinical sense, and in terms of reining in the institutionalized violence that truly is inherent in the system.

Trump gave it another shot today, with a pair of tweets threatening to remove tax exemptions from all schools and universities that are too darn radical:

Maybe Fox News and the Wingnuttosphere will spend a day or two recycling all the Tenured Radicals crap that's always gotten righties mad, going back to when Joe McCarthy still had a functioning liver. But we don't see this one having any staying power, given that the virus is still spreading, and now a number of states are considering reimposing various forms of lockdown to bring it under control.

After three years of Trump's Chaos Circus, we have two genuine crises on our hands and we're not inclined to look away, because too many lives are at stake.

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