Matt Gaetz Wrangles Invite To Doral, But Gets No Love From Daddy Trump :(

Poor, sad Matt Gaetz! After sticking his wayward weener in the wringer — and reportedly possibly several teenage women, ALLEGEDLY— he's been cast out of the Garden of Eden, with President P-Grabber's aides barring him from the royal presence.

Every paper in America has a story about Gaetz being investigated for paying very young women for sex, but allegations that he's on the outs with Trump seem to piss him off most of all. Politico and the Daily Beast both report being threatened by Gaetz's crack PR team for saying their client is persona non grata in Trumpland.

"We are seeking an immediate print and on-air statement of retraction. Failure to comply with this request may result in litigation," pro-Trump pundit Erin Elmore howled in an email to Politico. Her boss Harlan Hill, head of the Logan Circle Group, could be forgiven for thinking this might work, since he's clearly three babies stuffed in daddy's sport jacket. But Elmore, a former "Apprentice" contestant and IRL lawyer, should absolutely know better than to send such nonsensical threats.

Of course, DB and Politico ignored Elmore, going so far to publish excerpts of her gibberish. And now CNN has confirmed the story, adding even more hilarious detail, saying that Gaetz showed up at Doral this weekend hoping to get face time with his Real Daddy, only to find himself boxed out by aides.

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White Supremacists Had A Party And No One (Except Counterprotesters) Showed Up

This weekend, cities across the country braced themselves for what was supposed to be a rash of White Lives Matter rallies on Sunday. For a month, racists had planned these rallies on Telegram, in public chats and in private chats — well, chats they thought were private, anyway. We were supposed to be scared, like we were after Charlottesville, like we were after January 6.

It didn't quite work out that way. Instead, the majority of these rallies looked like this one in Albuquerque, New Mexico, with one lone Nazi carrying an "All Guns Matter" sign, being protected by police.

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President Lost Cause Lets RNC Pay 100 Grand To Hear Him Whine About Mitch McConnell

Donald Trump delivered an unhinged, grievance-filled speech (or more aptly a collection of words in semi-passable sentence form) Saturday night to a Republican National Committee gathering at his Mar-a-Lago lair. I don't enjoy talking about the former White House squatter or even using his name, but I am concerned that willfully ignoring him makes me like the leads in a horror film who stop considering the slasher killer an active threat just ten minutes before the credits: "No, we're quite sure it's fine now. Let's all relax."

The one-term loser is still out there spreading the Big Lie to a receptive audience. The RNC paid $100,000 for the honor of holding this event at Mar-a-Lago because the grift never ends with this guy. Republican donors expressed their discontent to the press, privately of course, because they're spineless cowards who still fear the tweet-less president.

Politico reports:

"It was horrible, it was long and negative," one attendee with a donor in the room tells Playbook. "It was dour. He didn't talk about the positive things that his administration has done."

Establishment Republicans are continually distraught that the bigotry, lies, and violent insurrection always distract from all the “positive things" the previous administration accomplished, but the reality is that it literally was just horrible, long, and negative. That's it. They keep hoping President Klan Robe will regale them about deregulation and tax cuts for billionaires like he's Paul Ryan. Instead, he tossed his prepared “boring" speech and riffed delusional nonsense for an hour.

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Michele Bachmann, Ted Cruz Real Mad John Boehner Said Those Mean True Things About Them

Former House Speaker John Boehner has written a memoir, On the House, about how much he hated that job and how everyone he worked with was an asshole. It's like Nicholas Pileggi's Wiseguys but with less admirable characters. He called former Rep. Michele Bachmann and Texas Senator Ted Cruz “lunatics," which isn't exactly revelatory. We've seen them talk on TV. Let's hope Boehner's memoir offers more compelling information, like which merlots pair best with failure and regret.

Boehner's trash talk hasn't gone unanswered, of course. Bachmann is real upset because when you insult her, you're actually insulting all Republicans. You remember when Hillary Clinton called the MAGA supporters burning crosses at rallies “deplorable" and the other Republicans warming themselves by the fire took offense? This is more of that classic conservative identity politics in action.

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Culture Wars

Oregon Secessionist Gets Meeting With Idaho Legislators On Goofball Plan For 'Greater Idaho'

Get real. Idaho can't be trusted with a coastline.

An Oregon dude who thinks it would make a lot of sense to peel off three-quarters of the state and hand it to Idaho actually held a meeting Monday with members of the Idaho House and Senate. Just about the best that can be said for the outcome was that the Idaho legislators seemed "intrigued but skeptical," as the Oregonian put it. It being Idaho, there's almost nothing too crazy our legislators won't entertain, from the existence of a vast conspiracy to fill rural Idaho with murderous jihadis to the perfectly sane proposition that "religious freedom" means parents should be allowed to let their kids die without any interference by Big Government.

The "Greater Idaho" proposal comes from a guy named Mike McCarter, who thinks there's no reason most of the land mass of Oregon should be subject to rule by the vast majority of the population, which tends to live in the northwest part of the state — Portland, Salem, Eugene, and environs. So why not move 22 counties from eastern and southern Oregon to Idaho, for great justice? Then later, maybe add in a few counties from southeast Washington and northern California, but with a NO HIPPIES ALLOWED sign.

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coronavirus

Why Even Vaccine If You Can’t Immediately French Kiss Everyone At Live Sporting Event?

We are so tired of hearing about ‘vaccine hesistancy.’

Federal health agencies have recommended a “pause" in usage of the one-and-done Johnson & Johnson vaccine after reports of potentially dangerous blood clots. Six recipients in the US developed the rare disorder two weeks after vaccination.

The New York Times reports:

All six recipients were women between the ages of 18 and 48. One woman died and a second woman in Nebraska has been hospitalized in critical condition.

Nearly seven million people in the United States have received Johnson & Johnson shots so far, and roughly nine million more doses have been shipped out to the states, according to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Officials with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention claim the pause is from an “abundance of caution." It's certainly concerning but it appears like appropriate precautions are taking place to ensure public safety. Even if a causal relationship is determined, the adverse effects seem rare. Nate Silver, who does math for a living, estimated it as “one blood clot death in 7,000,000 doses so far."

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White House

It's Psaki Ptuesday! With Dr. Pfauci!

Shut up, we love that joke.

That's our joke, and we're STICKIN' WITH IT.

White House press briefing, go!

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