(PSSST *Grandma* Wonkette's Pineapple Orange Cranberry Sauce Is Better, Actually)

For years now — seven at least, suckers — we have been making Aunt Wonkette's Real Cranberry Business. It's great! (Needs more sugar. Not Oprah-level four damn cups, but one would be nice.) But last year, we did not do that. We wanted pineapple, which we almost always have on hand ever since your comrade Vegan & Peeara or whatever she is named these days told us while we visited her in Charleston that pineapples are symbols of hospitality.

So fuck it, we did it live!

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The Days Of Black Friday Starting Thanksgiving Night Maybe Coming To An End (Thankfully)

Black Friday is rough.

As a former mall employee, I hate it with every fiber of my being. It's just a whole long horrible, unavoidable day of people screaming at you and making a mess and pulling you in different directions and asking you to do shit that is not your job and having to call security because someone left their baby with you to go shop at another store (true story!) while the same awful perky/weirdly depressing songs play over and over again on a loop. I swear to God I actually start to itch every time I hear "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses.

Lucky me, though, I was out before it got really bad. It was around a decade ago that stores, big box stores at least, started on their "Now we open at midnight on Thanksgiving!" shit, which swiftly morphed into "Now we open at 5pm on Thanksgiving!" shit, meaning that employees could not celebrate Thanksgiving with their families. For those of you who have never worked in that industry, most stores have "blackout dates" where you can't request any days off from a little before Thanksgiving to Christmas, so it's not as if the employees could say "Oh no thank you, I have plans."

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Conservative Hustlers Jonah Goldberg And Stephen Hayes SHOCKED To Find Dangerous Demagoguery At Fox Network

Jonah Goldberg is mad as hell, and he's not going to take it anymore. Because Fox News's streaming platform aired Tucker Carlson's insane propaganda special "Patriot Purge," Goldberg and his business partner Stephen Hayes have decided to purge themselves right out of Fox. On (belated) principle!

"I'm tempted just to quit Fox over this," Goldberg texted his fellow Fox contributor on October 27 when Carlson's turd dropped online.

"I'm game," Hayes replied, according to the New York Times. "Totally outrageous. It will lead to violence. Not sure how we can stay."

Slow clap for these brave patriots, who took this courageous stance a mere 11 months after a mob of deranged maniacs hopped up on Donald Trump's Big Lie tried to overthrow the government. Because obviously this is the first time Fox News has pushed alternate reality propaganda about January 6. Obviously.

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Rittenhouse Acquitted On Friday. New York Times Casually Normalizes Violent Right-Wing Militias By Sunday.

It's been a couple weeks since the New York Times published a total “what the fuck?" article, but in the aftermath of Kyle Rittenhouse's acquittal, the paper of record did not disappoint:


So yeah, “paramilitary groups" (or translated from Caucasian, “thuggish gangs") feel “vindicated" that a jury gave the thumbs up to a vigilante kill spree dressed up as self defense. That's not a shock, but the Times reports this as if it's perfectly sane and rational.

The first sign of trouble is this tweet from the Times account: "Kyle Rittenhouse's acquittal has reinvigorated support on the right for armed responses to racial justice protests." Someone not huffing the “both sides" paint fumes might instead write: “Kyle Rittenhouse's acquittal has emboldened rightwingers to show up at peaceful protests with assault rifles."

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A Continent To Despoil And Poison: Your William S. Burroughs Thanksgiving Prayer 2021

For John Dillinger, in hope he is still alive.

Yr Wonkette began posting this Thanksgiving Prayer by William S. Burroughs and Gus Van Sant back in 2006, and quite a few things have changed since then. The deadpan list of Bloody American Triumphs is more relevant than ever in this second Plague Year, and if Burroughs were with us today, he might look at his 1986 poem and wonder how he'd ever been such a starry-eyed optimist. Embrace the bleakness:


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Recipe Hub

It's A Bonus Wonkette Happy Hour, With A Thanksgiving Chocolate Martini!

Dessert first.

Greetings, Wonketteers! I'm Hooper, your bartender. I'm bringing you an alternative to pumpkin pie today, something sweeter than my normal cocktails. Let's make up some Chocolate Almond Martinis. Here's the recipe.

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Recipe Hub

This Real Recipe From Rush Limbaugh Has Jello, Stuffed Olives, And Miracle Whip In It

And that's what happened to Rush Limbaugh.

OK, sure, we made fun of Rush Limbaugh for putting saccharine in his hot cocoa recipe and frying a chicken in Crisco. But were we being fair? Not really. We finally saw The Help last night [four or seven or nine years ago, whenever] and according to Minnie, not only will Crisco soften your elbows but it is the Platonic Ideal for frying chicken. That thing was like a 2 hour and 30 minute Crisco commercial, with racism! We will buy a jar immediately! BUT. Did you happen to notice that thing above? It is a recipe from Rush's mom, as also discovered by the Crap Archivist, in "Recipes from Old Cape Girardieu."

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