What Books Are We Burning Today? A Back To School Roundup!

Gosh, it seems like we just shared an awesome story of how the "parental rights" people are ruining public schools and making good teachers want to say the hell with it. But with schools reopening across the country in this year of the Big Hissy, we figure we may as well be prepared to bring you regular updates on the Republican war on public education. Put on your fireproof underpants and join us!

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Georgia DA Fani Willis Did Not Come To Play With These Trifling Republicans

Shit is hitting the fan in Georgia, where Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis's investigation into Team Trump's efforts to steal the 2020 election is kicking into high gear.

Yesterday started with Rudy Giuliani testifying for six hours before a grand jury in Atlanta about his efforts to steal the the state's 16 electoral votes for Trump. It's not clear whether Rudy made a fulsome confession of his sins or took the Fifth, as a rational person might have done five days after being informed that he was a target of the investigation. But America's Mayor gabbled to reporters outside that he'd “satisfied his obligation," and his attorney Robert Costello told the AP that “Everyone was a lady or gentleman. Professional,” even boasting that DA Willis offered Giuliani and his lawyers warm greetings when it was over.

(Flashback to that time when Giuliani ate it in front of a Pennsylvania federal judge, only to have his trusty sidekick Jenna Ellis confidently predict victory because Hizzoner made cordial smalltalk about local restaurants after the hearing. Spoiler Alert: LOL.)

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As Walls Close In, Trump Vomits Out Several More Ridiculous Excuses For Stealing Documents

As with every single goddamn thing involving Donald Trump, the former president's theft of government documents is going to come down to one question: malevolent incompetence, or incompetent malevolence? Or, more precisely, to what degree the latest crime spree was motivated by corruption and/or sheer inability to understand that America's laws do actually apply to him. (Hat tip to Lawfare's Ben Wittes, who framed the issue perfectly back in 2017.)

Last night, Politico had an amazing piece on the chaos at the White House in the final frantic days when it finally dawned on them that losing the election by eight million votes meant they would literally have to hand over power. Unfair!

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Jared Book Bad

Let's be real here. We are never going to read Jared Kushner's book and neither are you, and we don't understand who at Broadside Books greenlit it or why. Who thought there was a constituency for a book by Jared Kushner? Democrats didn't want it. MAGA Republicans aren't really readers, and we're pretty sure none of them ever idolized Jared anyway. (A book where Don Jr. and Eric name each other's farts and then eat them, on the other hand? That would sell like hotcakes for the MAGA set, they should call it Let's Go Brandon.)

Anyway, thank Christ the New York Timessaw fit to print Dwight Garner's review of Jared's piece of crap, which is called Breaking History, and which Garner calls "soulless and very selective." At 492 pages, Garner describes it as "lengthy" and "it's a slog."

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Class War

Wait What's This About John Fetterman And $1 Houses?

Oh Dr. Oz, you scamp!

We know we haven't shut up about Dr. Oz, the Republican nominee for US Senate from the great state or whatever of Pennsylvania, but that is only because he won't stop winning.

THIS GUY! Dr. Oz Too Sleepy To Know What Grocery Stores, His Kids Are Called

Dr. Oz Fails Common 'How Many Houses Do You Own' Brain-Teaser, What A Stupid Dumbass

Even after John Fetterman, the nine-foot-tall linebacker who is the Democratic nominee and also lieutenant governor of Pennsylvania, had a stroke and was sidelined from the campaign trail for several months, he just abused Oz from the comfort of his awesome warehouse he bought for $2000 and fixed up all awesome, like we said, because he is a Gen X-y cool guy who understands about warehouses. (Formative Gen X experience: Jennifer Beals's warehouse in Flashdance. Also: Jennifer Beals eating lobster in Jennifer Beals's naked tuxedo bib in Flashdance.)

Dr. Oz Is The Sex Robot Candidate For Pennsylvania Senate

Very Serious Dr. Oz Ad Depicts John Fetterman’s Head As Groovy Party With Giant Bong, AOC Inside It


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Legal

Trump Lawyers Swallow Hard As Judge Orders FBI To Redact Affidavit For Publication

The dog is about to catch that car. Bigly.

Be careful what you wish for, kids, 'cuz ya just might get it! That's the lesson from yesterday's hearing before US Magistrate Judge Bruce Reinhart in West Palm Beach, Florida, regarding the affidavit underlying the search warrant for Mar-a-Lago.

Every media outlet in America plus Trump's pals at Judicial Watch sued to gain access to the document, which lays out the probable cause to search the property and seize evidence of criminal activity and is usually sealed until after an indictment is issued. Conservatives point to the very mistrust in government they themselves spent the past six years stoking as justification for the violation of every protocol that protects both ongoing investigations and the rights of innocent people who haven't been charged.


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Abortion

South Carolina SCOTUS Unanimously Blocks State's Abortion Ban While Waiting For Worser Abortion Ban

SC POTUS Henry McMaster vows to defend law.

On Wednesday, South Carolina's state Supreme Court temporarily blocked the state's six-week ban on abortions, voting unanimously to put the law on hold while the five justices consider the case. That means that at least while the case moves forward, the state returns to its previous law, which allows abortions up to 20 weeks of pregnancy.

Meanwhile, the South Carolina Legislature is working on a bill that would ban abortion altogether, so there's that. The law the state Supremes put on hold bans abortions once fetal cardiac activity is detectable. Supporters call it a "heartbeat bill" even though embryos' hearts haven't actually developed at that stage.

Gov. Henry McMaster and state Attorney General Alan Wilson, both Republicans (you had to ask?) vowed they'd keep defending the six-week abortion ban until the Lege passes that total abortion ban and they can start defending that. They and various other supporters of the ban issued the expected statements about how they're confident they'll prevail on behalf of life, and saving all the babies and the will of the people as expressed by the legislature and all that Federalist Society kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.

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