Donate

Senate's Dumbest GOP Idiot Wishes Whistleblower Had Just Kept Trump's Ukraine Crimes To Himself

We are getting a wee bit of whiplash right now, and it is Chuck Todd's fault, LOCK HIM UP! Just fooling! We do not want Chuckles The Todd to be lock him upped!

But ever since this whole Ukraine Trump impeachment business started, we never know which Chuck Todd we're going to get. The one that occasionally commits light acts of journalism, or the normal Chuck Todd who is idiot? Last time we addressed the subject, it was normal idiot Chuck Todd. This time it is light journalism Chuck Todd.

America's Dumbest GOP Senator Ron Johnson went on the "Meet the Press" show on Sunday. Chuck Todd has been mean to Johnson before, so maybe there's just something about that guy that makes Chuckles remember his job description. Johnson, of course, is right in the middle of the Trump Ukraine impeachment, having attended Volodymyr Zelenskiy's inauguration in Ukraine along with the Three Amigo idiots, as Marie Yovanovitch was being pushed onto a plane back to DC so Trump's folks could go on a crime spree. Months later, Johnson "winced" when he found out Trump was tying Ukraine's congressionally appropriated military aid to his demand for bullshit investigations of Joe Biden, but his "wincing" got better when Trump said "NO QUID PRO QUO!" -- because if Donald Trump says that, it must be true, according to Ron Johnson, who really is that stupid.

On this "Meet the Press" appearance, Todd generally (generally) pushed back appropriately, and for that he wins one (1) Snausage of his choosing. (No weird flavors, Chuck, we're not going to multiple Petcos for this.)

Keep reading... Show less

Know What This Trump Impeachment Needs? More Pay-To-Play Horsesh*t!

This Trump impeachment was boring and didn't feature near enough crimes Donald Trump has constantly accused Hillary Clinton of doing, when he was actually doing them himself. Dontcha think?

How about some PAY-TO-PLAY?

Trump's administration is notoriously understaffed, partially because it's damn near impossible to find competent people who actually want to work for him. (He's gotten lotsa incompetent right-wing judges confirmed, though!) And of the positions that are staffed, many are unqualified hacks like EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland, who donated a cool million to the Trump inaugural and somehow magically became the EU ambassador, which is an actual real job. (No offense to the Maldives or whatever, but some of these jobs are ceremonial and any idiot who may or may not be currently married to Newt Gingrich can do them. It's actually normal for some of those positions to go to donors.)

CBS News reports that it may have discovered an actual pay-to-play scandal, where a Trump idiot donated a lot of money maybe in exchange for the ambassadorship to the Bahamas.

Keep reading... Show less

President Coronary Thrombosis Perfectly Healthy, Just Likes Making Surprise Hospital Visits

Did the president have a heart attack this weekend? We should know enough not to expect a straight answer. Donald Trump made an unscheduled trip Saturday to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland. Sources reportedly told Andrew Vernon, a contributor to The Hill, that Trump was being examined for chest pain. That seems a more likely explanation than what part time White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham offered us. She said in a statement that Trump had some down time so he proactively went to the hospital to have his oil changed.

GRISHAM: Anticipating a very busy 2020, the President is taking advantage of a free weekend here in Washington, D.C., to begin portions of his routine annual physical exam at Walter Reed.

That's hard to believe even if the White House or the press secretary had any credibility. Trump is lazy. He's not someone who gets a jump on things. He's not my wife (thank God). Grisham implies that Trump's weekends are otherwise jam-packed with work, but he usually plays golf like a retired person with no interesting hobbies. He watched The Joker Saturday night, and that seems more like how Trump would spend all his non-crime-related free time. I just don't believe he would voluntarily go to a doctor unless he was in serious discomfort.

Keep reading... Show less

Witness Confirms Gordon Sondland A GODDAMN IDIOT

Why the hell did Gordon Sondland ever agree to testify before Congress? Was there some moment back in October when he thought to himself, "Sure, three State Department employees overheard me assure Trump that Zelenskiy would do 'all the investigations' because 'he loves your ass,' but I can just deny it when I testify and it will all be cool?" Because there was no version of events where Sondland could tell the truth and have it be okay. There was only perjury-trapping himself like a common Roger Stone, or SHUTTING THE HELL UP. Which he could easily have done, since half the executive branch already told Congress to get bent and lived to derp another day.

Instead, Sondland went in and told a whole passel of half-truths (we are kind on a Monday!) about stupid shit he did in front of dozens of witnesses, after marching through Europe cheerfully announcing to anyone who would listen that he was on a mission from the president to subvert American foreign policy to support his re-election campaign.

WHYYYYYYY?????

After an exhaustive examination of the record, we have arrived at the only possible explanation: Gordon Sondland is A IDIOT. There is unanimous agreement on this point among all the impeachment witnesses, most recently David Holmes, the political counselor at our Ukrainian embassy, who described for House investigators Friday how they got saddled with Ambassador Buttinsky:

Keep reading... Show less
Impeachment

WTF With Impeachment This Week And Like Such As? Let Us 'Splain You Easy!

The revolution will be liveblogged.

Get ready, y'all, we are in for a WEEK in the impeachment inquiry of Donald J. Trump.

In case you've been wondering, ABC News/Ipsos did some polling this weekend on where people are after the first two big hearings, and we can report that everybody in America is on this plane right now, watching Marie Yovanovitch testify and going "Holy shitballs, this woman is incredible."

Just kidding! That is not what the poll says, and not least because it is unsafe to poll people when their trays are not in their upright positions!

Um anyway, what were we saying before we made that stupid and pointless joke? Oh yeah, POLL.

Keep reading... Show less
Impeachment

House Impeachment Investigators To Solve Ancient Mystery Of 'Is Trump Liar?'

OK, it's a bit more specific than that, but ...

BREAKING NEWS THAT IS BREAKING! The House impeachment investigators have decided to add another 'vestigation to their pile of 'vestigations, and it is whether or not Donald Trump is a liar.

BREAKING NEWS THAT IS MORE BREAKING THAN THE LAST BREAKING NEWS! The House is all finished! Trump is definitely a big liar!

OK, we are being silly, but one thing Rick Gates's testimony at the Roger Stone trial taught us that we didn't know already (read: did know already) is that Trump lied to Robert Mueller in his written answers. House attorney Douglas Letter told the DC Court of Appeals today, in the case over whether the House is entitled to the grand jury information from the Mueller Report, that the House impeachment inquiry is specifically looking at whether Trump was lying when he told Mueller in a number of his responses that he does not "recall" or have "recollection" of having foreknowledge of upcoming releases from WikiLeaks. He specifically said he does not "recall" having any such conversations with Roger Stone. It's been clear for quite a while that Trump absolutely did have foreknowledge, and testimony from Roger Stone's trial just firms that up.

Keep reading... Show less
Trump impeachment hearings

The GOP Has Found Its Star Witness*

*Star witness will confirm all prior testimony and call it alarming but refuse to call it 'illegal' per se.

Republicans have seized on a rare piece of good news. National Security Council Senior Director Tim Morrison, a former House GOP staffer, testified that Donald Trump's shakedown call with President Zelenskiy was not, in his opinion, ILLEGAL. So NO IMPEACHMENT, pack it in Shifty Schiff, Witch Huntghazi is DUNZO!!!!1!! Plus Morrison threw some dirt on Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman and Fiona Hill, so hey BONUS!

Sure Morrison hotfooted it directly to NSC lawyer John Eisenberg directly after the president's perfect, perfect July 25 phone call, but that was only because he was worried about it leaking. Not because he was alarmed that Trump was extorting a foreign head of state to frame his likely electoral opponent, of course, but because he was "concerned about how the Ukrainians would internalize that" and worried that "politicizing Ukraine" would "cost bipartisan support" for that country.

Keep reading... Show less
2020 presidential election

2020 Dems All Socialist, Except The Ones Who Are Only A Little Socialist

And John Delaney, too!

The Washington Post has published a handy guide to the 2020 Democratic candidates and their positions on a whole bunch of economic/social justice questions. It's a nice little tool you may want to bookmark in case you find yourself wondering where the candidates are on particular questions, like cancelling student loan debt. Bernie Sanders says cancel it all, while others (Michael Bennet, Cory Booker, Julián Castro, Elizabeth Warren, and Marianne Williamson) would cancel debt based on various income levels. The rest want to take other action on student loan debt; notably, not a single one of them says the existing system is fair or just. Oh, and Andrew Yang would issue debt forgiveness based on number of automated looms the borrower is able to smash with a wooden shoe.

Also, Joe Sestak is included, for shits and giggles. So is Steve Bullock, which is the most visibility he's had in months.

Keep reading... Show less
Trump

Lowlife Criminal President Trump Pardons Lowlife War Criminals

Let's hope Bill Cosby isn't next.

Donald Trump has a soft spot for criminals, and he apparently likes vicious psychopaths most of all. He used his vast presidential powers of corruption Friday to clear three armed services members who'd been convicted or accused of war crimes. The evidence of wrongdoing against all three men was far more compelling than whatever convinced Trump of the Central Park Five's guilt.

The president pardoned Maj. Mathew L. Golsteyn, whom the Army charged in December with the premeditated murder of an Afghan man. Golsteyn confessed to the 2010 shooting. He thought the man might be a terrorist bomb maker and might kill other people if he didn't kill him first. Trump didn't bother to wait for Golsteyn to stand trial, because he doesn't believe God created white men to sit around in a courtroom dealing with juries. He whined last month on Twitter that "we train our boys to be killing machines, then prosecute them when they kill!" That's why we almost feel sorry for John Malkovich's character from In the Line of Fire, but it has crap all to do with real life and actual military engagement.

Trump also reversed the demotion of Chief Petty Officer Edward Gallagher. This asshole was already found not guilty in July of the first degree murder of an ISIS prisoner and the attempted murder of civilians. Members of his own unit testified that Gallagher fired rockets randomly into civilian neighborhoods in Afghanistan, murdered an old man and a little girl with sniper fire, and stabbed a teenage detainee to death. This was pretty damning, but the defense appealed to the generation gap.

Prosecutors held [Gallagher's accusers] up as courageous whistle-blowers who broke the SEAL code of silence to stop a rogue chief who was on a track to higher leadership positions. The defense painted the accusers as scared and entitled millennials who could not meet their chief's high expectations, and fabricated war-crimes allegations to take him down.

OK, boomer, but Gallagher was convicted of posing for photos with the teenage prisoner's dead body. He admitted to this, and while ghoulish, it unfortunately lacked the "pizzazz" of confessing to ordering a "code red." He barely received a slap on the wrist. The commander in chief did congratulate him for legal victory, as if Gallagher had won the reality competition show "Who Wants To Get Away With War Crimes?"

Keep reading... Show less
Impeachment

Senate's Dumbest GOP Idiot Wishes Whistleblower Had Just Kept Trump's Ukraine Crimes To Himself

If the whistleblower didn't tell everybody about the crimes, nobody would know about the crimes!

We are getting a wee bit of whiplash right now, and it is Chuck Todd's fault, LOCK HIM UP! Just fooling! We do not want Chuckles The Todd to be lock him upped!

But ever since this whole Ukraine Trump impeachment business started, we never know which Chuck Todd we're going to get. The one that occasionally commits light acts of journalism, or the normal Chuck Todd who is idiot? Last time we addressed the subject, it was normal idiot Chuck Todd. This time it is light journalism Chuck Todd.

America's Dumbest GOP Senator Ron Johnson went on the "Meet the Press" show on Sunday. Chuck Todd has been mean to Johnson before, so maybe there's just something about that guy that makes Chuckles remember his job description. Johnson, of course, is right in the middle of the Trump Ukraine impeachment, having attended Volodymyr Zelenskiy's inauguration in Ukraine along with the Three Amigo idiots, as Marie Yovanovitch was being pushed onto a plane back to DC so Trump's folks could go on a crime spree. Months later, Johnson "winced" when he found out Trump was tying Ukraine's congressionally appropriated military aid to his demand for bullshit investigations of Joe Biden, but his "wincing" got better when Trump said "NO QUID PRO QUO!" -- because if Donald Trump says that, it must be true, according to Ron Johnson, who really is that stupid.

On this "Meet the Press" appearance, Todd generally (generally) pushed back appropriately, and for that he wins one (1) Snausage of his choosing. (No weird flavors, Chuck, we're not going to multiple Petcos for this.)

Keep reading... Show less
Healthcare

But How You Gonna PAAAAASSSS Medicare For All, Elizabeth Warren?

It's either a smart, practical transition plan or a complete betrayal of everything honest and good. We love primary season.

Over the weekend, Elizabeth Warren released her plan for transitioning to Medicare for All. It's a not-inconsiderable prospect, since America doesn't so much have a healthcare "system" now as it has a messy, incomplete patchwork of public and private providers and payment systems that leaves tens of millions of us with inadequate care, or no healthcare at all. (GoFundMe is not a healthcare system.) Warren's proposal lays out a two-stage roadmap for getting to single-payer: Phase in a very strong "public option" (including government-paid coverage for all children and low-income folks) first, then as people realize there aren't any death panels and Republicans are still lying to them, switch over to a true single-payer healthcare system like other industrialized countries have.

As Dylan Scott notes at Vox, the plan makes a "tacit concession" to where primary voters seem to be at the moment: They like the idea of single-payer, but they're also scared of remaking healthcare all at once. Fine, this plan says: Dip a toe in, and you'll see this works. The plan she suggests has M4A as the goal, but this transition allows her to put forward a package she can "argue is more likely to actually pass 18 months from now." Let's take a nice Policy Dive!

Keep reading... Show less
News

Know What This Trump Impeachment Needs? More Pay-To-Play Horsesh*t!

How many crimes are these people committing at any given time? It is a miraculous wonder!

This Trump impeachment was boring and didn't feature near enough crimes Donald Trump has constantly accused Hillary Clinton of doing, when he was actually doing them himself. Dontcha think?

How about some PAY-TO-PLAY?

Trump's administration is notoriously understaffed, partially because it's damn near impossible to find competent people who actually want to work for him. (He's gotten lotsa incompetent right-wing judges confirmed, though!) And of the positions that are staffed, many are unqualified hacks like EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland, who donated a cool million to the Trump inaugural and somehow magically became the EU ambassador, which is an actual real job. (No offense to the Maldives or whatever, but some of these jobs are ceremonial and any idiot who may or may not be currently married to Newt Gingrich can do them. It's actually normal for some of those positions to go to donors.)

CBS News reports that it may have discovered an actual pay-to-play scandal, where a Trump idiot donated a lot of money maybe in exchange for the ambassadorship to the Bahamas.

Keep reading... Show less
Trump

President Coronary Thrombosis Perfectly Healthy, Just Likes Making Surprise Hospital Visits

Don't go wishing for Trump's death in the comments, please. Even though.

Did the president have a heart attack this weekend? We should know enough not to expect a straight answer. Donald Trump made an unscheduled trip Saturday to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland. Sources reportedly told Andrew Vernon, a contributor to The Hill, that Trump was being examined for chest pain. That seems a more likely explanation than what part time White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham offered us. She said in a statement that Trump had some down time so he proactively went to the hospital to have his oil changed.

GRISHAM: Anticipating a very busy 2020, the President is taking advantage of a free weekend here in Washington, D.C., to begin portions of his routine annual physical exam at Walter Reed.

That's hard to believe even if the White House or the press secretary had any credibility. Trump is lazy. He's not someone who gets a jump on things. He's not my wife (thank God). Grisham implies that Trump's weekends are otherwise jam-packed with work, but he usually plays golf like a retired person with no interesting hobbies. He watched The Joker Saturday night, and that seems more like how Trump would spend all his non-crime-related free time. I just don't believe he would voluntarily go to a doctor unless he was in serious discomfort.

Keep reading... Show less
Ukraine

Witness Confirms Gordon Sondland A GODDAMN IDIOT

Not allegedly.

Why the hell did Gordon Sondland ever agree to testify before Congress? Was there some moment back in October when he thought to himself, "Sure, three State Department employees overheard me assure Trump that Zelenskiy would do 'all the investigations' because 'he loves your ass,' but I can just deny it when I testify and it will all be cool?" Because there was no version of events where Sondland could tell the truth and have it be okay. There was only perjury-trapping himself like a common Roger Stone, or SHUTTING THE HELL UP. Which he could easily have done, since half the executive branch already told Congress to get bent and lived to derp another day.

Instead, Sondland went in and told a whole passel of half-truths (we are kind on a Monday!) about stupid shit he did in front of dozens of witnesses, after marching through Europe cheerfully announcing to anyone who would listen that he was on a mission from the president to subvert American foreign policy to support his re-election campaign.

WHYYYYYYY?????

After an exhaustive examination of the record, we have arrived at the only possible explanation: Gordon Sondland is A IDIOT. There is unanimous agreement on this point among all the impeachment witnesses, most recently David Holmes, the political counselor at our Ukrainian embassy, who described for House investigators Friday how they got saddled with Ambassador Buttinsky:

Keep reading... Show less
Impeachment

'Pardoning Murderers Is Good For Morale,' And Other GOP Hot Takes!

It's Your Sunday Show Rundown!

After a grueling week for the GOP that included devastating testimony about Donald Trump's impeachable crimes, and also a very embarrassing loss in the Louisiana gubernatorial election, it was time to try to spin a new narrative ahead of a new week. What we got instead was stupidity at every level of the GOP congressional ladder, as demonstrated on this week's Sunday shows, which we watch so you don't have to.

Keep reading... Show less
News

All That Junk Inside Trump's Trunk. Wonkagenda For Nov. 18, 2019

Evidence piles up, Pelosi's lesson in Latin, and Larry Summers says eat the rich. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Nice Time

Yr Wonkette Has A Three-Month Stockpile Of Nice Things

Happily, no need for rationing!

Switzerland ignited a very civilized -- if somewhat jittery -- outcry last week over its decision to stop stockpiling coffee beans as part of a century-old program to make sure that basic essentials of life can be made available to all Swiss folks in case of an emergency. Smithsonian magazine explains:

In the wake of World War I, Switzerland's government decided to stockpile enough essential items to sustain the country's citizens for three months. If the landlocked country faced severe shortages, the plan's creators reasoned, its residents would be able to survive on the rations. Today, writes BBC News' Imogen Foulkes, the list of staples earmarked for stockpiling includes fuel, fresh water, animal feed, medicine, sugar, flour, cooking oil, rice and—to the great satisfaction of Switzerland's caffeine-loving population—15,000 tons of coffee.

The Swiss government noticed that coffee has no real nutritional value, but came to the erroneous conclusion that means it's not an essential of life. Swiss people respectfully disagreed, and if they hadn't had their morning coffee, may have been somewhat less respectful. The government is now reconsidering the decision. Especially since a lack of coffee may constitute an emergency in itself.

Along similar lines, we would like to think that in these Hell Times, a regular supply of cat pictures, please, and other fluff may seem easy to dismiss, but nonetheless necessary for mental health. Or at least a welcome reminder that even in the deepening gloom, your dog is finally getting enough cheese.

Keep reading... Show less
Politics

Trump Re-Elects Democrat John Bel Edwards Governor Of Louisiana, Is There Nothing He Can't Do??

Truly, it is amazing.

Earlier this week, Donald Trump went to Louisiana to campaign for Republican Gubernatorial Candidate Eddie Rispone and to beg his supporters in the state to "give him a big win," on account of how it really hurt his feelings when everyone said that Democrat Andy Beshear beating Republican Matt Bevin in Kentucky was a big loss for him, even though, he claimed, his campaigning for Bevin led to him doing better than he would have otherwise. So really, it was a WIN, but the media won't tell you that.

Alas, he did not get his "big win." Last night, Democratic Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards won his re-election bid 51% to 49% against Rispone — a man who, as far as anyone can tell, was running on being a "Republican outsider and businessman" and nothing else. To be fair, Bel Edwards hates abortion, loves the Second Amendment and is happy to work with Trump, so it is hard to imagine what a Republican challenger could even do or say to differentiate themselves.

Keep reading... Show less
Politics

Nate Silver Unclear As To Why Democrats Are Acting Like Their Ideas Are Good Or Something

Self-doubt is a prelude to disaster, bitches.

There is a certain kind of wisdom, long held by a certain type of Democrat, that the true path to victory is pretending as though all left-of-center ideas are vegetables that must be disguised as something other than vegetables to get people to eat them. I call this the Vegetti Principle.

Republicans do not abide by this principle. They will go right out there, push for the most extreme and horrifying thing they can think of and insist, whether or not it is actually the case, that it is what the people want. They sell the things they want and they sell them hard. The vast majority of people in this country want background checks, but you will never, ever hear a Republican say that out loud. You will never hear a Republican go "Oh gosh, maybe we should temper our position on gun control a little so we don't scare the people who want background checks!" You will never hear them say "Hmm... but it seems like women don't actually want to lose their reproductive rights!" Hell no. They go out there and start accusing us all of murdering perfectly healthy babies while we are giving birth to them, for funsies. They don't say "Oh, it seems like a lot of people are very supportive of trans rights," they say "They're going to molest your children in the bathroom!"

You will, however, hear Democrats going "Well maybe we need to concede to the Right a little more on gun control and abortion and trans rights and that's how we'll win! They'll be soooooooo grateful when they see how reasonable we are! Surely, people with conservative views in these areas will vote for us instead of the real thing. For reasons!"

Keep reading... Show less
Legal

Texas To Hold Off On Executing Potentially Innocent Man

Rodney Reed argues that police have the evidence that could prove him innocent.

Rodney Reed has been on death row for two decades. The entire time, he has proclaimed his innocence. More than that, he has argued that police already have the evidence that could prove his innocence. And yet, he remains on death row and the evidence remains untested.

Yesterday, two very unusual things happened. First, the Texas Board of Pardons and Paroles unanimously recommended Texas Governor Greg Abbott stop the execution. And then, amazingly, the Texas Criminal Court of Appeals issued an indefinite stay of execution and sent Reed's case back down to the lower courts.

Keep reading... Show less
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)