LIVE: Real Capitol Terrorist Attack Investigation Begins, No Jim Jordans Allowed

It begins! Finally! A real congressional investigation into what happened on January 6, when Donald Trump incited his followers to commit an act of terrorism against the US Capitol in an attempt to steal an election he lost. We're sure House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy would like us to talk a lot about the CONTROVERSY that's led up to this day, and about how SOME SAY it won't even be a fair investigation, because there aren't an adequate number of people on the select committee who are on the terrorists' side. Not doing that.

The Democrats on the committee and the two Republicans Speaker Nancy Pelosi managed to find who don't believe in sedition — Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger — will begin shortly. Cheney will give an opening statement, as will Democratic Rep. Bennie Thompson. Then we'll hear from four of the cops who protected members of Congress that day, including Michael Fanone, with whom Wonkette readers have gotten pretty familiar.

Politico Playbook has an excerpt, which itself includes an excerpt of Democratic Rep. Bennie Thompson's op-ed in the Washington Post:

Uniformed police officers who put their lives on the line to defend Congress on Jan. 6 will testify about the horrors they endured that day. Rep. BENNIE THOMPSON (D-Miss.), the chair of the panel, previews their stories in a WaPo op-ed: "[Metropolitan Police officer MICHAEL] FANONE voluntarily rushed to the Capitol … [then] suffered a traumatic brain injury and a heart attack … [MPD officer DANIEL] HODGES can be seen being crushed by the mob as he and his fellow officers sought to defend a narrow hallway leading to a Capitol entrance … [U.S. Capitol Police officer HARRY] DUNN was one of the first officers to speak publicly about … the racial epithets he and others faced. [USCP officer AQUILINO] GONELL, a veteran who had been deployed to Iraq … was beaten with a pole carrying an American flag."

— Their testimony alone is a public relations disaster for Republicans. The GOP likes to boast that they "back the blue" and are the party of "law and order." But in snuffing out the possibility of a nonpartisan commission to probe the Jan. 6 attacks, McCarthy effectively brushed aside pleas from law enforcement to authorize the investigation. Now, after pulling out from the select committee, Republicans (save for Cheney and Kinzinger) will be absent as the officers speak.

Should be a fascinating and revelatory day. And Wonkette will be liveblogging it, as we will be doing for subsequent hearings.

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Trump Heads To Arizona To Scream ROUTER! And Destroy State's GOP

It's shaping up to be a Hot Router Summer in Wingnuttistan after King Wing learned a new word. Here he is trying it out 11 times in 36 seconds at a rally this weekend in Phoenix, Arizona.

The county has, for whatever reason, refused to produce the network ROUTERS. We want the ROUTERS, sonny. Wendy, we gotta get those ROUTERS, please. ROUTERS! Come on, Kelly, we can get those ROUTERS. Those ROUTERS, you know what? It was so beyond the ROUTERS, there's so many fraudulent votes without the ROUTERS. But if you got those ROUTERS, what that will show! And they don't want to give up the ROUTERS. They don't want to give 'em. They are fighting like hell. Why are these commissioners fighting not to give the ROUTERS? How simple could it be? That will tell the truth.

Let's go with ... both.

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JD Vance, Married A-Hole ... With Children

Ohio GOP Senate candidate JD Vance has not only embraced Donald Trump but he's apparently adopted Dear Leader's campaign style of suggesting things so patently absurd (e.g. the Muslim ban) that the media feels obligated to treat them seriously, rather than just pointing and laughing.

Friday, during a conference hosted by the Intercollegiate Studies Institute, Vance attacked Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and other members of the so-called “childless left," whom he blames for everyone's problems, perhaps including why he always looks constipated when he speaks.

"Why is this just a normal fact of … life, for the leaders of our country to be people who don't have a personal and direct stake in it via their own offspring?" Vance asked Friday at an Alexandria, Va. conference hosted by the Intercollegiate Studies Institute[.]

It's obviously tacky and gross to directly link a politician's ability to serve their constituents with their personal family planning. Of course, Republicans are the tacky and gross party. Vance is simply signaling for the MAGA crowd. We're not going to bother linking to data confirming that Democrats also have kids. Unlike the GOP's 2016 “Don't Vote For The Woman" platform, Vance's bigoted remarks aren't even based on a true premise. President Joe Biden, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer are all parents, and they have enough stories about their grandchildren to bore all of us in conversation.

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Will You MAGA Babies Get Vaccinated Already?

Florida is a hot mess of COVID-19. The state leads the nation in recorded cases, and hospitalizations are increasing at the fastest rate since the start of the pandemic. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), Florida accounts for one in five new infections in the United States, with 67,413 cases just in the past week. That's 314 cases per 100,000 residents. The weekly total has quadrupled since July 1.

Epidemiologists attribute this dumpster fire to various factors. The highly contagious Delta variant of the coronavirus is spreading, and Floridians, who are spending more time indoors as the temperature rises, have mostly abandoned mask-wearing and social distancing. Meanwhile, just 48 percent of the state is fully vaccinated.

"All of those things together are a recipe for the data that we're seeing," said Jason Salemi, an epidemiologist at the University of South Florida. "It's a cause for concern...the speed with which the indicators are going up."

Florida GOP Governor Ron DeSantis is obviously doing a heckuva job.

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Conspiracy theories

Oh No, Devil Sent Dr. Fauci To Do Dreadful Things To Jesus's 'Seed'!

This is a news post.

Wonkette doesn't spend enough time checking on "Coach" Dave Daubenmire, that anti-abortion anti-gay anti-everything nutbag. (We put quotes around "coach" for a reason.) This clownass thinks he's so tough, he even went to the Capitol riots. Dunno if he managed to waddle inside, though, he's kinda old. Who gets picked last for doing coups? "Coach" Dave, probably.

"Coach" Dave is so masculine he melted into a piss-puddle of shrieking 1980s-era middle school anti-gay slurs when Pete Buttigieg was nice to a nine-year-old gay kid at a rally, calling him Pete "Buttfudge." Dave was so triggered, he wanted Pete ARRESTED.

"Coach" Dave was pretty sure Hurricane Harvey was God's punishment against Houston for abortion and lesbian witch mayors, even though when Harvey struck, the mayor of Houston was a non-lesbian Black man. Dave's god is one Forgetful Fred, apparently. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck," said Dave's absent-minded god, suddenly remembering he had been meaning to zap Houston with a hurricane any time in the preceding six years, when Annise Parker was actually mayor. "Oh well better late than never," said Dave's VERY TARDY lord.

Wanna hear him lovingly encourage Rachel Maddow to find a man to fuck? That exists.

Point is, he is just MISTER MAD and MISTER HATE and, you know, not very bright.

And now Dave will tell us about Dr. Anthony Fauci's true identity as DEVIL'S EMISSARY. (You should really watch the video, he is queening out so hard, it's funny.)

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CDC Gets Some Sense Whacked Back Into It: Vax Up, Mask Up, Stomp That Virus Flat!

Not the kind of Delta Blues anyone likes.

We've got a couple of huge steps today in the fight to keep the Delta variant of the coronavirus from spiking (more, further) in the US. The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention will be announcing changes to its guidance on wearing masks indoors, and will recommend that everyone, including fully vaccinated people, mask up indoors in parts of the country with high COVID-19 transmission rates. The new guidance will also recommend that all teachers, staff, and students in public schools wear masks when public schools reopen this fall.

Also, in California, Gov. Gavin Newsom announced that all state workers will be required to either show proof they've been vaccinated, or to agree to be tested weekly. You know, for public health and tyranny.

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Why Did Mean Joe Biden Make Red State Republicans Refuse The COVID-19 Vaccine?


Who's responsible for COVID-19 vaccine rates stalling in the US like a rusty Ford pickup? If you're a Republican and constitutionally incapable of shame and human decency, the answer is obviously President Joe Biden.

Monday, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell blamed Biden for the mess we're in, and because he wasn't reduced to a smoldering pile of ash on the Senate floor, he also proved conclusively that there's no God.

The sack of manure in a urine-colored suit said:

After the Biden administration was very eager to claim ownership and spike the football on the vaccination trajectory largely inherited from Republican leadership, we've now seen vaccination rates in many places plateau on what this White House has been insisting is their watch.
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