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Rick Perry Resigning To Spend More Time With His Subpoenas

Governor Goodhair is taking his mousse and going back to Texas. Bloomberg was first to report that Rick Perry tackled Donald Trump on Air Force One like a process server to drop his quitfire notice. Well, to be fair, Bloomberg was second, since the New York Times reported it two weeks ago, only to have Perry accuse them of Fake News.

But don't panic, guys. Donald Trump was quick to assure his fans in Texas that Perry's replacement WILL HAVE A PENIS, saying, "It's a man that we're going to be putting in Rick's place." Whew, glad we dodged that tampon, huh?

So why is Perry noping out now? Is he still moping about the failure of his plan to make it illegal to close coal plants because of "national security"? Or was this dash for the exit precipitated by Perry's realization that he is up to his SMRT glasses in impeachment shit? Because every day another damning detail of the administration's efforts to shake down Ukraine surfaces, and Rick Perry's idiot finger prints are all over it.

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Laura Ingraham: If Mick Mulvaney Were A Lawyer, Which He Is, He Could Avoid Confessing To All The Crimes

White House (acting) Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney's press briefing Thursday lacked the confident professionalism of a dumpster fire. It was like the "West Wing" episode when Josh filled in for CJ. But Josh just admitted that the president had a secret plan to fight inflation (he didn't). Mulvaney admitted that the president held up funding to the Ukraine until he got dirt on his political enemies (he did).

Donald Trump reportedly "wasn't happy" that Mulvaney implicated him in multiple crimes. This is why the chief of staff is still temp to perm. Conservative media did their best to help Mulvaney out of the hole he'd dug and dumped bodies into on live TV. Wall Street Journal columnist Kim Strassel accused the press and Democrats of "moving the goal post" and claimed the Ukraine scandal is no different from the "Russia collusion fake story."

STRASSEL: Now, apparently, there is something inappropriate - or it is a quid pro quo for the president to say, we're not going to give you money until you tell us whether or not you meddled in our 2016 election. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but we just asked Bob Mueller to do the exact same thing for several years with regards to Russia. I mean, that's not a quid pro quo, that's a legitimate ask.

These fever dreams about Robert Mueller are a popular diversionary tactic from conservatives now. Trump is the true hero here. Mueller dithered around like a common Hamlet, but Trump isn't wasting time. He'll do whatever it takes to defend America from enemies foreign and domestic, who happen to have the names Clinton and Biden. Go figure. Strassel just released a new book, Resistance (At All Costs), about how "Trump Haters Are Breaking America" (that's the rest of the title). Trump tweeted a glowing review and expressed his appreciation for Strassel early this week. That's probably not quid pro quo either. She's just a hack who shamelessly defends Trump no matter how obviously criminally he behaves.

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Who You Gonna Believe? Mick Mulvaney Or That Dumb Liar Mick Mulvaney?

Good news, everyone, the crimes you thought happened at the White House did not actually happen at the White House, because (acting) White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney has released a statement to say Donald Trump did not commit the crimes Mick Mulvaney admitted Trump committed on live TV several hours before this statement right here, which is the truth.

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Mick Mulvaney: Trump Committed Ukraine Crimes, It Was Awesome, GET OVER IT!

Hooray, we've reached the stage of Donald Trump's impeachment where they just go on TV and say, "Yeah, Trump did the crimes! Crimes are THE BEST! We're taking a blubbering shit on the Constitution and selling America's national security out to our enemies in order to satisfy the whims of the world's stupidest authoritarian leader, and that is a thing we are PROUD OF!"

The messenger today was White House (acting) Chief of Staff/fluffer Mick Mulvaney, and his message was FUCK YEAH BUDDY! CRIME IS COOL! GET OVER IT.

Specifically he admitted that part of why they were extorting Ukraine and withholding aid is because they wanted Ukraine to investigate the syphilis hallucinations Trump and Rudy Giuliani are experiencing about what really happened in 2016, including Trump's bizarre belief that the Russians didn't hack the DNC, Seth Rich stole those emails and framed the Russians for the hacking, and that after a series of exciting and batshit twists and turns, that server was smuggled away from the FBI and is now buried in a rich guy's backyard in Ukraine.

Or whatever the fuck it is.

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Russia

Hillary Clinton Said True Thing About Tulsi Gabbard, Everybody Sh*t Your Pants!

Nothing about this is incorrect or remotely controversial.

Well! Well well well! Hillary Clinton dared to speak in public again, where the fuck does she get off, hasn't she heard that some people on Twitter have determined that she is no longer allowed to do that, HAAAARRRRRUMPH GRRR ARGH? It's not like she was the Democratic Party's presidential nominee in 2016 and won the popular vote by almost three million, only "losing" the Electoral College because of a bizarre fluke-y confluence of events involving an FBI director gone rogue and a "sweeping and systematic" attack on our election by Russia, as Republican former FBI director/special counsel Robert Mueller put it in his report, to hurt her candidacy and (successfully) install the Kremlin's chosen asset, Donald Trump, in the American presidency.

God, what a horrible bitch Hillary Clinton is, for TALKING LIKE A COMMON PERSON WHO TALKS, UGGGGGGGH GO AWAY.

Some people are doing their best impression of Kyle's mom on "South Park" saying "WHAwhaWHATTTTTTT?!" because Clinton did a podcast and said a couple of very obviously true things about the Democratic primary, and Tulsi Gabbard in particular. If you are one of those people who thinks it's fashionable to lose your shit every time Hillary Clinton deigns to share her thoughts, you're gonna want to get your inhaler real quick:

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Media/Entertainment

Mark Zuckerberg: Facebook Is The Frederick Douglass Of Martin Luther Kings

Lies and racism are fine as long as you sign your real name.

At Georgetown University yesterday, Facebook bossman Mark Zuckerberg gave a great big speech about free speech to explain why he won't do anything about false political ads, even when they included demonstrable lies, not just shadings of opinion. He was a regular John Stuart Mill on digital media's great power to let the people be heard, and insisted that the beauty of Free Speech is that it brought us the Civil Rights Movement, not to mention all the anime porn you can download. And he didn't say anything new at all, except that it was coming from the guy whose company's mistakes involving what reaches readers can be a matter of life and death, like when Facebook literally helped spread genocidal messaging in Burma. But he's very sorry about that, and has installed a patch that should reduce genocides quite a bit.

There really wasn't anything all that new in his argument: The best answer to offensive speech is more speech, and the marketplace of ideas will make sure the truth is known, and please never mind that those with the most money can extend their speech farther and louder while Facebook makes huge profits.

Zuck certainly sparked some negative engagement, however, when he suggested Facebook somehow embodies the ideals of civil rights heroes, who were fighting for the right to be treated as full human beings under the law, not for the beauty of unregulated expression.

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Media/Entertainment

New York Times Shows Softer Side Of Hungarian Authoritarianism

Why NOT have a Holocaust revisionist write an op-ed praising Viktor Orban?

In 2013, the Hungarian government announced its intention to establish a museum called the House of Fates, which was meant to memorialize the country's experience during the Holocaust. Although it was initially slated to open in 2014 — the 70th anniversary of the Holocaust — it did not open until last year, as a result of a torrent of controversy that eventually led to the Hungarian government transferring ownership of the museum to the United Hungarian Jewish Congregation (EMIH). The controversy was the fact that one Dr. Maria Schmidt had been tapped to run it.

Schmidt, a government-appointed historian and long-time acolyte of Hungary's strong man Prime Minister Viktor Orbán, is known to have a penchant for rewriting the Holocaust. Like many right-wing Hungarians these days, Schmidt has been known to diminish Hungary's complicity in the persecution of Hungarian Jews, portraying the country as an innocent victim. This, obviously, runs contrary to the experiences of the Hungarian Jews who were actually alive during the Holocaust and clearly remember being persecuted by Hungarians. These groups were already pretty upset about a statue erected by the Hungarian government (pictured above), which Schmidt endorsed, in which Germany is portrayed as an eagle attacking an angel representing Hungary. When it was announced that Schmidt would be in charge of the museum, Jewish groups protested and refused to be involved if she was going to have anything to do with it.

Yesterday, The New York Times ran an op-ed by this same woman, extolling the virtues of Orbán's neo-fascist regime, as though she were some kind of normal person.

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Impeachment

SEAL Commander Who Killed Bin Laden Just Saying The Republic Is Under Attack, From Donald Trump

IMPEACH THE MOTHERFUCKER ALREADY.

Admiral William McRaven, who commanded the SEAL team that killed Osama bin Laden, has not been shy about criticizing Donald Trump when he sees fit. This sets him apart from, say, former Defense secretary Jim Mattis, who did the Al Smith dinner last night and LARFED LIKE A CLOWN at Trump calling him overrated, saying he guesses he is the "Meryl Streep of generals," hahahahahaha funny joke, Jim Mattis, MAYBE YOU SHOULD FUCKING SPEAK OUT RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

Last time we visited Bill McRaven, he was all up in the newspaper when Trump was threatening to take security clearances from former CIA director John Brennan and others, saying if you're going to rip the security clearance from those patriots, please take his too, sir, as it would be a motherfucking honor coming from a shithole president such as Trump. (Not his exact words.)

Unsurprisingly, McRaven is back this week with a blistering op-ed (yes, it's blistering!) in the New York Times, which explicitly says America is under attack from within, by our criminal president Donald Trump. He's just saying. The decorated admiral who led the SEAL team that killed Bin Laden. Says America is under attack. And that the invading power is Donald Trump.

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Nice Time

Rep. Elijah Cummings Goes Out Swinging

American hero sticks it to Trump as last official act.

The late Elijah Cummings was a hero and champion. This isn't the normal hyperbole we extend to politicians in the days after their death. It's supported by his deeds. In one of his last official acts as chairman of the House Oversight and Reform Committee, Cummings worked to help stop Donald Trump's latest bit of cruelty toward immigrants. The administration was willing to deport children with grave medical conditions regardless of whether they could receive adequate treatment outside the US. Hours before his death, Cummings signed two subpoenas for documents related to a temporary end to a policy change no Trump staffer could adequately explain.

According to a Democratic aide, Cummings "felt so strongly about the children, that he was going to fight until the end." This is because, unlike Trump, Cummings possessed a human soul and a heart. Whatever pain he might've suffered toward the end of his life didn't diminish the concern he had for others. That's why he entered politics -- not for power or his own self-aggrandizement -- but to help people.

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popular

Chicago's Teachers Are Mad As Hell

It's not about the money, it's about the kids!

Yesterday 32,500 Chicago teachers and support staff went on strike. Organizers in the Chicago Teachers Union estimate between 10,000 and 15,000 teachers, staff, students, and supporters showed up to march, demanding the city cough up money it always seems to find under a couch cushion whenever wealthy, tourist-friendly areas need stadiums, amphitheaters, or condos.

For years teachers have been demanding an increase in the funding of school services, and every time the city replies, "Maybe next time." After her historic election earlier this year, many Chicagoans had high hopes for the new mayor, Lori Lightfoot, thanks to lofty promises during a contentious election. Lightfoot had promised to increase the number of support staff (like guidance counselors, social workers, and special education workers) at schools throughout the city ahead of the CTU's expiring contract with the city. Teachers say the mayor walked away from her promises, while the mayor argues the city doesn't have enough in its $7.7 billion budget.

Years of segregation, mismanagement, budget cuts, school closures and the usual big shoulder-shrugging from now-former city officials have left Chicago's schools desperate to keep even the most basic support staff, like nurses and librarians, while class sizes continue to swell. A majority of Chicago's public schools serve low-income families. Parents and teachers argue that they've been carrying the weight of the city's exhaustive list of budget problems, and that instead of building an unwanted $6 billion amphitheater or a new police academy, or repeatedly shelling out multi-million dollar settlements every time a cop "accidentally" kills a kid, maybe we could invest something into the fucking schools.

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Ukraine

Rick Perry Resigning To Spend More Time With His Subpoenas

BOY BYE.

Governor Goodhair is taking his mousse and going back to Texas. Bloomberg was first to report that Rick Perry tackled Donald Trump on Air Force One like a process server to drop his quitfire notice. Well, to be fair, Bloomberg was second, since the New York Times reported it two weeks ago, only to have Perry accuse them of Fake News.

But don't panic, guys. Donald Trump was quick to assure his fans in Texas that Perry's replacement WILL HAVE A PENIS, saying, "It's a man that we're going to be putting in Rick's place." Whew, glad we dodged that tampon, huh?

So why is Perry noping out now? Is he still moping about the failure of his plan to make it illegal to close coal plants because of "national security"? Or was this dash for the exit precipitated by Perry's realization that he is up to his SMRT glasses in impeachment shit? Because every day another damning detail of the administration's efforts to shake down Ukraine surfaces, and Rick Perry's idiot finger prints are all over it.

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Trump

Trump Appoints Illuminati Mind Power Warrior Magic Expert To Education Board

His pen name may or may not be 'Magus Incognito'.

We can no longer say that Donald Trump has never done anything for us. Why? Because he has given us the gift of appointing one George Mentz to the Commission on Presidential Scholars, a board that selects and honors 161 Presidential Scholars from across the country.

Why is this such a beautiful gift, you ask? Well, I think we all know that anyone Trump appoints is going to be terrible. He does not pick the best people, for anything. He picks the worst people, for everything. And you can be assured that George Mentz is, indeed, also the worst. But he is also a purveyor of some of the most hilarious batshittery I have ever seen in my life — and heck, if everyone Trump is going to appoint to everything is terrible, the least we can ask for is some quality entertainment.

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News

Laura Ingraham: If Mick Mulvaney Were A Lawyer, Which He Is, He Could Avoid Confessing To All The Crimes

You gotta give the press the old razzle dazzle!

White House (acting) Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney's press briefing Thursday lacked the confident professionalism of a dumpster fire. It was like the "West Wing" episode when Josh filled in for CJ. But Josh just admitted that the president had a secret plan to fight inflation (he didn't). Mulvaney admitted that the president held up funding to the Ukraine until he got dirt on his political enemies (he did).

Donald Trump reportedly "wasn't happy" that Mulvaney implicated him in multiple crimes. This is why the chief of staff is still temp to perm. Conservative media did their best to help Mulvaney out of the hole he'd dug and dumped bodies into on live TV. Wall Street Journal columnist Kim Strassel accused the press and Democrats of "moving the goal post" and claimed the Ukraine scandal is no different from the "Russia collusion fake story."

STRASSEL: Now, apparently, there is something inappropriate - or it is a quid pro quo for the president to say, we're not going to give you money until you tell us whether or not you meddled in our 2016 election. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but we just asked Bob Mueller to do the exact same thing for several years with regards to Russia. I mean, that's not a quid pro quo, that's a legitimate ask.

These fever dreams about Robert Mueller are a popular diversionary tactic from conservatives now. Trump is the true hero here. Mueller dithered around like a common Hamlet, but Trump isn't wasting time. He'll do whatever it takes to defend America from enemies foreign and domestic, who happen to have the names Clinton and Biden. Go figure. Strassel just released a new book, Resistance (At All Costs), about how "Trump Haters Are Breaking America" (that's the rest of the title). Trump tweeted a glowing review and expressed his appreciation for Strassel early this week. That's probably not quid pro quo either. She's just a hack who shamelessly defends Trump no matter how obviously criminally he behaves.

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Ukraine

Who You Gonna Believe? Mick Mulvaney Or That Dumb Liar Mick Mulvaney?

Call us crazy, but we believe Mick Mulvaney.

Good news, everyone, the crimes you thought happened at the White House did not actually happen at the White House, because (acting) White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney has released a statement to say Donald Trump did not commit the crimes Mick Mulvaney admitted Trump committed on live TV several hours before this statement right here, which is the truth.

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Everywhere Else News

President Goodbrain Brings Peace To Northern Syria, Eternal Shame On USA

Turkey 'had to have it cleaned out,' says sociopath/world leader.

Mike Pence and Mike Pompeo proudly announced Thursday, at the US Embassy in Ankara, that they had convinced Turkey to agree to a ceasefire in northern Syria today, and all they had to do was agree to everything Turkey wanted: the removal of all Kurdish forces within 20 miles of the entire Syria-Turkey border. Turkey has agreed to halt military action in the so-called "safe zone" for five days, and if all the Kurdish fighters have withdrawn, Turkey will permanently call its Orwellian "Operation Peace Spring" over. (It was an operation, but involved neither peace, nor Spring.)

As for the Kurds, they're fucked. The former US allies who did the bulk of the fighting to bring down the ISIS "caliphate" in Syria, at the cost of 10,000 Kurdish lives, have to get the hell out. Oh, and Trump has some lovely parting gifts for Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan:

[The] agreement essentially gives the Turks what they had sought to achieve with their military operation in the first place. After the Kurdish forces are cleared from the safe zone, Turkey has committed to a permanent cease-fire but is under no obligation to withdraw its troops. In addition, the deal gives Turkey relief from sanctions the administration had imposed and threatened to impose since the invasion began, meaning there will be no penalty for the operation. [emphasis added -- Dok]

Also, a lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat®. Thanks for playing! And Donald Trump, having halted the invasion he gave Turkey the OK to start, will now sit back and wait for the Nobel committee to send him that Peace Prize Obama stole from him.

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News

'Get Over It.' Wonkagenda For Fri., Oct. 18, 2019

A 'ceasefire,' poopy pants, and a teachers strike. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Ukraine

Mick Mulvaney: Trump Committed Ukraine Crimes, It Was Awesome, GET OVER IT!

Did Mick Mulvaney think he was talking to his priest just now?

Hooray, we've reached the stage of Donald Trump's impeachment where they just go on TV and say, "Yeah, Trump did the crimes! Crimes are THE BEST! We're taking a blubbering shit on the Constitution and selling America's national security out to our enemies in order to satisfy the whims of the world's stupidest authoritarian leader, and that is a thing we are PROUD OF!"

The messenger today was White House (acting) Chief of Staff/fluffer Mick Mulvaney, and his message was FUCK YEAH BUDDY! CRIME IS COOL! GET OVER IT.

Specifically he admitted that part of why they were extorting Ukraine and withholding aid is because they wanted Ukraine to investigate the syphilis hallucinations Trump and Rudy Giuliani are experiencing about what really happened in 2016, including Trump's bizarre belief that the Russians didn't hack the DNC, Seth Rich stole those emails and framed the Russians for the hacking, and that after a series of exciting and batshit twists and turns, that server was smuggled away from the FBI and is now buried in a rich guy's backyard in Ukraine.

Or whatever the fuck it is.

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Ukraine

Can You Read Gordon Sondland's Ukraine Testimony Without Punching A Baby? A Wonkette Self-Control Test!

So inconvenient when your confederates go on television confess to all the crimes you're in the process of denying under oath.

Lord grant us the confidence of a rich, white Boomer businessman who knows jack shit about foreign policy but has a cool million to buy an ambassador gig and thinks he's God's gift to international relations. Gordon Sondland's opening statement to his House testimony today is out and ... THIS FUCKIN' GUY. He literally touts his qualifications to represent America's interests to the European Union by bragging that, "My successful business background and results-oriented focus made me, in my view, well-suited to bring the fresh perspective to US foreign policy that President Trump had sought." Thank you for your unbiassss view of you, your excellency!

In fact, Sondland's perspective was so "fresh" that The New York Times reports he told random people they could drop by any time at the White House, resulting in a group of Romanian officials showing up uninvited, and Fiona Hill testified that he jeopardized national security by using his personal cellphone for government business and handing out cell phone numbers of government employees. But it's not like he had an unlicensed server in the basement of the official residence he's in the process of renovating with a million taxpayer dollars, so ... it's all good.

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News

Welcome, G-7 Leaders, To Trump Miami Trash Palace, Ass-Grabs And Bedbugs For Free!

It puts the emoluments on its skin and rolls around in them.

The White House announced today that the Trump administration has decided, after extensive analysis of all the available data, to hold the next Group of Seven summit at Donald Trump's Trump National Doral golf resort in Miami, because that's obviously the best place for it that will result in a big payday for the "president" of the United States.

The decision was announced by (acting) Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney, who apparently won a competition for who could say with the straightest face there was no conflict of interest. Why Doral? Well obviously it's simply the best choice, for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with Donald Trump owning the place. No, you see, the team used the same criteria for selecting a site that other administrations have, and by complete coincidence, chose Trump's Bedbug Palace.

Sort of makes you wonder, if the criteria were the same, why no previous administration had chanced on Trump Doral. They probably all realized it was perfect, but then went elsewhere because they were JEALOUS of what a great location it is. Fox News should probably demand an investigation into why Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton all discriminated against the Trump Organization like that. Even though Trump has only owned it since 2012.

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2020 democratic primary

Marianne Williamson Not Leaving Dem Race Until She's Tricked Into Saying Name Backwards

She's still got woo-woo goop to share!

No serious person missed crystal-waving kook Marianne Williamson at Tuesday's Democratic primary debate. We're trying to pick a presidential nominee here and don't have time for Williamson's woo-woo. But Oprah Winfrey's spiritual adviser is real mad that no one seems to think Oprah's spiritual adviser should have command of our nuclear arsenal.

Williamson feels Tuesday's debate wasn't the Vegas spectacle she believes voters deserve. She goes into detail about how lousy the other candidates were in an op-ed the Washington Post published without bothering to translate from its original gibberish.

"Last night's debate was a lot of things, but it was not exciting. It contained no magic."

Doug Henning on Carson www.youtube.com

I also watched the debate and was wowed when Elizabeth Warren made Joe Biden's frontrunner status disappear like the Statue of Liberty. But Williamson doesn't want simple illusions or blunt realism. She wants magic! She wanted to see demonic fairies summoned and vanquished, and, no, Tulsi Gabbard doesn't count. All Democrats offered Tuesday night was "Game of Thrones" without dragons.

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