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​And Now For Something Completely Different, The President's Brain Is Broken

News of Brett Kavanaugh's latest sexual assault allegation and Donald Trump conducting war policy on Saudi Prince Mohamnmad Bone Saw's orders and Trump deporting sick kids so they can die gettin' you down? Take a five-minute break to laugh at the president for being a fucking buffoon! Sure, you won't feel "better" afterward, but that's because feeling better doesn't exist anymore.

Anyway, what in the entire fuck is this?

"These Radical Left Democrats are CRAZY! Obama Netflix?" the president asks, like he is a normal person asking a normal question that other people are also asking. "OBAMA NETFLIX?!?!?!?!"

SOMEBODY'S a Jealous Janet today! Instead of investigating the obvious reality that for Donald Trump, the presidency is little more than an elaborate grifting scheme, he just really wants the House Judiciary Committee to investigate ... the fact that Barack Obama got a big book deal, because he's the most recent former president and one of the most admired men in the world? And also that Barack and Michelle Obama (most admired woman in the world) inked a deal to produce documentaries with Netflix?

What does the president think Congress would investigate about those things, were Congress to drop everything and follow the bouncing ball of the president's ball-shrinking insecurities and hallucinations?

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Who Will Trump Bomb? Only Saudi Arabia Can Say.

Poor John Bolton! All he's ever wanted his whole life was to bomb Iran. And in the five minutes since he got tweetfired -- after 17 months of prostrating himself before That Orange Idiot -- it looks like we're going to do it. Dumb fuckin' luck!

Which is not to diminish the seriousness of a conflict which might be worse than Vietnam and will, in the best of scenarios, kill tens of thousands of people. But it is pretty ironic. Oil prices dropped precipitously when Bolton got fired, as everyone deducted the Iran war premium. And then someone bombed the shit out of Saudi Arabia's oil facilities in Abqaiq, knocking half their production offline. So now oil prices are soaring, and Trump says he's ready to liquidate our Strategic Petroleum Reserve, so Americans should definitely not blame him for rising prices at the pump in the run-up to the 2020 election, more or less. Also, can't you idiots see we're swimming in a delicious sea of oil?

Anyway, THIS IS ALL FINE, and as soon as Saudi Arabia gives us our marching orders, the bombings will begin.

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New Brett Kavanaugh Sexual Assault Allegations? WHAT? No! Really? THE F*CK YOU SAY!

NO! Say it is not so!

You mean to tell us that after then-GOP-Senator Jeff Flake acceded to the need for at least the thinnest bullshit appearance of a bullshit FBI investigation into the allegations against Brett Kavanaugh, which did indeed result in an absolutely bullshit appearance of an FBI investigation, where Donald Trump and the GOP had their stranger danger fingers on the scale the entire time ... you mean there are more allegations against Supreme Court Justice Rape Van, even now, many months after the Senate barely confirmed him? WHAT?

Everyone could have seen this coming, unless they were personally invested in not seeing it coming.

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MusKegon Kop Kanned For Keeping Klan Kollectibles In Krib

There are certain things you see while house hunting that are immediate turnoffs. For us, it's vessel sinks and clawfoot tubs. Prospective home buyer Rob Mathis wasn't too picky. He probably just wanted a two-car garage, central air, and no obvious evidence that the previous owner was a white supremacist. Mathis, who is black, and his family were walking through a house in Holton, Michigan, last month and couldn't help but notice the Confederate flags on the "walls, dining room table, and even the garage." Competent realtors usually ask you to remove personal items from the residence before listing it. You want buyers to imagine themselves living there. It's not Halloween and they're not visiting a racist haunted house.

There were even more horrors waiting for Mathis in the bedroom, and we don't mean the cramped, non-functional master closet. He found to his "surprise" a framed "Klu Klux Klan" application hanging on the wall. We confess we didn't realize the Klan had literal applications, as if there were a head of inhuman resources screening them for minimum requirements and red flags (e.g. the applicant is black or Jewish). We assume there are sections for describing how much you resent race mixing and listing all your "special skills" (hating, discrimination, Excel).

Yeah, that's real.Facebook

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News

CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL BEN SHAPIRO ALL ABOUT BRETT KAVANAUGH'S COCK?

Ben's gonna need a composite sketch, or maybe a Scratch-n-Sniff version, FOR JOURNALISM.

We have found the winner of the unofficial right-wing contest for who can come up with the stupidest reason to say this week's New York Times piece on Brett Kavanaugh, which revealed another sexual assault accusation against the man whose name is pretty much synonymous with "rape van" in our minds, was fake news.

Surprise, it's Ben Shapiro! He is just disappointed that nobody has given a full accounting of what Brett Kavanaugh's penis looks like, whether there's anything fun or exciting about it, has it ever heard the wolf cry to the new corn moon, does it paint with all the colors of the wind, is it purple like an eggplant, does it appear as a lighthouse against the horizon after the thrashing of a storm at sea?

CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL BEN SHAPIRO ABOUT THE SHAPE OF BRETT KAVANAUGH'S COCK? OR MAYBE DRAW HIM A DOODLE OF BART O'KAVANAUGH'S DINGLE? AND IF YOU MAKE IT SCRATCH-N-SNIFF, BEN SHAPIRO THANKS YOU IN ADVANCE, ALLEGEDLY! ANYBODY GOT A 3-D PRINTER AROUND HERE?

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Environment

Nice Time! Your Hippie 'Wind' And 'Solar' Gonna Murder Fracking DEAD

Just as long as short-sighted greedheads aren't running everything. Uh-oh.

One of the big rightwing talking points against pursuing clean energy just got a lot weaker, thanks to a pair of new reports from the Rocky Mountain Institute. We've been told forever that wind and solar (and large-scale storage) will never ever be cheap enough to be economically viable, despite the huge decline in costs of renewable energy over the past decade. Now, the RMI studies project that by 2035, renewable energy will actually undercut the costs of natural gas, to the point that 90 percent of planned new natural gas power plants, and the pipelines that would need to be built to fuel them, won't be able to compete with clean energy. This is good news for the climate, and good news for electric ratepayers -- but only if utilities decide to skip building those gas power plants, which run the risk of becoming expensive white elephants whose losses would have to be eaten by ratepayers.

Instead of natural gas, which has become hugely cheap due to all the fracking, being a "bridge" from coal and oil to a clean energy future, it might make a lot more economic sense for utilities to expand their use of clean sources now, and remember that somebody trying to sell you a bridge is probably running a con.

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Congress

Adam Schiff Cordially Invites New Acting DNI To Defy Whistleblower Law To Congress's Face!

Thanks Acting DNI Joseph McGuire! You're gonna be a STAR!

There's some fuckery afoot in Donald Trump's Intelligence Community. The fact that Acting Director of National Intelligence Joseph McGuire is burying a whistleblower complaint in blatant violation of the plain wording of federal law would be a massive scandal in any other administration. But here in the Firehose Era, it goes rushing by practically unnoticed.

NOT ON YOUR WONKETTE'S WATCH, DAMMIT! House Intelligence Chair Adam Schiff just dropped a subpoena on the Acting DNI calling him to testify before the Committee on Thursday, which is a BFD. And let's pay particular attention to the dates here, for reasons we'll come back to in a hot second.

According to Rep. Schiff's September 13 letter to McGuire, on August 12, the Intelligence Community Inspector General (ICIG) received a "whistleblower disclosure intended for the congressional intelligence committees from an individual within the intelligence community." As provided under 50 US Code §3033§3033 and the Intelligence Community Whistleblowers Protection Act, the ICIG conducted a 14-day preliminary investigation and found the allegations credible and of "urgent concern" to Congress. On August 26, the ICIG told McGuire of his findings, which started the clock on a deadline for the DNI to disclose the information to HPSCI, as laid out in 50 US Code §30339(k)(5)(G):

Upon receipt of a transmittal from the Inspector General under subparagraph (B), the Director shall, within 7 calendar days of such receipt, forward such transmittal to the congressional intelligence committees, together with any comments the Director considers appropriate.

That would be a non-discretionary statute. McGuire doesn't have any wiggle room here -- it says "shall," and that doesn't mean he gets to go running to Attorney General Bill Barr to ask if he can prettyplease dummy up some bullshit excuse to get out of it. So naturally, that's exactly what he did.

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Featured

​And Now For Something Completely Different, The President's Brain Is Broken

OBAMA NETFLIX??????

News of Brett Kavanaugh's latest sexual assault allegation and Donald Trump conducting war policy on Saudi Prince Mohamnmad Bone Saw's orders and Trump deporting sick kids so they can die gettin' you down? Take a five-minute break to laugh at the president for being a fucking buffoon! Sure, you won't feel "better" afterward, but that's because feeling better doesn't exist anymore.

Anyway, what in the entire fuck is this?

"These Radical Left Democrats are CRAZY! Obama Netflix?" the president asks, like he is a normal person asking a normal question that other people are also asking. "OBAMA NETFLIX?!?!?!?!"

SOMEBODY'S a Jealous Janet today! Instead of investigating the obvious reality that for Donald Trump, the presidency is little more than an elaborate grifting scheme, he just really wants the House Judiciary Committee to investigate ... the fact that Barack Obama got a big book deal, because he's the most recent former president and one of the most admired men in the world? And also that Barack and Michelle Obama (most admired woman in the world) inked a deal to produce documentaries with Netflix?

What does the president think Congress would investigate about those things, were Congress to drop everything and follow the bouncing ball of the president's ball-shrinking insecurities and hallucinations?

Keep reading... Show less
Guns

Who Needs To Be Shot? Fox News Has Some Ideas!

Our cold dead hands.

Fox News was certainly in a mood to reassure America's gun humpers that guns are good, guns make America good, and if you have a gun, you should definitely use it against anyone you think is a threat, because the Constitution says you get to shoot people. IT'S IN THE CONSTITUTION. Which is why, when Beto O'Rourke said he would like to ban and then have a mandatory buyback of certain beloved semiautomatic rifles, then repeated it with a Hell Yes in last Thursday's debate, Fox News talkers on Friday were happy to help their viewers with target selection. They stopped short of threatening Beto O'Rourke himself, but they're very certain there will be a bloodbath if anyone tries to take the guns. If that's not proof that America's responsible gun owners are law abiding, what is?

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Featured

Who Will Trump Bomb? Only Saudi Arabia Can Say.

As it is written in your bible constitution.

Poor John Bolton! All he's ever wanted his whole life was to bomb Iran. And in the five minutes since he got tweetfired -- after 17 months of prostrating himself before That Orange Idiot -- it looks like we're going to do it. Dumb fuckin' luck!

Which is not to diminish the seriousness of a conflict which might be worse than Vietnam and will, in the best of scenarios, kill tens of thousands of people. But it is pretty ironic. Oil prices dropped precipitously when Bolton got fired, as everyone deducted the Iran war premium. And then someone bombed the shit out of Saudi Arabia's oil facilities in Abqaiq, knocking half their production offline. So now oil prices are soaring, and Trump says he's ready to liquidate our Strategic Petroleum Reserve, so Americans should definitely not blame him for rising prices at the pump in the run-up to the 2020 election, more or less. Also, can't you idiots see we're swimming in a delicious sea of oil?

Anyway, THIS IS ALL FINE, and as soon as Saudi Arabia gives us our marching orders, the bombings will begin.

Keep reading... Show less
Courts

New Brett Kavanaugh Sexual Assault Allegations? WHAT? No! Really? THE F*CK YOU SAY!

Everyone could have seen this coming, unless they were personally invested in not seeing it coming.

NO! Say it is not so!

You mean to tell us that after then-GOP-Senator Jeff Flake acceded to the need for at least the thinnest bullshit appearance of a bullshit FBI investigation into the allegations against Brett Kavanaugh, which did indeed result in an absolutely bullshit appearance of an FBI investigation, where Donald Trump and the GOP had their stranger danger fingers on the scale the entire time ... you mean there are more allegations against Supreme Court Justice Rape Van, even now, many months after the Senate barely confirmed him? WHAT?

Everyone could have seen this coming, unless they were personally invested in not seeing it coming.

Keep reading... Show less
Immigrants

USCIS: 'Stop Us, Or More Sick Immigrant Kids Will Survive!'

Let ICE handle it. They'll send a lot more people home to die.

A top Trump immigration official recommended that Homeland Security take away the ability of US Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) to let seriously ill immigrants to stay in the US, according to a copy of her memo turned up by Politico. The memo, written by USCIS Policy and Strategy Chief Kathy Nuebel Kovarik, lays out several options for (acting) Homeland Security Secretary Kevin McAleenan before requesting that he strip USCIS of any authority to approve "medical deferred action" to prevent deportation of immigrants receiving lifesaving treatment. While the memo isn't signed by Trump's top white nationalist creeper Stephen Miller, Politico doesn't say whether it was tested for traces of his DNA. We have to assume it was still a little sticky when it was delivered to (acting) USCIS director Ken Cuccinelli.

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Cops Behaving Badly

MusKegon Kop Kanned For Keeping Klan Kollectibles In Krib

When you're selling your house, remove personal items like Confederate flags and framed KKK applications!

There are certain things you see while house hunting that are immediate turnoffs. For us, it's vessel sinks and clawfoot tubs. Prospective home buyer Rob Mathis wasn't too picky. He probably just wanted a two-car garage, central air, and no obvious evidence that the previous owner was a white supremacist. Mathis, who is black, and his family were walking through a house in Holton, Michigan, last month and couldn't help but notice the Confederate flags on the "walls, dining room table, and even the garage." Competent realtors usually ask you to remove personal items from the residence before listing it. You want buyers to imagine themselves living there. It's not Halloween and they're not visiting a racist haunted house.

There were even more horrors waiting for Mathis in the bedroom, and we don't mean the cramped, non-functional master closet. He found to his "surprise" a framed "Klu Klux Klan" application hanging on the wall. We confess we didn't realize the Klan had literal applications, as if there were a head of inhuman resources screening them for minimum requirements and red flags (e.g. the applicant is black or Jewish). We assume there are sections for describing how much you resent race mixing and listing all your "special skills" (hating, discrimination, Excel).

Yeah, that's real.Facebook

Keep reading... Show less
Saudi Arabia

Rand Paul Vs. Liz Cheney: LET THEM FIGHT.

It's your Sunday show rundown!

We begin this Sunday with the feud between Rand Paul and Liz Cheney. The feud seems to have begun when Paul rightfully called out neocons like the newly fired John Bolton, for their desire for "endless wars." This, of course, pissed off the scion of Dick Cheney enough that she responded via Twitter:

So began a volley of insults from the nepotistic children of rightwing scumbags, while somehow still remembering to kiss Donald Trump's ass while doing it.

So we pick up with this on CNN's State of The Union, where Jake Tapper asked Paul about this and whether it was more than the petty squabbling of spoiled assclowns:

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popular

Cock Tales. Wonkagenda For Mon., Sept. 16, 2019

Justice Rapey McPrivilege, another oil war, and Elton John. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Nice Time

Come Up For Air And Have Some Nice Things

We've got a new book club coming up, some George Orwell history, Molly Ivins, and non-Newtonian cat physics.

The news continues to be terrible, and so we continue to need these weekly reminders that not everything is horrible -- just the biggest things going on right now! There, don't you feel a lot better?

In hyper-local news, a Boise man continues to enjoy having adopted a cat recently:


What's the deal with cats and boxes, huh?

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popular

CNN Guy Bravely Sticks Up For Insurance Company Lovers Who Are Feeling Personally Attacked By Warren And Sanders

Oh jeez.

I shouldn't have clicked.

Here I was, looking around for something PERKY for the open thread (which is difficult for me because I don't really have a good understanding of what perky is), when I came upon the following CNN headline:

Warren and Sanders say Americans don't like their health insurance. Polls don't back that up.

And I knew! I knew it was going to be stupid, I knew it was going to be terrible, I knew it was going to make me want to put my fist through a wall, but I clicked anyway and it was worse than I had even imagined. So I am going to yell about it, if that is OK with all of you!

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popular

Seth Rich's Family May Now Sue The Pants Off Of Fox News, Appeals Court Rules

GOOD.

For the past God knows how many years at this point, the family of Seth Rich, a former DNC staffer who was murdered during a botched robbery, has had to deal with an onslaught of completely absurd conspiracy theories about his death — conspiracy theories pushed, in no small part, by Fox News and Sean Hannity in particular.

You've probably heard it before, but just in case you haven't, it goes a little something like this — Seth Rich was working for the DNC one day, when he realized that the DNC was actually very bad and decided to leak a bunch their of emails to Julian Assange and Wikileaks, and then Hillary Clinton found about about it and immediately figured out (magically!) that this random guy she'd never met before was the one what done it and she was so mad that she had him murdered or something, and oh my God #ClintonBodyCount!!!

It is very stupid, but so are the people who believe in it.

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popular

Anti-Vaxxer Throws Bloody Diva Cup At California State Senate, 'For The Dead Babies'

Ew and also WHAT?

On Friday afternoon, while the California State Senate prepared to go into recess, some wacky-ass anti-vaxx lady went and got herself arrested after she "threw a feminine hygiene device containing what appeared to be blood onto the Senate floor" at the senators... while screaming that she was doing it "for the dead babies." How PETA!

Naturally, all of the senators in the building responded to this action by saying, in unison, "Oh wow, we hadn't thought about that before! Never mind, it is totally cool if you want to send your unvaccinated children to school so they can infect children who have compromised immune systems with the measles!"

Except not. Because throwing a diva cup at someone is not a good way to make a point about anything. It is mostly just gross.

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popular

Your Weekly Top Ten Is Too Busy To Talk To You Right Now

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

Sorry, haters, ain't got time to talk to ya right now, our big annual drunken neighborhood festival starts in a few minutes and we gotta get our shit together. So let's DO THIS.

Before we count down the top ten stories of the week, here is your obligatory money beg, because if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE. Give us money to keep the lights on up in here! Better yet? SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! Thank you, we love you, you pay our rent.

Also, have you been to the Wonkette Flea Market lately, in order to find some rare finds? We have all kinds of merches, like t-shirts and coffee cups featuring your favorite candidates, and also just Wonkette-branded swag. Maybe there is some you do not have! GO FIND OUT.

Ready to count down the top stories? Yes, you are.

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