Good Morning, Donald Trump. Welcome To F*cking Around And Finding Out!

That wailing sound you hear is every Republican between here and the new condominium community between Viktor Orban's buttcheeks just SCREAMING that if they can do this to Donald Trump, they can do it to YOU TOO!

To which we reply that yes, if you have spent the last six years committing 34 crimes before breakfast every single day, many of them in plain fucking sight, and if you in a very public way incited a terrorist attack against America to overturn a free and fair election because you were too much of a scaredy chickenshit to admit you were a fucking loser, then yes, it is possible that at some point the law might start to catch up to you.

The FBI carried out a legal search warrant at Donald Trump's Mar-a-Lago trash palace in Palm Beach yesterday. (And no, Ron DeSantis, and you too, fucking Maggie Haberman, we are not suddenly calling Mar-a-Lago "MAL" like we have been using that as an acronym this whole time, places where Don Jr. and Eric probably still get accident boners in the swimming pool don't get code names like they're fucking military installations.)

We now live in a world where the FBI has raided the home of a former president of the United States. If we were worried Attorney General Merrick Garland didn't have the heavy swinging testicles to do what needed to be done here, that bird has now flown, that Rubicon has been crossed, there's no going back.

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Republicans Losing Their Sh*t Over IRA Bill. What Fun!

My perhaps simplistic take on legislative politics is that anything that makes Mitch McConnell cry is good for the American people. Remember how grumpy he looked when the late Senator John McCain foiled his attempt to deny millions healthcare? He’s possibly even more pissed now that Joe Manchin went full Democrat on him.

After Democrats passed the Inflation Reduction Act, McConnell released this melodramatic, lie-filled statement. I imagine him weeping while furiously pounding keys on a manual typewriter.

The last time Senate Democrats tried to remake the economy on party lines, they shoved American families into the worst inflation in 40 years. Democrats got all-you-can-eat liberal spending and working families got stuck with the bill.

Some economists have suggested that the American Rescue Plan might’ve contributed to the nation’s high core inflation. However, others believe that it helped saved the pandemic-pummeled economy. Republicans are in no position to quibble since their “solution” was do nothing and let people starve.

The Republicans’ problem here is that the Manchin-Schumer bill is called the “Inflation Reduction Act,” as in “this bill will reduce inflation.” Manchin repeatedly stated that he tanked Build Back Better because of concerns about inflation, and only the most brainwashed Fox News viewer will believe that Manchin no longer cares about inflation and wants to pass “all-you-can-eat liberal spending.” It’s gotten so bad for Republicans that they’ve resorted to quoting Bernie Sanders, who suggested the bill would have a “minimal impact on inflation.” As if people with their own bank accounts listen to Bernie. (I kid! I kid!)

No, seriously, they’re asking their voters to trust the socialist instead of the coal baron with his own house boat. The average right-wing brain can only take so much abuse.

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Wonkette Weekend Chat Travels The World And The Seven Seas

Welcome to this week’s absolutely live chat! We’ve even got some good news to discuss among the dreary, like a climate bill and encouraging jobs numbers. It’s enough to make you forget the scorching heat.

So, my favorite part of Cafe Nordo’s Down the Rabbit Hole is a happy accident: Last year, the show ran simultaneously with Feast of the Queens upstairs, and during run throughs, we realized our Alice needed more time to venture through the Looking Glass for her final scene down the rabbit hole. I wrote a segment called “Black Hole Karaoke” that ended with our Mad Hatter (Justine Yu-Ping Davis) and March Hare (Jesica Avellone) belting out two killer numbers. Jesica, who ends her run this weekend, consistently brought down the house with her rendition of the Eurythmics’ "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)." Annie Lennox would be proud (and I don’t say that lightly).

The live chat starts at 12 p.m. PT/3 p.m. ET and 2 p.m. Robyn time (that’s Chicago). As always, don’t forget to flip over to YouTube so you can like, share, subscribe and spread the love.

Jesica Avellone as the March Hare, belting out “Sweet Dreams,” in Cafe Nordo’s “Down The Rabbit Hole"

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Alex Jones Thinks He's Going To Beat The Legal System. He Is Wrong.

I hate Alex Jones. You hate Alex Jones. We all hate Alex Jones and agree that he is a cancer on our collective consciousness. And yet we are forced to write this long-ass post about that walking plague because his various legal entanglements are probably going to be a template for dealing with his thousand shitlord offspring as they inject their bile into our digital nervous system. In short, we are all going to have to learn to live in this world where lies can reach millions of people in a second.

So, let's talk about this sick fuck and his legal problems, shall we?

The Sandy Hook Lawsuits

In 2012, a young man with mental health issues and ready access to firearms murdered 20 children and six adults at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut. Almost immediately, Jones and his staff at Infowars began speculating that it was a "false flag" or a "synthetic" event staged by the government to gin up support for gun control. At various points, Infowars employees called the families "crisis actors" and speculated that the children murdered there never existed. Most egregiously, in 2017 host Owen Shroyer played a short clip of the medical examiner saying he'd allowed parents to identify their children by photo to spare them trauma to imply that the bodies had never been returned, and thus Neil Heslin, the father of slain 6-year-old Jesse Lewis, was lying when he said he'd held his dead son's body.

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Right Wing Extremism

OK Fine Charlie Kirk Raid YOU Now, How You Like Get Raid By Charlie Kirk, HOW YOU LIKE IT?


The reactions to Donald Trump's first brush with the slightest modicum of accountability for his loser life of crime are getting more and more hysterical. You know that thing where a taller person holds their hand against the head of an angry shorter person and the angry shorter person is just punching at the air, punching, punching, punching, but they can't make contact, on account of how they're too short and also not strong enough?

That's basically every white Aryan fascist dork right now.

So of course, we're getting some major toddler meltdown behavior from Charlie Kirk, who appears to the naked eye to be the living fulfillment of that thing your mom always said about how if you keep making that face, it's gonna get stuck like that.

Hi, Charlie Kirk, hiiiiiiiii.

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Oh Shoot, Now Trump Has To Give Congress His Taxes :(

So you had a bad day!

Donald Trump's day went from bad to worse when the DC Court of Appeals ruled that the House Committee on Ways and Means can get copies of his business and personal tax returns. The three judge panel, appointed by Reagan, Bush the elder, and Obama, upheld a decision of a District Court judge appointed by Trump himself. The Deep State strikes again!

BAD! Good Morning, Donald Trump. Welcome To F*cking Around And Finding Out!

In April of 2019, Ways and Means Chair Richie Neal requested Trump's tax returns from IRS Commissioner Charles Rettig, citing §6103 of the Internal Revenue Code, under which he was unambiguously entitled to get it.

Upon written request from the chairman of the Committee on Ways and Means of the House of Representatives, the chairman of the Committee on Finance of the Senate, or the chairman of the Joint Committee on Taxation, the Secretary shall furnish such committee with any return or return information specified in such request[.]

Treasury Secretary Stephen Mnuchin, Rettig's boss, refused, claiming to have looked into Neal's soul and found no legitimate legislative purpose there.

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Scary monsters! Scary monsters!

It's a good morning at Wonkette Manor, with the fine people of Kansas (no, we don't live there) making us feel Extra Way Better About The State Of The World. And because we feel Extra Way Better About The State Of The World, we're not embarrassed to shriek OH NO MONSTERS, or rather, OH NO WE HAVEN'T PAID US IN THREE MONTHS AND ALSO WE'VE BEEN PAYING THE SITE EXPENSES OUT OF POCKET AND OH NO THE HOUSE MONEY IS GONE AND THE CAR MONEY FROM INSURANCE TOTALING OUT OUR PRIUS IS GONE (poor deer) and of course by "us" I mean Shy and me, we would never not pay our staff or freelancers or bills, what are we, THAT LAST SHITHEAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE? We are not.

So here's the deal. We are not laying anyone off, ever, and we are not reducing our delightful freelancers, ever, so I don't have an OR ELSE to lay on you except "I am going to have to put everything on credit cards again, some more, it's a good thing that last shithead from the White House made me rethink my relationship to debt, i.e., I should have more of it!"

If you are in a financial squeeze with the inflations or the poor, please do not send Wonkette money. If you are already sending Wonkette money, please do not send Wonkette more money (unless you really seriously want to, you are already the attractive ... midshipmen?? in Starship Troopers, DOING YOUR PART). But if you are not in one of the preceding two categories, and you appreciate having Wonkette around and me not dying of MONSTERS, please (PLEASE!) consider starting a recurring donation with the widget below. Click an amount, click "monthly" if you can, and then click "paypal" (paypal) or "stripe" (all credit cards).

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