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Bill Barr Drew Dicks All Over Mueller Report, But Let's Liveblog It Anyway!

Welcome to Wonkette's reading room!

Gonna be a long day, y'all, you ready to dive in? We should note at the outset that any of the questions about obstruction of justice are colored by the fact that Trump refused to sit for an interview with Robert Mueller. Guess that's part of why Robert Mueller refused to clear him! But anyway, we will have more time for thoughts as we read.

Let's read the Mueller Report!

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ONE GOOD NICE TIME In This Gun Roundup! The Rest Of It, Well, It's A Gun Roundup.

What's our well-regulated militia up to this week?

April 20 will be the 20th anniversary of the massacre at Columbine High School. Mother Jones yesterday published a report on mass shooters (or would-be shooters) who in one way or another mentioned the Columbine murders as something they wanted to emulate, or as a benchmark they hoped to outdo. Since 1999, there have been more than 100 plots or actual attacks influenced by Columbine. MoJo national affairs editor Mark Follman notes,

And those are just the cases for which there is some kind of public record: In talking with law enforcement and mental health sources who work to prevent such attacks, I've learned of dozens more Columbine-influenced threats that never made the news.
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Liveblogging Bill Barr's Boot Scootin' MAGA Rally, We Mean Press Conference

Good morning, America! Attorney General Bill Barr is doing a presser at 9:30 AM EDT about the Mueller report, which nobody will be able to see until around noon or after, once Congress gets the redacted report on CDs. Seeing as that is bullshit, there's no reason to watch this thing, as journalists won't be able to ask him questions about a document they haven't seen. So ... go back to bed, everyone!

Ugh, fine, we guess we will do this, and that is because we care, even though we are quite certain HGTV is doing some kind of very important "Property Brothers" marathon that adds much more of value to the national discourse, and also covers it up with shiplap accent walls. Does Bill Barr do cover-ups with shiplap? No, because he doesn't have the good taste for that.

Reportedly, we are going to hear from Barr why certain things were redacted, including why he thinks certain facts are subject to executive privilege, which is funny because he is not the president and therefore cannot invoke executive privilege. But oh whatever! Details! Robert Mueller won't be there and none of his team will be there, which tells you something about how they feel about this whole process. If they felt like this was on the up-and-up, you'd imagine they might show up to present a united front. As that is not happening, assume the entire thing is a bullshit act meant to help Donald Trump set the narrative for what will otherwise be a very bad day for him.

The New York Times reported last night that the White House has already been briefed on significant portions of the report, because Bill Barr is a rightwing scam artist piece of shit who gives the Trump White House reacharounds. The briefings have reportedly been very helpful for the White House in coming up with how to rebut today's report, which is funny because we thought Trump said this report was a full exoneration, NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION. (Actually nope on both counts, since Mueller didn't decide the obstruction question, and even according to Barr's mash notes, he took a very limited view of the conspiracy question, focusing on the Russian government's hack and dump WikiLeaks operation.)

Anyway, assuming Trump is right about full exoneration, we guess Rudy Giuliani's rebuttal will state that Trump is guilty, full stop. Because that's what "rebuttal" means, correct?

Committee chairs in the House including Jerry Nadler, Adam Schiff and Maxine Waters have called upon Bill Barr to cancel today's briefing, as it is useless horseshit. Because Barr literally gives zero fucks about his reputation and apparently is OK with going down in history as a fecal stain on our institutions and the rule of law, the show will go on.

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Hey Aaron Schock, What'd You Find Down That Dude's Pants At Coachella?

AIN'T THIS JUST ALWAYS THE WAY?

You're a young-ish gay bro with a smokin' hot body, and you've gone to Coachella with your young-ish gay bro friends with smokin-hot bodies (you are WeHo gays, because of course you are). Your shirts are off, you're glistening with sweat as you grind to the music, maaaaaaaybe there are some illegal drugs coursing through your veins and some poppers in your fanny pack for later, and before you know it somebody puts a picture of you on the internet with your tongue in some dude's mouth and your hands down his pants. Whatcha lookin' for in there, young-ish gay bro with the smokin' hot body? Buried treasure? Or maybe just D-I-K? (Not gonna lie, we have been in similar situations.)

Did we mention you are Aaron Schock, former anti-gay congressman from Peoria, Illinois, the quote-unquote "metrosexual" dude who resigned in disgrace in a corruption scandal and proceeded to be indicted in 2016 on 24 counts? (The one who you -- different "you," Editrix Rebecca "you," not the Aaron Schock "you" -- had thought was already out of the closet and didn't understand why this was a post, and you were like "why is this a post, Evan, dude isn't even in Congress anymore, so, he kissed a guy, big fuckin' whoop" and THEN you realized that oh, that bitch has been lying this whooooole time, and in fact was still "metrosexual" and "straight" and "a big fucking gaybasher" up until now:thirty? -- Ed.)

Well, far be it from us to say people shouldn't have second chances, or that there's anything wrong with throwin' hips with a gay bro of the same gender -- or several in the same weekend! -- but on the same day when the first legitimately openly gay presidential candidate is being mocked by protesters dressing up as him and BEATING JESUS CHRIST (because that's what gays do!) and screaming at him about Sodom and Gomorrah, we kind of give a shit.

Smile, Aaron Schock, you seem to be on candid camera!

OH RLY?

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A Very Smart Post About Evangelicals, Trump, Michele Bachmann, AND A SURPRISE

Whoa hey you guys, blast from the past, but Michele Bachmann A) is still a tree that falls in the forest even if literally nobody is around to hear it make a sound and B) TIMBERRRRRRRR!

She was on one o' them prophesyin' radio shows, little outfit called "Understanding the Times," and she said:

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Crime

Nazi Coast Guard Guy May Have Arsenal, 'Hit List,' But Is He Really A *Terrorist*?

What part of 'he's white' did you not understand?

Weird development this week in the case of Christopher Hasson, that Coast Guard dude who was arrested in February and described as planning a huge act of violence. Despite some very scary stuff in a court document asking he be held without bond, the government hasn't actually charged Hasson with anything like terrorism, and now his federal public defender is asking the judge to release him until trial, saying the government hasn't shown he's dangerous and that prosecutors don't plan to charge him with terrorism. That seems quite odd!

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News

Ivanka Trump: President Daddy Almost Gave Me Job F**king Up The World Bank

This is why nepotism laws exist.

You might recall that Ivanka Trump, a failed designer of butt-ugly clothing, is also the daughter of Donald Trump, the president of the United States. It is among her only accomplishment. She is currently on her third year of the White House's Take Your Daughter to Work Day. She's the senior adviser to the president, but she almost upgraded it to a position with actual responsibilities and a job description.

During an interview Tuesday with the Associated Press, Trump said her father, the president, asked her about becoming the new head of the World Bank, which is a real thing that exists in the world. His reasoning, aside from his general contempt for all that is decent and proper, is that Ivanka is apparently "very good with numbers." We doubt this is true, unless the president is referring to the time they spent playing a child's board game involving dice and a thimble.

Trump passed on the job, she claims, because she is happy with her current role as head of contrived bullshit. (It also would've likely violated anti-nepotism laws.) She was, however, part of the selection process for the new chief of something she doesn't understand. The lucky recipient of Trump's castoff is David Malpass, who Trump graciously says will do "an incredible job." Malpass is a Georgetown-educated economist and was recently Under Secretary of the Treasury for International Affairs. He does not need Trump's LinkedIn testimonial.

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Russia

Liveblogging Bill Barr's Boot Scootin' MAGA Rally, We Mean Press Conference

This is bullshit, we're going back to bed.

Good morning, America! Attorney General Bill Barr is doing a presser at 9:30 AM EDT about the Mueller report, which nobody will be able to see until around noon or after, once Congress gets the redacted report on CDs. Seeing as that is bullshit, there's no reason to watch this thing, as journalists won't be able to ask him questions about a document they haven't seen. So ... go back to bed, everyone!

Ugh, fine, we guess we will do this, and that is because we care, even though we are quite certain HGTV is doing some kind of very important "Property Brothers" marathon that adds much more of value to the national discourse, and also covers it up with shiplap accent walls. Does Bill Barr do cover-ups with shiplap? No, because he doesn't have the good taste for that.

Reportedly, we are going to hear from Barr why certain things were redacted, including why he thinks certain facts are subject to executive privilege, which is funny because he is not the president and therefore cannot invoke executive privilege. But oh whatever! Details! Robert Mueller won't be there and none of his team will be there, which tells you something about how they feel about this whole process. If they felt like this was on the up-and-up, you'd imagine they might show up to present a united front. As that is not happening, assume the entire thing is a bullshit act meant to help Donald Trump set the narrative for what will otherwise be a very bad day for him.

The New York Times reported last night that the White House has already been briefed on significant portions of the report, because Bill Barr is a rightwing scam artist piece of shit who gives the Trump White House reacharounds. The briefings have reportedly been very helpful for the White House in coming up with how to rebut today's report, which is funny because we thought Trump said this report was a full exoneration, NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION. (Actually nope on both counts, since Mueller didn't decide the obstruction question, and even according to Barr's mash notes, he took a very limited view of the conspiracy question, focusing on the Russian government's hack and dump WikiLeaks operation.)

Anyway, assuming Trump is right about full exoneration, we guess Rudy Giuliani's rebuttal will state that Trump is guilty, full stop. Because that's what "rebuttal" means, correct?

Committee chairs in the House including Jerry Nadler, Adam Schiff and Maxine Waters have called upon Bill Barr to cancel today's briefing, as it is useless horseshit. Because Barr literally gives zero fucks about his reputation and apparently is OK with going down in history as a fecal stain on our institutions and the rule of law, the show will go on.

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popular

Now What? Wonkagenda For Thurs., April 18, 2019

Bill Barr's book report, the NRA is doomed, and Johnny Cash will watch over the Capitol. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Culture Wars

Hey Aaron Schock, What'd You Find Down That Dude's Pants At Coachella?

DICK, I RECKON!

AIN'T THIS JUST ALWAYS THE WAY?

You're a young-ish gay bro with a smokin' hot body, and you've gone to Coachella with your young-ish gay bro friends with smokin-hot bodies (you are WeHo gays, because of course you are). Your shirts are off, you're glistening with sweat as you grind to the music, maaaaaaaybe there are some illegal drugs coursing through your veins and some poppers in your fanny pack for later, and before you know it somebody puts a picture of you on the internet with your tongue in some dude's mouth and your hands down his pants. Whatcha lookin' for in there, young-ish gay bro with the smokin' hot body? Buried treasure? Or maybe just D-I-K? (Not gonna lie, we have been in similar situations.)

Did we mention you are Aaron Schock, former anti-gay congressman from Peoria, Illinois, the quote-unquote "metrosexual" dude who resigned in disgrace in a corruption scandal and proceeded to be indicted in 2016 on 24 counts? (The one who you -- different "you," Editrix Rebecca "you," not the Aaron Schock "you" -- had thought was already out of the closet and didn't understand why this was a post, and you were like "why is this a post, Evan, dude isn't even in Congress anymore, so, he kissed a guy, big fuckin' whoop" and THEN you realized that oh, that bitch has been lying this whooooole time, and in fact was still "metrosexual" and "straight" and "a big fucking gaybasher" up until now:thirty? -- Ed.)

Well, far be it from us to say people shouldn't have second chances, or that there's anything wrong with throwin' hips with a gay bro of the same gender -- or several in the same weekend! -- but on the same day when the first legitimately openly gay presidential candidate is being mocked by protesters dressing up as him and BEATING JESUS CHRIST (because that's what gays do!) and screaming at him about Sodom and Gomorrah, we kind of give a shit.

Smile, Aaron Schock, you seem to be on candid camera!

OH RLY?

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Congress

Is It Physically Possible To Be Worse Than Ryan Zinke?

Interior Department inspectors are already JUST CURIOUS!

Less than 24 hours after he was confirmed as Interior Secretary on Thursday, David Bernhardt was facing multiple ethics investigations for shaping federal environmental policy to benefit his former clients. And for covering it up, of course. He's no Scott "Jizz Mattress" Pruitt, but Bernhardt's strong entry puts him in pole position to overtake his predecessor Ryan Zinke in the Swampland Olympiad. Dream Big, Swamp Man!

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White Nonsense

Immigrant Andrew Sullivan Haaaaate Immigrants. How Ever Could That Be?

Not , fond of black people either. Take it away Zerlina Maxwell!

Andrew Sullivan is a vocal opponent of Donald Trump, but maybe all he really disapproves of is the president's fondness for Big Macs. Like David Frum, he mostly agrees with Trump on his signature issue, immigration. Both Frum and Sullivan are themselves immigrants but the white kind that ensures cultural stability in a nation that has technically always been multicultural. Last year, Sullivan wrote a piece for New York Magazine explaining why we should start worrying and love WALL. This month, Sullivan again called for WALL because it would give white people a sense of security like a racist child's blanket. He also wants to limit immigration, specifically from brown people too rude to ask true Americans if they mind further dilution of the nation's white potency.

Sullivan has been a not-so-stealth white supremacist for as long as black people have been disappointed to discover copies of "The Bell Curve" on their white friends' bookshelves. Still, he took it all to next-level grossness during his appearance Tuesday night on "Hardball with Chris Matthews." Sullivan and former RNC chair Michael Steele were discussing how Trump would run for re-election on a platform of bald-faced lies about Democrats. Then Zerlina Maxwell had the audacity to make words with her black lady mouth.

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Education

Paul Ryan To Burn Down Notre Dame (University)

He's got fire in the belly!

In a dazzling demonstration of failing upwards, Paul Ryan has secured himself a sweet teaching gig at the University of Notre Dame for the 2019-2020 academic year, the university announced Monday. The former speaker of the House and devotee of starving grannies for their own good will be a guest lecturer in economics and politics. Ryan is one of three "professor-of-the-practice" appointments, and will teach on "the fundamentals of American government, the current state of political polarization, and Catholicism and economics, among other topics."

Sounds like a good fit -- if anyone has practice in political polarization, it'd be the guy who dreamed of dismantling the social safety net since he was attending fraternity beer parties in college.

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popular

Republicans Push Against Vaccines In Middle Of Epidemic, Because F*ck Science And F*ck YOU!

If they let 'science' win this one, what's next?

The CDC has confirmed 555 cases of measles this year -- 90 in the last week alone -- making this the second largest outbreak since the disease was declared "eliminated" in the United States in 2000. The largest was in 2013, when an outbreak that started at Disneyland led to 667 confirmed cases of the disease. Two more weeks like last week and 2013 is getting knocked right out of the park. Heck, maybe we could end up with measles killing 1200 children, as is happening in Madagascar RIGHT NOW.

Anyone with half a brain might think, "Hey, this is bad! We should probably do some stuff to make sure this outbreak doesn't spread!" -- and that's exactly what Democrats across the country are doing right now. They are pushing legislation that makes it harder for parents to send their kids to school without getting them vaccinated first. This seems a lot nicer than sending them to some kind of quarantined island like the one Henry Fonda and Bette Davis had to go to at the end of Jezebel because he got Yellow Fever and she had to go with him in order to atone for having worn a red dress one time.

Predictably, Arthur Allen of Politico points out, opposition to this kind of life-saving legislation has come from the Republicans, and Republicans in states like Mississippi and West Virginia are currently pushing for more exemptions from laws requiring you to vaccinate your kids.

Mississippi, by the way, has the worst doctor shortage situation in the country, so why not throw a measles outbreak into the mix? What could possibly go wrong?

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News

Fox Two-Timing With Bernie Sanders And Donald Trump Is PISSED

More perfectly rational behavior from the Commander in Chief.

Donald Trump isn't happy that Fox News hosted a town hall for Bernie Sanders and let him leave with all his limbs. He whined about it on Twitter for most of Tuesday. First, there was the general question of why Sanders was even on the friendly state media outlet that tells him what bills to sign.

President Surfer Dude thinks it's, like, sooo weird that Sanders would try to reach the cranky old white people demo. He suggests that Bret Baier assembled an "audience" (no, we don't know either) of shiny, happy Stepford residents. He ignores co-moderator Martha MacCallum and ends with a non-sequitur dig at former DNC chair Donna Brazile. Trump's always boasting about the record low black unemployment rate, so he really shouldn't begrudge the sister having a job, even if it is on Fox.

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Legal

AG Bill Barr Welcomes Your Huddled Masses TO JAIL

Next, they'll declare Hillary Clinton an asylum seeker.

Attorney General William Barr would like to remind you that fuxxoring the Mueller report isn't his only duty as AG, even if that does remain his first love. Yesterday, Barr issued an order telling immigration courts that certain classes of people seeking asylum in the USA have to be kept locked up until their asylum cases are decided, and therefore cannot apply for release on bond. Does the Executive Branch have that power? You bet your due-process-loving ass it acts like it does, because the immigration courts are run by the Department of "Justice," not the judicial branch. Whether Barr's ruling is constitutional is another matter, and the American Civil Liberties Union is gearing up to challenge the ruling in court as soon as possible.

We'll let the New York Times 'splainer how Barr's order attempts to remake a huge part of immigration law so that some asylum seekers can be jailed forever:

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News

Tucker Carlson's New Bonermaker: 'Pete Buttigieg Dressed As Can Of Slutty Dinty Moore Beef Stew'

Class, Tucker Carlson has issues again.

If you are a man or a lady of letters, and are also versed in all internet traditions, you are likely aware of the famous satirical online web essay "Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?" It's a monologue from The Onion, in the voice of a man who is just really fine with gay guys, he's just fine, but he's not gay, which leads to the conundrum in question. It's just that "wherever [he goes] these days" -- locker rooms, cruising spots in the woods -- he'd be just shooting the breeze, and before he knew it, a homosexual was sucking his cock! The narrator ends by saying that he really doesn't want to do this, but if it keeps happening, he's going to have to teach those homosexuals a lesson by fuckin' them right in their gay butt!

We wanted that great work of internet to be on your mind as you watch this video of Tucker Carlson talking about Pete Buttigieg last night. The words in all caps below the video are the actual words he said, and the clip is only eight seconds long, but luckily, it's looped, so that you may watch it for the rest of your natural life, if you so choose:

THEY WANT TO CONSUME HIM LIKE A HEARTY STEW.

EVERY LAST DROP OF BUTTIGIEG.

YUM.

THEY'RE ALL IN.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez apparently has the day off from living rent-free in Tucker Carlson's disturbing psychosexual fantasies, and the role will be played by her understudy Pete Buttigieg dressed up for Halloween as a can of Slutty Dinty Moore Beef Stew.

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Culture

A Very Smart Post About Evangelicals, Trump, Michele Bachmann, AND A SURPRISE

It's so good, you're gonna love it so much.

Whoa hey you guys, blast from the past, but Michele Bachmann A) is still a tree that falls in the forest even if literally nobody is around to hear it make a sound and B) TIMBERRRRRRRR!

She was on one o' them prophesyin' radio shows, little outfit called "Understanding the Times," and she said:

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Environment

Elizabeth Warren Has A Fever, And The Only Prescription Is THIS POLICY!

Elizabeth Warren policy proposal: Public Lands Edition!

In yet another policy proposal -- she just can't seem to stop herself! -- Elizabeth Warren pledges to fix the damage Donald Trump has done to America's public lands, and then some. Restoring the national monuments Trump cut back to almost nothing (so they could be mined and drilled for oil) is just a start. Warren promises to sign an executive order her first day in office to end offshore oil drilling. Might not be quite as sexy as taxing the super rich, but it's a beautiful proposal for class warfare on interests that have been despoiling our natural resources and making the planet uninhabitable. Plus, it's going to piss off the Bundy family no end, so that's nice, too.

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popular

Wonkagenda For Wed., April 17, Is All You!

So, nu?

Dom's out sick, and we're not sure that's legal!

Which means NO WONKAGENDA TODAY, except whatever tabs I've got open and what you leave in the comments. My don't we have fun!

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