Donate

John Roberts Not Our Real Dad, Can't Make Us Be Nice. Impeachment Trial Liveblog, Day Two!

Hola! Time for the opening arguments part of the impeachment trial of Donald John Trump.

Late last night after we went to bed, apparently there was some kind of dust-up where Jerry Nadler and the Democrats were tired of the constant lying and bullshit from Donald Trump's lying bullshit lawyers, and Trump assface lawyer Pat Cipollone acted like a real dick too, and Chief Justice John Roberts felt the need to "admonish" both sides like a common Chuck Todd and "remember [you] are addressing the world's greatest deliberative body." (Objection! Asserts facts not in evidence.) Roberts even pulled an olden-timey term out of the spare gavel he keeps inside his bottom (allegedly), and referenced a 1905 impeachment trial where a guy got in big trouble for "pettifogging."

For the record, this is all Jerry Nadler said that was supposedly so bad:

"Either you want the truth and you must permit the witnesses or you want a shameful cover-up. History will judge and so will the electorate," Nadler argued.

Whatever, that is just true.

Anyway, John Roberts is not our real dad and not your real dad either and he can't tell us what to do, so we will not be nice, and we'll continue calling Trump's lawyers the lying loser assholes they are, making jokes all the way about how they are booger-staining their careers for all eternity and will be remembered in the history books just like that, as booger-stains.

Also they are bad at TV.

Shall we watch the opening arguments together? Democrats start things off, for the next three days or so probably, after which Trump's lawyers will fill up to 12 hours of opening arguments by lying and yelling "PERFECT CALL!" or something. We don't envy their position, having to defend the world's stupidest criminal.

Keep reading...

Mitch McConnell Makes Turtle-Piddle All Over Trump Impeachment Trial (Liveblog, Day One!)

Good afternoon from the United States Capitol, where we Not Are! The Senate impeachment trial of Donald John Trump commences today, and we are ready for the shitshow, we guess!

In the dead of night last night, Moscow Mitch McConnell finally released his proposed Senate rules, and oh boy, we guess he's just decided he wants to do cover-ups for Trump in plain sight. In short, it's Merrick Garland all over again, and if you don't like it, or if you DO like fair trials and democracy and our American experiment, you can go fuck yourself with McConnell's spare turtle shell.

Here are some highlights of the proposed rules:

1. MAYBE they will admit the House's evidentiary record on Trump in the Senate trial, MAYBE THEY WON'T. They'll just have to vote on that. Wonder what McConnell's trying to hide.

2. Sure, the House gets 24 hours to present its case against Trump, and so do Trump's lawyers. Those 24 hours must happen over the course of only two days, and with the trial starting at 1 p.m. Eastern each day, that means Mitch McConnell would like as much of this to happen in the dead of night as possible. Wonder what McConnell's trying to hide.

3. Maybe after that they will vote on some witnesses. Maybe.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is pissed, and calls McConnell's rules a "national disgrace."

Oh hey, did you hear the Trump White House is losing a ton of sleep and pooping its pants over the possibility of John Bolton testifying, so according to the Washington Post, they are thinking maybe they will get any eventual Bolton testimony to happen -- wait for it -- in a CLASSIFIED ROOM -- and they will do that for -- wait for it -- NATIONAL SECURITY PURPOSES.

You know, because that wasn't OK when the House was doing depositions during the impeachment inquiry (to keep witnesses from coordinating their stories), but it is OK when you are trying to do cover-ups for Donald Trump.

Of course, it's funny, because the Post article reads as if this is a decision the Trump White House feels it has the authority to make, which would mean Mitch McConnell is just going to give them the authority to make it.

Mitch McConnell is already talking, so let's just start the liveblog and we'll fill you in on other things as we go.

Keep reading...

Trump Campaign Manager, Data Guru Very Bad At Campaigning, Data

It's admittedly a challenge to run Donald Trump's re-election campaign. He's just now through his first term, and his most significant legislative achievement is his own impeachment. Unfortunately, Trump's campaign manager is Brad Parscale, who according to our legal experts is a "shameless hustler." Parscale and his beard, which is mostly house trained, visited Fox News studios Monday to peddle fact-less "data." It didn't go well.

Parscale triumphantly informed Fox's Bill Hemmer that Trump is an unstoppable electoral behemoth. He's got amazing numbers among all the key demos Republicans don't actively prevent from voting.

PARSCALE: The numbers are up. You can look at things like Rasmussen, which was right in 2016. Every standard we have in measuring what's going on with the president and trying to win victory in 2020 we're doing better.

Yes, he said "win victory." That must be their stretch goal. They only "won defeat" last time. This time they're going for the popular vote, as well as the Electoral College. Parscale's problem, though, is that he's "measuring what's going on" using "every standard" but math. Hemmer confronted Parscale with "numbers" and not commie numbers from CNN but numbers from a Fox News poll of suburban voters. Those are numbers that stand for the national anthem.

Keep reading...

Parnas and Bondy: Not The Heroes We Asked For, But Maybe The Heroes We Got?

If the only way to survive the Trump administration is to keep resisting no matter how tired we get, then the combination of Lev Parnas and his attorney Joseph Bondy could be just what we need. When everything is crazy all the time and the riptide of normalization threatens to pull us under, maybe we need a wackass chucklefucker and his dead-eyed weed lawyer to shout, "Hey, snap out of it, this shit ain't right!" as they hurl a life preserver at our heads. Not because they can stop the tide, of course, but to jolt us back awake before we sink into the miasma of corruption.

It is in that spirit that we should view the latest salvo from Bondy asking Attorney General Bill Barr to recuse himself from Parnas's campaign finance case and appoint a special prosecutor. Not because it's likely to work with Barr or US District Judge J. Paul Oetken, but because it draws a giant arrow toward the gross impropriety at the Justice Department which gets buried under the daily avalanche of Trump corruption.

Keep reading...
2016 Presidential Election

Jeff Bezos Responds To MBS Phone Hack By Setting Saudi Arabia On Fire

Sorry to interrupt your impeachment, but HOLY SHIT!

Cheeky bastards! Saudi Arabia's Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) seems to have personally sent malware to Jeff Bezos's phone after the Washington Post, which Bezos owns, hired Saudi critic Jamal Khashoggi as a columnist. The Saudi government then stole all Bezos's data. Then, after Khashoggi was murdered by MBS's assassins provoking outrage at the Post, the crown prince texted Bezos a photo which strongly resembled the woman he was having an affair with. So it looks like Bezos was exactly right when he accused the National Enquirer of conspiring with the Saudi government to blackmail him with details of the affair. And if, as it would not be crazy to speculate, Mohammed bin Salman used Israeli malware to hack not just Jeff Bezos but Jared Kushner as well, then he will be responsible for the murder of Jamal Khashoggi and irony itself.

Got all that? No? Okay, let's unpack.

This morning, the UN Office of the High Commissioner for Human Rights issued a report on the Saudi hack of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos's phone. Agnes Callamard, UN Special Rapporteur on summary executions and extrajudicial killings, and David Kaye, UN Special Rapporteur on freedom of expression, described "the possible involvement of the Crown Prince in surveillance of Mr. Bezos, in an effort to influence, if not silence, The Washington Post's reporting on Saudi Arabia." Which sounds somewhat speculative, but their timeline is highly specific.

Keep reading...
Impeachment

John Roberts Not Our Real Dad, Can't Make Us Be Nice. Impeachment Trial Liveblog, Day Two!

'Pettifogging.' PFFFFFFFFT.

Hola! Time for the opening arguments part of the impeachment trial of Donald John Trump.

Late last night after we went to bed, apparently there was some kind of dust-up where Jerry Nadler and the Democrats were tired of the constant lying and bullshit from Donald Trump's lying bullshit lawyers, and Trump assface lawyer Pat Cipollone acted like a real dick too, and Chief Justice John Roberts felt the need to "admonish" both sides like a common Chuck Todd and "remember [you] are addressing the world's greatest deliberative body." (Objection! Asserts facts not in evidence.) Roberts even pulled an olden-timey term out of the spare gavel he keeps inside his bottom (allegedly), and referenced a 1905 impeachment trial where a guy got in big trouble for "pettifogging."

For the record, this is all Jerry Nadler said that was supposedly so bad:

"Either you want the truth and you must permit the witnesses or you want a shameful cover-up. History will judge and so will the electorate," Nadler argued.

Whatever, that is just true.

Anyway, John Roberts is not our real dad and not your real dad either and he can't tell us what to do, so we will not be nice, and we'll continue calling Trump's lawyers the lying loser assholes they are, making jokes all the way about how they are booger-staining their careers for all eternity and will be remembered in the history books just like that, as booger-stains.

Also they are bad at TV.

Shall we watch the opening arguments together? Democrats start things off, for the next three days or so probably, after which Trump's lawyers will fill up to 12 hours of opening arguments by lying and yelling "PERFECT CALL!" or something. We don't envy their position, having to defend the world's stupidest criminal.

Keep reading...
Nice Time

Nice Time: Virginia To Stop Celebrating Slave-Owning Traitors!

Now go out and vote on your shiny new Election Day holiday!

The Virginia Senate just voted to end the abomination that was Lee-Jackson Day. This was a state holiday commemorating Robert E. Lee and Thomas J. "Stonewall" Jackson. Both men fought on the asshole side of the Civil War. Lee enjoyed the holiday as a solo act starting in 1899. That was just 24 years after he surrendered at Appomattox, Virginia. "Stonewall" Jackson joined the party in 1904. In somewhat related news, the Virginia Senate is now led by Democrats. (Not the Civil War kind.)

Lee-Jackson Day was merely an insult to Virginia's black population until 1983, when it also became an exercise in pettiness. That's when the Virginia legislature merged the holiday with the new federal holiday for Martin Luther King, who neither owned slaves nor waged bloody war against the United States. It was billed as "Lee-Jackson-King Day" in supposed honor of "defenders of causes," one racist and treasonous, the other actually reflective of America at its best. This went on until 2000 when the two holidays were finally separated. Lee-Jackson Day was observed the Friday before MLK Day, so Virginians could kick off their four-day weekend with a Civil War-themed parade and a gala ball! Fiddle-dee-dee, Miss Scarlett!

Keep reading...
Gay Stuff

'Kill The Gays' Bill Pastor Scott Lively Declares Self Most Persecuted Man In America

And it's all Saul Alinsky's fault.

Back in 2009, Scott Lively and two other American pastors held a big conference in Uganda in order to tell government officials all about how evil gay people are, how they maybe were responsible for the entire Rwandan genocide, how they wanted to destroy families, and how best to make them all straight. It took five years, and changing "execution" to "life imprisonment," but Uganda finally passed the Kill the Gays bill introduced immediately after Lively's big trip. (For the record, Lively thought the whole execution thing was a bit excessive although he agreed "with the general goal.")

If Scott Lively is known for one thing, he is known for really hating gay people. It is his entire personal brand. He wrote a book called The Pink Swastika in which he claimed that gay people were the ones who invented Nazism and then decided to throw themselves into concentration camps for being gay. And these are the titles of his other books!

Seven Steps to Recruit-Proof Your Child: A Parent's Guide to Protecting Children from Homosexuality and the "Gay" Movement (1998)
Why and How to Defeat the "Gay" Movement (2000)
Redeeming the Rainbow: A Christian Response to the "Gay" Agenda (2009)

As you can see, he has committed to this bit. He's not out there talking about other aspects of Christianity or writing books about the joys of model train collecting. If you Google him, pretty much all that comes up are the terrible things he has said about gay people. Although, to be fair, he did call for the death penalty for performing abortions last month and also once got a nice thrill up his leg from an explosion at a strip club in which 18 people were injured. That is about as diversified as his personality portfolio gets.

In addition to blaming gay people for the Holocaust, he also blames them for Noah's Flood, claimed that Barack Obama was previously married to a man (his Muslim Pakistani roommate no less), and bragged about helping to craft Russia's anti-gay law, calling it the "proudest achievement" of his career.

Why am I telling you all these things about Scott Lively right now? Because Scott Lively has officially declared himself the most persecuted man in all of America.

Keep reading...
Politics

Trump Gets Spanked By North Korean Dictator, Apparently Likes It

Please clap.

Yesterday North Korea announced that, in light of America's failure to lift "brutal and inhumane" sanctions, the country will no longer be bound by any previous commitments to reduce nuclear and missile testing. Two years into their torrid love affair, the Dotard and Little Rocket Man are back to square one. Except now we've legitimated the North Korean dictator with a visit by the US president and canceled joint military exercises with South Korea so ... square negative 38?

Hey, remember that har-har-hilarious time last February when Donald Trump lurched out to the Rose Garden to announce that he'd been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by his good friend Shinzo Abe, Japan's prime minister?

"He said: 'I have nominated you, respectfully, on behalf of Japan. I am asking them to give you the Nobel Peace Prize.' I said, 'Thank you,'" Trump bragged. But he seems to have left out one teeny, tiny detail. He must have forgotten to mention that the White House asked the Japanese government to nominate Trump after President Arty McDeals "successfully" managed to convince North Korea to give up its nukes. (Spoiler Alert ...)

Keep reading...
Post-Racial America

Angry White People With Guns Is Fulfillment Of MLK's Dream, Says Really Dumb Person

Did everyone forget that MLK was shot?

Monday was Martin Luther King Day, and some creeps thought this was an ideal time to protest reasonable gun safety laws in Virginia. Dr. King was the leader of a prominent non-violent movement. He changed the world without pulling a gun. Then a racist shot and killed him. Guns and Dr. King's legacy don't mix positively. However, Antonia Okafor Cover, spokesperson for Gun Owners of America, turned up on "Fox & Friends" Tuesday and suggested that the gun rally was the culmination of Dr. King's "dream." This was because it was not overtly a white supremacist rally.

COVER: This was by far, hands down, the worst white supremacist rally I have ever seen. There were people shaking my hand. I mean, they even let me speak, for goodness sake. So, it's almost as if MLK's dream to see that people judge people based on the content of their character and not the color of their skin had actually become reality,

First place, people of different races uniting to publicly hump guns was not in any way Dr. King's dream. He actively opposed the Vietnam War, which was an inclusive expression of American violence. There was more to Dr. King's dream than people being judged based not on the color of their skin but the content of their 45 calibers. He also dreamed that Mississippi would be transformed into an "oasis of freedom and justice." There's clearly still work to do.

Keep reading...
2020 presidential election

Liz Warren Unveils Plan To Remove Trump Stench From White House Curtains

This all sounds so nice let's vote for her twice!

On the first day of Donald Trump's sham impeachment trial, Elizabeth Warren unveiled her plan to fumigate the White House once he's finally gone. This probably won't happen until the next election, but the plan still works even if Mother's little helper, Mike Pence, is the GOP nominee. Her proposals are detailed on her website under the weighty title Restoring Integrity and Competence to Government After Trump. We like to call it Lizzie Warren's Remove The Stench Plan.

WARREN: One year from today, the next president will begin her first full day of work. She will be inheriting a government in crisis: from children in cages at detention facilities near the border to a reckless foreign policy that endangers our country and a bigoted ban on travelers from Muslim-majority countries, our country will be in desperate need of immediate course correction.

It's awesome how Warren refers to the next president with a feminine pronoun. She's narrowed the race down to herself and Amy Klobuchar, just like the New York Times. What comes first in President "Fuck, Yeah!" Warren's "course correction"? Firings and lots of them! It's a regular Saturday night massacre, except possibly on Thursday because sometimes things just happen on Thursday. Warren said she'll ask for the resignations of all Trump's political appointees on day one of her administration. That includes 93 US attorneys. She promises to keep around anyone "necessary to preserve continuity and protect national security," but that's only Jared Kushner's pet hamster.

Keep reading...
Religion

Rude Church Kicks Out All The Old People In Hopes Of Attracting Young Hep Cats

Jesus didn't trust anyone over thirty. That's why he died around that age.

This June, the Grove United Methodist Church in Cottage Grove, Minnesota, will close its doors.

In November, it will open them back up, but they won't be welcoming back any of their current parishioners on account of how they are too old and uncool. The church is hoping to get hip young parents to join up and thinks they will start coming in as long as there aren't any old people there, olding up the place. You know, so they can all learn good Christian lessons about loving one's neighbor (except if they are old, because ew).

While the former parishioners will not be "physically barred" from coming into the new church (how nice!), they were sent a memo asking them not to come back, and suggesting that they stay away for two years and then, after that, they can consult the pastor about "reapplying." How very holy! And Christlike!

Keep reading...
News

Study Reveals After You Die, You KNOW YOU ARE DEAD! (Applicable If You Are Jesus Only.) Tabs, Wed., Jan. 22, 2020

TABS FOR SALE!

Keep reading...
Impeachment

Mitch McConnell Makes Turtle-Piddle All Over Trump Impeachment Trial (Liveblog, Day One!)

You seen McConnell's so-called proposed 'rules'? It's Merrick Garland all over again!

Good afternoon from the United States Capitol, where we Not Are! The Senate impeachment trial of Donald John Trump commences today, and we are ready for the shitshow, we guess!

In the dead of night last night, Moscow Mitch McConnell finally released his proposed Senate rules, and oh boy, we guess he's just decided he wants to do cover-ups for Trump in plain sight. In short, it's Merrick Garland all over again, and if you don't like it, or if you DO like fair trials and democracy and our American experiment, you can go fuck yourself with McConnell's spare turtle shell.

Here are some highlights of the proposed rules:

1. MAYBE they will admit the House's evidentiary record on Trump in the Senate trial, MAYBE THEY WON'T. They'll just have to vote on that. Wonder what McConnell's trying to hide.

2. Sure, the House gets 24 hours to present its case against Trump, and so do Trump's lawyers. Those 24 hours must happen over the course of only two days, and with the trial starting at 1 p.m. Eastern each day, that means Mitch McConnell would like as much of this to happen in the dead of night as possible. Wonder what McConnell's trying to hide.

3. Maybe after that they will vote on some witnesses. Maybe.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is pissed, and calls McConnell's rules a "national disgrace."

Oh hey, did you hear the Trump White House is losing a ton of sleep and pooping its pants over the possibility of John Bolton testifying, so according to the Washington Post, they are thinking maybe they will get any eventual Bolton testimony to happen -- wait for it -- in a CLASSIFIED ROOM -- and they will do that for -- wait for it -- NATIONAL SECURITY PURPOSES.

You know, because that wasn't OK when the House was doing depositions during the impeachment inquiry (to keep witnesses from coordinating their stories), but it is OK when you are trying to do cover-ups for Donald Trump.

Of course, it's funny, because the Post article reads as if this is a decision the Trump White House feels it has the authority to make, which would mean Mitch McConnell is just going to give them the authority to make it.

Mitch McConnell is already talking, so let's just start the liveblog and we'll fill you in on other things as we go.

Keep reading...
Impeachment

Alan Dershowitz Is Keeping His Panties On For This Impeachment, So Don't Even Bother Asking

Why is he STILL TALKING?

It's Dershowitz v. Dershowitz, in the nudist-on-nudist Fox pundit grudge match absolutely no one asked for. Get your tickets now for a ringside seat, with unlimited whining at the after-party. Or you could stay home and put the relaxer on your home perm if you want to get really wild!

This week we learned that distinguished Harvard Law professor emeritus Alan Dershowitz will take a break from his busy schedule of shouting crazy shit on Fox and writing weirdass editorials about KEEPING HIS PANTIES ON, DAMMIT, to defend Trump at the senate impeachment "trial." Whether as a witness or counsel for the defense is unclear. Also unclear is whether Prof. Dershowitz is aware of the Google and its magical ability to find television clips from the turn of the millennia when we last went through a presidential impeachment.

Keep reading...
Class War

Study: People Somehow Less Jazzed About Capitalism These Days

Why ever would that be?

We have now reached a point at which a very large chunk of our population never lived through the Cold War, never did duck-and-cover drills to prepare for nuclear war — but rather did them to prepare for school shooters. We're at a point in our history where people in their twenties lived through the financial crisis, the bailouts, years of Republicans trying to scare people about Obama by screaming about how he is a socialist, and then the other years of being told that things like health care and child care and education and public transportation and not drowning in student loans and poor people having enough to eat are all "socialism." People in their 30s, like me, lived through that times NAFTA.

Is it any wonder that "But that would be SOCIALISM!" does not have the teeth it once did?

According to Edelman's 2020 Trust Barometer, not only do most people feel as though the rich keep getting richer while everyone else gets screwed, they're also not all that fond of capitalism in general anymore. In fact, 56 percent of the world thinks capitalism does more harm than good.

Keep reading...
News

Hillary Clinton Fires Up The Great Reliving Of 2016, Because That Sh*t Was Missing For Sure

Oh girl nooooooooooo.

Hillary Clinton, she said some stuff. She said it to The Hollywood Reporter, which was interviewing her about her coming campaign doc, which looks pretty good but I probably won't watch it because evenings are for NOT POLITICS YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.

(Except this week, when we get to liveblog whatever midnight shenanigans Mitch McConnell is up to after Evan taps out for the night.)

Most of the interview is unobjectionable, unless you object to "has talked to Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar and answered their questions about 'campaign'" or "yes, still loves her husband." But then she took a pretty large shit on Bernard Sanders Esquire. No fucks left to give? For sure on that! Helpful? Oh Hilllllllzzzzz.

Keep reading...
SCOTUS

Say Goodbye To Your Little Friends!

We are talking about birth control pills.

Fun news! (Not fun news.) The battle over birth control continues and Supreme Court is going to hear Hobby Lobby Redux this term.

On Friday, the Supreme Court granted cert in Pennsylvania v. Trump and Little Sisters of the Poor v. Pennsylvania, a pair of cases about whether employers can refuse to give their employees insurance with birth control coverage.

Yes, this again. Because the third time to the Supreme Court's the charm!

Keep reading...
fox news

Trump Campaign Manager, Data Guru Very Bad At Campaigning, Data

Fox News actually proved a 'no-spin zone' for Brad Parscale.

It's admittedly a challenge to run Donald Trump's re-election campaign. He's just now through his first term, and his most significant legislative achievement is his own impeachment. Unfortunately, Trump's campaign manager is Brad Parscale, who according to our legal experts is a "shameless hustler." Parscale and his beard, which is mostly house trained, visited Fox News studios Monday to peddle fact-less "data." It didn't go well.

Parscale triumphantly informed Fox's Bill Hemmer that Trump is an unstoppable electoral behemoth. He's got amazing numbers among all the key demos Republicans don't actively prevent from voting.

PARSCALE: The numbers are up. You can look at things like Rasmussen, which was right in 2016. Every standard we have in measuring what's going on with the president and trying to win victory in 2020 we're doing better.

Yes, he said "win victory." That must be their stretch goal. They only "won defeat" last time. This time they're going for the popular vote, as well as the Electoral College. Parscale's problem, though, is that he's "measuring what's going on" using "every standard" but math. Hemmer confronted Parscale with "numbers" and not commie numbers from CNN but numbers from a Fox News poll of suburban voters. Those are numbers that stand for the national anthem.

Keep reading...
Feminininism

NYT Throws Harvey Weinstein A Good Old Fashioned Pity Party

Yes, that Harvey Weinstein.

Apropos of Harvey Weinstein's trial starting on Wednesday, The New York Times decided to run an article on Monday centered on how very sad and scared he is that he may go to prison for one or two of the many, many grotesque sexual assaults he has been accused of — not to mention how difficult it is for him to go anywhere without people looking at him like he is Harvey Weinstein or something.

While there's nothing wrong with starting out the week with a healthy dose of Schadenfreude, this was not that. Rather, it appeared to be attempting to elicit some amount of sympathy for Harvey Weinstein, yes that Harvey Weinstein, who is now mostly friendless and in the bell jar. Which, well, good luck with that.

The article, titled Harvey Weinstein's Dark Days, begins by painting a picture. A picture of a near-defeated man at the worst point in his life. The kind of man one might feel very bad for were he not (allegedly) a sex predator.

Keep reading...
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)