(PSSST *Grandma* Wonkette's Pineapple Orange Cranberry Sauce Is Better, Actually)

For years now -- seven at least, suckers -- we have been making Aunt Wonkette's Real Cranberry Business. It's great! (Needs more sugar. Not Oprah-level four damn cups, but one would be nice.) But last year, we did not do that. We wanted pineapple, which we almost always have on hand ever since your comrade Vegan & Peeara or whatever she is named these days told us while we visited her in Charleston that pineapples are symbols of hospitality.

So fuck it, we did it live!

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F*ck It, Let's Eat Pie: The Sarah Josepha Hale Story

As we near the dawn of, well, Trump not being president anymore, the big question on the minds of would-be pundits is "But what are we going to do about the division? America is divided! The only way things can get better is if we're not divided! Maybe a good idea would be to appoint Mitt Romney and John Kasich to key Cabinet positions? What if we all got matching flag pins? How about if we keep saying 'We all want the same things, we just have different ideas about how to get there?' over and over again?"

Well, there is nothing new under the sun, and no one demonstrates that better than Sara Josepha Hale, the lady who wrote "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and is also largely responsible for Thanksgiving being an official holiday.

While the first Thanksgiving did happen in Plymouth, Massachusetts, in 1691, they didn't actually call it that and it didn't become a national holiday until much, much later. It was celebrated regionally in various New England states like Massachusetts, but not really all over the country. Various presidents issued official days of thanks for various reasons, until Thomas Jefferson got all "Ooh, I don't know guys, seems like a violation of church and state to me" about things.

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Celebrate Randy Quaid Day With Crazy Wizard Video You Didn't Know You Needed

Everybody's favorite one-term president had a rough time on the toilet this morning, so he did what every thoroughly defeated wanna-be autocrat has always done in such a situation, he retweeted Randy Quaid about a billion times. The Rat King is very concerned that Republicans aren't listening to the soul of their party, a documented and highly powerful WIZARD:

Now you might remember Randy Quaid from his breakaway hit, Being Arrested In Vermont As A Felony Fugitive (2015, People Of Vermont), but he is actually most famous for being actor Dennis Quaid's older, wiser, more wizardy brother. Hahaha, just kidding, he is REALLY most famous for his sublime representation of Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation 2: Eddie's Island Adventure (2003, NBC), and also Cousin Eddie in Vegas Vacation (1997, Warner Brothers), Cousin Eddie in Vacation (1983, National Lampoon), and Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation 1: The One That Doesn't Suck (1989, Warner Brothers). He was also in a couple other things, playing a drunk ex-pilot version of Cousin Eddie in Independence Day (1996, FOX), and an Amish version of Cousin Eddie in Kingpin (1996, MGM). He also recently starred in a Wonkette Post, What Are Tinfoil Hatters Saying About Coronavirus.

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Emily Murphy To Let Joe Biden Have His Precious Transition If You're All Going To Be SO MEAN ABOUT IT

Can someone get General Services Administrator Emily Murphy a pacifier? And a blanket, and a bottle, and her favorite teddy, and maybe a pudding cup if she promises to stop whining so the country can get some work done?

Yesterday, the government official whose IRL job is to greenlight transition planning finally allowed the process to begin. A mere two weeks after Biden's victory became a mathematical certainty, and just shy of three weeks since the election itself, she's acceded to objective reality and "ascertained" that Biden is the apparent winner. And she did it in a breathtakingly self-indulgent letter in which she praised her own integrity while complaining mightily about having to do her damn job.

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Nice Time

Buy Nothing Today! Unless You Really Want To Buy This!

How your commie T-shirts are made.

Hey you guys wanna watch some long, inane, let's call them "meditative" videos, of my son pressing a shirt and burping, and me wrapping packages? YOU DO?????

You are funny. Click through, they are in a "thread"!

Rebecca, you are saying, why your factory is such a mess? Shut up, I explained!

And that brings us to your Black Friday/Buy Nothing Day post by me, showcasing items from our Wonkette Bazaar, that go to pay my son a frickin' hefty hourly rate — he's a nice boy, but even un-nice boys and nice and un-nice un-boys should earn a frickin' hefty hourly rate — and also subsidizes our Wonkette thingie, with the writers and the health care and the making of a living wage. Also the US Post Office! They get about $10,000 a year from me, on average, and I'm FUCKIN' PSYCHED to give it to them! I LOVE YOU POST OFFICE!

Except for Louis DeJoy, who will be gone soon and can eat my ass.

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Culture

Wholesome American Guts: Your William S. Burroughs Thanksgiving Prayer 2020

For John Dillinger, in hope he is still alive.

Yr Wonkette began posting this Thanksgiving Prayer by William S. Burroughs and Gus Van Sant back in 2006, and quite a few things have changed since then. The deadpan list of Bloody American Triumphs is more relevant than ever in this Plague Year of 2020, and if Burroughs were with us today, he might look at his 1986 poem and wonder how he'd ever been such a starry-eyed optimist. Back in the anxious Thanksgiving of 2015 we fretted because the presidential campaign featured "serious debates over registering religious minorities and bringing back torture." Heh. We were so innocent back then, and didn't think that guy had any chance of really getting elected.

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popular

The Wonkette Zoomsgiving Thingie Is Your Only Friend Now

Still better than Parler.

If you don't subscribe to the Wonkette Newsletter, then you are probably unaware that a shadowy cabal of dedicated subversives have been planning a coup. No, I don't mean Giuliani and his brain juice addled press conferences, I mean overthrowing Thanksgiving, and replacing it with an undoubtedly glitchy, chaotic, and possibly disastrous Zoom meeting hosted by me, the Shypixel!

Well, it's true. The War on Christmas has grown boring to this pixel, as it drags on into its 17th year. Limp elven bodies strewn across candy cane ruins no longer fill my tiny orange soul like they used to. No, I require new blood, turkey blood! And what is the best way to ruin Thanksgiving? Besides traveling all over the country and turning the holiday into a Superspreader Event, I mean. Host a Zoom meeting after dinner, of course!

Will there be many technical issues? You betcha! Will shit crash? Almost certainly! Are we going to blindly forge ahead with our first ever hosted Zoom meeting for an entirely unknown number of people? Yes we can! FOUR MORE YEARS!

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