Trump Legal Team Trips Over Own Dick, Declares Flawless Victory

How many lawsuits did Donald Trump lose over Thanksgiving?

Alllllll the lawsuits. And we are not tired of winning!

The most fearsome smackdown was delivered by Third Circuit Judge Stephanos Bibas, a Trump appointee.

"Free, fair elections are the lifeblood of our democracy. Charges of unfairness are serious. But calling an election unfair does not make it so. Charges require specific allegations and then proof. We have neither here," he wrote for a three-judge panel deciding the fate of the Trump campaign's appeal in Pennsylvania. The Third Circuit will not be hosting a repeat performance of Rudy Giuliani pantsing himself in open court. Which is a win for democracy, but a loss for our collective amusement as lawyers and non-lawyers alike.

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Biden’s Secret Campaign Weapon? Trump’s Stupid Face At His Stupid Rallies.

President-elect Joe Biden stomped Donald Trump's sorry ass but good, which Trump has trouble accepting graciously. You'd think someone whose businesses went bankrupt six times would have grown accustomed to failure, but this latest one was public and humiliating. Trump has claimed for months now that Biden is a senile old man who commands an antifa army from the comfort of his wood-paneled basement. Trump repeatedly told his aides, "Oh, wouldn't it be embarrassing to lose to this guy?"

President Sore Loser is now hiding from his embarrassment in a haze of lies and garbage conspiracies. He keeps insisting there's no way Biden won more votes than "Barack Hussein Obama." Trump's obsessed with Obama, who's his superior in every measurable way, and it kills him that he's lost to someone he considers no better than Obama's flunky. But that's what happened, and it's delightful.

Trump's spare idiot son, Eric, questioned why anyone would believe the evidence that's clear in front of their non-Trump-shaped faces.

Twitter

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New York Times Prints Maureen Dowd's Brother's Love Letter To Trump, Because We Don't Know Why

Maureen Dowd is one of the worst columnists at the New York Times, a publication that also employs David Brooks and Bret Stephens. Dowd took a break this week from sharing her usual lousy insights and turned over her column to her Donald Trump-fluffing brother, Kevin, because that's apparently something legitimate newspapers allow.

The mercurial presidency of Donald Trump apparently is over.

No, this isn't Schrödinger's presidency. Trump's presidency is objectively over in 51 days. Kevin Dowd's drivel doesn't improve from here.

Historians, 20 or 30 years hence, will be the impartial arbiters of his accomplishments, but for the nearly 74 million people who voted for him, he already has fulfilled their hopes and justified their trust.

Giphy

I presume Dowd's awful, MAGA brother is made up, like my high school girlfriend (who was a secret agent).

The Democrats call now for unity, but four years ago, they screamed for resistance and upheaval.

No, they just exercised their constitutional right to peaceful protest. No one's said that Trump voters can't continue to whine or wave their penis substitutes around in public.

They encouraged confrontation of Trump officials at their homes and restaurants.

Democrats collectively didn't encourage this, as a party, and the few confrontations happened because Trump officials were locking kids in cages. And that's just the low-hanging fruit from the poison Trump tree.

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Let’s Review Trump’s Thanksgiving Weekend Temper Tantrums

Donald Trump has refused to accept the results of a free and fair election he lost. He's spent almost a month insisting he won anyway, in defiance of God and math. He's ranted like a madman about imaginary voter fraud while otherwise pissing on democracy.

Trump's “elite strike force" of legal nitwits has repeatedly tried and failed to disenfranchise millions of voters. The Wile E. Coyote-like effectiveness of their efforts to overturn the election doesn't minimize their evil, but it does make it easier to laugh derisively at them. Voltaire's prayer that God should make our enemies ridiculous has been granted and then some.

On Thanksgiving Day, President Sore Loser sat at a kiddie table desk in the White House and suffered a supervillain breakdown. He declared the whole election a “fraud" and insisted there was no way President-elect Joe Biden had won 80 million votes because that's more than Trump got so that's just not fair. When reporter Jeff Mason at Reuters tried to interrupt his fugue state with facts, Trump went full Norma Desmond.

"You're just a lightweight. Don't talk to me that way. I'm the President of the United States. Don't ever talk to the president that way."
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2020 presidential election

The Devil Went Down To Georgia, He Was Looking For An Election To Steal

Trump befouls peach pie, demands Georgians eat every bite.

For the wages of sin is being thrown under the bus so a doomed, wannabe dictator can assuage his bruised ego and lie to his illiterate supporters about a supposedly stolen election. It's from Romans ... or possibly Rome, Georgians.

Anyway, President Whiny McLoserpants is BIGLY MAD at Georgia's Republican governor Brian Kemp for failing to deliver the state to him on November 3.


Here on Planet Earth, the signatures have already been matched by the Secretary of State's office when the ballots were submitted, and there's no way to match ballots with envelopes — that's kind of the whole point of secret ballots. And Georgia already conducted a hand recount of the presidential race, confirming the original results.

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justice department

End Times Guy Rick Wiles Hoping Trump Will Kill Us All By Firing Squad In Next Month

Because we 'deserve it.'

Last week, while we were all mostly not here and also not really paying much attention to the news, the Justice Department announced a rules change that would allow firing squads, electrocution and nitrogen gas to be used in federal death penalty cases, if the laws in the state where the prisoner is meant to be executed allow for such things. As grotesque as this is, there is not much of a point to it besides macho posturing, as President-elect Joe Biden has promised to abolish the federal death penalty once he is in office and four of the five prisoners whose executions are scheduled up until then have already chosen lethal injection.

Well, unless you ask noted End Times preacher Rick Wiles, who has his own ideas about things. Last week, during a little pre-Thanksgiving roundtable, Wiles speculated that the real reason this rules change was rushed through was because "they're gonna shoot some people" and that Trump is planning to execute all of the bad leftists in media, science, academia, etc., simply because we "deserve it."

He is very excited about this, as you might imagine.

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2020 presidential election

Trump Campaign Pays $3 Million To Get Biden 87 More Votes In Wisconsin

Nicely done, boys.

The results of the Wisconsin recount are in! And Team Trump paid $3 million to add 87 votes to Joe Biden's margin of victory.

Womp womp.

The grifters on Team Trump have raised millions of dollars from their cult members so they can continue their absurd legal challenges to the election results. And so far, they are on quite the streak! If by "streak," you mean massive skidmark, being slapped down by court after court.

And now the Trump team has another notch to add to its belt, after paying $3 million to add votes to Biden's total.

Did we mention they paid $3 million to add votes to Biden's total? We should mention how they paid $3 million to add votes to Biden's total.

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