President Biden Remembers 100,000 American Lives Lost To Coronavirus

As America reached and surpassed 100,000 (confirmed) coronavirus deaths on Wednesday, Donald Trump marked the moment by whining about Twitter hurting his feelings, going to Florida for SPACESHIP! but Elon Musk couldn't get it up womp womp, and by announcing he was going to sign an executive order about Twitter hurting his feelings.

Oh yeah, and a day late and so many dollars short, somebody else wrote this tweet for Trump this morning:

We have just reached a very sad milestone with the coronavirus pandemic deaths reaching 100,000. To all of the families & friends of those who have passed, I want to extend my heartfelt sympathy & love for everything that these great people stood for & represent. God be with you!

We know somebody else wrote it because all the words are spelled correctly, there are no illiterate and weird "quotation marks," there are no lies, and he didn't even accuse any innocent people of murder or WITCH HUNT or whatever else. Oh yeah, and no whining.

Trump may be the stupidest person in America, but let's be fair, he's also empty, broken, and devoid of empathy and all other normal human emotions. He couldn't write even that pissant phoned-in message.

It's easy to forget, during this historic pandemic, but we are electing a president in 159 days, which means we are in full-on election season. If this were the 2016 election, for comparison's sake, we'd be days away from seeing the first major evidence that Russia was fucking with the 2016 election. For 2020 it's ... LOL fuck it, it's probably the same timeline.

But we do have a presumptive nominee, and his name is Joe Biden, and if there is one thing Biden is good at, it's being the comforter-in-chief, especially when grief is involved. And he released a video message to mark 100,000 lives lost, and you can watch it and remember what a president looks like, and what it could be like to once again have a president who possesses the humanity to actually fucking say something.

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Mark Zuckerberg, Who Once Gave Rare Butt Cricket STD To Entire Shopping Mall, Says Fact-Checking Bad

Mark Zuckerberg helped destroy the country, perhaps even the world, and he won't stand idly by while anyone tries to undo his hard work. Twitter (finally) started fact-checking (by appending a teeny tiny "get the facts" notation) Donald Trump's tweets, which are usually full of lies, slander, and the occasional covfefe. The rival platform's underwhelming action didn't shame Zuckerberg into caring about the veracity of the content on his own hell site. Instead, he jumped on the bandwagon with conservative hacks, including Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley, and cried “censorship!" because he apparently dropped out of Harvard before learning what censorship is.

Zuckerberg criticized Twitter's policy during an interview on (of course) Fox News's "The Daily Briefing," which aired today.

ZUCKERBERG: We have a different policy I think than Twitter on this. I just believe strongly that Facebook shouldn't be the arbiter of truth of everything that people say online. I think in general private companies probably shouldn't be — especially these platform companies — shouldn't be in the position of doing that.

This is all kinds of dumb. Media companies shouldn't enable the spread of disinformation. Their first duty should be to the truth. Facebook discards that principle and dresses up its willful negligence in an emperor's robe of “free expression." Even the term “arbiter of truth" is a way to frame “facts" as just part of some liberal agenda. They're big on moral relativism these days, especially when they discovered how much power and money they could gain through shameless lies.

(Can't see the video? Please click the little bird in the tweet!)

The COVID-19 pandemic has cost a lot of journalists their jobs. It's not that hard to find qualified "fact checkers," which I stress is not some new Orwellian concept. Letters editors at newspapers — remember them? — fact-checked submissions before publication. If a grandmother's complaints about pot holes in her neighborhood was thoroughly vetted, then someone should probably double-check the US president's (lying) claims about voter fraud.

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PA Republicans Surely Not Secretly Trying To Infect Democrats With COVID-19, No They'd Never!

Last night, Donald Trump retweeted a New Mexico Trump idiot named Couy Griffin, who runs the Cowboys for Trump, saying that the "only good Democrat is a dead Democrat."

Don't worry, Griffin didn't mean it literally, he meant it in the metaphorical sense, and all the people listening to him laughed, because everybody knows Cowboys for Trump are second only to English teachers when it comes to their embrace of a good metaphor.

Anyway, keep that video and quote and the fact that Trump retweeted it last night in your head while we tell you a story.

Are you familiar with Pennsylvania Democratic state Rep. Brian Sims? Usually when he appears in these august pages, it's for a funny reason, like very recently when we wrote about the very cool MAGA "life coach" who refuses to wear a mask because he thinks that is what makes him look a total cucking loser (yes we said cucking, it's a very cool word). That MAGA "life coach" also challenged Sims, who is gay, to suck a real live man dick, because the MAGA "life coach" thinks Sims is fibbing about being gay. (He's gay.)

Anyway, Sims, because he's got this whole "I am a sexy daddy bear who is legitimately nice" thing going on, and because he's openly gay and has taken a large role in the LGBT rights movement on the national stage, has had kind of an outsized platform compared to other state legislators.

So when he went on Facebook Live last evening and just absolutely lost his righteous shit, people paid attention.

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Sure Are A Bunch Of Supergeniuses Packing Together For 'Race Car'

Over Memorial Day weekend, a small North Carolina race track opened up for stock car races, drawing a capacity crowd of more than 4,000 spectators, and ignoring the state's public health rules because county officials gave the go-ahead. Raleigh News & Observer reporter Andrew Carter wrote a hell of a good feature story about the return to what a lot of the people there wanted to call "normal," as the racing season finally got underway at that Ace Speedway in Altamahaw, after a two-month delay. This isn't a big old NASCAR venue, just a little local track, a four-tenths of a mile oval. Most of the people Carter spoke to said they'd been cooped up for too long, and so it's time for everybody to get back to business, but safely. If "safely" means cramming close together and yelling loudly over all the engine noise, which is a super-efficient way for the virus to spread.

The people at the racetrack all seemed vaguely aware that the pandemic isn't over, but they're largely over the pandemic, and just don't want to think about it anymore. So they probably wouldn't have cared that in the week prior to the race, North Carolina's COVID-19 hospitalizations were actually increasing — from 481 on May 16, to 589 on Saturday, May 23, the day of the festivities. Since then, the number of current hospitalizations statewide is up to 702, as of yesterday.

To be honest, it's a difficult story to read, because it feels like an early chapter of And The Band Played On. There's a strong likelihood of a future story, profiling people who'll get sick or die after attending the race. Maybe not — viral outbreaks are a matter of risk, not certainty. But the odds are far higher than if all those folks had stayed home and held nice cookouts in their own backyards.

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Perfect Christian 'Ex-Lesbian' Says Coronavirus A Blessing From Jesus, Because Here's Why

Stay-at-home orders? Are also GAY-AT-HOME ORDERS!

We have been waiting all week to introduce you to an amazing new inspirational Christian lady named Rosaria Champagne Butterfield, of whom we have never heard! We don't think she has ever been in the august pages of Wonkette, which is a shame, because she has a story to tell us, both about her life, and about what a blessing coronavirus really is.

First, Her Life!

Rosaria Champagne Butterfield is married to a wingnut Presbyterian pastor named Kent Butterfield, and they live in Durham, North Carolina, where she is a homeschool mom, naturally. But long ago, in a different life, Rosaria Champagne Butterfield was ROSARIA CHAMPAGNE LESBIAN! According to her bio, she taught English at Syracuse University, and she was "lured" into LESBIAN by the feminists and the LGBTs. But then she met a Promise Keeper -- you know, those guys who crowd into stadiums and touch each other with Jesus, for the sake of heterosexual manhood -- and one thing led to another, she gave her life to the baby Jesus, she is cured of LESBIAN, and now she loves dogs and coffee, but not like LESBIANS love dogs and coffee.

Over at the Friendly Atheist, Beth Stoneburner tells us that Rosaria Champagne Butterfield nee LESBIAN, who is obviously very anti-gay now, obviously, recommends that you talk to the homosexuals like they have the cancer. Which ... does she mean we should ask the homosexuals if we can bring them a casserole? And are they comfortable in that chair, or do they need another pillow? So many questions!

Anyway, OK, Rosaria Champagne Butterfield has thoughts on the coronavirus, and how it is a blessing. (100,000 dead in America, confirmed.) Don't worry, she's not crazy, there is a backstory.

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Cops Behaving Badly

Thank God Almighty, Derek Chauvin Is Arrested At Last

Now let’s see how racist an American jury is.

Four days after killing George Floyd, now-former Minneapolis, Minnesota, police officer Derek Chauvin was finally arrested and charged with third-degree murder and manslaughter. Hennepin County Attorney Mike Freeman announced at a press conference Friday that Chauvin was in custody and that his office might even file additional charges.

I've given Freeman a hard time about dragging his feet on having Chauvin “picked up" "Law & Order" style, but he did come through. Maybe he's one of the rare prosecutors who'll consider prosecuting even former cops.

The officers who sat around munching popcorn while Chauvin crushed the life out of Floyd are still free but have reason to worry. Freeman said the investigation is “ongoing," but he thought it best to focus on the “most dangerous perpetrator." Chauvin is dangerous, and it's a condemnation of the Minneapolis Police Department that Chauvin's trigger-happy knee remained on the force for 19 years after more than a dozen police misconduct complaints. He was never seriously disciplined and received just one “letter of reprimand," probably written on 18th Century stationery, during his entire career. Minneapolis was fine with his highly selective protection and service. The city and the state need to reckon with this form of “Minnesota nice."

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Cops Behaving Badly

Ex-Navy Chaplain/Wingnut Suggests Black People Protest Other Black People Instead Of Racist Cops

You guys miss Gordon Klingenschmitt? We did too.

People across the country this week are appalled and horrified by the blatant murder of George Floyd by (now former) police officer Derek Chauvin. Many are protesting because they are just really, really sick of white police officers murdering unarmed black people for no reason and then never even getting in trouble for it. People are outraged, as well they should be!

Also outraged is former Navy chaplain Gordon "Chaps" Klingenschmitt. Is he outraged by the murder of George Floyd? No. Of course not. That was about as likely as "Chaps" changing his outfit from his usual "Mike Meyers as Dieter on Sprockets" ensemble. Rather, he is outraged that black people are protesting against police brutality instead of against abortion, on account of how he would really prefer it if they protested against abortion.

On his show "Pray in Jesus Name," Chaps and fellow right-wing commentator Josh Bernstein lamented that black people did not protest in such great numbers against abortion, which they claim is a "genocide" of black people.

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