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Stephen Miller's Latest F*cked-Up Bullsh*t Is SOOOOOOME F*CKED-UP BULLSH*T

As we have noted several times, there's a certain horrifying brilliance to the endless schemes Stephen Miller has contrived to limit immigration — not just by those terrible murderers and rapists Donald Trump scares Fox viewers with, but anyone trying to use the legal means of immigration the Right is always screaming about. It's very much like the infinitely creative ways the white power structure in the Jim Crow South came up with to humiliate black people and make their lives miserable. Someone should do a study on the psychology of all that, how it's tied to authoritarian thinking. Miller and his minions have managed to weaponize virtually every part of federal law to keep people out.

That zero tolerance of immigration extends even — or especially — to those the law is supposed to help. Like for instance victims of crimes. Washington Post columnist Catherine Rampell explores the administration's latest twist of the bureaucratic knife, in which an undocumented woman she calls "Yolanda" went to the police to report she'd been violently raped, then left trapped in a basement for hours. Congress passed a law allowing crime victims who cooperate with police to apply for what's called a "U Visa," because fighting violent crime is a good thing. But not as important to this administration as blocking all immigrants.

Yolanda's application was denied because the administration decided last fall it will now reject visa applications that include any blank spaces, even when there's no earthly reason to fill in the blank. Yolanda's son has no middle name, so she wrote nothing for that item. Sorry, your application has been rejected because it's incomplete.

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Trump Extorts New York On Twitter, Just Right There, Right Out In The Open

Did we not just get done impeaching the motherfucker? Yes, we did, and impeachment is forever. But now that lunatic is out there on Twitter trying to extort the state of New York, demanding personal favors in exchange for federal government action. It's quid pro quo all over again, only this time you don't have to spend ten minutes READING THE TDJ@4QRPPPPPPPP5T, thanks to Twitter's 280-character limit.

He just ... he just tweeted it out. In preparation for a meeting with New York Governor Andrew Cuomo about suspending the state's residents from the Trusted Traveler Programs, which allow speedy entry at most highly-traveled northern border points, Donald Trump just demanded that the state stop suing him.

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Oh My God, Bill Barr, Fuuuuuuuuuuuck OFFFFFFFFFF

Please everyone, Bill Barr has the talking stick and he needs to share.

BARR: I'm not going to be bullied or influenced by anybody.

#Resist, girl! Put that pink pussy hat up on top of your head and you SAY IT!

So, Bill Barr did an interview with ABC News, and we think the clever strategy here, obviously devised in cahoots with the White House, is that everybody is being so mean and calling Bill Barr Donald Trump's low-rent Walgreens perfume counter Big Lots early bird special ribbed-for-her-pleasure knockoff version of Roy Cohn, a man who has turned the Justice Department into little more than a clearinghouse for Trump's revenge fantasies, and everybody needs to KNOCK IT OFF.

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Portland, OR Man ‘Wins’ $1 Million On ‘Who Wants To Get Screwed By Racist Cops?’

Michael Fesser of Portland, Oregon, just received $600,000 in the cash settlement sweepstakes, but this isn't another upbeat lottery story. The city of West Linn, Oregon, negotiated the settlement because Fesser, who's black, was the target of an "unwarranted racially motivated surveillance and arrest." Former (thank God) West Linn Police Chief Terry Timeus used his own officers to put the smackdown on Fesser as a "favor" for a fishing buddy.

The fishing buddy was Eric Benson, owner of A&B Towing, which is located in Southeast Portland sometime in the 1950s. Fesser, who'd worked for A&B since 2004, claimed in February of 2017 that coworkers had called him racial slurs, and one had asked him what he thought of a Confederate flag that decorated a pickup truck in the parking lot. Fesser escalated his concerns to Benson, who took an unconventional approach to addressing complaints of a hostile work environment: running to his buddy Police Chief Timeus and persuading him to "investigate" bogus charges that Fesser was stealing from the company. Timeus had his officers conduct audio surveillance of Fesser at work — without a court order or a warrant.

Benson kept in close contact with West Linn Detective Tony Reeves during all this, and the two exchanged homophobic and sexually explicit text messages. They also made more racist comments about Fesser. It was gracious of Benson to include Reeves in the hostile work environment.

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Saudi Arabia

Ivanka Trump Speechifies At Global Women's Forum Because Women Haven't Suffered Enough

We guess it's better than Melania.

Ivanka Trump, whose greatest single accomplishment is standing upright, went on a tour of the Mideast where she stared poignantly at random objects. She also took time out of her never busy schedule to give a speech Sunday to women entrepreneurs and regional leaders in Dubai. She praised such countries as Saudi Arabia and United Arab Emirates for their "significant reforms" in advancing women's rights. For instance, Saudi Arabia recently allowed women to get their own passports and leave the country without a male relative's permission, so ... yay!

Trump gave the keynote address at the two-day Global Women's Forum. She was qualified to do this because she is the president's daughter and a woman — often both at the same time!

TRUMP: I am delighted to be attending the Global Women's Forum Dubai to advance women's economic empowerment around the world and highlight the progress of the Women's Global Development and Prosperity Initiative. This initiative has impacted over 12 million women in its first year, well on its way towards our goal of economically empowering 50 million women by 2025.

The Women's Global Development and Prosperity Initiative is Trump's pet project. It's supposed to do great things for women while her father's administration works to roll back abortion rights. Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham and Democratic Sen. Jeanne Shaheen have teamed up to have Trump's initiative written into law. The proposed legislation would establish an Office of Women's Empowerment at the State Department and ensure something survives the Trump administration beyond the flaming dumpster fire of our democracy.

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Trump

Rain, Bloomberg Wash Out Donald Trump's Daytona 500 Visit

Not even the elements wanted Trump there.

Aside from beating impeachment charges that would've removed a president in any functioning democracy, poor Donald Trump just can't catch a break. Trump devoted his Sunday to cavorting with the common man at the Daytona 500 in Florida. He even brought Melania, who obviously would've preferred to be anywhere else (and with anyone else). The president and first lady flew in from Mar-a-Lago on Air Force One for what he probably hoped would serve as a free campaign ad.

Trump was named grand marshal and gave one of his usual, awful rally-style speeches, but FOX — the broadcast network, not the fake news channel — cut away to commercial. Trump supporters online were offended that a commercial network ran commercials instead of the president's gibberish, which would've turned up later on YouTube for free anyway. One Twitter user raged that "commies owned the media," and that's why paid advertising bumped Trump.

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News

21 Infuriating People Who Should Be Banned From Restaurants For Life. Tabs, Mon., Feb. 17, 2020

Hey, anybody got some open tabs?

Okay.

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Nice Time

Something Something Sunday, Something Something Nice Things

This post contains cute baby cows. You have been warned.

Happy, Sunday, kids. Time to set aside all the craziness of the week — and this has been an exceptionally crazy one, hasn't it? — and just relax for a little bit before getting back to the important work of staring in astonishment at what the bastards are doing this time. (Well, yes, and working to stop it. That's useful, too!)

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Feminininism

Ted Cruz Positively Outraged That The Government Would Interfere With His Reproductive Rights

What's that like?

For nearly a decade, as male politicians have repeatedly sought to chip away at our reproductive rights, female legislators have responded with bills of their own, meant to regulate theirs. In 2012 we had a whole slew of them — Rep. Kelly Cassidy of Illinois proposed adding an amendment to a bill requiring those who get abortions to watch an ultrasound beforehand that would also require men who get Viagra to watch a graphic video about its potential side effects; Sen. Janet Howell of Virginia thought men who wanted Viagra should probably get a rectal exam first; and Ohio state Sen. Nina Turner felt that the best way to show men who feel they need a drug for erectile disfunction "that we care" about them would be to require a psychological examination beforehand, and then a cardiac test every 90 days after that, and that they should also be required to sign a form saying they understand the side effects.

Then, in 2017, Texas state Rep. Jessica Farrar "A Man's Right To Know Act" proposed fining men $100 for masturbating (every sperm is sacred!), allowing doctors to refuse to perform vasectomies or prescribe Viagra if they feel they have a religious objection to it, and requiring all men to read an informational booklet before getting Viagra or a vasectomy or a colonoscopy. So good! All of them!

The latest of these bills comes from Alabama state Rep. Rolanda Hollis (D-Birmingham), who on Thursday filed a bill (HB 238) that would require men to get a vasectomy prior to their 50th birthday or after their third child. Naturally, this would be at the man's own expense. And Ted Cruz is positively outraged!

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Impeachment

Rand Paul Thinks YouTube Has Some Obligation To Torture Its Users With Clips Of Him Speaking

That's cruel and unusual punishment!

Rand Paul, the second-worst senator from Kentucky, is very upset that YouTube recently pulled a clip of him being a jerk on the Senate floor. Paul insists that YouTube's decision was "dangerous and politically biased," but it's his own actions during Donald Trump's sham impeachment trial that more accurately fit that description.

In the clip YouTube removed, Paul pitched a fit and demanded Chief Justice John Roberts explain why he'd blocked one of the senator's questions. It's believed Paul's question contained the name of the Ukrainian whistleblower. Considering Roberts read aloud Elizabeth Warren's shade bomb that mentioned him directly, the substance of Paul's "question" must've been especially out of bounds.

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Trump

Florida Man May Refuse Dialysis If He Can't Bring Cardboard Cutout Of Trump With Him For Emotional Support

Florida man indeed.

Nelson Gibson of Port St. Lucie, Florida, has to get dialysis three times a week, for three and a half hours. Because his family can't join him, he — like many other dialysis patients — sometimes brings something from home for a little emotional support.

At first, he brought a picture with him. Of his family? No. Not of his family. He brought a picture of Donald Trump. That was fine with the staff and the other patients. Then, he started bringing in a small cardboard cutout of himself, which he would place next to the photo. I don't know who just has cardboard cutouts of themselves just ... around — but hey! Everyone's got their thing.

That wasn't a problem either. No one had a problem with it at all.

But then, one day, he showed up with a giant life-size cutout of Donald Trump.

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Healthcare

Economist Suggests Infecting A Ton Of People With Coronavirus In Order To Help People With Coronavirus

It doesn't actually get much more clear when you read his argument.

If there is anything I very much dislike, it is people going around being named Robyn or Robin and being terrible. It's just rude. Most of us are lovely people. We steal from the rich, we give to the poor, we sing your favorite jams, what's not to like?

Of course, there are exceptions. And one big one is Robin Hanson, the creepiest economist in America. The last time we met Robin Hanson, he was arguing for a redistribution of sex to keep incels non-violent, and compared their plight to that of poor people (even though he thought it was weird to be concerned about poor people), claiming essentially that men who kill women because they are angry about not getting laid are Jean Valjeaning it. Like, for real, he brought Les Mis into it.

He has, of course, had many other terrible ideas over the years. Like the time when he also suggested that a woman who "cuckolds" a man should be punished more severely than a rapist who drugs and then rapes a woman while she is unconscious, on account of how a "gentle, silent rape" and will cause no harm to her "because she suffered no noticeable physical harm nor any memory of the event."

So yeah, he's pretty much the worst. And he's got a brand new idea!

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Right Wing Extremism

Creepy Child Nazi Banned From YouTube, Finally

Bye bye, Nick Fuentes!

White nationalist, Holocaust denier and leader of the "Groypers" (a group of white nationalist conservatives who yell at regular conservatives for not being racist enough) Nick Fuentes woke up yesterday morning to find that his YouTube teevee show, "America First with Nicholas J Fuentes," had been banned from the platform for hate speech. While it is not currently known exactly which instance of hate speech it was that got him banned, it is safe to say that it was probably pretty terrible, and probably something terrible about Jewish people or Muslims as that tends to be his M.O.

As you may or may not have blocked out, Fuentes was in the news briefly in November of last year after fellow professional hatemonger Michelle Malkin was fired from the conservative speaker's bureau "Young America's Foundation" for her support of Fuentes, on account of how he's a Holocaust denier. Also because he kept heckling fellow right-wingers like Donald Trump Jr., Charlie Kirk, and Ben Shapiro at a Turning Point USA event for not being fascist enough.

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2020 Congressional Elections

Amy McGrath, Please Beat Mitch McConnell Now, We Are All Sick Of His Stupid Face

McConnell boasts about his spectacular talent to halt progress and enable tyrants.

Amy McGrath — fighter pilot and perhaps the Rebellion's last hope — emailed me personally Friday to announce she's within one point of defeating human turtle libel, Mitch McConnell. Unfortunately, I can't as yet confirm the poll she references wasn't conducted in her residence, but it's been a long week of stories about racial slurs. Forgive me for grabbing onto any hope that we might actually ditch Mitch.

McGrath reported raising $6.2 million in the final three quarters of 2019 for a total of $16.9 million, which is just $2 million less than what Alison Lundergan Grimes raised in her failed 2014 attempt to unseat McConnnell. She currently has $9.1 million cash on hand. These are potent numbers. McConnell has $9.7 million in the bank, which is obviously more but he has to convince voters he's not Mitch McConnell. That's not cheap.

McConnell's campaign manager Kevin Golden dismissed McGrath's haul as the work of Jews and gay people liberal elites in New York and California, where conservatives insist no actual Americans live.

JERKASS: Any left-wing name on the ballot against Mitch McConnell will raise tens of millions from liberal elites in New York and California who want to eliminate Kentucky's power to shape policy in Washington. What they can't do is invent left wing voters in Kentucky who would cast a ballot for a candidate who would erase their voice like Amy McGrath.

Yes, McGrath is gonna "erase" Kentuckians voices and make them lip synch such popular liberal hits as "Representative Government" and "(I Can't Get No) Sham Trials." Donald Trump hates that last one. McGrath might've been born in Ohio, where all of Kentucky's slaves once fled, but she grew up in Kentucky and has every right to represent it in the Senate. She's also a combat veteran and a goddamn fighter pilot for the Marines. Republicans should show some respect, but these are the same people who voted for Donald Trump.

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Weekly Top Ten

Your Weekly Top Ten Is A 15-YEAR-OLD DOG NOW!

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

We are tired, so we don't want to talk about the news. We want to tell you about #dog, who is 15 years old this month. All Friday, she lied to us right through her dog teeth, trying desperately to convince us she had not been fed that day. She had been fed. But no, she was all up in our shit the whole day, and when we'd pay attention to her, she'd stare at the cabinet where the food lives, with this forlorn look on her face.

While wagging her tail.

Because she knew what she was doing. Our point is that our 15-year-old dog is doing pretty well.

Anyway, before we count down the top 10 stories of the week, here is your obligatory money beg, because if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE. Give us money to keep the lights on up in here! Better yet? SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! If you like presents, you could do our Patreon! Thank you, we love you, you pay our rent.

Also, have you been to the Wonkette Flea Market lately, in order to find some rare baubles and candidate-specific apparel? We have all kinds of merches, like t-shirts and coffee cups featuring your favorite candidates, and also just Wonkette-branded swag. Maybe there is some you do not have! GO FIND OUT.

Ready to count down the top stories? Yes, you are.

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Legal

Michael Avenatti? More Like Michael Ave-NAUGHTY!

Happy Valentine's Day to all the jerks we've loved before.

Michael Avenatti, you dumb son of a bitch, GO TO JAIL! Today a federal jury in Manhattan convicted the lawyer on three counts related to an attempt to extort Nike out of $20 million. And though we'll always be grateful to him for bringing to light Michael Cohen and American Media Inc.'s illegal ratfucking of the 2016 campaign, we are never, never, never getting back together with our (literally) crazy ex-boyfriend. Sorry, Blue Eyes, we're through!

It's all so pathetically petty and sordid. Avenatti found a basketball coach in California who said he knew about illegal payments to high school athletes. But instead of negotiating an advantageous settlement for his client, Avenatti waltzed in to Nike HQ and threatened to "take ten billion dollars off your client's market cap" if the company wouldn't give him $20 million to perform an internal audit. Or to not perform an audit — he didn't really give a damn as long as he got paid.

And when Nike's lawyers said, "Can you call us back tomorrow, and speak very loudly and clearly when you lay out the particulars of your threat to expose us if we don't pony up the cash?" Avenatti said, "You bet! Let me give you 24 hours so you'll have plenty of time to call the FBI and get them situated to record our conversation!" We are paraphrasing, but not by much.

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justice department

Bill Barr Just Checking For 50th Time To See If Michael Flynn WUZ FRAMED!111!1!GHAZI!1!!

READ THE TRANSCRIPT! OBAMA NETFLIX?

How much "on fire" is Bill Barr's Justice Department right now? ALL THE ON FIRES.

And here's another one for you! The DOJ has closed its investigation into Trump enemy and former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe, according to his lawyers, because it can't seem to gin up any charges against him. Aw shucks! And Trump has been so fuckin' mad about that (SO MAD), why is Bill Barr refusing to deliver McCabe's head on a OH HEY LOOK OVER HERE, DONALD TRUMP!

Giphy

That's a good Donald Trump! Chase it! Chase it!

Bill Barr has now brought in an outside prosecutor, Jeffrey Jensen, US Attorney for the Eastern District of Missouri, to (for the 50th time) check and see if maybe Michael Flynn WUZ FRAMED when those mean FBI agents asked him questions about his contacts with the Russian ambassador, and he decided to lie right out of his facehole. SPOILER, Barr idiot: He was not framed.

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Legal

Unqualified Stephen Miller Crony Is New Top Lawyer At DHS

Oh don't we have fun in 2020 America.

Trump's Department of Homeland Security has a new top lawyer and yes, he's exactly the type of person you think he is.

Chad Mizelle, the new (acting) general counsel for DHS, graduated law school the same year I did: 2013. With a grand total of 6.5 years of experience as a lawyer, he will now supervise 2,500 lawyers and make the final legal determinations for the department that oversees immigration, national security, and border control for the United States government.

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Class War

Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, Men Are Terrible And Everyone Is Drowning In Debt!

AMERICA IS THE ASSHOLE.

Ah Reddit! Sometimes it is really, really bad. Sometimes it's really, really good! And sometimes it is good/bad in a very satisfying kind of way that lends itself very well to falling into a four-hour internet hole. Perhaps the subreddits best suited to that sort of time-wasting misadventure are r/AmITheAsshole — a forum in which people ask if they are actually the asshole in whatever situation they are currently in — and r/relationships, in which people seek advice from strangers on the internet on issues in their relationships. It's sort of like a modern version of advice columns and Ricki Lake. I also "enjoy" r/legal_advice for when I'm just not having enough nightmares, r/IDontWorkHereLady, and r/AskTrumpSupporters for when I am just not jaded enough about humanity, and the many skincare and nail art subreddits I am subscribed to for when I decide to fuck it all and just be really shallow.

But I digress.

Last night, just in time for the holiday, a very particularly American post appeared on Am I The Asshole? A post from a man who was wondering if it's bad that he is telling his fiancée she has to work 80 hours a week and live off of cheese sandwiches and eat zero avocados in order to be debt free by the time they are married. Said fiancée has accrued $60K in debt because she had to finance her father's cancer treatments.

Happy Valentine's Day!

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justice department

Bill Barr's Fake Russia Probe Pretty Sure Hillary Clinton #Pizzagated CIA Into Framing Russia For Oh F*ck It

Intelligence Community, How Does IT Work?

Speaking of Attorney General Bill Barr, AKA Donald Trump's broken truck stop condom dispenser version of Roy Cohn over there at the Justice Department ... it's time for an update on the US Attorney John Durham-"led" investigation into the REAL origins of the Trump-Russia investigation!

You know, even though the Justice Department inspector general already looked at that and found it was correctly predicated and based on very real evidence. Once Barr realized the inspector general wasn't going to give Trump, congressional Republicans, and Fox News windsocks a big fap-fest (though they certainly turned it into one!), and once he realized US Attorney John Huber's extra probe into Hillary Clinton was DOA, he had to gin up another "investigate the investigators" investigation, to keep his autocratic boss's bowels reg'lar.

Will Durham be able to invent a convincing fake story about how the Russia investigation was really a nefarious Deep State plot started by real FBI boss Hillary Clinton to stealthily steal the 2016 election from herself so that they could all frame Trump for Russia crimes? Fingers crossed!

The New York Times and the Washington Post have some new reporting on Durham's probe, and y'all, it's getting stupider.

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