Wash State Hillbilly F*cks Terrorize Multiracial Family Who Must Be 'Antifa'

A bunch of gun-toting chucklefucks were all het up by yet another fake social media "warning" about scary Antifa rioters being bused into their community — in this case, Forks, Washington, way up in the (beautiful!) peninsular nothingness of the northwest corner of the state. Yes, also the setting for those beloved Twilight books and movies about sparkly vampires and hunky werewolves. But there was no Twilight sparkle in this story, which was instead an outbreak of paranoia and discord in the tiny town, fueled by Donald Trump's insistence that Antifa is at the heart of all evil.

An area gun dealer warned on Facebook Wednesday he had absolutely rock-solid intel that Antifa was invading, which got folks in the area very worried. And then a multiracial family from Spokane showed up in a school bus, leading to a clusterfuck that was half Get Out and half The Russians Are Coming! The Russians Are Coming!

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President Bunker Baby Had A Rough Night

About 110,000 Americans are confirmed to have died of the novel coronavirus, a number that's really ticking up these days. Tens of millions of Americans are unemployed. From sea to shining sea, Americans in towns as large as New York City and as small as Paragould, Arkansas, and Corinth, Mississippi — no links to stories, these are just things we know because we live down this-a-way — are peacefully assembling and marching to say Black Lives Matter, because everybody is at last sick and fucking tired of cops murdering black people.

And Donald Trump has some hurt feelings, we should put that on the list of things that are important, yes? Trump feeling sad and mad and stupid and angry and frustrated and weak and pathetic and loser? Of course we should. Because there is a direct correlation because that fucking idiot's failures and stupidity and everything else that's going on in America.

He is also a cornered Inspector Bunker Baby, so he's lashing out. So many people to get mad at, and nothing but free time to do it!

Let's briefly tick through the things upsetting Trump, which he told America, his therapist, on Twitter last night. (Under no circumstances should you try sifting through Trump's Twitter feed by yourself right now, because there are so many neurotic tweets and RTs over the past 12 hours, it's like a high-speed mental breakdown, so just don't do it. We'll show you the important ones.)

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Friday Poll Porn: This One Goes Up To Eleven!

Trump Baby GRRRR! And Trump Baby ARRRRGH! And Trump Baby WAAAAH! And Trump Baby YOU'RE FIRED, maybe?

Bloomberg reports that Donald Trump summoned his campaign team to the White House yesterday for a Toppp Seeekrit powwow.

"It's expected to be a tense meeting," a source said, anticipating that campaign manager Brad Parscale, deputy manager Bill Stepien, pollster Tony Fabrizio, and of course wonderprince Jared Kushner were in for a right royal tantrum from President Babyshits over his cratering poll numbers.

You hate to see it! Really, it couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of guys.

The details will leak out in five minutes, because, hello, this is the Trump White House. But since we couldn't be a fly on the wall, let's take a looksee at those polls that have the orange geezer shitting his Depends this time.

(You can always tell who he thinks is in trouble, since he RTs them repeatedly. In the past 24 hours, he's hit Martha McSally, Tom Cotton, David Perdue, Cory Gardner, Steve Daines, Thom Tillis, Cory Gardner, Pat Toomey, etc.)

First, up Arizona where Fox News has Trump losing to Biden, 46-42. Et tu, Foxy?

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TX Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick: God Just Gonna Keep Killing Black People Until We All Love Him Enough

Like most black people who aren't Candace Owens, I'm a little bummed over all the racist murders. I know there's no easy solution, but ... oh, wait, Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick just cracked this 400-year-old mystery wide open. He even did it on Fox News! That's what my relatives get for refusing to watch the network.

PATRICK: We have racism in this country, Shannon.

He was speaking Wednesday to “Fox News @ Night" host Shannon Bream, for whom this was possibly brand new information. What's important is he's identified the problem. Next, he'll come through with a fix. I just hope it's a quick one.

PATRICK: But it's really an issue of love.

No one -- not even The Beatles -- considered love as the answer to society's ills. Please proceed, sir.

PATRICK: It's loving God. If if you cannot love your fellow man, if you don't love God -- and we have a country where we've been working really hard, particularly on the left, to kick God out.

Yeah, it's the liberals who are treating God like a black family they don't want moving into their neighborhood. I'm not sure I agree 100 percent with Patrick's police work there. Black people are the predominant victims of racism and we're collectively very religious. According to the Pew Research Center, almost 80 percent of black Americans identify as Christian. That's about 10 percent more than white Americans, who possess the majority of the country's wealth and are significantly less likely to be killed by cops. Maybe God is our problem. God can't even protect us from white supremacist murderers when we're literally inside His own house.

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Conspiracy Theories

Laura Ingraham Won't Let The Weather Underground Dethrone God OR Kidnap Patty Hearst

Also beatniks. And flappers.

If there is any way, I suppose, in which the Left has a certain amount of privilege, it is that when we wish to cite examples of right-wing terrorism, we do not have to go back 50 years in order to do so. We have all the material we need right in, unfortunately, very recent history. We've got 106 bodies just in the 20 years since September 11.

We've also got piles of current right-wing extremist groups to reference: the Proud Boys, the Boogaloo Boys, various militias, III%'s, American Identity Movement/Identity Evropa, Atomwaffen Division, Patriot Front, and, of course, classics like the KKK and the League of the South. There are many more than that. In fact, the Southern Poverty Law Center lists 940 right-wing hate groups operating in the United States right now. That is so many hate groups!

Not to mention the many, many people murdered by the "pro-life" movement.

Alas, when people on the Right want to talk about left-wing terrorism, they either have to totally make shit up about "antifa" or they have to literally go back 50 years. Or 110 years, to the Los Angeles Times bombing, if they want to come up with the last time anyone was purposely killed in an act of left-wing terrorism.

This could be why on her show last night, Laura Ingraham invited author and former FBI agent (and current nut) Terry Turchie to discuss The Weather Underground and their enduring influence. Yes. The Weather Underground. A group that disbanded in 1976, and which Turchie claims was responsible for over 2,000 bombings. They were not, for what it is worth, responsible for over 2,000 bombings. That is ridiculous.

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Weekly Top Ten

Wonkette's Weekly Top 10 Is A Gas, Gas, Gas

You come read your top 10 stories right now!

Good morning, Wonk friends. Good to see you're all in your places with bright shiny faces. My little brother thinks this is the best week in the history of the world, and that Attention will finally be Paid. He thinks this is it; that we are the change, we waited for us, and it's HERE. I vacillate: pride, hope, fear, TERROR. I'm not good at prognosticating. I don't know what's coming next or ever. But here we are, and we're together, and I love you. NOW STORIES.

If I had to guess who picked this week's top 10 stories, I'd go with "Robyn and Evan, by cheating," probs.

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joe biden

Joe Biden Did A Gaffe, Oh Wait No He Didn't, GET HIM ANYWAY, NEW YORK TIMES!

Same shit, different election year.

Oh no, lamentations, teardrops and fiddlesticks, Joe Biden made a gaffe with his gaffe machine, which is his mouth. Now you might be worried and shouting out "Wonkette!" because you call out to us like that when you are worried. "Wonkette! What did Joe Biden say? Did he somehow seem to suggest George Floyd is probably having a celebration in Heaven today because of a really tremendous jobs report?"

No, that was Donald Trump.

Joe Biden just said some people suck, but not even as many as Hillary Clinton said, when she said half of Trump's supporters are a "basket of deplorables," which was a severe misunderestimationism on her part. Because you see, according to our back of the napkin math, about 62.9 million people voted for Trump, as opposed to 65.8 million, almost three million more for Hillary Clinton. So if you divide Trump's small number of voters in half and put that half in the basket of deplorables, you get 31.45 million people who suck.

Meanwhile Joe Biden! Well, we will let the New York Times tell you, because the Times is like "OMG! We are for shocked and appalled! This is almost as bad as the time Hillary Clinton had a Hotmail and Joe Biden had a son named Hunter! Maybe we should get Tom Cotton to write an op-ed about sending the troops to declare wars on Joe Biden!"

OH MAN HE DUN IT THIS TIME.

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