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Come Up For Air And Have Some Nice Things

The news continues to be terrible, and so we continue to need these weekly reminders that not everything is horrible -- just the biggest things going on right now! There, don't you feel a lot better?

In hyper-local news, a Boise man continues to enjoy having adopted a cat recently:


What's the deal with cats and boxes, huh?

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Russia Wants Its CIA Asset Spy Back, HECKUVA JOB, EVERYONE!

That didn't take long.

Ayup, that is the spy we've been talking about all week long, the one who helped the Obama administration figure out things like "Vladimir Putin personally ordered the ratfucking operation to hurt Hillary Clinton and help install Dear Orange Leader Trump in office." Heckuva job, literally everyone!

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Meet Briscoe Cain, The Texas Rep Idiot Who Death Threated Beto Last Night. WHAT A BIG MAN!

Beto O'Rourke had a good debate last night. First of all, he was warned beforehand that he was not allowed to say his normal campaign speech, which is "COCK DICK MOTHERFUCKER PISS WHISTLE BOOTIE HOLE WEENER WEENER WEENER" -- fits on a long bumper sticker! -- because there wouldn't be a delay to bleep out his naughtiness, and he mostly remained cuss-free! Candidates on the stage seemed like they were having a competition to say nice things to Beto, specifically about how amazing he's been speaking out after the horrific mass terrorist shooting in his hometown of El Paso. We reckon that while Beto may not be in striking distance of becoming one of the frontrunners in the presidential race, he's about at the front of the pack when it comes to the veepstakes, especially if somebody like Warren wins. (Those frontrunners are not idiots. They would like to win Texas.)

And one of Beto's big moments came when he was asked if he was FOR REAL when he said he was gonna grab yer guns, specifically your AR-15s and your AK-47. His answer? Fuck yes he is. Or rather, because he was not allowed to say cusses, FUDGE YEAH!

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Trump Loses His African-American, Now Down To A Mismatched Burlap And Pebble

Donald Trump has lost his African-American. If it's any help, we're usually the last place you put us. During the 2016 presidential campaign, Trump spotted Gregory Cheadle -- who is black and not the actor Don -- in the crowd at one of his rallies. He paused his rambling nonsense to point at Cheadle and exclaim, "Look at my African-American over here! Look at him. Are you the greatest?" We don't recommend dehumanizing black people by assuming we're your personal property. That fad only lasted for 400 years.

Trump's African-American tried sticking it out in the GOP's "One of The Good Ones" club, where membership has no privileges. But he's finally had enough. Cheadle revealed to PBS News Hour that he's done with Trump's ragtag band of racists and is now a free agent.

CHEADLE: President Trump is a rich guy who is mired in white privilege to the extreme. Republicans are too sheepish to call him out on anything and they are afraid of losing their positions and losing any power themselves.

Cheadle hasn't been back on the plantation that long and already he's race-baiting and waging class warfare. It was all building up inside during the eight goddamn years he wasn't supporting Barack Obama.

Trump Praises to 'My African American' Supporter www.youtube.com

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Nice Time

Come Up For Air And Have Some Nice Things

We've got a new book club coming up, some George Orwell history, Molly Ivins, and non-Newtonian cat physics.

The news continues to be terrible, and so we continue to need these weekly reminders that not everything is horrible -- just the biggest things going on right now! There, don't you feel a lot better?

In hyper-local news, a Boise man continues to enjoy having adopted a cat recently:


What's the deal with cats and boxes, huh?

Keep reading... Show less
popular

CNN Guy Bravely Sticks Up For Insurance Company Lovers Who Are Feeling Personally Attacked By Warren And Sanders

Oh jeez.

I shouldn't have clicked.

Here I was, looking around for something PERKY for the open thread (which is difficult for me because I don't really have a good understanding of what perky is), when I came upon the following CNN headline:

Warren and Sanders say Americans don't like their health insurance. Polls don't back that up.

And I knew! I knew it was going to be stupid, I knew it was going to be terrible, I knew it was going to make me want to put my fist through a wall, but I clicked anyway and it was worse than I had even imagined. So I am going to yell about it, if that is OK with all of you!

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popular

Seth Rich's Family May Now Sue The Pants Off Of Fox News, Appeals Court Rules

GOOD.

For the past God knows how many years at this point, the family of Seth Rich, a former DNC staffer who was murdered during a botched robbery, has had to deal with an onslaught of completely absurd conspiracy theories about his death — conspiracy theories pushed, in no small part, by Fox News and Sean Hannity in particular.

You've probably heard it before, but just in case you haven't, it goes a little something like this — Seth Rich was working for the DNC one day, when he realized that the DNC was actually very bad and decided to leak a bunch their of emails to Julian Assange and Wikileaks, and then Hillary Clinton found about about it and immediately figured out (magically!) that this random guy she'd never met before was the one what done it and she was so mad that she had him murdered or something, and oh my God #ClintonBodyCount!!!

It is very stupid, but so are the people who believe in it.

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popular

Anti-Vaxxer Throws Bloody Diva Cup At California State Senate, 'For The Dead Babies'

Ew and also WHAT?

On Friday afternoon, while the California State Senate prepared to go into recess, some wacky-ass anti-vaxx lady went and got herself arrested after she "threw a feminine hygiene device containing what appeared to be blood onto the Senate floor" at the senators... while screaming that she was doing it "for the dead babies." How PETA!

Naturally, all of the senators in the building responded to this action by saying, in unison, "Oh wow, we hadn't thought about that before! Never mind, it is totally cool if you want to send your unvaccinated children to school so they can infect children who have compromised immune systems with the measles!"

Except not. Because throwing a diva cup at someone is not a good way to make a point about anything. It is mostly just gross.

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popular

Your Weekly Top Ten Is Too Busy To Talk To You Right Now

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

Sorry, haters, ain't got time to talk to ya right now, our big annual drunken neighborhood festival starts in a few minutes and we gotta get our shit together. So let's DO THIS.

Before we count down the top ten stories of the week, here is your obligatory money beg, because if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE. Give us money to keep the lights on up in here! Better yet? SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! Thank you, we love you, you pay our rent.

Also, have you been to the Wonkette Flea Market lately, in order to find some rare finds? We have all kinds of merches, like t-shirts and coffee cups featuring your favorite candidates, and also just Wonkette-branded swag. Maybe there is some you do not have! GO FIND OUT.

Ready to count down the top stories? Yes, you are.

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News

Trump: What If We Just Did The Obama Iran Deal ... BUT STUPIDER?

Art of the Deal, everyone!

Let's end this week the way we start and end every week: by shaking our heads and marveling at how goshdang DUMB the current occupant of the Oval Office is.

After all the fanfare of Trump pulling out of the Iran Nuclear Deal ostensibly because the Iranians weren't in compliance (they were), but really because it had Obama's name on it, Trump has decided that maybe he would like to do some Obama Iran deal for himself, albeit in a specifically dumber and Trumpier way.

Approximately eight and one quarter seconds after Trump ridded himself of this meddlesome John Bolton, the Daily Beast reported:

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2020 presidential election

Get Elizabeth Warren's Government Hands Off Our Social Security! Just Kidding, Liz, FEEL IT UP PROPER!

As an Old Fart, Yr Dox Zoom is all for this!

Elizabeth Warren has a crazy idea: Instead of acting like Paul Ryan should ever have been taken seriously, even once, how about we improve Social Security? She proposes increasing monthly Social Security benefits for everyone currently receiving them by $200 a month, and also taking steps to improve the retirement incomes of those who traditionally have not been able to get much out of Social Security because the system was never very kind to some kinds of workers: "women and caregivers, low-income workers, public sector workers, students and job-seekers, and people with disabilities." Not surprisingly, it's paid for by increasing Social Security taxes on the top two percent of Americans, who currently pay a far smaller portion of their income into the system than most workers.

It's a heck of a good plan, and an economic analysis by Mark Zandy of Moody's Analytics found it would raise 4.9 million seniors out of poverty, increase economic growth, stabilize the Social Security program, and even reduce the federal deficit by a trillion dollars over 10 years. Let's take a look at this sucker, and then have a nice nap. Is there a draft in here?

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Russia

Russia Wants Its CIA Asset Spy Back, HECKUVA JOB, EVERYONE!

Fucking hell.

That didn't take long.

Ayup, that is the spy we've been talking about all week long, the one who helped the Obama administration figure out things like "Vladimir Putin personally ordered the ratfucking operation to hurt Hillary Clinton and help install Dear Orange Leader Trump in office." Heckuva job, literally everyone!

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2020 presidential election

Who The F*ck Is Elizabeth Heng And Why Is She Setting Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez On Fire?

She has excellent history reasons: Democrats are the Khmer Rouge.

During last night's Democratic debate, a seriously weirdass ad ran in a number of large media markets, depicting a photo of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez catching fire and burning. Behind the burning face of AOC was the "real face of socialism": photographs of skulls and dead bodies from Cambodia's killing fields. The point, in case you miss it, is that all socialism leads to genocide, as narrator Elizabeth Heng, a failed 2018 GOP congressional candidate, explained:

This is the face of socialism and ignorance. Does Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez know the horror of socialism? My father was minutes from death in Cambodia before a forced marriage saved his life. That's socialism. Forced obedience. Starvation. Mine is a face of freedom. My skin is not white. I'm not outrageous, racist or socialist. I'm a Republican.

"I'm not outrageous," huh? Citation Needed, as they say.

Not surprisingly, a lot of viewers wondered what the fuck that was all about, and why ABC would accept an ad that accuses a sitting member of Congress of being in league with mass murderers. (Quick answer: It was an ad buy through multiple local markets; the ad didn't air nationally, so tweeting #BoycottABC won't accomplish anything.) But now people are talking about Elizabeth Heng and her one-woman PAC, "New Faces GOP PAC," which the Daily Beast reports "appears to be purely a Heng-related venture." So who is this loon and why is she insisting AOC will genocide you?

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popular

Unfunny Racist SNL Hire Shane Gillis Hopes His Non-Apology Will Save His Career

For the sake of comedy, let us hope it does not.

Yesterday, Saturday Night Live announced three new hires for its upcoming 45th season: Bowen Yang, the show's very first East Asian cast member, Chloe Fineman, a woman, and Shane Gillis, some tool who enjoys making terrible racist jokes about Asian people and claiming that women are not funny.

After the announcement, freelance writer Seth Simmons posted a video of Gillis on his podcast ("Matt And Shane's Secret Podcast"), from September of 2018, in which he and whoever the hell Matt is made a stunning variety of gross Chinese jokes, did bad impressions of Chinese people talking, referred to Chinese people as "ch*nks," whined about the existence of Chinatown, and said a bunch of stupid shit about MSG.

Not the point, I realize, but the whole "MSG makes you dizzy and gives you headaches!" thing is some extremely racist nonsense. Glutamate, the source of umami flavor, is in, like, 90 percent of all delicious foods (cheese! soup! tomatoes! anchovies! proshoot! bacon! fish sauces!), and if those don't make you "dizzy" and give you a headache, then you are full of shit. Hell, there is more glutamate in Italian food than there is in Chinese food.

As of right now, Gillis still has his job on SNL. One would think, in this day and age, that there would be some form of background checks for these types of jobs, but I guess not!

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Class War

Trump's Final Homeless Solution Will Be TERRIFIC, By Which We Mean Terrifying.

Policy ideas from Soylent Green seldom work out well.

"I'm glad I'm living in the land of the free / Where the rich just get richer / And the poor you don't ever have to see" -- Randy Newman, "The World Isn't Fair"

Donald Trump has reportedly been demanding that the federal government clear out all the homeless people in California -- not because he's particularly concerned about homelessness nationwide, but because 1) Fox News has been harping on homeless people in California for the last few months and B) bashing California gets his rally crowds worked up. And that is how policy in the USA gets made these days. Yes, really; the Washington Post's initial story Tuesday on Trump's suddenly discovered need to clean up homelessness makes that quite clear:

Fox News has aired at least 18 segments on California homelessness in 2019, according to a review of Fox closed-captioning transcripts. None of the segments aired before June, and 10 aired in August alone.

We deeply appreciate the explanatory coda to that paragraph: "Trump is known to absorb content and ideas from Fox News." Which is why the Great Man's minions are now preparing to put on a show of doing something, anything, that can be seen on video to satisfy him. No, actually funding housing and programs that would keep people from becoming homeless is not visually interesting enough. Something along these lines would be a lot more exciting. Could we try this please?

Soylent Green. Bucket detain www.youtube.com

Then we could replace WIC and SNAP benefits with monthly shipments of Soylent products. They're packed with protein and shelf-stable!

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Guns

Meet Briscoe Cain, The Texas Rep Idiot Who Death Threated Beto Last Night. WHAT A BIG MAN!

Also describes himself as 'gorgeous wife' in his Twitter bio.

Beto O'Rourke had a good debate last night. First of all, he was warned beforehand that he was not allowed to say his normal campaign speech, which is "COCK DICK MOTHERFUCKER PISS WHISTLE BOOTIE HOLE WEENER WEENER WEENER" -- fits on a long bumper sticker! -- because there wouldn't be a delay to bleep out his naughtiness, and he mostly remained cuss-free! Candidates on the stage seemed like they were having a competition to say nice things to Beto, specifically about how amazing he's been speaking out after the horrific mass terrorist shooting in his hometown of El Paso. We reckon that while Beto may not be in striking distance of becoming one of the frontrunners in the presidential race, he's about at the front of the pack when it comes to the veepstakes, especially if somebody like Warren wins. (Those frontrunners are not idiots. They would like to win Texas.)

And one of Beto's big moments came when he was asked if he was FOR REAL when he said he was gonna grab yer guns, specifically your AR-15s and your AK-47. His answer? Fuck yes he is. Or rather, because he was not allowed to say cusses, FUDGE YEAH!

Keep reading... Show less
SCOTUS

Supreme Court Did Thing Again. It Was Not A Good Thing

'Go back to Mexico' would make more sense if the people were from Mexico.

We're treating immigrants like shit again.

This week, the Supreme Court allowed the Trump regime to bar immigrants who arrive at the US border from seeking asylum, unless they have sought asylum in another country first. The decision in Barr v. East Bay Sanctuary Covenant means the Trump regime can, in essence, bar all people from Central America arriving on foot from seeking asylum in the US, no matter how terrible the conditions they are fleeing. The rule does not allow for any consideration of whether the immigrants would be safe in that third country.

Giphy

Justice Sonia Sotomayor dissented, joined by RBG, reminding us that there is some good left in the world.

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Post-Racial America

Trump Loses His African-American, Now Down To A Mismatched Burlap And Pebble

Black man starts to suspect that Trump MIGHT BE a racist POS.

Donald Trump has lost his African-American. If it's any help, we're usually the last place you put us. During the 2016 presidential campaign, Trump spotted Gregory Cheadle -- who is black and not the actor Don -- in the crowd at one of his rallies. He paused his rambling nonsense to point at Cheadle and exclaim, "Look at my African-American over here! Look at him. Are you the greatest?" We don't recommend dehumanizing black people by assuming we're your personal property. That fad only lasted for 400 years.

Trump's African-American tried sticking it out in the GOP's "One of The Good Ones" club, where membership has no privileges. But he's finally had enough. Cheadle revealed to PBS News Hour that he's done with Trump's ragtag band of racists and is now a free agent.

CHEADLE: President Trump is a rich guy who is mired in white privilege to the extreme. Republicans are too sheepish to call him out on anything and they are afraid of losing their positions and losing any power themselves.

Cheadle hasn't been back on the plantation that long and already he's race-baiting and waging class warfare. It was all building up inside during the eight goddamn years he wasn't supporting Barack Obama.

Trump Praises to 'My African American' Supporter www.youtube.com

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popular

DEBATE-A-PALOOZA! Wonkagenda For Fri., Sept. 13, 2019

Another 2020 Dem debate, the GOP goes to Baltimore, and Big Tech's got a teensy problem. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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