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David Brooks Knows Who Killed America: Elizabeth Warren, In The White House, With A Plan

David Brooks has seen the future and it's an Elizabeth Warren presidency. Awesome! But let's not get too excited. Brooks isn't known for his prognosticative powers.

RealClearPolitics

In his latest column that the New York Times still prints for some reason, Brooks "looks back" on a Warren presidency from the year 2050. I don't know why he chose this specific point in the future. Thirty years after George H.W. Bush was elected, the Times forgot all about Willie Horton and instead wrote about his "uncommon grace." By 2050, they'll be releasing glowing biographies about Warren called The Selfie Queen. But Brooks, who'll still write for the Times in 2050 because God hates us, promises to paint a more sober picture.

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RUDY GIULIANI, ARE YOU OK? DO YOU NEED TO FIND A POLICEMAN OR A GROWNUP?

Lordy! So much news keeps coming out about the biggest Trump scandal of the entire week, which is that Stephen Miller has a real girlfriend, and she apparently doesn't have a travel ban on his wangus landing its plane in her lady garden! Wow!

Just kidding, that is not the big news.

Ukraine. It was Ukraine. The foreign leader with whom Trump has been having sexxx chats, and in the process promising something so out of bounds for an American president, is the president of Ukraine, according to the Washington Post. Allow Wonkette to note that we CALLED IT, while everybody else was yammering about everybody but Ukraine, Wonkette figured it out and CALLED IT.

And we think we know approximately what Trump has been doing. The New York Times reported yesterday that the whistleblower complaint wasn't about a single phone call, but a series of actions by the president, which tracks with what we've been covering here for months now, namely that Trump seems to have been literally extorting Ukraine, by holding up military aid and demanding Ukraine commence bullshit investigations based on disproven allegations about Joe Biden that came out of Rudy Giuliani's asshole. (Around here, we call the made-up scandal "Ukrainium One.")

In essence Trump has been saying "You don't get your aid unless you do NO COLLUSION to help me cheat my way into a second term by framing investigating my political opponents." Oh yeah, and he wants Ukraine to FESS UP that it only paid Paul Manafort all that blood money as part of a Deep State campaign led by Hillary Clinton. Or something. Yes, this is what supposedly sane and sentient human beings on the Right believe. No, it makes no fucking sense. Anyway, it's mostly the Biden thing, based on Trump's hallucination that Joe Biden somehow fired the corrupt Ukrainian prosecutor who was looking into a company Biden's idiot son Hunter was one the board of. None of that happened.

Rudy Giuliani has been traveling the globe meeting with Ukrainians to push his and Trump's bullshit investigation, and canceling trips to Ukraine when the media shined a light on the rat, so of course when last night's Ukraine news came out, Giuliani hopped, skipped and tripped his way over to CNN to have an absolute meltdown on Chris Cuomo's TV show. And when we say "meltdown," we need to stress that it's just a placeholder word, because we haven't figured out the appropriate English word for what Giuliani did to himself and Trump last night.

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Darrell Issa's Nomination To Trump Trade Job Burns Down To The Ground

There's a lot going on this week, but let's not miss this opportunity to take one more parting shot at recently "retired" congressman Darrell Issa of Luckyfires, California, whose confirmation hearing for Director of the United States Trade and Development Agency went totally off the rails yesterday. Donald Trump nominated Issa for the position on September 19, 2018, and his fellow Republicans in the Senate were so excited about it that they waited an entire year to take it up in the Foreign Relations Committee. And then Rand Paul sided with the Democrats who moved to go into closed session to hear all the filthy, dirty deeds kicked up in Issa's FBI background check. Womp womp.

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Stephen Miller Reportedly Doing Coitus

Forget about the whistleblower story about Donald Trump probably committing literal actual treason, because there is more important news out there, and it is that unfuckable Trump sycophant mini-Hitler baldhead dork who makes "34" look like a really rough "60" Stephen Miller IS REPORTEDLY BONING A HUMAN PERSON! And this reportedly human person is ALLOWING THAT.

Truly, the very last thing we expected to learn in the news today, or any other day, was that Stephen Miller is allegedly sexually active, unless it involved pending criminal charges or a cease-and-desist letter from 4H.

The news came in a tweet from Washington Post reporter Nick Miroff, atop a story about how Mike Pence had "tapped" (get away from Stephen's lady friend, Mike!) a former DHS press spox as his new press secretary:

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popular

Grifty Jacob Wohl Has Some Hot Tips On Being Manly And Whatnot

And a theory about how feminists murdered briefcases!

Although Jacob Wohl has been kicked off of Twitter and was charged with a felony earlier this month, he is not letting those setbacks keep his Instagram game down. Which is both a curse and another curse, but also sort of a blessing because, not gonna lie, it is a hilarious hate read.

Gone are the days of overhearing hipsters in coffee shops talk about how much they love Donald Trump. Wohl's schtick now is complaining that none of the men are as manly as he is, and listing the various things that feminists have cruelly destroyed in order to keep Wohl and others like him from living their best Don Draper lives.

So let's laugh at them, shall we?

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popular

Tony Perkins Absolutely Outraged That House Dems Oppose Government Subsidized Hate Groups

This Thursday, the House Ways And Means committee held a hearing to discuss the fact that over 60 hate groups have a non-profit status that allows them to be tax exempt, and to consider the fact that it is perhaps a bad idea for the United States Government to be subsidizing literal Nazis.



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Post-Racial America

Candace Owens Says We All Need To Just Chill The F**K Out About 'White Supremacy'

Forget all those recent murders! It's really no big deal.

The House held hearings Friday on the continued threat of white supremacy in America. This annoyed Republicans, who believe it's like holding hearings about Bigfoot but with less compelling photographic "evidence." They demonstrated their contempt for the proceedings by inviting that perpetual self-loathing machine, Candace Owens, to speak. Owens slammed the hearings as a "farce." For the record, there's absolutely zero value in the opinions of the most embarrassing black woman alive. She's stupid and hates black people. That's the extent of her special skills and training. She didn't even finish college because she realized you don't need a degree to step and fetch professionally.

Wikipedia

OWENS: White supremacy is indeed real, but despite the media's obsessive coverage of it, it represents an isolated, uncoordinated and fringe occurrence within America.

Friday, while Owens was tap-dancing for Republican amusement, the Department of Homeland Security officially recognized white supremacist terror as a major national security threat. A white supremacist murdered 22 people in El Paso, Texas, last month. Another shot up a California synagogue in April. Intelligent people understand this is a serious problem. But Owens claims it doesn't crack her Top 100 issues. It's unclear why she's ranking issues like she works at the record store in High Fidelity. Speaking on behalf of the 3 percent of black women who don't find Trump less appealing than toe jam, Owens described the true threats to our people, which she likely read on the bathroom wall at Fox News: Surprise! It's "black-on-black crime and the breakdown of families."

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lawsplainer

Trump Insists That It's Illegal To Investigate His Crimes, Figures That Everyone Will Just Go Along With It

That... is not actually a law.

According to Trump and his lawyers, he is above the law. Citing no cases that support his proposition, Trump has asked the US District Court for the Southern District of New York to declare that no one can investigate him.

The president's attorneys filed Trump v. Vance yesterday morning and requested that the court grant a temporary restraining order against Manhattan District Attorney Cy Vance by noon. The subpoena in question was issued to Trump accountant Mazars back in August, but sure, let's wait until the last second and then demand that a federal court immediately do what we tell them to. Sounds normal.

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popular

Is Anyone Surprised That Trump Is Sending Troops To Saudi Arabia To Protect Oil?

This all seems so familiar somehow...

During the 2000 election and even after, one of the absolute stupidest troll arguments in favor of Trump was that he, supposedly, was "anti-war" and an isolationist. While anyone with half a brain could see that he was obviously disingenuously trying to capitalize on one of Hillary Clinton's major weaknesses — her vote for the Iraq War — and would absolutely get us into war the second he saw any glory or money in it for himself, many of his supporters have continued sticking to this line anyway. Of course, they're almost definitely not actually "anti-war" either, but rather interested in "owning the libs."

Anyway, Trump just authorized sending an unspecified number of troops to Saudi Arabia — a country that recently had American journalist Jamal Khashoggi brutally murdered — following drone attacks on Saudi oil facilities that Trump blames on Iran, although Iran denies this and another group has taken responsibility...

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popular

Your Weekly Top Ten Used To Have A Black Dog But Now We Have ... Whatever This Is

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

Look at that asshole. Yes, for longtime readers who are in the know, that is Lula, whom you know and love. And that is the dirt she covers herself with every single goddamned time she goes in the backyard now, which she obviously thinks is just REAL fuckin' cute. So that is the story of that.

Also next week's top ten will probably have a SURPRISE in it, don't you want a SURPRISE?

Um, anyway.

Before we count down the top ten stories of the week, here is your obligatory money beg, because if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE. Give us money to keep the lights on up in here! Better yet? SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! Thank you, we love you, you pay our rent.

Also, have you been to the Wonkette Flea Market lately, in order to find some rare finds? We have all kinds of merches, like t-shirts and coffee cups featuring your favorite candidates, and also just Wonkette-branded swag. Maybe there is some you do not have! GO FIND OUT.

Ready to count down the top stories? Yes, you are.

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News

Trump: NO UKRAINE CRIMES! NO UKRAINE CRIMES! OK Here Are My Ukraine Crimes.

The fact that he's doing it in plain sight doesn't make it any less bad, Democrats!

Time for your late breaking Friday afternoon update on whatever the hell traitor bullshit Donald Trump is currently committing to benefit his re-election campaign and hurt America!

We'll start with the news that just hit, from the Wall Street Journal, which reports that on that July 25 phone call with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskiy, Trump begged no less than EIGHT TIMES for Ukraine to investigate Biden, and surprise, he said it would be a real good idea if they teamed up with his good and normal and sane pal Rudy Giuliani on the task. Ayup!

"He told him that he should work with [Mr. Giuliani] on Biden, and that people in Washington wanted to know" whether allegations were true or not, one of the people said. Mr. Trump didn't mention a provision of foreign aid to Ukraine on the call, said this person, who didn't believe Mr. Trump offered the Ukrainian president any quid-pro-quo for his cooperation on an investigation.

It doesn't matter if they talked about it on that call. We already know the whistleblower complaint is about a series of actions taken by the president, many of which we laid out here, and not just one isolated phone call.

EIGHT FUCKING TIMES?

So, Donald Trump, what have you to say, now that we are learning of your not-so-secret extortion of the nation of Ukraine, holding military aid bucks and threatening to keep them if the Ukrainian government refuses to investigate your political rivals, ALLEGEDLY? Well, he started running his mouth this morning:

It was PITCH PERFECT! It was a beautiful phone call, where the president of United States pushed the Ukrainian president to investigate Joe Biden EIGHT TIMES, for purposes that have zero to do with national security, but everything to do with his own political fortunes. FLAWLESS VICTORY!

Of course, we note that he referred to the whistleblower, using quotation marks that no actual English speaker would endorse, as "highly partisan." All that means in Trump-speak is "somebody who thinks I did a bad thing." It could have easily been a lifelong Republican who voted for Trump, for all we know. We are 100 percent certain, though, that whoever it is, it is a person who loves America more than the pissbaby unelected "president."

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popular

Let's Look At Some Nice Pictures Of The Global Climate Strike!

The kids are all right.

All across the world today, millions and millions of students and workers are walking out of school and work to demand action on climate change from world leaders, because they'd all really like to be able to live to adulthood. The protests, led by 16-year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg, are meant to build upon the FridaysForFuture protests that students have been participating in throughout the last year. Which is pretty awesome! Thank you, kids!

What are they asking for?


The climate crisis is an emergency – we want everyone to start acting like it. We demand climate justice for everyone. Our hotter planet is already hurting millions of people. If we don't act now to transition fairly and swiftly away from fossil fuels to 100% renewable energy for all, the injustice of the climate crisis will only get worse. We need to act right now to stop burning fossil fuels and ensure a rapid energy revolution with equity, reparations and climate justice at its heart.

That seems like it just might be a good idea. After all, we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy.

Naturally, the sneering shitheads over at Fox and Friends could barely contain their giggles over the very idea that we might do some stuff to save the planet. They were even more outraged that school children in some areas were getting an excused absence to go to these protests. To be fair, it is very rude and selfish of these students to put their own lives and welfare ahead of that of large corporations that enjoy making money.

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popular

Trump Has Secret Plan To Steal MORE Money From Troops For WALL

Only no one in the White House can keep a secret, so we all know about it.

Donald Trump has an exciting new plan to pay for his stupid Fuck You Mexico WALL. After negotiating with Congress to end the shutdown in February and accept just $1.4 billion in WALLbux, Trump promptly turned around and declared a state of emergency to justify raiding military construction funds for another $3.6 billion. Now he's pressing Congressional Democrats to "backfill" the money or else they "hate the troops." At which point, he will steal it again!

AND MEXICO WILL PAY FOR IT, LOL.

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Russia

Moscow Mitch Does Absolute Least He Can Do On Election Security, DO NOT CONGRATULATE

Fuck off, ADDISON MOSCOW MITCHELL MCCONNELL, JUNIOR!

Huh, weird. We guess Moscow Mitch doesn't really like being called Moscow Mitch, so finally, Thursday, he decided to come out in support of a Band-Aid solution for election security. Maybe people won't call him Moscow Mitch anymore? Haha, fuck off, Moscow Mitch, people gonna call you that at your damn funeral.

If you are thinking to yourself, "bet it's some lame bullshit" or "bet it's not actually what the Democrats were fighting for" or anything along those lines, congratulations, you have apparently heard of Mitch McConnell before today!

In a surprise development, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced his support on Thursday for additional money to bolster the country's election system ahead of the 2020 vote, a move that counters his earlier position resisting calls for more funding.

McConnell, R-Ky., said he is co-sponsoring an amendment to an appropriations bill that would provide $250 million for election security.

That's nice.

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Media/Entertainment

David Brooks Knows Who Killed America: Elizabeth Warren, In The White House, With A Plan

Brooks predicts nightmare future where smart woman is president.

David Brooks has seen the future and it's an Elizabeth Warren presidency. Awesome! But let's not get too excited. Brooks isn't known for his prognosticative powers.

RealClearPolitics

In his latest column that the New York Times still prints for some reason, Brooks "looks back" on a Warren presidency from the year 2050. I don't know why he chose this specific point in the future. Thirty years after George H.W. Bush was elected, the Times forgot all about Willie Horton and instead wrote about his "uncommon grace." By 2050, they'll be releasing glowing biographies about Warren called The Selfie Queen. But Brooks, who'll still write for the Times in 2050 because God hates us, promises to paint a more sober picture.

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News

RUDY GIULIANI, ARE YOU OK? DO YOU NEED TO FIND A POLICEMAN OR A GROWNUP?

Uh oh, Rudy got his dick caught in Ukraine's cookie jar!

Lordy! So much news keeps coming out about the biggest Trump scandal of the entire week, which is that Stephen Miller has a real girlfriend, and she apparently doesn't have a travel ban on his wangus landing its plane in her lady garden! Wow!

Just kidding, that is not the big news.

Ukraine. It was Ukraine. The foreign leader with whom Trump has been having sexxx chats, and in the process promising something so out of bounds for an American president, is the president of Ukraine, according to the Washington Post. Allow Wonkette to note that we CALLED IT, while everybody else was yammering about everybody but Ukraine, Wonkette figured it out and CALLED IT.

And we think we know approximately what Trump has been doing. The New York Times reported yesterday that the whistleblower complaint wasn't about a single phone call, but a series of actions by the president, which tracks with what we've been covering here for months now, namely that Trump seems to have been literally extorting Ukraine, by holding up military aid and demanding Ukraine commence bullshit investigations based on disproven allegations about Joe Biden that came out of Rudy Giuliani's asshole. (Around here, we call the made-up scandal "Ukrainium One.")

In essence Trump has been saying "You don't get your aid unless you do NO COLLUSION to help me cheat my way into a second term by framing investigating my political opponents." Oh yeah, and he wants Ukraine to FESS UP that it only paid Paul Manafort all that blood money as part of a Deep State campaign led by Hillary Clinton. Or something. Yes, this is what supposedly sane and sentient human beings on the Right believe. No, it makes no fucking sense. Anyway, it's mostly the Biden thing, based on Trump's hallucination that Joe Biden somehow fired the corrupt Ukrainian prosecutor who was looking into a company Biden's idiot son Hunter was one the board of. None of that happened.

Rudy Giuliani has been traveling the globe meeting with Ukrainians to push his and Trump's bullshit investigation, and canceling trips to Ukraine when the media shined a light on the rat, so of course when last night's Ukraine news came out, Giuliani hopped, skipped and tripped his way over to CNN to have an absolute meltdown on Chris Cuomo's TV show. And when we say "meltdown," we need to stress that it's just a placeholder word, because we haven't figured out the appropriate English word for what Giuliani did to himself and Trump last night.

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Congress

Darrell Issa's Nomination To Trump Trade Job Burns Down To The Ground

The conflagration was fast and furious.

There's a lot going on this week, but let's not miss this opportunity to take one more parting shot at recently "retired" congressman Darrell Issa of Luckyfires, California, whose confirmation hearing for Director of the United States Trade and Development Agency went totally off the rails yesterday. Donald Trump nominated Issa for the position on September 19, 2018, and his fellow Republicans in the Senate were so excited about it that they waited an entire year to take it up in the Foreign Relations Committee. And then Rand Paul sided with the Democrats who moved to go into closed session to hear all the filthy, dirty deeds kicked up in Issa's FBI background check. Womp womp.

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Education

FINALLY! Betsy DeVos ORDERING Universities To Remake Curricula For Jesus And Netanyahu

And we thought she was just there for the for-profit scam colleges!

Betsy DeVos wants North Carolina students to know what a friend they don't have in Allah. Duke and the objectively superior University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill jointly run a Middle East studies program. The Education Department under DeVos's crackpot leadership contends that the program offers students as "biased curriculum" and has ordered Duke and UNC to remake the program (and reality while they're at it) to present more "positive" images of Christianity and Judaism in the region. If they don't, they risk losing their funding.

This federal intervention into college course content is both rare and fucked up. The Education Department argues the Middle East studies program "violated the standards of a federal program that awards funding to international studies and foreign language programs." We doubt DeVos knows what those standards are or would understand them if you told her. But the fundamentalist Christian won't stand for any perceived anti-Israel bias in higher education.

Leading the charge is Kenneth L. Marcus. He's Donald Trump's assistant secretary for civil rights in the Education Department, so you know you're getting screwed. The position traditionally confronts racial bias and sexual violence. Marcus has as much use for that as Ben Shapiro does for an item on the top shelf. Marcus is obsessed with what he sees as a rising tide of anti-Semitism on the "campus left." He conflates Jews and Israel, which we personally think is itself anti-Semitic. But so it goes. When working in the George W. Bush administration, Marcus did reinforce protections for Muslims and Sikhs who were discriminated against during that brief period of love and harmony everyone claims happened after 9/11. He's over that phase now. He currently seeks to "delegitimize and defund" Middle East studies programs with "an anti-Israel bias." He probably defines "bias" as recognizing that Israel is populated with human beings who aren't perfect and occasionally make Netanyahu-shaped mistakes.

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News

Rudy Sh*ts The Bed (Again)! Wonkagenda For Fri., Sept. 20, 2019

Rudy admits a(nother) crime on TV, Rep. Matt Gaetz gets racist, and stoned dolphins. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Culture

Uh Oh! Did Fox Just 'Cancel Culture' Taylor Swift?

She's a woman so it doesn't count.

For the last week, at least, the Right has raged online over Saturday Night Live's firing of terrible comedian Shane Gillis — who was reportedly only hired in the first place as a desperate attempt to appeal to conservatives, and was thus able to forego the usual audition process — for having simply made the "mistake" of doing a bunch of obviously racist jokes about Chinese people. Oh! How they have felt the pain of this poor white man having his entire future ruined just for one little mistake that is reportedly the kind of thing he does all of the time. How they have railed against the destruction of freedom of speech! The slippery slope of holding people accountable for the things they say! How could he have known, way back in the mists of 2018, that making fun of Chinese people would be a thing people considered "racist" in 2019? And even if it were a bad thing he did, he might have changed, if only he never had to face any consequences for what he did. Now he'll probably have to be a racist who tells bad jokes forever! Don't we want people to change?

Oh how sick they were of this terrible, anti-freedom of speech culture in which you keep seeing people say things like, "Oh hey, that guy is very racist, so I don't want to watch a show with him on it or buy his albums or hear anything else he has to say." After all, what is even the difference between saying something sexist or racist and having a favorite color? They are both simply opinions, and all opinions are equally valid.

That is, until, this morning, when the gang over at Fox and Friends questioned whether or not good American citizens should continue buying Taylor Swift's albums and such, now that she has come out of the closet as someone who is not only a Democrat, but as someone who voted for Barack Obama and liked having him as a president. What? So controversial!

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