It's Your Virtual Joe Biden Inauguration Vendor Cart!

Hello, good morning, welcome to the first day of the rest of our lives!

The other night, as we were parceling out our Inauguration Day Advent Calendar mini liquor bottles, my son what prints your merches in our basement factory said, regarding the only two days remaining before our long national nightmare would (PRESUMABLY) come to an end, "Already? That was fast!" and my husband almost murdered him right there in the kitchen where he stood.


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"'FAST'? 'ALREADY'?" he bellowed, followed by a cartoon string of epithets. He had a really good point! Every single day of the past four years has been a fight to even continue existing, and that's before the shithead that unaccountably somehow got "elected" president of the United States affirmatively killed more than 400,000 Americans and attempted to murder democracy itself.


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It has been, dear ones, a trial.

Four years ago, I put "three months" in the office pool for how long it would be before Trump got bored and resigned because people were mean to him. I undershot it by 45 months. You should never ever ever listen to me.

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My Pillow Guy Dropped By Kohls, Picked Up By Dominion Voting's Lawyers

Mike Lindell didn't get where he is in this life by being shy. The former addict turned pillow pumper built a successful company by just going for it, and he's not about to stop now. The problem with just saying whatever's on your mind, though, is that sometimes it gets you in trouble — particularly when your mind is filled with syphilitic ferrets shouting COUP! COUP! COUP!

And so it is that Lindell finds his company dropped by multiple major national retailers just as he receives a preservation letter from the company he's been shit talking for months. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

For reasons not entirely clear, the White House has consulted Lindell on everything from coronavirus treatments to election security. Lindell, who failed to graduate from the University of Minnesota, has expertise in neither area. But he's been an ardent supporter of the president, and in the Trump administration, that's good enough.

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The Inside Story Of Trump's Delusional Three-Month Slide Into Outright Fascism And Eternal Loserdom!

Twenty twenty twenty four hours to goooo, Trump might need to be sedated ... nothing to do, nowhere to goooo-oh ...

Oh hello! We're almost to the 24-hour countdown, where you start seeing footage of the ball drop in Australia and all the people cheering because at least where they live, Donald Trump is no longer president of the United States. Or at least they should do it that way.

While we're waiting, Axios, yes Axios, has been publishing an outstanding ongoing series with original reporting on Trump's unraveling, his utter collapse, and his descent into utter loser and victimhood, from his historic loss on election night to his present status as a twice-impeached loser whose legacy will be the terrorist attack he incited on the US Capitol on January 6.

Apparently it goes with a podcast, so that's exciting if you're into that sort of thing. Being Axios, though, each dispatch is little and bite-sized, just the 100-calorie snack pack of news you need to get through your day with the appropriate level of Trump schadenfreude.

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Of All The Classless Trump A-Holes, We Think We'll Miss Melania Most Of All

We already knew Donald Trump was too small of a man-baby to leave office with any class, to even try to do any of the ceremonial things real presidents do when they leave office. There will be no meeting with the incoming president, and we are pretty sure he won't leave any nice letters for Joe Biden, not that Biden would want one anyway. Trump's ego really wanted some kind of big military parade send-off, so he could try to upstage the actual inauguration with his own departure, but it appears the Pentagon told him to fuck off.

And now CNN is confirming what we already assumed about our classless dickhead first lady, Melon, namely that she can't even be bothered to greet Dr. Jill Biden and do the traditional thing where the outgoing first lady shows the incoming first lady around the residence. We guess in Melania's case, the tour probably would have involved some sort of obstacle course where medieval daggers fall out of the ceiling if you step on a crack, considering what her Christmas decorations look like, but whatever.

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Nice Time

After Vogon Poetry Years Of President Before Biden, Let's End Our Day With Amanda Gorman's Inauguration Poem

Wow.

At Joe Biden's inaugural today, Amanda Gorman, who is 22, became the youngest poet ever to read a poem at a presidential inauguration. She's a perfect choice to bring back poetry after the literally artless years of the president before Joe Biden. And holy cats, while she may be early in her career, she's hardly a newcomer to writing — she's already a former National Youth Poet Laureate.

NPR notes that, like President Biden, Gorman had a speech impediment as a child; which was one reason she was attracted to poetry: "Having an arena in which I could express my thoughts freely was just so liberating that I fell head over heels, you know, when I was barely a toddler."

Not surprisingly, she feels a kinship with Maya Angelou as well:

"Maya Angelou was mute growing up as a child and she grew up to deliver the inaugural poem for President Bill Clinton," she says. "So I think there is a real history of orators who have had to struggle with a type of imposed voicelessness, you know, having that stage in the inauguration.

And oh, what a voice Gorman shared with us today!


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POTUS

The Day Has Finally Arrived. Your All-Day Biden/Harris Inauguration Liveblog!

This post is pinned to the top of the Wonkette. Scroll down for new stories!

Good morning!

As we type this at you, Donald Trump, that motherfucker, has just lifted off on Marine One from the White House, for the very last time ever in world history. He was supposed to leave much earlier, but we imagine he was busy taking a shit. He's now on his way to Joint Base Andrews, where a crowd of military that's required to be there, plus whoever else Trump managed to bribe or coerce into showing up to wave him "bye bye!" will greet him, so that he may get on Air Force One for the very last time and fly the fuck away.

And then we can breathe one of the many deep sighs of relief we will breathe today. Because it's here. For real. It's January 20, 2021, and as of noon, Donald Trump is not the fucking president. Exhale.

This will be your inauguration day liveblog, and we'll be here updating it all day. Wonkette will have other posts, of course, like for instance on Trump's last-minute pardons of Steve Bannon — who was literally being prosecuted for fucking Trump's own supporters out of their WALL money — and a bunch of other people. We'll do our best to share you those posts in here when they go up.

Here's live coverage of the day, from NBC News:

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Veep

Vice President Kamala Harris: Take Your 'No' And Shove It!

Ass-kicking, bubble-gum chewing, backwards, high heels.

Kamala Harris is now the vice president of the United States. It's a great day, especially when you consider the fly trap she replaced: Mike Pence, who Democrats spent two years trying to make president (weird, right?), wouldn't even dine alone with a woman, lest Jezebel tempt him from mother's embrace. While some conservatives claimed the “Pence Rule" was the only way a powerful man could avoid sexual harassment charges from vengeful hussies, then-Senator Harris slammed this sexist bullshit.

I disagree with [Pence] when he suggests it's not possible to have meetings with women alone by himself. I think that's ridiculous ― the idea that you would deny a professional woman the opportunity to have a meeting with the vice president of the United States is outrageous.

Harris has famously stated that she “eats 'no' for breakfast," and the dumb “Pence Rule" demonstrates how her words weren't just a catchy slogan for a coffee mug. (Though I'm sure you can buy one somewhere, Wonkette's offering for now remains "I'm Speaking.") It's a governing philosophy in a world where male insecurity erects barriers for women at all levels.

The best mentors are those who've successfully walked the uncertain path in front of you. They won't tell you it's easy, because they aren't as invested in believing it's easy, that anyone could pull it off if they just tried.

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