My Pillow Guy Dropped By Kohls, Picked Up By Dominion Voting's Lawyers

Mike Lindell didn't get where he is in this life by being shy. The former addict turned pillow pumper built a successful company by just going for it, and he's not about to stop now. The problem with just saying whatever's on your mind, though, is that sometimes it gets you in trouble — particularly when your mind is filled with syphilitic ferrets shouting COUP! COUP! COUP!

And so it is that Lindell finds his company dropped by multiple major national retailers just as he receives a preservation letter from the company he's been shit talking for months. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

For reasons not entirely clear, the White House has consulted Lindell on everything from coronavirus treatments to election security. Lindell, who failed to graduate from the University of Minnesota, has expertise in neither area. But he's been an ardent supporter of the president, and in the Trump administration, that's good enough.

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The Inside Story Of Trump's Delusional Three-Month Slide Into Outright Fascism And Eternal Loserdom!

Twenty twenty twenty four hours to goooo, Trump might need to be sedated ... nothing to do, nowhere to goooo-oh ...

Oh hello! We're almost to the 24-hour countdown, where you start seeing footage of the ball drop in Australia and all the people cheering because at least where they live, Donald Trump is no longer president of the United States. Or at least they should do it that way.

While we're waiting, Axios, yes Axios, has been publishing an outstanding ongoing series with original reporting on Trump's unraveling, his utter collapse, and his descent into utter loser and victimhood, from his historic loss on election night to his present status as a twice-impeached loser whose legacy will be the terrorist attack he incited on the US Capitol on January 6.

Apparently it goes with a podcast, so that's exciting if you're into that sort of thing. Being Axios, though, each dispatch is little and bite-sized, just the 100-calorie snack pack of news you need to get through your day with the appropriate level of Trump schadenfreude.

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Of All The Classless Trump A-Holes, We Think We'll Miss Melania Most Of All

We already knew Donald Trump was too small of a man-baby to leave office with any class, to even try to do any of the ceremonial things real presidents do when they leave office. There will be no meeting with the incoming president, and we are pretty sure he won't leave any nice letters for Joe Biden, not that Biden would want one anyway. Trump's ego really wanted some kind of big military parade send-off, so he could try to upstage the actual inauguration with his own departure, but it appears the Pentagon told him to fuck off.

And now CNN is confirming what we already assumed about our classless dickhead first lady, Melon, namely that she can't even be bothered to greet Dr. Jill Biden and do the traditional thing where the outgoing first lady shows the incoming first lady around the residence. We guess in Melania's case, the tour probably would have involved some sort of obstacle course where medieval daggers fall out of the ceiling if you step on a crack, considering what her Christmas decorations look like, but whatever.

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Kayleigh McEnany Retires To Florida, Will Search For Real Killers Of Her Conscience

Professional liar Kayleigh McEnany is now just a liar without a lectern. The White House press secretary and Hatch Act-violating Trump campaign adviser packed up her office Friday and fled to Tampa, Florida, the home world for Kayleigh McEnanys. Unlike her predecessor, Stephanie Grisham, who never held an actual press briefing, McEnany gave briefings but they were filled with lies and insults. It's the difference between never taking your kids to Disney World and taking them to a burned-down building and saying it was Disney World.

McEnany's reportedly working “remotely" until Wednesday when Donald Trump's kidney-stone-passing presidency finally ends. Even honest people sometimes phone it in when they “work from home" during their last few days on the job, but McEnany did find time Monday to tweet some empty, hypocritical praise for Dr. Martin Luther King.

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Faith without works is dead, and McEnany's actual work is disgustingly racist. Here's what she said about Senator-elect Raphael Warnock, the pastor at Dr. King's former church.

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Conservatives like McEnany smeared Dr. King as a communist when he was alive (and for quite a while afterward). What's worse than the bigoted slander is that McEnany, a government employee, implies that Warnock didn't “fairly" win his Senate runoff election.

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Trump

Nobody Wants To Come To Trump's Big Stupid Loser Send-Off Pity Party

LOL!

Donald Trump is having the worst last day of his failed loser presidency ever. CNN reports that he's "bitter" and "consumed with grievance" and still clinging to his stupid fantasy world, the one where Americans don't just absoluately loathe him, and did not resoundingly tell him that in the November 3 election.

We already knew Trump and his a-hole wife Melania were eschewing literally all of the traditions of the peaceful transfer of power, which is sort of expected when the last meaningful act of a president is ordering a terrorist attack on the US Capitol. CNN further reports that there will be no farewell address, and at this point, we're not even sure the White House chef is in the mood to give him one last presidential meal, so if you are an Uber Eats driver in DC and you get an order tonight for "one thousand Big Macs and maybe not be so lonely anymore," congrats, you get to see the White House!

We're also learning more about Trump's planned sendoff, scheduled for tomorrow morning at Joint Base Andrews. Trump had wanted a military parade, but the Pentagon was like "Hey what if you stick rocks up your nose instead?" (May not have been Pentagon's exact words.) Then it became this thing at Andrews, maybe with military flyovers and adoring fans crying and calling him "sir" one last time, we dunno. CNN says it's "one of the few items that have cheered him up recently," this idea of a big thingie in his honor, as he fucks off into the sky in Air Force One for one last time.

Welllllllll, the planning for that is not going well. First of all, he's getting on the damn plane at 8 a.m. Eastern, which means most of the country will barely be drinking their coffee by the time it happens. Wonkette gonna liveblog that? Hey what if YOU stick rocks up your nose instead?

If people want to attend in person — and oh boy they are DESPERATE for people to come — they have to show up between 6:00 and 7:15 tomorrow morning. Ayup. Doesn't that sound pleasant?

They sent an invite to Anthony Scaramucci, who haaaaaaate Trump now, so it was pretty obvious they're just looking for seat fillers. (He's not going.) The invitation literally asked people to bring up to five guests apiece, and we assume each of those guests is allowed to bring five guests and each of those is allowed to ... this is a fucking timeshare presentation, isn't it?

People involved in the planning have said they haven't gotten many RSVPs back, from Scaramucci or anybody else.

And now there's new BAD NEWS, because guess who's definitely not going to Trump's little bon voyLOLge party? That's right, it's Mike Pence, the ever-loyal veep Trump sent his followers to try to kill on January 6.

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Congress

Mitch McConnell Calls Biden ‘The People’s Choice,’ Calls Trump A Cab Out Of Washington

The end of the affair.

Senate Majority (soon-to-be-Minority) Leader Mitch McConnell torched Donald Trump on the Senate floor Tuesday. He noted that the last time the Senate convened was after a MAGA mob had attacked Congress on January 6.

MCCONNELL: We had just reclaimed the Capitol from violent criminals who'd tried to stop Congress from doing our duty. The mob was fed lies. They were provoked by the president and other powerful people.

Trump would love to distance himself from the mob he incited, but McConnell isn't letting him. This is a big deal. Before Trump's first annual Senate impeachment trial, McConnell (said he) believed Trump hadn't done anything wrong. He told Sean Hannity that he was actively coordinating with the White House and there'd be "no difference between the president's position and our position."

McConnell and Trump obviously don't share the same position about the Capitol siege. Trump still insists he did nothing wrong, just like his perfect Ukraine call. However, McConnell stated outright that Trump's “Save America" rally speech was a pack of lies. He accused Trump of provoking a mob that broke into the Capitol and killed five people, including a police officer.

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Right Wing Extremism

Madison Cawthorn Remembers Time Madison Cawthorn Saved All Of Congress From Mob He For Sure Didn't Incite

This guy, whew, boy, I don't know!

Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-North Carolina), the charming young Aryan who got elected to Congress despite/because he announced that visiting der Führer 's vacation home was on his bucket list, is still working out how best to spin his participation in the run-up to the failed putsch of January 6. In a fascinating New York magazine piece by Olivia Nuzzi, Cawthorn struggled for words to explain how he wished the day had gone differently. You know, for the sake of the nation, and also for his public image, which has suffered just a skosh since he called on voters to "lightly threaten" members of Congress who didn't overturn the election.

"Literally," Cawthorn said, "I … I … I …" [...]

"In hindsight," Cawthorn went on, "you know, I wish I could've … uhh … if I could, you know … I probably would've … obviously … knowing what happened later in the day … I wish I would've been like, 'Just so you know, we are peaceful protesters.' "
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