Tucker And Laura Teaching Your Nana To Sympathize With QAnon-Loving Domestic Terrorists

If your mom or your dad or your lonely neighbor who keeps to himself and kind of creeps you out was watching Fox News last night, they got to see two of their favorites give them tacit permission to believe a rewarmed Nazi conspiracy theory for the internet age, wherein Democrats and George Soros and all the other (((Jews))) are secretly controlling the world and trafficking children so they can sexually abuse them and steal their adrenochrome for fountain of youth purposes. Yes, their best boy Tucker Carlson, who they bet would be a great son, husband or boyfriend, and Laura Ingraham, who also comes on Fox News, gave them that validation.

Tucker and Laura made your parents and or creepy neighbor feel like it is totally reasonable to believe that MAYBE an 1871 law they'd never heard of until somebody talked about it on the internet this week made the United States IN ACTUALITY an it's not a democracy it's a republic a corporation, which means nobody has to obey any laws passed after that year, and also on March 4, Donald Trump will become the 19th president of the REAL United States, because obviously.

Tucker and Laura weren't saying they believe those things, mind you. They were just saying you have the absolute God-given inalienable right to believe them, and if somebody tries to take that away from you, then you are now "a slave."

Here is what your racist batshit Uncle Dale heard Tucker say last night, while Uncle Dale was cleaning his guns and heating up a Hungry Man, by himself:

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Biden Replaces 'Voice Of America' GOP Hacks With All The Journos They Fired

Just moments after being sworn in, President Joe Biden demanded the resignation of Michael Pack, the Bannon ally Trump dispatched to the United States Agency for Global Media, the parent agency of Voice of America and our other international radio networks, with the mission of murdering them dead. And not a moment too soon!

During Pack's disastrous tenure, he systematically gutted the senior leadership, tore down the firewall protecting journalistic integrity, launched a witch hunt against reporters for supposed anti-Trump bias, and squandered millions of dollars in legal fees in an attempt to justify it all. He will not be missed.

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Top Five Reasons Retiring GOP Sen. Rob Portman Can Go F*ck Himself

Republican Senator Rob Portman of Ohio announced Monday that he's not running for reelection in 2022. He blamed supposed "partisan gridlock," which is entirely Mitch McConnell's fault. Senate Democrats seek “bipartisan consensus" like puppies begging for table scraps. Anyway, here's why Portman thinks the Senate sucks now:

We live in an increasingly polarized country where members of both parties are being pushed further to the right and further to the left, and that means too few people who are actively looking to find common ground. This is not a new phenomenon, of course, but a problem that has gotten worse over the past few decades.

A few things: Senate Democrats' newest members are all to the right of Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, and that's fine! We're a big tent! Raphael Warnock isn't really a “radical liberal Marxist." That was a Republican lie. Josh Hawley, however, is a radical rightwing asshole, and he was elected the same year as conservative Democrat Kyrsten Sinema.

Warren and Ted Cruz were both elected in 2012. Warren is not dramatically more liberal than Ted Kennedy, whose seat she holds. Kennedy was the lion of the Senate, but Cruz is the weasel who feeds on dysfunction. Warren didn't pull silly stunts like shutting down the government or taking entirely the wrong message from Green Eggs and Ham.

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Trump Idiots So Unemployable They Might Have To Work For Trump

Let's check in on the former occupant of the White House:

Great, totally cool, sounds normal. He's hiring his former aides as secretaries to write the tweets he's not allowed to send and whatever "work" he decides to not engage in as a disgraced former president, one to whom the law is probably about to catch up any day.

Let's check in with the former employees of the former occupant of the White House:

Hahahahahahahahaha, OK.

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Culture Wars

Seriously, Leave Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler Alone

What’s with you people?

Not even a pandemic can prevent Portland, Oregon, from remaining weird. Mayor Ted Wheeler pepper-sprayed a guy Sunday night who reportedly confronted him about not wearing a mask at a restaurant. Wheeler had dined at the McMenamins Hillsdale Brewery & Public House with former Mayor Sam Adams, who is under consideration for a role in Wheeler's administration. It is epically Portland that they'd meet up at McMenamins.

The men left the restaurant at around 8 p.m. because mayors know how to party. That's when the man they both described as a middle-aged white man with glasses (so like half the city) confronted them. He followed Wheeler to his car, recording the mayor on his cellphone. The man claimed he'd also photographed Wheeler as he ate inside a tented area of the restaurant. That's peculiar. Wheeler explained to the man that he'd adhered to current coronavirus regulations. The mayor also politely requested that he keep his distance.

From the Oregonian:

"He had no face mask on and got within a foot or two of my face while he was videoing me," Wheeler said, according to the [Portland Police Bureau] report. "I became imminently concerned for my personal safety."

The mayor continued: "I clearly informed him that he needed to back off. He did not do so. I informed him that I was carrying pepper spray and that I would use it if he did not back off. He remained at close distance, I pulled out my pepper spray and I sprayed him in the eyes."
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Hey, Buddy! Wanna Buy $2 Million In Pure Uncut Oklahoma Hydroxychloroquine?

Crush the pills and make another 10 Commandments monument.

The coronavirus pandemic is far from over, but the state of Oklahoma is looking to return some medical inventory it stocked up on but for some reason never actually used. That would be $2 million worth of hydroxychloroquine, the malaria drug that Donald Trump insisted was a miracle cure for COVID-19. That meant that rightwing media also insisted the drug was a miracle cure, because Trump saying it made it true, and at least 22 states, including Oklahoma, got out their wallets.

OK, sure, there were no actual controlled clinical trials showing hydroxychloroquine was any good against COVID-19, and the FDA dropped its emergency authorization for the drug's use in treating the disease. But that's only because doctors and the medical establishment were out to make Trump look bad.

Now, nonprofit Oklahoma news outlet The Frontier reports, the state is trying to negotiate the return of its hydroxy stockpile to the California pharma wholesaler whence it came, an outfit called FFF Enterprises, which coincidentally is the sound we made when we saw this story on Twitter.

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Sad CPAC Can't Sell Tickets To Loser Prom Without The King Of Sore Losers At The Top Of The Bill

Time to sue Politico! Obviously.

Sucks to be CPAC, the Conservative Political Action Conference! They put all their chips on a would-be tinpot dictator, and he can't even bothered to get off his ass and show up at their party. No, not even when the pandemic he invited in to ravage the country forces them to abandon DC for the hinterlands of Orlando, just down the road from his diaspora White House. And with the main attraction MIA, it's hard to get sponsors and A-listers (or what passes for such in the wingnutosphere) to show up.

But don't worry. American Conservative Union head Matt Schlapp, a consummate media professional, knows who is to blame. And it is ... Politico.

ACU chairman Matt Schlapp said he is convinced this year's conference will be no different from past years. "CPAC is going great," he told POLITICO on Tuesday, before then saying that his quote needed to be attributed without his name. Schlapp did not address questions about why some sponsors were not continuing their CPAC sponsorship. But after those questions were posed and additional questions were sent to CPAC sponsors — including whether the Jan. 6 Capitol riots impacted their thinking about sponsoring again this year — ACU General Counsel David Safavian accused POLITICO of "tortious interference with business relationships" and attempting "to 'cancel' both CPAC and the American Conservative Union itself." The group then tweeted a copy of a letter from Safavian that included a litigation threat.

"In pushing a misleading narrative to our supporters using corporate resources, Politico is attempting to chill sponsorship of CPAC and harm the American Conservative Union," ACU General Counsel David Safavian said in a letter he sent to Politico's CEO and editor in chief and then immediately tweeted. "This effort amounts to tortious interference with business relationships. And whether you realize it or not, you are demonstrating to our sponsors and supporters your political bias. Fortunately, most see this effort for what it is: 'fake news.'"

BIG TALK from a conservative gathering whose main attractions so far are Ric Grenell and Kristi Noem.

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