Trump Heads To Arizona To Scream ROUTER! And Destroy State's GOP

It's shaping up to be a Hot Router Summer in Wingnuttistan after King Wing learned a new word. Here he is trying it out 11 times in 36 seconds at a rally this weekend in Phoenix, Arizona.

The county has, for whatever reason, refused to produce the network ROUTERS. We want the ROUTERS, sonny. Wendy, we gotta get those ROUTERS, please. ROUTERS! Come on, Kelly, we can get those ROUTERS. Those ROUTERS, you know what? It was so beyond the ROUTERS, there's so many fraudulent votes without the ROUTERS. But if you got those ROUTERS, what that will show! And they don't want to give up the ROUTERS. They don't want to give 'em. They are fighting like hell. Why are these commissioners fighting not to give the ROUTERS? How simple could it be? That will tell the truth.

Let's go with ... both.

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JD Vance, Married A-Hole ... With Children

Ohio GOP Senate candidate JD Vance has not only embraced Donald Trump but he's apparently adopted Dear Leader's campaign style of suggesting things so patently absurd (e.g. the Muslim ban) that the media feels obligated to treat them seriously, rather than just pointing and laughing.

Friday, during a conference hosted by the Intercollegiate Studies Institute, Vance attacked Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and other members of the so-called “childless left," whom he blames for everyone's problems, perhaps including why he always looks constipated when he speaks.

"Why is this just a normal fact of … life, for the leaders of our country to be people who don't have a personal and direct stake in it via their own offspring?" Vance asked Friday at an Alexandria, Va. conference hosted by the Intercollegiate Studies Institute[.]

It's obviously tacky and gross to directly link a politician's ability to serve their constituents with their personal family planning. Of course, Republicans are the tacky and gross party. Vance is simply signaling for the MAGA crowd. We're not going to bother linking to data confirming that Democrats also have kids. Unlike the GOP's 2016 “Don't Vote For The Woman" platform, Vance's bigoted remarks aren't even based on a true premise. President Joe Biden, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer are all parents, and they have enough stories about their grandchildren to bore all of us in conversation.

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Will You MAGA Babies Get Vaccinated Already?

Florida is a hot mess of COVID-19. The state leads the nation in recorded cases, and hospitalizations are increasing at the fastest rate since the start of the pandemic. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), Florida accounts for one in five new infections in the United States, with 67,413 cases just in the past week. That's 314 cases per 100,000 residents. The weekly total has quadrupled since July 1.

Epidemiologists attribute this dumpster fire to various factors. The highly contagious Delta variant of the coronavirus is spreading, and Floridians, who are spending more time indoors as the temperature rises, have mostly abandoned mask-wearing and social distancing. Meanwhile, just 48 percent of the state is fully vaccinated.

"All of those things together are a recipe for the data that we're seeing," said Jason Salemi, an epidemiologist at the University of South Florida. "It's a cause for concern...the speed with which the indicators are going up."

Florida GOP Governor Ron DeSantis is obviously doing a heckuva job.

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Did This GOP Congressman's Psychic Wife Predict They'd Get COVID A Second Time?

Clay Higgins has COVID. Again.

The Louisiana GOP congressman first contracted the virus in January of 2020, and subsequently went on to become a fierce anti-masker, telling CNN in May of 2020 that masks couldn't stop COVID because you can still "smell" through them, and that they were "bacteria traps" that would make people more sick than not wearing them. Now he, and his entire family, have it again.

While Higgins has not said whether or not he was vaccinated, we're going to guess "no," both because he does not seem the type, and because if he had been vaccinated and managed to get COVID again, the Republican base would go wild with joy. Not because he was sick, but because they are quite desperate for anything that will let them think the vaccine is dangerous. There's no way he'd pass up an opportunity like that.

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Conspiracy theories

MyPillow Guy Reschedules President Joe Biden's Resignation For August 13

Mark your calendars.

We used to make fun of Mike Lindell, the El Chapo of the pillow cartel, for constantly rescheduling the time when the Supreme Court is going to see his packets and "take down" the 2020 election. (That's how he says it, he says "take down" the election, like it's curtains.) But to be fair to the guy, it seems like his non-functioning brain has developed an unhealthy fixation with the period between about August 10 and August 13, when he claims he will be holding a "symposium" that will be attended by LITERALLY EVERYONE OBVIOUSLY, where he will show his proof that dead Hugo Chavez's Italian space gremlins stole the election from Donald Trump, or whatever it is they believe.

We don't know how it's going to work. Maybe it'll be some sort of fair thing, and maybe the Supreme Court, which is not in session anywhere near this time, will don fanny packs and travel to the symposium and just TAKE IT DOWN right then and there, in between bites of funnel cake. Surely there will be funnel cakes.

Lindell explained to rotting hunk of gristle Steve Bannon recently that once his symposium has concluded, on about August 13, Joe Biden will be resigning. It's just gonna happen, OK? The MyPillow guy has seen the packets, and he knows what they mean. They mean his true lord and white savior Donald Trump is the real president, OK? And when Joe Biden sees the packets, oh boy, hoo boy, oh boy, hoo boy, you betcha, we're havin' hotdish for supper and Joe Biden is gonna resign in shame, oh boy:

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Answer 6 Random Questions That Won’t Result In Someone Stealing Your Identity. Tabs, Tues., July 27, 2021

Come and get your tabs!

The House select committee investigation into the Donald Trump-inspired MAGA insurrection begins today. Republican Liz Cheney will deliver opening remarks, presumably about how she’s opposed to attempts on her life by a violent mob. (Washington Post)

GOP Leader Kevin McCarthy hasn’t ruled out some weak sauce “punishment” for 1/6 committee members Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, who he calls “Pelosi Republicans.” Maybe that’s why he’s still attached to Trump. He needs someone to come up with better insulting nicknames. (Forbes)

Some patients who’ve had COVID-19 might develop symptoms that resemble early Alzheimer’s. We’ve reached the nadir of American society where I’m not sure the MAGA crowd would accept an Alzheimer’s cure. (NPR)

President Joe Biden announced Monday that “long COVID” will be treated as a disability under federal civil rights laws. That’s good news about a regrettable situation. (CSPAN)

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Supergenius Marjorie Taylor Greene Has Thoughts About Vaccines, Segregation, ‘Staff Infections’

It still amazes us that she's a member of Congress.

Last week, French President Emmanuel Macron declared that residents would have to show proof of vaccination against COVID-19 to enter restaurants, movie theaters, and most public venues. Vaccination rates in the country immediately surged after the announcement. Anti-vaxxers still protested but French officials ignored them much like US politicians ignore citizens who protest gun violence.

Republican governors desperate for approval from spoiled, vaccine-resistant babies have issued executive orders banning so-called “vaccine passports" or any sensible vaccine mandates that would let us get on with our lives. However, some local businesses in their states are defiantly stating that they don't want your business if you can't provide proof of vaccination. Call them crazy fascists but they don't want willfully ignorant people spreading COVID-19 to their employees and sensible customers.

Noted crackpot Marjorie Taylor Greene, an actual GOP member of Congress, freaked out when she saw an Instagram photo of the east Atlanta restaurant Argosy with a door sign stating "NO VAX NO SERVICE." Argosy, a private business, implemented this policy after some employees tested positive for COVID-19. This forced them to close and they can't afford to shut down again because the MAGA crowd won't get their “Fauci ouchie."

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