Trump Wraps Unprecedented Week With Warrant Showing Investigation For OH JUST ESPIONAGE

Poor Donald Trump! He's having the worst week ever thanks to the Radical Democrat Witch Hunt. It's no wonder the old guy is confused about WHAT IS LIBRARY?

President Barack Hussein Obama kept 33 million pages of documents, much of them classified. How many of them pertained to nuclear? Word is, lots!

Oh, but Your Wonkette is silly on Fridays! Because we come here not to praise Caesar, but to bury his sorry orange ass under a mountain of delicious schadenfreude. So, let's dig in!

Monday: RAID!

On Monday, a couple dozen plain clothes FBI agents showed up at Mar-a-Lago with a duly signed warrant and seized some number of boxes of classified items. "These are dark times for the Nation as my beautiful home is currently under siege, raided, and occupied by a large group of FBI agents," he screeched, alerting the world to the ongoing raid.

Republicans immediately shouted as one that "if they can do it to a former president, they can do it to you." So, let that be a lesson to you, kids, don't take home classified documents from work and stash them in a closet in the basement of your golf club.

Tuesday: Hand Over Those Tax Returns, Asshole!

On Tuesday the DC Court of Appeals ruled that the House Ways and Means Committee can get Trump's business and personal tax returns. A mere three years after Chair Richie Neal requested them from IRS Commissioner Charles Rettig, citing §6103 of the Internal Revenue Code, under which Richie was unambiguously entitled to get them, Trump's going to have to hand them over. Womp womp.

Wednesday: Taking the Fifth 'Like the Mob"

"You see the mob takes the Fifth. If you're innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?" Trump arglebargled on the campaign trail in 2016.

Oh, what a difference six years make! On Wednesday, Trump lost his longstanding bid to avoid testifying in the New York Attorney General's investigation of his hinky real estate valuations. He reportedly invoked his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination hundreds of times. But now that's not mob shit, it's GOOD, see?

I once asked, "If you’re innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?" Now I know the answer to that question. When your family, your company, and all the people in your orbit have become the targets of an unfounded, politically motivated Witch Hunt supported by lawyers, prosecutors, and the Fake News Media, you have no choice. If there was any question in my mind, the raid of my home, Mar-a-Lago, on Monday by the FBI, just two days prior to this deposition, wiped out any uncertainty. I have absolutely no choice because the current Administration and many prosecutors in this Country have lost all moral and ethical bounds of decency.


Thursday: The Plot SHE THICKENS! And NUKES!

Just when the Gippers were settling in to a storyline of the jackbooted FBI escalating to "raid" when they could just have asked for the stuff, or even asked for a subpoena, CNN broke the news that there had been a subpoena issued in May or even earlier for the documents, and that lawyers from the Justice Department had flown down to Mar-a-Lago and been shown classified documents retained by Trump. And instead of saying, "Yikes, please take this stuff, we must have kept it by accident," they said, "Nope, you can't have it." Slight paraphrase.

A mere three hours later, Attorney General Merrick Garland called Trump's bluff and asked the court to release the warrant and inventory of documents taken during the raid.

And then the Washington Post broke the news that there might have been classified documents pertaining to nuclear secrets in the documents Trump was storing in the basement and refusing to hand over.

Friday: Just Some Light ESPIONAGE!

The Wall Street Journal was first to get its hands on the warrant and the inventory and reported that FBI agents "removed 11 sets of classified documents, including some marked as top secret and meant to be only available in special government facilities." And, while Trump's apparatchiks admit this looks bad, they insist that the government is acting like the Gestapo because Trump was "negotiating the return" of the documents.

And now Breitbart's got the warrant and the charge is under Section 18 USC 793, AKA the Espionage Act, as predicted by independent journalist Marcy Wheeler earlier this week. Update: Here's the warrant!

Have the best weekend ever, Mister President. We know you will.

Number one, it was all declassified. Number two, they didn’t need to “seize” anything. They could have had it anytime they wanted without playing politics and breaking into Mar-a-Lago. It was in secured storage, with an additional lock put on as per their request. They could have had it anytime they wanted—and that includes LONG ago. ALL THEY HAD TO DO WAS ASK. The bigger problem is, what are they going to do with the 33 million pages of documents, many of which are classified, that President Obama took to Chicago?


A marvelous end of the week for the rest of us, we'll see you for cocktails soonest!

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After How Many Goddamn Years We Are Passing The Goddamn Climate Bill, Yippee Might Not All Gonna Die!

As I write this, I'm listening to the House debate on the Inflation Reduction Act, which will help boost the US transition to clean energy as well as making some much needed changes to Medicare prescription benefits and support for folks who get their insurance through Obamacare. Democrats are emphasizing the help it will bring to Americans, while Republicans are, as you'd expect, lying through their teeth about what the bill will do. The bill is pretty much a lock to pass today, so let's talk about what's in it (generally good stuff) what's not in it (no army of IRS tyrants who will come and shoot you if your taxes are wrong. More terrifyingly, it'll be IT and customer support people) and why it matters.

Here, have a livestream of the debate, and coming later today, the vote!

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MAGA Crowd Already Decrying Now-Dead FBI Attempted Shooter As False Flag Crisis Actor

“Well, I thought I had a way through bullet proof glass, and I didn’t. If you don’t hear from me, it is true I tried attacking the F.B.I., and it’ll mean either I was taken off the internet, the F.B.I. got me, or they sent the regular cops while" — yes, it ended there.

This was posted to a Truth Social account — yes, they are doing domestic terrorism threats on Donald Trump's social media platform — allegedly held by 42-year-old Ohio man Ricky Shiffer, who brought a nail gun to the FBI office in Cincinnati, Ohio, on Thursday.There are multiple claims and demonstrations online of nail guns penetrating bulletproof glass, though none of them actually show the nails going all the way through the glass.

He's dead now. He was killed in a shootout in which no one else was hurt or injured. He sacrificed his life for Donald Trump. He had hoped, we can assume, to murder some FBI agents in retaliation for the raid on Mar-a-Lago. After months of posting online on Truth Social about the need for another Civil War or another American Revolution like so many other Trump diehards, he finally decided to go through with it.

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Not To Jinx It Or Anything, But Joe Biden's Having A Pretty Good Week, Huh?

If the New York Times,Politico, Roll Call, and CNN all say Joe Biden has had a pretty darn good couple of weeks — almost all of it while isolating at the White House due to a COVID infection, which was then followed by a rebound infection — then we say it's damn well time for the POTUS to go out and catch the monkey pox.

Wait, no, we are not the New York Times Pitchbot; strike that last clause.

Still, it's been a pretty impressive run-up to Biden's summer vacation, which is due to start just as soon as the House passes the Inflation Reduction Act so he can sign it. Let's just review all the stuff that's come out of the Biden White House while Joe himself stayed prophylactically inside.

You just stop that snickering, you, it means preventively and you know it. We will have no more tittering from the back of the class.

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Merrick Garland Strangely Unmoved By Trump Request To Do Us A Favor Though And Call Off The FBI

And Trump's lawyers need to call their own lawyers ASAP.

We quit. Your Wonkette is turning in our satire papers and moving to Antarctica to hang with the penguins, because we will never write anything as funny as the latest scoop from Maggie Haberman and Glenn Thrush:

Shortly before Mr. Garland made the announcement, a person close to Mr. Trump reached out to a Justice Department official to pass along a message from the former president to the attorney general. Mr. Trump wanted Mr. Garland to know he had been checking in with people around the country and found them to be enraged by the search.

Oh, really? Trump reached out to the sitting Attorney General to say that everyone in US America is hoppin' mad about a duly executed search warrant seeking the return of US government property and classified documents? The guy who campaigned on a promise of jailing his opponent for the improper handling of classified documents said “I hope you can see your way clear to letting this go?" Sure, Trump blew off a subpoena for at least four months, but if AG Garland could just "do us a favor though," wouldn't that be better for everyone involved?

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The Top 5 Best Excuses For Why Trump Was Hiding Those Top Secret Documents!

These aren't very bright people, and things just got out of hand.

Hello, gentle drunk readers! Have you been struggling to keep track of all the excuses that former president Donald Trump and his harem of apple-polishers have been throwing out all week trying to explain why old Sweet Potato Suharto kept boxes and boxes of classified government documents stored in the basement we are now informed a "storage room in the hallway by the pool" of his dollar-store Xanadu in Florida? Us too!

So we have put together a probably-not-at-all-comprehensive guide to the main excuses Trump and his lickspittles have been expelling into the atmosphere at a volume exceeding the methane-laden cow farts from an industrial dairy farm. In doing so, we have tried to weed out actual excuses (Trump had unlimited declassification power) from whataboutism (whatabout Hillary/Obama/ Benghazi) from ridiculous and nonsensical counterattacks (the judge who signed the warrant is a Jew, if you can believe such a thing).

In cases where we couldn't determine exactly when an excuse was first introduced, we tried to pinpoint when it really got going in the zeitgeist.

We have also tried to gauge how long the bootlickers used those excuses before moving on to a new one. Unsurprisingly, in keeping with Trump's firehose of bullshit communication model, there was a lot of overlap.

Grab your Thermos full of benzoates or whatever you need to not turn into a frothing rage hamster while reliving this week, and let’s get started.

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Conspiracy theories

Is The IRS Coming To *Actually Kill You*, Check One Box

A helpful Wonkette factcheck, you're welcome!

I spent all day listening to the House debate on the Inflation Reduction (But Really Mostly Climate) Act before it passed (yay!), and among Republicans' favorite lies about the bill, there's one that they really, really love. As you've probably heard, the tax incentives and grants that will help the US seriously begin to transition to a clean energy economy will be paid for by a 15 percent minimum tax on corporate profits, as well as by ramping up the IRS's ability to go after tax cheats. To make catching tax cheats feasible, the bill provides $78 billion over 10 years to build the IRS workforce up to where it was a decade ago, and to help drag the IRS's antiquated technology and systems into the current century. Now you know just exactly what the facts is.

Out of that fairly unremarkable provision, Republicans and rightwing media have whipped up a panic with a couple of connected lies. The first is that the IRS is hiring an "army" of 87,000 new auditors that it plans to sic on YOU, the ordinary Fox-watching taxpayer.That is a lie.The second, and even more far-fetched lie,suggests that the "army" of auditors will include an actual army, or at least scary strike teams of heavily armed IRS agents that might burst into your home and shoot you if you had an error on your 1040. And for good measure, the lying liars round up the $78 billion to "$80 billion," and never once say that the new money and hiring will happen over 10 years, because "$7.8 billion a year" just doesn't sound nearly as scary.

Again, there's no truth to that shit sandwich of lies: The bill does direct the IRS to collect legally owed taxes from high income tax cheats, and to do so, the agency will indeed hire a lot of new employees. Some of them will probably even work on audits. But mostly, the new funding is there to restore the staffing levels that have been gutted by budget cuts, and to modernize the IRS's information tech, so that the agency can do its job — including answering taxpayer phone calls! — after many years of running on a shoestring.

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