Tucker Carlson Thwarted Once Again By Google Machine, Dictionaries

Back in February, Tucker Carlson concluded that "QAnon" did not exist and was purely an invention of the liberal media, because he and his crack staff were unable to find "the QAnon website." Now they've hit another roadblock — because Joe Biden keeps talking about something called "equity" and Tucker is pretty sure that's not actually a thing. And if it is a thing, it is the real racism.

On his show Wednesday night, Carlson laid into Joe Biden for inventing this strange word out of thin air and then expecting everyone to just know what it means, as if it's just been around since the 14th century or something. The target of his criticism in the segment below was the fact that, back in February, the Justice Department decided to no longer pursue a lawsuit against Yale University for supposedly discriminating against white and Asian students in favor of Black students. How? Because the university has a policy of not admitting more than a percentage point less than the percentage of Black students in the previous year's class.

Right now, 7.7 percent of students at Yale are Black, 13 percent are Latinx, 19 percent are Asian, and 52 percent are white.

11 percent are legacies.

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Matt Gaetz And Dr. Handjob Went To The Bahamas For WHAT? Allegedly?

Close your eyes and count to "balls," it's time for the Matt Gaetz peenerweener update!

The word of the day is "Bahamas." Investigators are reportedly looking into whether Gaetz might have transported someone/s across international lines to BAMAHAS for sex, while on a trip with HAND SURGEON and MARIJUANA ENTREPRENEUR. (Same guy, who is both surgeon of hands and entrepreneur of marijuanas.)

Dr. Handjob McWeedPot, that is what we'll call him — helllooooo, if you are a hand surgeon you by definition perform hand jobs — is actually named Jason Pirozzolo, and according to CBS News, he "allegedly paid for the travel expenses, accommodations, and female escorts" for the trip with Gaetz, which allegedly happened in "late 2018 or early 2019." Were escorts taken to the Bahamas specifically for purposes related to Matt Gaetz's unseemly dong? That is what CBS says investigators want to know.

"Traveling across state lines is what creates a federal hook for a prosecution," Arlo Devlin-Brown, a former prosecutor and partner at Covington & Burling, said in a report that aired on the "CBS Evening News with Norah O'Donnell." "It doesn't matter that [Gaetz] personally paid them as long as he knows someone is doing that."

So it doesn't matter if Matt Gaetz personally CashApped everything. If he knew Dr. Handjob was footing the bill, if he was aware of that, and if escorts were literally being transported to conduct intercourse with the congressman, that is the issue. DID DR. HANDJOB BUY THE SEXCORTS FOR MATT GAETZ?

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GRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFT!

This weekend news broke that the Trump campaign, in the waning days of its losing 2020 campaign, found the snazziest, most creative way to separate Donald Trump's idiot fans — many of them old people on fixed incomes and the like — from their money. In the simplest terms possible, it was a scheme whereby the campaign, on donation pages powered by for-profit company WinRed (it's like ActBlue, if you couldn't trust ActBlue not to drain your checking account), would pre-check boxes that said "make this a recurring donation," and if you didn't see the pre-checked boxes, then surprise! Your money would come out today, and also next week, and the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that, and sometimes there'd even be a special pre-checked box for you to make a SPECIAL donation!

Rinse, repeat, until you ain't got no dollars in your checking account!

Make sense?

Here, have a visual aid, provided by the New York Times:

See all that word salad arglebargle bullshit before the teeny tiny print at the bottom, where it's like "LOL we are stealing all your money if you don't uncheck this box" or whatever it says? (We are not sure, they make the print so very small to read for elderly eyes!)

In just the last two and a half months of 2020, "the Trump campaign, the Republican National Committee and their shared accounts issued more than 530,000 refunds worth $64.3 million to online donors," per the New York Times. Overall they had to return $122 million.

Point is, this is not a great week for us to all see a fundraising pitch from the National Republican Congressional Committee (NRCC) that looks like this, pre-checked box and all:

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Joe Biden Gonna Job The Sh*t Out Of You!

President Joe Biden spoke at length Wednesday about his big, fancy American Jobs Plan, which he described as a "once in a generation investment in America."

BIDEN: It's the single largest investment in American jobs since World War II. And it's a plan that puts millions of Americans in the work to fix what's broken in our country, tens of thousands of miles of roads and highways, thousands of bridges in desperate need of repair. But it also is a blueprint for infrastructure needed for tomorrow, not just yesterday, tomorrow. For American jobs, for American competitiveness.

Republicans uniformly oppose Biden's infrastructure plan, because they all suck. They don't want to pay for it and they're not even sure it's infrastructure. Conservatives have a very narrow definition of "infrastructure." They seem to think it's just roads and bridges, but if that were true, you might as well just say "roads and bridges." Why even bother with a separate word for infrastructure. You're not saving that much time.

Biden pushed back against this strict constructionist (i.e. “bullshit") view of infrastructure.

BIDEN: They say, why not focus on traditional infrastructure. Fix what we've already got, the road and the highways that exists, and the bridges. I'm happy to have that debate but let me tell you my view. We are America. We don't just fix for today, we build for tomorrow. 200 years ago, trains weren't traditional infrastructure either until America made a choice to lay down tracks across the country. Highways weren't traditional infrastructure until we allowed ourselves to imagine that roads could connect our nation across state lines. The idea of infrastructure has always evolved to meet the aspirations of American people and their needs, and it's evolving again today.

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History Facts

Oh No, Nancy Reagan Will Absolutely Not Be Getting An 'AIDS Activist' Edit

'CBS Sunday Morning' cannot be serious with this.

"CBS Sunday Morning" is fluff. It's meant to be fluff. You're supposed to half watch it while half asleep and getting coffee on a Sunday and without ending up in any kind of serious discussion with whoever else happens to be in the kitchen. This is understood. It's not a serious, hard-hitting news show, and it's not meant to be. That's fine.

It would even be fine that they did a segment today on "The Devotion of Nancy Reagan," no matter how pukey that sounds, if it were not made entirely of lies, if it focused on things that were true about Nancy Reagan and didn't paint her as a hero to those with HIV and AIDS.

In an interview with Lesley Stahl (who should know better than this), Washington Post columnist Karen Tumulty, who recently published a book titled The Triumph of Nancy Reagan, painted a picture of the former First Lady as a secret behind-the-scenes force for goodness in her husband's administration — most notably concerning the AIDS epidemic.

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Cops

Virginia Cops Not Even Sure Black Army Lives Matter

There’s no reforming this.

Caron Nazario was driving home last December when two Windsor, Virginia police officers pulled him over because he reportedly had no rear license plate. Nazario, in fact, had a temporary license plate taped to the inside of his rear window, which were clearly visible once the officers approached his car. He'd just acquired the vehicle and didn't have permanent plates yet. This is a common occurrence, and how the officers treated Nazario, who's Black and Latino, is even more common.

The cops claimed Nazario was “eluding" them, but he explained that he was looking for a well-lit place to stop, which is why he'd pulled his SUV into a gas station. This was like trying to reason with a grizzly bear. You just confuse and annoy the bear and you still get maimed.

Officers Daniel Crocker and Joe Gutierrez immediately drew their guns on Nazario. They barked conflicting orders at him: “Keep your hands outside the window!" and "Get out of the car now." This is a standard cop technique that makes it easier to claim later that someone refused to comply.

When Nazario admitted he was afraid to get out of the car, one of the cops responded, "Yeah, you should be." That's some quality deescalation from the scary man with a gun. Jules Winnfield did a better job at the end of Pulp Fiction. But violent people don't enter law enforcement to protect and serve. They enter law enforcement so they can rain hell on people who are powerless to fight back. These are bullies with a union.

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Religion

Arkansas House Passes Bills To Let Teachers Teach Creationism, Bully Trans Students

They seem very determined to make their schools terrible.

This week, the Arkansas House passed two bills seemingly designed to make it incredibly unpleasant for kids who are not Bible-banging bigots to attend school. Why? Well, because they're assholes. There's not really a better or deeper answer than that.

On Wednesday, the House passed a bill allowing teachers to teach creationism. Yes, we're actually doing this again. Apparently now that Trump is gone, conservatives feel much more free to go back to their more theocratic tendencies. Despite the claims of many "prophets" that Trump was practically the Second Coming, the actual practice of supporting a crass, twice-divorced casino owner who was obviously only feigning to be super into Jesus seemed to make many Christians chill on the whole "the earth is 6,000 years old!" thing. Quite frankly, I think they didn't want to run the risk of anyone actually asking him about it.

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