Tyrant Joe Biden Never Lets America Go ANYWHERE

Well, it's official, Joe Biden is a TYRANT who NEVER lets us GO ANYWHERE in the WHOLE WORLD.

OK, we are kidding about a serious subject, like we traditionally do at Wonkette. Joe Biden is not in fact a tyrant. He just really doesn't want people to die of coronavirus, and though things are getting better in some ways in America, at least when it comes to the number of us vaccinated, we have to start considering that this damn pandemic won't be over until the whole world has gotten jabbed.

And that's why Biden's State Department just announced that it would be adding around 130 countries to its "do not travel" list, which will bring it to about 80 percent of the world. Yes, you read that right, Tyrant Joe Biden is banning you from going to WORLD. Or rather not "banning" you, but just strongly recommending that you stay away from WORLD right now.

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Gather Round For Eric Cantor’s Fractured Fairy Tales About The Obama Era

Former House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was caught up in the Tea Party zealotry that former House Speaker John Boehner condemns in his memoir, On The House (yes, that's the title). Cantor lost his primary race in 2014 to Dave Brat, whom Cantor tried to smear as a “liberal professor" with ties to Democratic Senator Tim Kaine. Despite an internal poll showing Cantor up 34 points, external voters ultimately backed Brat by 11 points. He was the first House majority leader to lose a primary in more than 100 years. It was all very hilarious. Now, Cantor is back and ready to reveal the true source of the GOP's many ills.

It's Barack Obama. He's going to blame Barack Obama. There's no real suspense here.

Here's what Cantor told CNN's Brianna Keilar:

I don't doubt for a second that the level of craziness has increased in Washington over the last few years in both parties. But certainly, back when we were serving during the Obama administration, there was plenty of indicators that we had an extreme element on both sides of the aisle.
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One America 'News' Network Fires Guy For Telling New York Times Some Actual News

WOMP WOMP.

Here's a sad postscript to a story Wonkette told you yesterday, of the employees at the One America News Network whispering to the New York Times behind the owner's back that PSSSST none of them actually believe the shit the network spews on air day after day. Specifically, none of them buy the snake oil about Donald Trump winning an election he lost in a rout, AKA Trump's fascist Big Lie he tried to use to steal American democracy.

One of those was a producer named Marty Olingan, who told the Times things like this:

During the Trump presidency, it moved right, Mr. Golingan said. And when he was watching coverage of the pro-Trump mob breaking into the Capitol, he said, he worried that his work might have helped inspire the attack.

He added that he and others at OAN disagreed with much of the channel's coverage. "The majority of people did not believe the voter fraud claims being run on the air," Mr. Golingan said in an interview, referring to his colleagues.

He recalled seeing a photo of someone in the Capitol mob holding a flag emblazoned with the OAN logo. "I was like, OK, that's not good," Mr. Golingan said. "That's what happens when people listen to us."

That's what happens.

Know what else happens? That guy got shitcanned yesterday. That's what happens.

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Crime

The Chauvin Jury Is Back. Here We Go, America.

Deep breaths.

The verdict in the killing of George Floyd by Derek Chauvin will be announced at 3:30 p.m. Central time, where Minneapolis is located. The jury was only gone a total of fewer than 12 hours, which conventional wisdom (and "Law & Order") says usually means a guilty verdict is coming, but America has disappointed us before.

If it's guilty, then the question is on which charge or charges: second-degree unintentional murder AKA felony murder vs. third-degree murder vs. second-degree manslaughter. (There's a good explanation of the difference between the charges, and what they might mean for sentencing, right here, if you need a refresher.)

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Politics

Matt Gaetz Tried To Get Daddy Trump To Lean On DOJ To Push Big Lie All The Way Back In *June*

Filthy sumbitches.

Let's take a break from talking about Rep. Matt Gaetz's errant wiener and talk about what a raging dick that guy is, shall we? Because Politico just dropped a hair-raising piece about the Florida congressman's efforts to get the Justice Department to ratfuck the 2020 election, which is hilarious, and also HOLY SHIT, THINK ABOUT HOW CLOSE WE CAME!

Our story starts in August of 2018 when President Trump nominated Matt Gaetz's former law partner Larry Keefe to be US Attorney for the Northern District of Florida. How much harm could one US Attorney from Florida do, you are wondering? Dunno, ask Jeffrey Epstein's victims.

Flash forward to summer of 2020, when Republicans were already cooking up plans to cry "electoral fraud" in an effort to sell their Big Lie that the election was somehow stolen from Donald Trump. Keefe, as a consummate, non-partisan professional (haha, fear makes us silly), was hot to launch an investigation of supposed fraud in Florida. But not, of course, in his own, white backyard.

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Guns

Mass Shootings Determined To Strike Inside US

God wants you to have a gun for protection. But don't wear a mask, because God wants you to follow his plan of 'death cult.'

On March 16, a loser with a gun killed eight people at Atlanta-area spas. Since then, CNN reports that the US has had at least 45 mass shootings. It's April 20. That's an average of more than one mass shooting a day. We've also racked up at least 147 mass shootings so far in 2021. Something is sick and wrong in this country, and it's not trans kids playing sports or people not selling racist Dr. Seuss books.

BTW: CNN defines a mass shooting as four or more people shot, wounded, or killed, excluding the gunman. Three or fewer is still unacceptable. God knows how many of those have occurred in the past few months.

Last week was especially bloody: Eight people were gunned down at a FedEx facility in Indianapolis. Five people were shot at an apartment complex in Pensacola, Florida. Four people, including a teenage girl, were shot in Washington DC. There were also shootings in Austin, Baltimore and Chicago. These are real people, not statistics. Oh, our bad, Austin doesn't count, leaving only three people dead.

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