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Forbes Dick Talks Shit About Libraries, Is MURRRRDERED By Vicious Readers Of Books

There's no 'librarian in 'libertarian'

Everyone makes mistakes. But to truly screw things up, you need to be a free-market economist with a libertarian bent, as this weekend's best online kerfuffle demonstrated. On Saturday morning, Long Island University professor and Forbes columnist Panos Mourdoukoutas took to the Twitter Machine to plug his latest piece at Forbes, with the provocative title, "Amazon Should Replace Local Libraries to Save Taxpayers Money." Not surprisingly, the internet was not pleased.

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Maybelle Can't Wait To Go To Heaven, Where All The Appliances Are Viking And Nobody Is Mexican

HOLY FUCKING CLETUS JESUS SAFARI, WASHINGTON POST!

Because it had been literal days since a journalist published an article about venturing into the hinterlands to meet the rubes and find out why they still love Donald Trump, the Washington Post served us up something special on Sunday! WaPo's Stephanie McCrummen went to Luverne, Alabama (population 2,700) -- more specifically to the First Baptist Church in Luverne, Alabama -- to find out how God's country faithful who hate the sin and love the sinner (Donald Trump) are holding up. Here is what she learned as she traveled through the pews of First Baptist and shook hands.

(Wonkette has changed all the names to protect the ignorant, even though WaPo used their real names LOLOL, WaPo is a dick.)

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Michael Cohen Secretly Taped His Trump Chats About Playboy Playmate Peener Pay-Offs, So That's Fun!

UH OH, looks like Michael Cohen's definitely not willing to take a bullet for Donald Trump in the middle of 5th Avenue any time soon! And it sounds like even before the election he was hedging his bets, because Cohen, who was well-known for taping conversations with Trump's enemies, also apparently liked to tape his conversations with Trump! And the FBI has at least one of them!

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Dan Coats Probably Gonna Get Fired Now, For Being Smarter Than President Dipshit

Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats just keeps making news! He's been making statements about how the lights are "blinking red" on Russian interference in the upcoming midterm elections, and when Donald Trump very publicly made out with Vladimir Putin in Helsinki on Monday, Coats casually released another statement clarifying that "blinking red" means DAMMIT, TRUMP, stop rolling over for Putin and begging for belly scratches! It's clear Coats is in a very "WTF" headspace right now.

Coats showed up Thursday at the Aspen Security Forum for an interview with Andrea Mitchell, only to be greeted onstage with the breaking news that Trump has decided to double down on being a Russian intelligence asset, by inviting Putin over for pizza and gossip sometime later this fall. Just in time for the midterms! This is what it looks like when a member of the Trump administration who is apparently sane hears breaking news about a sudden, irrational decision by President Dipshit McBonkersDick:

Good morning, Dan! You are still in hell!

In fact, Coats addressed how he lives in hell that during the interview:

Sounds like every morning in the Wonkette chatcave.

It was a truly remarkable interview, and Coats gave a solid defense for how he does his job and why he stays, even in the face of a president who undermines the intelligence community at every turn. Coats takes Russian election interference seriously, and he's not scared to call Russian attacks on our democracy by their name, unlike his shithole boss. And he had many other thoughts on many other things!

On Trump's un-chaperoned meeting with Putin:

If he had asked me how that ought to have been conducted, I would have suggested a different way. But that's not my role. That's not my job. So it is what it is.

That's right, he wouldn't have done Helsinki, but well fuck it, the Trump administration didn't ask the DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE.

On how Russia probably put one million "wire tapps" in the room in order to compromise the American president even more than he already is:

That risk is always there.

Did Russia put a "wire tapp" in the soccer ball Putin gave Trump?

LOLOLOLOLOL.

Really, he laughed, then said he assumes they checked the soccer ball for "wire tapps."

And does he even have a clue what happened in that room? Nah. And we don't either! All we know is there were "deals." Like maybe Trump and Putin made a deal for Russia to hack the midterms and then they made a deal to send Michael McFaul to Putin for being a very bad boy and oh who the fuck knows what else.

Here's the full interview, for when you have time, which is right now:

Because this interview was so good and honest, and because Dan Coats is apparently sane and smart, Donald Trump is SOOOOO MAD about it, according to the Washington Post:

Inside the White House, Trump's advisers were in an uproar over Coats's interview in Aspen, Colo. They said the optics were especially damaging, noting that at moments Coats appeared to be laughing at the president, playing to his audience of the intellectual elite in a manner that was sure to infuriate Trump.

"Coats has gone rogue," said one senior White House official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to provide a candid assessment.

Goddamn him for being a smart guy with a sense of humor who can handle himself in a room full of intellectuals! Does he not know how embarrassing this is for President StupidBrain McWordsBad?

Hey remember that time Rex Tillerson said Trump is a fucking moron and now he's gone?

Hey remember that time H.R. McMaster said Trump is fucking moron and now he's gone?

Anyway, according to Axios, people in the White House are now speculating on when Coats will be fired, for being good at his job, which means the only competent people left in the entire Trump administration will be Chris Wray and Rod Rosenstein.

So, if Dan Coats gets fired for being competent and smart and too honest for Donald Trump, who will replace him? Well, we are not saying this is an exclusive scoop or anything, we are just saying we saw it on the internet and CONNECT THE DOTS, MORONS:

Just kidding, Kimberly Guilfoyle is going to some Trump-sucking moron PAC, which means the new DNI is obviously going to be Judge Jeanine Pirro.

We are well and truly fucked.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Help Wonkette LIVE FOREVER! Seriously, if you can, please help, by making a donation of MONEY.

[Washington Post]

Rampaging Potheads Carve Backwards 'P' On Oklahoma Official's Forehead

Voters in Oklahoma approved a June ballot initiative making medical marijuana legal, and in response, the state's Republican establishment has gone into full Reefer Madness Freakout Mode, certain that if anyone gets a prescription for wacky tobacky, folks will be smoking marijuana in Muskogee, and wearing roman sandals instead of leather boots. Among those getting in on the fun of a full-on political panic was Julie Ezell, the general counsel for the State Department of Health, who resigned last week after it was revealed she'd written threatening emails to herself and claimed they'd been sent by dangerous weed advocates. Ezell was charged Tuesday with making a false police report and generally being a narc in the incident. Authorities are said to be weighing an uptight buzzkill enhancement.

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Russia

Sunday Rundown: Jake Tapper Literally Decapitates Carter Page

Plus poor Alan Dershowitz stomped by Michael Avenatti, sad!

We begin our Sunday Rundown with former Trump foreign policy adviser and creepy inappropriate smiler Carter Page on CNN's "State of the Union" with Jake Tapper:

Honestly, Carter, stop smiling. It's seriously is not helping....

After the release of those 400+ pages of FISA application for the surveillance of Carter Page, Page did the idiotic thing -- as he has done before -- and went on TV again to attempt to put out a fire with a can of gasoline. Jake Tapper immediately got to the heart of the matter.

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Russia

FBI Takes 412 Pages To Say Look At Carter Page, Dumb Fucking Idiot Spy LOL

BREAKING: More stuff for Devin Nunes and Donald Trump to lie about!

Good Monday morning! Late Saturday afternoon, the FBI released the heavily redacted warrants for FISA surveillance of Carter Page, the Trump campaign foreign policy adviser who is also literally the world's stupidest Russian intelligence asset. The release comes after Devin Nunes and his minions in Congress spent months libeling the intelligence community and creating conspiracy theories about how the FBI only started spying on Page because of a DODGY DOSSIER that was WRITTEN BY HILLARY. This is, of course, bullshit. Even according to the much hyped memo released by Devin Nunes, but not read by Devin Nunes, this was bullshit. The original FISA application and its subsequent renewals were released in response to Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) requests.

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Everywhere Else News

Hillary Clinton Trying To Start War With Iran, Wait Our Bad We Meant Donald Trump

Declaration Of War: The Really Short Form

Donald Trump, apparently catching up on Fox News after returning from another important golf trip to his Bedminster club in New Jersey, had himself a fine meltdown late last night, threatening Iran with all-caps "CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED," as a perfectly stable genius with the launch codes does. This could mean John Bolton will finally get that war with Iran he's always dreamed of, or maybe that in six months Trump will hold a summit with Iranian leaders that accomplishes nothing but lets Trump paint himself as a peacemaker.

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Russia

James Comey Sleeping On The Democrats' Couch, Has Thoughts On Color Of Guest Room

Lordy! Won't this guy just go away?

Last Tuesday, Comey tweeted to his 1 million followers, who do not and will never include me, that they should all go out this fall and vote for Democrats because -- you know, totally breaking news -- Republicans were awful.

"This Republican Congress has proven incapable of fulfilling the Founders' design that 'Ambition must ... counteract ambition.' All who believe in this country's values must vote for Democrats this fall. Policy differences don't matter right now. History has its eyes on us," he wrote.

Check out the big brain on Comey! Trying to impress folks with his reference to James Madison and the Federalist Papers. It's a pompous empty gesture, of course, because he's just preaching to the choir now. His former Republicans have long ago abandoned him. Sure, the GOP loved cool James when he put a wrecking ball through Hillary Clinton's campaign, but they were all "What have you done for me lately?" when Donald Trump fired him after a couple awkward dates.

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Russia

LOL This Fucking Guy. Wonkagenda For Mon., July 23, 2018

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

Tammy Baldwin's Running Against A Couple Of Jerk Republicans

Dems hope to avoid a replay of the Feingold/Johnson 2016 clustermess

Here's the kind of weird election year 2018 is: Democrat Tammy Baldwin, among the most progressive of the ten Democratic US senators from states won by Donald Trump, introduced a "Made in America Act" bill earlier this month. It would require federal infrastructure projects to use US-made steel, iron and other products, and Donald Trump is an enthusiastic supporter. Even says he'll sign it. But both of the Republican Senate candidates from Wisconsin -- who otherwise insist they love, love, love Trump the most -- have staked out positions against the bill, because, um, well, a Democrat introduced it, so populist made-in-America legislation is probably secret socialism. America Not First if it's a demmycrat idea!

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popular

Hero Server Bodyslams Ass-Grabbing Customer

Your OPEN THREAD!

You know what? It has been a LONG week, and I think we all need and deserve something cheerful for our Saturday open thread! Right? Right.

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popular

The Week In Garbage Men: Disney Gets Trolled By Pizzagate Idiots, Fires James Gunn

Rape advocate Mike Cernovich is OUTRAGED!

If you were to go by a chunk of chatter on Twitter regarding Disney's firing of director James Gunn from the Guardians of The Galaxy franchise over some bad tweets from 10 years ago, you might be inclined to believe that this was the result of the legendary "outrage machine" -- operated by "SJWs" in the name of "PC Culture."

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Post-Racial America

Crying Nazi Pleads Guilty, Still Blames The JEEWWWZ

Is wittle baby gonna cry?

Chris Cantwell, the Crying Nazi, has been banned from Virginia for five years after pleading guilty to two counts of assault and battery. Poor baby.

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Science

Anti-Choice Group Publicizes Addresses Of Abortion Doctors. What Could Go Wrong?

Oh, I don't know -- murder?

An anti-choice group calling themselves "Operation Save America" decided it was a real great idea this week to flood two Indianapolis neighborhoods with flyers that included the names and addresses of two abortion providers in the area, both of whom work at Planned Parenthood.

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popular

Your Weekly Top Ten Sure Did Enjoy Trump Treason Week!

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

THAT HEADLINE IS A LIE.

Anyway, it is time to count down your top ten stories. You will notice that in this post there is a video of Wonkette Toddler at the lake doing lake things, and also a picture of Rebecca's Very Good Dogs watching their favorite movie, which is Wonkette Toddler eating a sandwich (above). Please enjoy these things.

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popular

It's The Watergate Break-In Except It's The Reporter Breaking In And Also It's Lies!

If Corey Stewart's story isn't true, may his Confederate ancestors strike him down.

Corey Stewart, the Minnesota transplant to Virginia who's made protecting "Confederate Heritage" a top issue in his campaign for the US Senate, accused a nosy New York Times reporter of breaking into the apartment of one of his aides. It's a terrific accusation, because while there's no evidence at all and the story makes no damn sense, that doesn't matter at all to people who'd vote for Corey Stewart. They already hate the evil media and know those nasty reporters are capable of all the depravity in the world.

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Russia

Dana Rohrabacher Smells Like Borscht


Привет, конгрессмен!

Hey, remember that hilarious time when Paul Ryan and Kevin McCarthy got caught on tape joking that LOL, Donald Trump and Congressman Dana Rohrabacher were totally on Putin's payroll? WaPo got the goods:

"There's two people I think Putin pays: Rohrabacher and Trump," McCarthy (R-Calif.) said, according to a recording of the June 15, 2016 exchange, which was listened to and verified by The Washington Post.

Rep. Dana Rohrabacher is a Californian Republican known in Congress as a fervent defender of Putin and Russia.House Speaker Paul D. Ryan (R-Wis.) immediately interjected, stopping the conversation from further exploring McCarthy's assertion, and swore the Republicans present to secrecy.

It's funny 'cause it's true! ALLEGEDLY. Earlier this month, Congressman Lubyanka Rohrabacher told Fox reporter Elex Michaelson that DNC hack was obviously an inside job.

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Science

OW! Endangered Species, You're Hurting Big Oil's Fists With Your Faces!

OW!

In yet another big wet kiss on the lips for land developers, oil and gas interests, ranchers, and anybody who just loves blowing diesel exhaust in the face of bicyclists and Prius drivers, the Trump administration has released an exciting new plan to gut the Endangered Species Act, fulfilling the dreams of Republicans who've been trying to stomp on little woodland creatures ever since it was passed in 1973. Get ready for a huge boom in jobs for the oppressed American worker, corporate profits, and extinctions! Or at least the latter two.

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Russia

OH NO HAXXORS

Republicans could have stopped the cyber war before things got worse, but thank you they'd rather not.

On Thursday, Democratic Rep. Mike Quigley took to the House floor to propose an appropriations amendment that would allot $380 million for election security improvements. Quigley then passed the mic to Democratic whip Steny Hoyer so that he could give a rousing speech encouraging members to take a stand against Russian cyber fuckery. It was so good that it caused people to jump to their feet and start fist pumping to chants of "USA" like drunk dude-bros at a lacrosse game.

USA! USA! USAwww, damn it! The Republicans voted it down because why bother to give the states money when 35 of those states don't fucking care about cyber security? Never mind.

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Post-Racial America

Paul Ryan Wishes Republicans Would Stop Being Nazis. Or Other Way Around.

It's weird because he's kinda racist

Paul Ryan has made a stunning discovery about the Alt-Right that all black people and most not black Americans knew the instant those skinheads from the '90s traded in their steel-toed boots and jagged jean shorts for khakis and tiki torches. Ryan, the hear-no-evil Speaker-no-evil of the House of Representatives, has learned that the alt-right IS RACIST!

Amazingly enough, it wasn't the Tiki Torch Parade of Antisemitism and Jim Crow throwbacks that helped Ryan understand Nazis. Oh no, Paul Ryan came up with this on his own because he noticed that actual Nazis keep running for office as Republicans, which makes Republicans look super racist, and that is just not fair.

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