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CNN: Give Jim Acosta Back His Press Pass Or HE WILL KILL AGAIN

OK maybe they're just suing the Trump administration over how it's being all fascist and shit.

CNN is suing Donald Trump, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and others in an attempt to get Jim Acosta's press credentials restored. CNN attorneys argue that whatever lame excuse the White House fabricated about his beating an intern to death with a microphone, the real reason Trump suspended his White House pass was plain old not liking CNN's coverage, and that there is an unconstitutional violation of the First Amendment.

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WTF Is Happening In Georgia? A Lawsplainer Of All The Courts Kicking Brian Kemp In The Jimmies Right Now

The problem is all these people wanting to vote!

LOVE AND MAWWIAGE! That is what brings us here today. More or less.

In fact, what brings us here today is Georgia Secretary of State Brian Kemp's herculean efforts to drag his ratfucking carcass across the gubernatorial finish line after disenfranchising a million of his constituents who wanted to elect Stacey Abrams. Like Prince Humperdinck shouting, "Man and Wife! Say Man and Wife!" Kemp insists that the vote tally MUST be certified tomorrow, whether the counting is finished or not. And if not, well, so much the better.

The part of Westley will be played today by Common Cause Georgia -- which makes perfect sense if you are a Millennial or Gen X-er. (And if not, apologies!) On November 5, Common Cause made a novel claim against the state of Georgia. They weren't saying that Kemp was deliberately ratfucking the voter data base himself. But they did argue that the insecurity of voter information guarded by the secretary of state violated voters' due process rights because anyone could break in and change the data.

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President #NeverMoist Got His Ass Chapped About SOMETHIN' Today. Wonder What!

Yesterday was a national holiday, which means President Lazy Ass spent the whole entire morning in his boudoir, grunting around under the covers with his phone and refusing to answer the door when mean John Kelly tried to knock and make him GO TO WORK, DAMMIT. On top of his normal morning stuff -- cacophonous waterbed farts, "Fox & Friends" and narcissism -- he decided it was time to desperately try to rewrite the narrative, already set in stone, that he is a piece of shit who embarrassed America on his trip to Paris; who cried like a baby because none of the parades in France were personally for him; who made up lies about how he couldn't go visit the graves of 50,000 Americans who died in war because of how his helicopter couldn't possibly fly in France's "partly cloudy with a chance of moist" conditions LAND HURRICANES; and who, upon arrival back in the United States, couldn't be bothered to travel two miles to lay a wreath at Arlington National Cemetery on VETERANS DAY, because, again, he couldn't deal with getting his hair wet in the it wasn't actually raining LAND HURRICANES, which apparently followed him back from France.

Maybe he has rabies and can't even risk touching water, we don't know.

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Lindsey Graham Knows What White Ladies Want

Senator Lindsey Graham has lamented that his party performed "fairly poorly with suburban women in some of these House districts." This is the canny political observation of a seasoned operator who watched dozens of Republican seats in the suburbs fall to Democrats. The running GOP theory leading up to the midterms was that the districts that voted for Mitt Romney in 2012 but switched to Hillary Clinton in 2016 did so only because of an aversion to Donald Trump. Without Trump himself on the ballot in 2018, these areas would remain loyal to Republican candidates. This did not happen.

We all recognize that "suburban women" is code for white women, specifically well-off, well-educated white women who are probably watching "This Is Us" right now. So, when the election returns came in from suburban districts on election night, it was clear that this prized demographic had fled Trump's party.

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The Top 6 Signs Robert Mueller Is About To Indict The Sh*tfire Outta Some Folks, According To #Science

It's a cloudy day in Washington DC. It's also a federal holiday, Veterans Day, but Donald Trump can't do normal presidential Veterans Day stuff like lay a wreath at Arlington National Cemetery because he saw a cloud and you know what clouds do, they spit water at your face, and Donald Trump can't get wet because he probably has rabies, allegedly.

DC is quiet, is our point.

But there are indicators that somebody is at work, and that somebody is Robert Mueller. We could be wrong, but we have a sneaking suspicion that tomorrow, or Wednesday, or at the very latest Friday, we are going to get Indictment O'Clock for an early Christmas present. Here is why:

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News

Wingnuts Can't Stop Making Up Weird Conspiracy Theories About Why Nobody Likes Them

Obviously, this is all George Soros's fault.

It started, I think, with the "paid protesters." an idea that was once the exclusive purview of conspiracy nuts like Alex Jones, but which swiftly became a "truth" widely accepted on the right, pushed by Fox News pundits and Donald Trump alike. At first, the primary targets of this theory were Black Lives Matter protesters -- the notion that black people didn't actually think cops were racist or that police brutality was a problem, that they didn't actually think racist white people were racist, but that they were being paid to say so by George Soros, a random Jewish man who wanted to ruin the days of good, God-fearing Republicans for no good reason whatsoever. (George Soros, for the record, is a goddamned HERO.)

Soon after, it was that people out there protesting Donald Trump were not doing so because they actually disliked him or thought he would not be a good president, but, again, because they were being paid by George Soros. It was a conspiracy practically built for the kind of man who would go around lying about the size of his crowds and how sexually attractive women find him. Shudder.

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Post-Racial America

Stacey Abrams Will Make Georgia Count The Damn Votes If It Is The Last Thing She Does

And judges are starting to agree with her!

Meet the new archetype of the modern Democrat. She's smart, she's fierce, and she's not here to let the GOP walk all over her while she begs for bipartisanship or tries to be extra best good friends with the racist ass GOP. Oh, did I mention she's a WOMAN, she's black, and she is completely UNBOTHERED by Republicans trying to shame her into going the fuck away? It is likely she would tell you "HELL NO" like Miss Sofia* if you order her to stop fighting until the LAST VOTE IS COUNTED. She is our Spirit Queen. She is suing Brian Kemp's corrupt ass and trying to shine a light on his corrupt little ways.

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Elections

Wingnuts Finding 'Midterm Vote Fraud' In Their Breakfast Cereal

The most intense minds on the internet are hard at work.

The freakout over "widespread" but surprisingly difficult to specify "fraud" in the counting of last week's remaining votes has the wingnuttosphere in a tizzy, with Chief Wingnut Donald Trump tweeting early Monday morning that the Democrats are such huge cheats that really, they should just stop counting the ballots and declare Republicans the winners, which is of course exactly how elections work. The most impressive aspect of this red tide of "fraud" claims is that nobody making them has managed to find any actual stolen votes to report to law enforcement. Instead, they saw changing vote tallies between the partial results from Election Night and a week later, when most or all the ballots have been counted, and then they point and scream like evil pod-damned Donald Sutherland at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers (spoiler from 1978).

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News

President #NeverMoist Got His Ass Chapped About SOMETHIN' Today. Wonder What!

Aw, did somebody get some bad news?

Yesterday was a national holiday, which means President Lazy Ass spent the whole entire morning in his boudoir, grunting around under the covers with his phone and refusing to answer the door when mean John Kelly tried to knock and make him GO TO WORK, DAMMIT. On top of his normal morning stuff -- cacophonous waterbed farts, "Fox & Friends" and narcissism -- he decided it was time to desperately try to rewrite the narrative, already set in stone, that he is a piece of shit who embarrassed America on his trip to Paris; who cried like a baby because none of the parades in France were personally for him; who made up lies about how he couldn't go visit the graves of 50,000 Americans who died in war because of how his helicopter couldn't possibly fly in France's "partly cloudy with a chance of moist" conditions LAND HURRICANES; and who, upon arrival back in the United States, couldn't be bothered to travel two miles to lay a wreath at Arlington National Cemetery on VETERANS DAY, because, again, he couldn't deal with getting his hair wet in the it wasn't actually raining LAND HURRICANES, which apparently followed him back from France.

Maybe he has rabies and can't even risk touching water, we don't know.

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Elections

Lindsey Graham Knows What White Ladies Want

Why can't they all be like Susan Collins?

Senator Lindsey Graham has lamented that his party performed "fairly poorly with suburban women in some of these House districts." This is the canny political observation of a seasoned operator who watched dozens of Republican seats in the suburbs fall to Democrats. The running GOP theory leading up to the midterms was that the districts that voted for Mitt Romney in 2012 but switched to Hillary Clinton in 2016 did so only because of an aversion to Donald Trump. Without Trump himself on the ballot in 2018, these areas would remain loyal to Republican candidates. This did not happen.

We all recognize that "suburban women" is code for white women, specifically well-off, well-educated white women who are probably watching "This Is Us" right now. So, when the election returns came in from suburban districts on election night, it was clear that this prized demographic had fled Trump's party.

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Post-Racial America

Kirstjen Nielsen Quitting To Lock Babies In Cages In The Private Sector

Don't let the doorknob hitya...

BYE, KIRSTJEN! Looks like you'll finally be able to take that vacation to Norway, the multicultural wonderland of the north. Quick, stick a few of those cool tinfoil blankets in your pocketbook, just in case they deactivate your badge while you're in the ladies room!

The Washington Post reports that Trump will be giving Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen the boot any second now. Apparently, she failed to grasp that you can't just tell Trump the crazy shit he wants to do is illegal. You have to smile and nod, then try to keep a low profile while staying one step ahead of the law. DUH.

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Russia

Kellyanne Conway Knows Who Is An Idiot, And It Is Her Husband

Oh boy.

Hello Wonks! With cabinet members getting terminated by Trump faster than his likely (ALLEGED!) unprotected sex induced pregnancies, we figured we'd check in with Kellyanne Conway, who will never leave, to see what she's been up to the past couple of days. Spoiler: she thinks her husband is an idiot.

Conway made multiple appearance on the Sunday shows to spin the "truth" on Trump's replacement of Confederate Keebler Elf Jeff Sessions ...

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Elections

Senator Sinema. Wonkagenda For Tues., Nov. 13, 2018

Sinema wins Arizona election, Trump's just going to "You're Fired" everyone, and the Facebook tries to fix its shitshow. Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Russia

The Top 6 Signs Robert Mueller Is About To Indict The Sh*tfire Outta Some Folks, According To #Science

Unless it turns out we're wrong, in which case we weren't actually wrong, YOU WERE WRONG FOR READING THIS.

It's a cloudy day in Washington DC. It's also a federal holiday, Veterans Day, but Donald Trump can't do normal presidential Veterans Day stuff like lay a wreath at Arlington National Cemetery because he saw a cloud and you know what clouds do, they spit water at your face, and Donald Trump can't get wet because he probably has rabies, allegedly.

DC is quiet, is our point.

But there are indicators that somebody is at work, and that somebody is Robert Mueller. We could be wrong, but we have a sneaking suspicion that tomorrow, or Wednesday, or at the very latest Friday, we are going to get Indictment O'Clock for an early Christmas present. Here is why:

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Post-Racial America

What The F*ck Is Happening In Florida? Part 5,628,387,893,626,912,532,841

It always comes down to Broward.

The 2000 election is never dead. It's not even past. We're doomed to repeat the whole hideous hanging chads Florida debacle for all eternity. Roger Stone is even getting the gang back together for another Brooks Brothers riot, featuring Laura Loomer and the QAnon crew. Bring your Trumpy Bear along for the show and receive a free beer koozie!

As Rick Scott's lead over Bill Nelson in the senatorial election shrinks to 13,000 votes, the GOP has entered full panic mode. Just like in 2000, they need a judge to step in and put a stop to the vote counting STAT! What a lucky break that the election supervisors in both Broward and Palm Beach Counties are African American women -- not that they'd have had any trouble getting Trump to shout insane shit about the election, but it doesn't hurt.

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Trump

Trump Stops Yelling At Clouds For Three Days, Hides From Them Instead

OK we're kidding, he's still yelling at clouds.

Donald Trump is back from Paris, shaking off his incredibly challenging weekend surrounded by globalists who hate America. Along the way, he blew off visiting an American WWI cemetery Saturday because "rain," scowled his way through a ceremony marking the 100th anniversary of the Armistice, at which French President Emmanuel Macron condemned rampant nationalism, and then finally got to have a Dead-Americans-Only commemoration of WWI at a different US cemetery outside Paris, where he still couldn't resist joking about how nice it must have been to be one of the American WWII veterans in attendance, shielded from the weather. And once he got home, he's doing nothing -- maybe golfing? Dunno -- because it's a holiday of some kind. No public appearances on his schedule. It's not like he'd lay a wreath at Arlington, because this is not Memorial Day, and also it's raining.

Oh wait, no it's not.

Also, Arlington National Cemetery is two miles from the White House. But let's be fair -- perhaps Trump is worried the mist will make him have a bad day or maybe he is a Gremlin and can't come in contact with water or maybe he has just been living with rabies this whole time and that's why he can't risk it.

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2018 State and Local Elections

Party Of Personal Responsibility Blames Dead Man For Loss Of House

Not good news for John McCain.

You probably know this already, but I'm gonna tell you again because it's so delightful. Democrats are on track to pick up close to 38 House seats after last Tuesday's midterm elections. This ends eight years of dysfunctional, wannabe dictator-enabling Republican control, and anticipated two-time Speaker Nancy Pelosi gets her Ali in Zaire comeback moment.

The GOP is currently pursuing a couple options after its electoral trouncing. One is basically pretending it never happened in the first place. Maybe they're secretly impressed with how the shouty guy who thinks he's Napoleon and smells like his exhumed corpse gets a subway car all to himself. Disconnection from reality has its privileges.

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Right Wing Extremism

Wisconsin School's Nazi Prom Photo Sure To Go Over Well With College Admission Boards

Teach the damn kids better.

Oh, those wacky kids today! Always on their phones, smoking their Juuls, buying a lot of unicorn-themed things ... and taking "Heil Hitler" prom photos. I guess!

Over the weekend, some students from Baraboo High School in Wisconsin tweeted a photo of dozens of boys in the class of 2019, at their Junior Prom, in a group photo, doing a Nazi salute -- a photo reportedly taken by a parent of one of the boys in the picture and reportedly posted to their own website that was filled with other pictures of the Baraboo High School prom (UPDATE: Said photographer is motorcycle photographer one Peter Gust, whose son is in the picture. He is former educator and Wisconsin Education Association Council regional director. Nice!) The tweet, first shared by Twitter user Carly Sidey, has since been deleted, and the account that posted it has gone private.

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Science

Dana Rohrabacher Curious If Kremlin Having A Job Fair Anytime Soon, Or ...

Blue Wave knocks out Russia's congressman, SAD!

The Associated Press finally called the race in California's 48th Congressional District late Saturday for Democratic challenger Harley Rouda, bringing an end to nearly 30 years in Congress for US Rep. Dana Rohrabacher. Over the years, Rohrabacher had represented not only his super-conservative Orange County district, but also the Taliban and Russia, and as his district has become more liberal -- or at least less frothingly rightwing John Birch Society-esque -- it was probably only a matter of time until his seat went blue. Rohrabacher's enthusiastic defenses of Donald Trump and of Vladimir Putin only hastened the swing this year. Too bad, so sad!

Let us bid a fond but not drawn out farewell to one of Congress's more spectacular idiots while we hope he's joined by many others, soon.

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News

Trump's Matt Whitaker Appointment Turning Into ClownF*ck Of 'Jacob Wohl' Proportions

MAN, the Deep State must hate this guy!

HOLY WEEKEND NEWS DUMPS! While Donald Trump was across the ocean getting dunked on by Emmanuel Macron and skipping ceremonies for war heroes because he was scared his shithole hair would get messed up, journalists kept digging into the life and times of Trump's fake acting attorney general Matthew Whitaker, and DAMN. All's we know is that the Deep State must fuckin' HAAAAAAAAATE that guy, whose appointment was probably completely illegal and unconstitutional in the first place so why are we even talking about this.

We already knew bits and pieces about Matt Whitaker's scammy scummy fraud-y old gig, on the advisory board of a scammy scummy fraud-y company called World Patent Marketing, that did some MILD FRAUDS. When customers got mad, Whitaker would write them mean threatening letters. (You should read about how they "scammed US military veterans out of their life savings," as The Guardian puts it. Happy Veterans Day!)

What we didn't know -- and what one of the victims and also some other unknown people (deep state!) were more than happy to tell the Wall Street Journal -- is that FUCKIN' COMPANY IS UNDER FBI INVESTIGATION. And Whitaker was on the advisory board! And he made videos for the company! And he sent those mean threatening letters! What we're saying is that Whitaker is in deep.

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