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How Sad Are You That You Are Not At The 2018 Flat Earth Conference Today?

WHERE'S THE CURVE??!?

This weekend, hundreds of people are gathering in Denver, Colorado for the 2018 Flat Earth Conference -- two whole days of people with suspiciously Andy Warhol-like hair yelling "Where's the curve?!?" and talking about ice walls -- and we are missing out! Flat earthers are kind of the best of all conspiracy theorists, because aside from a few fascists and anti-Semites in the mix, they are mostly harmless cranks who just want to feel like they are way smarter than all of the scientists. As far as I know, believing in a Flat Earth, while stupid, has never hurt anyone -- which is honestly kind of refreshing these days!

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Your New Boyfriend: This Terrible Novelist Who Couldn't Get Published Because Sexism Against Men.

'My efforts to play contrarian were not met with success'

Every so often on this here internet, we get a hate read that is so perfect, that so aptly encapsulates a particular form of douchebaggery that we all must collectively gasp at it's awfulness and revel in the general repulsiveness of the arrogant human being so lacking in self-awareness that they actually thought it would be a good idea to write such a thing. Today, I bring you such a hate read -- Matthew Binder's A Glimpse Into the Ideological Monoculture of Literary New York.

And yes, it's actually worse than it sounds, if that is possible.

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Peggy Noonan Has Questions About Michelle Obama

Dame Peggington Noonington awakened in the New York Publick Librarie in a daze. She did not know what series of unfortunate events had led to this moment, but she vaguely remembered that last time this happened a passerby on 5th Avenue had transported her there, having found her on a stoop with eyes glazed over, muttering "Buk! Buk!" If we're being honest, she was choking on gin, but the well-meaning Good Samaritan took her for a woman craving classic literature, and Peggy was OK with allowing that illusion to stand.

As she stumbled toward the exit to summon her chauffeur -- Manuel, who was also her houseboy, who probably was responsible entirely for her current predicament, and would be subject to a talking-to about his derring-do as soon as Peggy's head stopped pounding -- she happened upon a display of new arrivals. "Buk! Buk!" she said. Swallowing hard, she grabbed a copy of Michelle Obama's book and went out onto the New York street without actually checking the book out.

Peggy arrived home safely, if a bit worse for the wear. She had been thinking about America's royal families a lot lately, especially the genteel women who serve as First Lady. She was particularly charmed by Melania Trump's show of wicked mischief last week, firing the deputy national security adviser without regret! Peggy remembered how fun it is to fire people and stuck a Post-it on her forehead to remind her to fire Manuel later, for leaving her destitute among the commoners at the librarie.

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Trump Judge In Jim Acosta Case Kicks Trump In The Dick

Congratulations to the Dear Leader on his flawless victory in court against the media dogs at the CNN cesspool of evil. Donald Trump is a champion of the people's right to civil discourse, and he will not hesitate to slap those who hurt the dignity of the Supreme Leadership. Take it from Ri Chun-hee Sarah Huckabee Sanders:

Today the court made clear that there is no absolute First Amendment right to access the White House. In response to the court, we will temporarily reinstate the reporter's hard pass. We will also further develop rules and processes to ensure fair and orderly press conferences in the future. There must be decorum at the White House.

Leave aside for a moment the screaming irony of the Pussgrab Administration lecturing the press on decorum. Literally none of what the Huckster said here is true. Judge Timothy Kelly ordered the White House Press Office to reinstate Jim Acosta's hard pass immediately on Fifth Amendment grounds. He didn't reach the First Amendment issues of press access because he didn't have to.

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SOMETHING'S COMING!

WHO'S FEELIN' TENSE? Who's got that HFS Just Drop the Goddamn Indictment Already sensation? Well, besides everyone in the White House, of course. Something's coming, and soon. Take it from Robert Mueller and his pals at the Special Counsel's Office (SCO), who have just given us some pretty broad hints on their timeline. Seems they're almost ready to tell the court about all the sexxxxxy cooperating dirts they're getting from flippers Manafort and Gates -- but not quite yet.

On Wednesday, the SCO filed a Status Report with the US District Court in DC saying that they're still squeezing Little Ricky for all he's worth, and they'll get back to the court in sixty days about all the investigations he's helping with.

To date, the status of this matter has not changed substantially since the August report, as defendant Gates continues to cooperate with respect to several ongoing investigations, and accordingly the parties do not believe it is appropriate to commence the sentencing process at this time.

Investigations, PLURAL?

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Stolen Elections

Stacey Abrams Did NOT Concede, She Never Lost, She Was Cheated

Stacey Abrams Is The Evolution Of Our Struggle

"This is not a concession speech."

Stacey Abrams, who served as minority leader of the Georgia House of Representatives from 2011 to 2017, is a living revolution wrapped up inside the package of a fierce, intelligent, and independent confederate flag burning black woman. At times, it has been said that surviving as a Black woman in the United States is a revolutionary act in and of itself. Revolutions are not won on just one battlefield, or at one time. Some revolutions are like a gentle breeze upon the sea, a breeze that builds waves, waves that roll and build into tsunamis; eventually those tsunamis break the levees of oppression, washing away old powers to make room for new coalitions.

But the levees of Georgia unfortunately held, and it took every underhanded, scandalous, unfair, sneaky, dirty, rotten trick to ensure they held. The levees of white dominance held this time... but its foundations are crumbling.

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Culture

Bill Maher, An Ass.

Keep Stan Lee's name out of your mouth.

On November 12, the world became just a little grayer with the death of Stanley Martin Lieber, a.k.a. Stan Lee. In his 95 years on this Earth, Stan "The Man" Lee -- along with such luminaries as Jack Kirby, Steve Ditko, Don Heck, Gene Colan and John Romita-- built a universe.

And then Bill Maher decided to be a Bill Maher. Maher wrote a piece titled "Adulting" for his Real Time With Bill Maher Blog and released it prior to the final episode of the season. He begins the piece like this:

The guy who created Spider-Man and the Hulk has died, and America is in mourning. Deep, deep morning for a man who inspired millions to, I don't know, watch a movie, I guess.

Sure. He guesses.

But Maher continues:

Now, I have nothing against comic books – I read them now and then when I was a kid and I was all out of Hardy Boys. But the assumption everyone had back then, both the adults and the kids, was that comics were for kids, and when you grew up you moved on to big-boy books without the pictures.

But then twenty years or so ago, something happened – adults decided they didn't have to give up kid stuff. And so they pretended comic books were actually sophisticated literature. And because America has over 4,500 colleges – which means we need more professors than we have smart people – some dumb people got to be professors by writing theses with titles like Otherness and Heterodoxy in the Silver Surfer.

In graphic novels and comic books there's plenty of mature and well written content by the likes of Neil Gaiman, Grant Morrison, Gail Simone, Ann Nocenti, Louise Simonson,Alan Moore, Garth Ennis, Gail Simone, Ann Nocenti, Louise Simonson, Judd Winnick, Tom King and Brad Meltzer, to name a few. Things like:

Getting imploded due to uncompromising Objectivist morality...

Watchmen- Alan MooreDC Comics

Graphic vigilante violence and language...

Punisher- Garth EnnisMarvel Comics

Existential ponderings on existence itself...

Sandman- Neil GaimanDC Comics/Vertigo

Or the graphic death, loss and trauma of your father's murder.

Identity Crisis- Brad MeltzerDC Comics

Cursory research could have given you this, but Maher didn't want to negate his argument with any kind of thought. So he said this:

I don't think it's a huge stretch to suggest that Donald Trump could only get elected in a country that thinks comic books are important.

Of course in order to believe this you have to ignore that Trump's predecessor and the forever president, Barack Obama, was not only a fan but was shaped by his favorite hero Spider-Man.

Marvel Comics

But maybe if Maher had read and retained the lessons in the comics written by Stan Lee and others, he would have learned this wise maxim: "With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility."

This was perhaps the most enduring lesson Stan Lee ever taught. A few examples of failing at this lesson are Maher using his power (his platform) to irresponsibly elevate Milo Hanrahan (fuck him, that's his last name. I'm calling him by the name of the father he has issues with instead of his preferred grandmother's name), who Maher calls "a younger Christopher Hitchens" ONE WEEK before he resigned Breitbart following outrage over his past comments about pedophilia. (A downfall that then Maher tried to take credit for.)

Or there's Maher thanking Steve Bannon for appearing on his show and telling him, "Says volumes why Republicans are in power and we have none," five weeks before the midterm election 'Blue Riptide' (because you don't see it, but it kills you!!).


Or the numerous appearances of Ann Coulter, Kellyanne Conway, Dana Rohrabacher, Matt Schlapp, Glenn Greenwald, Tomi Lahren, Boris Epshteyn, Louise Mensch, Jordan Peterson, Ben Shapiro, and many more. You can get lost in a rabbit hole for days filled with the worst people that Bill Maher gave a platform to and normalized.

Maher is a hypocritical assclown lost past the point of his relevance -- other than empowering the worst elements of America.

Funny, how he forgot this check cleared. Hypocrite.

Stan Lee stood for what made it better.

Marvel Comics

Good bye, Stan. "Excelsior."

R.I.P Stan Lee media1.giphy.com

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Culture

Ben Sasse Knows Why There Are 'Two Americas': YOU'RE A BAD PARENT

It's been so simple this whole time!

Senator Ben Sasse, the smarmy junior Republican senator from Nebraska who gets Very Concerned about Donald Trump then bravely votes for everything Trump wants, took to the Twitter and offered some simple wisdom from a wise family doctor, just good parenting advice from an expert. It's neat, plausible, and bullshit, to paraphrase Mencken. But just look at this fine quote, ready to put on your next needlepoint throw pillow:

Awww. If you love your children, you'll limit the amount of time they spend glued to the TV or social media and all that, and you'll be a GOOD PARENT!

Of course, that "Two Americas" cliché seemed a little too pat for Friend of Wonkette Charlie Pierce, who suggested a lot of families might have somewhat more pressing concerns:

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Wonkebago

Wonkette's Top Ten Is BACK IN ACTION!

Did you miss me?

I told Evan to go ahead and skip the Top Ten, and I would write it at ya, to thank you for sending me to #Mexico and give you baby pictures of #Mexico, and you know what that bitch did? He started the post anyway and put all the links in it, like some kind of common helpful DOK. He either would like a raise, or to ensure that ONLY HIS POSTS WERE ADDED BY "BEYONCE."

Let's learn, together, about what happened this week while mama did vacation like a common Michelle Obama, spending all the GRRR TAXPAYER MONEY all la-di-da, going to Spain to see the king!

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Post-Racial America

Peggy Noonan Has Questions About Michelle Obama

Declar ... (hic) ... ations.

Dame Peggington Noonington awakened in the New York Publick Librarie in a daze. She did not know what series of unfortunate events had led to this moment, but she vaguely remembered that last time this happened a passerby on 5th Avenue had transported her there, having found her on a stoop with eyes glazed over, muttering "Buk! Buk!" If we're being honest, she was choking on gin, but the well-meaning Good Samaritan took her for a woman craving classic literature, and Peggy was OK with allowing that illusion to stand.

As she stumbled toward the exit to summon her chauffeur -- Manuel, who was also her houseboy, who probably was responsible entirely for her current predicament, and would be subject to a talking-to about his derring-do as soon as Peggy's head stopped pounding -- she happened upon a display of new arrivals. "Buk! Buk!" she said. Swallowing hard, she grabbed a copy of Michelle Obama's book and went out onto the New York street without actually checking the book out.

Peggy arrived home safely, if a bit worse for the wear. She had been thinking about America's royal families a lot lately, especially the genteel women who serve as First Lady. She was particularly charmed by Melania Trump's show of wicked mischief last week, firing the deputy national security adviser without regret! Peggy remembered how fun it is to fire people and stuck a Post-it on her forehead to remind her to fire Manuel later, for leaving her destitute among the commoners at the librarie.

Keep reading... Show less
White House

Trump Judge In Jim Acosta Case Kicks Trump In The Dick

Mission Accomplished-ish.

Congratulations to the Dear Leader on his flawless victory in court against the media dogs at the CNN cesspool of evil. Donald Trump is a champion of the people's right to civil discourse, and he will not hesitate to slap those who hurt the dignity of the Supreme Leadership. Take it from Ri Chun-hee Sarah Huckabee Sanders:

Today the court made clear that there is no absolute First Amendment right to access the White House. In response to the court, we will temporarily reinstate the reporter's hard pass. We will also further develop rules and processes to ensure fair and orderly press conferences in the future. There must be decorum at the White House.

Leave aside for a moment the screaming irony of the Pussgrab Administration lecturing the press on decorum. Literally none of what the Huckster said here is true. Judge Timothy Kelly ordered the White House Press Office to reinstate Jim Acosta's hard pass immediately on Fifth Amendment grounds. He didn't reach the First Amendment issues of press access because he didn't have to.

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Culture Wars

Betsy DeVos Fighting For All The Oppressed Young Brett Kavanaughs

We are stuck with her through 2020.

Donald Trump's Cabinet has experienced a recent flurry of resignations and to-the-curb kickings. Head childnapper in charge Kirstjen Nielsen is also on her way out, freeing me from ever again having to worry about spelling her name correctly. My recent stint on the Cindy Hyde-Smith beat helped me master "Mississippi" without blinking, but Nielsen always demanded a Google cut-and-paste. She wasn't worth it.

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is one of the few remaining OG members of the Russian doo-wop group Donald Trump & The Crony Capitalists. She is also the still-reigning, undefeated title holder for absolute worst Cabinet official. DeVos manages to combine incompetence with evil in equal measures of cheap booze.

Today offers some more annoying DeVos news. Remember almost two years ago when some protestors heckled DeVos at a middle school in DC just a week after the Senate narrowly confirmed her? She whined to the Justice Department and somehow was granted a security detail that will cost taxpayers $19.8 million through September of 2019. That's almost half the cost of one of her yachts. Yes, yachts; she has 10. She also got a few extra billion for the pile in September when her father-in-law went off to that great tax dodge in the sky. Look, I don't want anyone to hurt the lady, but maybe she can pay for her own damn security like a 1990s hip-hop star. Maxine Waters has bombs mailed to her, and I think the New Black Panthers are guarding the sister for free.

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News

Michelle Obama Can Tell Barack's Is Bigger Than Trump's Just By Looking At It

NOT THEIR DICKS, YOU PERVERTS.

Is everything terrible right now? Yes. Is it a little better than it used to be, though, ever since we BLUE WAVED Donald Trump right in his mini-mushroom dick, with votes? Yes. Will it be WAY better when the Democratic House is actually seated and Robert Mueller indicts the shitfire outta all the Trump assholes? Hell yes it will. WILL TOMORROW EVER COME, AT THIS RATE? Not bloody likely.

So here, while we await joy, is something better to do with your life than read about gross Trump. Watch delightful Michelle Obama videos, from the "Ellen" TV program of jokes and dancing! As you know, Michelle O is out there promoting her book Becoming. You should pick yourself up a copy, if you haven't yet!

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Post-Racial America

Florida Vote Recounts Calm, Rational, As Expected

Also, when will Florida counties ever learn to design a damn ballot?

Florida's hand-counting of ballots is underway, and for all the Republican whining about Democrats trying to "steal" the elections for US Senate and governor (and floating insane conspiracy theories while they're at it), the recounts appear on track to confirm the results initially reported on election night: Florida's new governor will probably be Republican Rick DeSantis, and current governor and Voldemort impersonator Rick Scott will probably replace Democrat Bill Nelson in the US Senate. That doesn't necessarily mean anything is really settled, of course, because it's fucking Florida.

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Congress

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Not Even Walking Around Congress Like A Dickensian Street Urchin

May she have some more?

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's first days in Congress have been a doozie. She's been "mistaken" for an intern or a spouse on multiple occasions, everyone's making up pretend fights that she's getting in with people she's not actually getting into fights with, and she's still somehow not performing poverty well enough to convince Fox News and other conservatives that she is not a secret billionaire.

On Wednesday, Fox News published an exposé on AOC and her vast riches -- showing that even though she said that it was going to be tough to afford an apartment in DC for the three months before she'd receive a salary, she was actually a fifteen thousandaire.

If she converted that $15K into pennies, she could probably swim in them, just like her fellow rich person Scrooge McDuck.

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Post-Racial America

GOP Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith Hilarious Again, 'Let's Not Let Black People Vote' Edition

Can you believe this racist?

This is the third time this week we've covered the mixed up files of Mrs. Cindy Hyde-Smith. I'm as happy about it as you are, but the US Senator from Mississippi has a bad habit of confessing to bad things in front of cameras. She's clearly a politician best suited for a simpler, more racist time, or at least an alternate reality where cameras weren't invented. Even the most detailed sketch of her saying stupid stuff wouldn't have the same impact.

Hyde-Smith faces Democrat Mike Espy in a runoff election on Nov. 27. Video surfaced Thursday of her at a recent campaign stop in Starkville, Mississippi, promoting the practical benefits of voter disenfranchisement.

"And then they remind me that there's a lot of liberal folks in those other schools who ... maybe we don't want to vote," Hyde-Smith is heard saying. "Maybe we want to make it just a little more difficult. And I think that's a great idea."
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popular

Facebook In World Of Hurt After Blaming George Soros For ... Hating The Jews?

Facebook *fucked*, y'all.

It turns out that Facebook knew Russia was spending oodles of rubles to screw with the 2016 election, but the people in charge decided not to do anything. Rather than act like adults and admit they shit the bed, Facebook hid in their hoodies and paid lobbyists to blame everything on George Soros. Now they're pulling the same "we're sorry" crap that they always do whenever they're caught screwing with people, and bragging about cleaning up their own mess like an oil company after a burst pipeline.

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Environment

Trump To Throw Paper Towels At California Wildfires

May also yell at people burned out of homes for making bad choices.

California has endured its deadliest wildfire in history, with 63 killed by the Camp fire in the northern part of the state, and over 9,500 homes destroyed. Property damage is in the billions of dollars, more than 50,000 people have been displaced, and the list of missing people has grown to over 600. There was even an outbreak of norovirus at one shelter for people who'd fled their homes. The fire is now 40 percent contained, but now California must brace for another catastrophe: Donald Trump is coming to comfort them. The people of California are resilient, but how much should they have to bear?

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Russia

SOMETHING'S COMING!

Get ready!

WHO'S FEELIN' TENSE? Who's got that HFS Just Drop the Goddamn Indictment Already sensation? Well, besides everyone in the White House, of course. Something's coming, and soon. Take it from Robert Mueller and his pals at the Special Counsel's Office (SCO), who have just given us some pretty broad hints on their timeline. Seems they're almost ready to tell the court about all the sexxxxxy cooperating dirts they're getting from flippers Manafort and Gates -- but not quite yet.

On Wednesday, the SCO filed a Status Report with the US District Court in DC saying that they're still squeezing Little Ricky for all he's worth, and they'll get back to the court in sixty days about all the investigations he's helping with.

To date, the status of this matter has not changed substantially since the August report, as defendant Gates continues to cooperate with respect to several ongoing investigations, and accordingly the parties do not believe it is appropriate to commence the sentencing process at this time.

Investigations, PLURAL?

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Guns

Yo' NRA *So Broke* That If It Were A Poor Person It Would Be Sad And Not Funny

They're taking away the *Sparkletts bottles*.

The NRA is so broke ... (you: HOW BROKE ARE THEY?) that they cannot even afford to provide free coffee or water for their staffers anymore, which is kind of the most basic of staff amenities. We'd feel really bad for them, except that we don't really want to live in a country that has a mass shooting every week anymore. (Although would Dana Loesch without her morning latte be better or worse? It is hard to tell!)

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