Donate

If Trump Says Somebody Called Him 'Sir,' He's PROBABLY Talking About His Imaginary Friend

In other words, if the president says somebody treated him with respect, he's almost certainly lying.

It's not breaking news that Donald Trump, the unelected president of the United States, is a pathological liar. But CNN reporter Daniel Dale follows Trump relentlessly, fact-checking his every grunt and squeal, and has pinpointed a certain "tell" Trump has, that says, "HEY-O, dumb motherfucker 'bout to lie!"

A couple of Trump's lying "tells" probably quickly come to readers' minds. For instance, if he says "many people are saying," that tends to mean either that zero important people are saying, or that literally nobody is saying. Similarly, as former RNC chair Michael Steele pointed out, if Trump says, "I heard," he is about to drop a nuclear bomb of lies. Oh yeah, and "believe me." Holy shit, are there any words Donald Trump says that don't predict impending lies?

But the one Dale noticed is pretty funny, and it's that whenever Trump tells a story wherein he says somebody called him "sir," he is absolutely 100 percent of the time lying. He's talking about an imaginary friend, he's making up a story, and in these imaginary stories, his imaginary friends give him the respect he so desperately craves, yet does not deserve.

Isn't that sad and pathetic?

Keep reading... Show less

Eric Garner's Death To Go Unpunished Forever Not With A Bang But With Bill Barr

When Civil Rights Division attorneys and the EDNY disagreed, Bill Barr knew which side to come down on.

The day before the fifth anniversary of Eric Garner's death, the United States Department of Justice announced that there will be no justice for Eric Garner's family or NYPD officer Daniel Pantaleo. Attorney General William Barr personally stepped in to override the recommendation of career lawyers in the DOJ's Civil Rights Division and ensure that Pantaleo would face no charges, because god forbid a white cop ever faces accountability for murdering a black man.

On July 17, 2014, NYPD officers went to arrest Eric Garner for selling loose cigarettes to people who can't afford to buy a whole pack. As the world saw after a video taken by a bystander went viral, Pantaleo took Garner down from behind and then struggled with him until his arms were wrapped tightly around Garner's neck. Other officers put their weight on Garner's back, pushing his chest against the ground. Garner, who had asthma, said "I can't breathe" 11 times before going into cardiac arrest. New York City's medical examiner ruled Garner's death a homicide. Garner's death caused nationwide protests, and his last words became a rallying cry for the Black Live Matter movement.

Tuesday's announcement was the culmination of nearly five years of investigations and infighting among DOJ officials about whether Pantaleo should be charged with a federal crime for Eric Garner's death. Prosecutors and FBI agents in the Eastern District of New York, who regularly work with the NYPD, were wary of prosecuting Pantaleo. Officials in the Civil Rights Division, however, believed they had a strong case. ThinkProgress described what happened:

Keep reading... Show less

Sh*t, Devin Nunes Found The Collusion! It Was HILARIOUS ZINGERS The Whole Time!

So, you know how the Robert Mueller testimony is not tomorrow, because some Democratic congressional committees had to bicker about who got to say what words when, and now it is a week later? Yeah, well Devin Nunes (R-MOOOOOOOOOO) knows the real reason for the rescheduling, and it is ZINGERS and COLLUSION and every other nasty thing you can think of, but not between Trump people and Russians! Oh no, that would be too normal and obvious and painstakingly detailed in the Mueller Report, so Devin Nunes couldn't believe a thing like that!

The Washington Examiner journalism website tells us of Nunes's very smart MENSA theory that he shared on the Fox News network:

Keep reading... Show less

Julian Assange Knew EXACTLY Who He Was Working For When He Ratf*cked The ​2016 Election For Trump​

CNN has an amazing report out on your old pal Julian Assange, who is stinky with cat pee, allegedly, unless he's taken a bath recently, PSHAW, and who at this point should be considered as nothing other than a witting and willing asset of the Russian intelligence services. That's been a question over the last few years -- when Trump people knowingly colluded and conspired with WikiLeaks, did they know they were cahootsing with the Russians? We imagine we'll get a lot more information on that as the case against Roger Stone proceeds, as much of the Mueller Report on that subject is redacted, in order to protect investigative methods and ongoing matters.

Regardless, news just keeps coming out that appears to say yes, Julian Assange, Freedom Fighter For Radical Transparency And Other Stuff Also Too, has been well aware of who his bosses are this whole time. First, there was the news broken by Michael Isikoff recently, about where that Seth Rich phantasmagorical murder conspiracy really came from. (SPOILER: Russia.) Something that sticks out like a sore thumb about that story is how Assange publicly tried to finger Rich (who was dead at the time) as his source (which seems like a no-no for a true transparency organization that just wants to radically inform people), even though he was well-aware that he received his treasure trove of stolen DNC emails (stolen by the Russians) four days after Rich was murdered. Assange literally offered a reward for THE REAL KILLERS.

And now cometh CNN with a story of just how a lot of the 2016 election-fucking data transfers to WikiLeaks appear to have happened, and CNN has the story because it got its hands on the security logs of UC Global, one of the security companies Ecuador hired after the election to look into where the fuck Assange's loyalties really lay. Who came to visit Julian Assange? Oh just all these Russians in masks and shit. And when did they come to visit? Oh just random times that often seemed to align with WikiLeaks dumping caches of stolen dirt (stolen by the Russians) on the internet.

Keep reading... Show less

Ben Shapiro Pretty Sure Black Lady James Bond Not The James Bond Ben Shapiro Likes To Fap To

Y'all hear there's gonna reportedly be a new 007 in town, and HER name is Lashana Lynch? That's right, not only is the new 007 going to be a lady, it is going to be a black lady. (She won't necessarily be specifically playing a character named "James Bond," according to the news. But she will definitely be 007.)

Ben Shapiro has feelings about that. Like, yeah, of course he does.

When it comes to the seduction of women!

When it comes to the seduction of women!

When it comes to the seduction of women!

Oh fiddlesticks, that is not the full clip we wanted you to see. It's just a looped video of Shapiro saying one little part of his whole speech over and over again: "When it comes to the seduction of women!" If you don't feel like watching the full video below, you can rest assured that the loop above is sufficient, especially the way young Shapiro's voice cracks and his balls drop (allegedly) when he says the word "comes."

So anyway, SEXXX TIPS WITH BEN SHAPIRO! Because he knows of sex! Especially as it pertains to the beloved James Bond series! SPOILER, but it seems a lady 007 has rendered our Ben unable to think with his Little Ben, which is how he prefers to view the James Bond movie films.

Keep reading... Show less
Right Wing Extremism

Could We Maybe Not Have Actual Nazi Richard Spencer Opining About Racism On CNN?

Is this really that big of an ask?

Yesterday, during a segment on The Lead with Jake Tapper, audiences were treated (?) to a segment about how thrilled white supremacists were by Donald Trump's recent slew of racist tweets about Ilhan Omar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib and Ayanna Pressley.

This segment would have been a perfectly fine thing to do — good, even! — had they not capped it off with a completely unnecessary interview with neo-Nazi Richard Spencer. All decked out in his Sunday best, because "optics," Spencer shared that not all white supremacists were thrilled by these tweets. In his opinion, Spencer explained, Trump throws "red meat" out to racists, and then doesn't even kick all of the people of color out of the country or whatever it is that assholes like him want. It wasn't the high quality racism he was hoping for, but rather the kind of racism espoused by a drunk racist uncle when he is yelling during Hannity.

There was no pushback whatsoever. It was just "Here is a Nazi" — excuse me, white nationalist — "in a suit and tie, sharing his opinion on this matter."

Keep reading... Show less
Culture

Joe Biden To Humiliate Rival Trump With Feats Of Old Man Strength

There's nothing wrong with that.

Joe Biden, for a change, is itching to fight. Last time, Old Smokin' Joe jumped out of his Trans-Am and tried to take old man Trump behind the gym to teach him a lesson or two about grabbing ladies by the pussy. We enjoyed the hell out of that shit.

"The press always ask me, 'Don't I wish I were debating him?' No, I wish we were in high school -- I could take him behind the gym. That's what I wish," Biden said then at a campaign rally in Pennsylvania for Hillary Clinton.

His face! HAHAHAHA!

Trump was so fucking upset by the idea of catching Joe's hands, he decided he needed to play respectability politics and signal to Joe that he wasn't being very "presidential." But he didn't actually say that shit at the time, nah, he waited almost two years to make a little punk ass comeback to a blunt call out from the Scranton Scrapper. Is it any wonder Uncle Joe drinks his Mickey's silently while aiming his Eagle Eye at Old Man Trump? Is it odd he does it while silently hoping Trump "gives him a reason"? No. It's not.

Let's take a look at that killer comeback from King Trump.

Keep reading... Show less
Post-Racial America

Are AOC And The Gals The 'Four Horsewomen Of The Apocalypse'? Wonkette Investigates!

Women with vocal chords are scary.

There is more diversity in how Republicans choose to defend their racist president than there's actual diversity in their caucus. Some have argued that calling Donald Trump a racist is the true insult because it hurts his racist feelings. Others, such as venomous snake creature Liz Cheney, go the "you're rubber and we're glue" route and claim the targets of Trump's racism are the real racists. Plot twist! Then there's Louisiana Senator Jack Kennedy, who went on Tucker Carlson last night and started ranting about the End Times.

KENNEDY: The simple fact of the matter is, the four congresswomen think that America was wicked in its origins. They think that America and its people are even more wicked now, that we are all racist and misogynistic and evil. They're entitled to their opinion. They're Americans.

OK, Kennedy straight-up lies from the word "go" here but he at least concedes that House Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ayanna Pressley, Ilhan Omar, and Rashida Tlaib are actual Americans. For a Republican, that almost passes for statesmanship.

KENNEDY: But I'm entitled to my opinion.

Of course, you are, Mr. White Man. It's in the Constitution. You're set. Please proceed.

KENNEDY: I just think they're left-wing cranks, and they're the reason there are directions on a shampoo bottle. I think we should ignore them.

We don't recommend ignoring directions on a shampoo bottle. If you do, you're probably shampooing incorrectly. But does Kennedy think "the Squad" pulled some Naderite mojo with the FDA and forced shampoo companies to put instructions on their products? We're reasonably certain shampoo and directions for its use predate the four congresswomen. Kennedy is a Southerner so this was probably his folksy way of saying they're just a bunch of dumb girls.

Keep reading... Show less
News

Wonkette Stole This Samantha Bee Interview With Tammy Duckworth Before It Could Even Air!

RUDE.

You know how Rachel Maddow loves yr Wonkette? Well apparently Samantha Bee does too, or else a new comms employee does and will MAYBE get SHITCANNED for it! (Don't get shitcanned, do keep sending us exclusive Samantha Bee segments before they air!)

In tonight's television episode, which we bring you here now (or at least the relevant portion thereof), Sam interviews kickass Senator Tammy Duckworth of Illinois; it's framed as part of a show-within-a-show, because why just do "an interview" when you can also make fun of the conventions of dopey late-night interview shows, not that they're naming any particular targets. Sam's hunky husband, Jason Jones, could not possibly be mocking any sidekick figures from the history of talk shows, that's for sure, hey-oooooh.

Keep reading... Show less
News

Alabama GOP Senate Candidate Says Less Buttsex, More Gunsmoke, PEW PEW PEW!

Is this a winning platform for Alabama? Sure why not.

Let's check in on the GOP Senate primary in Alabama! Did you know that accused kid toucher Roy Moore has primary opponents? That's right, Alabama Republicans aren't just gonna let him Stranger Danger his way into office without a fight. We'd like to introduce you to one of his opponents, current Alabama Secretary of State John Merrill, who, unlike Moore, hasn't been accused of touching any kids -- to our knowledge, but this is Alabama, so who knows! -- but who, like Moore, has some bizarre thoughts about the homosexuals. Specifically he is tired of seeing them on his television, and would like to see more "Gunsmoke" on the TV instead.

Is "Less Buttsex, More Gunsmoke" a winning platform for Alabama? Probably sure why not! It's a very serious state, after all.

Keep reading... Show less
2020 presidential election

Mark Sanford Gonna Run Against Trump Because He's Got A Humiliation Kink

Welcome back you kooky, Appalachian Trail-hiking, 'fiscal conservative' bastard!

Hooray! Another white guy is possibly entering the presidential race, but it's not a Democrat! This proud (yeah, we know) South Carolina native's former governor, Mark Sanford, is considering a primary challenge against Donald Trump, the racist who can't be named.

During an interview with the Post and Courier, Sanford said he wants to promote a national debate about "America's mounting debt, deficit and government spending." We presume he's up for debating interesting topics, as well. Although, that's not clear from the following statement:

SANFORD: Sometimes in life you've got to say what you've got to say, whether there's an audience or not for that message. I feel convicted.

Hmm....Google

He probably means "conviction" there. Maybe it's a Freudian slip: Sanford is infamous for stepping out on his wife a decade ago with Argentine journalist Maria Belén Chapur. When he literally fled the country for nooky, his official story was as ridiculous as it was meme-generating: He'd gone hiking on the Appalachian trail to "recharge" after losing his months-long battle against Barack Obama's imperial socialism, when he was forced to accept $700 million in federal stimulus money, most of which would fund South Carolina's public schools. (We're a product of them so you know they need every last dime.)

Thanks to Obama, Sanford became a laughingstock. He lost his wife, who he tried to find by showing up at her house with a makeshift flashlight. But he later enjoyed a second act as representative of South Carolina's first district. This was until Trump crushed him like a bug because he mildly criticized the toddler in chief. The president endorsed his rival, Katie Arrington, in the GOP primary and gloated when Sanford lost the race. Because Trump only picks the best people, Arrington had her ass handed to her by Democrat Joe Cunningham in a R+10 district.

Keep reading... Show less
Congress

Nancy Pelosi Now A Libelsome Guttermouth And Trump A Gentle Innocent Lamb Of Kindness, Goodness And Love

There's a rule against calling the 'president' a racist. Who knew? (The Republicans who put it there in 2016!)

The House of Representatives passed a resolution Tuesday night condemning Donald Trump's racist rant telling four members of Congress to "go back" to whatever awful countries they came from. (That of course means the USA, which really is a mess.) The vote ultimately passed, largely along party lines, 240 to 187, with four Republicans and ex-R Justin Amash voting for the resolution. The vote was delayed after Republicans insisted the entire resolution, and Speaker Nancy Pelosi's speech in favor of it, violated House rules against calling the president of the USA racist. How very uncivil of those mean Democrats!

You might think that "condemning racism" would be a fairly straightforward thing, at least if you were recently unfrozen from suspended animation, and congratulations on not getting frostbitten. Instead, it quickly descended into FRACAS AND HULLABALOO, falling just short of House members brawling or challenging each other to duels like they did in the good old days of US America.

Keep reading... Show less
Class War

Central Illinois Goodwill Will Now Graciously Let Disabled Employees Work For Free

Lays off dozens of disabled workers because $15 minimum wage (five years from now) is bad. Gross!

By January of 2020, the minimum wage in Illinois will go from $8.25 to $9.25. By July of 2020, it will be $10, and go up a dollar every year from there, until it hits $15 in 2025.

Everyone I know here is very happy about this. Hooray for hardworking people making more money, we say! One would also think that non-profit organizations that often work with the poor would be more excited than anyone about this, and probably most of those organizations are. The regional president of Land of Lincoln Goodwill in central Illinois, however, feels less than good about it.

She feels so not good about it, in fact, that she went and told dozens of disabled workers in her region that they would no longer be receiving paychecks. This leaves only 11 — all of whom were told that their paychecks were on the line as well.

"As of January 1, 2020, a new minimum wage law takes effect which will increase our payroll cost significantly," [President and Chief Executive Officer at Land of Lincoln Goodwill Sharon] Durbin's letter reads. "Over the next five years, the added expense will exceed two million dollars if we do not make changes."

"That means that many of our clients will no longer be working to receive a paycheck, but will be involved in some type of learning based initiative," she wrote.

Many of these employees are not even paid the minimum wage to begin with. They are losing their paychecks because Goodwill says it cannot afford to pay their other employees the new minimum wage. They will still be able to "work" for Goodwill, but they will no longer be making any money while doing so. Oh gosh, what does that sound like? It sounds like something, but I just cannot put my finger on what it is.

Keep reading... Show less
News

Donald Trump And Jeffrey Epstein Are Two Wild And Crazy Guys!

In 1992, at least.

NBC News found a video Donald Trump isn't gonna like very much. While it's no "grab them by the pussy" smoking gun tape where the president admits to sexual assault, he sure doesn't seem to want us to think he likes that Jeffrey Epstein character very much. And yet, here he is, at a party in 1992 at Mar-a-Lago, cutting up with that exact guy! You know, the one going on trial because of all the kid rape and the child sex trafficking, who had the private island and the non-American passport, which he allegedly had to protect him from "hijackers"!

The video (click over to NBC News to watch the full clip) doesn't show anything particularly weird. Just two gross men ogling much younger women and talking about how hot they are, maybe grabbing a little ass instead of pussy:


Keep reading... Show less
popular

Racist In Chief. Wonkagenda For Wed., July 17, 2019

Trump's a racist, ICE uses big tech, and the list for the second 2020 debate. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Sh*t, Devin Nunes Found The Collusion! It Was HILARIOUS ZINGERS The Whole Time!

Devin Nunes is a mindfuckingly stupid man.

So, you know how the Robert Mueller testimony is not tomorrow, because some Democratic congressional committees had to bicker about who got to say what words when, and now it is a week later? Yeah, well Devin Nunes (R-MOOOOOOOOOO) knows the real reason for the rescheduling, and it is ZINGERS and COLLUSION and every other nasty thing you can think of, but not between Trump people and Russians! Oh no, that would be too normal and obvious and painstakingly detailed in the Mueller Report, so Devin Nunes couldn't believe a thing like that!

The Washington Examiner journalism website tells us of Nunes's very smart MENSA theory that he shared on the Fox News network:

Keep reading... Show less
Post-Racial America

Kellyanne Conway Denies Trump Wants Ethnostate, Asks Whether Reporter Is Hutu Or Tutsi

Say, you know WHO ELSE wanted to know reporters' ethnicity?

Kellyanne Conway had one of her little moments today. When reporter Andrew Feinberg asked her to explain what she thought Donald Trump was getting at with his "go back where you came from" comments, she replied by asking him what his own ethnicity was, as human American people routinely do. Feinberg, who's Jewish, wasn't willing to play her dumb game, so we may never find out what brilliant rhetorical point Conway was trying to set up. Probably something completely innocent and yet profound about how the only thing that defines us is our loyalty to America, as embodied by the Great Man, so shame on Feinberg for ruining it. Some people clearly do not love America.

Here's the video; you may want to wear something with a chin strap so your jaw doesn't drop too far.

Keep reading... Show less
lawsplainer

Ninth Circuit Kills Clean Water Act Conviction To Save Clean Water Act

You know those Montana juries, just constantly oppressing septuagenarian veterans for violating environmental laws!

In the final installment of a rather bizarre turn of events, last week the Ninth Circuit vacated the conviction of a Montana man who had destroyed government property and polluted streams and wetlands, in violation of the Clean Water Act. But in doing so, they just might have saved the Clean Water Act for the rest of us.

In 2016, Joseph Robertson was convicted of polluting US waters and destroying government property for building illegal ponds and ditches. He claimed that he built them to help fight fires. Robertson was sentenced to 18 months in prison and fined $130,000.

At first glance, that sounds like a pretty harsh penalty for digging some ditches. But let's look at the details -- and also remember that Robertson was a 77-year old military veteran. Convicted, by a Montana jury, of violating nanny state environmental laws. In Montana.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Julian Assange Knew EXACTLY Who He Was Working For When He Ratf*cked The ​2016 Election For Trump​

RUSSIA, IF YOU'RE LISTENING.

CNN has an amazing report out on your old pal Julian Assange, who is stinky with cat pee, allegedly, unless he's taken a bath recently, PSHAW, and who at this point should be considered as nothing other than a witting and willing asset of the Russian intelligence services. That's been a question over the last few years -- when Trump people knowingly colluded and conspired with WikiLeaks, did they know they were cahootsing with the Russians? We imagine we'll get a lot more information on that as the case against Roger Stone proceeds, as much of the Mueller Report on that subject is redacted, in order to protect investigative methods and ongoing matters.

Regardless, news just keeps coming out that appears to say yes, Julian Assange, Freedom Fighter For Radical Transparency And Other Stuff Also Too, has been well aware of who his bosses are this whole time. First, there was the news broken by Michael Isikoff recently, about where that Seth Rich phantasmagorical murder conspiracy really came from. (SPOILER: Russia.) Something that sticks out like a sore thumb about that story is how Assange publicly tried to finger Rich (who was dead at the time) as his source (which seems like a no-no for a true transparency organization that just wants to radically inform people), even though he was well-aware that he received his treasure trove of stolen DNC emails (stolen by the Russians) four days after Rich was murdered. Assange literally offered a reward for THE REAL KILLERS.

And now cometh CNN with a story of just how a lot of the 2016 election-fucking data transfers to WikiLeaks appear to have happened, and CNN has the story because it got its hands on the security logs of UC Global, one of the security companies Ecuador hired after the election to look into where the fuck Assange's loyalties really lay. Who came to visit Julian Assange? Oh just all these Russians in masks and shit. And when did they come to visit? Oh just random times that often seemed to align with WikiLeaks dumping caches of stolen dirt (stolen by the Russians) on the internet.

Keep reading... Show less
Post-Racial America

AOC And 'The Squad': Focus On Trump's Racist Bullsh*t Policy, Not His Racist Bullsh*t Tweets

It's like they're skilled politicians or something!

(Cute update appended. No, really!) Not long after Donald Trump doubled down on his racist rant telling them to Love Trumpmerica or Leave It, the four Democratic congresswomen Trump would like to run against in 2020 held a presser of their own to remind America Trump's playing a losing game, because he's a loser. Again and again, they pointed out that getting bogged down in the details of Trump's racist tweets is a distraction from the actual harm his policies are doing. And then the media went straight back to discussing the "feud" between Trump and the four first-term Democrats, Ayanna Pressley, Ilhan Omar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Rashida Tlaib.

Keep reading... Show less
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)